From July 2003 until October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN. I wrote and submitted about 10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used. But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get paid for it!

Dave is one of my top two all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It never, ever got old.

This section displays all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is). Use the archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.

Jokes highlighted in bold were used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention. You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by Jay and Carson and Jimmy) on my Late Night Jokes page.

Enjoy!

It's Day Three of the big transit strike and New Yorkers are dealing with the aggravation in the same way they always do – by taking it out on others.

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The transit strike has actually been good for some people.

For example, former President Bill Clinton finally has a good excuse for why he didn't come home last night.

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The transit strike is affecting everyone, like former President Bill Clinton.

On the way to work today Clinton stopped his car to pick up three hookers.

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I found a great way to get to work this morning and beat the cold at the same time.

What I did was I gave a guy $20 to give me a ride to work in his hot dog cart.

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During the transit strike you have to have at least three other people in your car to drive into Manhattan.

The good news is they don't all have to be alive.

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Saddam Hussein claims that he's been beaten by his American guards while in prison.

So, apparently, we're finally doing something right in Iraq.

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Saddam Hussein claims that he's been tortured by while in prison.

He said it's been weeks since he's been allowed to watch “Oprah.”

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Saddam Hussein claims that he's been tortured by while in prison.

He says that one time he was locked in a room by himself and forced to listen to the entire Regis and Donald Trump Christmas CD.

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The Supreme Court of Canada has ruled that group sex is not illegal.

In a related story, Arnold Schwarzenegger is now thinking of running for Prime Minister of Canada.

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Elton John and his partner David Furnish were married in London yesterday.

No date has been set for the gay divorce.

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Elton John and his partner David Furnish were married in London yesterday.

Few details of the event were released but we can safely assume that there was at least one cheesy lounge singer at the reception.

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Here in New York City we're in the middle of a transit strike.

It really hasn't been that bad. There's nothing like a walk across the Triborough Bridge in December.

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The transit strike is affecting 7 million commuters who come into the city each day.

The good news is half of those are rats.

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The New York Yankees have signed Johnny Damon from the Boston Red Sox to a four year contract.

It's going to be really exciting to watch a player of his caliber breakdown and under-perform for the next four years.

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The New York Yankees have signed Johnny Damon from the Boston Red Sox.

He's 32 years-old, or as they call that on the Yankees, a prospect.

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Donald Rumsfeld said this week that he has no idea if Osama bin Laden is dead or alive.

Earlier today he said the same thing about Dick Cheney.

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Donald Rumsfeld said this week that capturing Osama bin Laden is still a priority.

He's promised to not give up until he's personally holding bin Laden naked on a leash.

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Donald Rumsfeld said this week that capturing Osama bin Laden is still a priority.

Doesn't that imply that it was a priority in the first place?

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Saddam Hussein said in a recent interview that he was furious about being photographed in his underwear.

He said it was insulting and degrading and he's seriously considering not doing it again.

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Saddam Hussein said in a recent interview that he was furious about being photographed in his underwear.

He's already doing something about it – today he enrolled in a Pilates class.

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eBay has announced they've changed their minds and they're not going to allow the sale of pets on their web site.

Damn! Now I have find somewhere else to buy mom that teacup Chihuahua for Christmas.

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Sources say Michael Jackson is in serious financial trouble.

Apparently men were seen at his Neverland Ranch today repossessing three monkeys.

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Britney Spears is suing a tabloid magazine for $20 million for libel.

Friends say she's serious about this; she's prepared to lip sync all the way to the Supreme Court.

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You'll have to excuse me if I look a little rattled; I had a rough commute this morning because of the transit strike.

In order to get to work today I carpooled into Manhattan and for two hours I was stuck in the back seat of a car between Star Jones and Regis.

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Experts say the transit strike here in New York will cost the city $400 million per day.

And that's just what the hookers are losing.

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Everybody here in New York City is adjusting to the transit strike.

For example today, instead of coming in to Manhattan, King Kong terrorized Newark.

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Other unions here in New York are honoring the transit strike.

