Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show
From
July 2003 until
October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the
LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN.
I wrote and submitted about
10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used.
But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get
paid for it!
Dave is one of my top two
all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It
never, ever got old.
This section displays
all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is).
Use the
archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the
search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.
Jokes highlighted in
bold were
used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention.
You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by
Jay and
Carson and
Jimmy) on my
Late Night Jokes page.
Enjoy!
April 28, 2005.
Web Posted at: 10:30 am UTC
THURSDAY: Earlier tonight President Bush held a nationally televised press conference.
Which means that for one night I'm not the least articulate person on TV.
THURSDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Saddam Hussein turns 68 today.
In honor of his birthday his guards surprised him with an extra flea dip.
THURSDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Jay Leno turns 55 today.
Every year on his birthday Jay blows out the candles on his cake – and in 2009 the job goes to Conan O'Brien.
THURSDAY: Yesterday in Washington the White House was evacuated after reports of an unidentified aircraft in the vicinity.
Just to be safe, the Secret Service rushed President Bush to a secure location – and then they rushed Vice President Dick Cheney to an even more secure location.
FRIDAY: I watched the “The Apprentice” last night. They're down to four contestants and the business tasks are getting more and more difficult.
On last night's show they had the two teams trying to come up with a new plan for Social Security.
New York City has been named one of the most depressed cities in America.
You can tell New Yorkers are depressed. Today I was at the drug store and I saw a rat buying Prozac.
This week in the Michael Jackson trial Michael's ex-wife Debbie Rowe took the stand for the prosecution.
Well that's one witness the defense should have no problem proving is insane.
This week President Bush outlined his latest plan to solve our energy problems.
Without going into details, it involves President Bush spending a lot more time holding hands with Crown Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia.
Martha Stewart's probation officer is investigating whether she violated the rules of her home confinement by attending a ball in Manhattan last week.
She claims it was a work-related event – she was just collecting insider information.
Bad news here in New York City: iPod thefts on the subway are way up.
I've got a foolproof way to keep people from stealing my iPod: I only keep it filled with Clay Aiken songs.
In France this week the new Airbus A380 superjumbo jet, the biggest passenger jet ever, had it's maiden test flight.
Later this year they'll put it through much more strenuous tests by taking Kirstie Alley on a flight.
Pat O'Brien was released from rehab this week.
In response, today AT&T raised the terror alert level.
Earlier this week U.S. customs agents arrested a man for trying to smuggle 800 pounds of bologna from Mexico.
President Bush said that this proves we're winning the war against illegal lunchmeat.
Martha Stewart is going to have her own show on satellite radio.
She says it'll be a lot like Howard Stern's show, but dirtier.
She says it will offer tips on home decorating, entertaining, and insider trading.
A woman in San Francisco is opening a “Whore College.”
In the summer students will intern in Times Square.
A zoo in South Africa is trying to get one of their monkeys to stop smoking.
Apparently the monkey took up smoking when he was trying to quit drinking.
Sources in England say that Prince Harry lacks basic computer skills.
He says it's not his fault; apparently, computer skills weren't emphasized in his Hitler Youth classes.
A new study by Esquire magazine finds that American women wait longer to have sex with a man than women in other countries.
Apparently the average American woman likes to wait to have sex with a man until they've had at least five dates – or until she's been his teacher for at least one semester.
Two elderly men both died of a heart attack within minutes of each other this week while they were out hunting together.
What happened was the first guy dropped dead while they were hunting and then the second guy dropped dead trying to strap the first guy to the hood of his car.
Earlier this week in Texas President Bush met with Crown Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia.
It's always big news when an oil prince meets with the leader of Saudia Arabia.
People in Chicago have set up a shrine in an expressway underpass where they claim a yellow stain is an image of the Virgin Mary.
They're calling it “The Miracle of the Urine.”
Elton John says that he's going to marry his partner David Furnish.
We don't know yet where or when the wedding will be, but we do know that there will be a cheesy lounge singer at the reception.
Scientists have discovered the reason that some kernels of popcorn don't pop.
However, they still don't know what's in that “butter flavored topping.”
Al-Jazeera announced last week that they're launching their own version of C-Span.
Finally, Arabs will have their own channel covering political, social and cultural issues that they can ignore.
Ben Affleck got engaged last week to Jennifer Garner.
This is the second engagement ring he's bought in a year. You know what that means – his next one is free.
