Chumworth on the News – 2005

Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show

From July 2003 until October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN. I wrote and submitted about 10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used. But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get paid for it!

Dave is one of my top two all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It never, ever got old.

This section displays all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is). Use the archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.

Jokes highlighted in bold were used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention. You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by Jay and Carson and Jimmy) on my Late Night Jokes page.

Enjoy!

How about those Academy Awards last night?

It was quite a show. It was big, it was outrageous, it seemed to go on and on – and that was just Star Jones.

74-year-old Clint Eastwood won the Best Director Oscar for “Million Dollar Baby.”

I believe he's the oldest guy to get this much attention for producing a baby since – me.

Last night's Oscar show was the shortest in years, at 3 hours and 10 minutes.

Here's how short it was: by the end of the show Mom had only drank five margaritas.

Oscar organizers tried to cut down on the length of the show by giving out some awards in the audience.

They also tried to cut down on the cost of the show by not inviting Star Jones to the post-show buffet.

Over in Central Park today workers have started taking down The Gates.

They're going to recycle the whole thing. For example, they're going to use the 23 miles of saffron colored fabric to give Michael Moore a queer makeover.

They're going to recycle all of the parts from “The Gates,” the big art exhibit in Central Park.

They're going to take the metal poles from the 7,500 gates and donate them to underprivileged strip clubs in the city.

Over in Iraq this weekend Saddam Hussein's half-brother was captured.

His name is Sab'awi Ibrahim al-Hasan al-Tikriti – but they just called him Roger Hussein for short.

Experts say he served several roles in Saddam's government, the most recent one being the embarrassing presidential half-brother.

Celebrity birthdays: Chelsea Clinton turned 25 this past weekend.

Chelsea celebrated by going out with a bunch of girlfriends – no, wait, that was how Bill celebrated.

California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger said this week that he doesn't regret using steroids when he was younger.

He says he only used steroids so that he could improve his performance at group sex.

Bad news: here in New York City more than half of the most popular restaurants were cited last year for health violations.

The good news is the smoking ban is keeping the rats away from the restaurants.

FRIDAY JOKES

Martha Stewart was released from prison today.

This was touching. Last night the prison staff gave her a farewell party – and one final body cavity search.

When Martha left prison it was quite touching; all of the prison staff members lined up to say goodbye.

There was the warden, the guards, the cooks, the butlers, the maids, the masseuses...

As part of Martha's sentence she still has five months of home confinement.

And, each time she moves to a new town, she'll have to register with the local Crate & Barrel.

You can already tell it's going to be hard for Martha to adjust to life back on the outside.

Tonight during her first meal as a free woman, she ate her entire entr�e with her salad fork.

Now that Martha is out of prison, she'll be spending the next five months in home confinement, where she'll have to wear an electronic-monitoring anklet 24 hours a day.

The anklet is designed to alert the authorities if she gets within 200 yards of an Olive Garden.

Martha will be spending her home confinement at her $40 million estate in upstate New York.

Don't kid yourself, though, it won't be easy. During her home confinement, she's only allowed fresh cut flowers once a week.

There are a lot of rules that Martha has to follow once she gets out of prison.

For example, after she leaves prison she has 72 hours to check in with her public relations representative.

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I've got a big night planned. My mom's in town, so after the show tonight I'll be taking her out to dinner at that clothing optional restaurant.

Yesterday in California they officially picked the jury for the Michael Jackson case.

The jury is about 60% white and 70% female – just like Michael.

Michael wasn't too pleased with the composition of the jury.

Everybody on it is over 18.

President Bush met with Russian President Vladimir Putin earlier today in Europe.

The meeting went really well – President Bush raised 3 million rubles.

The meeting went really well – President Bush only received a mild dose of Dioxin poisoning.

Bad news: the Pope is back in the hospital suffering from the flu.

It's looking pretty serious. Aides say he may not make it to the Oscars this Sunday.

Earlier this week Los Angeles Mayor Jim Hahn has asked the federal government to declare the city a disaster area.

The government said let's just see how the Michael Jackson trial goes first, then we'll decide.

Out in California this week the Robert Blake murder case is winding down.

I believe in legal terms that trial is referred to as a “warm up act”.