For example earlier tonight at Madison Square Garden the Knicks failed to show up.

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Maybe it's just me but this whole holiday tipping thing is getting out of control.

Earlier today I gave a Christmas tip to the homeless guy outside the theater who gives me the finger every day.

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The president of Iran has banned all Western music including Kenny G.

In response today President Bush said, “You can do that?”

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Over in Iraq the U.S. military has released two female biological weapons experts, Dr. Germ and Mrs. Anthrax.

Sure, why not? They sound perfectly harmless.

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A guy in New Jersey shot a 745-pound bear.

The bear was so big it took five guys to dress it and hoist it onto a trailer so they could move it. It's the same way they get Kirstie Alley to the Academy Awards.

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A guy in New Jersey shot a 745-pound bear.

The bear was so big it took five guys just to stuff it into the trunk of a car.

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Jessica Simpson officially filed for divorce from Nick Lachey last week.

It became official once she signed her “X” to the divorce petition.

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MONDAY: Last night President Bush made his first speech to the nation from the Oval Office in almost three years.

Coincidentally it was also the first time he was in the Oval Office in almost three years.

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MONDAY: Here in New York City the transit workers are threatening to go on strike at midnight tonight.

The good news is Mayor Bloomberg has already made emergency plans to helicopter all of the hookers into Times Square.

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MONDAY: Here in New York City the transit workers are threatening to go on strike at midnight tonight.

The good news is Mayor Bloomberg has already made emergency plans to get workers into Manhattan on the back of King Kong.

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MONDAY: Here in New York City the transit workers are threatening to go on strike at midnight tonight.

Earlier today Mayor Bloomberg made a plea for people planning to come into Manhattan to please, if it all possible to pick up a hooker in New Jersey.

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MONDAY: Vice President Dick Cheney made a surprise visit to Iraq this weekend.

Here's how much of a surprise it was: officials in Iraq barely had enough time to get the defibrillators in place.

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MONDAY: Vice President Dick Cheney made a surprise visit to Iraq this weekend.

The trip was a big success – he didn't have a heart attack.

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MONDAY: Vice President Dick Cheney made a surprise visit to Iraq this weekend.

While he was there he officially reviewed a number of Iraqi cardiac units.

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MONDAY: Ashlee Simpson collapsed after a performance in Tokyo last week.

Ahslee's sister Jessica was shocked to hear the news – she said she had no idea Ashlee was in China.

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MONDAY: Howard Stern broadcast his last show on regular radio last Friday.

It was crazy; the streets of Manhattan were filled with hookers and freaks and all kinds of crazy people – and then there were the Howard Stern fans.

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MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Katie Holmes turned 27 over the weekend.

She had a lovely birthday – at least that's what Tom told her.

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FRIDAY: You can tell it's only two days until Christmas.

Earlier today the Department of Homeland Security changed the terror alert level to Eggnog.

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FRIDAY: It's only two days until Christmas and today I did what I do every year about this time.

I went down to Times Square and tipped all the hookers.

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FRIDAY: This is the first year I bought all of mom's Christmas presents online.

It was really easy; I just went to johnniewalker.com, jackdaniels.com, captiainmorgan.com...

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FRIDAY: Ever since my son Harry was born we have a new tradition at my house on Christmas Eve.

Just before we put Harry to bed, we have him put out some carrots for Santa's reindeer, and for Santa he puts out a glass of milk and a plate full of Lipitor.

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FRIDAY: My son Harry is old enough now to know all about Santa Claus.

Maybe this was mean but I told Harry that if he's not good all he's going to get from Santa is a Regis Philbin and Donald Trump Christmas CD.

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President Bush has admitted to authorizing domestic spying here in the U.S.

The good news is he says the only domestic spying he's done was to find out the secret recipe for Bush's Baked Beans.

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President Bush has admitted to authorizing domestic spying here in the U.S.

The good news is he says the only domestic spying he's done was to find out the season ending cliffhanger for “Lost.”

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President Bush has admitted to authorizing domestic spying here in the U.S.

The good news is he says the only domestic spying he's done was to find out what he's getting for Christmas.

