From July 2003 until October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN. I wrote and submitted about 10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used. But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get paid for it!

Dave is one of my top two all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It never, ever got old.

This section displays all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is). Use the archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.

Jokes highlighted in bold were used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention. You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by Jay and Carson and Jimmy) on my Late Night Jokes page.

Enjoy!

President Bush cut his vacation short today to return to Washington and help with the hurricane cleanup.

Let's see, he cut two days off of his five week vacation; the man just never stops serving.

---

President Bush cut his vacation short today to return to Washington and help with the hurricane cleanup.

I'm worried; do we really want him operating on less than full rest?

---

President Bush cut his vacation short today to return to Washington and help with the hurricane cleanup.

Apparently things are so busy in Washington Dick Cheney actually needs his help.

---

President Bush is already taking charge of the hurricane recovery efforts.

Earlier today he ordered federal troops into Iran.

---

President Bush cut his vacation short today to return to Washington so he could help deal with the latest disaster – the end of Martha Stewart's home confinement.

---

Martha Stewart's home confinement officially ends today.

Finally, we can go back to my place for a change.

---

Martha Stewart was officially released today from five months of home confinement on her farm estate.

She says she's really excited to be free because, really, what's worse than being forced to endure five months of rustic charm?

---

Now that Martha is free again she's going to star in two new TV shows this fall.

It's good to hear she's been able to find gainful employment.

---

CBS has started broadcasting this show in high definition this week.

It's called throwing good money after bad.

---

Art Garfunkel was charged with marijuana possession after police found a joint in his car.

The arresting officer said that when he pulled him over the car smelled “Garfunkelly.”

[link | comment]

Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans yesterday with high winds and flood waters.

The bad news is it did millions of dollars of damage. The good news is the French Quarter has never smelled better.

---

Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans and the Gulf Coast yesterday.

Help is already on the way from all over the country. New York City has sent New Orleans an emergency supply of hookers.

---

Martha Stewart gets her ankle bracelet off tomorrow.

Thank god; I'm getting pretty tired of having to shave around it.

---

Martha Stewart's home confinement ends tomorrow.

After that she'll be on probation for 18 months, which means she won't be able to get drunk, own a gun or server red wine with fish.

---

A car Al Sharpton was riding in this weekend was involved in a high-speed chase with police.

Officials say it was going at 110 mph – and that was just Al's mouth.

---

I got some weird news today: my mom called me last night and told me she's the one who shot Suge Knight.

---

Rap mogul Suge Knight was shot over the weekend.

This is exactly the kind of thing that could give rap a bad name.

---

Rap mogul Suge Knight was shot over the weekend and the police say they have no suspects.

Well, sure, it's not like there's anybody in the rap business with a shady background.

---

Rap mogul Suge Knight was shot over the weekend down in Miami before the MTV Video Music Awards.

Police say they haven't been able to find anybody who saw it happen – just like with the MTV Video Music Awards.

---

Celebrity birthdays: Baseball great Ted Williams would've turned 87 today.

His severed head celebrated quietly with a few close friends and family members' severed heads.

---

A Japanese company has developed a robot that looks just like a child.

Here's how life-like it is: Michael Jackson has already ordered a dozen.

---

A man in Vancouver recently received a post card that was mailed from Florida in 1955.

Post Office officials say they know what happened – it wasn't sent priority mail.

[link | comment]

MONDAY: Well, you can really feel a little more of a chill in the air these days and you know what that means – Martha Stewart is about to be released from home confinement.

---

MONDAY: Martha Stewart's home confinement officially ends this week.

Not everybody's happy about it; earlier today Pat Robertson called for the CIA to take her out.

---

MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Michael Jackson turns 47 today.

That's amazing. He doesn't like anything like 47 – or anything like Michael Jackson.

---

MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Michael Jackson turns 47 today.

He celebrated quietly with some friends, family and the remains of the elephant man.

---

MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Michael Jackson turns 47 today.

Some people already gave him a gift before today – like those jurors in his trial.

---

MONDAY: Congratulations to the kids from Hawaii who won the Little League World Series yesterday.

Remember some of the names because you may see them in 30 years on the Yankees disabled list.

---

FRIDAY: Martha Stewart is now officially an ex-con and she still has two new TV shows coming up this fall.

I've never been arrested and I barely have one show.

---

FRIDAY: Martha Stewart will still be on probation for 18 months, which means she can't get drunk or own a gun.

