Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show
From
July 2003 until
October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the
LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN.
I wrote and submitted about
10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used.
But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get
paid for it!
Dave is one of my top two
all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It
never, ever got old.
This section displays
all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is).
Use the
archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the
search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.
Jokes highlighted in
bold were
used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention.
You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by
Jay and
Carson and
Jimmy) on my
Late Night Jokes page.
Enjoy!
March 30, 2006.
Web Posted at: 10:45 am UTC
Major League Baseball announced today that they're going to investigate Barry Bonds for steroid use.
I just hope this doesn't ruin his reputation.
Major League Baseball announced today that they're going to investigate Barry Bonds for steroid use.
Barry Bonds is being smart about this; he's already asking to have the investigation moved to Los Angeles.
It was 25 years ago today that President Reagan was shot.
I believe John Hinckley was the last crazed gunman to get that close to the president, other than Dick Cheney.
President Bush is in Cancun for the next few days to meet with the leaders of Canada and Mexico.
Here's the schedule: today the three leaders will meet for trade discussions then tomorrow they'll judge a wet T-shirt contest.
President Bush is in Cancun for the next few days to meet with the leaders of Canada and Mexico.
It's all part of the “Presidents Gone Wild Tour '06.”
While he's in Mexico President Bush is going to visit Mayan ruins.
I'm thinking if he wanted to see a civilization in ruins he could've just stayed home.
President Bush is in Mexico this week to try and boost trade between our countries.
It seems to be working – the Bush Twins have switched to Corona.
We found out this week that Yankees pitcher Randy Johnson has a secret love child.
It's good to know that somebody in baseball doesn't need performance enhancing drugs.
Yesterday on Capitol Hill Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney punched a police officer after he tried to stop her for not going through a metal detector.
Witnesses say it was shocking to see a member of congress actually trying to get to work.
Yesterday on Capitol Hill Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney punched a police officer after he tried to stop her for not going through a metal detector.
In her defense she said she was rushing because she was late for a meeting with a crooked lobbyist.
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March 29, 2006.
Web Posted at: 11:40 am UTC
President Bush's Chief of Staff Andrew Card resigned yesterday.
Being President Bush's Chief of Staff is a very important job – those vacations don't plan themselves.
President Bush is really shaking things up at the White House.
Yesterday his Chief of Staff resigned and earlier today he replaced his pastry chef.
Later this week President Bush is heading to Cancun, Mexico for a couple of days.
And next year he's heading to Daytona Beach for Spring Break.
Later this week President Bush is heading to Cancun, Mexico for a couple of days.
Bush has already sent down his advance team – the Bush Twins.
Over in France this week students are rioting over a new labor law.
Luckily we don't have that problem in the U.S. because our students are too busy having sex with their teachers.
Over in France this week they're having big riots over a new labor law.
French officials say if the rioting doesn't die down soon they may have to call in the Germans.
Earlier today there was a total eclipse of the sun.
President Bush said the eclipse just goes to show how unreliable solar power is.
Earlier today there was a total eclipse of the sun.
For those who don't know, a total eclipse of the sun occurs when the sun is completely blocked out by the moon or Kirstie Alley ass.
The beginning of hurricane season is right around the corner, June 1st.
Hurricane season or, as FEMA calls it, the off-season.
Jessica Simpson says she wants to adopt a baby.
She's certainly got plenty of experience supporting another person.
Jessica Simpson says she wants to adopt a baby.
She's already gone out and bought a bunch of Dr. Suess books – and she's also bought a bunch of stuff for the baby too.
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March 28, 2006.
Web Posted at: 11:30 am UTC
President Bush's chief of staff, Andy Card, resigned today.
Actually, he resigned a few days ago but President Bush kept ignoring the memo.
Earlier today President Bush replaced his chief of staff, Andy Card.
It's all part of President Bush's “No Scapegoat Left Behind” program.
Earlier today President Bush replaced his chief of staff, Andy Card.
Well, that should fix things in Iraq.
It was a beautiful day here in New York City today.
