Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show
From
July 2003 until
October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the
LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN.
I wrote and submitted about
10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used.
But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get
paid for it!
Dave is one of my top two
all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It
never, ever got old.
This section displays
all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is).
Use the
archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the
search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.
Jokes highlighted in
bold were
used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention.
You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by
Jay and
Carson and
Jimmy) on my
Late Night Jokes page.
Enjoy!
October 27, 2005.
Web Posted at: 10:35 am UTC
Down in Washington D.C. the Harriet Miers confirmation hearings begin next week.
She'll be facing tough, hostile questions from the opposition – and the Democrats will be hard on her too.
Down in Washington D.C. the Harriet Miers confirmation hearings begin next week.
I believe she'll be the first member of the Bush Administration to answer questions without being under indictment.
Here in New York City we're getting ready for the mayoral election next week.
Mayor Bloomberg is so far ahead in the polls that earlier today he called Florida Governor Jeb Bush and cancelled his order for rigged voting machines.
The New York City Marathon is this weekend and today I saw a sure sign it's marathon time here in New York.
Earlier today I saw a bunch of Kenyans running through Central Park yelling “Help! Police!”
The New York City Marathon is this weekend and today I saw a sure sign it's marathon time here in New York.
I saw a bunch of Kenyans standing around a street vendor splitting a hot dog bun.
Good news: Here in New York smoking is at an all time low.
You can really tell that everyone in New York is trying to quit smoking. Earlier today in Central Park I saw a rat wearing a nicotine patch.
Wal-Mart says they're going to discourage unhealthy people from applying for jobs.
That makes sense because when I think of healthy, fit people, I think of Wal-Mart employees.
A 7-foot tall Great Dane in California has been named the world's tallest dog.
I believe the only other dogs that are 7 feet tall are the Knicks
McDonald's says that they're going to start printing nutrition facts on their food packaging.
That makes sense because if there's one group of people that are health conscious, it's McDonald's customers.
McDonald's says that they're going to start printing nutrition facts on their food packaging.
For example, on Big Mac wrappers they're going put a picture of a defibrillator.
Scientists in London announced this week that they've discovered that King Tut drank red wine.
What they did was they took one of the ancient bottles that was found in his tomb and they asked Joan Rivers what was in it.
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October 26, 2005.
Web Posted at: 11:30 am UTC
Regis Philbin and Donald Trump have recorded an album of Christmas music.
Be sure to order your copy now so you can get your money back in time for Christmas.
Regis Philbin and Donald Trump have recorded an album of Christmas music.
They said they really wanted to make an album for all the suckers out there.
Celebrity birthdays: Hillary Clinton turns 58 today.
I thought this was thoughtful; in honor of Hillary's birthday Bill cancelled his date for tonight.
Celebrity birthdays: Hillary Clinton turns 58 today.
Bill surprised her with a gift certificate to the Men's Wearhouse.
Celebrity birthdays: Hillary Clinton turns 58 today.
Bill took her out for a nice dinner and she got all dolled up in her sexiest pants suit.
Tonya Harding's boyfriend was arrested this week for beating her up.
He's been ordered to stay away from Tonya, avoid alcohol and to get his eyes checked.
Tonya Harding's boyfriend was arrested this week for beating her up.
The bad news is he's been charged with assault. The good news is she's already agreed to give him a rematch.
Tonya Harding's boyfriend was arrested this week for beating her up.
He said alcohol was to blame – there's no way he'd be her boyfriend if he was sober.
Tonya Harding's boyfriend was arrested this week for beating her up.
He said it never should have happened – she's way out of his weight class.
This week in London Prince Charles's wife Camilla wore a royal tiara for the first time.
I believe this is the first time in their relationship that she got to be the queen.
Ashlee Simpson has the number one album this week.
She was so excited she couldn't wait to run home and lip-sync the news to her parents.
Ashlee Simpson's new album “I Am Me” debuted at number one this week.
Her sister Jessica was confused when she heard the news; she said “No, I'M me!”