And they call that freedom?

---

FRIDAY: This weekend is Labor Day.

Labor Day weekend is traditionally the time of year when President Bush returns from his summer vacation and begins planning his fall vacation.

---

FRIDAY: This weekend is Labor Day.

Labor Day, of course, always marks the traditional end to my mom's outdoor drinking season.

---

Over in Iraq they've got a draft for a new constitution.

And if it works there, then we'll try it here.

---

Chelsea Clinton has broken up with her longtime boyfriend, Ian Klaus.

So I guess that makes two Clintons back on the dating scene.

---

Last week here in New York a guy went into a restaurant and ordered a salad and in the salad he found a rusty nail.

The restaurant apologized profusely and explained it was supposed to be a stainless steel nail.

---

Last week here in New York a guy went into a restaurant and ordered a salad and in the salad he found a rusty nail.

The man immediately got a tetanus shot and a refund – it's the same process they follow after a tourist in Times Square picks up a hooker.

---

There's a new reality show coming where they challenge 12 teenagers to go five months without having sex.

Now there's one high school sport that I would've been good at.

---

Here in New York City an art gallery is displaying a sculpture of Ted Williams' severed frozen head.

Ted Williams' head is everywhere these days. Carvel is also offering a new Ted Williams' severed head ice cream cake.

---

There's a new study out that finds that fast food restaurants tend to cluster around high schools.

They also found that they tend to cluster around Star Jones' house.

---

Russell Crowe has reached a settlement with the hotel worker he threw a phone at a few months ago.

The good news is they've reached a settlement. The bad news is Russell Crowe threw it at his head.

[link | comment]

President Bush said last week that he believes Rafael Palmiero when he says he didn't knowingly take steroids.

I'm thinking, well, President Bush has never steered us wrong before.

---

The other night at Yankee Stadium a kid jumped from the upper deck and landed in the netting 40 feet below.

I believe this was the dumbest decision anybody's made at Yankee Stadium since they signed Jason Giambi.

---

It's been real hot and humid here in New York City.

It was so hot tonight that people in Yankee Stadium were jumping from the upper decks just to catch a breeze.

---

We're learning more about Supreme Court nominee John Roberts' position on various issues.

Earlier today we learned that he regrets ever voting to acquit Michael Jackson.

---

Arab television aired a video this week showing al Qaeda terrorists being trained in Afghanistan.

On the video they show new terrorists learning all the basics: planning attacks, building bombs and driving a cab.

---

Angenlina Jolie has been granted Cambodian citizenship.

That means she's now legally allowed to break up marriages in two countries.

---

A private company in Virginia is going to start offering tourists a trip around the moon.

A round trip ticket will cost $100 million. Or you can buy that “special someone” a one-way ticket for $50 million.

---

A private company in Virginia is going to start offering tourists a trip around the moon for $100 million.

To put that into perspective, that same $100 million could also buy the Yankees another 40-year-old pitcher with back problems.

---

A private company in Virginia is going to start offering tourists a trip around the moon for $100 million.

They there's only a handful of people in the world who could afford a ticket and, interestingly, half of them are on the disabled list for the Yankees.

[link | comment]

This is week two of President Bush's five-week vacation in Texas.

Don't kid yourself, though; he's still right on top of everything. He insists on getting daily briefings on the situation with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

---

NASA says the space shuttle Discovery will remain in California for 9 or 10 days before being flown back to Florida.

What they'll do is strap the shuttle onto the back of a specially modified 747 for the return flight – it's the same way they get Michael Moore to the Academy Awards.

---

At Yankee Stadium last night a man fell 40 feet from the upper deck onto the netting behind home plate.

The man was immediately led away by security officials and charged a higher ticket price.

---

At Yankee Stadium last night a man fell 40 feet from the upper deck onto the netting behind home plate.

Luckily, the guy wasn't hurt but he could've easily died – and that's just from the hot dogs.

---

President Bush said yesterday that he's deeply suspicious about Iran's nuclear ambitions.

Not only that, but he said he's also suspicious of their nucular ambitions.

---

Football news: earlier this week the Jets signed former New England Patriot cornerback Ty Law.

Ty Law comes to the Jets with three Super Bowl rings – but the Jets said that doesn't bother them.

---

Ty Law says that it's been his dream to play for the Jets.

Sure, and it was my dream to work for CBS.

---

John Johnson, the publisher of Ebony and Jet magazines, died this week at the age of 87.

