Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show
From
July 2003 until
October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the
LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN.
I wrote and submitted about
10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used.
But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get
paid for it!
Dave is one of my top two
all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It
never, ever got old.
This section displays
all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is).
Use the
archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the
search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.
Jokes highlighted in
bold were
used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention.
You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by
Jay and
Carson and
Jimmy) on my
Late Night Jokes page.
Enjoy!
September 22, 2005.
Web Posted at: 10:40 am UTC
Martha Stewart has made an anti-fur video for PETA.
When I first heard that Martha had made a video, I was worried that our sex tape had gotten out.
Apparently Martha Stewart is now really against any use of animal fur for human vanity.
Here's how serious she is about it: earlier today she spray painted Donald Trump's hair.
Today is the first day of fall, so summer is officially over.
Of course, it feels like summer has been over for a while – especially for the Mets.
You can really tell it's fall now.
This morning it was so chilly I had to put on my thicker toupee.
Down in Texas today they were preparing for Hurricane Rita, which is expected to hit this weekend.
President Bush has already snapped in to action. Earlier today he ordered the levees to be reinforced around his vacation ranch.
Down in Texas today they were preparing for Hurricane Rita, which is expected to hit this weekend.
President Bush isn't wasting any time. Earlier today he ordered the evacuation of his National Guard records.
They're saying now that Hurricane Rita is the third most powerful hurricane on record.
In fact experts say they haven't seen a storm this big brewing since Bill cheated on Hillary.
Ted Kennedy announced yesterday that he would vote against John Roberts for Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.
Apparently he doesn't like Judge Roberts' stance on wearing pants in public.
Saddam Hussein's lawyers say they won't recognize the October 19 start date for his trial.
Earlier today Martha Stewart said, “You can do that?”
Good news from New Orleans: strip clubs have started to reopen.
Sounds like President Clinton's recovery efforts are already paying off.
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September 21, 2005.
Web Posted at: 11:25 am UTC
We have a rat problem here in New York City. They say we have 11 million rats – and that's not counting the ones that commute.
Not only are the rats here in New York big but they're also brazen.
Here's how brazen they are: earlier today on my way to work, a huge rat jumped out and stole my cab.
Here's a warning for all you tourists coming to visit New York City: we've got rats.
They say we have 11 million rats in the city, so watch out, particularly early in the morning. The rats are real nasty until they've had their morning coffee.
We have a rat problem here in New York City. They say we have 11 million rats.
There are so many rats now that they've put their own candidate up for mayor.
You can feel it in the air that Fall is coming.
This morning it was so chilly my cab driver asked me if I'd like the heat turned on. I said yes so he started eating a burrito.
Today I saw a sure sign that Fall is almost here.
On the way to work this morning my cab driver had switched from his short sleeve shirt to his long sleeve shirt.
Today I saw a sure sign that Fall is almost here.
Down at Flashdancers the girls have changed from g-strings to thongs.
“The Apprentice: Martha Stewart” debuted earlier tonight.
She's got a cute way of getting rid of people; instead of saying, “You're fired!” she sticks them with a shank.
“The Apprentice: Martha Stewart” is very different from Donald Trump's version.
For instance, the only thing that's crocheted on Donald's show is his hair.
The contestants on “The Apprentice: Martha Stewart” are divided into two teams and they compete in business challenges that Martha faces.
On the first show the two teams competed to see who could make the most profit in illegal stock transactions.
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September 20, 2005.
Web Posted at: 11:45 am UTC
North Korea has announced that they will give up their entire nuclear weapons program.
Now that North Korea has no more weapons of mass destruction, President Bush can finally start thinking about an invasion.
North Korea has announced that they will give up their entire nuclear weapons program in exchange for security, food and energy aid from the U.S.
Earlier today the mayor of New Orleans tried to make the same deal.
NASA announced this week that they're planning to land people on the moon by 2018.
NASA says they'll send a crew of four for a seven-day stay – you know, because it's cheaper to stay over a Saturday night.
NASA announced this week that they're planning to land people on the moon by 2018.
