Chumworth on the News – 2004

Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show

From July 2003 until October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN. I wrote and submitted about 10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used. But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get paid for it!

Dave is one of my top two all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It never, ever got old.

This section displays all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is). Use the archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.

Jokes highlighted in bold were used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention. You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by Jay and Carson and Jimmy) on my Late Night Jokes page.

Enjoy!

President Bush was in Canada today.

President Bush hates going to Canada – a country with two languages he can't speak.

Yesterday the White House Christmas tree arrived at the White House.

Out of habit, when he saw the tree President Bush introduced legislation to allow loggers to cut it down.

The tree is an 18 1/2-foot Noble fir from Washington State.

The tree is so tall they had to carry it in on its side and remove low hanging light fixtures. It's the same way they used to get Janet Reno in the White House.

NAACP President Kweisi Mfume announced his resignation earlier today.

President Bush said he's looking forward to working with a new NAACP leader with an easier name to pronounce.

Earlier this week President Bush nominated Carlos Gutierrez, the CEO of Kellogg Cereal, to be the next Commerce Secretary.

President Bush announced the selection by pulling him out of a box of Corn Flakes.

When asked why he chose Gutierrez, Bush said because he's grrrrreat!

A new videotape made by Osama bin Laden's right-hand man, Ayman al-Zawahiri, was released this week.

al-Zawahiri is like Osama bin Laden's Dick Cheney – but not as mean.

Experts think the tape may not be recent because he mentions that the Indiana Pacers should win the eastern division if they can keep Ron Artest out of trouble.

The gladiator movie “Alexander” has turned out to be a big flop.

Apparently the only person who liked it was Jim McGreevey.

Celebrity birthdays: Clay Aiken turns 26 today.

He celebrated by giving himself a queer makeover.

Celebrity birthdays: Dick Clark turns 75 today.

Some people believe there are parts of him that may even be older than that.

Over the weekend at the big Toys 'R' Us store here in New York City 3,000 customers were pepper sprayed.

The good news is that's a 10% increase in the number of people who were pepper-sprayed during the same shopping weekend last year.

Earlier tonight they had the premier of “The Real Gilligan's Island,” where they stranded two sets of cast members on an island.

Sitting there watching “Gilligan's Island” and seeing two of everyone reminded me of my drinking days.

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More information is coming out about Martha Stewart's time in prison.

Apparently, the other inmates all want to sit with her in the cafeteria – at least until she's had a couple of drinks.

There are also reports now that the prison guards are treating Martha Stewart with kid gloves.

Martha's denied it, saying that technically they're cashmere

Pakistan announced last week that they can't find Osama bin Laden and that they're giving up looking for him.

It's the same policy that the Bush administration has had for years.

Economists say that Americans spent $23 billion over this past weekend.

Apparently, Kobe Bryant got his Christmas shopping done early this year.

New audiotapes from Princess Diana were released last week in which she says that Prince Charles was hopeless in bed and that their sexual relationship was odd.

I'm thinking this guy has stolen all my moves.

Congratulations to Julia Roberts who gave birth to twins yesterday, named Hazel and Phinnaeus.

Mom is doing well but the babies are already being teased by the other babies.

Officials in Iraq say that despite recent terrorist attacks elections will still be held on January 30.

They say the vote can't be postponed because they've already placed the order for the crooked voting machines.

Over the weekend an oil tanker spilled 30,000 gallons of oil into the Delaware River.

Experts say this is the biggest environmental disaster to hit American waters since the last time Courtney Love went to the beach.

Good news: Organizers of the Vibe Awards say they're definitely planning to hold the event again next year.

Not all the details have been worked out yet. They're still putting together the under card.

The Red Cross says that every six to eight weeks they visit Saddam Hussein to monitor his health and to bring him letters from his family.

It's the same thing they do with Dick Cheney.

FRIDAY JOKES

Celebrity birthdays: Happy birthday to Ozzy Osbourne today.

Ozzy's wife made him a cake with 56 candles – one for each trip to rehab.

His family celebrated with a quite dinner and intervention.

I've got big plans coming up for the weekend.

Mom and I are going to go Christmas shopping for our cats.

