From July 2003 until October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN. I wrote and submitted about 10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used. But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get paid for it!

Dave is one of my top two all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It never, ever got old.

This section displays all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is). Use the archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.

Jokes highlighted in bold were used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention. You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by Jay and Carson and Jimmy) on my Late Night Jokes page.

Enjoy!

Here in New York City the big problem now is potholes.

It happens every spring; the city streets are covered with big holes. The only thing in New York that has more holes this time of year are the Mets.

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Here in New York City the big problem now is potholes.

The problem is that during the winter the low temperatures and precipitation cause the road surfaces to crack and develop holes. So every spring a crew of workers fill in the holes and smooth out the surfaces. It's the same thing they do with Cher.

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You can really tell it's springtime here in New York City because everybody's doing their spring cleaning.

Earlier today the New York cab drivers took their annual showers.

Down the street at Flashdancers they were airing out the dancers.

Down in Times Square city workers were power washing all the sand and salt off the hookers.

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Celebrity birthdays: Former Vice President Al Gore turns 57 today.

His wife Tipper says his memory is starting to go, so for his birthday she treated him to a memory upgrade.

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A woman in California went into a Wendy's and found a finger in her bowl of chili.

Apparently what happened was, she took a bite of her chili and bit into something tough and hard to chew – and then she bit into the finger.

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A British surfer fought off an attack by a great white shark off the coast of South Africa this week.

He said the shark had the scariest set of teeth he's ever seen – you know, outside of England.

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There are rumors now that Michael Jackson was a virgin until he was 32.

Good thing that didn't screw him up or anything.

He said he wanted to wait until he met that special someone's child.

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There's a new study out which finds that pregnancy among teenage girls has dropped significantly in the last ten years.

The reason is that most teenage boys are now having sex with their teachers.

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Ted Kennedy's former wife Joan Kennedy was found unconscious on a sidewalk in Boston at 3:00 yesterday morning.

Coincidentally, so was Ted Kennedy.

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Indianapolis Colts wide receiver Marvin Harrison allegedly put a chokehold on a boy who asked him for an autograph last month.

It was such an ugly incident that the Colts are considering trading him to the Indiana Pacers.

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Some beaches in Florida have been closed this week because hundreds of sharks have been spotted close to shore.

Florida officials say they haven't seen this many sharks at the beach since the last Association of Trial Lawyers convention.

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Mattel announced this week that Barbie would be writing a book about her life.

Obviously, Barbie wouldn't actually write the book – you know, because she's a blonde.

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Today I saw a sure sign it's springtime in New York City.

Over in Central Park I saw a couple of mob soldiers burying their winter kills.

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A woman in California went into a Wendy's and found a finger in her bowl of chili.

She was pretty angry about it; she'd asked for the finger on the side.

As soon as she found it she complained to the manager because the finger was undercooked.

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O.J. Simpson's defense lawyer Johnnie Cochran died yesterday at the age of 67.

Out of habit O.J. vowed to find the killers.

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First Lady Laura Bush was in Afghanistan this week to tour the country and meet President Hamid Karzai.

Mrs. Bush has a lot of experience meeting with world leaders who don't speak English – like her husband.

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Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are selling their penthouse apartment here in Manhattan for $11 million.

It's 6,000 square feet and comes with an eat-in closet.

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An airport baggage handler in Milwaukee was accidentally locked inside the cargo hold of an airplane and landed up in Philadelphia.

Per usual the airline screwed it up; he was supposed to go to Chicago.

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There are rumors now that Britney Spears is pregnant.

People who've seen her recently say her breasts have gotten bigger – and then there are the signs that she's pregnant.

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The world's oldest monkey in captivity died this week in Japan at the age of 52.

Just to put this in perspective, 52 for a monkey is the equivalent for humans of being Joan Rivers.

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A Boy Scout official in Texas was charged today with possession of child pornography.

On top of that he's also being charged with impersonating Michael Jackson.

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The city of San Francisco is now offering free vasectomies to clinically obese men.

Maybe it's just me but that sounds like a solution without a problem.

