Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show
From
July 2003 until
October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the
LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN.
I wrote and submitted about
10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used.
But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get
paid for it!
Dave is one of my top two
all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It
never, ever got old.
This section displays
all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is).
Use the
archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the
search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.
Jokes highlighted in
bold were
used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention.
You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by
Jay and
Carson and
Jimmy) on my
Late Night Jokes page.
Enjoy!
May 25, 2006.
Web Posted at: 10:45 am UTC
Last night on FOX Taylor Hicks was named the newest American Idol.
He really clinched it during his final performance when he held his breath for nine minutes.
It's Fleet Week here in New York City.
The hookers are offering their annual Fleet Week special: for $50 they'll swab your poopdeck.
The big Memorial Day weekend is coming up.
I always enjoy the Memorial Day weekend because it's one of the few times in the year that the whole family gets together that isn't an intervention for mom.
Al Gore has a new documentary out about global warming.
It's called the Da Boring Code.
Al Gore has a new documentary out about global warming.
He says it's a lot like the Da Vinci Code, but without the entertainment.
Global warming is getting worse and worse.
Global warming has gotten so bad that the most popular spring break spot this year was Buffalo.
Global warming is getting worse and worse.
Global warming has gotten so bad earlier today President Bush vowed to stop the flow of illegal Eskimos into the country.
Osama bin Laden has reportedly moved out of the mountainous regions of Pakistan to a new location.
Apparently intelligence sources were able to intercept his change-of-address card.
Osama bin Laden has reportedly moved out of the mountainous regions of Pakistan to a new location.
Apparently he was spotted riding a U-Haul Mule.
Osama bin Laden has reportedly moved out of the mountainous regions of Pakistan to a new location.
Apparently he was spotted in a new town waiting for the cable guy.
Jeb Bush said that he's interested in becoming the next commissioner of the NFL.
Here's how interested he is: he's already got the ballots rigged.
ABC has named Charles Gibson to be the new anchor of World News Tonight.
They picked him after they couldn't get their first choice: Rosie O'Donnell.
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May 24, 2006.
Web Posted at: 11:00 am UTC
Earlier tonight on FOX they announced the winner of “American Idol.”
The winner gets the title of “American Idol” and a recording contract. The loser gets one free swing at Simon Cowell.
A new audio message from Osama bin Laden was released this week.
This time instead of giving a tape to Aljazeera he just made it available in iTunes.
A new audio message from Osama bin Laden was released this week.
Experts say they're pretty sure it's recent because he says he knew David Blaine could never hold his breath for nine minutes.
Al Gore has a new documentary out about global warming.
It should do well because if there's anybody who can make global warming sexy, it's Al Gore.
President Bush said this week that he wasn't planning to see Al Gore's new documentary about global warming.
Apparently he doesn't think he'll be able to squeeze it in during his five-week summer vacation.
Celebrity birthdays: Bob Dylan turns 65 today.
Old Bob is slowing down a bit. These days the only protest songs he writes are about the high costs of prescription drugs.
Celebrity birthdays: Bob Dylan turns 65 today.
Old Bob is slowing down a bit. These days the only protest songs he writes are about the high prices at Dennys.
Celebrity birthdays: The Brooklyn Bridge opened on this day in 1883.
I believe the only thing in New York that's had more people on it is – Madonna.
It's graduation season.
I often get asked to speak at graduations and it usually goes well until the crowd realizes I'm not Regis.
It's graduation season.
The only group of seniors I've been asked to address is AARP.
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May 23, 2006.
Web Posted at: 2:50 pm UTC
Mexican President Vicente Fox arrived in the United States today.
He'll be in the country for five days, or longer if he can find a job.
Mexican President Vicente Fox arrived in the United States today for a five day trip.
President Bush said he can stay longer if he learns how to speak English.
We've learned this week that Bill and Hillary Clinton only spend about 14 days per month together.
That's understandable since she's busy with being a senator and he's busy with all his dates.
The Federal Trade Commission said this week that oil companies are not gouging customers.
They said technically it's called “screwing customers.”
