From July 2003 until October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN. I wrote and submitted about 10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used. But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get paid for it!

Dave is one of my top two all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It never, ever got old.

This section displays all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is). Use the archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.

Jokes highlighted in bold were used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention. You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by Jay and Carson and Jimmy) on my Late Night Jokes page.

Enjoy!

Martha Stewart posted a Christmas message today on her web site.

In it she complains about the prison food. She says the chocolate mousse just isn't up to snuff.

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Martha says she's been busy in prison washing, scrubbing, sweeping, and vacuuming.

And that's just what she does for fun.

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Out in California the Robert Blake murder trial is underway.

Legal experts say it doesn't look good for him. Apparently he doesn't have an alibi – or a Heisman Trophy.

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The University of Arkansas has bought a house that Bill and Hillary Clinton lived in during the 1970s.

It's an historic house – it's still got the mark in the wall where Hillary threw her first lamp at Bill.

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Yesterday the Air Force successfully launched a Delta 4 Heavy rocket, one of the largest rockets ever. It's 232 feet tall and generates more than 50 million horsepower.

It's designed to lift large military objects into space – or take Michael Moore on vacation.

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Secretary of State Colin Powell is going to drop the famous crystal ball in Times Square on New Year's Eve this year.

The organizers first choice was Donald Rumsfeld – but he's too busy dropping the ball on Iraq.

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Big news from baseball: the Yankees three-way trade to get Randy Johnson has fallen through because the Los Angeles Dodgers have pulled out of the deal.

I believe this is the biggest thing somebody has pulled out of since – Bill Clinton.

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Today I saw a sure sign that it's almost Christmas.

This morning my cab driver had a nativity scene in his turban.

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Two nights from tonight Santa Claus will be entering our air space and today President Bush issued his usual Christmas orders to the Air Force – shoot to kill.

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Yesterday was the busiest shipping day of the year – more than 20 million packages were delivered.

Experts say one big reason for that number was the increase in online shopping – and Star Jones having a hankering for some take-out.

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President Bush granted four pardons yesterday, which makes 31 total since he became president.

President Clinton granted lots of pardons, which isn't surprising since he always he had somebody in his office on their knees.

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In Israel archaeologists claim they've found the site of Jesus' first miracle, where he supposedly turned water into wine at a wedding.

They say it was also the site of his second miracle – where he kept the best man from making a drunken ass of himself.

They were able to confirm that they've found a wedding site from Jesus' time by carbon dating a piece of chicken roll.

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Today is the first day of winter, which means last night was the longest night of the year.

Last night was so long Paris Hilton made two sex videos.

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It's been really cold here in New York City.

Here's a tip for you tourists in town: when it gets this cold, watch out for the yellow ice.

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President Bush held a press conference yesterday.

It was his 17th press conference since he became president – and the first since he won an election.

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During his press conference yesterday President Bush said Donald Rumsfeld is doing a “really fine job.”

That's right – he's ignoring memos again.

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President Bush vowed yesterday to cut the federal budget deficit in half in five years.

He said he'd cut the deficit in half in five years – or by 2009, whichever comes first.

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Saddam Hussein's lawyer was allowed to meet with him for the first time last week.

He said it was a little scary being face-to-face with such a mean and despicable character – and the lawyer said it was scary for him too.

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CBS is reportedly interested in hiring Katie Couric to replace Dan Rather.

They're not sure about Katie, yet, though. Apparently, she may not have enough experience faking memos.

It's all part of a big plan. First, they get Katie to replace Dan Rather. Then, they get Al Roker to replace Mike Wallace.

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Good news for Harry Potter fans: author J.K. Rowling announced this week that she's finished the sixth book in the series.

She says in this book Harry will face his scariest foe yet. It's titled “Harry Potter and the King of Pop.”

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A plane carrying $24 million worth of cocaine crashed in West Virginia this past weekend.

The good news is Whitney Houston is OK.

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There's a new poll out that shows that most Americans disapprove of the job Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld is doing.

The good news is most Americans would still trust him to walk their prisoners around naked on a leash.

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Congratulations to President Bush who was named Time magazine's Person of the Year for 2004.

President Bush was chosen by a small panel of judges. It's the same way he became president.

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The day after Time magazine announced the winner, out of habit, John Kerry called President Bush to concede.

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Last week President Bush signed into law a bill that will create a new director of national intelligence.

Experts say the bill should really help streamline and reduce the number of intelligence memos that President Bush has to ignore.

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The New York Yankees are reportedly going to get Randy Johnson in a three-way trade with the Arizona Diamondbacks and the Los Angeles Dodgers.

If it happens this would be the biggest three-way deal in New York since Bernard Kerik stopped dating.

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Last week Rupert Murdoch agreed to pay $44 million for an apartment on Fifth Avenue, the most ever paid for a Manhattan apartment.

