Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show
From
July 2003 until
October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the
LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN.
I wrote and submitted about
10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used.
But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get
paid for it!
Dave is one of my top two
all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It
never, ever got old.
This section displays
all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is).
Use the
archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the
search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.
Jokes highlighted in
bold were
used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention.
You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by
Jay and
Carson and
Jimmy) on my
Late Night Jokes page.
Enjoy!
November 30, 2005.
Web Posted at: 10:50 am UTC
Oprah is on the show tomorrow night and right now I feel excited, my heart is racing, and I'm short of breath – that's right, I may be having another heart attack.
President Bush has released a 38-page document called “Our National Strategy for Victory in Iraq.”
I believe this is his first piece of fiction.
President Bush says he has a plan for winning the war in Iraq.
Step one: write a letter to Santa.
Earlier today in Rockefeller Center they lit the big Christmas tree.
It's always a lot of work getting that big tree ready. It takes a team of ten guys just to untangle the ball of lights.
Earlier today in Rockefeller Center they lit the big Christmas tree.
I thought this was odd: when they turned on the juice three environmentalists fell out of the tree.
Celebrity birthdays: Dick Clark turns 76 today.
Boy you'd never know it looking at him – you know, that he's still alive.
Good news for Nick Lachey: he didn't sign a prenup with Jessica Simpson, meaning he gets half of her money.
That's unusual – she's normally a pretty sharp cookie.
FOX has signed Simon Cowell of “American Idol” to a new deal for five years and $50 million.
I believe it's the biggest deal a network has given to an obnoxious, self-centered prima donna since CBS signed me.
Nick Lachey is going to star in a new TV series in which he plays a newlywed.
I believe this will be his second made for TV marriage.
The Rolling Stones will play during half-time of the Super Bowl in February.
The only thing liable to pop out during that show is a hip out of its socket.
The Rolling Stones will play during half-time of the Super Bowl in February.
The only drugs they're liable to be caught with during that show are Lipitor and Viagra.
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November 29, 2005.
Web Posted at: 11:40 am UTC
Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are getting divorced.
Apparently they had a problem with communication – she couldn't spell.
President Bush says he's going to start cracking down on illegal immigration.
Apparently the only thing leakier than our borders is the White House.
The White House Christmas Tree officially arrived in Washington yesterday.
It arrived at the White House strapped to the top of a bullet proof limo.
The White House Christmas Tree officially arrived in Washington yesterday.
Naturally, now that the tree is in President Bush says he no plans for getting it out.
The Capitol Holiday Tree officially arrived at Congress yesterday.
Today Tom DeLay helped to decorate it by hanging up his indictments.
A piece of marble fell from the front of the Supreme Court yesterday.
Luckily, none of the justices were injured; at the last minute the whole court swung to the right.
Congratulations to Rod Stewart who just became a father again at the age of 60.
I sent him a card that read “Congratulations on ruining your retirement.”
Congratulations to Rod Stewart who just became a father again at the age of 60.
Somebody needs to tell that guy that he's not 55 anymore.
Star closer Billy Wagner has agreed to sign with the Mets.
The agreement is pending a physical – so he can have his head examined.
The American Heart Association has doubled the recommended number of chest compressions when giving CPR.
They say if everybody follows these new recommendations it will greatly increase the odds of Dick Cheney surviving a second term.
The American Heart Association has changed the recommended number of chest compressions when giving CPR.
Here's what they now recommend: for every two breaths, give 30 chest compressions – or as many as you can before the Secret Service pulls you off of Dick Cheney.
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November 28, 2005.
Web Posted at: 10:45 am UTC
MONDAY: Saddam Hussein was in court again today and witnesses say he was angry, uncooperative and argumentative.
He's being so difficult that the judge has asked the U.S. for advice from Martha Stewart's judge.
MONDAY: Saddam Hussein was in court again today.
Witnesses say he complained about having to walk up the stairs because the elevator was broken – no, wait, that was me.
MONDAY: Saddam Hussein has a new defense lawyer – former U.S. Attorney General Ramsey Clark.
His first choice was former U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno, but apparently they don't make burkhas in big and tall.
MONDAY: Saddam Hussein has a new defense lawyer – former U.S. Attorney General Ramsey Clark.
And if he does a good job for Saddam, Dick Cheney may hire him.