Former New Jersey Gov. Jim McGreevey has written a memoir in which he describes having lots of anonymous gay sex.
I believe the last politician to write a memoir with this much anonymous sex in it was – Bill Clinton.
Former New Jersey Gov. Jim McGreevey says in his new book that he engaged in risky gay behavior before he came out of the closet.
He said he knew his secret gay lifestyle was getting out of control when he almost married Liza Minelli.
Former New Jersey Gov. Jim McGreevey says in his new book that he tried everything to overcome being gay.
Here's what he tried: looking at Playboy, going to strip clubs, and having sex with a chubby intern.
Personal data on 26 million U.S. veterans was stolen earlier this week.
The good news is we know that didn't include any data on George Bush or Dick Cheney.
Madonna opened her latest tour in Los Angeles this week by hanging from a giant cross.
I believe it's called The Passion of the Hag Tour.
We learned this week that Hillary Clinton has an iPod and now we've also learned that President Bush has an iPod.
He said he loves to listen to his iPod when he's running the country into the ground.
We learned this week that Hillary Clinton has an iPod and now we've also learned that Dick Cheney has an iPod.
He's got a custom made iPod that doubles as a defibrillator.
Earlier this week a 7-year-old boy in California became the youngest person to swim from Alcatraz Island to San Francisco.
During the swim he was followed closely by his father, his coach and Michael Jackson.
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May 22, 2006.
Web Posted at: 3:55 pm UTC
MONDAY: Barry Bonds hit his 714th home run Saturday to tie Babe Ruth on the all time list.
If only we knew what his secret was.
MONDAY: Barry Bonds hit his 714th home run Saturday
So now his home run total matches Babe Ruth – and his hat size.
MONDAY: The Da Vinci Code opened this weekend and made $77 million dollars.
Catholics are still angry about it. Earlier today the Pope said he's so offended he may not go see it again.
MONDAY: The Da Vinci Code opened this weekend and made $77 million dollars.
And that doesn't even count the action figure sales.
MONDAY: Last night here on CBS Mike Wallace admitted that he once tried to commit suicide.
Apparently it was only a half-hearted attempt: all he did was cut back on his Lipitor.
MONDAY: Kentucky Derby champion Barbaro suffered a broken leg in the Preakness on Saturday.
Here's how serious the injury is: they may actually have to have him put down by Dick Cheney.
MONDAY: It was 14 years ago today that Johnny Carson hosted the Tonight Show for the last time.
14 years ago today was the end of Johnny's time in front of a big network audience. Coincidentally it was also the end of my time in front of a big network audience.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Mr. T turned 54 this weekend.
If you don't remember Mr. T he was the big guy with the Mohawk and gold chains who starred in “The A Team” and he was also Bill Clinton's attorney general.
FRIDAY: This weekend is Memorial Day weekend.
Summer unofficially goes from Memorial Day to Labor Day – no, I'm sorry, that's President Bush's summer vacation.
FRIDAY: This weekend is Memorial Day weekend.
Memorial Day is the unofficial start to the summer backyard injury season.
FRIDAY: Memorial Day weekend is the unofficial beginning of summer.
I can tell summer is almost here because earlier today Tom Cruise was lecturing Matt Lauer on sun block.
FRIDAY: Memorial Day weekend is the unofficial beginning of summer.
Today I saw a sure sign that summer is here; I saw a rat putting on sun block.
FRIDAY: Memorial Day weekend is the unofficial beginning of summer.
Here in New York City you can tell it's summer because the rats have shed their winter coats.
FRIDAY: Memorial Day weekend is the unofficial beginning of summer.
Today I saw a sure sign that summer is here; Britney Spears's baby was driving a convertible.
FRIDAY: Every year at my house we have a big Memorial Day barbeque.
Last year my Uncle Earl kept raving about the mayo I had and then I realized he was putting sun block on his sandwich.
FRIDAY: This weekend is the Indianapolis 500.
So far the race preparations have been going smoothly; the only person to crash has been Patrick Kennedy.
Hillary Clinton revealed this week that she has an iPod.