I believe his death is the biggest loss to the black community since Michael Jackson.

---

Allie LaForce from Ohio won Donald Trump's Miss Teen USA pageant earlier this week.

Here's what else she won: a modeling contract, a custom-designed wardrobe, and a year of drunken late night phone calls from Donald Trump.

---

Jennifer Wilbanks, the runaway bride, mowed the lawn of a government building in Georgia yesterday as part of her community service for lying to police.

In addition to mowing the lawn she's also required to serve as a scarecrow for local farmers.

---

A South Korean man died after playing video games for 50 straight hours.

He's survived by a few family members and absolutely no friends.

[link | comment]

Earlier today the space shuttle Discovery landed safely in California after two weeks in space.

I believe the only thing in California that's been in outer space longer is Michael Jackson.

---

Earlier today the space shuttle Discovery returned to earth and the good news is the astronauts are safely in California.

The bad news is their luggage is in Pittsburgh.

---

This was a really long shuttle mission.

Here's how long they've been away: when they left, President Bush was actually in Washington.

---

President Bush is at his ranch in Texas on a five-week vacation.

I believe this is his longest stretch of relaxing and doing nothing in Texas since he was governor.

---

President Bush is enjoying all of his favorite Texas activities on his vacation.

Let's see, he's clearing brush on his ranch, barbequing, and taking in some executions.

---

Yesterday President Bush signed the Energy Policy Act of 2005, which he says will help reduce America's dependence on oil.

Right after signing the bill in New Mexico, President Bush hopped in his SUV and then did some sight seeing on his private helicopter.

---

Two of the jurors from the Michael Jackson trial now say they regret their decisions to acquit him.

Apparently they said after thinking about it a bit more, they can't quite put their fingers on it, but something about Michael seems... strange.

---

Two of the jurors from the Michael Jackson trial now say they regret their decisions to acquit him.

Apparently they've done an about face. Coincidentally, Michael's done about six faces.

---

Here in New York this week they tested the emergency response to a chemical or biological attack by releasing harmless gas into the subways.

The drill went well; only 3 rescue personnel are missing.

---

Celebrity birthdays: Whitney Houston turns 42 today.

Her friends all chipped in and bought her a gift certificate to the Betty Ford Center.

---

A 15-year-old Oregon boy has been charged with a misdemeanor for giving another boy a “purple nurple”.

They really threw the book at this kid; he has to pay a $67 fine, do three days of community service and he can't sleep with his teacher for a week.

[link | comment]

MONDAY: Seven sailors on a Russian submarine that had sunk in the Pacific this weekend were rescued yesterday.

Doctors say the sailors are all in good health and they've already been cleared to start drinking again.

---

MONDAY: NASA had to delay the landing of the space shuttle Discovery today due to bad weather.

So, if the weather cooperates, tomorrow they'll play two.

---

MONDAY: The Dukes of Hazzard was the number one movie this weekend.

Burt Reynolds is in it and they say he's funny, he's outrageous, he's over the top – and that's just his hairpiece.

---

MONDAY: I took mom to see The Dukes of Hazzard this weekend and she liked it so much after the movie she went right out and bought a pair of those Daisy Duke shorts.

---

MONDAY: Critics say Jessica Simpson gives a good performance as Daisy Duke in “The Dukes of Hazzard.”

In the movie she plays a dumb hillbilly who constantly uses her body to get her family members out of trouble. Boy, that's a real stretch.

---

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Ben Affleck turns 33 today.

Here's how he planned to spend the day: playing cards with friends, drinking and not doing anything productive – and then he remembered it was his birthday.

---

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Ben Affleck turns 33 today.

His birthday party was attended by a small crowd of friends and family members – just like his movies.

---

President Bush is at his Texas ranch on a five-week vacation.

I believe this is the longest vacation he's taken since he's been president – not counting his first term.

---

President Bush is at his Texas ranch on a five-week vacation.

They're already feeling his absence in Washington. Today Dick Cheney had to hire a temp.

---

There's a rumor out that Rosie O'Donnell is going to join the Broadway production of “Fiddler on the Roof.”

It looks like the rumors are true – they've begun reinforcing the roof.

---

Eddie Murphy's wife Nicole has filed for divorce.

She cited irreconcilable differences and declining box office sales.

---

Eddie Murphy's wife Nicole has filed for divorce.

She says knew the marriage wasn't going to work right about the time Eddie made “The Adventures of Pluto Nash.”

