From July 2003 until October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN. I wrote and submitted about 10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used. But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get paid for it!

Dave is one of my top two all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It never, ever got old.

This section displays all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is). Use the archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.

Jokes highlighted in bold were used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention. You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by Jay and Carson and Jimmy) on my Late Night Jokes page.

Enjoy!

Today is Groundhog Day!

Here in New York City instead of a groundhog looking for his shadow, we have a rat that watches the Weather Channel.

---

Every year the groundhog celebrations take place at a place called Gobbler's Knob in Pennsylvania.

Coincidentally, Gobbler's Knob was also the Secret Service name for Bill Clinton.

---

That groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, has become a big star.

This morning after he came out of his hole I saw him on TV making pasta bolognese with Tony Danza.

---

That groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, is becoming a big star.

Here's how big of a star he is; the Bush Administration has started tapping his phone.

---

Michael Jackson has started wearing a woman's veil over his face in Bahrain.

Is it just me or is he starting to act peculiar?

---

Michael Jackson has started wearing a woman's veil over his face in Bahrain.

Finally, a kooky habit that we can all be happy about.

---

Donald Trump is launching his own online travel agency.

Boy, I really hope this business pans out for him for once.

---

Donald Trump is launching his own online travel agency.

It's going to specialize in comb-over friendly vacation packages.

---

Archaeologists in Egypt have discovered a 3,400 year-old statue of a former queen buried in the sand.

They say it's the oldest female likeness uncovered since Cher's last face lift.

---

A male student in New Jersey has won the right to wear a skirt to school.

When asked why he wanted to wear a skirt to school the kid said he just likes to dress like a cowboy.

[link | comment]

New York Knicks president Isiah Thomas has been accused of making sexual advances toward a former employee.

The good news is they were the best moves anybody on the Knicks has put on somebody in years.

---

There's a new book out that says that Osama bin Laden is a big fan of Larry King.

They actually have a lot in common. For example, they've both had 17 wives.

---

There's a new book out that says that Osama bin Laden is a big fan of Larry King.

They actually have a lot in common. For example, they've both been terrorizing the American people for years.

---

There's a new book out that says that Osama bin Laden is a news junkie.

You can tell he's a news junkie because in his last taped message he threatens more attacks on the U.S. if CBS doesn't hire Katie Couric.

---

There's a new book out that says that Osama bin Laden is a news junkie.

Here's how big of a news junkie he is: he's going to be Walter Cronkite's best man at his wedding.

---

Samuel Alito was approved for the Supreme Court by the Senate Judiciary Committee yesterday.

He was approved for the job by a small committee that voted along party lines. It's the same way George Bush became president.

---

The Democrats on the Judiciary Committee were upset about the Alito vote.

You could tell Ted Kennedy was mad after the vote the way he slammed his whiskey down on the table.

---

Earlier today Palestinians held parliamentary elections.

Today I saw a sure sign it's Palestinian election day; this morning my cab driver had Hamas campaign literature in his turban.

---

Former Vice President Al Gore has a new book coming out about global warming.

If there's anybody who can make global warming sexy, it's Al Gore.

---

Former Vice President Al Gore has a new book coming out about global warming.

You'll be able to find at your local bookstore under “Sleep Aides.”

---

President Bush said that he hasn't seen “Brokeback Mountain.”

He said the closest he's ever come to seeing a gay cowboy was when Dick Cheney's daughter visited his ranch.

---

CBS is forming a new TV network with Warner Bros. called “The CW.”

CBS is hoping the new network will win over that coveted younger demographic: people between 65 and 75.

---

Theo Epstein is back as the general manager of the Boston Red Sox, after taking a couple of months off after the season ended.

That's pretty unusual; usually the Red Sox take a couple of months off before the season ends.

[link | comment]

John Kerry said this week that he hasn't ruled out running for president again.

He's taking all the necessary steps to keep his campaign financing options open, like sleeping with Teresa.

---

John Kerry said this week that he hasn't ruled out running for president again.

Apparently he feels that there are still of lot important issues that he'd like to flip-flop on.

---

Up in Canada yesterday they elected a new conservative prime minister.

That's not surprising since the exchange rate makes it only cost 2/3 as much as it does here to rig an election.

---

Up in Canada yesterday they elected a new conservative prime minister.

I guess they saw how well having a conservative leader was working down here.

---

New Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper actually has a lot in common with George Bush.

For example, neither of them have any real power in the U.S.