She said her favorite time to listen to her iPod is when Bill is out on a date.
Hillary Clinton revealed this week that she has an iPod.
She says she loves it because it fits right in the pocket of her pants suit.
The “runaway bride” Jennifer Wilbanks has dumped the guy she was supposed to marry once again.
If only she'd have given him a sign that something was wrong.
Last week the Senate voted to make English the official language of the United States.
Here's how it would work: under this law members of Congress would be required to use English when asking for a bribe.
Last week the Senate voted to make English our national language.
President Bush said he's in favor of this, so long as he's grandfathered in.
It's graduation season.
Here's how I can tell it's graduation season. Today on my way to work my cab driver was wearing one of those mortar board caps on his turban.
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May 18, 2006.
Web Posted at: 3:35 pm UTC
Earlier tonight on NBC they had the series finale of Will & Grace.
Now that Will & Grace is off the air, I believe the gayest show on TV is – this one.
FBI agents got a tip about the disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa this week.
Apparently they now believe he may be somewhere in the mountainous regions of Detroit.
FBI agents got a tip about the disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa this week.
Jimmy Hoffa was last seen in 1975 and, I'm telling you, at this point it's not looking good for him.
Former President Clinton has signed a deal to write another book.
He got himself a pretty sweet deal; he gets a hefty advance and a hefty intern.
Former President Clinton announced this week that he's going to write another book.
His new book will be about what he's done since he left the White House, and who he's done.
Former President Clinton announced this week that he's going to write another book.
He says he hopes his new book will lift spirits and touch hearts and get him laid.
Yesterday the Navy sank the retired aircraft carrier USS Oriskany in the Gulf of Mexico.
The 888-foot long ship went down in just 37 minutes. I believe it's the biggest thing to go down that fast since – Monica.
Yesterday down in Washington President Bush met with the U.S. Winter Olympic team.
He called the snowboarders “dudes and dudesses”. That's right, he's drinking again.
A new study out ranks New York City drivers as the third angriest drivers in the country.
Today Mayor Bloomberg said that if we all try really hard, next year we can be number one.
A 70-year-old Japanese man became the oldest person to ever scale Mount Everest yesterday.
I believe he's he oldest man to scale something that big since that old guy married Anna Nicole Smith.
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May 17, 2006.
Web Posted at: 3:55 pm UTC
O.J. Simpson has a new TV show.
It's like “Punk'd” but with a body count.
Monday night President Bush gave a nationally televised speech on immigration.
The ratings were so good that earlier today NBC announced that they were giving him “Joey”'s old time slot.
Monday night President Bush announced he was sending the National Guard in to seal up leaks in the Mexican border.
Earlier today he announced he was sending the National Guard in to seal up leaks in the CIA.
Paul McCartney and his wife are separating.
It's an amicable split. He says he'll always love her and she says she'll always love his money.
Paul McCartney and his wife are separating.
They've already worked out an amicable split. She gets custody of their daughter and he gets custody of Ringo.
It was on this day in 1792 that the New York Stock Exchange was founded.
The Stock Exchange has been conducting financial transaction in New York City longer than anybody, other than a couple of hookers in Times Square.
Richard Hatch was sentenced to 51 months in jail yesterday for tax evasion.
The good news is he'll now be starring in a new reality show: “Survivor: Prison Shower.”
Britney Spears was photographed this week with her baby in a car seat facing forward, when the seat should be facing backwards.
She had a clever explanation; she said she had to face him forward so he could see where he was driving.
It's graduation season.
It's the time of year when hundreds of thousands of young people across the country try to make their way in the world before they move back in with mom and dad.
It's graduation season.
It's the time when hundreds of thousands of young people across the country take all that student loan debt they've accrued and turn it into credit card debt.
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May 16, 2006.
Web Posted at: 3:45 pm UTC
Last night President Bush made a speech on TV about immigration.
The speech was a big success – he was actually able to pronounce immigration.
Last night President Bush announced his plan to slow down the flow of illegal immigrants into the U.S.