It's pretty swanky. It even comes with gold-plated rat traps.

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Michael Jackson hosted a Christmas party for 200 kids over the weekend at his home in California.

The party went well – only 10 kids have filed charges.

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The U.S. government announced last week that it's forgiven $4.1 billion in Iraqi debt.

And if it works for Iraq, they're going to try it for Donald Trump.

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Up there in Minnesota, they're building a power plant that runs on turkey droppings and that will burn 700,000 tons of turkey dung a year.

Officials say that's enough crap to power 55,000 homes – or four more years of President Bush's foreign policy.

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Last week at Newark International Airport screeners failed to detect a fake bomb that had planted in luggage as part of a training exercise.

What they did was, they planted a DVD of “Gigli” in a bag.

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Earlier today in California they had opening arguments in the Robert Blake murder trial.

Legal experts say the trial could take several months – which means he should be back on the streets by the summer.

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THURSDAY JOKES

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Tomorrow night is Christmas Eve.

I've finished all my shopping. All I've got left to do is wrap mom's cigarettes.

By now Santa has finished making his list and right about now his lawyers are checking it twice.

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Two days to Christmas and everybody's busy with last minute preparations for Christmas.

Right about now Bernard Kerik is trying to get the labels right on the presents for his wives and mistresses.

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Bad news from the North Pole today: Santa Claus isn't feeling well and isn't going to be able work on Christmas Eve.

But the good news is Regis Philbin will be filling in for him.

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There's nothing like Christmas time in New York City.

Today in Times Square I saw Santa Claus picking up a hooker.

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Every year it seems like more and more people are looking for Christmas tips.

Here's how crazy it's getting: earlier today, I gave a tip to the homeless guy in front of the theater who gives me the finger every day.

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My mom is coming to our house for Christmas again this year

I always enjoy having mom come to visit, but after she's gone it always takes a couple of weeks to get the cigar smell out of the house.

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Mom is staying with us for Christmas this year and she's been telling Harry the same thing she used to tell me when I was little.

On Christmas Eve, make sure you leave out a plate of cookies for Santa – and a glass of whiskey.

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Martha Stewart is spending this Christmas in prison.

Don't kid yourself, that prison she's in is pretty tough. Tomorrow night at their Christmas Eve dinner each prisoner will be limited to one glass of mulled wine.

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Martha Stewart has been busy getting ready for Christmas in prison.

Yesterday she decked the halls with boughs of holly and today she decked a prison guard.

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Even though she's in prison, Martha Stewart will be celebrating a traditional Christmas.

On Christmas day she'll have a visit from her family, a roast beef dinner – and a body cavity search.

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There was a new audiotape from Osama bin Laden released today.

Experts say they can tell it's recent because after denouncing America he does a rendition of “White Christmas.”

Experts say they can tell it's recent because he gives a shout out to Dick Clark.

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Regis Philbin is going to replace Dick Clark as host of “Dick Clark's New Years Rockin' Eve” this year.

So Regis Philbin will host this year and then in 2009 Conan O'Brien will take it over.

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President Bush's daughter Jenna says she's going to teach public school in Washington, D.C.

As a teacher, her workday will be over by 2:00 each afternoon and she'll all of her summers off – just like her father.

Apparently it's true – she's been seen in Washington shopping for a place to drink.

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It was really cold here in New York City today.

It was so cold, for lunch today I had a nice steaming bowl of cream of Dioxin soup.

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It was so cold today that my cab driver asked me if I wanted him to turn up the heat. I said yes so he started eating some spicy Chinese food.

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Sad news: Al Gore's mother Pauline died yesterday at the age of 92.

I thought this was nice – he's having her embalmed by the same people who embalmed him.

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The U.N. announced this week that 2004 is the fourth-hottest year ever.

They say the reasons are global warming – and Michael Moore eating a lot more spicy food.

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The New York City's Medical Examiner's office announced yesterday that Ol' Dirty Bastard died of a drug overdose last month.

Really, you could knock me over with a feather right now.

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There's a new study out that shows that married people are healthier than unmarried people.

Well, sure, just look at me.

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James Brown had surgery this week for prostate cancer.

His doctors say he's doing well and he should be in police custody again in no time.

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Britney Spears recently ordered a $150 steak for her pet Chihuahua Bitbit in Las Vegas.

Apparently, her dogs eat better than her husbands.

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Boy was it cold here today in New York City.

It was so cold today I went to one of those street vendors and ordered a big steaming cup of the hot dog water.

Here's how cold it was: I saw one of those street vendors pouring anti-freeze in the hot dog water.

It was so cold that, for warmth, those apartment hawks have moved from 5th Avenue to Donald Trump's hair.

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Only ten more days until Christmas and everybody's busy finishing their shopping.