NASA says they plan on keeping costs low by building a simpler crew vehicle, reusing existing technology and not serving any more in-flight meals.
NASA announced this week that they're planning to land people on the moon by 2018.
President Bush said we'll stay on the moon only until it's capable of self-rule.
Yesterday in Washington President Bush met with the Prime Minister of Thailand.
President Bush said he was excited to meet with him because he's always wondered where ties come from.
Jennifer Anniston says that she's ready to date again.
However, she said it could be months or years before she's ready to get divorced again.
Famous Nazi hunter Simon Wiesenthal died yesterday at the age of 96.
Good news for Prince Harry.
Hurricane Rita is heading for Florida and the Gulf Coast.
FEMA is way ahead of things this time; they've been busy for days lining up their excuses.
The National Hurricane Center says they've almost run out of names for tropical storms and hurricanes this season.
Apparently there haven't been this many expensive disasters in one summer since the last crop of Yankees free agent signings.
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September 19, 2005.
Web Posted at: 10:35 am UTC
MONDAY: The Emmy Awards were here on CBS last night.
It was exciting because it's the one night a year you can see Emmy Award winners on CBS.
MONDAY: Last night was the Emmy Awards and once again I lost out on Best Hairpiece to Regis.
MONDAY: Desperate Housewives only won two Emmys last night, meaning for once I wasn't the bitchiest loser there.
MONDAY: The Emmy Award show went very smoothly.
The only trouble came when Martha Stewart refused to give up her piece at the door.
MONDAY: North Korea announced today that they will give up their entire nuclear program.
Well, I'm sure that will be the end of that.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Robert Blake turns 72 today.
That's amazing; he doesn't look a day older than when he killed his wife.
MONDAY: President Bush's nephew John Ellis Bush was arrested last week and charged with public intoxication.
You know this is the kind of thing that could come back someday and not haunt him.
MONDAY: President Bush's nephew John Ellis Bush was arrested last week and charged with public intoxication.
He's like the son President Bush never had.
MONDAY: President Bush's nephew John Ellis Bush was arrested last week and charged with public intoxication.
Now he's only some made-up military service away from being presidential material.
MONDAY: Florida Gov. Jeb Bush's son John Ellis Bush was arrested last week and charged with public intoxication.
As punishment, his father has banned him from helping out with rigging the next election.
MONDAY: Over in Afghanistan this weekend they had elections for a democratic legislature.
The U.S. had lots of people there to observe the election so hopefully we can try it here sometime.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Lance Armstrong turned 34 on Sunday.
His friends had a girl jump out of one of those big cakes and test his urine.
FRIDAY: Today was the first full day of fall.
In honor of the first day of fall, today the Director of Homeland Security changed the terror threat level to burnt umber.
FRIDAY: Vice President Dick Cheney is going to have surgery on his leg this weekend.
The good news is it will be performed using local anesthetic, which means he won't have to temporarily transfer power to President Bush.
Actress Renee Zellweger and country singer Kenny Chesney are getting divorced after only five months of marriage.
When asked why they're getting divorced after five months, a spokesman said, “Well, they've both been busy with separate projects, otherwise it would've happened sooner.”
Gillette has developed a new five-bladed razor for people with particularly thick facial hair.
So, good news for Janet Reno.
California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger says that he's going to run for reelection next year.
He's already working on the keys to his reelection: his pecs, his glutes, his lats…
NASA said this week that by 2018 they plan to land a man on the moon.
NASA is getting pretty ambitious. Earlier today they also announced that by 2020 they would to land a man on Broadway.
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September 15, 2005.
Web Posted at: 9:00 am UTC
Earlier tonight President Bush made a speech to the nation about Hurricane Katrina.
It didn't go too well. Halfway into the speech they had to send in former Presidents Clinton and Bush to help.
Earlier tonight President Bush made a speech to the nation about Hurricane Katrina.
It went well but there was one awkward moment when President Bush gave a shout out to everyone watching in New Orleans.
You can tell President Bush is committed to rebuilding the New Orleans economy.
Earlier today he sent the Bush twins to Bourbon Street.
Congratulations to Britney Spears who gave birth to a son yesterday.
