Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show
From
July 2003 until
October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the
LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN.
I wrote and submitted about
10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used.
But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get
paid for it!
Dave is one of my top two
all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It
never, ever got old.
This section displays
all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is).
Use the
archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the
search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.
Jokes highlighted in
bold were
used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention.
You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by
Jay and
Carson and
Jimmy) on my
Late Night Jokes page.
Enjoy!
June 30, 2005.
Web Posted at: 10:40 am UTC
President Bush was evacuated from the White House last night after a small plane violated restricted airspace over Washington.
Secret Service agents quickly took President Bush to a secure location so he could finish watching “Dancing with the Stars.”
Homeland security officials said that for a short time last night the White House threat alert level was raised to red.
Here's how scary it was: President Bush tried to scramble the Batmobile.
Celebrity birthdays: George Steinbrenner turns 75 on July 4th.
He started the celebrations early by firing 75 people today.
It's been really hot and humid here in New York City.
It was so hot here today that on my way to work I saw Batman on the side of the road because the Batmobile overheated.
Good news: the murder rate here in New York City is way down again.
They say the reason is because we've outsourced murders to New Jersey.
Texas Rangers pitcher Kenny Rogers beat up two cameramen who were trying to get his pictures before last night's game.
After seeing the footage George Steinbrenner tried to trade for him, since he hits better than most of the Yankees.
Michael Jackson and his family are on vacation in the Middle East this week.
I'm thinking, don't those people hate us enough already?
Celebrity birthdays: Mike Tyson turns 39 today.
His friends had a beautiful girl jump out of cake for him, which I believe makes that his second knockout this month.
Tom Cruise said this week that he believes aliens exist.
Tom Cruise is getting so strange even Michael Jackson is starting to think he's creepy.
A woman in the Netherlands turned 115 yesterday.
Experts say she's the oldest living person in the world – other than certain parts of Cher.
The other day in Moscow New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft let President Vladimir Putin see his Super Bowl ring and Putin put it in his pocket and kept it.
When they heard the news, the New York Jets said, “You can do that?”
Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys was ordered to enroll in an alcohol treatment program after being arrested for drunk driving.
The judge ordered him to stop drinking – and to stop making records.
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June 29, 2005.
Web Posted at: 11:25 am UTC
It's been really hot and humid here in New York City.
It was so hot today Tom Cruise was happy to get squirted with water.
President Bush gave a speech last night about the situation in Iraq.
Did you see him? He looked tired and he seemed a little unsure of himself – that's right, he's on the wagon again.
President Bush said last night that we've embedded American soldiers with Iraqi troops to teach them how to fight and win.
He says if it works there, then we'll try doing the same thing with the Yankees.
You can tell President Bush is trying to improve his approval ratings.
Last night after his speech he danced a rumba with Rachel Hunter.
Last night during his speech President Bush announced a timetable for withdrawal.
That's right – I believe he'll withdraw on January 20, 2009.
President Bush gave his speech last night to 750 soldiers at Fort Bragg, North Carolina.
It was a big night for the soldiers. After the speech they all got to go out on a date with the Bush twins.
Bad news for Russell Crowe: apparently there's a security video of him throwing the phone at a hotel employee that's been viewed by the authorities.
The good news is that's the largest audience to see him all summer.
Josh Estrada, the hotel clerk who Russell Crowe threw a phone at, now says he's now going to sue.
In his defense, Russell Crowe says the guy wasn't being helpful and, after all, his name is Josh.
A guy in New Jersey was arrested and charged with driving a Zamboni machine drunk.
Witnesses say they haven't seen somebody in worse condition on the ice since the last Rangers' game.
A movie theater chain is offering a money back guarantee for “Cinderella Man.”
Not only that, but for anybody who doesn't like the movie, Russell Crowe is promising to beat up the box office attendant
A Louisiana woman claims that she found part of a finger in her salad at Applebee's.
In a related matter today Wendy's announced they're suing Applebee's for stealing the recipe for their “secret sauce.”