The city of Turin, Italy has passed a new law requiring dog owners to walk their pets at least three times a day.
Under the new law they're also required to put a slice of lemon in the toilet water.
[
link |
comment]
April 14, 2005.
Web Posted at: 10:45 am UTC
Tomorrow is tax day.
I'm all ready to do my taxes. Last night I divided all of my medical receipts into two piles: Lipitor and Viagra.
Today I saw a sure sign that it's tax season here in New York.
During lunch I was in Central Park and I saw a squirrel itemizing his nuts.
Twinkies are 75 years old this month.
Kirstie Alley celebrated quietly with a few close friends.
New York City has been named one of the “10 Buggiest Cities in the United States.”
You can tell the bugs here are out of control. Today I saw a rat putting on bug spray.
Britney Spears announced this week that she's pregnant.
She says she's really looking forward to lip syncing the baby to sleep.
The New York Public Library is selling 19 works of art in order to raise money.
I was at the library today and you can tell they're hurting for cash. They've replaced the whole rare books section with a bank of slot machines.
Former President Bill Clinton announced this week that he's donating $10 million to AIDS prevention.
He's pledged to donate $1 each time he has sex.
Archaeologists in Great Britain say they've found the remains of a 2,000 year-old rabbit that had been butchered and buried.
Experts say it may very well be the earliest example ever found of bad English food.
Japan is giving its prisoners more brightly colored clothing to cheer them up.
What they did was they went to Kmart and picked out some stuff from Martha Stewart's new line of prison clothes.
A new study finds that Americans watch an average of four hours and 28 minutes of TV a day.
Experts say this is a real problem because if this trend continues, Americans may soon have no time left for pornography.
Paris Hilton has started selling jewelry that she designed for her dog Tinkerbell.
She's planning a whole line of products targeted at dogs. This fall she'll be releasing a Tinkerbell sex video.
[
link |
comment]
April 13, 2005.
Web Posted at: 9:25 am UTC
This Friday is tax day.
Every year at this time, I go through the same thing: my stomach starts to hurt and I start getting a headache and the shakes – and then I quit eating at the Hello Deli.
Britney Spears confirmed yesterday that she's pregnant.
She said she and her husband Kevin Federline are very excited – and she said the father is pretty excited too.
Here in New York City this month they've begun running fully automated subway trains.
I rode one of those trains on my way to work this morning and I was mugged by a computer.
Billy Joel checked out of the Betty Ford Center on Sunday.
In response yesterday the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration raised their terror alert level to red.
Over in Rome this week thousands of people have been filing by the tomb of Pope John Paul II.
Officials say there say they haven't seen this many people file past a dead body since Joan Rivers' last red carpet show at the Oscars.
This week the World Health Organization has told laboratories around the world to destroy samples of a deadly flu virus to prevent a global health crisis.
Just to be safe, they've also ordered Courtney Love to be permanently quarantined.
Sony has announced that they're developing technology to add smells to movies.
Ooooh, great! I've always wanted to know what Michael Moore smells like.
Sony has announced that they're developing technology to that will allow movie audiences to have the sensation of being touched.
I'm thinking if I want to be touched when I'm watching a movie, I'll just go see something in Times Square.
A new study by the University of Connecticut finds that food from cloned animals is just as safe as food from normal animals.
So the bottom line is that a Big Mac made from a cloned cow will make your ass just as fat as one made from a regular cow.
The University of Illinois at Chicago is getting $5 million to study whether beer can help relieve the symptoms of menopause.
The early results are inconclusive for women, but it looks like beer definitely helps men get through menopause.
This week state lawmakers in West Virgina voted to make English the official state language.
You know what that means – people in West Virginia now have to learn English.
There's a town in California that's built the world's tallest thermometer, 134 feet tall.
That's just what this country needs – the world's largest unstable repository of mercury.
[
link |
comment]
April 12, 2005.
Web Posted at: 11:35 am UTC
Happy birthday to me today!
It was 58 years ago today that my parents officially ruined their lives.
Earlier today I celebrated by using my AARP discount to hire a hooker/
For my birthday my mom treated me to dinner using her AARP discount.
It's the same thing I'm going to do for her on her next birthday.
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld made a surprise visit to Iraq today.
He was there to boost the soldiers' morale and strip a few prisoners naked.
Yesterday a judge refused to release Martha Stewart from home confinement.
Martha's pretty mad about it. In fact she said she's definitely crossing that judge's name off of her next dinner party guest list.