In the Robert Blake trial this week the defense decided to not have Robert Blake testify on his own behalf.

Another acting job he couldn't get.

Scientists in Europe announced this week that they'd found a frozen sea of ice on Mars.

That's amazing. That means that this place which we once though was dead and barren, may actually harbor life. It's like finding out that Joan Rivers might still be alive.

Bob Dylan said this week that rock bands today are all amateurs.

He either that or he said he thought Michael Jackson was innocent; it was hard to understand him.

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President Bush was still in Europe today.

Of course, the hardest part of going to Europe for President Bush is the language barrier – and that's just in England.

President Bush said yesterday that it's ridiculous to assume that he's planning to attack Iran.

I'm wondering, how would anybody ever get that idea in the first place?

Here in New York a restaurant has started offering clothing optional dinners.

Please, nobody tell Michael Moore.

I'm thinking if I wanted to see naked people eating, then I would just ride the subway.

Martha Stewart gets out of prison in a couple of weeks and this week it was announced she'll begin writing a column again for her magazine after she gets out.

She's already started working on her first column – “Tips for Home Delousing.”

A Virginia man has been charged with plotting to kill President Bush.

Apparently, the plan was to get near President Bush and slip him a pretzel.

Queen Elizabeth said this week that she won't be attending Prince Charles's wedding in April.

I guess that means the only queen at the wedding will be Prince Charles.

A spokesman for Prince Charles says that he won't have a best man at his wedding to Camilla Parker Bowles.

Apparently, Prince Harry will take over the “embarrassing the groom” duties.

Over in Central Park the big art exhibit The Gates is really popular with the tourists.

The Gates are 23 miles of fabric hanging from poles. They're the most popular things hanging from poles other than the strippers.

Earlier this week somebody hacked into Paris Hilton's mobile phone and posted her contact list, personal notes and topless self-portraits on the Internet.

That's a shame because she's clearly a very private woman.

Sting announced this week that he's going to record a song for the people of Sri Lanka about the recent tsunami.

I'm thinking haven't those people suffered enough?

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President Bush is still in Europe on a multination visit.

So far the trip has gone really well – he's only alienated three more countries.

Over in Central Park they still have the big “Gates” exhibit going on.

If you haven't seen it, it's 23 miles of fabric hanging from these big gates. It's like one big, 23-mile long communal handkerchief.

Celebrity birthdays: Ted Kennedy turns 73 today.

He celebrated by having a woman jump out of his pants.

Out in California this week they've resumed jury selection in the Michael Jackson trial.

They're really being careful who they pick for the jury because, you know, they don't want any freaks in the courtroom.

They're telling prospective jurors that if picked they'll have to sit through some unpleasant, hard to stomach evidence – and that's just Michael's face.

Members of the International Olympic Committee are in New York City this week to evaluate the city's ability to host the 2012 Summer Olympics.

Earlier today committee members were in Times Square inspecting the hookers.

If all goes well, then in 2012 New York City will be crawling with tens of thousands of people from all corners of the globe – and those would just be the hookers.

Over in England, Madame Tussaud's wax museum has split up their wax replicas of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston.

They now have Brad Pitt in a different part of the museum having phone sex with Angelina Jolie.

Martha Stewart recently had a visit from her hairdresser to get advice on making her hair blond again for her upcoming release from prison.

You can tell she's really gearing up for life on the outside again. She's also looking into having her prison tattoos removed.

Good news: traffic fatalities here in New York City over the first months of 2005 are down.

Experts expect that to change once Billy Joel comes back east for the summer.

Good news: traffic fatalities here in New York City are at their lowest level in almost 100 years.

I can tell this is true because it's been months since I had to yell “Did anybody get the license number of that car?!”

Celebrity birthdays: Today is George Washington's birthday.

In honor of Washington's birthday, today down in Times Square the hookers are offering half off to all guys with wooden teeth.

Out in California this week they've been having more mudslides.

The mudslides are so bad out there that today they washed away ten more houses and what was left of Robert Blake's defense.

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Everybody here in New York is in the President's Day spirit.

On my way to work today my cab driver was wearing a stovepipe turban.

Interestingly, President Bush has a lot in common with George Washington.

George Washington was our first elected president and George W. Bush was our first non-elected president.