---

Over in Iraq another judge in the Saddam Hussein trial has stepped down.

Nobody wants to be the judge in this case; earlier today even Judge Judy turned it down.

---

We've got a big new problem here in New York City – bedbugs.

They say there haven't been this many annoying bloodsuckers in New York City since the Republican National Convention.

---

Joey Buttafucco and Amy Fisher are going to reunite on an upcoming TV special.

I believe this will be the most watched reunion between a former couple since Oprah came on my show.

---

There are rumors now that Jennifer Lopez is pregnant.

I think the rumors might be true – she was seen shopping for diapers with an extra large ass.

---

NBC has announced that it's canceling “The West Wing” after this season.

The show has been on for seven years, which means that Martin Sheen has pretended to be president longer than any other person other than George Bush.

---

Here in New York City Mayor Bloomberg says he wants to raise the tax on cigarettes by 50 cents a pack.

Like the rats aren't already angry enough…

[link | comment]

There's a new audio tape out from Osama bin Laden.

Experts are pretty sure it's his voice because it matches a recording of his voice from when he was on “Dancing with the Stars.”

---

There's a new audio tape out from Osama bin Laden.

In the tape he offers a truce if the U.S. will either pull its troops out of Iraq or cancel “Skating with Celebrities.”

---

There's a new audio tape out from al Qaeda's number two guy, Ayman al-Zawahiri, in which he recites poetry for 17 minutes.

It starts with “There once was a man from Fallujah... ”

---

Here in New York City last week a dead guy was found riding the subway for most of the night.

Apparently people became suspicious when he just sat there for several hours and didn't flash anybody.

---

Last week NASA launched the New Horizons probe to Pluto.

Officials say they don't have an end date for the mission, so apparently even NASA doesn't have an exit strategy.

---

This past weekend they had the Miss America pageant in Las Vegas for the first time.

This is the kind of thing that could make people not take the Miss America pageant seriously.

---

Jennifer Berry was named Miss America this weekend in Las Vegas.

She won on the strength of her performance in the talent competition – shooting craps.

---

Angelina Jolie is changing the last name of her children to Jolie-Pitt.

I'm just glad she and Brad are taking things slow.

---

A sequel to “Peter Pan” is going to be published this fall.

In the sequel Peter Pan is forced to move to the Middle East after being acquitted of child molestation charges.

---

A sequel to “Peter Pan” is going to be published this fall.

In this story Peter Pan struggles with a rare skin-whitening disease.

---

FRIDAY 2/3 JOKES

---

The Super Bowl is this Sunday.

Everybody's got Super Bowl fever. Earlier today Tom Cruise was lecturing Matt Lauer about the West Coast offense.

---

At my house on Super Bowl Sunday we always have a friendly pool.

Here's how it works: everybody kicks in $5 and tries to guess what the score of the game will be when mom passes out.

---

My mom's in town for the Super Bowl.

She'll be making her special Gatorade Margaritas.

---

The Super Bowl is in Detroit this year.

When asked why they were having the Super Bowl in Detroit the NFL said because Fallujah was booked.

---

The Super Bowl is in Detroit this year.

The good news is people in Detroit will finally get to see some NFL football.

---

Everybody here in New York City has Super Bowl fever.

Down in Times Square the hookers are offering their annual Super Bowl special: for $10 you can get a groin pull.

---

The Rolling Stones are playing at the Super Bowl half-time show this year.

I'm looking forward to it because for one night I won't be the oldest fool on TV.

---

The Rolling Stones are playing at the Super Bowl half-time show this year.

The only breast likely to pop out during their show is Mick Jagger's.

---

The Rolling Stones are playing at the Super Bowl half-time show this year.

Here's how old the Rolling Stones are now: the only drug Keith Richards is liable to overdose on these days is Lipitor.

---

I'm looking forward to seeing all the new Super Bowl commercials this year.

Here are the companies that will have new ads during the game: Anheuser-Busch, Pepsi, Burger King, and al Qaeda.

[link | comment]

First Lady Laura Bush returned yesterday from a four day trip to Africa.

See, even she had an exit plan.

---

First Lady Laura Bush returned yesterday from a four day trip to Africa.

Here's what she saw on her trip: corrupt governments, senseless wars and massive poverty. It was like she never left the U.S.

---

The Bush twins were with the First Lady in Africa.

Apparently the trip went well; the twins were only arrested three times.

---

The Bush twins were with the First Lady in Africa.