A Louisiana woman is suing Applebees because she found a finger in her salad during a meal there last year.
Apparently it was a pretty unpleasant experience – and finding the finger wasn't too much fun either
She says the whole experience has made her unable to eat out at restaurants.
The good news is she's lost 20 pounds and says she's never felt healthier.
Celebrity birthdays: Nancy Drew turns 75 this month.
I believe she's been working longer than any other woman in the world – other than Joan Rivers.
Paula Abdul is asking for tougher hygiene standards for nail salons.
She wants to make sure that all nail salons are free from bacteria and parasites – no, I'm sorry, that's what she demands for “American Idol” contestants.
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June 28, 2005.
Web Posted at: 11:30 am UTC
It's been really hot and humid here in New York City.
It's been so hot that over at Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum they say Marlon Brando has melted off two pants sizes.
It's been so sticky here in New York the only thing stickier is the situation the Yankees are in.
Former President Bill Clinton visited former President George Bush in Maine yesterday and took a boat ride on the ocean.
Did you see the boat they were on? It was big. In fact, I believe President Clinton hasn't boarded something that big since – Monica.
A new novel by Saddam Hussein is going to be published.
Reviewers are already calling it perfect summertime spider-hole reading.
This week Michael Jackson said his family, friends and God dried his tears during his recent trial.
Well, them and a trained team of tear-drying chimps.
New York City is on pace to have fewer than 500 murders this year.
Murders are down so much the only people getting killed in New York these days are the Yankees.
Don't kid yourself; the lower murder rate is bad news for some people. Today on my way to work I saw a guying holding a sign that said “Will perform autopsy for food.”
The Supreme Court ruled this week that the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed on government property.
They ruled that religious expression should be restricted to places of worship, private residences, and U.S. foreign policy.
Scientists in Pittsburgh recently raised a dog from the dead.
Next they plan to test the technique out on humans by trying to bring the Yankees back to life.
Next week NASA is going to try to crash a probe into comet Tempel 1.
They've got a team of experienced experts to carry out the mission. For example, they've hired Billy Joel to crash the probe into the comet.
Logo, the first cable channel for gays and lesbians, debuts this week.
I believe that prior to this the only gay programming on TV was “Dancing with the Stars.”
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June 27, 2005.
Web Posted at: 9:00 am UTC
MONDAY: It was a hot weekend here in New York City.
It was so hot here in New York that yesterday at the Gay Pride Parade I sweated completely through two pairs of leather chaps.
MONDAY: It was so hot in New York City this weekend that the Yankees were glad to get a cool reception from their fans.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Derek Jeter turned 31 yesterday.
Let's see, he's 31 years old, he's tough as mails and he costs a fortune – just like the Yankee Stadium hot dogs.
FRIDAY: This weekend is the Fourth of July.
Every Fourth of July I have the whole family over to my house so we can watch the fireworks, which usually begin after Mom has her third margarita
FRIDAY: I always love the Fourth of July weekend.
Because, really, what says good safe family fun more than alcohol, open flame and small explosives?
FRIDAY: This weekend is the Fourth of July.
This year we're celebrating the country's 229th birthday – no wait, I'm sorry, that's Joan Rivers.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Pamela Anderson turns 38 today.
She celebrated with her two bundles of joy – and her kids too.
FRIDAY: Yesterday here in New York they auctioned off many of Marlon Brando's personal effects.
Not everything was auctioned off. For example, his old pants were donated for use as temporary homeless shelters.
Saddam Hussein has written a novel that's about to be published.
He's already got plans to promote the book – next week he'll be on with Tony Danza via satellite making spaghetti carbonara.
His publishers say the book's almost ready; all they need to do is take a picture of him in his underwear for the dusk jacket.
Saddam Hussein's new novel is supposedly an autobiographical story.
It's about an Arab sheik who's battling an addiction to salted snack foods.
Religious hard liner Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was elected president of Iran last week.
I believe he's the first religious hard liner to win a presidential election since George Bush.
