Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show
From
July 2003 until
October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the
LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN.
I wrote and submitted about
10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used.
But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get
paid for it!
Dave is one of my top two
all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It
never, ever got old.
This section displays
all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is).
Use the
archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the
search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.
Jokes highlighted in
bold were
used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention.
You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by
Jay and
Carson and
Jimmy) on my
Late Night Jokes page.
Enjoy!
January 31, 2005.
Web Posted at: 10:45 am UTC
Yesterday in Iraq they held their first democratic elections in over 30 years.
Last night after the election was over, out of habit Teresa Heinz made John Kerry sleep on the couch.
President Bush called yesterday's elections a resounding success.
He picked up 5 more seats in the Senate.
Election officials in Iraq say that there was a very high turnout yesterday.
The U.S. had advisers observing the election – so we could get some pointers.
Here in New York this weekend a policeman ordered a Big Mac from McDonald's and when he bit into it he found it was filled with glass.
Apparently, he'd asked for the glass on the side.
Celebrity birthdays: Dick Cheney turned 64 on Sunday.
He celebrated with a few close friends and cardiologists.
His wife made him his favorite cake: chocolate with the Lipitor icing.
Celebrity birthdays: Dick Cheney had a birthday on Sunday.
His cake had 64 candles – one for each heart attack.
Celebrity weddings: Congratulations to Arnold Palmer who was married this past weekend.
The wedding night was pretty wild. He went through one bottle of Viagra and two quarts of Penzoil.
The U.S. government said last week that it's going to double the reward for capturing Osama bin Laden to $50 million.
I believe that would be the most anyone has paid for a crazed loner since CBS hired me.
Police officers in South Carolina used a stun gun on a 75-year-old woman after she became unruly last week.
The good news is mom's going to be fine.
Out in California today jury selection began in the Michael Jackson trial.
Legal experts expect it to be a long trial. They say it could be months before he beats the rap.
Michael's lawyers say they're hoping to get a lot of people from his demographic on the jury – middle-aged white women.
Michael Jackson said this weekend that recent media leaks about his child molestation case were “disgusting and false.”
Disgusting and false – just like his face.
Sources at the prison where Martha Stewart is serving her time say that she spends her days there reading the mail, doing yoga, and crocheting.
It's like we were separated at birth.
FRIDAY JOKES
This Sunday we'll be having the whole family over to my house to watch the Super Bowl.
We do the same thing every year: we have a pool where everybody bets on the score of the game when mom passes out.
Last year during the Super Bowl we had to take my Uncle Earl to the hospital during the game after he ate a whole plate of nacho cheese covered drink coasters.
I'm excited about watching the Super Bowl this Sunday
I'll be TiVo'ing it and praying for another wardrobe malfunction.
Paul McCartney is performing during half time of the Super Bowl this year.
The only thing that's likely to pop out during his performance are his teeth.
Security experts say there isn't much chance of a terrorist attack during the Super Bowl.
Apparently, the terrorist chatter is so low the biggest threat to national security on Sunday will be President Bush choking on a pretzel.
The Super Bowl is being held in Jacksonville, Florida this year.
When he heard there was going to be a tight contest in Florida, out of habit President Bush asked his brother Jeb to rig it.
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January 20, 2005.
Web Posted at: 10:25 am UTC
Today was Inauguration Day down in Washington.
Earlier today President Bush gave his inaugural address and earlier tonight the Bush twins gave the inaugural flashing of the breasts.
President Bush was sworn in with his hand on the same bible he used at his first inauguration.
Interestingly, I believe both times President Clinton was sworn in he had his hand on the same intern.
After his swearing in, President Bush gave his official inaugural address.
In the speech he laid out an aggressive second term vacation agenda.
You could tell President Bush was taking the whole inauguration pretty seriously.
He only used his spittoon a couple of times.
After the swearing in they had the traditional parade along Pennsylvania Avenue.
President Bush's motorcade was followed down Pennsylvania Avenue by Vice President Cheney's ambulance.
With the inauguration today, President Bush officially completed his first term as commander-in-chief.
I believe this is the first time he's completed a military commitment.
Experts now say that there were errors in the exit polls on Election Day that showed John Kerry winning the election.
Apparently, there were mistakes in the polling process that caused the wrong guy to win. It's the same way George Bush was elected in the first place.
Roger Clemens is asking the Houston Astros to pay him $22 million to play next year.
I believe that's the largest amount somebody has asked for a one-year commitment since – Donald Trump's fiancé.
