Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show
From
July 2003 until
October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the
LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN.
I wrote and submitted about
10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used.
But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get
paid for it!
Dave is one of my top two
all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It
never, ever got old.
This section displays
all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is).
Use the
archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the
search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.
Jokes highlighted in
bold were
used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention.
You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by
Jay and
Carson and
Jimmy) on my
Late Night Jokes page.
Enjoy!
February 28, 2006.
Web Posted at: 11:30 am UTC
It was bitterly cold again today here in New York City.
I found a great way to keep warm: I take one of those heat patches and I stick it right under my hairpiece.
It was bitterly cold again today here in New York City.
I found a great way to keep warm: I take a couple of those hand warmer deals and I put them right down my pants.
Down in New Orleans this week they're having Mardi Gras.
Earlier today FEMA showed up with a truckload of beads.
In Washington today Anna Nicole Smith appeared before the Supreme Court.
She'll be doing two shows nightly for the rest of the week.
In Washington today Anna Nicole Smith appeared before the Supreme Court.
The hearing was delayed for several hours so they could install a pole.
In Washington today Anna Nicole Smith appeared before the Supreme Court to try win back her dead husband's money.
I think it went well – Clarence Thomas kept asking to review her briefs.
President Bush is leaving tomorrow on a trip to India.
President Bush says he's looking forward to seeing the land that's given us so many wonderful casinos.
President Bush is leaving tomorrow on a trip to India and Pakistan.
President Bush says he's looking forward to seeing where all of our jobs have gone.
President Bush is leaving tomorrow on a two day trip to India.
Well, two days should be plenty of time to see everything.
It was revealed this week that Osama bin Laden likes to be hugged.
So, basically, he's a warmer version of me.
It was revealed this week that Osama bin Laden prefers being hugged to being kissed.
Not only that, but he also prefers Seals & Croft to Barry White for making out.
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February 27, 2006.
Web Posted at: 10:50 am UTC
MONDAY: Last night they had the closing ceremonies of the Winter Olympics.
At the end of the ceremony they officially extinguished the snowboarders' bong.
MONDAY: Did you hear what happened to Bode Miller on his way home from the Olympics?
He was in the airport in Turn and he was rushing to catch his plane and he missed the gate.
MONDAY: Last night they had the closing ceremonies of the Winter Olympics.
Not surprisingly Bode Miller failed to make it to the finish.
MONDAY: Bode Miller hasn't ruled out competing in the 2010 Olympics in Vancouver.
Obviously he ruled out competing in the 2006 games.
MONDAY: Bode Miller said he didn't get drunk too often during the Olympics.
Well, I think that's all you can really ask of your Olympic athletes.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Chelsea Clinton turns 26 today.
She celebrated quietly with a few girlfriends – and so did Bill.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Chelsea Clinton turns 26 today.
For her birthday Hillary bought Chelsea her first ever pants suit.
MONDAY: Don Knotts died this weekend at the age of 81.
I guess that means that now I'm America's most lovable geek
MONDAY: Don Knotts died this weekend at the age of 81.
My son Harry saw a picture of Don Knotts on the TV and heard them say that he was dead and he got all upset until I explained to him that it wasn't Daddy.
MONDAY: Mardi Gras is underway down in New Orleans.
This shows how resilient Americans are – when disaster strikes we start flashing our breasts.
MONDAY: Mardi Gras is underway down in New Orleans.
In response FEMA has already pledged to fly in a plane load of strippers.
FRIDAY: Sunday night out in Hollywood they're having the Academy Awards.
“Brokeback Mountain” has been installed as the betting favorite by Wayne Gretzky's wife.
FRIDAY: Sunday night out in Hollywood they're having the Academy Awards.
I can't wait to see all the makeup and hairstyles and beautiful outfits – and those are just the cowboys.
FRIDAY: Sunday night out in Hollywood they're having the Academy Awards.
I can't wait for Oscar night because I love to see which picture of me they use in the dead celebrities montage.
FRIDAY: Sunday night at my house we'll be having a big Oscar party.
The good news I don't have to do much preparation because my house is already decorated in a gay cowboy theme.