Yesterday in Washington the police tackled and arrested a man at the Capitol who was spotted standing between two suitcases doing nothing.
At first when the police saw a man at the Capitol standing around doing nothing in the middle of the day, they assumed he was just another congressman.
After that they spotted an old lady who was sitting on a park bench feeding the pigeons and they wrestled her to the ground.
Mike Tyson announced this week that he's going to fight again on June 11.
This will be the first time in almost a year that he'll be knocked out.
Congratulations to Chelsea Cooley from North Carolina who was crowned Miss U.S.A. during Donald Trump's Miss U.S.A. pageant last night.
After she won, they put this expensive, gaudy looking thing on her head – no wait, that was Donald Trump's hair.
As part of her duties she'll spend the next twelve months fighting off Donald Trump's advances.
The San Diego Zoo announced this week that their two giant pandas Bai Yun and Gao Gao have successfully mated.
Officials knew the pandas had successfully mated when they saw they saw them sharing a cigarette.
Officials say they knew Bai Yun was ready to mate because she was yelling, raising her tail and scraping pine tree bark onto her face.
It's the same way they knew that Rosie O'Donnel was ready to mate.
Panda experts say that the female panda is only receptive to mating for one or two days a year.
They say Bai Yun didn't mate last year because she had a headache.
There's a new study out that finds that fourteen percent of cell phone users say they've answered the phone in the middle of sex.
That's interesting because when I'm having sex I'm usually already on the phone.
The newly elected president of Iraq said this week that he expects U.S. troops will leave the country within two years.
That's the good news. The bad news is they'll be next door in Iran.
One of the contestants on “The Apprentice” was arrested last night for disorderly conduct.
He said it was really awful being surrounded by so many crazy people – and he said jail was scary too.
This week President Bush released the list of songs he has on his iPod.
Based on his playlist we know now that he's a big fan of country music, classic rock, and the Wiggles.
There's a town in California that's built the world's tallest thermometer, 134 feet tall.
They say they built it to attract tourists – and to take Kirstie Alley's temperature.
[
link |
comment]
April 11, 2005.
Web Posted at: 10:35 am UTC
Prince Charles married Camilla Parker Bowles on Saturday, after delaying it for one day so that he can attend the funeral of Pope John Paul II on Friday.
He decided what's the difference? Either way he'd spend Friday with a wrinkled up old body.
President Bush attended the funeral of Pope John Paul II on Italy on Friday.
President Bush said it was important that America be represented by her chief executive, but that Dick Cheney was too busy to attend.
Prince Charles wore a tartan kilt during his wedding to Camilla Parker Bowles on Saturday.
Everybody was happy with the weather; it was sunny and warm and there were no strong breezes.
Which makes him the only person in that family to wear a skirt.
I believe that makes him the first celebrity to wear a skirt at his wedding since – David Gest.
In Washington the Secret Service is protecting a duck that's nesting outside the Treasury Department.
The Secret Service guys have to stand around all day watching him do nothing but sleep, eat or take a bath – it's the same thing they do for President Bush.
Yesterday John Kerry accused the Republicans of using trickery and intimidation to prevent many voters in last year's presidential election from voting.
Coincidentally, that's also the same way they got us into the Iraq war.
This weekend the University of Wisconsin displayed what they called the oldest thing ever found on the Earth.
What it was was a 4.4 billion years old tiny chunk of Joan Rivers.
Celebrity birthdays: Hugh Hefner turned 79 on Saturday.
In honor of his birthday he was awarded a lifetime achievement award from the makers of Viagra.
In Los Angeles last week workers unearthed the skeleton of a well-preserved 500,000 year-old mammoth.
Scientists say they haven't seen a specimen in Los Angeles this old and well preserved since Cher.
Wal-Mart has started offering “Singles Shopping” as a way for singles to meet.
Shopping for a date at Wal-Mart is a lot like shopping for other things at Wal-Mart – everything is cheap and low class.
Sean “P. Diddy” Combs has been ordered to pay $21,000 a month in child support to an ex-girlfriend.
$21,000 a month is nothing to P. Diddy. Hell, that's just shooting around town money to him.
The producers of “Sesame Street” announced last week that starting next season the show will emphasize healthy eating.
So, for example, the Cookie Monster won't eat as many cookies and they won't have Star Jones on as a guest any more.