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October 25, 2005.
Web Posted at: 8:50 am UTC
Officials in Iraq said today that the new constitution has been approved.
I believe the next step now in establishing an American-style democracy is to appoint some unqualified Supreme Court judges.
Here in New York City this has officially been the rainiest October ever.
Here's how much rain we've been having: earlier today in Times Square city workers were putting sandbags around the hookers.
Yesterday President Bush nominated Ben Bernanke to be the next Chairman of the Federal Reserve.
Experts say he's an unusual choice for President Bush – he's actually qualified.
Yesterday President Bush nominated Ben Bernanke to be the next Chairman of the Federal Reserve.
Aides say President Bush chose Bernanke after carefully considering a number of highly unqualified candidates.
Experts say Bernanke is highly qualified to be Chairman of the Federal Reserve and should have no trouble being confirmed by the Senate.
You know what that means – Vice President Cheney picked him.
President Bush said one reason he picked Ben Bernanke was because he uses “simple language.”
In other words he speaks the president's language.
President Bush says that he will not release any documents from Harriet Miers's time as White House counsel.
He says he doesn't want to violate president-crony confidentiality.
White House insiders say that President Bush is frustrated, angry and bitter.
That's right – he's drinking again.
If you think about it, it has been a rough year for President Bush.
Iraq is still a mess, Harriet Miers may not get confirmed and then there was the whole Gilligan dying thing.
White House insiders say that President Bush is unhappy over the way his second term is going.
In an effort to cheer himself up, he's planning to head down to Texas to get away from it all and take in a few executions.
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October 24, 2005.
Web Posted at: 10:45 am UTC
MONDAY: Hurricane Wilma hit Florida earlier today.
Finally, a disaster President Bush can relate to – one named after a cartoon character.
MONDAY: This weekend here in New York they had the World Sumo Challenge.
They had 24 sumo wrestlers at Madison Square Garden. I believe that was the most weight the Garden floor has supported since Kirstie Alley had floor seats to the Knicks.
MONDAY: This weekend here in New York they had the World Sumo Challenge.
It was a big deal and the whole city is still recovering from it – especially the hookers.
MONDAY: Here in New York City this has officially been the rainiest October ever.
Here's how wet it's been; the police are complaining that the rain keeps washing away their chalk outlines.
MONDAY: Police in Washington D.C. blew up a suspicious package in a car parked near the Capitol on Friday.
Luckily it turned out to be nothing but, just to be safe, they evacuated all of the people who were in the building indicting Tom DeLay.
MONDAY: The Chicago White Sox are up two games to none over the Houston Astros in the World Series.
People in Chicago haven't been this excited since Oprah was giving away cars.
MONDAY: The Chicago White Sox are up two games to none over the Houston Astros in the World Series.
Everybody in Chicago has baseball fever. Earlier today Oprah gave everyone in her audience free steroids.
11/4: Down in Washington D.C. the White House is busy getting Harret Miers ready for her confirmation hearings next week.
They're really putting her through her paces; earlier today she learned about the three branches of government.
11/4: The New York City Marathon is this coming Sunday.
Race organizers are expecting over 35,000 people to urinate in the streets.
11/4: Every few miles along the marathon route they have Entertainment Zones.
For example at mile 5 they'll have free music; at mile 18 they'll have free dancing; and at the end of the race they'll have free hookers.
11/4: Here in New York City we're getting ready for the mayoral election next week.
You can tell Mayor Bloomberg is feeling pretty cocky about his chances; earlier today he was out courting the hooker vote.
11/4: "Chicken Little" officially opened today.
It's got all the classic characters: Chicken Little, the Fish Out of Water, the Bitchy Secretary of State...
11/4: Celebrity birthdays: P Diddy turns 36 today.
For his party his friends hired a girl to jump out of Jennifer Lopez's ass.
Michael Jackson was recently called to jury duty in California.
The good news is he was excused because they already had enough white women on the jury.
Michael Jackson's lawyer says that Michael is no longer a resident of the United States
Forget the United States; I'm thinking the guy isn't even a resident of this planet.