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Here in New York City yesterday there was a bomb scare in Times Square.

It turned out to be nothing but just to be safe for several hours the police completely closed off all access into or out of the hookers.

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First Lady Laura Bush was in Afghanistan today touring the country.

She was originally due to come home tomorrow, but earlier today Donald Rumsfeld extended her tour indefinitely.

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A woman in California went into a Wendy's and found a finger in her bowl of chili.

That's really not that unusual. I get the finger at Wendy's all the time.

She admitted it was her fault – she forgot to say, “Hold the finger.”

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Jennifer Anniston officially filed for divorce from Brad Pitt last week.

She says they have irreconcilable differences – they can't agree on whether he can sleep with Angelina Jolie.

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Yesterday the judge in the Michael Jackson trail ruled that the prosecution could introduce testimony about past allegations of child molestation against him.

It's looking bad for Michael. The prosecution has already subpoenaed several of his former noses.

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Burger King announced today that they're going to offer a new breakfast sandwich called the Enormous Omelet Sandwich, which has 730 calories and 47 grams of fat.

It's all part of their new advertising campaign “Have it Your Way, Fatty.”

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The Pentagon is spending $12 million to develop a robot that can perform surgery.

I believe this will be the most the government has spent on a robot since Al Gore.

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There are rumors now that Britney Spears is pregnant.

If that's true, you know what it means: she's lip-syncing for two now.

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P. Diddy has designed a new line of aluminum wheels for cars and trucks, called “Sean John Wheels.”

The wheels aren't flashy; in fact, P. Diddy guarantees they're not identifiable by a witness from a distance of more than 50 feet.

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Oprah Winfrey has purchased a 12-bedroom house in Hawaii that she's apparently going to rent out.

It will be a luxury accommodation The only drawback will be you have to share a bathroom with Dr. Phil.

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McDonald's is offering to pay hip-hop artists to mention Big Macs in their songs.

I'm thinking this could really be the thing that finally makes McDonald's a household name.

They're also offering to pay hip-hop artists who mention Big Macs around Kirstie Alley

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My mom was in town this weekend and we had the same schedule we do every Easter – 10:00 church; 11:00 margaritas.

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Experts estimated that more than 60 million chocolate bunnies would be sold in the U.S. this Easter.

And that was just for Kirstie Alley.

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At the White House earlier today they had the annual Easter Egg hunt on the South Lawn.

Or, as President Bush called it, “rescuing unwanted chicken embryos.”

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A woman in California went into a Wendy's and found a finger in her bowl of chili.

Wendy's says it was just a big mistake – she'd ordered the chili with the mouse.

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Whitney Houston is in rehab again.

The bad news is this is her second trip to rehab in less than a year. The good news is her next trip is free.

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Burger King is coming out with a new 730-calorie breakfast sandwich that's got one sausage patty, two eggs, two slices of cheese and three strips of bacon

It's going to be called the Kirstie Alley special.

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Scientists announced last week that they've found soft tissue on the fossils of a Tyrannosaurus rex.

They say the tissue is 70 million years old, making it the oldest tissue ever found on a skeleton – other than Joan Rivers.

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Police in Michigan are looking for man who robbed a bank last week that looks just like Michael Moore.

Apparently the resemblance is uncanny: he's big, he has a beard and a baseball cap – and he wrote his stick up note on the back of a Wendy's receipt.

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There's a guy here in New York City who's been smuggling his own painting into art museums around the city.

Now other people are starting to copy him. Earlier today I was at the Metropolitan Museum of Art and I saw a guy pretending to be a nude sculpture.

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Jennifer Anniston officially filed for divorce from Brad Pitt last week.

She claims they have irreconcilable superficial differences.

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FRIDAY JOKES

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I pulled my first April Fool's Day joke on my son Harry today.

I switched his diapers with mine.

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Somebody pulled an April Fool's Day joke on me this morning and I haven't figured out who it was yet, but it was a good one.

Somebody switched my Lipitor with my Viagra.

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The major league baseball season opens this weekend.