The Post Office is going to ask Congress to raise the price of a stamp to 39 cents.
It wouldn't take effect until next year because that's how long it'll take the letter to get to Congress.
An airline in Texas announced last week that they're going to offer a Mile High Club, where couples can have sex on an airplane.
The service is already such a big hit that former President Bill Clinton signed up for the inaugural flight.
Previous to this the only place you could have sex on an airplane was Air Force One.
Here in New York City last week a Chinese food deliveryman was trapped for three days in an elevator.
He's being treated for dehydration and an overdose of MSG.
FRIDAY: Today is April 15th, the day income taxes are due.
Every year I do mom's taxes and every year I have the same problem – I never know how to report her gambling losses.
[
link |
comment]
April 7, 2005.
Web Posted at: 10:30 am UTC
Today is Secretaries Day.
Former President Clinton gave his secretary flowers today. She found them this morning under his desk.
Scientists working in the Atlantic Ocean say they've drilled a hole more than four thousand feet below the ocean floor.
They say this is the deepest hole somebody's ever dug for themselves, behind Michael Jackson.
A Harvard University professor has been arrested for stealing a load of manure from a farm.
When he was questioned by the police about it he said it was all just a load of crap.
Scientists now say that a 6 million year old skull that was discovered several years ago is human, making it the oldest human ancestor ever found.
They confirmed it was human when Joan Rivers identified it as one of her uncles.
Hunter S. Thompson's family has announced that his ashes will be shot from a cannon mounted inside a 53-foot-high sculpture of a fist this summer.
Coincidentally, that's the same kind of funeral the Pope had originally asked for.
A former member of the boy band 98 Degrees says he's going to run for mayor of Cincinnati.
Let's see, he's got no practical experience in the real world and he's spent most of his life partying. Hell, he's presidential material.
A new study by the University of Washington finds that the more television that 4-year-olds watch, they more likely they are to become bullies.
That's not surprising. I've often wanted to beat somebody up after watching “Barney.”
KFC is being sued for false advertising by some consumers who say the Mini Fillet chicken sandwich is smaller than advertised.
Apparently they didn't have a problem with KFC claiming it was made from chicken.
A condo project in Fort Lauderdale, Florida is installing a completely automated, robotic parking garage.
They say the robotic system is much more efficient than human parking attendants – it can key a lot more cars in an hour.
Rapper and convicted murderer C-Murder has changed him name to C Miller, because he thinks it gives people the wrong impression about him.
He says he doesn't want to be judged by such superficial things as his name or the fact that he's a convicted murderer.
[
link |
comment]
April 6, 2005.
Web Posted at: 11:00 am UTC
This weekend was the beginning of Passover.
Most people don't know that I celebrate Passover every year. Passover is the reason I'm working at CBS.
Al Gore announced recently that his new cable channel is going to be targeted at 18-34 year-olds.
Which makes sense, really, because who's more in touch with 18-34 year-olds than Al Gore?
Japan has started offering women-only cars on commuter trains to protect them from gropers.
Here in New York City we have a similar thing: every subway car is labeled as either groping or non-groping.
NASA announced this week that they're going to end support for the Voyager spacecraft, which has been operating in space for 28 years.
The only thing that's operated in outer space longer than Voyager is Michael Jackson.
UPN has announced that they're going to air a six part series about Britney Spears's wedding.
They're pretty excited about it because they expect it to be a continuing series.
Britney Spears and her husband are going to star in a reality show.
It's going to be called “The Simple Minded Life.”
A Harvard University librarian who said Harvard turned her down for a promotion because she's was too sexy has lost her lawsuit.
Apparently the jury couldn't get past exhibit A: she's a librarian.
A middle school student in Ohio has been suspended for bringing caffeine-laced mints to school.
He's suspended for 10 days, after which he can resume having sex with his teachers.
Eminem and 50 Cent have announced that they're going to tour together this summer.
In response, the Department of Homeland Security has raised the terror alert level to red.
Several students at the University of Florida were recently bitten by bats.
The students are all right, but now the bats are suffering from alcohol poisoning.
[
link |
comment]
April 5, 2005.
Web Posted at: 12:00 pm UTC
Last night was the first night of Passover.
My family isn't Jewish but every year during Passover my mom only drinks kosher margaritas.
They held the National Football League draft here in New York this weekend.
The draft is when the best, most talented college football players are picked by NFL teams – and then there are the guys selected by the Jets.