CBS is considering replacing Dan Rather with a multi-anchor, multi-city format.
They say it should help them to better cover the hot, fake news story of the day.
O.J. Simpson's daughter was arrested this week for resisting arrest and disorderly conduct.
O.J.'s pretty upset about this. Today he grounded her for not having a better alibi.
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January 18, 2005.
Web Posted at: 11:50 am UTC
Donald Trump is getting married this weekend to his girlfriend Melania Knauss.
Sources say her dress cost $100,000 and took 28 seamstresses more than 1,000 hours to make – no, wait, I'm sorry, that's his hair.
Boy was it cold in New York City today.
It was so cold today that Conan O'Brien tried to get NBC to give him the Tonight Show now.
It was so cold today that the Jet's kicker was glad to get a grilling from his coach.
It was so cold today that down in Times Square I saw a Triple A guy trying to jump start a hooker.
Down in Washington, D.C. today was the first day of inauguration week.
The Bush twins helped kicked things off by participating in the first ever inaugural wet t-shirt contest.
Down in Washington they're getting ready for all the parties after President Bush's inauguration on Thursday.
Let's see, there's the Constitution Ball, the Commander-in-Chief Ball – and the Halliburton Ball.
Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge said last week that there's no evidence of a terrorist plot to disrupt President Bush's inauguration on Thursday.
He said the only thing they're worried about are the Bush twins acting up.
Reuben Studdard performed today at the “America's Future Rocks Today” inauguration concert.
I don't think anybody that big has performed for the president since – Monica.
His performance went well. He got a standing ovation – and a 9.0 on the Richter scale.
In Washington today they started confimation hearing for Condoleezza Rice, who's been nominated to be the next Secretary of State.
President Bush is really throwing his support behind her. Today he gave her a poorly written letter of recommendation.
There's a rumor now that CBS may try to hire Ted Koppel to replace Dan Rather.
If they hire Ted Koppel that would mean I no longer have the worst hair on CBS.
The European Union now says they're considering banning Nazi symbols.
They say they're going to take some time to discuss the issue; they don't want to rush into anything.
Charleston, South Carolina was named the country's best-mannered city.
New York didn't make the list; apparently, the judges that were sent to New York City were never heard from again.
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January 17, 2005.
Web Posted at: 10:35 am UTC
Earlier this week Airbus introduced its new superjumbo passenger jet, which will hold 555 passengers.
It's going to be called the A380, or the "Star Jones of the Sky."
Out in Hollywood yesterday they had the Golden Globe Awards.
Star Jones was on the red carpet before the show. No word yet on whether the carpet can be salvaged.
“The Aviator” won the Golden Globe award for best drama.
“The Aviator” is about an eccentric billionaire who turns into a reclusive nut obsessed with hygiene – no, I'm sorry, that's Martha Stewart.
Election news: Al Gore's wife Tipper says that he may run again in 2008.
Apparently he's thinking pretty strongly about running for reelection.
Last week in Las Vegas a pilot was arrested for operating an aircraft under the influence.
Officials knew he was drunk when he starting shooting a laser at his own cockpit.
Michael Moore's old high school in Michigan has said they won't let him into their Hall of Fame.
Not only that, but they also won't let him into their cafeteria.
Last week the Huygens spacecraft successfully landed on Saturn's largest moon, Titan, where the surface temperature is minus 290 degrees.
Scientists say it's even colder on the surface of Titan than it was at Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston's house.
President Bush said this weekend that Social Security is on the road to bankruptcy.
In other words, mission accomplished.
Good news: Courtney Love has regained custody of her daughter.
That means I'm no longer the scariest celebrity parent.
There's a rumor now that Bill Clinton is hoping to be named as the next Secretary-General of the U.N.
He's so sure he's going to get the job he's already started assembling a team of international interns.
A 67-year-old woman in Romania has become the world's oldest mother, after she gave birth to a baby girl this weekend.
Mother and baby are both doing well. I'm still waiting for the results of the paternity test.
FRIDAY JOKES
Yesterday down in Washington they had President Bush's second inauguration.
It all went pretty well. There were only a couple of people arrested for disorderly conduct – and those were just the Bush twins.
Here was how inauguration day went for George Bush: he was sworn in in the morning, he marched in a parade in the afternoon and then he hit some parties that night.
It's the same thing he did in the National Guard.
Security for the inauguration was pretty tight. There were 6,000 law enforcement personnel and a record number of canine bomb teams.