Today I saw a sure sign that the holiday season is here in New York City.

I saw one of those Salvation Army guys with bell on the sidewalk asking people “Did you get a look at the guy who robbed me?!”

You can really tell the Christmas season is under way here in New York City.

Today on my way to work, I was cut off and cursed at by an elf.

You can really tell it's Christmas time here in New York.

Yesterday they had the annual lighting up of the New York Giants.

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Happy Thanksgiving!

You've come to the right place today, because you're looking at the biggest turkey on television.

President Bush celebrated Thanksgiving down at his ranch in Texas.

It was a cozy affair. He built a roaring fire from all of his ignored intelligence memos.

Earlier today here in New York they had the big Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade.

The parade was a big success – only three high school marching bands are missing.

There was one awkward moment during the Macy's parade when the balloon workers tried to attach guide wires to Michael Moore.

The Macy's parade went smoothly until somebody threw a beer at Santa Claus and he charged into the crowd.

It was so windy today down at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade they had trouble controlling some of the big balloons.

It was so bad they had to use 10 extra guys just to hold onto J. Lo's ass.

You can tell it's Thanksgiving here in New York.

Earlier today in Central Park I saw two rats roasting a pigeon.

The hookers in Times Square are offering their annual Thanksgiving Day special.

For an extra $10, you can go back for extra helpings.

There was an interview earlier this week with a man claiming to be Osama bin Laden's brother-in-law.

Experts are confident the man in the video is his brother-in-law because he mentions that he still owes bin Laden money.

There's a new audio tape supposedly made by terrorist Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.

Experts are confident the tape is recent because in it Zarqawi says he thinks Ron Artest's suspension was too harsh.

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Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and the Butterball Turkey Hotline will be busy.

They'll be taking calls about breasts, thighs and stuffing your bird all day long – and those are just the calls from Bill O'Reilly.

Dan Rather announced yesterday that he's stepping down as the anchor of the “CBS Evening News” next March.

Here at CBS we don't think of it as losing anchor; we think of it as gaining another viewer in our key demographic.

He's not retiring – he'll be staying on as a special “fake memo” consultant.

CBS says they don't know yet who will succeed Dan Rather.

So, if you're interested, send your resume and fake memo samples to CBS News.

Martha Stewart said this week that she's staying fit and healthy in prison.

She said she's actually glad to finally have some time to work on her glutes.

Martha Stewart is getting ready for her first Thanksgiving in prison.

Here's her schedule for tomorrow: visitors in the morning visitors, a traditional Thanksgiving dinner in the afternoon – and in the evening a knife fight in the shower.

Michael Moore has been named the least-intriguing celebrity of 2004.

The good news is I'm still the least-intriguing celebrity pound-for-pound.

More resignations over at the White House: yesterday President Bush's top economic adviser Stephen Friedman resigned.

He's says he'll remain on the job until a successor is named by Halliburton.

They had an election in the Ukraine last week and now the opposition party leader who lost the election has declared himself president.

Psychologists say he's just going through the classic five stages of denial. Currently, he's still in the Al Gore stage.

Ruben Studdard has been hospitalized for exhaustion and won't be able to promote his new album for the rest of this week.

Industry experts say this could really cost millions of dollars – and that's just in turkey sales.

Oprah Winfrey gave away $4.5 million worth of goods to her audience on Monday, including TVs, computer and washer/dryers.

She's been giving away so much stuff lately that President Bush's plan to save social security is now to send all senior citizens to attend a taping of her show.

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Some of President Bush's plans for his second term are coming to light.

Earlier today he announced his roadmap for peace in the NBA.

After that big brawl between the players and the fans on Friday night the NBA is really cracking down on unruly fans.

Today they announced that they will eject any fans throwing beer at the players after the third quarter.

This past weekend in Chile the government cancelled a state dinner for President Bush after the Secret Service insisted on making all the guests go through a metal detector.

They Secret Service had a similar policy when Clinton president: No state dinners unless Bill got to pat down all the women.

Major League Baseball officially announced yesterday that the Montreal Expos will play in Washington, D.C. next season.