Former President Bill Clinton is looking for some new interns.
He's advertising in all the obvious places: Match.com, Singles.com, eHarmony.com...
Former President Bill Clinton is looking for some new interns.
In order to get the job you have to be good at the following things: answering the phones, word processing, and oral sex.
Former President Bill Clinton is looking for some new interns.
He's looking for girls that enjoy working in small, dark places for up to ten minutes at a time.
Over in Iraq Saddam Hussein has ended his 11 days hunger strike.
His lawyers convinced him to start eating again, but they still can't get him to go to his Pilates class.
The owners of Graceland want to expand it and make it as popular as Disneyland.
I just hope they don't make it tacky.
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February 23, 2006.
Web Posted at: 10:50 am UTC
There were more admissions made today by President Bush about what he knew and when he knew it.
Today President Bush admitted he had no idea Isiah Thomas had been given control of the Knicks.
Every day we're learning about more and more strange deals coming out of the White House.
Today President Bush announced that he's given an Arab country control of the Bush Twins.
George Steinbrenner has guaranteed that the Yankees will win the World Series this year.
Here's how sure he about it: he's giving Wayne Gretzky's wife 2-1 odds.
Thieves in England stole $74 million from a security company this week.
Experts say it was the biggest armed robbery in British history and it's the most cash someone's stolen since the Yankees signed Jason Giambi.
The U.S. hockey team was knocked out of the Olympics yesterday.
The problem was poor shot selection. I believe it was the worst shot selection since Dick Cheney's last hunting trip.
The U.S. hockey team was knocked out of the Olympics yesterday.
I don't want to say the American hockey team looked soft, but I saw harder hitting during the men's long program.
The Canadian hockey team lost to the Russians yesterday 2-0.
It was a big loss: it cost them a chance at a medal and Wayne Gretzky's wife 50 large.
The Canadian hockey team lost to the Russians yesterday 2-0.
Before the game they heard an emotional plea from Wayne Gretkzy to win it for Canada and then an emotional plea from his wife to cover the spread.
Officials in California have removed camels, llamas, and alpacas from Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch.
The animals have been taken to a safe location and are being given food, water and psychological counseling.
Officials in California have removed camels, llamas, and alpacas from Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch.
Sources say Michael is pretty upset about it: I just hope he doesn't do anything crazy.
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February 22, 2006.
Web Posted at: 11:10 am UTC
President Bush is giving an Arab country control of U.S. ports, including New York City.
I'm figuring well, hell, they already control the cabs.
President Bush is threatening to veto any bill that would block his deal to give an Arab country control of U.S. ports.
That's right, he's threatening a veto – sounds like somebody's been watching “The West Wing” again.
President Bush is serious about his deal to give an Arab country control of U.S. ports.
He's threatening to make anybody who opposes it go hunting with Dick Cheney.
President Bush says he can't understand why people are upset about giving an Arab country control of our ports.
It's strange because he usually has his finger on the pulse of the people.
Over at the Olympics last night they had the first night of the women's figuring skating competition.
I haven't seen that much makeup and sequins on the ice since – the men's competition.
26 years ago today was “The Miracle on Ice,” when the U.S. Olympic hockey team beat the Soviet Union.
It was a historic night because it was the first time the U.S. beat the Soviets and it was also the first game Wayne's Gretzky's wife ever bet on.
Celebrity birthdays: Senator Ted Kennedy turns 74 today.
He may be 74 but he can still make an ass of himself like a man 30 years younger.
Celebrity birthdays: Senator Ted Kennedy turns 74 today.
I thought this was nice: Hillary Clinton had her tailor make him a new pants suit.
Celebrity birthdays: Today would have been George Washington's 274th birthday.
In honor of his birthday today at the Washington Monument Dick Cheny shot up 274 tourists.
A guy in Florida has been arrested for killing his roommate because there was no more toilet paper in the house.
He's pleading not guilty by reason of a having a pretty god damned good reason.
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February 21, 2006.
Web Posted at: 11:40 am UTC
The Republicans are saying that Hillary Clinton is too angry to be president.
She may be too angry to be president, but she sounds just right to be vice president.
