From July 2003 until October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN. I wrote and submitted about 10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used. But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get paid for it!

Dave is one of my top two all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It never, ever got old.

This section displays all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is). Use the archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.

Jokes highlighted in bold were used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention. You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by Jay and Carson and Jimmy) on my Late Night Jokes page.

Enjoy!

Michael Jackson says that he's planning to release a new album next year.

Apparently he's already been busy in the studio creeping the engineers out.

---

Michael Jackson says that he's planning to release a new album next year.

Let's see, he's raising three small kids, he's going to record an album and possibly go on tour. He really is the hardest working mom in show business.

---

Celebrity birthdays: Ulysses S. Grant was born on this day in 1822.

Over at Grant's Tomb earlier today I saw them delivering a couple of kegs.

---

The government says that gas prices could hit $3 a gallon by this summer.

They say the high prices will be due to the continuing war in Iran.

---

Here in New York Donald Trump has donated 436 acres of land for new state park.

It's going to be named the “Donald J. Trump State Park and Casino.”

---

Here in New York Donald Trump has donated 436 acres of land for new state park.

In addition to the land he's also creating a refuge for rare birds in his hair.

---

A new study out finds that middle-aged men tend to be more satisfied with their sex lives than middle-aged women.

I think it's true because at the end of the night I'm always more satisfied than my date.

---

Japanese scientists announced this week that they've found a 1 million-year-old chunk of ice in the Antarctic.

They say they've never seen something this old and frigid, other than Joan Rivers.

---

A woman in Los Angeles has been diagnosed with bubonic plague.

Just to be safe, officials are giving her heavy antibiotics and warning everybody in LA to stay away from her – it's the same thing they did when Courtney Love moved to town.

---

The Gap says they're planning to open 25 stores in the Middle East by 2010.

Apparently there's a big demand in the Middle East for stoned washed burkhas.

---

The government announced this week that the number of deaths in the U.S. dropped by 50,000 in 2004.

President Bush said this proves we're winning the war against rigor mortis.

[link | comment]

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had a baby girl yesterday.

Mom and daughter are doing fine, but Dad's still insane.

---

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had a baby girl yesterday.

The labor and delivery went very well – Tom converted three nurses to Scientology.

---

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had a baby girl yesterday.

You can tell Tom is excited about the birth because earlier today he was lecturing Matt Lauer about Lamaze.

---

Tom Cruise said this week that he's going to eat his new baby's placenta.

Even Michael Jackson thought that was creepy.

---

Yesterday President Bush said he strongly supports Donald Rumsfeld and that he's not going to replace him.

You know what that means – he's going to replace him.

---

President Bush said yesterday that he's in charge and that he'll decide whether Donald Rumsfeld stays or goes.

That's right, he's drinking again.

---

There were more resignations at the White House today.

This morning the Bush twins announced they were stepping down.

---

Yesterday President Bush nominated Rob Portman to be the Director of the Office of Management and Budget.

Here's how this will work: first he has to be confirmed by the Senate and then President Bush has to give him a goofy nickname.

---

Here in New York City 70 people were trapped in an overhead trams all night because of a power failure.

During the time they were stranded rescuers made sure the people had plenty of food, water and hookers.

---

Michael Jackson says that he's going to release a new album next year.

He says for this album he's really going to buckle down and put his nose to the grindstone – and his chin and his cheekbones and his forehead...

---

Celebrity birthdays: Paula Abdul turns 44 today.

Even though it was her birthday it was still a working day for her: she had sex with three “American Idol” contestants.

[link | comment]

Osama bin Laden has been voted one of the unsexiest men in the world in a recent poll.

Well, I'd say we're even now.

---

Yesterday in Washington the Senate Office Building had to be closed when a foreign substance was found in the building.

Turns out it really was a foreign substance: elbow grease.

---

Yesterday in Washington the Senate Office Building had to be closed when a foreign substance was found in the building.

It turned out to be nothing but just to be safe they called off all money-laundering activities for the day.

---

Josh Bolten, President Bush's new chief of staff, says that he's going to refresh and re-energize the Bush administration.

He said he's confident that he can recapture the magic of Bush's first term.