President Bush is in Europe this week visiting Belgium, Germany and Slovakia.

So far the trip has been a huge success – he's raised 3 million Euros.

This past weekend in Denver was the NBA All-Star weekend. On Saturday they had the individual skills competitions.

Josh Smith won the Slam Dunk Contest, Quentin Richardson won the 3-Point Shooting Contest and Ron Artest won the Drunken Fan Beating Competition.

Here in New York City the latest fad is clothing optional restaurants.

Which, if you think about it, makes perfect sense, since the subways are already clothing optional.

Astronomers announced last week that they witnessed the flash from an explosion 50,000 light-years away.

They say it's the brightest flash ever witnessed – since the last time Michael Moore took off his shirt at the beach.

FRIDAY: Martha Stewart is going to be released from prison in another week or two.

After she's released she'll have to check in once a month with a court appointed interior decorator.

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I hate talking about people when they're not here, but last night's crowd was ugly.

Last night's audience was filled with unemployed National Hockey League goons.

The National Hockey League officially canceled their season yesterday because of a labor dispute.

You can tell the work stoppage is really taking a toll on the players. Today on my way to work I saw one of the Rangers at an intersection holding up a sign that read “Will beat you up for food.”

Out in California Michael Jackson left the hospital today after being in for the flu.

They say his voice is weak, his skin is cold and clammy and his face is really pasty – in other words he's back to normal.

Earlier today President Bush nominated John Negroponte to be the first Director of National Intelligence.

As the Director of National Intelligence he'll be responsible for coordinating all of the various intelligence reports into one memo that President Bush can ignore.

Celebrity birthdays: Paris Hilton turns 24 today.

She celebrated by making a sex video with a few close friends.

Jennifer Lopez has canceled her upcoming European tour because of illness.

She's so sick they're saying she may also have to postpone her upcoming divorce.

Scientists announced this week that they've discovered human bones in Ethopia that are 195,000 years old.

They say these are the oldest known human fossils – other than Joan Rivers.

Lance Armstrong said this week that he will race in the Tour de France this summer.

He'll be going for his seventh straight victory in Paris, which would be more than anybody – except the Germans.

Down in Washington the Bushes have fired the White House chef.

Apparently they weren't happy with his cooking. It wasn't Cracker Barrel-ish enough.

A high school teacher in Florida was arrested this week for teaching his students how to make a bomb.

Apparently what he did was, he showed them a video on the making of “Gigli.”

Kid Rock was arrested this week for getting into a fight at a strip club.

When he was taken to jail he was phototgraphed, he was fingerprinted, he was deloused. It's the same he had to do after he broke up with Pamela Anderson.

Here in New York City Mayor Bloomberg wants New York's new slogan to be “The World's Second Home.”

The original slogan was a little longer “The World's Second Home – You know, the One that Smells Like Cheese.”

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Over in Madison Square Garden today they're cleaning up from the Westminster Dog Show.

They say it'll take a big team of people days to clean up the mess and it could be weeks before the smell is gone. It's just like after the Republican National Convention last year.

Last night at the Westminster Dog Show here in New York a German shorthaired pointer named Carlee won Best in Show.

After the show Carlee got the traditional congratulatory phone call from President Bush's dog.

After the show Carlee got a congratulatory “Sieg Heil!” from Prince Harry.

The Best of Show at this year's Westminster Dog Show was a German shorthaired pointer.

That's just my luck. I had a shih tzu in my Westminster Dog Show fantasy league.

Out in California Michael Jackson's trial has been postponed because he's sick.

Michael's lawyer says that he's very, very sick – and on top of that he has the flu.

This week the U.S. government is naming its newest nuclear-powered attack submarine after former president Jimmy Carter.

Interestingly, former president Bill Clinton has also had a boat named after him – a whaler.

Bad news: Earlier today the National Hockey League officially canceled its season.

Over at Madison Square Garden with the Rangers not playing that means that the Knicks are losing for two now.

Down in Washington Michael Chertoff has officially been sworn in as the new Directory of Homeland Security.

He hit the ground running. He's already written several intelligence memos that President Bush has ignored.

Scientists announced this week that a giant asteroid is on target to fly very close to the Earth in 2029.

Here's how close it's going come to hitting the Earth: President Bush has quit worrying about the whole Social Security problem.