I believe this now means she has two males at home who are completely dependent on her.
Congratulations to Britney Spears who gave birth to a son yesterday.
Friends say she's very excited and that she's already lip-syncing him lullabies.
Congratulations to Britney Spears who gave birth to a son yesterday.
Needless to say the parents are very proud, but the baby is very embarrassed.
Congratulations to Britney Spears who gave birth to a son yesterday.
The baby feeds every two hours, which means he already works harder than his dad.
Celebrity birthdays: Britain's Prince Harry is 21 years old today.
His friends got him one of those big cakes and a fraulein jumped out.
Hurricane Ophelia, currently a Category 1 storm, is moving up the East Coast.
President Bush is keeping a close eye on it; it has to be at least a Category 3 storm before he'll start ignoring it.
Roy Horn is finally able to walk unassisted for the first time since he was mauled by a tiger two years ago.
He's recovery is really going well. Earlier today for the first time since the mauling he was able to give his first queer makeover.
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September 14, 2005.
Web Posted at: 11:25 am UTC
Yesterday President Bush took full responsibility for the government's failures in responding to Hurricane Katrina.
Apparently President Bush is in a mood to take responsibility for other disasters. Earlier today he also took responsibility for NBC's fall schedule.
Yesterday President Bush took full responsibility for the government's failures in responding to Hurricane Katrina.
I believe this is the first disaster President Bush has take responsibility for since the Bush twins.
Good news: the first commercial airline passengers since Hurricane Katrina arrived at the New Orleans airport yesterday.
The bad news is their luggage won't arrive until next week.
Down in Washington today the confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee John Roberts continued.
Today he said he would respect any legal precedent established by Judge Judy.
That John Roberts is pretty good at avoiding the tough questions.
Earlier today he refused to talk about any past steroid use.
Boy, that John Roberts is one sharp cookie.
The only person at the hearings caught with his pants down was Ted Kennedy.
The Democrats are really making sure that Supreme Court nominee John Roberts is asked the tough questions.
Earlier today they made him go and answer questions on “The View.”
Yesterday in Washington President Bush met with Chinese President Hu Jintao.
It's always big news when the president of a large, totalitarian state meets with the president of China.
Iraqi President Jala Talabani said this week that he believes the 50,000 U.S. troops will be gone from the country by the end of the year.
Coincidentally, so will he.
Mr. T is getting his own TV show where he will give out advice and try to help people in difficult situations.
They're saying he'll be a lot like Dr. Phil but with a Mohawk.
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September 13, 2005.
Web Posted at: 11:35 am UTC
FEMA director Mike Brown resigned yesterday.
Apparently he went right into the Oval Office and handed Dick Cheney his resignation.
Now that FEMA director Mike Brown has resigned President Bush is looking for somebody with extensive experience managing a disaster.
Earlier today he interviewed Yankees manager Joe Torre.
Down in Washington today the Senate held confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee John Roberts.
He says he doesn't have an agenda or a platform of any kind – just like President Bush.
You can tell John Roberts is feeling confident that he'll be confirmed for the Supreme Court.
Earlier today he was over at the Supreme Court picking out a spot for his Ten Commandments monument.
Martha Stewart says that being in prison was easier than being under house arrest.
I agree; I had an easier time arranging conjugal visits when she was in prison.
Matt Damon and his girlfriend, Luciana Barroso, have gotten engaged.
Matt has already asked Ben Affleck to be the drunken best man.
Barry Bonds played his first game of the season last night.
You could tell he was a little rusty; he went 1 for 4 in trying to stick the needle in his ass.
A new Disneyland opened in Hong Kong this week.
You know which Disney character the Chinese like the best? Goofy – especially with a nice side of rice.
New York Rangers star Mark Messier announced his retirement yesterday after a 25 year career, six Stanley Cup victories and – ahh, who cares?
A 12-year-old boy in England has been given a $3.6 million recording contract.
I believe this is the largest pay out to a 12-year-old that didn't involve Michael Jackson.
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September 12, 2005.