It was so nice today that Mayor Bloomberg decided to sell our ports to the Hawaiians.
Today I saw as sure sign that it's spring in New York City.
Over at Grant's Tomb they turned the sprinklers on.
Today is the 27th anniversary of the Three Mile Island disaster.
I believe that was the biggest disaster this country had seen until CBS hired me.
Today is the 27th anniversary of the Three Mile Island meltdown.
I believe that was the biggest meltdown this country had seen until Tom Cruise jumped up and down on Oprah's couch.
Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia made an obscene gesture at reporters after church on Sunday.
He apologized later and said it was just the communion wine talking.
Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia made an obscene gesture at reporters on Sunday.
He said it was an old Italian hand gesture he learned from Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
Scarlett Johansson has been named the “Sexiest Woman in the World” by FHM magazine.
For being elected the sexiest woman she gets her picture on the cover of the magazine and is now engaged to Brad Pitt.
Scarlett Johansson has been named the “Sexiest Woman in the World” replacing last year's sexiest woman, Angelina Jolie.
So obviously this could really be it for Brad and Angelina.
The government officially named Graceland a National Historic Landmark this week.
I just hope they don't turn into some cheesy tourist trap.
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March 27, 2006.
Web Posted at: 10:50 am UTC
MONDAY: Last week here in New York City there was a coyote loose in Central Park.
Here's how they caught him: a team of wildlife officials cornered him and shot him in the ass with a tranquilizer – it's the same way they capture the rats.
MONDAY: Last week here in New York City there was a coyote loose in Central Park.
They finally caught him after he was cornered by a pack of angry rats.
MONDAY: Last week here in New York City there was a coyote loose in Central Park.
Wildlife officials finally caught him when his Acme Rocket Powered car blew up.
FRIDAY: Here's a reminder for you folks watching at home: it's still March 31 until midnight, so my hair is not an April Fool's joke.
FRIDAY: Tomorrow is April Fool's Day
My son Harry played an early April Fool's Day joke on me today: he switched my Claritin with my Cialis.
FRIDAY: This weekend is the Final Four in the NCAA basketball tournament.
It's do or die time: I need UCLA to win it all or Wayne Gretzky's wife is going to have my kneecaps broken.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Former Vice President Al Gore turns 58 today.
I believe he hasn't been in the upper 50s since the 2000 election.
The Pentagon announced this week that Saddam Hussein was planning to use camels loaded with bombs against American troops.
We haven't actually found any camels of mass destruction in Iraq yet, but President Bush is sure they're there.
Information about Dick Cheney's travel requirements was released last week.
Whenever he travels he has to have a “downtime suite,” which is understandable – after all he is busy running a country.
We learned last week that when Dick Cheney travels he has to have a “downtime suite,” where he can relax and take it easy.
President Bush also has a “downtime suite” – it's called the Oval Office.
Information about Dick Cheney's travel requirements was released last week.
Here's what he requires in all of his hotel rooms: four bottles of water, four cans of caffeine-free Diet Sprite and two defibrillators.
Here in New York City they're installing 500 surveillance cameras around the city.
I'm looking forward to it; I've already signed up to get the Times Square channel.
One of Fidel Castro's former bodyguards has revealed new information about him.
He's what we learned about Castro: he burns his underwear after he wears it once, he likes expensive ham and he has a Rottweiler. It's like I have a twin
Scientists in Africa recently thought that they had discovered the missing link.
Turns out it was just Arnold Schwarzenegger on safari.
Scientists in Africa believe they've discovered skull fragments belonging to the missing link.
The fragments are between 250,000 and 500,000 years old and could be the oldest known human fossils since the Rolling Stones.
Inside sources at the White House are now claiming that Laura Bush is a secret smoker.
Sources say they haven't seen a woman sneaking out the back door the White House this much since Bill Clinton was president.
Inside sources at the White House are now claiming that Laura Bush is a secret smoker.
They say she won't do it in front of George so she only smokes in places she knows he'll never be, like in the Oval Office.
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March 21, 2006.