A movie version of the old TV show “Miami Vice” is about to begin production.

That's pretty much just one step above making a movie of this show.

The “Miami Vice” movie will star Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx.

Colin Farrell is already working hard to get the Don Johnson character down. He's started sleeping with Melanie Griffith.

A 79-year-old Indiana woman was arrested this week for hitting a police officer with her wooden cane.

The good news is they say mom will probably just get off with a warning.

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It's been quite a week for the late Ray Charles. On Sunday night he won a bunch of Grammy awards.

Then earlier tonight over at Madison Square Garden he won Best in Show at the Westminster Dog Show.

Over at Madison Square Garden today they had day two of the Westminster Dog Show. At the show they have all different groupings of dogs.

You've got your Workers, you've got your Toys, you've got your Hounds – no, wait, I'm sorry, those are the groupings for the hookers.

There were more revelations from Jose Canseco today.

It's beginning to get a little silly. Now he says he injected Michael Moore with Crisco.

Jose Canseco has a new book out in which he accuses a bunch of All Star baseball players of using steroids.

The good news is that means all of the Mets are in the clear.

There's a new study out that says that owning a car here in New York City costs $10,000 a year.

Here's how bad it's getting. More and more people now are getting rid of their cars and just having sex in cabs.

NASA scientists said this week that 2005 could be the warmest year since they started keeping records.

Today President Bush vowed to combat the problem by passing a law making it illegal for Michael Moore to wear corduroy.

Michael Jackson's defense team says they're planning to call Diana Ross, Elizabeth Taylor, and Kobe Bryant as character witnesses.

Yep, it's official – they've thrown in the towel.

Michael Jackson's lawyers say that they're going to call Diana Ross as a character witness for Michael.

Not only that, but she'll serve as Michael's body double during bathroom breaks.

Chris Rock, the host of this year's Academy Awards show, said in an interview recently that he never liked the show and that only gay men would watch it.

Finally, it sounds like they've found a poorer choice to host the Academy Awards than me.

The National Hockey League is going to officially cancel its season this week because of a labor dispute.

The good news is this means the Rangers are guaranteed to finish with a .500 record.

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MONDAY JOKES

Happy Valentine's Day!

I love doing a show on Valentine's Day because the audience is always filled with my favorite people – angry loners.

Don't kid yourselves, guys, taking a date out on Valentine's Day here in New York City can be expensive.

There's the flowers, there's the candy – then, at the end of the night, you have to pay her.

Last night here on CBS they had the Grammy Awards.

The show was a big success for CBS – nobody's been asked to resign.

Former President Bill Clinton won a Grammy award last night for the audio version of his book “My Life.”

He won the Grammy for “Best Spoken Word Pornographic Album.”

Britney Spears won her first Grammy award ever last night.

In her acceptance speech she lip-synced a heart felt thanks.

Over in Central Park this week they opened “The Gates,” a big art exhibit made up of 7,500 16-foot tall gates covered with fabric.

So far the exhibit has gone really well. Only a few gates are missing.

Here in New York City the Westminster Dog Show is going on this week.

So for you tourists, this is your chance to see a bunch of world class dogs competing – at least until the Mets start playing.

This week over at Rupert Jee's Hello Deli they have a Westminster Dog Show special; it's a plate of Spicy Chihuahua.

Today I saw a sure sign that the Westminster Dog Show is in town.

Down in Times Square I saw a Great Dane trying to hire a couple of French poodles.

Celebrity birthdays: Abraham Lincoln's birthday was this past Saturday.

And if Abraham Lincoln were alive today, I think we'd all be pretty shocked.

Celebrity birthdays: Abraham Lincoln's would have turned 196 on Saturday.

No, wait, I'm sorry, that's Joan Rivers.

FRIDAY JOKES

Here's a sure sign that spring is just around the corner: baseball teams are reporting to spring training this week.

Down in Florida the Mets are already busy practicing their excuses.

Yes, it's that time of year for Mets fans when winter dreams start to turn into spring nightmares.

Today I saw a sure sign that spring is almost here.

Over at Yankee Stadium, I saw the equipment guys loading up the truck for spring training with boxes of steroids.

The World Champion Boston Red Sox are gearing up the new season.