Here's the plan: he's going to send down to the Mexican border 6,000 National Guard and Dick Cheney with his hunting rifle.
Last night President Bush announced he was sending the National Guard in to shore up the Mexican border.
Earlier today he announced he was sending the National Guard in to shore up the Yankees pitching.
Last night President Bush announced he was sending the National Guard in to get control of the Mexican border.
Earlier today he announced he was sending the National Guard in to get control of Tom Cruise.
Here's how President Bush's new immigration policy works: illegal immigrants can become citizens by working for several years and learning English.
I'm thinking, hell, he didn't have to do that to become president.
Up in New England they've been having record rains and flooding.
There's been so much water in New England that earlier today Patrick Kennedy was pulled over by the Coast Guard.
Yesterday the Bush Administration announced it was restoring relations with Libya.
Libya is pretty excited about having close ties with the U.S.; after all it's worked out pretty well for Iraq.
Yesterday President Bush announced he was opening relations with Libya.
I believe it's the first time a president has opened relations with something that big since – Monica.
New York City announced yesterday that they're going to add wireless Internet access to Central Park this summer.
Everybody's excited about wireless Internet access in Central Park. Earlier today I saw a rat with a Blackberry.
Celebrity birthdays: Janet Jackson turns 40 today.
She celebrated with her brothers and her sisters – and whatever Michael is.
Celebrity birthdays: Janet Jackson turns 40 today.
She was excited when her sister La Toya showed up for her birthday – until she realized it was Michael.
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May 15, 2006.
Web Posted at: 10:50 am UTC
MONDAY: Earlier tonight President Bush made a speech on TV.
You can tell he's desperate to get his approval ratings up. At the end of the speech he tried to set the world record for holding his breath.
MONDAY: President Bush said during his speech earlier tonight that he's sending 10,000 National Guard troops to the Mexican border to stop illegal immigrants.
He also said he's sending 10,000 National Guard troops across the country to take over lawn care maintenance.
MONDAY: Up in New England they've been having record rains and flooding.
There's so much water in New England that earlier today Patrick Kennedy crashed his boat.
MONDAY: Over in Indonesia experts say that the Mount Merapi is on the verge of erupting.
If it does erupt I believe it would be the biggest thing to blow since Monica.
MONDAY: Yesterday was Mother's Day.
Mother's Day is the one day we thank the woman who raised us by giving her some crappy flowers from 7-11.
MONDAY: Yesterday was Mother's Day.
I'm a father now, which means that every Mother's Day I now have two women in my life that I have to apologize to.
MONDAY: Every year on Mother's Day I take mom out to dinner and every year she says the same thing, “The Olive Garden again?!”
MONDAY: Ted Kennedy's plane was struck by lightning this weekend.
Here's how scary it was: he said it was like being in a car with Patrick Kennedy.
MONDAY: Ted Kennedy's plane was struck by lightning this weekend.
It was pretty scary. The plane lost electric power and Ted was forced to have his drinks without ice.
MONDAY: Last night here in the Ed Sullivan Theater they had the big Survivor finale.
It's amazing because a team of people had less than 24 hours to break down the Survivor set and get the smell of losers out of the theater.
MONDAY: Last night on NBC they had the series finale of “The West Wing.”
Now that “The West Wing” is off the air I believe the longest serving pretend president is George Bush.
FRIDAY: The Da Vinci Code opens today.
The Catholic Church doesn't like this movie. In fact, earlier today Ebert and Benedict gave it two thumbs down.
FRIDAY: The Da Vinci Code opens today.
The Catholic Church doesn't like this movie. In fact, the Pope said he hasn't been this disappointed in a movie since Mission Impossible III.
FRIDAY: Last night on NBC they had the series finale of Will & Grace.
President Bush says this proves we're winning the war on Must See TV.
FRIDAY: Last night on NBC they had the series finale of Will & Grace.
I guess that means that once again I'm now the gayest character on TV.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Cher is 60 years old today.
Well, at least some parts of her are.
O.J. Simpson has own reality TV show.
It's a lot like “Punk'd” but I believe it's called “Stabbed.”