Web Posted at: 11:30 am UTC
Donald Trump's wife Melania gave birth to a son yesterday, Barron William Trump.
He said the hardest part of the labor and delivery was figuring out how much to tip the doctor.
Donald Trump's wife Melania gave birth to a son yesterday, Barron William Trump.
The labor and delivery went well – he only fired two nurses.
Donald Trump's wife Melania gave birth to a son yesterday, Barron William Trump.
When the baby was born there weren't any blankets handy so they just swaddled him in Donald's hair.
Donald Trump's wife Melania gave birth to a son yesterday, Barron William Trump.
They say the baby has his Daddy's combover.
Donald Trump's wife Melania gave birth to a son yesterday.
They gave him a cute name: Trump Baby.
I was thrilled to hear that Donald Trump had a baby.
It means I won't be the goofiest looking dad on the playground anymore.
Bill Clinton says that Hillary now has final say over what he does.
The good news is she still doesn't have any say over who he does.
Bill Clinton says that he now has to get Hillary's approval for whatever he does.
I'm thinking the problem isn't what he does, it's who he does.
Robert Blake is now working as a ranch hand.
Apparently he's got an interesting way of putting down a sick horse: first he takes it out to dinner and then he shoots it in his car.
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice says that she's not interested in becoming the next commissioner of the NFL.
She says that there are still a lot of countries she wants to invade.
The U.S. military spent $6.7 billion on fuel in 2004.
The good news is they saved 15% on their insurance by switching to Geico.
The U.S. military says they're trying to conserve fuel because of high oil prices.
In order to help the military conserve gas today President Bush announced that he was replacing Iran in the Axis of Evil with Canada.
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March 20, 2006.
Web Posted at: 11:00 am UTC
MONDAY: Today's the first day of spring.
Today's the day I officially switch to my lighter-weight toupee.
MONDAY: Today's the first day of spring.
At the start of spring every year I do the same thing: I put away my “Jets Suck” T-shirt and take out my “Mets Suck” T-shirt.
MONDAY: Here in New York City we're still cleaning up from the big St. Patrick's Day parade on Friday.
Officials say it could be weeks before the green dye wears off the rats.
MONDAY: This weekend was the third anniversary of the start of the Iraq war.
Well those three years have just zipped by.
MONDAY: This weekend was the third anniversary of the start of the Iraq war.
President Bush says these have been three of the hardest years of his life, you know, that he can actually remember.
MONDAY: This weekend was the third anniversary of the start of the Iraq war.
In honor of the anniversary Dick Cheney shot three hunting buddies.
MONDAY: Mike Wallace announced last week that he's retiring from “60 Minutes.”
He says he'll still come to the office everyday but he just won't do any work. It's the same deal I have with CBS.
MONDAY: Over in France this weekend students have been rioting.
Other countries have been offering to help. Earlier today Germany offered to send in some troops.
MONDAY: The Republican Party was founded on this day in 1854.
That's right it was 152 years ago today that the Republicans officially laundered their first wad of cash.
MONDAY: There's a rumor now that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are about to get married.
I'm starting to think that Bard and Jen may not be able to work things out.
MONDAY: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie reportedly didn't show up for their secret wedding in Italy this weekend.
Apparently the wedding's been postponed, but they're still on schedule for the divorce.
MONDAY: My NCAA picks didn't do too well this weekend.
Here's how I found out that I didn't do well with my picks: after the last game Sunday night Wayne Gretzky's wife called me to gloat.
WEDNESDAY: Celebrity birthdays: William Shatner turns 75 today.
He had a big party with all of his family and friends and former hairpieces.
President Bush said this week that he's pleased with the progress in Iraq and that he's implementing a strategy that will lead to victory.
That's right – he's drinking again
Is everybody excited about March Madness?
I don't get too excited about March Madness because I figure if I want to see guys who aren't ready for the pros play then I'll just go see the Knicks.
Last week Jessica Simpson turned down an invitation to meet President Bush.
President Bush was disappointed; he was looking to finally meeting somebody who has worse intelligence then him.