Here in New York City there's a new musical about Martha Stewart.
They haven't decided who's going to play Martha yet; they're having trouble finding somebody who can sing and dance and use a knife.
The U.S. government says it's going to resume production of plutonium 238, a highly radioactive power source.
Experts estimate the production will generate 50,000 drums of radioactive waste over the next 30 years, or roughly the same amount of toxic trash as FOX.
A new love poem by a famous Greek lesbian, Sappho, has been discovered and published.
Here's how the poem begins, “There once was a woman named Rosie... ”
Congratulations to Shaquille O'Neal for earning his MBA last week.
Shaq said getting his MBA was hard, it was thankless and he was glad it was over; in other words it was just like playing with Kobe Bryant.
He said he studied whenever he wasn't sweating on a basketball court, like during airplane flights, after games and when he was playing the Knicks.
Congratulations to Roger Ebert for getting a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame last week.
He's said it was one of the happiest moments of his life, right up there with his first trip to Wendy's.
Madonna has given her eight-year-old daughter a credit card with a $10,000 limit to teach her about money.
Not only that, but she's also cast her in her next movie to teach her about embarrassing herself.
British Prime Minister Tony Blair's son Euan is going to be an intern for Republican congressmen.
He said he's looking forward to learning all about how to fix an election from the experts.
There's a new line of sneakers out made from crocodile and ostrich skins with diamonds on them that can cost as much as $4,000 a pair.
The company that makes them says they're aimed at people who don't want to play a sport but just want to stand around looking good – like the Knicks.
Paul Winchell, the voice of Tigger the tiger, died at the age of 82.
You all remember Tigger, of course. He was Winnie the Pooh's friend and was a favorite character of young children – and our current president.
The University of Connecticut is now offering a degree in homeland security.
They say it will be a rigorous program offering classes in disaster management, disease outbreak and advanced color theory.
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June 23, 2005.
Web Posted at: 8:30 am UTC
Saddam Hussein's prison guards say he's addicted to Doritos.
He'd better watch out or the next thing you know he'll be addicted to Hot Pockets.
Geologists in Greece have discovered an animal graveyard of three-million-year-old fossils.
They say the only place that has more ancient fossils is “60 Minutes.”
Here in New York City this week a 17-ton ice popsicle made melted all over Union Square.
I believe that means that I am once again the biggest sucker in New York.
E! announced this week that they've canceled The Howard Stern TV show.
You know what that means – ten lesbians dwarves are now out of work.
Jack Kilby, the inventor of the microchip, has died at the age of 81.
Experts say he's the person most responsible for computers and the Internet, other than Al Gore.
This weekend Mercury, Venus and Saturn will appear right next to each other in the sky.
Astronomers say this will be the first time the planets are in perfect alignment since the Red Sox won the World Series.
A drunk guy stole an airplane in Connecticut yesterday and flew with two passengers to New York and landed safely.
Not only that but he also served them an in-flight snack.
The bad news is he's been charged with possession of stolen property. The good news is he begins regular hourly flights out of Teterboro next week.
An 11-year-old boy who was lost in the woods in Utah for four days was found alive and unharmed this week.
That's amazing considering all the dangers in the Utah woods: bears, dehydration, Mormons...
A luxury store in Paris refused to let Oprah Winfrey into their store last week.
Note to France: if you think Hitler was mean, just watch out!
If they're not careful, this is the kind of thing that could give the French the reputation for being kind of snooty.
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June 22, 2005.
Web Posted at: 11:30 am UTC
More information is coming out about Saddam Hussein from his prison guards.
So far, here's what we know about him: he likes Ronald Reagan, Doritos and long, lazy walks on the beach.
Last night on NBC Katie Couric interviewed the runaway bride.
Did you see her? She looked sad, she looked desperate, she looked confused – and the runaway bride didn't look good either.
The world's first solar sail spacecraft, Cosmos 1, was launched earlier this week.
The way it works is it's so thin it can be pushed along just by sunlight; it's the same way Calista Flockhart gets around.