Yesterday at the Olympics Bode Miller failed to win a medal in his fourth straight event.
The good news is he's the favorite in his last event: the drunken slalom.
Yesterday at the Olympics Bode Miller failed to win a medal in his fourth straight event.
He said he was pretty disappointed in this last race because he wasn't even drunk for that one.
Poor Bode Miller. Things just keep getting worse and worse for him at the Olympics.
Yesterday he finished sixth in the giant slalom and today he was invited to go hunting with Dick Cheney.
Martha Stewart now says she blames Donald Trump for the failure of “The Apprentice: Martha Stewart.”
I'm thinking Donald better watch out: she's shiv'd people for less than that.
The Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson divorce is getting ugly: now they can't even agree on the date they separated.
He says it was December 13 and she swears it was November 31.
The Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson divorce is getting ugly: now they can't even agree on the date they separated.
He says he's positive it was December 13 because that's the day he started working at the Olive Garden.
Barry Bonds says that he's going to retire from baseball after this season.
Apparently he wants to spend more time with his family – just not this year.
Barry Bonds says that he's going to retire from baseball after this season.
So, after this year the only performance enhancing drug he'll need is Viagra.
Osama bin Laden is vowing now that he won't be taken alive.
I believe he's the first dangerous fugitive to say that since – Martha Stewart.
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February 20, 2006.
Web Posted at: 10:45 am UTC
MONDAY: Happy President's Day!
In honor of President's Day today down in Washington, D.C. Dick Cheney shot up the a cherry tree.
MONDAY: At my house today we had our annual President's Day party.
Things got a little out of hand and mom landed up giving me an ass full of birdshot.
MONDAY: It was really cold in the northeast here this weekend.
It was so cold here in the northeast that Dick Cheney was glad to be taking some heat.
MONDAY: It was really cold in the northeast here this weekend.
The good news is it was so cold that Dick Cheney's shotgun wouldn't fire.
MONDAY: Baseball spring training camps officially opened this weekend.
Today in Florida the Mets were busy practicing their finger pointing.
FRIDAY: Over in Italy they're getting ready to wrap up the Winter Olympics this weekend.
Italian officials say it could take weeks to clean up from all the partying and craziness – and that's just from Bode Miller.
FRIDAY: The Winter Olympics have been a big money loser for NBC.
I think the only person who lost more money on the Winter Olympics was Wayne Gretzky's wife.
Audiotapes of Saddam Hussein from the mid 1990's have recently been found and released.
In the tapes Saddam makes some uncanny predictions: he predicts that the U.S. will be attacked by terrorists and that I would never host the Academy Awards again.
Audiotapes of Saddam Hussein from the mid 1990's have recently been found and released.
In one tape Saddam says that if George W. Bush ever became president he'd grow a beard and move to a spider hole.
New information has been found which describes salary and benefits for al Qaeda members.
Intelligence sources say they found all the information right there on Monster.com.
New information has been found which details the salary and benefits for al Qaeda members.
For example al Qaeda members get five vacation days a month, 15 sick days a year and two drink tickets each at the al Qaeda holiday party.
New information has been found which details the salary and benefits for al Qaeda members.
For example al Qaeda members get $108 a month pay, five vacation days a month and 15 sick days a year. Hell, that's a better deal than we get here at CBS.
New information has been found which indicates that al Qaeda pays its members more money for each wife they have.
It's the same deal Larry King has with CNN.
A new audiotape from Osama bin Laden is out in which he vows to never be taken alive.
Apparently he's still hiding out in the mountains and he says he'll fight it out to the death rather than be captured – no, I'm sorry, that's Dick Cheney.
Lisa Marie Presley married music producer Michael Lockwood last month.
This is his first marriage and it'll be her fourth divorce.
Lisa Marie Presley married music producer Michael Lockwood last month.
This is her fourth marriage and the third to a non-surgically altered freak.
Here in New York City Mayor Bloomberg is sending out 30 crews to fill more than 1,200 potholes.
And once they're done with those they'll try to fill all the holes on the Mets.
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February 16, 2006.