Web Posted at: 10:50 am UTC
MONDAY: Down in Washington today the Senate began confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee John Roberts.
If he's confirmed as the next Chief Justice I believe that would be the highest office anyone has been appointed to since George Bush became president.
MONDAY: Down in Washington today the Senate began confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee John Roberts.
The Democrats are really grilling him; earlier today they demanded to know his position on Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.
MONDAY: Everybody here in New York City has football fever.
Earlier today on my way to work my cab driver was wearing a pigskin turban.
MONDAY: Down in Times Square the hookers are offering their annual football special – for an extra $10 you can go for two.
MONDAY: Martha Stewart's new daytime show “Martha” debuted today.
Maybe it's just me, but this show seems edgier than her old one. For example, I don't remember her ever doing any gangsta rap on her old show.
MONDAY: Well, the new fall TV season is underway.
Last night I turned on the TV and I was all excited because I though I was watching “Lost” but then I realized it was just highlights of the Jets game.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Arnold Palmer turned 76 over the weekend.
He celebrated with his favorite dessert: chocolate cake with some Penzoil drizzled on top.
MONDAY: FEMA Director Michael Brown was replaced as the man in charge of the Hurricane Katrina relief effort over the weekend.
He was sent back to Washington where he can stay out of the way of the people doing the real work; it's the same thing they did with President Bush.
MONDAY: The White House has replaced FEMA Director Michael Brown as the man in charge of the Hurricane Katrina relief effort.
Brown was recalled to Washington on Friday but, per usual, he's been slow to arrive.
MONDAY: Earlier today President Bush was in New Orleans to get his first up close look at the damage from Hurricane Katrina two weeks after the storm.
He's part of the administration's “quick response team.”
MONDAY: There's a new al Qaeda videotape out in which they threaten terrorist attacks against Los Angeles and Australia.
In the tape they vowed to take the fight to anywhere Mel Gibson may be living.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Bill O'Reilly turned 56 over the weekend.
His birthday party was a big success – nobody's suing him.
FRIDAY: The Emmy Awards are on CBS this Sunday night.
This show is up for an award so I've been busy all week preparing my excuses.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Jennifer Lopez's husband Marc Anthony turns 36 today.
For his birthday, J Lo hired a woman to jump out of her ass.
Wherever there's a disaster now the government sends in former Presidents Clinton and Bush.
Earlier today they were sent to FEMA headquarters.
Everybody's pitching in to raise money for Hurricane Katrina victims, even professional athletes.
Earlier today the New York Jets pledge to donate $1,000 for every catch they drop.
Everybody here in New York City is pitching in to raise money for Hurricane Katrina victims.
Earlier today Mayor Bloomberg announced the city would donate $10 every time a tourist hires a hooker.
Bad news for President Bush; his approval rating is now below 40 percent.
The good news is that's still a higher approval rating than he had in the 2000 election.
Richard Hatch, who won $1 million on the first season of the reality show “Survivor,” was indicted Thursday for failing to pay taxes on his winnings.
The good news is he'll now be starring in a new reality show called “Survivor: Prison Showers.”
Paris Hilton says that she's ready to settle down and have a baby.
Well, she certainly knows how to make one.
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September 8, 2005.
Web Posted at: 11:35 am UTC
New York City is really pitching in to help the victims of Hurricane Katrina.
Earlier today Mayor Bloomberg offered to host all of the displaced hookers.
Wherever there's a disaster now the government sends in former Presidents Clinton and Bush.
Earlier today they were sent into the Oval Office.
Michael Jackson is getting a complete makeover to look more macho and less creepy.
Here's how big a job it is: earlier today Sean Penn volunteered to help out.
Michael Jackson is getting a complete makeover to look more macho and less creepy.
It's such a hopeless cause they're calling in former Presidents Clinton and Bush to lead the effort.
Today I saw a sure sign that it's Fashion Week here in New York City.
In my cab on the way to work, instead of wishing death to America, my cab driver wished death to non-breathable fabrics.
Suge Knight was released from the hospital after being shot in the leg at a party.
His doctors have advised him to take it easy, get lots of rest and not to attend this year's Vibe Awards.