O.J. Simpson has own reality TV show.
Each episode begins with O.J. playing a practical joke on unsuspecting person and ends with him getting acquitted of murder.
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May 11, 2006.
Web Posted at: 10:45 am UTC
Yesterday the House of Representatives passed President Bush's plan to cut capital gains taxes by $70 billion.
It's all part of his No Millionaire Left Behind program.
Hillary Clinton said this week that she thinks George Bush has a lot of charm and charisma.
A lot of charm and charisma. That's right – he's drinking again.
Hillary Clinton said this week that she thinks George Bush has a lot of charm and charisma.
She said he's so charming she just might let him get in her pants suit.
Hillary Clinton said this week that she has a good personal relationship with George Bush.
Apparently her relationship with George Bush is like her relationship with Bill Clinton – they don't have sex either.
President Bush said this week that he'd like to see his younger brother Jeb become president.
All he'd have to do is change the first name on all those rigged ballots and he'd be in.
Barry Bonds is just one home run away from tying Babe Ruth.
Not only that but he also just one injection away from tying Courtney Love.
Barry Bonds is just one home run away from tying Babe Ruth for second place on the all-time home run list.
Boy, I just hope this doesn't give him a big head.
There's a new study out that finds that women can tell which guys would make good lovers just by looking at them.
Here's how it works: a woman will know right away that a guy is a good lover if he doesn't look anything like me.
It's allergy season here in New York City.
Allergy season has been so bad this year that earlier tonight Patrick Kennedy was caught driving under the influence of Nasonex.
My allergies are really bad this year; I'm really allergic to cat fur.
So I've decided that next year I'm definitely getting a new hairpiece.
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May 10, 2006.
Web Posted at: 11:35 am UTC
Britney Spears is pregnant again.
It was on this show last night that she officially lip-synced the news.
Britney Spears is officially pregnant again.
She said she's already busy shopping for equipment for the new baby: diapers, toys, a car...
Rival Palestinian groups Hamas and Fatah have agreed to stop fighting.
In celebration of the agreement, today only in New York City all cab rides are half price.
Bad news: murders in New York City are up this year.
The good news is there's never been a better time to be a chalk outline guy looking for work.
The pollen count in New York City is at record highs these days.
Here's how bad allergy season is: earlier today Rush Limbaugh admitted he was addicted to Claritin.
Keith Richard's doctors are worried that he might have brain damage after undergoing brain surgery this week.
The good news is he apparently still has some brains left to damage.
The makers of Play-Doh have come out with a cologne that smells like Play-Doh.
It was made to celebrate the 50th anniversary of Play-Doh, and as a favor to Michael Jackson.
Today I saw a sure sign that it's graduation season here in New York City.
On the subway this morning I saw a guy wearing one of those mortar board graduation hats – and nothing else.
This is the time of year when celebrities get invited to speak at college graduations.
So far the only school that's invited me to speak is clown college
Last night on ABC they had a movie about an outbreak of the Bird Flu.
I believe it's the biggest disaster ABC has put on the air since The View.
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May 9, 2006.
Web Posted at: 11:30 am UTC
Two miners in Australia who were trapped underground for two weeks were freed yesterday.
Both miners are now at home with their wives and children – but other than that they're fine.
David Blaine fell short of the world record for holding his breath last night by two minutes.
It was a rough night for David. He was pulled out of the tank by two rescue divers and mugged by three passers-by.
David Blaine was pulled from the large tank of water in Lincoln Center last night after being in there for a week straight.
Apparently he had to leave because he couldn't afford the rent any more.
Yesterday President Bush nominated Gen. Michael Hayden to be the new Director of the CIA.
Here's how this process will work; the Senate will hold confirmation hearings, then they'll vote on the nominee, then President Bush will pick a new nominee.
Reportedly, many members of Congress are unhappy with President Bush's nominee to be the new CIA Director.
That's odd – he's usually picks such good nominees.
Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has written a letter to President Bush.
President Bush had trouble reading the letter because it was written in a language he barely understands – English.
Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has written a letter to President Bush.