Here in New York recently they auctioned off 100 sets of seats from Yankee Stadium.
The seats were the last ones left from the 1970s, which means the only part of Yankee Stadium left from the 1970s now are the hot dogs.
Google, the big Internet search engine, has a new online service that will show you the exact location of all the cabs in New York City.
And that works then they'll try the same thing with the hookers.
A woman in Myanmar has offered to breast feed to Bengal tiger cubs that have been separated from their mother.
Zoo officials say they're not sure if human milk is good for the tigers, but they say the cubs sure seem happy.
Police in Indiana found ten year old undelivered mail in the home of postal worker.
He said it wasn't his fault; nobody told him it was priority mail.
A blind Wisconsin man recently earned his M.D.
When he was asked why he wanted to become a doctor he said because it was way too stressful being an airline pilot.
Surgeons in North Carolina have attached a prosthetic paw to a cat.
The cat's doing well, but his owner is now in the hospital to have his head examined.
A new survey out shows that one-third of 9th graders intends to have oral sex within the next six months.
This shouldn't really alarm anybody. I intend to have oral sex all the time, but it doesn't mean it's going to happen.
The BBC recently sent an interview request to the late reggae star Bob Marley.
Every once in a while a network will try to interview a dead person. Just last week I saw Joan Rivers on TV.
[
link |
comment]
April 4, 2005.
Web Posted at: 11:10 am UTC
Pope John Paul II passed away this past weekend.
All of America joined the world in mourning the pope's death by making “Sin City” the number one movie.
Over in the Vatican this week they're busy trying to elect a new pope.
The way it works is, a small group of men will meet behind closed doors and pick the new pope from a couple of candidates. It's the same way George Bush became president.
Major League Baseball teams season officially opened their seasons this week.
Not only that, but the Mets also opened their season this week.
The Boston Red Sox opened their season this week against the Yankees.
The Red Sox are the champions now and you know what that means -it's going to be harder than ever to blow it this year.
The Mets opened their season this week.
Monday night in Cincinnati the Mets threw out the ceremonial first excuse.
Opening day of the baseball season is always a special day.
It's the only day of the year you can use the words “Mets” and “first place” in the same sentence.
Down in Washington, D.C. this season they have a baseball team again for the first time since 1971.
Some people aren't sure that baseball's going to succeed in Washington. Who's got the time and the money to go to 81 games a year – I mean, other than George Bush?
The New York Jets are going to build a new stadium here in Manhattan.
City officials say that the new stadium will create 7,000 new jobs – and that's just the hookers.
New York has been awarded the Super Bowl in 2010.
I'm thinking this could really be the thing that finally puts New York on the map.
Alex Sanchez of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays has been suspended for steroid use.
The good news is this shouldn't hurt their pennant hopes, since they didn't have any before.
Programming note: this show won't be on this Thursday and Friday because CBS will be showing the Master's golf tournament.
So that means in place of me, CBS will be showing a bunch of overpaid, rich white guys playing around – in other words you shouldn't notice any difference.
This Friday there's going to be a solar eclipse.
The eclipse will only be partial for most of the country, but a small part of the country will be see a total solar eclipse. To know whether you'll see a total eclipse, go out your door and see if Kirstie Alley is one of your neighbors.
A new study of the Koran finds that it predicts that the United States will cease to exist in 2007.
Finally, a solution to the Social Security problem.
NASA announced last week that they're going to deorbit the Hubble Space Telescope when its batteries run out.
What they're going to do is use a liquid-fueled motor to push the telescope safely into the ocean. It's the same thing they do when Michael Moore goes to the beach.
The United Arab Emirates is building what they claim will be the world's tallest building.
They won't say exactly how tall it will be – just that it'll be even higher than Courtney Love.
The Alaska Zoo is going to install a giant treadmill for one of their elephants in an effort to get her to lose some weight.
They had a hard time finding a treadmill large enough, until Kirstie Alley offered to let them borrow hers.
Ted Koppel announced this week that he will leave “Nightline” at the end of the year.
The good news for ABC is they've signed his hair to a new three-year contract.
The American Cancer Society said today that Americans could reduce the number of cancer deaths by 60% if we all ate healthier food and exercised more.
You know what that means – we'll never reduce the cancer rate.
Jane Fonda said last week that going to North Vietnam in 1972 was the biggest mistake she ever made.
Well, second biggest mistake, after having sex with Ted Turner.
[
link |
comment]