That's always exciting because, really, nothing says spring like watching a bunch of juiced up freaks chewing tobacco and scratching themselves.

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The Boston Red Sox and New York Yankees open the baseball season Sunday night here in New York.

I'm excited to watch and see if the Red Sox can get back to the their losing ways.

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The New York Mets open their season on Monday afternoon in Cincinnati.

First pitch is at 2:10; first error is at 2:30.

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It's been a month now since Martha Stewart got out of prison.

Don't kid yourself; home confinement isn't easy on her. Today it was so tough she had to have two massages just to get to sleep.

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Organizers of the Miss America pageant announced that they're going to hold the Miss America's Outstanding Teen pageant for girls 13 to 17 years old.

It'll basically be like a minor league for developing future wives for Donald Trump.

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According to newly released documents, a terror suspect being held in Guantanamo Bay helped Osama bin Laden escape from Tora Bora in 2001 when he was being hunted by the U.S. military.

He did such a good job of getting bin Laden out of that sticky situation that President Bush has asked him to help us get out of Iraq.

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Mickey Rourke said in a recent interview that he once gave his dog mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Unfortunately the dog didn't make it – he caught something from Mickey.

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Last week the Detroit Medical Center today became the world's first hospital to use robotic doctors.

They're pretty realistic – on their first day of use the robotic doctors all took off early to go golfing.

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Michael Jackson showed up late to his trial again yesterday and was crying in court, after he showed up late for court last week wearing his pajamas.

And he decided not to plead innocent by reason of insanity... why?

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Michael Jackson's lawyers have come up with a new sure-fire defense strategy.

This is pretty clever – they've asked the judge to up the charges to first-degree murder.

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A new report this week says that there are over 10 million undocumented immigrants in the United States.

The immigrants say they'll leave as soon as we're capable of self-cleaning.

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The British government said yesterday that Camilla Parker Bowles will have the title of queen once she marries Prince Charles and he becomes king.

That could make things uncomfortable – two queens in a marriage.

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A Georgia man claims he killed a hog last year that was 12 feet long and weighed 1,000 pounds.

What he did was he weighed the hog on his farm scale and then he hung it from a backhoe and measured its length. It's the same way they do Kirstie Alley's annual physical.

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Last night on MTV they had the final episode of “The Osbournes.”

Ozzy's wife Sharon said she's looking forward to new opportunities to exploit Ozzy.

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On last night's final episode the whole Osbourne family had a counseling session with Dr. Phil.

Earlier today Dr. Phil checked himself into rehab.

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Showtime says that Kirstie Alley's show “Fat Actress” is a hit and will probably be renewed for a second season.

This makes Kirstie Alley one of the biggest stars on TV – well, this and a lot of pizzas.

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NASA has developed a device that recycles a person's sweat into pure drinking water.

Scientists say this type of device could provide enough drinking water for the entire world from just Michael Moore and some Mexican food.

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Coca-Cola announced this week that they've developed a no-calorie drink called Coca-Cola Zero.

Coke is really going all out promoting this new drink. In fact, I believe this is the biggest deal a company has made about the debut of a zero since CBS hired me.

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It's officially springtime in New York.

It's that time of year in New York City when you can really start to smell the urine on the streets again.

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Last week in California Robert Blake was found not guilty of murdering his wife.

Experts said that according to California law the jury had to find him not guilty because there wasn't any direct physical evidence – and the fact that he still has his Screen Actors Guild card.

After the verdict was read, Blake showed a lot of emotion and looked visibly shaken. It was his best acting job in years.

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Robert Blake now says that he's broke and needs a job.

The good news is earlier today Martha Stewart offered him a job as a leg-breaker.

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Did you see Robert Blake during the trial? He was as white as a ghost and he looked quite frail. No, wait, I'm sorry, that was Michael Jackson.

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Scott Peterson was officially moved to death row last week and on his first day there he got proposals from two women.

Coincidentally, on his first day back on the streets Robert Blake killed two people.

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Last week in Washington Congress held hearing about the use of steroids in major League Baseball.

Congress is concerned that steroid use by major league players could trickle down to the non-professionals – like the Mets.

