From July 2003 until October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN. I wrote and submitted about 10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used. But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get paid for it!

Dave is one of my top two all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It never, ever got old.

This section displays all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is). Use the archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.

Jokes highlighted in bold were used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention. You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by Jay and Carson and Jimmy) on my Late Night Jokes page.

Enjoy!

It was so hot today in New York City that they were handing out water to tourists who were waiting in line for hookers.

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Down in Times Square the hookers are offering a heat wave special: for $10 they'll give you a heat stroke.

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The White House has changed their slogan from the War on Terror, to the Global Struggle Against Violent Extremism.

Actually, they've changed the slogan and added a jingle – “I'm Lovin' It.”

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Former President Clinton was offered 40 goats and 20 cows for his daughter Chelsea during a recent trip to Kenya.

President Clinton turned down that offer, but he did ask the guy what he'd give him for Hillary.

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Earlier today the space shuttle successfully docked with the International Space Station.

Before docking Commander Eileen Collins had the shuttle do a back flip, which isn't surprising since, you know, women always have trouble parking.

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The shuttle crew is delivering 15 tons of supplies to the crew on the International Space Station.

I can't even get my family to bring a bag of chips when they come to my house.

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NASA now says they've grounded the space shuttle again because of falling debris during launch.

The space shuttle has been around for 25 years, has cost hundreds of billions of dollars and is breaking down constantly – just like the Yankees pitching staff.

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Former Detroit Pistons coach Larry Brown has been hired as the new coach of the New York Knicks.

Here's the deal: he gets $36-40 million to coach the Knicks for four years, or until he comes to his senses.

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Japanese scientists have built a robot that looks and moves just like a woman.

Here's how life-like the robot is: none of the scientists were able to get a date with it.

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Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld made a surprise visit to Iraq earlier today.

It was such a surprise the military commanders in Iraq didn't know he was coming until they smelled the “Old Spice.”

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Up on the space shuttle today the team of astronauts spent seven hours using a 50-foot-robotic arm to inspect every inch of the shuttle for damage.

It's the same way they do Michael Moore's annual physical.

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Congress has passed a law to extend daylight-saving time.

Here's how it'll work: it will now start on the second Sunday in March and end on the first Sunday in November – no, I'm sorry, that's President Bush's summer vacation.

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Michael Jackson's lawyer says that Michael had to be hospitalized after his trial.

Apparently he spent a night in the ICU – the Intensely Creepy Unit.

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Here's a tip for all you tourists coming to New York City this summer.

If you want some action and you can't afford a hooker, just go down into the subway and ask the nearest policeman for a body cavity search.

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Security is really tight here in New York City and officials are asking people to report anybody who looks suspicious.

Here's what you're supposed to do if you see a suspicious looking character: call the police and give them the person's physical description, where you saw him and his cab number.

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Here in New York City they've started random searches of subway riders.

Here's how thorough the searches are: they're starting to take some business away from the hookers.

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Celebrity birthdays: Alex Rodriguez of the New York Yankees is 30 years old today.

His teammates threw him a party and it got pretty wild; after the party three more pitchers had to go on the disabled list.

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A developer in Chicago wants to build a 115-story, 2,000-foot tall building that would be the tallest in the country.

Not only that but I believe it was also be the largest Chicago landmark other than Oprah.

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Down in Florida O.J. Simpson has been fined $25,000 for stealing satellite television.

O.J. said if he had to do it all over again, he wouldn't do it unless he was living in California.

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It's really hot and humid here in New York City again.

It was so hot here this morning that I was glad to be stripped searched on my way into the subway.

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There's a report now that Osama bin Laden tried to buy several tons of cocaine that he wanted to poison and sell in the United States.

It was all part of his plan to wipe out our music industry.

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There's a report now that al Qaeda tried to buy several tons of cocaine from South America that they wanted to poison and sell in the United States.

The deal apparently fell through when Courtney Love outbid them for the cocaine.

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Former President Clinton was recently offered 40 goats and 20 cows for his daughter Chelsea during a trip to Kenya.

He turned down the offer, but while he was there he did pick up a few cows.

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Celebrity birthdays: Mick Jagger turns 62 today.

He had a birthday party with several hundred guests – and those were just his children.

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NASA launched the space shuttle Discovery earlier today.

I believe this was the first launch since that awful disaster two and a half years ago – the invasion of Iraq.

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Scientists say a cloud of dust from the Sahara Desert twice the size of the U.S. is heading directly for Florida.

People are already panicking. Earlier today Gov. Jeb Bush had to institute a price cap on Swiffer mops.

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Jane Fonda says she's going to protest the war in Iraq by making a cross-country tour on a bus powered by “vegetable oil.”

Now today Michael Moore announced he's going to protest the war in Iraq by making a cross-country tour and eating nothing but Crisco.

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Mel Gibson says the dialogue in his next movie is going to be entirely in an obscure Mayan language.