It's Gay Pride week here in New York City.
Everybody's in New York is showing their gay pride this week. Earlier today over in Central Park I saw a squirrel showing off his nuts.
Here's how I celebrated Gay Pride Week; earlier tonight I watched “Dancing with the Stars.”
An 11-year-old boy who was lost in the woods in Utah for four days was found alive yesterday.
He was taken to the hospital where he was immediately administered food, water and video games.
President Bush accepted an invitation yesterday from the prime minister of Vietnam to visit that country in 2006.
That's pretty surprising, since he declined his last invitation to go to Vietnam.
Celebrity birthdays: Ed Bradley from “60 Minutes” turns 64 today.
The “60 Minutes” crew threw him a party and had a girl jump out of Andy Rooney's eyebrows.
There's a new book out about the Clintons that says Bill is cheating on Hillary again.
Apparently all the signs are there – he's spending a lot more time at his desk.
The NBA and its player's union have agreed on a new collective bargaining agreement.
This means there won't be a lockout next season; more bad news for Knicks fans.
A house on Long Island here in New York just sold for $90 million.
I believe that's the most anybody has paid for a freestanding structure since the Yankees signed Jason Giambi.
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June 21, 2005.
Web Posted at: 11:45 am UTC
Today is the first day of summer.
So for all you tourists coming to town remember, from now through September, you'll pay peak prices for a hooker.
That means it's the longest day of the year that doesn't involve dinner with your family.
This week is Gay Pride Week here in New York City and everybody's pretty excited about it
Today on my way to work my cab driver was wearing a rainbow colored turban.
This week is Gay Pride Week here in New York City.
Everywhere you look there are people in flamboyant costumes listening to weird music – it's like one long Elton John concert.
Saddam Hussein's prison guards say he's offered them fatherly advice and that he's addicted to Cheetos and Doritos.
In other words he's the Iraqi version of Dr. Phil.
Saddam Hussein's prison guards say that he's a clean freak who uses diaper wipes to clean his meal trays and utensils before eating.
He says it's just a little trick he read in “Martha Stewart Living.”
Saddam Hussein's prison guards say that he refuses to eat Froot Loops.
Apparently he refuses to eat anything President Bush likes to eat.
Saddam Hussein's prison guards say that his favorite breakfast food is Raisin Bran.
That explains why he was caught in that spider hole: he'd gone back for those two scoops of raisins.
Here in Manhattan there was a 25-by-15-foot sinkhole on 56th Street this week.
They say it's the biggest sinkhole in New York City, other than the Yankees.
Earlier today in Washington President Bush met with the Prime Minister of Vietnam, Phan Van Khai.
Or as President Bush calls him, General Gao.
It was the first meeting between the president and a Vietnamese leader since the end of the war. I believe it's also the first time George Bush has ever shown up for a meeting with the Vietnamese.
New York City has been ranked the 13th costliest city in the world.
The good news is we're number one if you include the price of a hooker.
Celebrity birthdays: England's Prince William turns 23 today.
He got a lovely birthday present from the queen – and Prince Charles' mother got him a nice gift too.
A 95-year-old Japanese man set a new world record for the 100-meter dash this week.
The bad news is after the race he tested positive for Cialis.
Scientists in the Netherlands have found that women's brains are inactive during an orgasm.
They also found that men's brains are inactive during an orgasm – and pretty much all the rest of the time too.
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June 20, 2005.
Web Posted at: 11:00 am UTC
MONDAY: Yesterday was Father's Day and today I'm wearing the present my son Harry gave me.
Can you tell what it is? That's right – he got me a new set of teeth.
MONDAY: Yesterday for Father's Day I was treated to my favorite breakfast in bed: orange juice, coffee and a Lipitor omelet.
MONDAY: The phone company says that Father's Day is one of the busiest calling days of the year.
And that's just based on the calls from Mick Jagger's.children.
MONDAY: Yesterday was Father's Day and at 12:01 am the Bush Twins called President Bush to give him their annual drunken Father's Day wishes.