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Here in New York City those two hawks on Fifth Avenue laid eggs last week.

Lots of people witnessed it. In fact, I believe that was the most people to watch somebody lay an egg since I moved to CBS.

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CBS is going to make a TV movie about the last six years of Martha Stewart's life.

Producers say it'll be a combination of “Martha Stewart Living” and “Oz”.

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Celebrity birthdays: Rosie O'Donnell turns 43 today.

She celebrated with a few family and friends at Hooters.

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The National Hockey League is testing out a new ice surface colored powder blue with orange lines.

This is all part of their plans to give the league a queer makeover.

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WEDNESDAY JOKES

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Everybody here in New York City is gearing up for Easter.

Today on the way to work my cab driver was wearing a chocolate turban.

Today on the way to work my cab driver was serving jellybeans out of his turban.

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I've got big plans for Easter Sunday.

I'm going to be down on Fifth Avenue hiding hawk eggs.

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Every year on Easter I do the same thing for mom.

Before she gets up, I go around the house and hide her liquor bottles.

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This Sunday is Easter and I've got the whole family coming over.

Last year on Easter we had to rush my Uncle Earl to the hospital after he ate a whole bag of that plastic grass.

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The Easter Bunny is busy getting ready for the big day.

He's hired a bunch of temps to handle the extra load at Kirstie Alley's house.

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Here's a tip for all you tourists in New York City for Easter weekend.

The hookers are running their annual Easter weekend special: visit by Good Friday and you can come back in three days for free.

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Martha Stewart is already busy getting ready for Easter.

Today she started dyeing Easter eggs with her leftover tattoo ink.

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Cuban leader Fidel Castro is threatening to sue Forbes magazine for identifying him as one of the world's richest people.

That make sense; nothing tarnishes your reputation like being called rich and successful.

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A Brazilian company has developed the world's first airplane that runs on alcohol.

It's based on the same technology they used to power Ted Kennedy.

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Scientists in Idaho have discovered a new species of fairy shrimp.

Apparently these shrimp grow to be three inches long and they give other shrimp queer makeovers.

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Down in Washington a congressional committee has subpoenaed several current and former baseball players to testify about steroid use, but the players don't want to testify.

That's understandable because if there's one thing that strikes fear into the heart of a juiced up player, it's the prospect of being questioned by Dennis Kucinich.

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Bill Clinton had surgery last week to remove scar tissue and fluid that had built up around his left lung.

Apparently his lung capacity was reduced by 25 percent. It was so bad he barely had enough breath to make it through sex with an intern.

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Former President Bill Clinton left the hospital yesterday and is home recuperating from surgery last week.

Hillary says he's resting comfortably in bed and it shouldn't be long before he's back sleeping on the couch.

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Martha Stewart took part in an Internet chat with her fans last night.

She thanked them for their support while she was in prison by sharing some insider stock tips.

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Martha Stewart's net worth while she was in prison for insider trading has reportedly risen to over $1 billion.

In fact, her prison stay was so good for her bottom line that she's now considering taking up embezzling.

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Forbes magazine has added Martha Stewart to their list of billionaires for the first time.

That's not what she has in the bank; it's the amount she'd have if she illegally dumped all of her stock.

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A Virginia man pleaded not guilty yesterday to plotting to assassinate President Bush.

I believe this the first attempt on President Bush's life that didn't involve salted snack foods.

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Former NAACP President Kweisi Mfume announced yesterday that he's going to run for the Senate from Maryland in 2006.

President Bush had no comment on Mr. Mfume – for obvious reasons.

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A new study shows that President Bush had three times as much negative media coverage as John Kerry during last year's presidential campaign.

It all evened out in the end, though, because President Bush only understood about one third of his coverage.

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Yesterday at the Pentagon signs of anthrax were found on a piece of mail.

The good news is that means the military has finally found evidence of weapons of mass destruction.

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Celebrity birthdays: Liza Minelli turned 59 on Saturday.

She may be 59, but her friends say she still packs the punch of a 40 year-old.

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Martha Stewart was back at work last week after being released from prison.