President Bush has already written a reply; I believe he's sending it via the Army's First Mechanized Division.
Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has written a letter to President Bush.
I'm thinking the last way to get on President Bush's good side is to make him read.
Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has written a letter to President Bush.
The letter is 17 or 18 pages long and it covers a variety of topics like history, philosophy, religion and the new Artic Monkey's album.
In his letter to President Bush, Iran's president said that democracy has failed.
Talking about preaching to the choir.
Celebrity birthdays: Mike Wallace turns 88 today.
He had a big party with lots of friends, relatives and firemen from four different firehouses to put out the candles.
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May 8, 2006.
Web Posted at: 10:40 am UTC
MONDAY: The Kentucky Derby was this weekend.
Here's how the Kentucky Derby went for me: it was over in two minutes and it cost me $50. It was just like having sex.
MONDAY: CIA Director Porter Goss resigned on Friday.
Apparently he tried to resign earlier in the week, but President Bush kept ignoring his memos.
MONDAY: President Bush has named Air Force Gen. Michael Hayden to be the new Director of the CIA.
Here are some of the key qualities President Bush was looking for in his nominee: intelligence, leadership and a cool nickname.
MONDAY: Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has written a letter to President Bush.
Since he doesn't write in English too well the letter apparently contains lots of spelling and grammatical errors – just like President Bush's reply will.
MONDAY: Earlier tonight on ABC David Blaine escaped from being bound by chains in a tank of water.
I believe it's the closest somebody has come to almost dying on TV since my debut on CBS.
MONDAY: Congratulations to Joe Torre who won his 1,000th game as manage of the Yankees last night.
In honor of the event for this week only the price of a hot dog at Yankee Stadium will be lowered to $1,000.
MONDAY: Congratulations to Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott who got married yesterday.
I believe this will be his second marriage and her second divorce.
FRIDAY: The new movie Poseidon opened today.
It's about a cruise ship that capsizes and the people on board are forced to survive with only a few hours of oxygen and four operating restaurants.
FRIDAY: The new movie Poseidon opened today.
I believe it's the biggest disaster movie to open since the last Jennifer Lopez/Ben Affleck movie.
FRIDAY: Sunday is Mother's Day.
I'll be treating mom to her favorite night out: dinner, drinks and Keno.
FRIDAY: Sunday is Mother's Day.
Of course, let's not forget all of those celebrity moms out there like Katie Holmes, Gwenth Paltrow, Michael Jackson...
FRIDAY: Sunday is Mother's Day.
I bought mom a lovely gift basket from Johnny Walker.
President Bush said this week that the highlight of his presidency so far was catching a seven and a half pound fish.
Coincidentally, former President Clinton said the highlight of his presidency was bagging a whale.
President Bush said this week that the highlight of his presidency so far was catching a seven and a half pound fish.
Yep, that sounds about right.
President Bush said this week that the highlight of his presidency so far was catching a seven and a half pound fish.
To be fair, though, it's hard to pick the highlight – or any highlight.
Keith Richards had brain surgery this week to relieve a blood clot on his brain.
Doctors say he should recover completely and be as incoherent as ever.
Keith Richards had brain surgery this week to relieve a blood clot on his brain.
His status has been updated from “critical” to “whacked out of his skull.”
Lillian Gertrud Asplund, the last American survivor of the sinking of the Titanic, died this week.
She was 99 years old so I guess the iceberg claims another victim.
Lillian Gertrud Asplund, the last American survivor of the sinking of the Titanic, died this week at the age of 99.
By the end she was having trouble remembering much from the disaster. She said all she could remember was having a shipboard affair with Leonardo DiCaprio.
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May 4, 2006.
Web Posted at: 10:50 am UTC
It's prom season! I had a great time at my prom.
In fact it was one of the nicest evenings mom and I ever had together.
It's prom season! On my prom night there was lots of begging and whining and pleading.
Finally my date just said “Look, you're not getting past first base so tell your mother to quit asking.”
Yesterday the White House released its plan to deal with a potential bird flu outbreak in the U.S.