Bernard Kerik finished shopping for his loved ones today. Now he just needs to shop for his wife.

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Yesterday President Bush awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom to three recipients.

Today two of the recipients announced their resignations.

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The Bush Administration is still looking for a replacement for Tom Ridge as Director of Homeland Security.

Apparently, they're still not being very careful about doing background checks. Today they nominated Scott Peterson.

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The Bush Administration reportedly asked Senator Joe Lieberman to be the Director of Homeland Security, but he turned them down.

Apparently this is just another case of the Bush Administration not doing their research on a nominee – they didn't realize he was a Democrat.

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New statistics out this week show that executions in the U.S. are down for the fifth straight year.

And today President Bush demanded some answers.

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NASA said this week that the Spirit rover has found more evidence of water on Mars.

In fact, NASA is so sure there's water on Mars that President Bush has already awarded the bottling contract to Halliburton.

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The National Hockey League owners and players rejected each other's offer this week so it looks like the whole season is going to be canceled.

Finally, some good news for Rangers fans.

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Congratulations to Anna Kournikova and Enrique Iglesias, who just got married.

This will be the first divorce for both.

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Here in New York City they announced this week that tolls and fares are going up next year.

So if you're coming to the city next year this will mean higher prices for subways, buses, commuter trains – and hookers.

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A new study out finds that the longer immigrants live in the United States the more likely they are to become obese.

If you think about it that's pretty smart – that way they can just blend in with the population.

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Pedro Martinez has agreed to a four-year contract to play for the New York Mets.

The deal isn't official until he has a physical – so he can have his head examined.

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There's a new book coming out that claims that Abraham Lincoln was gay.

Which would explain why he was at the theater that night.

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Out in California Scott Peterson has been convicted and sentenced to death for murdering his pregnant wife.

He's really in trouble now. Legal experts say that it may be years before he's acquitted of all charges.

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Iraqi Prime Minister Ayad Allawi said today that war crimes trials for former members of Saddam Hussein's regime would begin next week.

He didn't say whether Saddam's trial would start next week but it's looking it might: today he was deloused again.

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Yesterday President Bush nominated former Utah governor Mike Leavitt to be the next Secretary of Health and Human Services.

Before he accepted the nomination, Leavitt took some time to talk it over with his wives.

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A woman in Ohio recently had a 66-pound tumor removed from her body.

Doctors say it was the largest useless growth removed from a woman since Jennifer Lopex Lopex dumped Ben Affleck.

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Yesterday ABC announced that Regis Philbin will host “Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve” this year while Dick Clark is recovering from a stroke.

So, let this be a lesson – be careful what you wish for.

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Good news: major crime here in New York is down again this year.

You can tell crime really is down here in New York. The last person to pull a gun on me was mom.

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This week in France they opened the world's tallest roadway bridge.

Officials say the bridge is almost 900 feet tall and 1.6 miles long and should reduce the time it takes the German army to get to Paris by several days.

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Donald Trump says he's considering offers to televise his wedding next month.

Not only that, but now Barbara Walters is in negotiations for an exclusive interview with Donald Trump's hair.

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President Bush had his annual physical this weekend.

His doctor's gave him a clean bill of health – and a lollipop.

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After his exam President Bush's doctor's declared him “fit for duty.”

When he heard that, out of habit, President Bush tried to get out of it.

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I just got my invitation to Donald Trump's wedding in January.

I'm pretty excited about it – for once I won't be the guy with the worst hair.

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Congratulations to USC quarterback Matt Leinart for winning the Heisman Trophy this weekend.

That makes him the sixth Heisman Tophy winner from USC – and the fifth one who hasn't murdered anybody.

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Martha Stewart is going to host a new TV show when she gets out of prison next year.

The show's topics will include cooking, entertaining, decorating – and home tattooing.

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Up in Massachusetts last week the first gay married couple filed for divorce.

I believe they're the first gay men to file for divorce since – David Gest.

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President Bush's nominee for Secretary of Homeland Security, Bernard Kerik, withdrew his name from consideration after admitting that he hired an illegal alien as a nanny. Now there are rumors that he was having two extramarital affairs at the same time.

He's obviously not cut out to be in charge of homeland security – he's presidential material.

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Dick Clark was hospitalized last week after suffering a minor stroke.

The bad news is he may not be able to host “Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve” this year. The good news is he may not be able to host “Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve” this year

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Last night here on CBS they had the big “Survivor” finale.

The way it works is, they start with 18 people and within a few weeks there's only one person left. It's just like President Bush's cabinet.

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Kobe Bryant has accused his teammate Karl Malone of making a pass at his wife.

Apparently what happened was he showed her some of his jewelry.

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Police in California say they've found Michael Jackson's fingerprints on pornographic magazines.

Now comes the hard part: finding his fingerprints on him.