MONDAY: Two people were injured during last week's Thanksgiving Day parade when a giant balloon was blown into a street lamp in Times Square.
I believe that was the biggest thing to get blown in Times Square since Michael Moore was in town.
MONDAY: A giant M&M balloon was punctured by a street lamp during the Thanksgiving Day parade last week.
Two people suffered minor injuries and Star Jones was treated for depression.
MONDAY: A giant M&M balloon knocked over a street lamp during the Thanksgiving Day parade last week
Parade officials say 50 people on the ground were holding on to the M&M balloon and another 50 were keeping Star Jones away from it.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Our own Paul Shaffer turns 56 today.
After tonight's show we're having a little birthday party for Paul, and I'm really looking forward to making a token appearance.
MONDAY: Today is the busiest online shopping day of the year.
I did all my shopping online today – I got all of mom's presents from www.liqour.com.
FRIDAY: I don't like to talk about people when they're not here, but last night's audience was really unpleasant.
They got downright ugly when they realized Oprah wasn't going to be giving away any cars.
FRIDAY: Oprah was a guest on last night's show.
This morning I felt excited and a little embarrassed and I was wondering if I'll ever get to do it again. It's the same way I feel every time I'm done having sex.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Britney Spears turns 24 today.
She got so many gifts from her fans that today she lip-synced a big thank you.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Britney Spears turns 24 today.
24, that's amazing; seems like only yesterday she was a teenage skank.
Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey have officially split.
They say it was the age-old story – irreconcilable IQs.
Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey have officially split.
Se said she wants to devote more time to her career and he'd rather be with somebody who can actually spell “career.”
Former FEMA Director Michael Brown is starting his own disaster consulting firm.
The first disaster he'll be helping to recover from is his own career.
The Yankees have raised their ticket prices for next season.
They say it's necessary to ensure they can be in a good position to blow it every year.
The Yankees have raised their ticket prices for next season.
Hey, those broken down, over-priced free agents aren't going to pay for themselves.
Elton John announced that he's going to marry his longtime boyfriend.
I believe he's the first singer to marry a gay man since – Liza Minelli.
A passenger on a flight from Orlando to Washington, D.C. was arrested for urinating in the aisle during the flight.
Witnesses say the guy was being difficult, belligerent, and uncooperative. He's been charged with disorderly conduct and impersonating a flight attendant.
Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have released the first family photos of their new baby boy.
In the pictures you can see how completely helpless and dependent he is on Britney – and the baby's cute too.
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November 24, 2005.
Web Posted at: 10:30 am UTC
Mom is at our house for Thanksgiving.
First thing this morning I heard mom down in the kitchen making cranberry margaritas.
My mom has a special secret for keeping the turkey moist.
Every twenty minutes she bastes the turkey with whiskey.
President Bush is spending Thanksgiving at his ranch in Crawford.
It' a working vacation – he's got plenty of important issues that need ignoring.
President Bush is spending Thanksgiving at his ranch in Crawford.
His wife Laura made him his favorite dessert – blame pie.
President Bush celebrated Thanksgiving by doing a little hunting near his ranch in Texas.
It was a good day – he bagged three protestors.
Here in New York City today they had the annual Thanksgiving Day parade.
I turned the TV on this morning and saw one of those giant balloons filled with hot air and held by 20 people with strong ropes – no, I'm sorry, that was Star Jones.
A woman in Virginia set a new record by eating an entire roasted turkey in 12 minutes.
It's good to hear Kirstie Alley had a nice Thanksgiving.
Ruth Siems, the woman who invented Stove Top Stuffing, died last week at the age of 74.
Family members say she went fast – in under one minute.
Ruth Siems, the woman who invented Stove Top Stuffing, died last week at the age of 74.
She was cremated and then her ashes with mixed with water and boiled for one minute.
Celebrity news: Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey have separated.
Jessica made it official with a poorly spelled announcement.
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November 23, 2005.
Web Posted at: 11:15 am UTC
It's bear hunting in season in New Jersey.
Bear hunting in New Jersey is a little different. What you do is, you take the bear out to a nice restaurant, give him some wine, get him relaxed and then you pop him right between the eyes.
It's bear hunting in season in New Jersey.
Bear experts say there are more and more bears in New Jersey because Manhattan's just too expensive.
Today is the busiest travel day of the year.
It's so busy the airlines say they expect to have trouble just keeping up with the pilots drink orders.