So here's how it will work: they'll be in Washington for half the summer and for the other half of the summer they'll be out of town. It's the same schedule President Bush has.

Over in England this week burglars broke into Ozzy Osbourne's house and stole a bunch of his jewelry.

The good news is they didn't get his silver tongue.

Over in England Ozzy Osbourne fought off a burglar who broke into his house in the middle of the night.

Don't kid yourselves; this was a life or death situation. Ozzy's wife Sharon was this close to not getting it all on film.

Camden, New Jersey has been named the most dangerous city in America.

That's amazing; they don't even have an NBA team.

Donald Trump's casinos filed for bankruptcy earlier this week.

He's says they're a mess, he's tried everything he knows and now he needs government intervention to straighten it all out. It's the same problem he has with his hair.

What that means is, Donald Trump will have to get approval from the bankruptcy court before making any major supermodel transactions.

Here in New York the artist Christo is going to put up 23 miles of fabric in Central Park next year.

It's just what Central Park needs – a giant slip-cover.

This week a woman in Florida sold a 10-year-old grilled cheese sandwich that has an image of the Virgin Mary on it for $28,000 on eBay.

Apparently the bidding started getting out of hand when Michael Moore got involved.

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MONDAY JOKES

Ron Artest of the Indiana Pacers has been suspended for the rest of theseason by the NBA for going into the stands and brawling with the fans in Detroit during a game on Friday night.

The good news is he's been named to host next year's Vibe Awards.

President Bush met with Chilean President Ricardo Lagos in Santiago this weekend.

They really tried to make President Bush feel at home. They presented him with ten ceremonial cabinet resignations.

President Bush took the opportunity to compliment President Lagos on his country's fine baby back ribs.

Condoleezza Rice underwent surgery for non-cancerous growths of her uterus on Friday.

Forget Secretary of State; she's vice presidential material.

Officials at Martha Stewart's prison have told her that she won't be allowed in the kitchen to help prepare Thanksgiving dinner.

However, as a compromise, they are going to allow her to help pick out the wine.

Over in Iraq this weekend they announced that national elections will officially take place on January 30.

When he heard the news, out of habit, John Kerry scheduled a duck hunting trip to Fallujah.

The NFL announced this week that Paul McCartney will perform during the Super Bowl half time show in February.

It's a pretty safe choice. The only thing likely to pop out during his performance are his teeth.

Fred Hale Sr., the world's oldest man, died last week at the age of 113.

Here at CBS we were hoping he'd last at least through sweeps.

Out in Hollywood they're planning to make a sequel to Mrs. Doubtfire.

In the sequel Mrs. Doubtfire is no longer a nanny; she's becomes governor of New Jersey.

FRIDAY JOKES

President Bush carved the turkey himself yesterday down at his ranch in Texas yesterday.

I believe this was the first turkey he carved up since – John Kerry.

Well, I spent today doing what I do every year on the day after Thanksgiving.

I called all the relatives and apologized for mom.

We had mom over for Thanksgiving and, God bless her, she's getting a little old.

She spent twenty minutes on the Butterball Hotline before she realized she'd accidentally dialed a phone sex line.

At my house we have a special family tradition we do every Thanksgiving.

What happens is, everybody gathers at my house, all the cousins and aunts and uncles, and then mom arrives and we have an intervention.

We had mom over to my house for Thanksgiving yesterday.

By about noon she finished off all our Nyquil.

Mom made her famous turkey gravy.

Here's what she puts in it: turkey drippings, a little bit of flour – and a fifth of Jack Daniels.

Yesterday was Martha Stewart's first Thanksgiving in prison.

If you think about it, it wasn't much different than most Thanksgivings for Martha. She had a visit from her family, she had a turkey dinner – and she pumped some iron.

Don't kid yourself, the prison Martha's in is pretty tough.

During Thanksgiving dinner all the inmates had to share one sommelier.

Today is the first day of the Christmas shopping season.

I've done most of my shopping. For example, I renewed mom's subscription to Guns & Ammo months ago.

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Earlier today down in Arkansas they had the official opening of the Bill Clinton Presidential Library.

There was an awkward moment at the beginning when Bill and Hillary both showed up wearing the same pants suit.