They've already vowed to not not blow it again this year.

Jennifer Lopez now has her own line of clothing.

All of her clothing is guaranteed to make your ass look twice as big, or your money back.

This weekend is President's Day weekend.

Down in Times Square the hookers are offering their annual President's Day special: fifty percent off for all guys named “Abe.”

Over in England the Ladies Golf Union announced this week that they'll let transsexuals play in this year's women's British Open

Yeah, I'm thinking this could be the thing that really makes women's golf a major sport.

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Here in New York City this week it's Fashion Week.

It's pretty exciting. It's your first chance to see the designs that the Gap will be turning into cheap crap next year.

Today is the Islamic New Year.

So for all you tourists in town make a note: cabs today are running on a holiday schedule.

A guy in Florida was arrested this week for stalking tennis star Anna Kournikova after he showed up at her house naked with her name tattooed on his arm.

It's like this guy has stolen all my moves.

Yesterday Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice warned Iran to stop its nuclear program or face the next step.

I believe now the next step now would be the “fabrication of the evidence.”

A Cub Scout in Pennsylvania set a new fundraising record by selling 10 tons of popcorn.

He was pretty smart. What he did was, he went right to Kirstie Alley's house.

Over in Britain Prince Charles announced this week that he's going to marry Camilla Parker Bowles.

Officials said that she will not have the title of Queen, which means the only queen in the marriage will be him.

The Post Office introduced a Ronald Reagan stamp this week and said they've already printed 170 million of them.

I believe that will make Reagan the most licked president since – Bill Clinton.

NASA scientists said this week that 2004 was the fourth warmest year for Earth in the past one hundred years.

Scientists say the recent global warming trend is due primarily to greenhouse gases and to Michael Moore eating a lot more spicy food.

NHL commissioner Gary Bettman said on Wednesday that the owners and players have until this weekend to reach a new labor agreement or – ah hell, who cares?

Virginia has passed a new law making it illegal to wear low riding pants.

The good news is plumbers will be exempt.

A new study out finds that clean teeth and healthy guns reduces your chance of heart disease.

So, clean teeth reduces your chance of heart disease but it increases your chances of being British.

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It's Fashion Week here in New York City and over at Rupert Jee's Hello Deli this week they're offering their traditional Fashion Week special.

For just $5 you get a plate of food that you won't be able to keep down.

Here in New York City workers are wrapping Central Park in 23 miles of fabric.

It's all part of Fashion Week – Central Park is getting a queer makeover.

Over in Central Park workers are almost done hanging 23 miles of fabric as part of a giant piece of art that will be on display through the end of the month.

It's amazing. It's taken a whole team of people months to prepare for this and it's all over in two weeks. It's just like the Knicks' season.

Here in New York City this week two motorcyclists were caught having sex in the middle of a road still wearing their helmets.

It's all part of Mayor Bloomberg's “Safe Road Sex” campaign.

I'm not sure what this says about the quality of the sex, but afterward the woman said they really should have been having sex in the fast lane.

Tonight is the Islamic New Year's Eve.

I'll be spending it at home watching “Dick Clark's Islamic New Year's Rockin' Eve.”

Today's the first day of the Chinese New Year.

Earlier today President Bush blamed the Democrats for letting the New Year's holiday get outsourced.

Today is the first day of the Chinese New Year, the Year of the Rooster. Last year was the Year of the Monkey.

I've been looking forward to the Year of the Rooster for quite some time. Now I can finally get those damn monkeys out of my house.

This week a British woman set a new speed record for sailing solo around the world, doing it in just over 71 days.

Next she says she's going to try to set a new speed record for sailing solo around Michael Moore.

Princeton astronomers announced this week that some planets in our galaxy could be made of diamonds.

They say a planet like that could provide enough diamonds to keep Kobe Bryant married for years.

Celebrity engagements: Nicole Richie is engaged to her boyfriend Adam Goldstein.

This will be the first divorce for each.

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It's Fashion Week here in New York City.

So, if you're not in New York City this week, good luck getting a queer makeover.

New York City is crawling with supermodels because it's Fashion Week.

Which means that for one week I'm no longer the biggest prima donna in New York.

Over in Italy Pope John Paul II is doing better but is still in the hospital recovering from the flu.