I believe this film will have the most unintelligible dialogue since J. Lo's last movie.

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Ricky Martin says that he wants to be spokesman for Arab youth and change the negative stereotypes about them.

In response, Arab youth thanked him but said they'd rather be known as terrorists.

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MONDAY: Congratulations to Lance Armstrong who won his seventh straight Tour de France yesterday.

I believe he now has more wins in France than the Germans.

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MONDAY: Lance Armstrong says he's retired now after winning his seventh straight Tour de France yesterday.

Apparently he's ready to spend less time in his bike shorts.

Apparently he wants to spend more time with people who aren't French.

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MONDAY: The French lined the street to cheer Lance Armstrong as he rode into Paris to win his seventh straight Tour de France yesterday.

Experts say we may never see something like that again – the French cheering an American.

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MONDAY: So Lance Armstrong is now 33 years old, he's still making millions of dollars and his career is all over.

To that in perspective, if he were a baseball player, he'd be Yankee material.

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MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Monica Lewinsky turned 32 over the weekend.

Her friends put those trick candles on her birthday cake; she says she hasn't blown that hard since she was working in the White House.

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MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Jennifer Lopez had a birthday over the weekend.

Her cake had 36 candles on it – one for each marriage.

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MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Barry Bonds turned 41 over the weekend.

His doctors say he's in good shape for a man his age; the only thing enlarged on him is his head.

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The Bush administration announced this week that they're not going to release certain memos and documents written by Supreme Court nominee John Roberts.

The bad news is they say they won't be officially releasing them, but the good news is Karl Rove may leak a few.

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Out in California Santa Maria County say they spent $2.7 million on the Michael Jackson trial.

That doesn't even include the cost of evidence tampering.

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Here in New York City they've begun random searches of people on the subway.

It's true. On my way to work this morning the naked guy next to me asked me to give him a body cavity search.

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The New York police commissioner has asked everyone to be on the lookout for anyone who's sweating excessively.

Apparently it's working because the police have already gotten a flood calls about Star Jones.

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Saddam Hussein is complaining that he doesn't get to see his lawyer enough.

Apparently he misses hanging out with other evil tyrants.

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Donald Trump has offered to oversee the remodeling of the U.N. building here in New York City.

He's offered to waive his usual fee; all he asks for in return is a piece of the action from the slots.

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The Pentagon has developed a new weapon that shoots a microwave beam.

They say it can take out a pacemaker at 100 yards.

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Al Gore said this week that he used to receive joke advice from Johnny Carson.

Who knew that? Al Gore used to tell jokes?

He said Johnny called him the stiffest guy he gave joke advice to, other than me.

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It's been really hot and humid here in New York City.

It was so hot that earlier today George Steinbrenner overpaid to get Mr. Freeze.

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President Bush said he hopes that the confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee John Roberts are dignified and timely.

Sure, because if there's one person I think of when I think of dignified and timely processes, it's George Bush.

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President Bush's choice for the Supreme Court John Roberts is already trying everything to win support for his nomination.

Earlier today he announced that he was engaged to Katie Holmes.

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More trouble for Karl Rove. Today he was accused of leaking the name of the character that dies at the end of the new Harry Potter book.

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The new Harry Potter book is out and apparently it's got a pretty shocking ending that's got a lot of fans upset.

At the end of the book Harry Potter converts to Scientology

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It was 36 years ago this week that we put men on the moon and brought them home safely.

I believe that was also the last time we had a clear exit strategy.

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It was 36 years ago this week that we first landed a man on the moon.

It's been 36 years since we put a man on the moon and I still can't find a realistic looking hairpiece.

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Michael Jackson says that he wants to move to Berlin.

He says it would be a good place to raise his kids, what with all those balconies.

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Madonna says in a new interview that England is now her permanent home.

Today al Qaeda officially claimed responsibility.

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James Doohan, who played Scotty the engineer on “Star Trek” died yesterday at the age of 85.

The entire “Star Trek” cast is in mourning. Today William Shatner had his toupee at half-mast.

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NFL agent Drew Rosenhaus saved a boy who was unconscious at Disney World by performing CPR on him.

As a reward after the incident Rosenhaus was offered free admission to the park, but he's holding out for a better deal.

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Last night President Bush named federal judge John Roberts as his nominee for the Supreme Court

The president said he hopes he'll be confirmed and in place by October 1, when he gets back form his summer vacation.

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President Bush said he wanted to pick a candidate for the Supreme Court who didn't legislate from the bench.

President Bush says the only thing judges should do are interpret laws and pick presidents.

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President Bush said choosing a nominee was a very tough decision.

At least that's what Dick Cheney told him.

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President Bush originally wanted to pick a woman to boost his approval ratings, but then they told him he couldn't pick somebody from “Desperate Housewives.”

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President Bush announced his Supreme Court nominee on live TV.