The opening of the Clinton Library was a big success.

Bill had sex three times.

At the Clinton Library they've got a full-scale replica of the Oval Office.

It's amazing. They've re-created every detail, right down to the mirror above his desk.

The new Clinton Library includes a luxury apartment for the Clintons.

Tonight Bill spent his first night in the apartment on the couch.

They invited all the living elected presidents to the library opening.

So you had President Bush there, his father, Jimmy Carter – and Al Gore.

Yesterday at the White House President Bush officially pardoned two turkeys for Thanksgiving.

I believe former President Clinton was a big fan of gobblers – and he liked turkeys too.

New York City officially submitted its bid to host the 2012 Summer Olympics.

The plan is to have venues in Manhattan, Brooklyn, the Bronx, Staten Island – and that's just for the hookers.

The week NASA successfully tested a new aircraft that reached a speed of 6,600 miles per hour.

Here's how fast that is: at that speed it would only take you about four hours to go once around the Earth – or Michael Moore.

Starbucks has announced that they're going to start using recycled paper in their coffee cups.

This recycling thing is really catching on. Earlier today McDonald's announced they're going to start using recycled paper in their McNuggets.

Scientists said this week that they have evidence that humans settled in North America almost 50,000 years ago, much earlier than previously thought.

What they did was, they carbon dated pieces of Cher.

Two middle school girls in Georgia were arrested this week for serving a cake made of bleach, clay and tabasco sauce to their classmates in the school cafeteria.

What happened was, several students in the cafeteria started getting sick and vomiting after lunch – and then some of the other kids ate the cake.

People magazine has named Jude Law the Sexiest Man Alive for 2004.

This is exciting – I was named the Sexiest Man Who Shouldn't Be Alive for 2004.

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The Bill Clinton Presidential Library opens tomorrow.

Bill says he's really excited about it – which is exactly what Hillary is concerned about.

The Clinton Presidential Library is the 12th presidential library – and the first one on wheels.

There's an interesting story behind the Clinton Library.

Back when they first acquired the land, out of habit, Hillary turned a huge profit on it.

The Clinton Library has a huge archive of material that President Clinton collected over the years.

It's got 80 million documents, 21 million e-mails – and 2 million phone numbers.

The Clinton Library has a recreation of the Lincoln Bedroom.

They really went all out to recreate the room as it looked during the Clinton years. It even has the nightly rates posted in the wall.

Bill Clinton has invited Al Gore to the opening of his presidential library.

He gave him his choice of working the valet parking or the coat check.

A lot of former coworkers are going to the opening of the Clinton Library.

There's going to people there that Bill hasn't had sex with in years.

Big business news: Kmart and Sears are merging.

Officials say the new combined stores will be a lot like Wal-Mart, but less high-end.

This is the merger of two giants. To put it in perspective, it'd be like Star Jones marrying Michael Moore.

Yesterday was John Kerry's first day back in the Senate since the election.

He said he was really glad to be back in his old seat on both sides of the aisle.

He said he was glad to be back and was looking forward to flip-flopping on the issues that matter most to the American people.

The Hardee's fast food chain is now offering a hamburger with 1,400 calories and 107 grams of fat.

If you want to get one, what you do is order a hamburger and ask them to Michael Moore-size it.

If you watch the sky at night this week you can see the annual Leonid meteor shower.

The Leonid meteor shower is a bunch of tiny meteors that burn brightly for a short time before they flame out – kind of like watching a whole bunch of Ben Afflecks.

Michael Jackson has a new box set of his greatest hits out this week called “The Ultimate Collection.”

They say this set covers the many faces of Michael's career – and it includes music too.

The set includes several never before released versions of Michael's nose.

Playboy has come out with a “Women of McDonald's” issue.

The issue features naked, hot McDonald's employees doing some of their usual tasks – like not washing their hands after using the bathroom.

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President Bush has tapped Condoleezza Rice to be the next Secretary of State.

He gave her the good news in the Oval Office. I believe she's the first woman to be tapped in the Oval Office since – Monica.

There were more cabinet resignations today over at the White House.