---

New transcripts of tape recordings made by Marilyn Monroe indicate she credited her psychiatrist with teaching her how to achieve orgasm.

That's interesting because I also have to pay by the hour for my orgasms.

---

A photographer trying to get a picture of Britney Spears attending a friend's bridal shower was shot in the leg with a BB gun.

He said he couldn't be sure if the shot came from the house Britney was in, or if it came from a different double-wide trailer.

---

The NCAA says it will now ban teams from using American Indian nicknames and logos during post season tournaments.

So, apparently it's OK to make fun of Native Americans as long as your team sucks.

---

A new study out finds that Manhattan now has the highest average salary in the country: $73,000 a year.

I can really tell income is up here in New York City. Earlier today in Central Park I saw one squirrel hire another squirrel to clean hit nuts.

I can really tell income is up here in New York City. On my way to work this morning the naked guy next to me had a tan from his vacation to Hawaii.

I can really tell income is up here in New York City. Today the homeless guy outside the theater who always gives me the finger had on nicer clothes than me.

[link | comment]

It's been really hot and humid here in New York City.

It was so hot today that Rafael Palmiero was caught injecting himself with Italian ice.

---

President Bush is at his ranch in Texas on a five-week vacation.

Aides say he'll spend the time relaxing, exercising, not worrying about things in Washington – in other words it's a working vacation.

---

President Bush is at his ranch in Texas on a five-week vacation.

Let's see, oil prices are at record highs, the economy is still sluggish and the war in Iraq is looking endless – yeah, I'd say he's earned five weeks off.

---

President Bush is at his ranch in Texas on a five-week vacation.

Aides say he's recharging his batteries. My question is, when does he run down his batteries?

---

President Bush is at his ranch in Texas on a five-week vacation.

Aides say that even though he's in Texas he'll still be mismanaging the war in Iraq.

---

President Bush is at his ranch in Texas on a five-week vacation.

Here's how long his vacation is: before he left, he went to the post office and filled out a “change of address” form.

---

Martha Stewart has had her home confinement extended for three more weeks.

Apparently she violated one of the terms of her confinement: she served red wine with fish.

---

Martha Stewart has had her home confinement extended for three more weeks.

I guess that means I'll be keeping my shaving gear at her place for a few more weeks.

---

Prison officials say Martha Stewart will have to wear her electronic anklet for three extra weeks.

The good news is she'll still have the anklet removed before it can clash with her fall wardrobe.

---

Exciting science news: scientists in Korea have cloned a dog for the first time.

The bad news is they celebrated by eating him for lunch.

[link | comment]

An Air France jet crashed while trying to land at the Toronto airport yesterday.

There were no fatalities, but a few passengers had to be treated after eating their in-flight meals.

---

An Air France jet crashed while trying to land at the Toronto airport yesterday and, luckily, nobody was killed.

One of the flight attendants was injured, but his condition has been upgraded from serious to bitchy.

---

President Bush has gone to his ranch in Texas for his annual summer vacation.

The whole family is there, including the Bush twins, which explains the tight security around the liquor cabinet.

---

President Bush has gone to his ranch in Texas for his annual summer vacation.

It's a working vacation; he'll still be ignoring national security memos.

---

President Bush is about to break Ronald Reagan's record of 335 vacation days by a president.

Former President Clinton didn't take many vacations; hell, he even had sex at his desk.

---

Earlier today astronauts on the space shuttle successfully removed some material that was protruding from underneath the shuttle.

If NASA manages to get the shuttle home safely, the next thing they'll do is try to keep the Yankees from crashing and burning.

---

Saddam Hussein's trial in Iraq is going to be shown on live television.

That means for several months we'll be seeing nothing but that maniac with a mustache on TV – Geraldo Rivera.

---

Celebrity birthdays: Martha Stewart turns 64 today.

I thought this was nice: her stockbroker gave her an assorted selection of insider information.

---

Officials in California say that gas from dairy cows causes more pollution than emissions from cars and trucks.

In fact, they say the only thing that produces more toxic material than dairy cows is Fox.

---

Martha Stewart has been denied permission to build a 4,700 square foot barn on her Bedford, New York estate.

Ladies and gentlemen, how many more trials and tribulations must this poor woman endure?

[link | comment]

President Bush had his annual physical last weekend and his doctors say he's our fittest president ever.

Here are his keys to staying so fit: daily exercise, lots of sleep and not doing any work.