MONDAY: Michael Jackson's kids got him a nice Father's Day gift: it was a mug that says “World's Creepiest Dad.”
MONDAY: Michael Jackson's family threw a celebration party at California casino over the weekend.
Michael wasn't there, of course, since it was a 21 and over party.
MONDAY: Over the weekend I took mom to see “Batman Begins.”
Half way through the movie mom turns to me and says, “David, when does he turn into Darth Vader?”
MONDAY: There are rumors that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner got married over weekend.
It looks like the rumors might be true: they've already talking divorce.
FRIDAY: Over in Iran today they had a runoff election for president between Akbar Hashemi Rafsanjani and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
The winner will be president for the next four years – or until President Bush has him overthrown.
Porter Goss, the director of the CIA, said this week that he has an excellent idea where Osama bin Laden is hiding.
However, he says he has no idea where the Yankees pitching went.
Over in Iran this week they had their presidential elections.
In Iran they have a democratically elected president who answers to religious leaders. It's the same system we have here.
There's a new video out from Osama bin Laden's top lieutenant, Ayman al-Zawahiri.
Experts say they know it was made recently because he calls for death to the Iraqi occupiers and the Michael Jackson jury.
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have gotten engaged.
I believe this will be her first marriage and his third divorce.
Tom Cruise was squirted in the face with water during a fake interview this week.
He was pretty angry. He was so angry after it happened that he was barely able to declare his love for Katie Holmes.
Over in Switzerland this week somebody paid $18,000 for a bar of soap made from fat removed from Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi.
I believe this most interest generated by something to come out of a president's body since Bill Clinton.
Forbes Magazine has named Oprah Winfrey the most powerful celebrity.
I was pretty excited because for the first time ever this year I moved past Carrot Top on the list.
Old Spice has come out with a list of the Sweatiest Cities in America.
There was a tie for first place: the Sweatiest City in America is either Phoenix or wherever Michael Moore is vacationing.
Celebrity birthdays: Donald Duck turns 71 this month.
I believe Donald Duck is America's favorite pant less character, other than Bill Clinton.
Later this month there's going to be an auction of Marlon Brando's belongings.
There are so many people interested in attending the auction they've decided to hold it under a tent made from a pair of his old pants.
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June 14, 2005.
Web Posted at: 11:10 am UTC
Yesterday in California Michael Jackson was found not guilty of all charges against him.
Michael celebrated quietly last night with Bubbles the chimp and the remains of the Elephant Man.
The jury in the Michael Jackson case said that the prosecution didn't prove that he molested anybody.
Here's how weak the prosecution's case was: the jury said they didn't even prove he was black.
The jurors in the Michael Jackson trial are finally back at home today.
You know what that means: twelve villages in California now have their idiots back.
Michael's whole family was with him in the courtroom yesterday to hear the verdict.
Let's see, there was Tito, LaToya, Jermaine and Obi Wan.
After the verdict was read Michael went right home.
He said he just couldn't wait to go home and dangle his children.
Sources close to Michael Jackson say that he's in real financial trouble.
Here's how hard up for cash Michael is: earlier today, he put all of his former noses for sale on eBay.
After the verdict was read Michael got congratulatory phone calls from O.J. Simpson and Robert Blake.
Now that the Michael Jackson case is over L.A. prosecutors say they're moving on.
They say they'll now focus all their energy on blowing the Phil Spector case.
A new video of Saddam Hussein was released this week in which he's questioned by Iraqi judges.
Apparently in the video Iraqi officials catch Saddam in more lies – he claims he only wears boxers.
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June 9, 2005.
Web Posted at: 10:45 am UTC
Today is day four of jury deliberations in the Michael Jackson trial.
Here's how long these deliberations have been going on: since they began, Michael is already on his third nose.
It's been really hot and sticky here in New York City.
As a matter of fact the only thing stickier than the weather right now is the situation the Yankees are in.
A new report out says that John Kerry got slightly lower grades at Yale than President Bush did.