---

Josh Bolten, President Bush's new chief of staff, says that he's going to make personnel changes at the White House.

The bad news is President Bush isn't on the list.

---

Today is the 100th anniversary of the big San Francisco earthquake.

Coincidentally FEMA showed up just in time for the anniversary.

---

Here in New York the police have installed surveillance cameras on poles all over the city.

They even put one on the pole down at Flashdancers.

---

Here in New York the police have installed surveillance cameras on every street corner.

They say the new cameras should help the police identify the guys who are going to be stealing all the new cameras on every street corner.

---

Bad news: police brutality here in New York City is up.

I can tell police brutality is up. Earlier today I was being pistol whipped by some punks in Central Park and the police came by and gave them pointers.

---

Mike Tyson reportedly entered a drug-rehab center recently.

And really, who could've seen this coming?

---

Mike Tyson reportedly entered a drug-rehab center recently.

Apparently he showed up at the treatment center but gave up and went home after just a few rounds – just like his last few fights.

[link | comment]

MONDAY: Vice President Dick Cheney is getting a $2 million tax refund this year.

Apparently he got a big refund after he deducted all of his guns and ammo.

---

MONDAY: I did my taxes this weekend.

Every year I have the same dilemma: do I deduct my hairpiece as a medical or business expense?

---

MONDAY: I did my taxes this weekend.

I have a new accountant who's pretty sharp. This year he got me a big refund by deducting all the sales tax I paid to hookers.

---

MONDAY: Earlier today at the White House they had the annual Easter Egg hunt.

It was a big success – none of the kids were gunned down by Dick Cheney.

---

MONDAY: Earlier today at the White House they had the annual Easter Egg hunt.

200 gay families took part and after the egg hunt they held a calf-roping competition.

---

MONDAY: Earlier today at the White House they had the annual Easter Egg hunt.

The bad news for President Bush was that 200 gay families were at the White House for the Easter Egg hunt. The good news was that they were all cowboys.

---

MONDAY: Earlier tonight on NBC they had the debut of “Celebrity Cooking Showdown.”

That was some of the best knife work I've seen by a celebrity since O.J. Simpson.

---

MONDAY: The auto show is in town this week.

The New York Auto Show is famous because it has the world's largest display of cars on blocks.

---

MONDAY: The auto show is in town this week.

The auto show is a chance for New York City to see the cars that everybody will be stealing next year.

---

MONDAY: The auto show is in town this week.

There are always thousands of people at the auto show – and those are just the bodies in the trunks.

---

FRIDAY (4/28): Celebrity birthdays: Saddam Hussein turns 69 today.

I thought this was nice, President Bush offered Saddam a present – his country back.

---

FRIDAY (4/28): Celebrity birthdays: Saddam Hussein turns 69 today.

His daughters got him one of those novelty mugs that says “World's Greatest Dictator.”

---

FRIDAY (4/28): Celebrity birthdays: Jay Leno turns 56 today.

My birthday is April 12 and Jay's birthday is April 28, so at least I come before him in something.

---

FRIDAY (4/28): It was 216 years ago today that Benjamin Franklin died.

Benjamin Franklin, of course, was famous for many things. He discovered electricity, he signed the Declaration of Independence and, I believe, he was Joan Rivers' first husband.

---

FRIDAY (4/28): Scientists in Chicago recently found the fossils of a 375-million-year-old fish.

They say they're pretty confident this fish is that old because it was found on the menu of a Red Lobster.

---

FRIDAY (4/28): Good news: Michael Jackson has reached a deal to avoid bankruptcy.

They say he owes $200 million – and that's just what he owes his plastic surgeon.

---

FRIDAY (4/28): Good news: Michael Jackson has reached a deal to avoid bankruptcy.

Thank god he worked that out – his good name was really at stake.

---

FRIDAY (4/28): Here in New York City the police have installed hundreds of security cameras on street corners.

The police say the cameras are already paying off: so far they've gotten three videos on “America's Funniest Street Assaults.”

---

FRIDAY (4/28): Bad news: Hooters Air has gone out of business.

I'm telling you this wouldn't have happened if Bill Clinton were still president.

---

FRIDAY (4/28): Bad news: Hooters Air has gone out of business.