Paris Hilton says in a new interview that she's not sexual.
Well she could've fooled me.
Paris Hilton says in a new interview that she's not sexual.
There's one more thing she and I have in common.
A new study out finds that people who take ecstasy may be more susceptible to disease.
So, apparently, it turns out taking ecstasy may not be good for you after all.
A new study out finds that people who take ecstasy may be more susceptible to disease.
Now I have to break the news to mom.
This week in California they passed a law legalizing same-sex marriage.
Opponents are worried that this is the kind of thing that could start attracting weirdoes to California.
A new study by the U.S. Census Bureau finds that Manhattan has the highest percentage of people living by themselves.
People in Manhattan like to do lots of things by themselves. For example, that used to be the only way I'd have sex.
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September 7, 2005.
Web Posted at: 11:15 am UTC
Michael Jackson is getting a complete makeover to look more macho and less creepy.
He's pretty serious about it; he's already started cutting back on the estrogen.
Michael Jackson is getting a complete makeover to look more macho and less creepy.
Don't kid yourself, it's a big job. Earlier today NBC announced a celebrity benefit to raise money for it.
President Bush now has two openings to fill on the Supreme Court.
The good news is that's the most jobs the Bush Administration has created in four years.
Monica Lewinsky has been accepted at the London School of Economics for a master's program in social psychology.
Well, she should have no trouble passing her oral exams.
Good news: Lance Armstrong and Sheryl Crow are going to get married.
The bad news is the French are already challenging the results of the blood test.
Lance Armstrong now says he's thinking about coming out of retirement.
You can understand why he'd want to ride into Paris victoriously again – he is part German.
Lance Armstrong now says he's thinking about making a comeback.
Comeback? President Bush has been away longer than he has.
Dr. Phil was in Houston this week to meet with Hurricane Katrina survivors.
He says he hasn't seen people this devastated and hopeless since he interviewed Pat O'Brien.
Bob Denver, who played Gilligan on TV “Gilligan's Island” died this week at the age of 70.
He was America's favorite bumbling doofus – other than President Bush.
Iraqi President Jalal Talabani says that Saddam Hussein has confessed to crimes committed during his regime.
Here's what he's confessed to so far: ordering the gassing of the Kurds, the execution of political rivals and the shooting of Suge Knight.
Astronomers say that the rings of Saturn have changed dramatically over the last 25 years.
Apparently the only body in the universe that changes rings more frequently is Jennifer Lopez.
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September 6, 2005.
Web Posted at: 11:50 am UTC
Former Presidents Bush and Clinton are working together again to lead fundraising efforts for the victims of Hurricane Katrina.
I believe between Hurricane Katrina and the Asian tsunami President Clinton has now spent more nights with President Bush then he has with Hillary.
Former Presidents Bush and Clinton are working together again to lead fundraising efforts for the victims of Hurricane Katrina.
Not only that, but President Clinton has offered to personally host a group of homeless strippers.
It's Fashion Week here in New York City.
For those who've never been here for Fashion Week, it's a lot like when the Westminster Dog Show is in town – but with more bitches.
Good news: gas prices have begun to go back down again.
In response, earlier today President Bush vowed to investigate.
Michael Jackson is getting a complete makeover to look more macho.
He's been lifting weights and apparently it's working – now he can dangle all three of his kids over the balcony at the same time.
Michael Jackson is getting a complete makeover to look more macho.
He's hoping to change his image from creepy to just plain weird.
Well, it's back to school time which means everyone who've been on vacation for the past three months doing nothing finally have to get back to work – including President Bush.
President Bush has another opening on the Supreme Court to fill.
His aides say he's committed to considering a diverse range of potential nominees before he picks another conservative white guy.
Saddam Hussein's defense team says they want to delay the start of his trial, which is supposed to begin in October.
Apparently they want to delay the trial until Saddam is back in power.
Saddam Hussein's upcoming trial will be televised on Iraqi TV.
It's expected to be the highest rated show featuring a deposed dictator, other than “The Apprentice: Martha Stewart.”
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September 5, 2005.