Earlier today John Kerry blamed it on grading irregularities.
A 500-year-old map of the Earth sold this week for $1 million.
Experts say it was the first map to use the word “America” and the first map nobody could figure out how to fold back up.
Madonna has published another children's book, called “Lotsa de Casha.”
She says this one is a lot like Dr. Suess, but with more lesbian kissing scenes.
A surfer in the water off the New Jersey coast was bitten by a great white shark this week.
New Jersey officials are pretty concerned; they say this is the kind of thing that could kill off the entire New Jersey surfing industry.
His doctors say he's really lucky – he could have easily been killed by that water.
Macaulay Culkin pleaded guilty yesterday to possessing marijuana and medication without a prescription last year in Oklahoma.
He still has no explanation for what he was doing in Oklahoma.
A previously unknown work composed by Johann Sebastian Bach in 1713 was discovered in a German library recently.
Experts say this the first musical relic to surface since the Rolling Stones announced their latest tour.
Researchers in London have discovered that a woman's ability to have an orgasm is genetic.
Wow. That's amazing – women can have orgasms?
McDonald's has given Ronald McDonald a newer, more modern look.
Apparently they gave him a queer clown makeover.
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June 8, 2005.
Web Posted at: 11:50 am UTC
It's been really hot and sticky here in New York City.
Today on my way to work my cab driver asked me if I'd like a moist cloth to wipe my forehead. I said yes so he handed me his turban.
Today was day three of deliberations for the Michael Jackson jury.
Here's how tense things are at Michael's house this week: Bubbles the chimp has started smoking again.
Out in California the jury in the Michael Jackson case is still deliberating.
I'm not sure if this is a good sign for Michael, but today they asked to see a transcript of the testimony of Bubbles the chimp.
U.S. customs officials at the Canadian border recently let a man into the country who showed up covered in blood carrying a sword, brass knuckles and a chain saw.
That guy's just lucky he wasn't carrying any illegal fruit.
Celebrity birthdays: Joan Rivers turns 72 today.
Have you seen her lately? She doesn't look that old; as mater of fact, she doesn't even look like Joan Rivers.
Celebrity birthdays: President Bush's mother Barbara Bush turns 80 today.
I thought this was nice: for her birthday President Bush offered to invade the country of her choice.
Howard Dean said this week that the Republicans are just a bunch of white Christians.
The Republicans are pretty made about it and they plan to respond just as soon as they can a non-white, non-Christian Republican.
Here in New York yesterday body parts fell from a South African Airways flight as it was trying to land.
The airline apologized and said they had no idea how it happened – those body parts were supposed to go to Chicago.
Apparently what happened was a crate of chili mix fell from the cargo hold.
Customs officials in Australia recently caught a woman trying to smuggle 51 fish into the country under her skirt.
What happened was the custom agents became suspicious and looked under her skirt and found a snapper – and then they found the fish.
The Sundance Channel announced they're developing a reality show about four college students who are getting sex change operations.
I'm thinking if I want to see somebody who's changed their sex on TV I'll just turn on the Michael Jackson trial.
Lindsay Lohan says that she's done being a party girl.
She says she's finally ready to settle down and get divorced.
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June 7, 2005.
Web Posted at: 11:50 am UTC
Boy was it hot and sticky in New York City today.
It was so hot today that down at Flashdancers several dancers got rug burn from the pole.
It was so hot today out on Broadway I saw a bunch of rats bust open a fire hydrant.
Out in California the jury in the Michael Jackson trial deliberated for a second day today.
Apparently they're having trouble reaching a decision – should they sell their story to Court TV or Lifetime?
There's a new report out now that says that John Kerry and George Bush got the same grades in college.
Of course, only one of them can remember college.
Sources say that Saddam Hussein's morale has collapsed and that he's depressed.
They say he's taking Bo Bice's loss on “American Idol” pretty hard.
Over in Iraq the list of official charges against Saddam Hussein have been released.