James Brown announced he's stepping down as the Secretary of Soul and Foreign Minister of Funk.

Four more cabinet members resigned yesterday.

Here's how crazy it's getting at the White House: earlier today President Bush tried to resign.

Down in Arkansas this week they're going to open the Bill Clinton Presidential Library.

If you're going to the opening you can meet President Clinton, but they're being strict about how much time you get with him – no more than two minutes under his desk.

President Clinton is still recovering from his recent heart bypass surgery.

He'll be under strict doctor's orders during the opening of his library on Thursday – absolutely nothing more strenuous than oral sex.

The opening of the Clinton Presidential Library on Thursday is going to be a black tie affair.

Hillary has already been fitted for a tuxedo.

Last night in Santa Monica they held the Vibe awards and a big fight broke out. It was pretty ugly: punches were thrown, chairs were flying, one person was stabbed.

Organizers say this is the last time they ever invite Liza Minelli.

Congratulations to Barry Bonds who won a record seventh MVP award yesterday.

Gee, I hope this doesn't give him a big head.

Out there in California last week Scott Peterson was convicted of first degree murder and is waiting to be sentenced.

He's looking at some serious punishment: the death penalty, life in prison – or two years as Liza Minelli's limo driver.

NASA is testing an experimental jet this week that can reach a speed of 7,000 mph.

Engineers say that this technology could be applied to commercial travel – just as soon as they can figure out how to eliminate the speed and efficiency.

The jet uses a new type of engine that combines hot air flowing through the engine with fuel to provide propulsion.

That's right; a new type of engine that runs on hot air and chemicals – just like Rush Limbaugh.

The government reported this week that the number of people sentenced to death reached a 30-year low in 2003.

Today President Bush announced a blue ribbon commission to investigate why.

President Bush already has a plan to deal with this – he's calling it the “No Murderer Left Alive” program.

The UK has banned junk food advertisements during children's TV programs.

Apparently the ban covers ads for products high in fat, sugar, salt – or fluoride.

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Boy I had a rough weekend.

First I almost got trampled to death at Yasser Arafat's funeral and then I was almost killed at Star Jones' wedding when her new husband threw her garter belt into the crowd.

Star Jones got married over the weekend.

Friends say it was a beautiful wedding with white lace as far as the eye could see – and that was just her wedding dress.

Guests had their choice of the following entrees: chicken, fish or a Double Whopper with cheese.

How about that Yasser Arafat funeral over the weekend?

Experts say they haven't seen that kind of out of control crowd at a political leader's compound since Ted Kennedy's last cocktail party.

Vice President Dick Cheney was hospitalized briefly this weekend for shortness of breath.

I believe that with this hospitalization his next one is free.

The good news is Dick Cheney didn't have a heart attack and that he's fine.

His doctors say his heart is fine – it's as small and mean as ever.

Things were pretty tense at the White House while Dick Cheney was in the hospital.

Here's how crazy it was: for a few minutes, President Bush was actually in charge.

Jim McGreevey officially stepped down as governor of New Jersey yesterday.

That means that today was the first day in a couple of years that he didn't have to wear nylons.

A scientist in Cyprus claims to have found the long lost city of Atlantis at the bottom of the Mediterranean Sea.

He said he's now ready to move on to his next project – finding the Jets' offense.

Celebrity birthdays: National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice turned 50 over the weekend.

President Bush didn't realize it was her birthday because, out of habit, he ignored that memo.

President Bush got her one of those big cakes and had Saddam Hussein jump out of it.

Michael Moore says he's planning to make a sequel to “Fahrenheit 9/11.”

He said it's going to be even bigger and better than the first one – and that's just the post shoot buffet.

FRIDAY JOKES

Down in Arkansas they had the big opening of the Bill Clinton Presidential Library yesterday.

This was the first event since Bill Clinton's heart bypass surgery that he could bring a date to.

The Clinton Library has lots of interactive exhibits.

For example it's got a replica of the Oval Office where you crawl under the desk and see what it was like to be an intern.

The Clinton Library has a large collection of Clinton's papers and documents.

It's even got a whole wing devoted to his little black books.

The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie opened today.