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President Bush has admitted to authorizing domestic spying here in the U.S.

Based on the information that's been gathered President Bush is now threatening to invade Idaho.

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The U.S. Mint announced this week that they're going to start making new dollar coins with each of the presidents.

They're going to issue a new coin for each of our elected presidents, from George Washington all the way through Al Gore.

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It's been really cold here in New York City this week.

It was so cold today that for my walk to work I had to put on my Gore-Tex hairpiece.

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It's been really cold here in New York City this week.

It was so cold today that the people waiting in line to see “The Color Purple” were actually turning purple.

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King Kong opened yesterday and now he's everywhere.

Earlier today King Kong was on with Tony Danza making spaghetti carbonara.

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King Kong is already a big hit and I think the pressure is getting to him.

Earlier today at his hotel he threw a phone at a concierge.

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King Kong is already a big hit and I think all the attention is changing him.

Earlier today he announced he that he's converted to Scientology.

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King Kong opened yesterday and it's already a big hit.

Here's how big King Kong is already: he's thinking of dumping his wife for Angelina Jolie.

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Over in Iraq today they held parliamentary elections.

The results of the voting will be announced tomorrow night by Ryan Seacrest.

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Earlier this week in Iraq officials found a truck filled with thousands of forged paper ballots for today's election.

Finally, the seeds of democracy are taking root.

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Earlier this week in Iraq officials found a truck filled with thousands of forged paper ballots for today's election.

That just goes to show how far they have to go to be like us; here in the U.S. we rig our elections electronically.

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The U.S. government announced this week that air marshals are going to start working undercover on buses and transit systems.

I don't know about other parts of the country, but here in New York City we already have people on the subways in plain clothes carrying weapons; they're called passengers.

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There's a new study out that finds that Americans are fatter than ever.

The good news is we're almost fat enough to start hibernating through the winter.

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It was really cold again today in New York City.

It was so cold today that King Kong changed his plans and decided to terrorize Miami.

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Over in Iraq tomorrow they're holding elections for a full four-year parliament.

I'd say Dick Cheney has a better chance of still being around in four years.

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In anticipation of tomorrow's elections in Iraq they've banned all traffic, sealed the borders and put a curfew in effect.

Yep, sounds like they've officially got a free and open society.

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Earlier today President Bush accepted responsibility going to war against Iraq based on faulty intelligence.

That really clears things up; I've been wondering who made that call.

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This week the president of Iran called the Holocaust a myth.

This is the kind of thing that could give Iran a bad name.

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King Kong officially opened today.

I believe King Kong is the biggest menace to terrorize New York since – Star Jones.

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The producers of King Kong are really going all out to publicize the movie.

Earlier today King Kong was jumping up and down on Oprah's couch.

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The special effects in King Kong are spectacular.

King Kong looks so real and lifelike it's like you're watching Kirstie Alley on screen.

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Former President Gerald Ford is in the hospital.

Aides say he's as healthy as any 92-year-old – and we all know how healthy 92-year-olds are.

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Former President Gerald Ford is in the hospital.

Gerald Ford, of course, is the only man to become president without being elected – other than George Bush.

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It's been really cold here in New York City.

It was so cold today that the coach of the Jets was actually glad to be on the hot seat.

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Over in Iraq they're getting ready for elections this week.

U.S. officials in Iraq say the Iraqis have a come a long way and should be able to rig this election all by themselves.

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U.S. officials say they believe Osama bin Laden is no longer in control of al Qaeda.

Apparently they say he can no longer communicate with his top aides because he's hiding in remote, undisclosed location – no, wait, I'm sorry, that's Dick Cheney.

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U.S. officials say they believe Osama bin Laden is no longer in control of al Qaeda.

Apparently sources say he didn't even help plan the al Qaeda holiday party.

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President Bush said this week that knowing what he knows now, he would still choose to invade Iraq.

That's not saying much since he doesn't know anything now.

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This week President Bush sent out 1.4 million White House Christmas cards.

That's right 1.4 million Christmas cards and one letter to Santa.