Today is the busiest travel day of the year.
People will be angry, bitchy and short tempered – and those are just the flight attendants.
Yesterday in Washington President Bush pardoned the national turkey.
The turkey will now go to Disneyland for Thanksgiving. Coincidentally, so will President Bush.
Yesterday in Washington President Bush pardoned the national turkey.
When President Bush was told he could pardon a turkey for Thanksgiving his first choice was Scooter Libby.
Yesterday in Washington President Bush pardoned the national turkey.
President Bush always enjoys pardoning the turkey – it's the one official duty Dick Cheney lets him do by himself.
Every year at Thanksgiving President Bush pardons a turkey.
Interestingly when President Clinton was in office it was usually the gobbler who got him off.
Angelina Jolie has been granted Cambodian citizenship.
This means she's now legally entitled to break up marriages in Cambodia.
Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt say they are going to visit earthquake survivors in Pakistan.
I believe this will be the most rubble and devastation they've seen since – Brad's marriage.
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November 22, 2005.
Web Posted at: 11:15 am UTC
It's bear hunting season in New Jersey.
Bear hunting in New Jersey is a little different. Rather than shoot the bears, what they do is put the bear's feet in concrete and throw him in the river.
It's bear hunting season in New Jersey.
Officials always have trouble finding out who actually killed a bear because nobody ever sees anything.
Yesterday Dick Cheney gave a vigorous speech defending the Bush administration's Iraq policy.
Here's how vigorous it was: he went through three pacemakers.
Dick Cheney says that debate over the war in Iraq is healthy.
That means a lot because when you think healthy, you think Dick Cheney.
Tonight on ABC was Ted Koppel's last night as host of “Nightline.”
That means that, starting tomorrow, I will officially have the worst hair on television.
General Motors announced this week that they're cutting 30,000 jobs.
The good news is President Bush has a plan to replace those jobs. The bad news it involves invading Iran.
General Motors announced this week that they're cutting 30,000 jobs which they say will save $7 billion.
To put that into perspective, $7 billion will pay the salaries of 30,000 auto workers or two over-the-hill starting pitchers for the Yankees.
Members of Congress voted to give themselves each a $3,100 raise this week.
The bad news is that'll only cover about one tank of gas.
Members of Congress voted to give themselves each a $3,100 raise this week.
That's great because when you think of needy people, you think of Congress.
Members of Congress voted to give themselves each a $3,100 raise this week.
Out of habit Tom DeLay has already arranged to have his raise laundered.
A woman on a flight from Hong Kong to Australia this week was arrested for trying to open a door during the flight to smoke a cigarette.
When the pilot saw the woman he immediately put down his drink and wrestled her to the ground.
A woman on a flight from Hong Kong to Australia this week was arrested for trying to open a door during the flight to smoke a cigarette.
Apparently the pilot was so rattled by the whole thing that after she was subdued he had a stewardess make his drink a double.
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November 21, 2005.
Web Posted at: 10:45 am UTC
MONDAY: President Bush is back from his eight day trip to Asia.
That's good because the war in Iraq isn't going to bungle itself.
MONDAY: President Bush is back from his eight day trip to Asia.
This was an unusual trip for President Bush – he actually had an exit strategy.
MONDAY: President Bush is back from his eight day trip to Asia.
The trip was a big success – he got pirated DVDs for his whole family.
MONDAY: This weekend President Bush encouraged China to expand religious, political and social freedoms.
And he said if it works there, we'll try it here.
MONDAY: President Bush went mountain biking while he was in China.
Sure, why not? There really aren't too many pressing issues with China to tackle.
MONDAY: President Bush was in Mongolia earlier today.
President Bush said he's always had a strong respect for the Monogolian people – particularly their skill at invading other countries.
MONDAY: The Radio City Music Hall “Christmas Spectacular” finally returned yesterday after a labor dispute.
That's good because last week I saw a member of the Rockettes on a street corner with a sign that said “Will high-kick for food.”
FRIDAY: We had my whole family over to my house for Thanksgiving this year.
It was a big success – mom didn't take a swing at anyone.
FRIDAY: My mom cooked the turkey at my house for Thanksgiving.
God bless her, mom's getting a little old. This year in order to keep the turkey moist, every twenty minutes she basted the bird with Vaseline.
FRIDAY: Yesterday here in New York they had the big Thanksgiving Day parade.