Apparently passengers were complaining that the flights weren't long enough.

[link | comment]

Earlier this week over in England Prince Harry graduated from the Sandhurst military academy.

I believe he's graduating with the rank of “Lt. Fuhrer.”

---

Earlier this week over in England Prince Harry graduated from the Sandhurst military academy.

His family says they're just happy to see him wearing a uniform that doesn't have a Swastika.

---

Britney Spears' nanny reportedly dropped her baby son from his high chair last week.

I'm thinking that Britney is about as good at picking nannies as she is at picking husbands.

---

Out in California the child welfare department was investigating Britney Spears this week because her baby son fell from his high chair.

They say Britney is cooperating fully with the authorities; she's already lip-sync'd them her side of the story.

---

Out in California this week they're having more mudslides.

Here's how bad it's getting: earlier today Barry Bonds was buried by a mountain of evidence.

---

FEMA recommended this week that homes in New Orleans be raised by at least 3 feet to avoid flood waters.

The scary part is that's part of their pre-Hurricane Katrina recommendations.

---

Muhammad Ali has sold the rights to his name for $50 million.

I believe this is the first time someone has sold himself out like that since I came to CBS.

---

Muhammad Ali has sold the rights to his name for $50 million.

And right now over on eBay there the high bid for my name is a buck.

---

Over in Japan this month some movie theaters are going to start emitting scents so people can smell what's going on during a movie.

I'm thinking this doesn't bode well for Michael Moore.

---

Over in Japan this month some movie theaters are going to start e emitting scents so people can smell what's going on during Colin Farrell's new movie.

Here's how it will work: every time Colin Farrell comes on screen the theater will pipe in the scent of stale beer and cigarettes.

[link | comment]

Celebrity birthdays: Today is my 59th birthday.

The good news is I'm now eligible for the AARP discount at Flashdancers.

---

Celebrity birthdays: Today is my 59th birthday.

The good news is Medicare will now cover my Viagra.

---

Celebrity birthdays: Today is my 59th birthday.

This was really sweet: my son Harry was the first person to wish me happy birthday today; he said “Happy Birthday Grandpa!”

---

Celebrity birthdays: Today is my 59th birthday.

This morning my son Harry served me my favorite breakfast in bed: plain oatmeal, dry wheat toast and Metamucil.

---

The president of Iran announced yesterday that Iran now has nuclear power.

President Bush said we can't afford to have a country run by religious fanatics with nuclear power in the Middle East – you know, aside from us.

---

Yesterday the president of Iran announced that Iran now has nuclear power.

Then earlier today President Bush announced that Iran now has nu-cu-ler power.

---

Yesterday the president of Iran announced that Iran now has nuclear power.

I'm thinking this is the kind of thing that could destabilize the Middle East.

---

There's a report that Britney Spears' son fell from his high chair and fractured his skull.

Apparently it was a pretty serious injury – he could barely drive himself to the hospital.

---

Sources in California say that the Department of Children ad Family Services was recently called to Britney Spears's house.

Apparently, they had a report that Britney had left her boy all alone – but it turned out that Kevin Federline was fine.

---

It was 45 years ago today that Yuri Gargarin became the first man in space.

Yuri Gargarin is the most famous Russian to go into outer space. Of course the most famous American in outer space is Michael Jackson

[link | comment]

President Bush has been accused of leaking classified information.

I think we were better off when he was just ignoring classified memos.

---

Katie Couric announced last week that she's coming to CBS and joining the cast of “60 Minutes.”

It's part of CBS's new strategy to win over a younger demographic: living people.

---

Earlier today the Yankees played their home opener at Yankee Stadium.

The first pitch was at 1:05 and at 1:06 the first drunken fan urinated from the upper deck.

---

Earlier today the Yankees played their home opener at Yankee Stadium.

Every opening day at Yankee Stadium they always bring out all the old timers from decades ago – and those are just the hot dogs.

---

Earlier today the Yankees played the Kansas City Royals in their home opener at Yankee Stadium.

The game was a big success – only three Royals are missing.

---

Earlier tonight on ABC they had Part II of “The Ten Commandments.”

It's an updated version for modern times. In this version Moses still leads the Hebrews into the desert but his approval rating goes in the toilet when they realize he doesn't have an exit strategy.