Thank god because if there's one thing the Bush administration is good at, it's disaster planning.
Yesterday the White House released its plan to deal with a potential bird flu outbreak in the U.S.
It's a pretty thorough plan; in the event of the worst-case scenario it includes a full list of scapegoats and fall-guys.
Yesterday the White House released its plan to deal with a potential bird flu outbreak in the U.S.
Part of the plan is to ensure that President Bush has a secure, remote location where he can take his five-week summer vacation.
There was a huge earthquake in the Pacific Ocean yesterday.
It was so big that, just to be safe, the U.S. Geological Survey issued a tsunami warning. It's the same thing they do whenever Kirstie Alley goes to the beach.
It was five years ago today that Robert Blake's wife, Bonny Lee Bakley, was murdered.
Gee, I wonder what Robert Blake was doing five years ago today?
The Post Office says they want to raise the price of a first class stamp to 42 cents next year.
The good news is even at that price, with the rate gas prices are going, it'll actually be cheaper to mail yourself somewhere.
The Post Office says they want to raise the price of a first class stamp to 42 cents next year.
In response earlier today President Bush said he's making plans to invade a country rich in stamps.
A woman in El Salvador recently celebrated her 128th birthday, making her the oldest person in the world.
Here's the best part: she's available.
A 63-year-old woman in England has gotten pregnant with the help of an Italian fertility specialist.
The woman's husband says if he ever gets his hands on that guy he'll kill him.
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May 3, 2006.
Web Posted at: 11:15 am UTC
I hate to talk about people when they're not here, but last night's audience was rough.
We had Tom Cruise on the show last night and let me just say this: Hell hath no fury like a crowd of angry Scientologists.
Experts are now saying that home heating costs could increase by 1/3 next winter.
The good news is earlier today George Bush assured everyone he's doing all he can to speed up global warming.
There was a huge fire in Brooklyn yesterday that destroyed 15 buildings.
Here's how big it was: to get the fire under control they finally had to have King Kong take a leak on it.
There was a huge fire in Brooklyn yesterday that destroyed 15 buildings.
It took 400 firefighters from 10 precincts over 12 hours to get the fire under control. It's the same thing they do when Star Jones gets a hot flash.
Celebrity birthdays: James Brown turns 72 today.
He had a good birthday – he didn't end up in jail.
Paris Hilton has split up with her boyfriend, Stavros Niarchos.
Apparently they couldn't agree on whether to take that next big step in their relationship – making a sex video.
A new study out finds that 1/3 of American kids can't find Louisiana on a map.
The good news is they can always get jobs working for FEMA.
A new study out finds that 1/3 of American kids can't find Louisiana on a map.
The good news is our kids may be doing worse at geography but they're doing much better at scoring with their teachers.
A new study out finds that 60% of American kids between 18 and 24 can't find Iraq on a map.
The other 40% are actually in Iraq.
It was 70 years ago today that Joe DiMaggio made his debut with the New York Yankees.
Here's how long ago that was: today there are only two or three guys left who played with DiMaggio that are still playing for the Yankees.
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May 2, 2006.
Web Posted at: 11:40 am UTC
Last night's audience was filled with immigrants taking the day off from work and boy were they tough.
Halfway through the show they were so angry they all got up and went back to work.
Yesterday the Supreme Court ruled in favor of Anna Nicole Smith.
Legal experts are calling this a victory for gold-diggers everywhere.
Yesterday the Supreme Court ruled in favor of Anna Nicole Smith.
So her day at the Supreme Court was a big success; she won the ruling and picked up $200 in one dollar bills.
Hillary Clinton said this week that she always dreamed about being an Olympic athlete.
Coincidentally, Bill Clinton also had Olympic dreams – but his was to nail a figure skater.
Hillary Clinton said this week that she always dreamed about being an Olympic athlete.
I believe her specialty was the lamp toss.
Top Al Qaeda leader Mustafa Setmarian Nasar was recently captured in Afghanistan.
President Bush said this proves the success of our new strategy in the war on terror: dumb luck.
We're learning more about Rush Limbaugh's plea agreement this week.