It takes a team of people holding thick ropes to control one of those big balloons in the wind. It's the same way they keep Donald Trump's hair in place.
FRIDAY: Today I saw a sure sign that the Christmas season is here.
Down in Times Square I saw Santa Claus get arrested for propositioning an undercover police officer.
FRIDAY: Today I saw a sure sign that the Christmas season is here.
Earlier today out on Broadway I hailed a cab and before I could get in Santa Claus came out of nowhere and stole it.
FRIDAY: Today I saw a sure sign that the Christmas season is here.
I saw Paris Hilton carrying around an elf.
FRIDAY: The Christmas season is officially underway.
So, you know, good luck finding an elf.
Here in New York City there's a new art exhibit called “Bodies” where they've got 22 dead bodies on display.
I'm thinking if I want to see a bunch of lifeless bodies standing around doing nothing, I'll just go see the Knicks.
Here in New York City there's a new art exhibit called “Bodies” where they've got 22 dead bodies on display.
People here aren't too happy about it. Earlier today Joan Rivers accused them of stealing her act.
Parking meters in Manhattan are now accepting credit cards.
Here in New York you can pay for everything with a credit card. Earlier today the homeless guy outside the theater told me he takes Diner's Club.
Robert Blake was found guilty of his wife's murder by a California jury in a civil trial and ordered to pay her family $30 million.
So, basically, if you're a celebrity in California, murder is now a ticketable offense.
Camden, New Jersey has been named the country's most dangerous city.
Today Mayor Bloomberg said that if we all worked together, next year New York City can take the title back.
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November 17, 2005.
Web Posted at: 10:45 am UTC
Earlier today in South Korea President Bush insisted that North Korea give up its nuclear weapons program.
Warning to North Korea: you saw what the man did when he actually had to worry about being reelected.
The CIA says that Cuban President Fidel Castro has Parkinson's disease.
They he seems to be confused, disoriented, unable to speak clearly – no wait, that's President Bush
The CIA says that Cuban President Fidel Castro has Parkinson's disease and may not be able to fulfill his duties much longer.
I always knew he wouldn't last.
Former President Bill Clinton said this week that the U.S. made a big mistake when it invaded Iraq.
That's not surprising; we all know how much he loves pulling out.
NBC has cancelled “The Apprentice: Martha Stewart.”
I believe this is first time NBC has fired an egomaniacal prima donna since they got rid of me.
It's bear hunting season in New Jersey.
Officials say it's necessary in order to control the bear population on commuter trains.
New York City has approved tougher penalties for rowdy sports fans.
For example, if you're at a Knicks game and you cause trouble, they'll actually make you sit through the rest of the game.
A kindergarten student in Philadelphia was found carrying a bag of heroin.
Apparently teachers became suspicious when Courtney Love started hanging around the classroom.
People magazine has named Matthew McConaughey the sexiest man alive.
I'm proud to say that I made the list, right between Dick Cheney and Janet Reno.
A tortoise down in Australia turned 175 this week.
Apparently tortoise is Australian for Dick Clark.
A tortoise down in Australia turned 175 this week.
They say she's the world's oldest living animal – other than certain parts of Joan Rivers.
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November 16, 2005.
Web Posted at: 11:40 am UTC
President Bush was in South Korea today as part of his big Asia trip.
Earlier today he met with South Korean President Roh Moo-hyun – or, as President Bush calls him, “Moosie.”
President Bush was in South Korea today as part of his big Asia trip.
So I guess for one day Kim Jong Il isn't the only crazed dictator in Korea.
President Bush was in Asia this week and earlier today he said that Taiwan is a model of freedom.
He said he's hoping to find out what their secret is.
Down in Washington they've started confirmation hearings for the new Chairman of the Fed Ben Bernanke.
You can tell he's feeling confident about being confirmed. Today he vowed to do all he can to overturn Roe v. Wade.
Vice President Dick Cheney was heckled by peace protesters during a speech in Tennessee yesterday.
That's surprising because he's usually so charming.
Vice President Dick Cheney was heckled by peace protesters during a speech in Tennessee yesterday.
The good news is none of the protestors were arrested. The bad news is they're all on their way to Iraq.
Major League Baseball has come up with a tougher steroid policy.
Here's the deal: for the first offense you get a 50-game suspension; for the second offense you get a 100-game suspension and for the third offense you get a multi-year deal with the Yankees.