I believe the last president to be surrounded by this many dogs was – Clinton.
Tomorrow down in Florida Donald Trump is getting married to his girlfriend Melania Knauss.
This will be her first marriage and his third divorce.
It's going to be quite an affair. It's going to be big, it's going to be wild, it's going to be outrageous – and that's just his hair.
This will be the biggest affair Donald Trump has had since – Marla Maples.
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January 13, 2005.
Web Posted at: 10:55 am UTC
Earlier today Major League Baseball announced a tough new steroid testing policy.
The penalties for getting caught under this new policy are pretty harsh. After one first positive test, you get suspended for ten games. After a second positive test, you get traded to the Mets.
Don King filed a $2.5 billion lawsuit against ESPN yesterday for portraying him in a negative light.
I'm wondering, is there any other way to portray Don King?
Don King filed a $2.5 billion defamation of character lawsuit against ESPN yesterday for a report it aired last year.
I'm wondering, how bad did it have to be to defame Don King's character?
In the lawsuit Don King says that the report accused him of being a snake oil salesman and a shameless huckster.
And then there was all the negative stuff.
Yesterday NASA launched Deep Impact, a probe that's designed to crash into Comet Tempel 1 next July so scientists can study the inside of the comet.
They say the shock waves from the collision will have the same affect as 4 1/2 tons of TNT – or the Brad Pitt/Jennifer Anniston split.
Scientists say it will be the first time they'll get to witness something crash and burn like this since the Brad Pitt/Jennifer Anniston split.
U.S. weapons inspectors in Iraq announced this week that they're done searching for weapons of mass destruction.
Experts say the timing was right to end the search – George Bush has already been reelected.
Transportation Secretary Norman Mineta said this week that there have been more incidents of laser beams being pointed at airplane cockpits.
Here's what they're telling pilots to do: if the laser beam is strong enough to wake you up, notify the authorities.
Over in Britain Prince Harry was photographed this week wearing a Nazi uniform to a party.
Is it just me, or do you miss the days when British princes were just perverts?
Not only that but he also beat up a couple of other people wearing French costumes.
The government announced new dietary guidelines this week, recommending that Americans eat less and exercise more.
Great – something else for Michael Moore to disagree with the Bush administration about.
Martha Stewart's attorneys said this week they're going to ask for Martha to be released early.
I'm not sure that's a good idea; she could still be a danger to society.
The E Channel said this week that they're going to recreate scenes from the upcoming Michael Jackson trial with actors.
Producers are already busying auditioning creepy white women to play Michael.
They say they'll be using lots of special effects to recreate Michael's nose.
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January 12, 2005.
Web Posted at: 11:40 am UTC
Former Abu Ghraib prisoners testified this week that they were forced to eat pork, drink alcohol and masturbate.
I'm thinking that used to be a big Saturday night for me.
President Bush vowed this week that he will not send women into ground combat.
I think we can trust him on this because if there's one thing George Bush knows about, it's staying out of combat
In Washington they're going to have 6,000 law enforcement personnel providing security for President Bush's inauguration next week.
I believe George Bush hasn't had this many people protecting him since the Vietnam War.
The White House announced this week that First Lady Laura Bush will wear an outfit designed by Oscar de la Renta to next week's inaugural balls.
No word yet on what the Bush twins will be wearing to the wet t-shirt contest.
Celebrity birthdays: Kirstie Alley turned 50 today.
Her friends threw her a party and they had a cake jump out of a cake.
She had 50 candles to blow out – one for each cake.
Celebrity birthdays: Rush Limbaugh turned 54 today.
His celebrated with his favorite cake: chocolate, with the oxycontin icing.
Celebrity birthdays: Howard Stern turned 51 today.
He celebrated with a few close dwarves and lesbians.
Up in Canada they've confirmed a new case of mad cow disease.
The good news is the U.S. government says they're going to allow cows to cross the U.S.-Canadian border – which means Star Jones can still take that long weekend in Toronto.
Mr. Blackwell came out with his list of the worst dressed celebrities yesterday.
I'm pretty excited because I moved down a few spots from last year. Now I'm ahead of Michael Moore, but behind Courtney Love.
Howard Dean announced this week that he's running for chairman of the Democratic National Committee.
He kicked off his campaign with an inspiring, crazy rant.
He's vowed that if elected he'll make the Democratic party more psychotic and unstable.
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January 11, 2005.
Web Posted at: 11:40 am UTC
Earlier today President Bush nominated Judge Michael Chertoff as the next Secretary of Homeland Security.