This movie's getting pretty good reviews. Today President Bush called it the best cartoon movie he's seen all year.

It's been a big week for SpongeBob. Earlier today President Bush nominated him to be our next Secretary of Commerce.

Celebrity birthdays: Larry King turns 71 today.

His wife was hoping to really surprise him with a birthday party, but it didn't work out – his heart was able to stand the shock.

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Things are looking pretty grim for Yasser Arafat.

Today his condition was downgraded from “critical” to “subterranean.”

Yasser Arafat died last night at the age of 75. The plans are to take his body from Paris to Egypt for the funeral, then to take him back to Ramallah for burial.

Next week they'll announce the dates for the Australian leg of his tour.

Yasser Arafat's family made plans for his funeral and burial even before he was dead.

They're just like my family.

Happy Veterans Day

The Bush administration said President Bush attended several Veterans Day events – but there aren't records to prove he actually attended.

There have been more resignations over at the White House.

Earlier today, President Bush's Director of Phony Intelligence resigned.

Yesterday President Bush appointed Alberto Gonzales to succeed John Ashcroft as attorney general.

Gonzales has already vowed to enforce all the laws fairly – even the ones President Bush makes up.

Gonzales has already vowed to enforce the law fairly for people, regardless of their race, income, or fundamentalist Christian affiliation.

Celebrity Birthdays: Calista Flockhart turns 40 today.

Harrison Ford celebrated by making her favorite dessert: a chocolate triple layer crumb.

Liza Minelli is being sued by her former bodyguard for assault and battery.

Apparently she's moved up in weight class.

There are more rumors now that Britney Spears is pregnant.

The rumors could be true this time. Friends say she's cut out caffeine, smoking – and drunken marriages.

Good news: the federal government has lowered the terror threat level for financial institutions here in New York from orange to yellow.

I can tell the threat level has been reduced. Today was the first time in months I was able to make a withdrawal from my savings account without having a body cavity search.

Martha Stewart has asked her company to pay her legal bills.

She said if they're not willing to pay cash, she'll just take some insider information.

A group of computer scientists has named IBM's Blue Gene supercomputer the fastest computer in the world.

Here's how powerful this computer is: it can actually calculate the exact odds of any of those computer scientists ever getting a date.

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This is Jim McGreevey's last week as governor of New Jersey.

On Monday he made his last speech as governor and earlier today he gave his last queer makeover.

The Air Force is developing a new 30,000-pound bomb called the Massive Ordnance Penetrator.

Massive Ordnance Penetrator – I believe that was also Bill Clinton's Secret Service handle.

Here's how big this bomb is: they say it's the equivalent of all the movies ever made by Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez.

Attorney General John Ashcroft resigned yesterday.

Apparently he wants to spend more time restricting the civil rights of his own family.

He said he's ready to move on and cover some naked statues in the private sector.

Commerce Secretary Don Evans resigned yesterday.

President Bush was pretty surprised by this – he had no idea who the Commerce Secretary was.

President Bush has a new puppy, named Miss Beazley.

He's almost got her housebroken – she's started going on his daily intelligence memos.

Yassir Arafat is reportedly close to death.

It's looking pretty serious. Earlier today he had to cancel the South American leg of his tour.

I thought this was nice: the Israeli government sent him a “Get Dead Soon” card.

Britney Spears has a put out an album of her greatest hits.

It's got 14 of her greatest hits, and features two never before been lip synched to bonus tracks.

Howard Dean is considering becoming the chairman of the Democratic National Committee.

He's waiting to make a decision until he's had time to scream it over with his wife.

Up in Boston they're saying now that the new $14 billion Big Dig tunnel system is full of leaks.

Here's how bad it is: they say it's got more holes in it than President Bush's plan for Iraq.

Congratulations to Roger Clemens of the Houston Astros who won his seventh Cy Young Award yesterday.

He said he's waiting to officially claim victory so he could give Randy Johnson a chance to concede.

He was actually campaigning pretty hard for the award. Earlier this week he went duck hunting in Ohio.

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John Kerry's brother says that he may run again for president in 2008.

Just to keep his options open, he's going to stay married to Teresa.