---

President Bush is in Texas for his annual summer vacation.

August is traditionally the time for President Bush to kick back, relax and not think about work. So is January, February, March, April...

---

President Bush's aides say he needs his summer vacation to relax and not think about work.

I thought that's what his national security briefings were for.

---

Yesterday President Bush appointed John Bolton as the United Nations ambassador while Congress was in recess, bypassing a Senate vote.

I believe that makes him the highest-ranking government official to get his job without winning a vote since – President Bush.

---

Rafael Palmeiro of the Baltimore Orioles has been suspended for 10 games for testing positive for steroids.

The bad news is this could really hurt his Hall of Fame chances. The good news is it should really help his chances of being signed by the Yankees.

---

Rafael Palmeiro says he's never knowingly taken steroids.

He says the only performance-enhancing drug he's ever knowingly taken is Viagra.

---

NASA says they're going to try and repair damage to the space shuttle tomorrow.

Here's the plan: an astronaut is going to be attached to a 58-foot robot arm so he can get underneath the shuttle to trim some material that's protruding from the belly. It's the same process they use to give Rosie O'Donnell a bikini wax.

---

Martha Stewart will officially be a free woman soon when her home confinement ends in a couple of weeks.

She says she's looking forward to taking some long walks on the beach, going to visit friends and settling some scores.

---

Michael Jackson has reportedly purchased 14 acres of land in Bahrain.

Apparently he feels that Bahrain would be a better place for him to dangle his children.

---

Workers in South Dakota have just completed cleaning the faces on Mount Rushmore.

It took a team of workers using pressurized water three weeks to remove all the existing dirt and grime from the faces. Next they're going to try it on Star Jones.

---

Workers in South Dakota have just completed cleaning the faces on Mount Rushmore.

What they did was, they cleaned the faces using pressurized water and the world's largest Stridex medicated pad.

[link | comment]

MONDAY: President Bush had his annual physical this weekend.

His doctors say he's in great shape and there's every reason to expect that he'll be able to enjoy more many more years of month-long vacations.

---

MONDAY: President Bush had his annual physical this weekend and his doctors say his body fat percentage fell from 18.25% to 15.79% – no, I'm sorry, that's his approval rating.

---

MONDAY: President Bush's doctors say he has 20/20 vision.

The bad news is it's only his hindsight.

---

MONDAY: President Bush had a small growth removed from his neck during his physical.

I believe that was the biggest pain in the neck he's had removed since Saddam Hussein.

---

MONDAY: President Bush's doctors say he's healthy even though he smokes an occasional cigar.

Interestingly, former President Clinton used to enjoy an occasional cigar – although, technically, he wasn't the one enjoying it.

---

MONDAY: President Bush left for his annual summer vacation this week.

He'll be at his ranch in Texas through August, so, finally, Dick Cheney will be able to get some work done.

---

MONDAY: This will be President Bush's 50th trip to his ranch since he's been president.

It's all part of his “no vacation days left behind” policy.

---

MONDAY: Saudi Arabia's King Fahd passed away this weekend; his half brother Crown Prince Abdullah is the new king.

I believe this is the first time an oil prince has taken over a country since George Bush.

---

MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Arnold Schwarzenegger turned 58 on Saturday.

His friends surprised him by having a girl jump out of his pecs.

---

FRIDAY: The Dukes of Hazzard movie opened today.

The whole Duke family is back: Bo and Luke Duke, Daisy Duke, David Duke...

---

FRIDAY: The Dukes of Hazzard movie opened today.

All the good old boys are back: there's Bo and Luke, Cooter, Enos, and Janet Reno.

---

FRIDAY: Jessica Simpson plays Daisy Duke in the new “Dukes of Hazzard” movie.

Here's the scary part: she plays the smart Duke.

---

FRIDAY: Al Gore's new TV channel debuted this week

It's really creating quite a buzz – well, actually, it's more of a snore.

---

Football training camps open this week.

The New York Jets are already hard at work practicing their excuses.

---

Astronomers in California announced last week that they've found a 10th planet in the solar system.

They say it's the largest body that's been discovered in the solar system since Star Jones.

---

Researchers in Canada say that 3-5 percent of adults are sex addicts.

Finally, I think we've identified Bill Clinton's legacy.

---

Researchers in Canada say they've identified a sexual addiction as a mental disease.

They're calling it Clintonitis.

[link | comment]