As part of the agreement he has to undergo regular drug tests and he can't own a gun – it's the same deal they originally offered Martha Stewart.
Rush Limbaugh says that he's no longer addiction to painkillers.
Apparently they only thing he's addicted to these days are Hostess cakes.
Rush Limbaugh says that he's no longer addiction to painkillers.
Apparently the only mind-numbing thing he enjoys these days is his radio show.
Last week a guy in Indiana went into a TGI Friday's and found part of a human finger in his hamburger.
Apparently what happened was he took a bite of his burger and bit into something chewy and tough – and then he bit into the finger.
The Puerto Rican government had to shut down this week because it ran out of money, putting 100,000 people out of work.
I believe the only other place where there are that many out of work Puerto Ricans is New York City.
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May 1, 2006.
Web Posted at: 11:10 am UTC
MONDAY: Around the country today immigrants boycotted work.
It was called “A Day Without Immigrants,” or, as we call it here in New York City, “a day without ordering-in.”
MONDAY: Rush Limbaugh was arrested this weekend for fraudulently obtaining prescription drugs.
The good news is the charges will be dropped if he doesn't do anything stupid for the next 18 months – other than his talk show.
MONDAY: Rush Limbaugh was arrested this weekend for fraudulently obtaining prescription drugs.
President Bush said this proves we're winning the war against talk radio.
MONDAY: Rush Limbaugh was arrested this weekend for fraudulently obtaining prescription drugs.
Today on his radio show Rush said this proves George Bush is winning the war on drugs.
MONDAY: Keith Richards was hospitalized this weekend after he fell out of a tree and hit his head.
Here's the latest on his condition: he's disoriented, he's confused, he's incoherent – in other words he's back to normal.
MONDAY: Keith Richards was hospitalized this weekend after he fell out of a tree and hit his head.
I was shocked to hear this- Keith Richards is still alive?
MONDAY: Keith Richards was hospitalized this weekend after he fell out of a tree and hit his head.
Doctors say his injuries aren't life threatening and they fully expect him to die any day now.
MONDAY: They held the NFL Draft over at Radio City Music Hall this weekend.
I'm not sure it was a good day for the Jets – they're top pick was a member of the Rockettes.
MONDAY: The last player picked in the NFL draft every year is called “Mr. Irrelevant.”
Coincidentally, that was my nickname in high school.
MONDAY: Over the weekend here in New York City there was a huge peace rally.
It was the most successful peace rally ever in New York City: only 5 people were knifed.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: the Empire State Building turns 75 today.
The Empire State Building is the biggest, most famous landmark in New York City – other than Star Jones.
FRIDAY: Happy Cinco de Mayo!
Today I saw a sure sign that it's Cinco de Mayo here in New York City: my cab driver was steaming tamales in his turban.
FRIDAY: Cinco de Mayo celebrates Mexico's victory over France in 1862.
Sure, like beating France is a big deal.
FRIDAY: Happy Cinco de Mayo!
My mom is in town for Cinco de Mayo and she celebrated like she always does: margaritas at dawn.
FRIDAY: Happy Cinco de Mayo!
In honor of Cinco de Mayo today President Bush gave control of our ports to Mexico.
Time magazine has released its list of the year's 100 most influential people.
President Bush was on the list. I believe he was the only person on the list who can't spell “influential.”
Time magazine has released its list of the year's 100 most influential people.
I was way down on the list, right between Nick Lachey and Kevin Federline.
Rosie O'Donnell is going to replace Meredith Vieira as a host on “The View.”
So, finally, that show will have a man's point of view.
Mexico has decriminalized the possession of marijuana, ecstasy, cocaine and heroin for personal use.
It's already having an effect here in the U.S.: earlier today mom told me she's moving to Tijuana.
Mexico has decriminalized the possession of marijuana, ecstasy, cocaine and heroin for personal use.
Experts say this could be bad news for the U.S. The good news is we'll finally get rid of Courtney Love.
A new study out says that New York City has more clogged toilets than any other city in America.
The good news is that means more people here are using toilets.
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