Over in England Prince William has joined the army.
His brother Prince Harry has joined the military too – the Brown Shirts.
Over in England Prince William has been accepted at the military academy in Sandhurst.
I believe he's the first member of the royal family to enter something that old and tough since Prince Charles hooked up with Camilla.
Congress passed a bill last week protecting gun manufacturers from lawsuits brought by people shot during the commission of a crime.
President Bush has said he's looking forward to signing the bill into law by putting his 'X' on it.
Department of Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff has vowed to catch and return all illegal aliens in the U.S.
However, the Bush Administration isn't totally heartless; they've already promised new tax deductions for lawn care expenses.
The Senate has refused to raise the minimum wage from its current level of $5.15 an hour.
Republicans say there are other ways to give unqualified people better jobs – like by being President Bush's crony.
Republican Senator Judd Gregg won $850,000 in the Powerball lottery.
With the win he's now moved past Tom DeLay on this year's money list.
Republican Senator Judd Gregg won $850,000 in the Powerball lottery.
I thought this was nice; Tom DeLay called and offered to launder the money for him.
Here in New York City they're adding a number of gourmet food carts.
You can really tell that street vendors are getting more upscale. Earlier today I tried to buy lunch at a food cart and they refused to serve me.
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October 20, 2005.
Web Posted at: 9:00 am UTC
Saddam Hussein's lawyers were able to have his trial postponed until November 28.
This means his lawyers will have more time to prepare for his trial and Saddam won't miss any of sweeps month.
Saddam Hussein was in court earlier this week and witnesses say he was defiant and combative and he kept insisting he was still in charge – no, wait, I'm sorry, that was Tom DeLay.
An arrest warrant was issued yesterday for Tom DeLay.
Bail is expected to be set at $10,000, which his layers say he won't have any trouble laundering.
U.S. forces in Iraq captured al Qaeda's barber.
He was known as “Conditioner Ali.”
U.S. forces in Iraq captured al Qaeda's barber.
U.S. officials say he helped other members of al Qaeda escape capture by giving them queer makeovers.
Over in Iraq yesterday they arrested Saddam Hussein's nephew.
They found him hiding in one of the family spider holes.
Celebrity birthdays: Snoop Dogg turns 33 today.
I thought this was nice: his friends hired a girl to jump out of a big fashizzle.
Down in Florida they're getting ready for Hurricane Wilma.
Hurricane Wilma is so strong they're saying it could be the biggest disaster to hit Florida since the 2000 election.
Down in Florida they're getting ready for Hurricane Wilma.
Hurricane Wilma is so strong they're saying it could be the strongest thing to land on Florida's shores since Janet Reno.
Yesterday at the White House President Bush met with Bono, the lead singer of U2.
Aides say they had a lively, who's-on-first-like discussion.
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October 19, 2005.
Web Posted at: 11:30 am UTC
Over in Iraq earlier today Saddam Hussein's was in court for the beginning of his trial.
He looked pretty good; apparently they had that al Qaeda barber give him a makeover.
Saddam Hussein has some pretty good lawyers.
They've already negotiated the maximum punishment down to five months in prison and five months of home confinement on his farm estate.
Saddam Hussein's lawyers say they need more time to prepare because they're not sufficiently experienced in international law.
I believe they're the most unqualified lawyers since – Harriet Miers.
U.S. forces in Iraq have captured al Qaeda's barber.
He's being charged with crimes against fashion.
U.S. forces in Iraq have captured al Qaeda's barber.
He's currently being interrogated by the guys from “Queer Eye.”
China said this week that they're planning a spacewalk in 2007.
They figure it'll take them that long to develop a wok that'll work in space.
Down at the National Zoo in Washington D.C. this week they officially named a giant panda cub that was born several months ago, Tai Shan.
I believe there hasn't been this much attention over someone being named in Washington since Tom DeLay was indicted.
The NBA is now requiring its players to wear business casual attire.