They were there to help promote underage drinking.

---

I've been watching that new show on FOX “Skating with Celebrities.”

I haven't seen celebrities skate like that since O.J. and Robert Blake got off.

---

Over on FOX this week they had that “Skating with Celebrities” show.

I'm thinking if I want to watch celebrities skate I'll just turn on Court TV.

---

William Shatner has auctioned off one of his kidney stones for $25,000.

In order to prove it's authentic, the stone comes with its own hairpiece.

---

William Shatner has auctioned off one of his kidney stones for $25,000.

Talk about a “high grossing production.”

---

Officials in California say that Michael Jackson is not mistreating the animals at his Neverland Ranch.

They said the only cruel treatment they observed was the fact the animals had to live with Michael Jackson.

---

Russell Crowe and his wife are expecting their second child.

He was so excited when he got the news that he threw his phone at the doctor.

---

The woman who planted a severed finger in a bowl of Wendy's chili has been sentenced to nine years in prison.

The good news is Wendy's has offered her a job to help spice up their menu.

[link | comment]

Up in Alaska this week the Augustine Volcano erupted sending ash 8 miles into the air.

I believe this is the biggest thing to blow in the U.S. since Monica Lewinsky.

---

Over on FOX earlier tonight they started the new season of “American Idol.”

I always like when “American Idol” is on because for one night a week I'm not the most embarrassing person on TV.

---

It's amazing how every season “American Idol” manages to find a whole new group of losers who're willing to embarrass themselves on national TV every week – wait, I'm sorry, I'm thinking of the New York Jets.

---

Good news: the death rate in New York City is now at an all time low – only 7 people out of every 1,000.

That means only 2 or 3 of you people in the audience won't make it home tonight.

---

Trent Lott says that he's going to run for re-election to the Senate.

Apparently he wants to spend more time with his lobbyists.

---

Earlier today NASA had to cancel the launch of the Pluto probe due to a power failure.

They were pretty sure they were going to be able to launch today. Turns out they just had some bad intelligence.

---

NASA's new mission to Pluto will cost $700 million and take over ten years to complete.

I'm thinking if NASA wants to study a body in outer space, how about starting with Michael Jackson?

---

Yesterday the Jets hired Eric Mangini as their new head coach.

He helped the Patriots win three Super Bowls – but the Jets decided to hire him anyways.

---

Yesterday the Jets hired Eric Mangini as their new head coach.

He's only 34 years old which will make him the youngest head coach in the NFL to get fired.

---

CBS announced this week that they're producing a new “micro-series” just for the internet.

Here's how it works: there will be only seven episodes that people will be able watch for a minute or less. In other words it's just like every other series on CBS.

[link | comment]

“Brokeback Mountain” and “Capote” were the big winners at the Golden Globe awards last night.

There were so many gay characters on stage last night that for a minute there I thought I was watching the Tony awards.

---

“Brokeback Mountain” won four Golden Globe awards last night.

“Brokeback Mountain” is good it's expected to win several Oscars and it's so gay it's expected to win a bunch of Tony awards.

---

A new study out finds that having a TV in your bedroom reduces the amount of sex you have by %50.

I'm thinking, hell, if it weren't for my TV I wouldn't even have any sex.

---

Michael Jackson is reportedly interviewing for a job in Dubai.

Well, I'm sure he'll interview well.

---

Michael Jackson is reportedly interviewing for a job in Dubai.

It's not going too well; the only reference he listed was Bubbles the Chimp.

---

Michael Jackson is reportedly interviewing for a job in Dubai.

It's not going too well; he's having a hard time deciding what to put down on the application form under “Sex.”

---

Michael Jackson is reportedly interviewing for a job in Dubai as a consultant to an entertainment company.

That makes sense; if there's one thing Michael is it's entertaining.

---

Earlier today NASA launched the New Horizons space probe, which will explore Pluto.

So far the mission has cost $700 million and it will take at least 10 years to complete – no I'm sorry, that's the war in Iraq.

---

Earlier today NASA launched the New Horizons space probe, which will explore Pluto.

In order to save on fuel, the spacecraft will use the gravity of a much larger body by slingshotting itself around Kirstie Alley.

---

Earlier today NASA launched the New Horizons space probe, which will explore Pluto.

NASA said the spacecraft is going to be powered by 24 pounds of plutonium, because gas prices are just too high.

---

A man in California has a new world record for solving Rubik's Cube in 11.13 seconds.