Web Posted at: 10:00 am UTC
MONDAY: We had the whole family to my house for the big Labor Day barbeque over the weekend.
My Uncle Earl kept saying how much he loved the barbeque sauce, but then we found out he was slathering his chicken in shellac.
MONDAY: President Bush celebrated Labor Day today down in Washington.
If you think about it, President Bush celebrating Labor Day makes about as much sense as him celebrating Veterans Day.
MONDAY: Labor Day is the unofficial end of summer.
I can tell summer is over because every day now, earlier and earlier, I'm afraid to walk the streets.
MONDAY: Chief Justice of the Supreme Court William Rehnquist died over the weekend at the age of 80.
This makes the second Supreme Court Justice in a couple of months that President Bush has never heard of.
MONDAY: Chief Justice of the Supreme Court William Rehnquist died over the weekend at the age of 80.
As if Dick Cheney didn't already have enough on his plate…
MONDAY: President Bush has nominated Supreme Court nominee John Roberts to be the next Chief Justice.
That makes sense – it's not like there's anybody else with more Supreme Court experience available.
FRIDAY: This Sunday is National Grandparents Day
I thought this was nice – my son Harry got me a lovely card.
I was woken up by a weird noise outside my house this morning – I caught mom siphoning gas from my car.
This weekend I paid over $50 to fill up my car.
I haven't paid that much to get gas since the last time I bought a hot dog at Yankee stadium.
This weekend I paid over $50 to fill up my car.
That's the most I've paid to get screwed since my last visit to Times Square.
Gas prices are really out of control.
If only President Bush has some connections in the oil industry.
Gas prices are really out of control.
If only we had access to a country with large oil reserves.
It's Fashion Week here in New York City.
Today I saw a sure sign it's Fashion Week in New York. In Central Park I saw a squirrel joojing his nuts.
It's Fashion Week here in New York City.
Today I saw a sure sign that it's Fashion Week here in New York – on the subway all the flashers are wearing Gucci trenchcoats.
There's a rumor that Michael Jackson is trying to make himself look more manly.
How about just working on the “man” part first?
There's a rumor that Michael Jackson is trying to look more manly by lifting weights, wearing shorter wigs and putting on less makeup – no, I'm sorry, that's Rosie O'Donnell.
This is back-to-school week.
Today I saw a sure sign it's back-to-school time. I saw a bunch of middle school boys buying condoms.
Over in Germany some kids found several pieces of jewelry that were 1,000 years old.
Archaeologists say the pieces date from the period of Joan River's first marriage.
The Iraqi government announced this week that Saddam Hussein's trial will begin on October 19.
That's good because I've always thought that November really is a lovely time of year for an execution.
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September 1, 2005.
Web Posted at: 10:45 am UTC
It's been hot and muggy and nasty here in New York City.
It was so hot and muggy today that down at training camp the Jets actually broke a sweat.
Of course with all the heat and humidity city officials are concerned about the elderly.
So, just to be safe, they've evacuated the entire Yankees pitching staff.
This is our first week broadcasting the show in high definition.
I'm not too happy about it because with the high definition you can now see my plastic surgery scars.
CBS is spending millions of dollars to broadcast this show in high definition.
I believe that makes it the biggest waste of money by CBS since they hired me
Please excuse me if I seem a little tired – Martha Stewart got her ankle bracelet off at midnight last night and we haven't been to sleep since.
Martha Stewart's catch phrase on “The Apprentice; Martha Stewart” is going to be “You just don't fit in.”
That's funny because that's what she said to me the last time I went to one of her parties.
President Bush said yesterday that it will take years for the country to recover from hurricane Katrina – not to mention his administration.
Pope Benedict XVI says that Catholics should be having more babies because it's good for society.
Sure, because if there's one complaint I'd have about Catholics, it's that they don't have enough babies.
Pope Benedict XVI says that people should be having more babies because it's good for society.
He said everybody should have more babies – except for NBA players.
A new musical about Monica Lewinsky's affair with President Clinton is about to open on Broadway.
In the play Monica doesn't actually do much singing, although her mouth never stops moving.
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