Last week Jessica Simpson turned down an invitation to meet President Bush.
I believe she hasn't snubbed somebody like this since she didn't leave a tip for Nick Lachey at the Olive Garden.
Robert Blake says he's ready to start acting again.
I believe his last acting job was when he testified at his trial.
Robert Blake says he's ready to start acting again.
Apparently he's ready to take a break from killing.
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March 14, 2006.
Web Posted at: 11:45 am UTC
Out in California officials have closed down Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch.
They're a little slow out there in California. Earlier today they took away Robert Blake's gun.
Out in California officials have closed down Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch.
That house is pretty special to Michael – it's where he first dangled his children.
There's a report that White House staff members are overworked and exhausted.
Apparently the only person at the White House who isn't overworked is George Bush.
There's a report that White House staff members are overworked and exhausted.
They say they're all busy working around the clock planning Bush's vacations.
There's a report that White House staff members are overworked and exhausted.
The good news is all those Republican staffers should get a nice long break during Hillary's administration.
There's a report that White House staff members are overworked and exhausted.
President Bush has been working hard too; he's had to cut down to two naps a day.
There's a report that White House staff members are overworked and exhausted.
President Bush says it can't be helped because the war in Iraq isn't going to bungle itself.
There's a report that White House staff members are overworked and exhausted.
Well, at least all that hard work has paid off.
President Bush's approval rating is at another all time low – 38 percent.
I believe he hasn't seen grades this low since he was in college.
This week the NCAA basketball tournament starts and everybody here in New York has basketball fever.
This morning on the Today show Tom Cruise was lecturing Matt Lauer on the pick and roll.
There's a rumor that Britney Spears may be pregnant again.
Apparently she was seen at the mall not buying another child car seat.
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March 13, 2006.
Web Posted at: 10:40 am UTC
MONDAY: Yesterday the NCAA announced the basketball tournament selections.
The bad news is the Knicks are a 15 seed.
MONDAY: Here on CBS yesterday they had the NCAA basketball tournament selection show.
After the picks were announced they had Billy Packer and Wayne Gretzky's wife break down the brackets.
MONDAY: President Bush's deal to give control of our ports to an Arab country was shot down last week.
I believe this was the biggest blow a president has received since Bill Clinton was president.
MONDAY: One of President Bush's former domestic policy advisers was charged with receiving phony refunds at department stores.
President Bush was shocked to hear this – he had no idea he had a domestic policy adviser.
MONDAY: There's a new book out that alleges that Barry Bonds used more than ten different kinds of steroids and performance enhancing drugs since the 1998 season.
Apparently he was taking so many drugs that even Courtney Love was shocked.
MONDAY: This new book about Barry Bonds says that he's unfriendly, he's surly and he can be downright mean.
It's like I have a twin.
MONDAY: Officials in California have closed down Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch for not paying his employees.
His former workers are having a tough time. Earlier today Bubbles the Chimp was down at the unemployment office.
MONDAY: Spring is in the air!
Today was the first day of the year that I could go outside wearing my lighter weight hairpiece.
WEDNESDAY: This Friday is St. Patrick's Day
Last St. Patrick's Day we had my Uncle Earl over and he told me we were out of green beer and then I realized he drank all of the Prell.
WEDNESDAY: This Friday is St. Patrick's Day
Over at the Hello Deli this week they're running their annual St. Patrick's Day special: half-price on the green pastrami.
WEDNEDAY: The big NCAA basketball tournament starts tomorrow.
After the show tonight I'll be helping mom to fill out her brackets.
WEDNEDAY: Programming note: tomorrow night and Friday night our show will be on later because of the NCAA basketball tournament.
The goods news is that for once at this time you'll be able to see somebody with some balls.
WEDNESDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg turns 73 today.
The other Supreme Court Justices threw her a party and they had a woman jump out of Clarence Thomas's robe.
WEDNESDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg turns 73 today.
Boy she doesn't look a day over 72.
President Bush is talking tough about keeping Iran from getting nuclear weapons.