That's amazing. The only thing I can do in under 12 seconds is have sex.

[link | comment]

Today we had the annual Letterman family Martin Luther King Jr. Day party.

It went like is usually does; mom got loaded and told us all about the time she slept with Martin Luther King Jr.

---

My mom is staying with us for the big Martin Luther King Jr. holiday.

Today she made her special “I Have a Dream Margaritas.”

---

Celebrity birthdays: Andy Rooney turned 87 over the weekend.

His friends had a party for him and had a girl jump out of his eyebrows.

---

Celebrity birthdays: Andy Rooney turned 87 over the weekend.

The guys from “60 Minutes” threw him a wild party – it went until almost 6:00pm.

---

Officials in Pakistan say that a CIA airstrike this weekend failed to kill al Qaeda's number 2 man, Ayman al-Zawahiri.

Apparently the CIA had some bad intelligence, which, you know, is pretty unusual.

---

Yesterday a capsule carrying dust particles from a comet was successfully returned to Earth and recovered by NASA.

This was amazing. What they did was they collected the dust by using a specially designed Swiffer mop.

---

Shelly Winters died this weekend at the age of 85.

Here at CBS we were sad to hear she died; we were hoping she'd last at least through February sweeps.

---

The emir of Kuwait died this weekend at the age of 79.

He leaves behind a large family of servants – and that's just the Bush administration.

---

Iran announced this week that they're going to hold a conference on the Holocaust.

That would be like CBS holding a conference on high ratings.

---

Iran announced this week that they're going to hold a conference on the Holocaust.

That would be like the U.S. holding a conference on intelligence gathering.

[link | comment]

Crime here in New York City is at an all time low.

Crime is so low here in New York that earlier today the Gambino crime family announced they're laying off another 100 hoods.

---

Crime here in New York City is at an all time low.

Crime is so low here in New York that earlier today 100 more hookers filed for unemployment.

---

Texas beat USC in the Rose Bowl last night to win the college football national championship.

Naturally security was very tight – you know, to keep O.J. out.

---

Texas beat USC in the Rose Bowl last night to win the college football national championship.

I believe this is the most unlikely victory by somebody from Texas since George Bush was elected.

---

Down in Washington, D.C. today a commuter trail derailed.

Witnesses say they haven't seen something in Washington go off the rails like that since George Bush's invaded Iraq.

---

President Bush predicted yesterday that the number of U.S. troops in Iraq will drop in 2006.

He's probably right; his gut feelings are usually pretty good.

---

President Bush said yesterday that the number of U.S. troops in Iraq will go down in 2006.

The bad news is the number of U.S. troops in Iran will go up in 2006.

---

Sheik Maktoum bin Rashid Al Maktoum, the vice president of the United Arab Emirates, died this week at the age of 62 from a heart problem.

He was known as the “Dick Cheney of Dubai”.

---

Jon Stewart was announced today as the host for this year's Academy Awards.

That seems like a good move for him; what could possibly go wrong?

---

Here in New York City we just elected our first openly gay person to head the City Council.

Apparently she won on the strength of the gay cowboy vote.

---

Here in New York City we just elected our first openly gay person to head the City Council.

This should really help boost cowboy tourism to New York.

[link | comment]

President Bush is urging Congress to renew the Patriot Act saying it's vital for our national security.

Well, I don' see any reason why we shouldn't trust him on this.

---

President Bush is urging Congress to renew the Patriot Act.

I don't see what the big deal is; it's not like he's going read any of that domestic intelligence anyway.

---

Former Washington, D.C. mayor Marian Barry was robbed at gunpoint the other night.

The good news is nobody was hurt, but the hooker he was with was pretty shaken up.

---

Former Washington, D.C. mayor Marian Barry was robbed at gunpoint the other night.

Luckily he wasn't hurt but the robbers got away with his wallet and 2 grams of coke.

---

Oil prices are back up to record high levels again.

Today I saw a sure sign that that gas prices are up again; near my house there was a line of people waiting to siphon gas from my car.

---

Oil prices are back up to record high levels again.

Oil prices are so high now that President Bush is thinking about invading Iran just to get their nuclear power.

---

The export of caviar has been banned around the world to prevent the extinction of sturgeon.

Experts say this could be the biggest blow to the caviar industry since Martha Stewart went to prison.

---

Researchers in Austria believe they've found Mozart's skull.

They say they used a DNA test and, just to be sure, had Joan Rivers identify it.