She's been away so long, she's had to ease back into work. For example, she spent all day today relearning how to insider trade.

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Last week here on CBS Dan Rather retired as anchor of the CBS Evening News.

Bob Schieffer will now take over as anchor on an interim basis – and then the job goes to Conan O'Brien in 2009.

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Prince William fell from his horse playing polo this weekend, but he was uninjured.

Prince William loves horses, which makes sense since he father Prince Charles loves old nags.

I believe a world leader hasn't fallen off of something that big since – Bill Clinton.

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Michael Jackson showed up in court late last week wearing his pajamas.

Apparently it was because he had a sleepover that ran late.

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Sources in California are now saying that Michael Jackson is on the verge of bankruptcy.

Apparently it's true because earlier today the bank repossessed three of his noses.

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Former President Bill Clinton had surgery last week to fix complications from his recent heart bypass operation.

His doctor's say he's doing well but it will be a few weeks before he's able to date again.

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Former President Bill Clinton had to undergo surgery last week to relieve the build up of fluid that resulted from his heart bypass operation last year.

Relieving the build up of fluid – I believe that's what got him impeached in the first place.

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Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said this week that she hasn't ruled out running for president in 2008.

She figures, well hell, if George Bush can become president, why not her?

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60-year-old Rod Stewart has gotten engaged to his girlfriend, 33-year-old Penny Lancaster.

Apparently, they were at the top of the Eiffel Tower when he got down on one knee and said – “Penny, would you help me get up?”

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Rappers 50 Cent and The Game publicly announced last week that they've settled their dispute.

They said wanted to set an example for others. Are you listening Brad and Jen?

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Delta Air Lines announced last week that they're raising the price of alcoholic beverages on their flights.

It's really made some people angry. Today the pilots union threatened to go on strike.

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WEDNESDAY JOKES

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The big NCAA college basketball tournament starts tomorrow night.

It's amazing. They start with 64 entrants and after three weeks of competition they narrow it down to one winner. It's the same way Donald Trump picked his wife.

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Down in Washington this week, Congress is holding hearings about steroid use in baseball.

I believe there hasn't been this much talk about steroids in Washington since Janet Reno lived there.

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Tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day.

Last St. Patrick's Day we had the whole family over to my house and my Uncle Earl drank five glasses of that green beer – until we realized he'd gotten into the Prell.

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Everybody here in New York is getting into the St. Patrick Day's spirit.

Earlier today Martha Stewart dumped all of her McDonald's stock.

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I love St. Patrick's Day because it combines my two favorite things: religion and drinking.

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Mom's in town for St. Patrick's Day and tomorrow she'll make her traditional lime margaritas.

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Celebrity birthdays: Jerry Lewis turns 79 today.

He celebrated with a few close friends and relatives and, out of habit, he raised half a million dollars.

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Martha Stewart is planning to have her release from prison this weekend televised live.

And for you Martha fans the night before on pay-per-view you'll be able to see her final body cavity search.

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After she gets out of prison, Martha Stewart is going to be hosting “The Apprentice: Martha Stewart.”

Instead of “You're Fired” Martha has already come up with her own catch phrase to get rid of people: “You're Excused.”

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Friends say that Marta Stewart is coming out of prison a changed woman.

For example, she's already asked her company to pay part of her salary in cigarettes.

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Kobe Bryant has agreed to settle a civil lawsuit brought against him by the woman who accused him of raping her last year.

According to the terms of the settlement, the alleged victim will get a large cash payment – and Mrs. Bryant will get another large diamond.

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The other big celebrity trial in California, Robert Blake's murder trial, is winding down.

Legal experts say the jury could get the case by Friday, which means that by as early as Monday he could be free.

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President Bush said this week that Syria must withdraw its troops from Lebanon so the Lebanese people can govern their own country.

Because if there's one thing President Bush can't stand it's one country occupying another country.

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Earlier this week the Supreme Court declared it unconstitutional for children under the age of 18 to be executed.

Unless, of course, they get approval from a parent or guardian.