Web Posted at: 10:20 am UTC
Yesterday Dick Cheney admitted he was the one who pulled the trigger and shot one of his hunting partners last weekend.
Well, thank god that mystery is finally cleared up.
Dick Cheney gave his first interview since he shot his hunting partner to FOX News yesterday.
The only place he would've gotten more puffball questions would've been this show.
Dick Cheney said that he wasn't drinking at the time he shot his hunting partner.
Apparently the only drug he was under the influence of at the time of the shooting was Lipitor.
Earlier tonight at the Olympics they had the men's figure skating final.
Or, as I like to call it, Cowboys on Ice.
They've changed the rules for figure skating this year.
Here's how the men's figure skating competition works now: The winner is the guy who has the highest combined score in the free skate and the calf roping.
At the Olympics yesterday the American's double men's luge team crashed and didn't win a medal.
Did you see the crash? I haven't seen two men go down on each other like that since “Brokeback Mountain.”
Over at the Olympics they say there has been lots of unsold tickets and empty seats.
I was watching curling the other night and the only person I could see in the crowd was Wayne Gretzky's wife screaming “You better cover the spread you bastards!”
Paris Hilton was sprayed with flour by anti-fur protesters during Fashion Week in London this week.
I believe this is the first time somebody's sprayed Paris Hilton like that since her sex video.
A woman in South Carolina says she found blood in a bag of McDonald's french fries.
McDonald's said it was just a misunderstanding and that she was accidentally given one of their new “Vampire Happy Meals.”
A woman in South Carolina says she found blood in a bag of McDonald's french fries.
She said she was so grossed out by it that she had to force herself to finish the bag of fries.
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February 15, 2006.
Web Posted at: 11:30 am UTC
It was really warm here today in Manhattan so all the snow from the big storm has been melting.
I believe there hasn't been a thaw this big in New York since Oprah and I made up.
I did a good deed. As I was walking to work this morning I saw a woman about to step in a big puddle of slush. So what I did was I said “Excuse me, ma'am” and I covered the puddle with my hairpiece.
The guy who Dick Cheney shot had a heart attack yesterday.
Interestingly, when they told Dick Cheney the news HE had heart attack.
The guy who Dick Cheney shot had a heart attack yesterday.
Cheney immediately went to visit the guy in the hospital, which was no problem since he was already in the hospital himself.
Good news: Doctors say that the guy Dick Cheney shot should recover fully from his injuries.
The bad news is they say Dick Cheney could go at any minute.
The guy Dick Cheney shot is a 78 year old lawyer.
Isn't that awful? Cut down in the prime of life.
Officials say that the reason Dick Cheney shot one of his hunting partners was miscommunication and misdirection.
Coincidentally that's also the same reason we went into Iraq.
Last night at the Westminster Dog Show Rufus, a colored bull terrier, was named Best in Show.
Rufus is already a big star. Today he made a sex video with Paris Hilton's teacup Chihuahua.
Last night at the Westminster Dog Show Rufus, a colored bull terrier, was named Best in Show.
He celebrated after the show with his handlers and a few of his bitches.
More bad news for Bode Miller at the Olympics: he was disqualified from the downhill combined event yesterday.
Apparently he didn't pass the hillside sobriety test.
Bode Miller was disqualified from the downhill combined event yesterday for straddling a gate.
In his defense he said he was so drunk it looked like there were two gates.
Saddam Hussein announced this week that he's on a hunger strike to protest his treatment.
Today he announced that's also boycotting “Desperate Housewives.”
Over in Pakistan this week people protesting those Muhammad cartoons vandalized a Pizza Hut, a KFC, and a McDonald's.
Earlier today Kirstie Alley called for an end to the violence.
There are rumors now that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have split up.
The rumors may be true. Earlier today Tom was jumping up and down on Dr. Phil's couch.
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February 14, 2006.
Web Posted at: 9:45 am UTC
Happy Valentine's Day!
Here's what Dick Cheney gave his wife on Valentine's Day: a dozen roses, a box of chocolates and an ass full of buckshot.
Dick Cheney's wife got him a nice surprise for Valentine's Day.
She had the lawyer he shot stuffed and mounted.