He says if Iran doesn't give up its nuclear program he's seriously considering not giving them control of our ports.
Is everybody as excited about the World Baseball Classic as I am?
There's a lot on the line: the country that wins gets bragging rights and control of American ports
Since Martha Stewart was released from prison her net worth has dropped from more than $1 billion to just $500 million.
Let this be a lesson, kids – crime doesn't pay.
Since Martha Stewart was released from prison her net worth has dropped from more than $1 billion to just $500 million.
I knew she had no idea how to make an honest buck.
Osama bin Laden's niece Wafah bin Ladin is getting her own reality-TV show.
Earlier today al Qaeda declared a jihad against the WB.
Everybody in New York City is excited because those two hawks on Fifth Avenue have laid an egg.
I believe this is the most attention somebody's gotten for laying an egg since my debut on CBS.
There's a rumor that those two hawks on Fifth Avenue are expecting.
It may not be true because their publicists are denying it.
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March 2, 2006.
Web Posted at: 10:50 am UTC
We had a late winter snowstorm here in the northeast today.
Winter's been dragging on so long that today Dick Cheney shot Punxsutawney Phil.
President Bush is visiting India and Pakistan this week. He's coming home on Sunday.
I believe this is the first time since he's been president that he's had an exit strategy.
There's a new video out that shows President Bush being warned about Hurricane Katrina before it hit New Orleans.
To be fair, though, he slept through that meeting.
Yesterday President Bush promised we would eventually capture Osama bin Laden.
Well, it's good to see he still has a sense of humor.
Yesterday President Bush vowed to bring Osama bin Laden to justice.
I'm thinking he can't even bring Dick Cheney to justice.
Donald Trump has refused to rule out running for president in 2008.
Apparently he's seriously considering throwing his hair into the ring.
Donald Trump has refused to rule out running for president in 2008.
He's got big plans if he's elected president, like slots in the Lincoln Bedroom.
Donald Trump has refused to rule out running for president in 2008.
Did you hear that Martha? Better start digging a spider hole.
Celebrity birthdays: Today Dr. Seuss would have turned 102.
Earlier today President Bush called him one of our finest doctors.
Astronomers have a discovered a new asteroid that could hit the earth in 2012.
They say the odds are 1,000 to 1 – although Wayne Gretzky's wife is getting 1,500 to 1.
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March 1, 2006.
Web Posted at: 7:45 am UTC
President Bush made a surprise visit to Afghanistan today.
He met with Afghan president Hamid Karzai and they discussed the war, the shattered economy and the political unrest – and then they discussed Afghanistan's problems.
President Bush made a stopover in Afghanistan today on his way to India.
On the way back he has a layover in Pittsburgh.
President Bush arrived in India earlier today.
He was greeted by hordes of angry protesters, corrupt politicians, and extreme poverty – he said it felt just like home.
President Bush arrived in India today for a three-day visit.
I believe this will be his shortest vacation since his National Guard tour.
It's been three days now since the Olympics ended, which means right about now Bode Miller is saying to his friends, “I did WHAT at the Olympics?”
President Bush said this week that Osama bin Laden helped him to win re-election in 2004.
So, just in case he wasn't already public enemy number 1...
Earlier today Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice demonstrated her workout regime on a local Washington TV station.
And next week live on FOX Dick Cheney will shoot a guy.
Former President Clinton is looking for some new interns.
Here's how the selection process will work: each candidate will get five minutes under Bill's desk.
Former President Clinton is looking for some new interns.
Apparently it's going well: Bill's already called back several candidates for a second date.
Daniel Craig, the new James Bond, is suffering from prickly heat on the set of the new movie.
Apparently in this movie James Bond battles the evil forces of severe eczema.
A new study from The Netherlands finds that men who ate chocolate every day had lower blood pressure.
Researchers have determined the lower blood pressure it either due to the cocoa in the chocolate or all the weed the guys had smoked.
A new study from The Netherlands finds that men who ate chocolate every day had lower blood pressure.
The good news is the guys who didn't eat chocolate didn't care, since they were all stoned.
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