---

A woman over in Great Britain has married a dolphin.

It was a typical wedding – they couldn't agree on whether to serve fish at the reception.

---

Scientists in Missouri say they've discovered the world's largest known prime number.

For those who don't know what a prime number is, it's a number that can only be divided by itself or 1 and is guaranteed to keep you from getting a date.

[link | comment]

It was really windy today here in New York City.

It was so windy that I had to use a few extra pieces of double-sided tape to keep my hair piece on.

---

Celebrity birthdays: Mel Gibson turns 50 today.

He's celebrating like he usually does – by blaming the Jews.

---

It was two years ago today that the Spirit rover landed on Mars.

Engineers said Spirit will keep running until either the power or the lease runs out, whichever comes first.

---

In two years the Mars rovers have cost over $900 million and traveled a total of seven miles.

$900 million for seven miles – and that's the just the cost of the gas.

---

In two years the Mars rovers have cost over $900 million and traveled a total of seven miles.

Engineers said it would even cost even more if they hadn't used the low octane gas.

---

Bad news: hotel prices here in New York City are at record highs.

The good news is even terrorists can't afford to stay here now.

---

Bad news: hotel prices here in New York City are at record highs.

The good news is the vibrating beds now take credit cards.

---

Donald Trump says that he's not running for governor of New York.

Damn! We could've finally had a governor who could represent the interests of the billionaires.

---

Donald Trump says that he has not ruled out running for president in 2008.

I'm thinking, how's this guy going to fix the economy and Iraq when he can't even fix his hair?

---

A Florida teenager who went to Iraq by himself over Christmas is safely back home.

The bad news is the Bush Administration is trying to call him up again.

[link | comment]

MONDAY: Happy New Year!

It's officially 2006 now but I still keep putting 2005 in my coded messages.

---

MONDAY: Dick Clark was back hosting “Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve” on ABC with Ryan Seacrest.

I was embarrassed for him. He looked confused, he looked befuddled, he could barely form a complete sentence – and Dick Clark didn't look too good either.

---

MONDAY: Dick Clark was back hosting “Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve” on ABC this year.

Did you hear his opening line? It was pretty cute: “I'm not dead yet, Regis!”

---

MONDAY: President Bush spent the holiday weekend relaxing at his ranch in Texas.

He was getting constant updates from the front lines – and those were just the guys following the Bush twins.

---

MONDAY: President Bush spent the holiday weekend relaxing at his ranch in Texas and preparing for another full year of vacations.

---

MONDAY: It's January 2nd and I've already broken one of my New Year's resolutions.

Earlier this morning I sent out a coded message.

---

MONDAY: I spent New Year's Eve like I do every year.

I watched all of the end-of-year round-ups on TV to see how many dead celebrity montages I was in.

---

MONDAY: Here in New York City security was tight on New Year's Eve.

Police were everywhere, streets were closed and visitors had to go through metal detectors – and that was just at my house.

---

MONDAY: This year in Times Square on New Year's Eve they did something new.

Instead of dropping that big crystal ball at midnight they just had King Kong climb the building and smash it to bits.

---

MONDAY: All the celebrities were in New York City for New Year's.

At midnight on New Year's King Kong was seen kissing Kirstie Alley.

---

MONDAY: I took mom down to Times Square on New Year's Eve and it was nuts.

There were so many people there we were squeezed, we were groped, we were fondled – she's already asking if we can go again next year.

---

FRIDAY: Stamp prices are going up this weekend from $.37 to $.39.

That's why starting now I'm sending all my mail as encoded messages.

---

FRIDAY: Stamp prices are going up this weekend from $.37 to $.39.

So, that means the cost of stalking just went up.

---

FRIDAY: Stamp prices are going up this weekend from $.37 to $.39.

The price of stamps is getting so high President Bush is considering invading a few mail carrying countries.

---

The Bush Administration is reportedly making plans to attack Iran.

All the signs are there – President Bush has begun actively ignoring memos on Iran.

---

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are reportedly expecting a baby.

I smell another nanny scandal coming.

---

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are reportedly expecting a baby.

Brad's hoping that it'll be a girl – and that's just the nanny.

---

Donald Trump is reportedly thinking about running for governor of New York.

Apparently the rumors are true. He was seen this week measuring the governor's mansion for slot machines.

---

Apparently the new King Kong movie isn't doing too well.

Here's how bad it's been going for King Kong: earlier today down at Flashdancers I saw him working as a bouncer.

[link | comment]