Now that he's lost the election, John Kerry says he's going to return to the Senate to complete his term.

He's vowed to continue to flip-flop over the issues that concern Massachusetts voters.

President Bush is thinking about replacing the income tax with a national sales tax.

Here's how it would work: there'd be a sales tax on everything except guns and alcohol.

There's a new study out that finds that global warming is causing the Arctic to melt faster than ever.

Here's how bad global warming has gotten: scientists say at this rate it may even thaw the chill between Bill and Hillary.

Congratulations to Ken Jennings who has now won on 70 straight episodes of “Jeopardy!”

Here's how long it's been since he began his streak: back when he first appeared on “Jeopardy!” George Bush hadn't been elected president.

Al Gore announced this week that he's forming his own investment management firm.

He doesn't actually know anything about investment management; he's just there to provide the sex appeal.

New Jersey Gov. Jim McGreevey and his wife are going to be moving into separate homes.

Friends say they will remain close; he'll still give her queer makeovers.

CBS announced this week that they've made a deal keep the NFL through 2011.

The NFL made the deal under one condition: CBS will keep broadcasting the NFL through 2011 – and then Conan O'Brien will take over.

So the meanest, craziest bastards on CBS will still be on Sundays – the “60 Minutes” cast.

A beverage company in Seattle is selling special flavored sodas for the holidays, like Turkey & Gravy Soda and Mashed Potato & Butter Soda.

They also have a Fruitcake Soda which they claim tastes like real fruitcake – or at least what they guess fruitcake would actually taste like.

Jim Belushi is suing his neighbor Julie Newmar, who used to play “Catwoman” on the old “Batman” TV series.

Apparently, he's just always been more of a dogwoman person.

Gold medal winning swimmer Michael Phelps was arrest for driving under the influence this week.

Apparently he failed the field sobriety test – he couldn't complete a clean butterfly turn.

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MONDAY: New Jersey Gov. Jim McGreevey gave his farewell speech earlier today.

It was an emotional speech. He had to reapply his eyeliner three times.

You can tell President Bush is feeling a little cocky now that he's been reelected.

Earlier today he spent all his political capital on guns and chewing tobacco.

Organizers of President Bush's inauguration say they're planning to use thousands of extra police from across the country.

And that's just to keep an eye on the Bush twins.

Details of President Bush's inauguration are already beginning to leak out.

Donald Rumsfeld will be leading a precision drill team of naked prisoners.

Now that John Kerry lost the election, Michael Moore is already working on his next crusade – getting McDonald's to bring back Super Sizes.

Here's what John Kerry's been doing since he lost the election: he's relaxing, he's not thinking about anything, and he's not doing any work.

It's the same thing George Bush has been doing.

Teresa Heinz Kerry is still pretty mad that she's not going to be the First Lady.

Here's how mad she is: earlier today she reduced John Kerry 's allowance.

It looks like most of President Bush's cabinet will be staying on for his second term.

Earlier today Halliburton announced that they'll be staying on as President Bush's favorite crooked company.

President Bush bought a puppy for his wife Laura's birthday last week. The Bush's already have one dog, Barney, and another dog, Spot, died earlier this year.

I believe the only president who's had more dogs in the White House is – Bill Clinton

The New York Mets hired former New York Yankees player and coach Willie Randolph as their new manager last week.

He said he's used to being on a winner and he knows how to win – but the Mets hired him anyway.

He'll officially be the 18th manager the Mets have ever fired.

Scientists are now saying that by the year 2300 the world population will be 9 billion.

However, they say it won't affect the U.S. much; most of the population growth will be in the cab driver producing countries.

FRIDAY: I've got a big weekend planned. Tonight I'm taking mom to see “Seed of Chucky.”

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Tonya Harding turns 34 today.

She says she may have lost a little speed, but she still has her punching power.

FRIDAY: Jim McGreevey will officially step down as governor of New Jersey on Monday.

He's pretty much all packed and ready to go – except for his makeup kit.

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President Bush has been getting lots of congratulatory phone calls since being reelected.

Last night Laura Bush even got one from Bill O'Reilly.

I though John Kerry looked pretty upbeat during his concession speech yesterday the way he kept smiling.