Esquire magazine has named Bill Clinton “The Most Influential Man in the World.”
Clinton said he was surprised by the news. I believe this is the biggest thing to fall into his lap since – Monica.
Esquire magazine has named Bill Clinton “The Most Influential Man in the World.”
Clinton said he was surprised by the news. I believe he hasn't been this blown away by something since – Monica.
Last weekend in Dubai Michael Jackson was caught wearing a woman's head scarf and using a women's bathroom in a shopping mall.
It's good to hear he's living his normal life again.
The Post Office is raising the price of a stamp to 39 cents starting in January.
That means people should start receiving the first letters with the new stamps sometime in February.
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November 15, 2005.
Web Posted at: 11:45 am UTC
President Bush is on an eight-day trip to Asia this week that includes visits to Japan, South Korea and China.
Apparently he wants to see where all of America's jobs have gone.
President Bush is on an eight-day trip to Asia this week.
While he's in Asia, Vice President Cheney will be in charge of everything at the White House. In other words, it'll be business as usual.
President Bush was in Japan today as part of his big Asian trip.
He says he feels right at home – nobody there can understand what the hell he's talking about either.
President Bush said he's particularly looking forward to going to China.
He's excited to finally meet General Gao.
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has helped broker a deal between the Palestinians and Israelis to open the Gaza border.
Next up she's going to try to broker a deal between the Terrell Owens and the Eagles.
A woman in Iowa opened up a can of coffee and found a dead turtle.
Folger's say it was a simple mistake – somebody forgot to punch holes in the can.
A car bomb exploded near a KFC in Karachi, Pakistan earlier today.
Three people inside were killed and 12 others were treated for extreme indigestion.
Congratulations to Alex Rodriguez for winning the Most Valuable Player award.
There's no question about it: if it weren't for A-Rod this year the Yankees definitely wouldn't have blown it.
Osama bin Laden's brother is under investigation in France for money laundering.
This is the kind of thing that could give the bin Laden family a bad name.
Osama bin Laden's brother is under investigation in France for money laundering.
I believe his name is DeLay bin Laden.
Earlier tonight at Madison Square Garden they had the big Country Music Awards show.
I haven't seen a bunch of guys at the Garden look more uncomfortable and out-of-place since the last Knicks game.
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November 14, 2005.
Web Posted at: 10:30 am UTC
MONDAY: This past weekend was Veteran's Day weekend.
My mom was in town for Veterans Day and every year the same thing happens: she gets loaded and wants to go down to Times Square to make out with sailors.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice turns 57 today.
President Bush was going to have a surprise party for her but the information got leaked.
MONDAY: They had the Vibe Awards in California this weekend and there was no violence.
President Bush said this proves we're winning the war on hip-hop.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Tonya Harding turned 35 over the weekend.
Her friends say she may be 35 but she can still punch like a 25 year old.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Britain's Prince Charles turns 57 today.
He spent the day riding his horse. I guess it went well because Camilla said it was the best sex she's ever had.
MONDAY: Donald Trump's son Donald Trump Jr. was married over the weekend.
Apparently the bride's parents both started to cry when she signed the prenup.
FRIDAY: The new Harry Potter movie opened today.
It's called “Harry Potter and the Hormones of Fire.”
FRIDAY: The new Harry Potter movie opened today.
Down in Times Square the hookers are offering a Harry Potter special – for an extra $5 they'll polish your wand.
FRIDAY: The new Harry Potter movie opened today.
In this movie you can tell Harry's really growing up – he's actually too old to have sex with his teachers.
FRIDAY: Everybody here in New York City has Harry Potter fever.
Earlier today on my way to work there was a naked guy on the subway playing with his wand.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Mickey Mouse turns 77 today.
If you think about it, Mickey Mouse is really a typical American- he still has to work at 77.
Here in New York City they recently introduced the first hybrid cabs.
Apparently cabbies like them – the new cabs got the official al Qaeda seal of approval.
Florida Gov. Jeb Bush says that he won't run for president in 2008.
However, he says he hasn't ruled out stealing a presidential election sometime after that.
Jesse Jackson says he thinks that Terrell Owens' punishment is too severe.
That's interesting because when I first heard that Terrell Owens was suspended I thought “Gee, I wonder what Jesse Jackson thinks about this?”