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Last week a man in Colorado in a Chuck E. Cheese's was tasered for stealing from the salad bar.

Isn't that crazy? Who gets the salad bar at Chuck E. Cheese's?

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The Washington Nationals beat the Mets in their first official game yesterday down in Florida.

And next week they'll begin playing against some major league teams.

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Earlier today Steve Fossett became the first person to fly solo nonstop around the world.

Previously he was the first person to fly solo nonstop around the world in a balloon. For his next feat, he's going to attempt to fly solo nonstop around Michael Moore.

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A woman in Iran has asked for divorce from her husband because the last time he took a bath was over a year ago.

Apparently, he's too much of a neat-nick for her.

Interestingly, I think that's the guy who was driving my cab this morning.

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Every night during the Michael Jackson trial the E! Channel is reenacting the day's events.

Have you seen it? The guy they got to play Michael looks just like him. Apparently they went out and hired a really good Diana Ross impersonator.

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Michael Jackson's lawyers are hinting now that Michael will probably take the stand in his own defense.

That seems like a good idea; if there's one thing Michael is, it's credible.

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Michael Jackson's lawyers said yesterday that police did not find any DNA from his accuser in Michael's bedroom.

They also didn't find any of Michael's DNA – since he doesn't have any left.

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Kobe Bryant has agreed to settle a civil lawsuit brought against him by the woman who accused him of raping her last year.

The settlement includes a large cash payment – and that's just for Kobe's wife.

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Donald Rumsfeld is being sued by former prisoners in Iraq and Afghanistan who claim he's responsible for torturing and abusing them.

And if it works for them, then Colin Powell may try it also.

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Martha Stewart is due to be released from prison this weekend and she's busy getting ready to leave.

Last night she hosted her final dinner party in her cell.

Today she scheduled her final massage and delousing.

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Martha Stewart apparently has a lot of things to work out before she's released from prison this weekend.

For example, how much do you tip a warden?

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A new study out finds that 56 percent of NFL players are obese.

Today the Surgeon General called the NFL to find out their secret to success.

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Bill Gates received an honorary knighthood from Queen Elizabeth this week.

And afterwards he got a queer makeover from Prince Charles.

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The government said this week that there are no plans to raise the terror threat level, despite a recent increase in terrorist chatter.

Apparently everybody's too busy planning the invasion of Iran.

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Out in California yesterday they had opening arguments in the Michael Jackson trial.

Legal experts say the prosecution has an airtight case, and you know what that means – he's gonna walk.

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Michael Jackson's legal team says they have an airtight defense strategy.

It's a can't miss plan – he's going to plead insanity.

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Michael Jackson's legal team says they're going to put up a vigorous fight in his defense.

You'd expect that because, you know, Michael's good name is at stake.

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There was new intelligence information this week that says Osama bin Laden is planning to attack the United States again.

The information is pretty vague at this point but President Bush isn't taking any chances – he's already ignoring the information.

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Martha Stewart is due to be released from prison later this week.

Earlier today she led her last cafeteria riot.

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Friends say that Martha Stewart has lost 20 pounds in prison.

She's actually lost about 40 pounds of fat but she's gained 20 pounds of muscle.

They say it's because she's being doing yoga, eating less and pumping lots of iron.

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Yesterday in Kansas Steve Fossett took off in an attempt to be the first person to fly nonstop around the world solo.

He's got a pretty sophisticated plane. It even has a completely automated bitchy flight attendant.

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In Italy Vatican officials say the Pope is feeling better and was able to speak a few words in German yesterday.

Apparently he took a call from Prince Harry.

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In Italy Vatican officials say the Pope is feeling better and was able to speak a few words yesterday.

Apparently the first thing he said was he thought Chris Rock did a good job hosting the Oscars.

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Good health news: average life expectancy here in the U.S. is at an all time high, 77.6 years.

Experts say it's due to less heart disease, cancer and strokes – and the fact that Joan Rivers is still alive.

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The Transportation Security Administration announced this week that airline passengers will no longer be allowed to bring lighters on airplanes.

The good news is pilots can still bring lighters on to light their bongs.

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