The entire staff of the Late Show chipped in and bought me a lovely Valentine's Day gift.
All I'm responsible for is tipping her at the end of the night.
Officials in Texas say that Dick Cheney was given a citation for not paying the $7 fee that's required for shooting game birds.
The good news is there's no charge for shooting lawyers, so he's clear there.
Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot one of his hunting partners this week.
As a result his Secret Service nickname is now “V. P. Diddy.”
Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot one of his hunting partners this week.
That's surprising because it just seems to out of character.
That guy Dick Cheney shot was a Republican lawyer.
Here's a heads up for all you Democrats: this is what he does to people in his OWN party.
The White House said yesterday that President Bush didn't find out for several hours that Dick Cheney had shot somebody while he was hunting.
Aides say he would've known sooner, but they put the information in an intelligence memo.
The White House said yesterday that President Bush didn't find out for several hours that Dick Cheney had shot somebody while he was hunting.
The White House said that's not so unusual – there's lots of things Dick Cheney doesn't tell Bush.
Mayor Bloomberg announced today that the snow emergency is officially over here in New York City.
That means that hookers can now work both sides of the street again.
The Westminster Dog Show is in town this week.
There haven't been this many well-groomed bitches in the city since Fashion Week.
Over at Madison Square Garden tonight they had the Westminster Dog Show.
It was a big night for the teacup Chihuahuas – they held the Knicks scoreless for the entire third quarter.
Here's how it works at the Westminster Dog Show.
Each night at Madison Square Garden a guys goes around feeling up the hindquarters of all the females – no, I'm sorry, that's Isiah Thomas.
Over in Iraq Saddam Hussein announced today that he's on a hunger strike.
Apparently he says the Pilates class just isn't doing the trick for him.
Over in Iraq Saddam Hussein announced today that he's on a hunger strike.
So, finally, some good news for the Bush Administration.
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February 13, 2006.
Web Posted at: 9:00 am UTC
MONDAY: Vice President Cheney accidentally shot one of his hunting partners this weekend in Texas.
When the EMTs first got to the scene, out of habit, they started giving Cheney CPR.
MONDAY: Vice President Cheney accidentally shot one of his hunting partners this weekend in Texas.
After the accident Cheney offered a sincere apology and a half-hearted sneer.
MONDAY: Vice President Cheney accidentally shot one of his hunting partners this weekend in Texas.
I thought this was nice: Cheney offered to pay to have him stuffed and mounted.
MONDAY: We got over two feet of snow here in New York City over the weekend.
I believe there hasn't been that much white powder in the city since Courtney Love was in town.
MONDAY: We had a big blizzard here in New York City over the weekend.
The city did a great job, though. They had crews of guys down the street at Flashdancers salting down the poles.
MONDAY: We had a big blizzard here in New York City over the weekend.
It was white-out conditions. I haven't seen the city this white since the Republican National Convention was in town.
MONDAY: Mayor Bloomberg was urging everybody in New York City to stay indoors for their own safety.
Not because of the snow, just because it's generally a good idea.
MONDAY: It's always great to see how New Yorkers really come together during emergencies like this.
Earlier today I saw four along the side of the road trying to help get Star Jones out of a snow bank.
MONDAY: Saturday before the storm here in New York City everybody went nuts stocking up on stuff.
I went into a convenience store on Saturday night and I saw a couple of rats loading a shopping cart full of beer and cigarettes.
MONDAY: Michelle Kwan had to withdraw from the Olympics yesterday because of an injury.
It was a pretty big deal. I believe it was the most famous withdrawal by an American since – Bill Clinton.
MONDAY: Bode Miller didn't get a medal in the men's downhill yesterday.
The good news is doesn't remember any of it.
MONDAY: Bode Miller finished fifth in the men's downhill yesterday.
The good news is he had highest blood alcohol content.
MONDAY: When the Winter Olympics are on I always like watching the two-man luge.
If you haven't seen it before, the two-man luge is like "Brokeback Mountain" on a sled.
MONDAY: Everybody here in New York City has Olympic fever.
On my way to work this morning my cab driver was wearing a sequined turban.