The players around too thrilled because buying all those new clothes could be a real financial burden.
The NBA is now requiring its players to wear business casual attire.
Earlier tonight I saw one of the Knicks get faked out of his Dockers.
Earlier tonight they held the Powerball lottery, which had a jackpot of $340 million.
I believe that's the biggest pile of cash that somebody has been paid for doing nothing since – Alex Rodriguez.
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October 18, 2005.
Web Posted at: 11:35 am UTC
Iraqi election officials are investigating allegations of voting irregularities in last weekend's constitutional vote.
Finally, they've got a Western style democracy.
Iraqi election officials are investigating allegations of voting irregularities in last weekend's constitutional vote.
Apparently there were an unusually high number of votes from Broward and Dade counties.
Good news: the FBI says violent crime in the U.S. was down last year.
You can tell violent crime is down; it's been months since California has acquitted a celebrity.
President Bush has mixed emotions about the drop in violent crime.
You know, fewer murders mean fewer executions.
Good news: here in New York City we're on pace to have our fewest number of murders since 1962.
The only people getting killed in New York these days are the Knicks.
Good news: here in New York City we're on pace to have our fewest number of murders since 1962.
The bad news is earlier today the city had to lay off five more chalk outline guys
Good news: here in New York City we're on pace to have our fewest number of murders since 1962.
Earlier today Mayor Bloomberg said that the quantity is down but the quality is as high as ever.
I can really tell that the murder rate is down in New York.
Earlier today I saw a guy on the street holding a sign that said “Will outline bodies for food.”
Ted Kennedy tried to rescue six men in the water off of Cape Cod last weekend.
So, for once having his pants off in public actually paid off.
Ted Kennedy tried to rescue six men in the water off of Cape Cod last weekend.
The good news is the men were rescued. The bad news is Ted accidentally beached himself.
ABC News announced this week that they will replace Ted Koppel as host of “Nightline” with three people.
I believe the only other person on TV that's the equivalent of three people is Kirstie Alley
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October 17, 2005.
Web Posted at: 10:45 am UTC
MONDAY: Over in Iraq this weekend they ratified a new constitution.
Well, I guess our work there is done.
MONDAY: Over in Iraq this weekend they voted on a new constitution.
The results still aren't in because they only used paper ballots, which take a lot longer to rig.
MONDAY: Over in Iraq this weekend they voted on a new constitution.
The results aren't in yet but CBS is already projecting George Bush as the winner.
MONDAY: Those two Chinese astronauts landed safely yesterday.
During their five days in space they orbited the earth 70 times, traveled more than 1.9 million miles and made ten deliveries to the space station.
MONDAY: The Chinese say they've spent $2.3 billion on their manned space program.
This proves they're a superpower because only a superpower could waste that kind of money.
FRIDAY: Earlier tonight here on CBS they had that new show “The Ghost Whisperer.” It's about a woman who helps the dead.
In this week's episode she tries to help the Jets offense.
FRIDAY: Earlier tonight here on CBS they had that new show “The Ghost Whisperer.” It's about a woman who talks to dead people.
I'm thinking if I want to see somebody talking to a bunch of dead people I'll just watch “60 Minutes.”
U.S. forces in Iraq have captured al Qaeda's barber.
Apparently they got him during a raid on the Baghdad Supercuts.
U.S. forces in Iraq have captured al Qaeda's barber.
President Bush said this proves we're the winning war against proper grooming.
U.S. forces in Iraq have captured al Qaeda's barber.
Good luck trying to win a terror war with unkempt hair.
U.S. officials say the al Qaeda barber has already provided us with valuable information about Osama bin Laden.
For example, one thing we've learned is that Osama likes it short on the sides and longer on top.
U.S. officials say the al Qaeda barber has already provided us with valuable information.
Officials say with the information this guy has provided they now have a complete picture of al Qaeda's entire hair care infrastructure.
Bad news: the bird flu was officially found in Turkey last week.
In response President Bush said, just to be safe, this Thanksgiving he's switching to ham.