He's been charged with crimes against humanity like executing political rivals, invading Kuwait and not turning his cell phone off in the theater.
Russell Crowe was arrested this week for assaulting a hotel employee with his cell phone.
Police say Crowe was calm and cooperative – until he made his one phone call.
The Supreme Court ruled yesterday that people who get marijuana prescribed by a doctor can be subject to federal prosecution.
Hostess is appealing the decision.
Former Beatle Paul McCartney is writing a children's book.
He says it'll have all the things that he looks for in a children's book – like large print.
Scientists in Australia announced last week that they've discovered a new planet in the Milky Way galaxy.
They say it's a gaseous planet about 1,000 times the size of Earth, which means it's the largest body of hot air in the galaxy – other than Rush Limbaugh.
The government announced this week that they're concerned about terrorists targeting school cafeteria food.
They're telling kids if your school lunch smells really bad and tastes awful – then everything's normal.
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June 6, 2005.
Web Posted at: 10:55 am UTC
MONDAY: The jury in the Michael Jackson trial started deliberations today.
Or, as they cal in Los Angeles, going through the motions.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Angelina Jolie had a birthday on Saturday.
She had a cake with 30 candles on it – one for each marriage she's broken up.
MONDAY: Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld was in Asia this weekend.
It was a successful trip – he only alienated five more countries.
Last week W. Mark Felt admitted that he was “Deep Throat” in the Watergate scandal.
That's amazing, because for years people in Washington have been trying to find out who Deep Throat was – like Bill Clinton.
NASA scientists have succeeded in freeing the Mars rover Opportunity from a sand dune where it had been stuck for five weeks.
I believe the rover is the most expensive thing ever to go this long without going anywhere – other than the Yankees.
U.S. soldiers in Iraq recently found a 500,000 square-foot underground bunker used by Iraqi insurgents.
They say they know the bunkers were used recently because the TV still had the “American Idol” finale on TiVo.
Paris Hilton has gotten engaged to her boyfriend Paris Latsis.
Planning is well underway – she's already picked out a videographer for the wedding night.
Vice President Dick Cheney said last week that the U.S. will pull out of Iraq by 2009.
I believe that's also the same year that Republicans will be pulling out of the White House.
Christian Slater was arrested for groping a woman on the street in New York last week.
He says he didn't do it, but apparently his story wasn't believable – just like his acting.
NASA says that the Voyager I spacecraft has left the solar system.
They say it's 8.7 billion miles away, meaning it's just far enough away to escape the gravitational force of Star Jones.
Good news: The smoking rate here in New York City is at its lowest level in 20 years.
Everybody here in New York is trying to quit smoking. Earlier today I saw a rat wearing a nicotine patch.
Murder, rape and robberies here in New York City are all down again this year.
The only type of crime that's up here in New York are the cab fares.
Rod Stewart and his fiancée Penny Lancaster announced that they're expecting their first child.
They say they're going to have the child naturally, which means the only drugs allowed in the delivery room will be his Lipitor.
Britney Spears says that since she became pregnant she's having the best sex of her life.
Today her husband, Kevin Federline, said if he ever finds the guy, he'll kill him.
Neil Armstrong is suing a barber who sold some of his hair trimmings for $3,000.
$3,000. Hell, that's more than I paid for MY hair.
Sharp announced last week that they're going to begin selling a 65-inch liquid crystal television later this year.
Finally, a TV big enough to show all of Kirstie Alley.
A man in West Virginia was injured recently after a toilet he was sitting on exploded.
What are the odds of that – somebody in West Virginia owning a toilet?
A rare 1913 Liberty Head nickel was recently sold for $4 million.
They say there are only five of these things in the world and each one is worth several million dollars – just like J. Lo's engagement rings.
A baggage handler at La Guardia airport fell asleep in a cargo bin last week and woke up in Detroit.
Here's the strange part: he was supposed to go to Miami.
Kelley Osbourne is back in drug rehab.
The bad news is this is her second trip to rehab. The good news is her next trip is free.
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