MONDAY: Everybody here in New York City has Olympic fever.
Earlier today down in Times Square a hooker gave me a perfect 10 for my dismount.
MONDAY: I got a mom one of those custom teddy bears for Valentine's Day.
It's really cute – it comes with a tiny little bottle of whiskey.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Paris Hilton turns 25 today.
She's got a pretty wild night planned, which you'll be able to see on video in a few days.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Paris Hilton turns 25 today.
Paris Hilton and I have a lot in common; for instance we each love teacup Chihuahuas.
FRIDAY: President's Day weekend is coming up.
President's Day is the day we all kick back, relax and not do any work – in other words, it's just like the president's day.
Good news: here in New York City last year 1.45 billion people road the subway.
Even better news: almost 1 billion of them survived.
An American Airlines pilot was arrested in England for being drunk before a flight.
American Airlines said they're really going to crack down and start finding some pilots who can hold their liquor
An American Airlines pilot was arrested in England for being drunk before a flight.
Apparently airport officials became suspicious when he showed up with a designated driver.
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February 9, 2006.
Web Posted at: 10:45 am UTC
Madonna was at the Grammy Awards last night.
I think she's getting a little old for this sort of thing. Last night she stripped down to her support hose.
U2 was the big winner at last night's Grammy Awards here on CBS.
Not everybody's happy about it; earlier today Mike Holmgren blamed the refs.
Hillary Clinton has been seen wearing a big new diamond ring.
They say it's a beautiful ring that goes perfectly with her pants suit.
Hillary Clinton has been seen wearing a big new diamond ring.
Apparently Bill gave Hillary her Valentine's Day gift early, since he's got a date that night.
Over in Italy everybody's excited about the Winter Olympics opening this weekend.
People are already partying in the streets, drinking heavily, staying up all night – and that's just Bode Miller.
The Senate office building had to be evacuated last night because of possible toxic agents in the air.
Turns out it was a false alarm; it was just Tom DeLay using a strong detergent to launder his money.
Police in California say they won't charge Britney Spears for driving with her child on her lap.
She was so relieved she lip-sync'd a big thank you.
Good news for Britney Spears: California authorities say they won't take her child away for driving with him in her lap.
The bad news is they won't take away Kevin Federline either.
42 years ago tonight the Beatles played on this very stage on the Ed Sullivan Show for the first time.
The Beatles and I have a lot in common – for example, we both bring audiences to tears.
Scientists in China say they've found the oldest tyrannosaurs fossil ever; it's 160 million years old.
Scientists say they haven't seen fossils that old since the Rolling Stones Super Bowl half time show.
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February 8, 2006.
Web Posted at: 11:45 am UTC
Earlier tonight here on CBS they had the Grammy Awards.
Or, as we call it here at CBS, “CSI: Los Angeles.”
All the big stars were at the Grammies tonight: Fall Out Boy, Fat Boy Slim, the Ying Yang Twins – no, I'm sorry, that's our Olympic snowboarding team.
The Grammy Awards were held out in Los Angeles.
It's nice to see people in L.A. letting their hair down and having a little fun for a change.
It's Fashion Week here in New York City.
It's the week where you can get a preview of all the hot new cowboy fashions.
Britney Spears was recently caught driving with her infant son sitting on her lap.
This is pretty serious; she may not be able to lip-sync her way out of this.
Britney Spears was recently caught driving with her infant son sitting on her lap.
In her defense she said she was only driving her house for a minute.
Britney Spears was recently caught driving with her infant son sitting on her lap.
Now she's in trouble with the child welfare department – not for driving with her child on her lap, but for making a child live with Kevin Federline.
A new study finds that low-fat diets don't reduce the risk of cancer or heart disease.
So, that's good news for all of you who have me in their death pool.
Scientists in Indonesia have discovered an isolated jungle that nobody's ever seen before.
Here's how isolated it is: it's only jungle left in the world that hasn't hosted “Survivor.”
Experts say this past January was the warmest January ever in the United States.
Apparently the only place in January there was a chill was in the Sheryl Crow/Lance Armstrong house.
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February 7, 2006.