Mary-Kate Olsen has dropped out of NYU.
Apparently she said she just wasn't comfortable around all those people who ate.
President Bush had a televised videoconference call with troops in Iraq the other day, which the White House later admitted was scripted.
The good news is it was the first military commitment President Bush has ever fulfilled.
In Arkansas this week a 39-year-old woman gave birth to her 16th child, and she says still wants more children.
So much for the theory of intelligent design.
Here in New York City we have a big rat problem; we've got lots of rats and they're big.
To give you an idea of how big the rats are here, over in Central Park today I saw a pest control guy setting a rat trap and for bait he used a poodle.
Here in New York City we have a big rat problem.
Experts say we have over 20 million rats, that they're crawling with disease and that they're on every street corner – no, I'm sorry, those are the hookers.
Madonna says in a new interview that she won't let either of kids watch television.
You can't blame her – you never know when one of her old movies is going to be on.
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October 13, 2005.
Web Posted at: 10:40 am UTC
Today is Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement.
Down in Times Square the hookers are having their annual Yom Kippur special: half price after sundown.
Today I saw a sure sign it's Yom Kippur.
On the way to work my cab driver was wearing a yarmulke on his turban.
It's been raining like crazy here in New York City.
It was raining so hard today I actually saw a rat wearing a poncho.
It's been raining like crazy here in New York City.
It was raining so hard today my cab driver was wearing a waterproof turban.
Syria's President Bashar Al-Assad said this week that President Bush should rethink his Iraq policy.
Rethink it? How about just “think it”?
Syria's President Bashar Al-Assad said this week that President Bush should rethink his Iraq policy.
Interestingly, Bashar Al-Assad has a lot in common with President Bush – they were each appointed to their job by their father.
President Bush says that one reason he nominated Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court were her Christian beliefs.
Sounds like she's more qualified to be the pope than a Supreme Court justice.
Martha Stewart announced this week that she's going to design her own line of new homes.
She says the designs are inspired by her time in prison – each home comes with a communal shower and an exercise yard.
This week China successfully launched two more astronauts into space.
The Chinese space program is going so well that earlier today President Bush announced that he's outsourcing our space program to China.
China says their two astronauts that are currently orbiting the Earth have over 50 varieties of food on their ship.
In fact earlier today the crew on the International Space Station ordered some mu shu pork and wonton soup.
Earlier this week on Lifetime they had the Marta Stewart movie, “Martha Behind Bars.”
My favorite part of the movie was when Martha takes a leg from her prison bed and fashions it into a crude shrimp fork.
FOX announced yesterday that they've cancelled Paris Hilton's show “The Simple Life”.
Gee, I just hope Paris Hilton can land on her feet.
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October 12, 2005.
Web Posted at: 11:30 am UTC
Just a reminder for all you tourists coming to New York City in the next few weeks: this month is Ramadan so the cabs will be running on a holiday schedule
This week in Texas they released correspondence between Harriet Miers and George Bush from when she was his personal lawyer.
Unfortunately, the only legal position of hers we learned is that she's not in favor of breathalyzer tests.
President Bush says that even though Harriet Miers was his lawyer he doesn't know her personal positions on legal matters.
So apparently he wasn't reading her memos, either.
Earlier today China launched its second manned space mission.
They were launched on the world's biggest firecracker.
Earlier today China launched its second manned space mission.
Witnesses say it was a spectacular launch. After the rocket booster separated, it made a lovely shooting star pattern in the sky.
Earlier today China launched its second manned space mission.
They're interested in testing the effects of zero-g on egg drop soup.
Experts say that the China's space program is pretty low-cost, you know, because everything is made in China.
Former Vice President Al Gore says that he has no intention of ever running for president again.
He figures he's already been elected once, so what's the point?
The U.S. has intercepted a letter written by al Qaeda's No. 2 man, Ayman al-Zawahiri, in which he claims that American troops will soon be leaving Iraq.
Officials say they know the letter is recent because in it he blames Alex Rodriguez for the Yankees losing to the Angels.