---

Earlier tonight on ABC they had Part II of “The Ten Commandments.”

It's an updated version for modern times. In this version instead of a burning bush God speaks to Moses through his iPod.

---

Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon, who's been in a coma since January, has been declared permanently incapacitated.

I believe he's the first world leader to be incapacitated since Dick Cheney had his last heart attack.

---

Next week at the White House 200 gay families will be attending the annual Easter Egg Roll.

In keeping with the gay theme White House officials say they'll be giving all the kids chocolate cowboys.

---

Next week at the White House 200 gay families will be attending the annual Easter Egg Roll.

I believe this will be the closest George Bush has gotten to a gay person since Dick Cheney's daughter rotated his tires.

[link | comment]

MONDAY: Yesterday at the White House a guy jumped a fence and was arrested by the Secret Service.

President Bush said this proves we're winning the war against the American people.

---

MONDAY: Yesterday at the White House a guy jumped a fence and was arrested by the Secret Service.

Officials said President Bush was never in danger and he didn't a miss a minute of NASCAR.

---

MONDAY: That crazy guy who jumped the White House fence yesterday said he had intelligence information for the president.

I'm thinking, well, that line's never going to get you a meeting with President Bush.

---

MONDAY: That crazy guy who jumped the White House fence yesterday said he had intelligence information for the president.

Secret Service agents wrestled the guy to the ground and kept him far away from President Bush. It's the same thing they do to anybody who has intelligence information for President Bush.

---

MONDAY: Katie Couric announced last week that she's leaving NBC to become the anchor of the CBS Evening News.

I believe this is the first time that a beloved NBC personality has gone to CBS since – well, I think it's actually the first time a beloved NBC personality has gone to CBS.

---

MONDAY: Katie Couric announced last week that she's leaving NBC to become the anchor of the CBS Evening News.

Here's the deal: she'll take over the CBS Evening News starting in September and then in 2009 Conan O'Brien gets the job.

---

MONDAY: CBS gave Katie Couric a 5 year deal for $15 million a year.

So if it doesn't work out I won't be the costliest mistake at CBS.

---

MONDAY: Katie Couric announced last week that she's leaving NBC to become the anchor of the CBS Evening News.

The announcement had an immediate impact on the ratings war between CBS and NBC: I dropped five more points behind Leno.

---

MONDAY: As part of her new deal with CBS Katie Couric will also be joining “60 Minutes.”

Finally, Andy Rooney will no longer be the perkiest “60 Minutes” correspondent.

---

MONDAY: It was three years ago yesterday that Baghdad fell to U.S. forces.

That's amazing – it seems like only yesterday that Iraq was in chaos.

---

MONDAY: Paula Abdul was assaulted and injured over the weekend.

Here's how serious her injuries are: her doctors say it could be weeks before she can have sex with contestants again.

---

MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Hugh Hefner turned 80 yesterday.

Apparently his birthday party was a big success – he survived it.

---

MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Hugh Hefner turned 80 yesterday.

His girlfriends baked him his favorite cake – chocolate with Viagra icing.

---

FRIDAY: Today is Good Friday.

I never eat meat on Good Friday, so for lunch today I had a Whopper.

---

FRIDAY: This Sunday is Easter.

My mom's coming to my house on Easter which means I'll be up early Sunday morning hiding all the liquor bottles.

---

FRIDAY: Last year I had the whole family over to my house for Easter dinner.

My Uncle Earl kept complimenting me on the salad which was strange because I didn't make a salad and then I realized he'd eaten a basketful of the plastic grass.

---

FRIDAY: This weekend at the White House they'll be having the annual Easter Egg hunt.

White House officials are asking anybody planning to come to wear a bright orange vest and make sure the Vice President can see you at all times.

---

President Bush has officially nominated former firefight R. David Paulison to be the next head of FEMA.

This sounds like a risky pick – the guy has no experience raising Arabian horses.

---

Astronomers have discovered more rings around the planet Uranus.

More rings around Uranus. Experts say this could have huge implications for dirty joke writers.

---

Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay says that he's not going to run for reelection.

He says he wants to start laundering money in the private sector.

[link | comment]