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FRIDAY

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After today there's only seven shopping days left before Christmas and people are getting crazy.

Today I went shopping and saw long lines, I saw pushing, I saw shoving – and that was just to get a hooker.

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It's only one week until Christmas and all over New York people are getting ready for Santa's arrival.

Everywhere you look people are installing those anti-pigeon spikes on their roofs.

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I always leave my Christmas shopping until the last minute.

Every year on Christmas Eve I'm out shopping for mom in the liqour stores.

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Down there in West Virginia Martha Stewart is celebrating the Twelve Days of Christmas with a different escape attempt each day.

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Martha Stewart will be spending Christmas in prison this year.

She's having a hard time. Today she was busted for smuggling in mistletoe.

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Even though she's in prison, Martha's still making homemade Christmas gifts.

This year all of her family and friends are getting personalized license plates.

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Don't kid yourself, the prison Martha's in is pretty tough.

For the prison Christmas party, each inmate only got one glass of mulled wine.

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Last night on NBC they had the finale of “The Apprentice.”

In the final episode each person had to lead his own company and the winner was the one whose company filed for bankruptcy first.

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The holiday shopping season has started here in New York City and it's getting crazy.

Earlier today I was shopping and I got into a tug-of-war with another shopper – we each had one end of a hooker.

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Well, it's that time of year again, maybe you know what I'm talking about – holiday parties.

It's crazy. Everybody I know is having a holiday party – and I can't get invited to a single one.

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There's a rumor that the Yankees are going to trade for Arizona Diamondbacks ace Randy Johnson.

It looks like it's really going to happen. Earlier today Randy Johnson and his wife were seen in New York City shopping for handguns.

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Yankees star Jason Giambi admitted in court last year that he used steroids.

Here's what he said he used to do: he used to inject steroids into his buttocks, and he would rub a testosterone-based balm onto his body. It's the same regimen Janet Reno used to follow.

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Yesterday in Haiti gunfire broke out near where Secretary of State Colin Powell was meeting with Haitian leaders.

Luckily, Powell wasn't hurt and President Bush and Vice President Cheney were safe, far away from the shooting – just like during Vietnam.

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Celebrity birthdays: Britney Spears turns 23 today.

Her friends got her a lovely present – a gift certificate for three free weddings.

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Britney Spears has a new fragrance out for the holidays, called “Curious.”

The commercials say it's the perfect scent for your drunken, weekend marriage.

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Paris Hilton has a new fragrance out for the holidays called, “Paris Hilton.”

They say it has the scent of frozen apple, peach nectar and wet teacup Chihuahua.

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Luciano Pavarotti says that he's going to retire from performing after his current tour ends.

He says he wants to spend more time with his family chef.

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The Detroit Pistons have banned two fans involved in the big brawl with the Indiana Pacers from attending their games.

The punishment is pretty harsh. Not only are they barred from Pistons games, but they're also required to go to Knicks games.

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You can tell the holiday season is really in full swing here in New York City.

Earlier today I went up to Rockefeller Center and saw a line of tourists waiting to urinate under the big Christmas tree.

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Celebrity birthdays: Woody Allen turns 69 today.

He celebrated by having a quiet dinner with his wife/daughter.

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Over on NBC earlier tonight Tom Brokaw anchored his last broadcast of the NBC Nightly News

At one point it looked like he was getting all choked up – but he was just trying to pronounce “Miklaszewski” one last time.

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Tom Ridge resigned as Director of Homeland Security yesterday.

He's already got a job lined up working up a color chart for the NBA.

He said now that Ron Artest has been suspended for the season, there's not much for him to do.

President Bush said he's already looking for a replacement with a lot of experience in the field of primary colors.

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Martha Stewart reportedly is planning a new lifestyle TV show after she gets out of prison.

The working title is “Pimp My Foyer.”

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Prosecutors in Michigan say they're going to charge several members of the Indiana Pacers with assault for that big brawl in Detroit.

If Ron Artest thinks the fans in Detroit are mean – just wait until he's in a cell with Martha Stewart.

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President Bush continued his visit to Canada today where he thanked the Canadians for their help after September 11.

I thought this was nice: he even tried to say thank you in English.

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This week Bridges TV, a new Muslim lifestyle and entertainment cable channel, debuted here in the U.S.

They've already got some heavy hitters lined up. For example, Osama bin Laden has his own cooking show.

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Wal-Mart announced this week that they're going to cut their prices for Christmas.

That's good news because if there's one complaint I have about Wal-Mart, it's that they're too pricey.

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Ken Jennings finally lost on Jeopardy last night after 74 straight wins.

Which means that I am once again the biggest geek on television.

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Here in New York there's a hotel offering a $10,000 martini that comes with a diamond at the bottom of the glass.

It's called the Kobe Bryant Martini.

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