The Bush Administration was pretty careful about looking into this guy's background this time. Apparently, he doesn't have any nannies – and he only has one mistress.
Out there in California they're still having these tremendous rainstorms.
There's been so much rain that earlier today it washed away what was left of Michael Jackson's nose.
Yesterday CBS fired four people responsible for that fake memo report about President Bush's military service.
No word yet on any punishment for the people responsible for “JAG.”
The independent panel investigating the fake memo report concluded that CBS made a poor decision by rushing things and by not having enough internal oversight.
It's the same way I got hired.
McDonald's says they will soon begin to offer gourmet coffee.
Which makes a lot of sense, because when you think of gourmet food, you think of McDonald's.
There's a new study out that finds that fat people tend to sleep less than skinny people.
Researchers aren't sure exactly why, but they think it has something to do with Wendy's Pick-Up Window being open til midnight or later.
Astronomers in California announced this week that they've discovered three giant red stars, each more than 1,500 times bigger than our sun.
They say these are the biggest things found in the universe since Star Jones was discovered.
This week Italy began enforcing a new smoking ban, which makes it illegal to smoke in restaurants, bars, offices and factories.
The good news is it's still legal for priests to smoke after sex.
Over in the Ukraine this week the Central Election Commission officially declared Viktor Yushchenko the winner of the presidential election.
His opponent wasn't too gracious in defeat. He called Yushchenko a shill of the dioxin antidote industry.
Yushchenko said his key to winning this time around was to always go with the salad instead of the soup.
Researchers in Spain reported this week that rats have the ability to differentiate between Dutch and Japanese.
Great, that's all we need – bilingual rats.
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January 10, 2005.
Web Posted at: 10:30 am UTC
Yesterday Palestinians elected Mahmoud Abbas as their next president, over seven other candidates.
The elections went well – only two candidates are missing.
Palestinian election observers reported seeing chaos and confusion at the polls and said that many people were unable to cast votes.
Finally, they've got a western style democracy.
Celebrity news: Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston have split up.
I'm wondering, is it too early to stalk her yet?
Carlos Beltran has agreed to a seven-year, $119 million contract with the New York Mets.
The deal isn't official until he has a physical – so he can have his head examined.
Last night here on CBS they had the People's Choice Awards.
Michael Moore walked away with the favorite movie award – and half of the post show buffet.
I was voted Favorite Late Night Talk Show Host – which is part of my contract with CBS.
A U.S. nuclear submarine ran aground in the Pacific this weekend.
I believe that's the biggest thing to hit the beach since Michael Moore's last vacation.
Yesterday in Green Bay Minnesota Vikings wide receiver Randy Moss pretended to moon the crowd after scoring a touchdown.
I believe this was the most embarrassing performance on TV since I hosted the Academy Awards.
At the Alaska Zoo officials say they're planning to build a 9,000-pound treadmill so their elephant, Maggie, can get more exercise.
It's the same thing they're doing with Kirstie Alley.
Scientists in Egypt last week did a CT scan of King Tutankhamun's 3,000 year-old mummy to try and determine what he died from.
And if it works on him, then they'll try it on Joan Rivers.
Last week Senator Joe Lieberman introduced a bill in Congress that would spend $30 billion on a global tsunami warning system.
The system would involve a complex network of buoys, wave gauges and seismic sensors – and alarm that goes off any time Kirstie Alley goes near the ocean.
FRIDAY JOKES
Down in Washington they're busy getting ready for next week's inauguration.
The Secret Service has already worked out a secure route for the Bush twins' post inaugural pub crawl.
Over in Iraq they're busying preparing for elections later this month.
U.S. election advisors are over there converting all the crooked voting machines to Arabic.
U.S. election advisors are over there teaching them how to hold a crooked election.
Earlier today Ralph Nader announced he's officially on the ballot.
Out of habit, earlier today President Bush promised to cut taxes in Iraq if he's elected.
Out of habit, the Republicans launched a smear campaign against John Kerry.
Celebrity birthdays: Andy Rooney turns 86 today.
I sent him a birthday card that said “Happy Birthday from one cranky, old bastard to another.”
A cigar maker in Puerto Rico has hand-rolled a 62-foot-long cigar, a new world record.
I believe that the biggest thing that somebody has hand-rolled since – Bill Clinton.
Alitalia klight attendants are refusing to serve in-flight meals as part of a labor dispute.