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This week President Bush sent out 1.4 million White House Christmas cards.

It's a lovely card that features the Bush twins doing shots.

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This week President Bush sent out 1.4 million White House Christmas cards.

He loves sending out Christmas cards but said his hand sure is sore from signing all those X's.

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The Giants and Jets say it's going to cost more than $1 billion dollars to replace Giants Stadium.

And that doesn't even include the costs of moving Jimmy Hoffa's body.

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The Giants and Jets say it's going to cost more than $1 billion dollars to replace Giants Stadium.

Gee, I just hope this affect the Jets ability to field a competitive team.

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FRIDAY: The movie “Brokeback Mountain” opened today

It's about two gay cowboys. What they do is each night they sit around the campfire and sing Broadway show tunes.

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FRIDAY: The movie “Brokeback Mountain” opened today

It's about two gay cowboys. What they do is they roam around the countryside giving queer makeovers.

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FRIDAY: The new King Kong movie opened this week

In this version of the movie King Kong climbs the Empire State Building and gets knocked off by a giant M&M balloon.

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FRIDAY: The new King Kong movie opened this week

In the movie, King Kong is brought to New York City on a giant ship than driven into the city on the back of a flat bed truck. It's the same way Kirstie Alley comes to town.

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FRIDAY: For the new King Kong movie the producers recreated New York City exactly as it was in the 1930s.

Here's how realistic it is: in one street scene you can see a marquee in the background that says “Live on Stage – Joan Rivers.”

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FRIDAY: The new King Kong movie opened this week

In this version Kong finally meets his match: a New York City rat.

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You can really tell it's Christmas time here in New York City.

Down in Times Square the hookers are selling gift certificates.

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Michael Jackson's family is worried that he's acting strange.

How could they tell?

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Michael Jackson's family is worried that he's out of control.

I wonder where they got that idea?

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Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner recently had a baby girl.

I believe this is the biggest thing to come into Ben's life since Jennifer Lopez's ass.

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There's a rumor that President Bush's daughter Barbara Bush may be engaged because she was seen wearing a ring on her left hand.

The rumors may be true because she was also seen registering at Anheuser-Busch.

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President Bush's daughter Barbara Bush has been seen wearing a ring on her left hand.

Apparently it's not an engagement ring – it's just a tab from a beer can.

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President Bush's daughter Barbara Bush has been seen wearing a ring on her left hand.

The White House is denying that she's engaged so you know what that means – she's definitely engaged.

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Fidel Castro recently called Jeb Bush President Bush's fat little brother.

That's kind of mean – he can't help it if he's George Bush's brother.

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Martha Stewart's show “Martha” has been renewed for another season.

It's good to see she's finally learned an honest trade.

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Oprah is on tonight's show.

It was so exciting; before the show I went up to Oprah's dressing room and I was able to shake her hand and give her a kiss on the cheek before her security people wrestled me to the ground.

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Oprah is on tonight's show.

I was so nervous before the show about seeing Oprah that I spent an hour picking out a toupee.

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Oprah is on tonight's show.

Oprah's so gracious that not only is she on the show for the first time in 16 years, but she's also agreed to lift the restraining order against me.

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Oprah is on tonight's show.

Oprah only said yes after months of begging and back and forth negotiations – it's the same process I go through to have sex.

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Oprah is on tonight's show for the first time in 16 years.

This could be really awkward. How do I tell her about me and Martha?

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The Department of Homeland Security says it will now allow airline passengers to bring small scissors and tools onto planes.

Sure, why not? There's not much terrorist activity around the world these days.

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Celebrity birthdays: Woody Allen turns 70 today.

His wife got him a nice card that reads “Happy Birthday Dad.”

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Donald Trump is launching his own line of vodka.

They say it's so strong that after a few drinks you'll actually enjoy his Christmas CD with Regis.

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Down in Washington yesterday they officially unveiled the White House Christmas tree.

It wasn't much of a surprise since the decorations had already been leaked.

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Doctors in France have performed the first partial face transplant on a woman.

The doctors say the operation was a success and that Cher should be out of the hospital in no time.

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