Turns out it was just too much Botox.

Everybody's still kind of in shock that the election went so smoothly.

In fact, earlier today, out of habit, the Supreme Court awarded the election to George Bush.

The big winners in this election were fast food chains.

You know, now that Michael Moore has to drown his sorrows.

Well it's two days since the election and people are still pretty hung over – but enough about the Bush twins.

President Bush was officially declared the winner of the election yesterday.

Four more years of George W. Bush as president – it's like Christmas has come early this year.

President Bush is already hard at work preparing for his second term.

Today he awarded the contracts for his inauguration to Halliburton.

Now that President Bush has been reelected, that means for the next four years Vice President Dick Cheney will still just be a heart beat away from a massive coronary.

Thursday: Celebrity birthdays: P Diddy turns 35 today.

I thought this was nice. Jennifer Lopez got him a box of monogrammed ammunition.

Over in Great Britain this week they officially voted to keep spanking legal. It's still legal in Great Britain to spank your children.

How about making it legal in Great Britain to brush your teeth?

New York City may soon be getting an official credit card.

Here's how it will work: for each dollar you spend with the card you'll earn 50 cents towards your next hooker.

Scientists in London have discovered a 2,000-year-old tin of face cream. They've analyzed the cream and found that it's made of animal fat, starch and tin oxide.

It's the same formula they use on Cher.

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After a long night and long day of waiting it's official: Ralph Nader has finally conceded.

Well, the election is finally over.

Down in Florida today they're just starting to let people go back to their homes.

This was an historic election for President Bush.

This marks the first time a president has been reelected after not being elected the first time.

President Bush has begun making preparations for his second term.

He's already started mapping out his vacation plans for the next four years.

The vote in Ohio was split.

John Kerry did well in Cuyahoga and Erie counties – and President Bush did well in all the crooked counties.

It was a long night for the Bush family last night.

Here's how long it was: by 2:00am the Bush twins had already gone through all of the White House alcohol.

Election officials around the country reported long lines at polling places yesterday.

The lines were so long in Florida that they limited people to a maximum of two votes each.

When I went to vote yesterday, I first had to wait in a long line and then when it was my turn I was in and out in a few seconds.

It was just like the last time I had sex.

I took Mom to vote yesterday and we stood in line for hours and when we finally got to the front of the line she said, “David, I thought this was the line to get a flu shot.”

Now that the election is over comes the hard part for John Kerry – giving the bill to Teresa.

President Bush was busy on Election Day.

He visited six states in nineteen hours – and that was just to vote.

This was a hard election to call early on. Voter turnout was high, which usually favors the challenger.

However, voting irregularities were high, which usually favors George Bush.

Experts say this was biggest turnout ever for an election that didn't involve choosing a new M&M color.

Election officials say this was the heaviest voter turnout they've ever seen – and that was just Michael Moore.

Members of the Boston Red Sox say they drank a shot of Jack Daniels before each game of the World Series.

It's the same strategy George Bush used before the election.

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It's Monday, November 1, 2004 – only one more day until Recount 2004!

George Bush and John Kerry were busy today with their last minute preparations.

Today President Bush called his brother Jeb to place his official vote order.

John Kerry spent today getting in some last minute flip-flopping.

Tomorrow night is election night, so this show won't be on.

We're being preempted for live recount coverage.

Be sure to tune into CBS News for complete election coverage, including live post-election fake memo analysis.

Last week the Boston Red Sox won their first World Series in 86 years.

Today Red Sox management is already hard at work on another 86 year streak.

People in Boston still can't believe the Red Sox won the World Series.

Out of habit, earlier today the fans ran the manager out of town.

Up in Boston they had a big celebration for the Red Sox this weekend.

Here's how crazy the celebration was: Ted Kennedy's still looking for his pants.

Now that the Red Sox have won, that means the longest streak for futility now belongs to me.

There was a new video from Osama bin Laden this weekend.

Experts say they know it's recent because he says he still can't believe the Red Sox won the World Series.

Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat is in Paris this week being treated for an undisclosed illness.

Experts say if he doesn't survive, this is the kind of thing that could make the Middle East unstable.

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