You can tell he's really trying to boost his approval ratings because after he made the announcement he also announced he was sending the Bush twins to Brat Camp.

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The new Harry Potter book is out.

In the new book Harry is 17 years old and he uses his powers to make fake IDs for his friends.

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In the new Harry Potter book Harry is now 17 years old.

Things get awkward in the book when Harry and his buddies get caught comparing the lengths of their wands.

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In the new Harry Potter book Harry is 17 years old and is getting better with his magical powers.

You can tell he's getting better with his magical powers because in this book he's actually able to conjure up a girl's phone number.

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Here in New York City yesterday we used 12,250 megawatts of electricity.

Con Edison says that's the most electricity that's been generated in one day since Star Jones stopped wearing corduroy.

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Here in New York City yesterday we set a new record for power consumption, using 12,250 megawatts of electricity.

That broke the previous one-day record that was set when Star Jones shaved her legs with an electric razor.

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Gerry Thomas, the inventor of the TV dinner, died this week at the age of 83.

His family said he's going to be cremated in a large aluminum tray.

His family said he was embalmed using TV dinner gravy

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Down in Times Square 40 live models are living in a billboard display for a cosmetics company.

The models work in shifts around the clock and they're supposed to pretend that they're enjoying themselves – just like the hookers in Times Square.

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It's been really hot and humid here in New York City.

It was so soupy today that I saw a street vendor cook a hot dog by just holding it up in the air.

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President Bush said yesterday that he would fire anybody in his administration convicted of a crime.

In a related story, the entire Bush administration has moved to California.

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Sources in Washington are saying that President Bush is really close to naming his nominee to replace Sandra Day O'Connor on the Supreme Court.

Apparently all the signs are there – Karl Rove has begun leaking the name.

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The Yankees are back in first place for first time since April.

It looks like they're primed for a real run at blowing it in October.

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Here in New York they're installing high-tech surveillance systems in all the tunnels to identify possible terrorists.

They say that these cameras are so good that we'll be able to get a picture of any terrorist entering a New York City tunnel and the number of his cab.

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Osama bin Laden's niece, Wafah, was reportedly seen on a date with Pauly Shore.

Apparently he kept asking her what is was like to be with the most hated man in America and she said, actually, Pauly Shore wasn't that bad.

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Over in Rome archaeologists have discovered a 2,000 year-old set of silver dishes that were buried in the lost city of Pompeii.

They say it's the oldest set of dishware ever found, other than Joan Rivers's wedding china.

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Yesterday at the White House President Bush met with Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh.

Things got a little awkward when President Bush asked him how the casino business was going.

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Here in New York the other day two naked people were caught having sex on the roof of a middle school.

Apparently what happened was it such a nice day the teacher decided to have class outside.

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Gen. William Westmoreland, the commander of troops in Vietnam, died yesterday at the age of 91.

He's the only commander to oversee a war that America lost – other than George Bush.

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Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee are going to get married again.

I believe this will be the third time they've gotten divorced.

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MONDAY: Vice President Dick Cheney had his annual physical this weekend.

Apparently the visit went really well; he only needed a triple bypass.

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MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Camilla Parker Bowles turned 58 on Sunday.

Prince Charles got her a lovely monogrammed feedbag.

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MONDAY: The latest Harry Potter book went on sale this weekend.

It's called “Harry Potter: Escape from Neverland.”

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MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Disneyland turned 50 years old this past weekend.

In honor of the event they had a lovely ice sculpture made from Walt Disney.

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It's been really hot and humid here in New York City.

Earlier today I saw a squirrel in Central Park and it was so hot and humid even his nuts were sweating.

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Over in Iraq they've officially brought the first charges against Saddam Hussein.

The first charges are from 1982; he's being charged with the death of disco.

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London was recently awarded the 2012 Summer Olympics.

City officials say it's going take a team of thousands years to get everything cleaned up in time – and those are just the dentists.

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More accusations are coming out about Karl Rove.

Now he's been accused of leaking the winner of “Dancing with the Stars.”

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Chief Justice William Rehnquist announced last week that he has no plans to retire because of his health – no, I'm sorry, that was Vice President Cheney.

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Chief Justice William Rehnquist announced last week that he's not going to resign because of his health.

He figures, hell, if Dick Cheney can keep working, why not him?

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Martha Stewart says that her nickname in prison was M. Diddy.

Now she says she only wants to be known as Puffy Mommy.

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Martha Stewart is spending her time under house arrest writing a book.

Well, it's good to see she's finally trying to make something of herself.

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Martha Stewart is writing a guidebook for building your own business.

It covers everything from making your first sale to making your first illegal stock transaction.

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NASA is getting ready to launch the space again for the first time since the Columbia disaster.

Everybody's got space fever these days. For example, this week President Bush is at space camp.

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McDonald's has hired P. Diddy to redesign their employees' uniforms.

The new uniforms will now come with gun holsters.

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