NBC says there won't be any more seasons of “The Apprentice: Martha Stewart” after this season.
Poor Martha – she just can't make an honest buck.
The president of Iraq says that he thinks that coalition troops will leave the country by the end of 2006.
I believe that will also be about the same time he's leaving the country.
Joe DiMaggio's uniform from his rookie year with the Yankees is being auctioned.
It's expected to sell for at least $600,000. I believe that would be the most anybody has paid for a useless Yankees uniform since they signed Jason Giambi.
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November 10, 2005.
Web Posted at: 10:40 am UTC
Today over at Rockefeller Center they put up the annual Christmas tree, a 74-foot-tall spruce.
I believe it's the tallest piece of deadwood to come to New York since the Yankees signed Randy Johnson.
Today over at Rockefeller Center they put up the annual Christmas tree, a 74-foot-tall spruce.
Now comes the hard part: untangling the world's largest ball of Christmas tree lights.
Yesterday at the White House President Bush presented Muhammad Ali with the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
It was kind of sad to see him mumbling and looking so confused and unsure of himself – and Muhammad Ali didn't look too good either.
This week in Washington the Senate has been grilling oil executives about price gouging.
One of the oil executives really got kind of testy but you can't blame him – Dick Cheney's had a tough year.
There are rumors that the Jets are interested in getting Terrell Owens.
I'm thinking forget T.O.; how about we get some of those Carolina Panther cheerleaders?
Last weekend in Florida two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders were arrested for having sex in a public bathroom.
This is the kind of thing that could give cheerleaders a sleazy reputation.
Nickelodeon announced this week that they've ordered 20 new episodes of “SpongeBob SquarePants.”
Finally, some good news for President Bush.
Michael Jackson's father says that Michael will not live in America again.
No word on whether Michael ever plans to return to planet Earth.
Celebrity birthdays: Demi Moore turns 43 today.
She started the celebrations by picking Ashton Kutcher up early from school.
A new study out finds that the number of sex scenes on TV has doubled in recent years.
The good news is the number of sex scenes on TV involving Andy Rooney are going down.
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November 9, 2005.
Web Posted at: 11:22 am UTC
Here in New York City Mayor Bloomberg was easily reelected yesterday.
Today President Bush said this proves we're winning the war on Democrats.
Here in New York City Mayor Bloomberg was easily reelected yesterday.
He made some pretty crazy campaign promises, like the one about fixing what's wrong with the Knicks.
Over in France the rioting is still going on and offers of help are coming from all over.
Earlier today the Germans offered to come in and take control of Paris.
Over in France the rioting is still going on and offers of help are coming from all over.
Earlier today President Bush called and offered to help bungle the government's response.
Over in France the rioting is still going on.
In an effort to restore order the French government has sent in their meanest, nastiest troops – waiters.
White House sources say that the relationship between President Bush and Dick Cheney has become more distant.
Aides are saying it's been months now since President Bush performed CPR on Cheney.
White House sources say that the relationship between President Bush and Dick Cheney has become more distant.
Apparently there are fewer and fewer meetings where Cheney is including President Bush.
Kirstie Alley said on Oprah that she wants to lose more weight.
In response, McDonald's has already reduced their fourth quarter profit estimates.
Britney Spears' husband Kevin Federline has released his own rap CD.
He's pretty serious about this; Britney's even teaching him how to lip sync.
Britney Spears' husband Kevin Federline has released his own rap CD.
I don't know if he can rap but he sure has one part of being a rapper down: the ho.
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November 8, 2005.
Web Posted at: 11:40 am UTC
Today was Election Day here in New York City.
Here's how confident Mayor Bloomberg was about being reelected. Earlier tonight he was on his balcony shooting a gun into the air.
Today I saw a sure sign it was Election Day here in New York City.
Down in Times Square there were lots of guys polling the hookers.
Celebrity birthdays: Morley Safer turns 74 today.
Or, as they call him over at “60 Minutes,” The Kid.
Celebrity birthdays: Morley Safer turns 74 today.
His friends at “60 Minutes” held a party for him and had a woman jump out of Andy Rooney's eyebrows.
Over in Iraq they're turning one of Saddam Hussein's old palaces into an amusement park.
It's going to be called “Six Flags Tikrit.”
Over in Iraq they're turning one of Saddam Hussein's old palaces into an amusement park.