The Pope says he doesn't have any plans to retire right now – but in 2009 the job goes to Conan O'Brien.

Here in Manhattan this week the city has started installing talking crosswalk signals.

It's all part of the city's efforts to make everything more accessible for the blind. Next week they're going to start installing Braille on all the hookers.

Earlier today in Egypt the Israelis and the Palestinians announced a cease-fire.

Which is odd, if you think about it, because I always thought we'd have peace in the Middle East before the Red Sox won the World Series.

This week Cuba began banning smoking in public places and in most restaurants.

So far, the ban is not very popular. In fact, experts say this is the kind of thing that could really hurt Fidel Castro's chances for reelection.

Former baseball star Jose Canseco has a new book coming out in which he admits to using steroid when he was playing.

He says he needed to do it just to keep up with Madonna.

Over in Central Park this week they're erecting thousands of poles to hold 23 miles of fabric as part of a giant piece of art.

When it's all over they'll take the fabric off the poles and turn Central Park into the world's largest strip club.

Britney Spears is suing her insurance companies for not compensating her after she injured her knee and had to cancel her tour last summer.

It looks like she's serious. She's already lip-synced a deposition.

Sylvester Stallone is coming out with his own magazine.

It's going to be called “Dumb Guy's Quarterly.”

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Last night the New England Patriots beat the Philadelphia Eagles in Super Bowl XXXIX in Jacksonville.

After the game President Bush called the winners to congratulate them – and then John Kerry called the losers.

Former President Bill Clinton was at the Super Bowl yesterday.

He made the ceremonial first pass at a cheerleader.

Mom was pretty excited about the Super Bowl yesterday.

She called me at the end game yelling, “The bastard's didn't cover! The bastard's didn't cover!”

My mom, god bless her, I think she has a problem.

Five minutes before kick off of the Super Bowl she was on the phone with her bookie trying to bet on Y.A. Tittle's team.

Happy birthday today to Ashton Kutcher.

To celebrate Demi Moore took him out to a nice dinner at Chuck E. Cheese's.

Donald Rumsfeld said last week that he tried to resign during the Abu Ghraib scandal.

Apparently what happened was he turned in his resignation letter along with some intelligence memos and President Bush just ignored it.

Dick Cheney said this weekend that he definitely will not run for president in 2008.

He said by then he'll have been running the country for eight years and that's enough.

Earlier today President Bush delivered his 2006 budget to Congress. In it he proposes spending cuts for Medicaid, Amtrak, and the EPA.

The good news is he proposes increased spending on NASCAR.

Over on FOX this weekend Geraldo Rivera interviewed Michael Jackson.

Is it just me or is that guy getting creepier and creepier? And Michael's pretty creepy too.

Here in New York City last week a judge ruled that gay couples should be allowed to marry.

Experts say this could lead to the first gay marriage in New York City since Liza Minelli-David Gest.

FRIDAY JOKES

A 4-year-old boy in Michigan was recently caught driving his mother's car to a video store at 1:30 in the morning.

His mother said she doesn't know how it happened – he's got an 11:00 curfew.

Celebrity Birthdays: Jennifer Anniston turns 36 today.

Brad Pitt celebrated by taking Angelina Joile out to dinner.

Yesterday was the first day of the Islamic New Year.

It's day two of the Islamic New Year and I've already broken all of my Islamic New Year's resolutions.

Scientists say that the Hubble space telescope has captured pictures of an exploding star 20,000 light years away.

Scientists say this is the first time they've seen a star blow up since Kirstie Alley.

A New Jersey woman claims that she bought a bottle of Snapple last month and found a dead mouse in it.

Apparently what happened was she ordered a bottle of their new “Rasberry Rodent” flavor.

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Earlier tonight on ABC they had the big “Happy Days” reunion show.

I was pretty excited about it because I got to reprise my role as Potsie.

Last night President Bush gave his State of the Union address.

In it he pledged to bring free and fair elections to Florida.

President Bush spent today recovering from his State of the Union address last night.

It was a quite a night. Today President Bush woke up and said “I pledged to do what last night?!”

Here at CBS Bob Schieffer has been named the interim host of the “CBS Evening News” after Dan Rather retires in March.