Good news here in New York: in an effort to increase business the city has made parking meters free on Sundays.
And if that works, they'll do the same thing with the hookers.
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October 11, 2005.
Web Posted at: 11:35 am UTC
More information is coming out about Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers. This week we learned that she used to own a gun.
So, apparently, she's carried more weapons than President Bush.
More information is coming out about Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers. This week we learned that she used to own a gun.
Like she wasn't already sexy enough.
This week in Texas they released correspondence between Harriet Miers and George Bush.
The bad news is it doesn't tell us anything about her legal positions. The good news is the notes from President Bush were written on the back of his old military records.
The Yankees lost to the Angles in Game 5 of their playoff series last night in California.
It was really a shock; I was sure they'd make it to the World Series before they blew it this year.
The Yankee payroll this year was over $200 million and they didn't get past the first round of the playoffs.
I believe that's the biggest waste of money since CBS hired me.
Earlier today China launched its second manned space mission.
The Chinese government said that the two astronauts have enough supplies to last for several days and no more than $50 in cash.
Here in New York City the police say they've scaled back security in the subways once again.
You can tell that things are getting back to normal because people on the subway are once again taking their clothes off without being asked.
Here in New York City the police say they've scaled back security in the subways once again.
So for you tourists that means that body cavity searches on the subway are once again optional.
Here in New York City the police say they now believe that terrorists aren't planning to carry out an attack on the subway.
Apparently the terrorists are too afraid to go on the subway, too.
Here in New York City the police say they're scaling back security in the subways because they haven't found any evidence that terrorists are planning to carry out an attack.
Well, I can't see any other reason why we'd need security in the subways.
Ted Koppel says that his last show as host of “Nightline” will be November 22.
That means that as of November 23 I'll officially have the worst hair on TV.
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October 10, 2005.
Web Posted at: 10:45 am UTC
MONDAY: Today is the official Columbus Day holiday.
If it weren't for Christopher Columbus, of course, America might never have had Indian casinos.
MONDAY: For all you tourists in town for Columbus Day, here's a list of what's open and what's not today.
Here's what's closed: banks, government offices and schools. Here's what's open: the subway, the stock exchange and hookers.
MONDAY: Yesterday at Madison Square Garden they had the annual Cat Show.
I believe this was the biggest collection of pussies at the Garden since the last Knicks game.
MONDAY: Yesterday at Madison Square Garden they had the annual Cat Show.
People at the show say there were so many cat fights backstage it was like watching the cast of “Desperate Housewives” at the Emmy Awards.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Jesse Jackson turned 72 over the weekend.
His friends got him a big cake with a girl inside and after five hours he was able to negotiate her release.
Former FBI director Louis Freeh has a new book coming out in which he says that former President Bill Clinton had lots of skeletons in his closet.
Good thing he didn't look under Clinton's desk.
Martha Stewart was recently denied entry into Canada because of her criminal record.
Apparently she was caught trying to illegally smuggle in some potpourri.
A Palestinian leader said this week that George W. Bush said God told him to invade Iraq.
Hell, I'm just glad to hear he's reading somebody's memos.
A Palestinian leader said this week that George W. Bush said God told him to invade Iraq.
That White House called the claim “absurd” – JESUS told him to do it.
The U.S. intercepted a letter this week from al Qaeda saying that the terrorist organization is low on cash and is losing the war in Afghanistan.
The letter was from Osama bin Laden's top deputy, Ayman al-Rumsfeld.
The Food and Drug Administration has ruled that it is safe to eat meat from cloned animals.
Thank god, because you know how careful Americans are about what we put in our bodies.
Last week President Bush said that Iraq is where terrorists are trying to intimidate the whole world and where they're planning to launch attacks against other Muslim countries.
No, wait, I'm sorry – he was talking about the U.S.
Jimmy Carter's son Jack says that he's going to run for the Senate in Nevada.
After the Bushes having the Carters back in power doesn't seem so bad now, does it? At least in the Carter family the drunken idiot was only the brother of the president.