Well, that should really bring in the tourists.
Apparently here in New York City the high schools don't have enough condoms for their students.
Here's how bad it is: they're saying that for the rest of the school year the teachers will have to supply their own condoms.
Sylvester Stallone recently announced he's going to star in Rambo IV.
In this movie he goes to war to lower prescription drug costs.
The Philadelphia Eagles have suspended Terrell Owens for the rest of this season.
Apparently they're not happy with him so they told him to not bothering showing up to games anymore. When they heard the news the New York Jets said “You can do that?”
Pete Rose, Jr. has pleaded guilty to distributing steroids.
The good news is he didn't bring any more shame to his family.
Pete Rose, Jr. has pleaded guilty to distributing steroids when he was playing minor league baseball.
Apparently he couldn't cheat as well as his dad, either.
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November 7, 2005.
Web Posted at: 10:50 am UTC
MONDAY: Yesterday tens of thousands of people were in town for the New York City marathon.
That means that this morning across the city there are thousands of people with sore backs, tender muscles, and no energy – and those are just the hookers.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Art Garfunkel turned 64 over the weekend.
He celebrated with just a few close friends and family members which, coincidentally, was also the largest crowd he's been in front of in years.
FRIDAY: Happy Veterans Day!
President Bush said he spent the day attending several military events, though nobody can actually remember seeing him there.
FRIDAY: Donald Trump's son, Donald Jr., is getting married this weekend.
It's going to be a big event. Donald Sr. has hired a team of craftsmen to make it as big and as ostentatious as possible – and that's just his hair.
FRIDAY: Donald Trump's son, Donald Jr., is getting married this weekend.
I thought this was nice: during the ceremony Donald Jr. will be wearing his dad's old hair.
President Bush has announced his plan to prepare the country for a possible avian flu epidemic.
His plan involves spending billions of dollars stockpiling NyQuil.
President Bush has announced his plan to prepare the country for a possible avian flu epidemic.
Step one of the plan: invade Iran.
President Bush has announced his plan to prepare the country for a possible avian flu epidemic.
Apparently he's already identified all of his scapegoats.
President Bush is asking Congress for $7 billion to prepare the country for a potential outbreak of the avian flu.
Just to put that in perspective, that's almost as much as we spend annually on Dick Cheney's health care.
President Bush is asking Congress for $7 billion to prepare the country for a potential outbreak of the avian flu.
More good news for Halliburton shareholders.
Last week in the Senate Democrats demanded a closed session so they could discuss pre-Iraq war intelligence.
Republicans weren't too happy about it because during a closed session the following things are barred from the chamber: cameras, members of the public and illegal money laundering.
President Bush has nominated Judge Samuel Alito for the U.S. Supreme Court.
Finally, somebody on the court who can represent the interests of conservative, white guys.
President Bush has nominated Judge Samuel Alito for the U.S. Supreme Court.
Apparently Alito is acceptable to the right wing because he has just the right combination of hate and intolerance.
President Bush has nominated Judge Samuel Alito for the U.S. Supreme Court.
He went out on a limb on this one – he picked somebody who has never bailed him out of a drunken driving charge.
The Democrats say they're ready to put up a fight over Judge Alito's nomination.
You know what that means – he's as good as in.
Muslim youths have been rioting in France since last week.
French authorities say it could be worse – they could be German youths.
Muslim youths have been rioting in France since last week.
The French have sent in the riot police to restore calm because, really, nothing says “law and order” like French guys with guns.
Saddam Hussein reportedly accepted an offer of exile during a meeting of the Arab League just before the invasion of Iraq in 2003.
Apparently the deal was he would've been allowed to live out his life quietly in a spider hole of his choice.
The Michelin guidebook has produced it's first ever rankings of New York restaurants.
I'm not sure if this is good or bad but Rupert Jee's “Hello Deli” got a three rat rating.
Prince Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles visited the White House last week.
President Bush and Prince Charles have a lot in common; for example, each one is a just a figurehead leader with no real authority.
Prince Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles visited the White House last week.
It's always a big deal when a crowned prince meets with the Prince of Wales.
Former NHL coach Jacques Demers admitted last week that he's illiterate.
I'm thinking, what's the big deal? We've already got an illiterate guy four our president.
China says they're planning to put a man on the moon by 2017.
And they say if they get their later than that they'll take 15% off.
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