And then in 2009 Conan O'Brien will take over.

Interim host – coincidentally, that's the same title I have.

NBC announced this week that Martha Stewart will star in her own reality show where a group of contestants will compete for a job working for Martha.

Producers say it will be a cross between “The Apprentice” and “Cops.”

NBC announced this week that Martha Stewart will host her own reality show called “The Apprentice: Martha Stewart.”

Contestants on the show will be divided into two teams: college graduates vs. ex-cons.

Instead of a boardroom, Martha will meet with the contestants every week in a prison yard.

Instead of firing someone each week, she'll stick somebody with a shiv.

PBS recently announced that they won't air an episode of a children's show that features a lesbian couple.

However, they will be showing an episode of Sesame Street where Bert gives Ernie a queer makeover.

Good news from Europe: Pope John Paul II is in stable condition now after being admitted to the hospital for a respiratory infection.

His doctors say it shouldn't be long before he's able to resume a full schedule of defrocking priests.

Aides say they can tell he's already feeling better because he's telling dirty jokes again.

This week Cuban leader Fidel Castro called President Bush “deranged.”

He'd better watch what he says or the next thing you know we'll be seeing him getting pulled out of a spider hole.

Paris Hilton is hosting “Saturday Night Live” this week.

She's on to promote her latest sex video.

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Earlier tonight President Bush gave his State of the Union address.

It was a rousing speech. Every time he made a point he'd shoot his gun in the air.

The first half of President Bush's speech was devoted to domestic issues, while the second half was devoted to NASCAR.

President Bush looked poised and confident during the State of the Union speech.

He only used his spittoon a couple of times.

President Bush's State of the Union speech was full of big ideas and lofty prose.

That's right – he didn't write any of it.

Vice President Dick Cheney was at the State of the Union address tonight.

You could tell he liked the speech by the way he kept giving the president a standing sneer.

The Bush twins were at the State of the Union speech tonight.

They were pretty well behaved. They only flashed their breasts a couple of times.

Happy Groundhog Day!

Punxatawny Phil saw his shadow today and you know what that means: Michael Moore was standing over him.

It's tax-free shopping week here in New York City.

So, for all you tourists this is the week to be in New York City because next week the price for a hooker will go back up.

U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan has named former President Bill Clinton to head up U.N. tsunami reconstruction efforts.

Don't kid yourself; this is a pretty big task. In fact, I don't think Bill has tackled something this large since – Monica.

The North Korean government has banned men from having long hair.

Not only that, but they've also made it illegal to get a queer makeover.

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Scientists in Europe announced this week that the ozone layer at the top of the Earth is thinning.

The good news is scientists think they can repair the damage by transplanting some ozone from the back and sides of the Earth.

Hillary Clinton fainted yesterday during a speech in Buffalo.

When he heard the news, Bill immediately dropped everything he was doing – even the intern.

When he heard the news, Bill immediately rushed to the hospital and hit on a nurse.

Out in California jury selection continued in the Michael Jackson trial today.

Michael attended the proceedings accompanied by his legal team: four lawyers and a monkey.

A woman has accused Snoop Dogg of sexually assault her.

Apparently, she claims he slipped his fashizzle in her shanizzle.

They're still counting the votes in Iraq.

Today, out of habit, John Kerry announced he wouldn't contest the vote in Fallujah.

In Iraq they're still counting the votes and it's looking like the Shiite muslims might win.

Experts say, though, that it's all going to hinge on Ohio.

Celebrity birthdays: Oprah Winfrey turned 51 last weekend.

Per usual I sent her a lovely gift and per usual today I got a reply saying that my gift had been destroyed without being opened.

Last week they announced the Academy Award nominations and Michael Moore's film “Fahrenheit 9/11″ didn't get any nominations.

The good news is now there won't be any shortage of black fabric for tuxedo pants this year.

The U.S. government announced this week that Medicare will now start covering sexual performance drugs, like Viagra.

This is the first bit of good news I've had since Johnny died.

This week the King of Nepal dismissed his entire government and declared a state of emergency in an effort to restore peace in the country.

Today President Bush said if it works there, he'll try it here.

Apparently they've cut the entire country off from telephone and Internet service.

The U.S. has already offered to help by flying in emergency rations of pornography.

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