Boy George was arrested for drug possession last week.
I believe this was the first time an effeminate white singer has been arrested since – Michael Jackson.
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October 6, 2005.
Web Posted at: 10:45 am UTC
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are expecting their first child.
You know what that means: Tom Cruise now has another mouth to brainwash.
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are expecting their first child.
Tom was so excited when he got the news he couldn't stop jumping up and down on the doctor's couch.
There are reports that Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are splitting up.
Apparently this has been coming for some time. Her friends say for weeks now she's been trying to spell “irreconcilable.”
Jimmy Carter's son Jack says he's going to run for the Senate.
They say he's a lot like his dad, but less flashy.
Jimmy Carter's son Jack says he's going to run for the Senate.
That seems like a good idea. We al know how well things went the last time a former president's son went into politics.
Jimmy Carter's son Jack says he's going to run for the Senate.
You know things are bad in the world when the Carters are thinking of getting back into politics.
Scientists in Georgia have recreated the Spanish flu virus that killed 50 million people in 1918.
Well, I can't think of anything that could go wrong there.
Scientists in Georgia have recreated the Spanish flu virus that killed 50 million people in 1918.
The good news is President Bush has already awarded Halliburton the vaccine contract.
Scientists in Georgia have recreated the Spanish flu virus that killed 50 million people in 1918.
They say that the Spanish flu can be quite deadly, and it can also put women in the mood.
Golfer Michelle Wie announced yesterday that she's turning professional at the age of 15.
She's already racked up her first endorsement deal with Chuck E. Cheese's.
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October 5, 2005.
Web Posted at: 11:30 am UTC
President Bush says that Harriet Miers is qualified to be a Supreme Court Justice.
I'm thinking, but he's not even qualified.
President Bush says he's never asked Harriet Miers about her personal views on abortion.
That's strange, because he's usually so thorough.
President Bush says that he won't turn over any of Harriet Miers's documents from her time as White House counsel.
He said he wouldn't turn them over if he had bothered to read them in the first place.
President Bush said this week that if there were an outbreak of avian flu in the U.S. he would use the military to enforce a quarantine of the area.
Former President Clinton was also concerned about the spread of infectious diseases – but he usually just wore a condom.
President Bush says that he's concerned about the possibility of an outbreak of avian flu here in the U.S.
Here's how serious he is about this: he's already had his aides draw up a poorly-thought-out emergency response plan.
The government announced this week that they've redesigned the $10 bill with more colors.
They say the new colors are guaranteed not to run. Just to be safe, they had Tom DeLay launder a few bills.
Tom DeLay was indicted on more charges of money laundering this week.
The bad news is his political career may be over. The good news is he has a bright future with Halliburton.
The baseball playoffs began yesterday and once again both the Yankees and Red Sox are in it.
I can't wait to see which team blows it this year.
Here in New York Mayor Bloomberg has bet the mayor of Los Angeles two dozen hot dogs that the Yankees will beat the Angels.
Earlier today he made the same bet with Kirstie Alley.
Here in New York Mayor Bloomberg has made a bet with the mayor of Los Angeles over the Yankees-Angels series.
Here are the terms: if the Angels win New York promises to send two dozen hot dogs. If the Yankees win Los Angeles promises to convict the next celebrity on trial.
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October 4, 2005.
Web Posted at: 11:20 am UTC
This week President Bush nominated White House counsel Harriet Miers, who has never been a judge, to the Supreme Court.
President Bush said he's in favor of a diverse court – he's wants both qualified and unqualified judges.
Harriet Miers used to be President Bush's personal lawyer.
So the good news is we may not know her position on abortion but we should able to figure out her position on public intoxication.
When George Bush was governor of Texas he named Harriet Miers chairwoman of the Texas Lottery Commission.
What's better training for a Supreme Court justice than selling scratch tickets to poor people?
Bad news here in New York City: pest control complaints are up this year.
Officials say there haven't been this many pests in the city since the Republican National Convention.