I'm not sure this is a good strategy. Alitalia passengers are saying they've never enjoyed flying more.
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January 6, 2005.
Web Posted at: 10:35 am UTC
I hate talking about people when they're not here but last night's audience was rough.
They'd all just come back from booing Ashlee Simpson at the Orange Bowl.
Ashlee Simpson was booed after her half-time performance at the Orange Bowl the other night.
She feels pretty bad about her performance. Earlier today she lip-synced an apology.
The Electoral College met earlier today and officially certified George Bush's reelection.
Which means this should be the last time you ever hear the words “college” and “George Bush” in the same sentence.
President Bush has donated $10,000 of his own money to the tsunami relief effort.
Not only that, but he's also pledged to donate his entire 2004 Halliburton bonus too.
Up on the International Space Station this week the main oxygen generator has failed, forcing the two astronauts on board to use emergency back-up supplies.
Engineers say it's not a problem; they'll run out of food way before they run out of oxygen.
And just to be sure they don't run out of hot air, NASA is piping in Rush Limbaugh's show.
Attorney General nominee Alberto Gonzales says that if he's confirmed as Attorney General he won't support torturing prisoners.
Finally, President Bush has nominated a liberal.
Over in Central Park they're hanging 25-miles of saffron colored fabric for an art exhibit.
It's enough fabric to wrap around the entire park – or J. Lo's ass.
It's part of a beautification project for Central Park that also includes adding the world's largest urinal cake.
A Nebraska man who once weighed over 1,000 pounds is now down to 650 pounds and is hoping to eventually get down to 240 pounds.
He says his weight loss has slowed a bit which isn't surprising since, you know, it's always those last 400 pounds that are the hardest to lose.
Sources say that Martha Stewart has lost 10 pounds in prison.
Not only that, but she's also doubled the amount she can bench press.
Playboy magazine is going to start offering naked pictures that can be downloaded to your iPod.
That's good because if there's one complaint I have about the Internet, it's the lack of easy access to porn.
A middle school teacher in Virginia has been charged with having oral sex with one of her students.
The good news is her students have elected her Teacher of the Year.
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January 5, 2005.
Web Posted at: 11:20 am UTC
Congratulations to the USC Trojans who beat Oklahoma last night in the Orange Bowl to win the college football national championship.
Heisman Trophy winner Matt Leinart threw five passes in the win. I believe a Hesiman Trophy winner from UC hasn't killed somebody like that since – O.J.
Here in New York City workers are wrapping Central Park in 25 miles of saffron colored fabric.
It's like Central Park is getting a queer makeover.
NBC announced this week that George Clooney and Christina Aguilera will appear in a telethon to benefit tsunami survivors.
Haven't these people suffered enough?
The Bush administration is reportedly considering a change to Social Security that could result in lower benefits for today's young people by the time they retire.
The good news is that lower Social Security benefits for today's young people will be offset by military pensions.
A new study out of weight-loss programs finds that none of them actually help people to lose weight and keep it off in the long run.
Experts say the best way to lose weight remains eating right, exercising – and looking at Michael Moore.
A 59-year-old great-grandmother who claimed she was pregnant with twins admitted this week that she's not pregnant.
Which makes this the best news I've had all year.
Consumer Reports magazine for the first time has come out with ratings for condoms.
They really put the condoms through vigorous testing. What they did was, they took each of the leading brands of condoms and they asked Bill Clinton to try it out.
The FBI has arrested a New Jersey man for aiming a laser beam at the cockpit of two commercial airplanes.
Authorities say this was pretty dangerous because it actually startled the pilots awake.
Scott Peterson's former girlfriend Amber Frey has published a book.
In the book we find out just what a low life and a skunk this guy really was. It's just like Hillary Clinton's book.
Out in California a witness in the Robert Blake trial says that his behavior right after his wife was murdered seemed unnatural and forced – just like his acting.
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January 4, 2005.
Web Posted at: 11:30 am UTC
Earlier tonight in Florida they had the college football championship game at the Orange Bowl, between USC and Oklahoma.
O.J. Simpson was there – which explains the extra security around the cheerleaders.
Yesterday President Bush named former President Clinton to lead fundraising efforts for tsunami victims here in the U.S.
It's a massive fundraising effort. This will be the biggest thing Clinton has taken on since – Monica.
Yesterday President Bush named former President Clinton and his father to lead fundraising efforts for tsunami victims.
President Clinton will focus on the big donors – and his father will focus on the rich ones.