Web Posted at: 11:30 am UTC
President Bush sent Congress his budget plan this week.
It's 2,400 pages long, weighs 11 pounds and has a humorous forward by Andy Rooney.
President Bush sent Congress his budget plan this week.
It's subtitled “2.7 Trillion Little Line Items.”
President Bush's new budget is 2,400 pages long.
In order to make sure it wasn't too boring they hired James Frey to punch it up a bit.
Celebrity birthdays: Ashton Kutcher turns 28 today.
Or, as Demi Moore says, 336 months.
Paris Hilton says that her diary has been stolen.
Isn't that shocking? Paris Hilton knows how to write?
Paris Hilton says that her diary has been stolen.
I feel bad for her because, you know, she's such a private person.
Paris Hilton says that her diary has been stolen.
The good news is earlier today Oprah announced that it was her latest book club selection.
A music company in Italy wants Michael Jackson to record some songs written by Pope John Paul II
Michael says he'll only do it if he can sing with the Vienna Boys Choir.
A woman in France recently received the world's first face transplant.
I believe she's the most famous woman to get a new face since Cher.
Over in China a map has been discovered that may prove that the Chinese discovered American before Columbus.
Apparently the map was made in 1418 and it shows the United States well within their delivery area.
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February 6, 2006.
Web Posted at: 10:45 am UTC
MONDAY: Yesterday up in Detroit they had the Super Bowl.
When asked why they were having the Super Bowl in Detroit the NFL said because Fallujah was booked.
MONDAY: Aretha Franklin sang the national anthem before the Super Bowl yesterday.
That explains the extremely tight security around the concession stands.
MONDAY: Boy, there were some big bodies on the field at the Super Bowl yesterday.
I'm talking three, four hundreds pounders – but enough about Aretha Franklin.
MONDAY: Last night after the Super Bowl Jerome Bettis announced his retirement.
I just think it was nice to see someone in Detroit becoming unemployed voluntarily for a change.
MONDAY: How about that Super Bowl pregame show?
It was so long and boring and pointless that I felt like I was watching the State of the Union address all over again.
MONDAY: A small plane entered restricted airspace over President Bush's ranch this weekend.
Juts to be safe President Bush was whisked away to a secret, secure underground vacation spot.
MONDAY: When that plane entered the air space near President Bush's ranch they scrambled two fighter jets and whisked the president away to a secure location.
It's the same thing they did when “Brokeback Mountain” opened in Crawford.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Former Vice President Dan Quayle turned 59 over the weekend.
Former President George H. W. Bush said Dan Quayle was like the son he already had.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Former Vice President Dan Quayle turned 59 over the weekend.
Now that George Bush is president I guess we know now what it would've been like if Dan Quayle had been president.
FRIDAY: The Curious George movie opened today.
Most people don't know that Curious George is just King Kong before steroids.
FRIDAY: The Curious George movie opened today.
They've updated Curious George for modern times. In this story George gets in trouble for starting an unpopular war.
FRIDAY: The Winter Olympics start this weekend.
I really love the ice skating because nothing says world class athlete like a guy in sequins.
FRIDAY: Mom and I are excited about the Olympics.
We'll be snuggled up on the couch all weekend watching ice dancing.
In honor of Fashion Week here in New York City this week Mayor Bloomberg has raised the terror alert level to “rawhide”
Every day during Fashion Week here in New York City there's a different event.
Earlier today down on Fifth Avenue they had the Parade of Cowboys.
Today I saw a sure sign that it's Fashion Week here in New York City.
I saw a bunch of cowboys giving a guy a queer makeover.
Today I saw a sure sign that it's Fashion Week here in New York City.
I saw King Kong getting a perm.
Lance Armstrong and Sheryl Crow have called off their engagement.
Apparently she wasn't happy that he refused to use any “performance enhancing drugs,” if you know what I mean.
Robert Blake has filed for bankruptcy.
He says he's so broke he could barely afford to hire somebody to kill his girlfriend
Up at the International Space Station this week they threw an old, empty spacesuit out into space and it's orbiting the earth right now.
I believe it's the most famous empty suit since – President Bush.
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