The Jets and the Giants announced that they're going to build a new stadium in New Jersey.
It's a good deal. The state of New Jersey has agreed to provide the land and remove all the dead bodies.
The Jets and the Giants announced that they're going to build a new stadium in New Jersey.
They're going to recycle the old stadium and use it as a giant dumpster.
Kate Moss has reportedly checked into rehab for a drug addiction.
When she's done there she's then going to address her eating disorder by checking into Michael Moore's house.
Britney Spears is auctioning off some of her stuff to benefit Hurricane Katrina victims.
Apparently she's getting rid of some useless things she doesn't need anymore like clothes, furniture and Kevein Federline.
Britney Spears is auctioning off one of her old bras to benefit victims of Hurricane Katrina.
Earlier today Kirstie Alley announced she was donating one of her old bras to house victims of Hurricane Katrina.
Japanese scientists announced last week that they photographed a 25-foot long giant squid in the wild for the first time.
The only thing that's ever been seen with tentacles that long is Halliburton.
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October 3, 2005.
Web Posted at: 10:50 am UTC
MONDAY: John Roberts was officially confirmed last week as the next Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.
Experts are calling this a real victory for conservative white guys.
MONDAY: Earlier today President Bush nominated Harriet Miers to replace Sandra Day O'Connor on the Supreme Court.
President Bush said she was the perfect choice, since Sandra Day O'Connor's old robes already fit her perfectly.
MONDAY: President Bush's new nominee for the Supreme Court, Harriet Miers, has no previous experience as a judge.
Well, what better place to learn on the job?
MONDAY: After John Roberts was so easily confirmed the Republicans got a little cocky about this Supreme Court nominee.
This time they actually let President Bush have some input.
MONDAY: Today is the 10th anniversary of the O.J. Simpson verdict.
I thought this was nice: O.J. sent a thank you note to California.
MONDAY: Today is the 10th anniversary of the O.J. Simpson verdict.
Friends and family members spent the day quietly shunning him.
MONDAY: Today is the 10th anniversary of the O.J. Simpson verdict.
That's amazing; seems like just yesterday he was killing people.
MONDAY: Here in New York the weather today was beautiful.
In fact the weather was so nice down in Washington today that Tom DeLay asked if he could be out-dicted.
FRIDAY: This weekend is Columbus Day.
Most Americans will celebrate Columbus Day in the traditional manner – by going to an Indian casino.
FRIDAY: This weekend is Columbus Day.
Down in Times Square this weekend the hookers are offering their annual Columbus Day special: for an extra $20 you can choose to board Nina, Pinta or Santa Maria.
The Bush Administration said this week that they're taking steps to conserve energy at the White House.
So, for example, when Dick Cheney isn't in his office, they turn off his defibrillator.
The Bush Administration said this week that they're taking steps to conserve energy at the White House.
President Bush is doing his part – he's taking twice as many naps.
Donald Trump and his wife Melania are expecting their first child.
Finally, a kid with worse hair genes than my son.
Donald Trump and his wife Melania are expecting their first child.
They'll be using natural childbirth – the only unnatural thing in the delivery room will be Trump's hair.
Congratulations to Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore who got married last week.
I think we all know what the “something old” was at that wedding.
Congratulations to Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore who got married last week.
The wedding went well but things got awkward at the reception when Ashton Kutcher got carded.
Congratulations to Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore who got married last week.
Here's how wild the reception was: Demi let Ashton stay up way past his bedtime.
Paris Hilton has broken off her engagement to Paris Latsis.
The good news is they still haven't ruled out a sex video.
The Supreme Court is going to hear Anna Nicole Smith's appeal over the fortune of her late husband.
In fact new Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts announced this week that he would personally handle her briefs.
The Supreme Court is going to hear Anna Nicole Smith's appeal over the fortune of her late husband.
She's confident that she'll win her case – or at least pick up an old guy.
The New York Jets signed 41-year-old Vinny Testaverde last week.
I believe this the first time somebody has made a play for a 41-year-old since Ashton Kutcher.
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