This week Florida Governor Jeb Bush is visiting South Asia to report back on the damage from last week's tsunami.
He's got a lot of experience overseeing disaster relief efforts – like after the 2000 election.
The trip's going well. He's already gathered lots of information – and several hundred more votes for President Bush.
This week marks the one-year anniversary of the Spirit rover landing on Mars.
Experts say the only thing that's been functioning in outer space longer than Spirit is Michael Jackson.
John Kerry said in a recent interview that he hasn't ruled out a running for president again in 2008.
Aides say he's keeping his financial options open – he's still sleeping with Teresa.
Secretary of State Colin Powell says that he's ruled running for political office in the future.
However, he said that he still hasn't ruled out kicking Rumsfeld's ass.
On Fox this week they debuted “Who's Your Daddy?” a reality show where a woman tries to guess which one of eight men is her biological father.
Some people are upset about this show, but I'm just glad I'm not in the mix.
Former NBA star Charles Barkley is publishing his autobiography called “Why Do White People Hate Me?”
Damn – that was what I was going to call my autobiography.
Michael Jackson's ex-wife is putting her wedding ring up for sale on eBay.
The high bidder also gets the nose Michael had when he gave it to her.
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January 3, 2005.
Web Posted at: 10:25 am UTC
Happy New Year! It's 2005 but I'm still writing 2004 on my police reports.
I took mom down to Times Square on New Year's Eve and it was nuts.
There were so many people there we were squeezed, we were groped, we were fondled – she's already asking if we can go again next year.
I went down to Times Square for New Year's Eve and security was really tight.
I was patted down, I was felt up, I was groped – and that was just by the hookers.
Best wishes to Dick Clark, who's still in the hospital recovering from a stroke.
He spent the night in bed surrounded by nurses and family members watching “Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve” on TV. It's the same way I spent New Year's Eve.
Colin Powell dropped the big crystal ball at the New Year's Eve festivities in Times Square.
Out of habit, after he dropped the ball, he blamed Donald Rumsfeld.
It's the biggest ball he's dropped since he tried to justify the Iraq war.
For the New Year's Eve celebration in Times Square this year they added a new twist.
At midnight, every woman in Times Square got a kiss from Bernard Kerik.
The New York Yankees got Randy Johnson from the Arizona Diamondbacks for two pitchers and a prospect.
In order to seal the deal the Yankees also had to give up $9 million in cash. It's the same way Donald Trump finalized his engagement.
Liza Minelli was hospitalized last week after she fell out of bed and hit her head.
Apparently what happened was, her bodyguard found her unconscious and sent her to the hospital. That's kind of unusual – usually she's the one sending people to the hospital.
Yesterday was the last day of the NFL's regular season and the New York Jets clinched a playoff spot.
Out of habit, earlier today they fired the coach.
Scientists are calling the big earthquake that hit off the coast of Indonesia last week a “megathrust.”
A megathrust is a very powerful shift in the Earth's crust. It's also the thing that got Bill Clinton impeached.
Scientists say the big earthquake that hit off the coast of Indonesia last week had the same effect a million atomic bombs – or one Jennifer Lopez-Ben Affleck movie.
Scientists say the big earthquake that hit off the coast of Indonesia last week actually jolted the rotation of the Earth and raised ocean levels.
They say it's the same thing that happens when Michael Moore goes swimming.
Martha Stewart lost a Christmas decorating contest in prison.
The good news is later that night she won a knife fight in the showers.
Over in the Ukraine former Prime Minister Viktor Yanukovych is refusing to admit defeat in the recent presidential election and is vowing to challenge the results in the Supreme Court.
The good news is it sounds like they've finally got a Western style democracy in the Ukraine.
Good news: the murder rate here in New York City in 2004 was at its lowest level since the 1960s.
Don't kid yourself, the decline in murders has hurt some people. Today I saw a guy by the side of the road holding a sign that read “Will draw chalk outlines of bodies for food.”
More good news here in New York: no New York City cab drivers have been killed on duty in the last two years.
That doesn't include suicide bombings.
Donald Trump is coming out with his own line of hair care products.
It's going to include shampoo, conditioner and rug cleaner.
A federal appeals court judge has thrown out a ruling that awarded $88.5 million to Anna Nicole Smith from the estate of her 90-year-old husband.
She's vowed to appeal it to the Supreme Court – or to at least marry a Supreme Court justice.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Katie Couric turns 48 today.
I thought this was nice: In honor of her birthday she got 48 dirty phone calls from Bill O'Reilly.
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