From July 2003 until October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN. I wrote and submitted about 10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used. But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get paid for it!

Dave is one of my top two all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It never, ever got old.

This section displays all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is). Use the archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.

Jokes highlighted in bold were used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention. You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by Jay and Carson and Jimmy) on my Late Night Jokes page.

Enjoy!

How about those Red Sox? They came back from being down 3-0 in the series to beat the Yankees in Game 7 last night.

George Steinbrenner was so mad, he stripped the whole team naked and walked them around on leashes.

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It was incredible. First it looked like the Red Sox had lost, then at the last minute they stole it.

It's a lot like how George Bush got elected.

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With the Red Sox winning last night this means that for the first time since 1986 they'll have a chance to blow the World Series.

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The election is less than two weeks away and you can tell that President Bush is starting to feel pretty confident.

Earlier today he named his designated driver for the victory party.

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The election is less than two weeks away and you can tell that the Kerry campaign is getting a little desperate.

Even Teresa's on her best behavior. Earlier today she told a reporter to “Please shove it.”

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John Kerry's aides say that if the vote is close he won't hesitate to declare victory on election night.

Not to be outdone, today President Bush said if the vote is close. he won't hesitate to rig the election.

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True story: inmates at Martha Stewart's prison say that she's been making jellies and preserves with crab apples from the prison grounds.

And here I didn't think she'd be doing any hard time.

That's amazing. Two weeks into her prison sentence and she's already turning a profit.

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Martha Stewart's been in prison now for almost two weeks and I think she's starting to get loopy from the confinement.

Tonight at dinner she ordered red wine with fish.

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Officials in Pakistan are saying that Osama bin Laden is no longer hiding in the mountains near the Afghanistan border.

They know he's not there because this is normally the time of year when he heads to Miami for the winter.

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ABC announced this week that they're not going to carry the Miss America pageant anymore.

This could turn out to be the worst decision ABC has made since they tried to hire me.

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Earlier tonight theYankees and Red Sox played game seven of their playoff series.

The weather forecast certainly favored the Red Sox. It was cold and breezy with a 75% chance of hell freezing over.

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Rumor has it that Martha Stewart is going to try to escape from prison tonight.

The plan is to make a break for it tonight right after cocktails.

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Former President Bill Clinton is going to make a campaign appearance for John Kerry next week.

I believe this will be Bill Clinton's first public appearance since his heart bypass surgery – not counting dates.

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People in New York are really getting desperate for flu shots.

Here's how crazy it's getting: The only person Bill O'Reilly has harassed this week is his doctor.

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The Bush administration announced yesterday that they've found 2.6 million more doses of flu vaccine.

Apparently, that was the bulge in Bush's jacket.

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Arnold Schwarzenegger says that after he gave a speech supporting President Bush at the Republican National Convention, his wife was so mad she told him no sex for two weeks.

Not only that, but she said she wouldn't sleep with him, either.

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Celebrity birthdays: Happy birthday to Snoop Dogg, who turns 32 today.

He celebrated quietly with a few of his peeps and homies.

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The government announced this week that Social Security payments will increase by 2.7 percent next year.

Now I can finally raise mom's rent.

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Alain Robert, a Frenchman dressed as Spider-Man, climbed a 47-story building in Paris yesterday.

In the past he's also climbed the Eiffel Tower and the Empire State Building. This guy has mounted more large objects than Bill Clinton.

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Earlier this week in Pennsylvania, a firefighter saved the life of a dog by giving him mouth-to-snout resuscitation.

They say the dog is doing fine, but now the firefighter can't stop licking himself.

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This week a search and rescue crew in Oregon tracked an international distress signal to a flat-screen TV owned by a local college student.

Officials said it appears that the TV started emitting the signal after being tuned to an “I Love the 80s” marathon on VH1.

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Two weeks from today is Election Day.

That means two weeks from right now, we'll know who demanded a recount.

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Everybody's busy getting ready for the election.

Today the Supreme Court began clearing their schedule.

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Down in Florida people have begun voting and they're already reporting voting irregularities with the new touch-screen voting machines.

Here's the problem: Apparently, the new machines are accurately counting the votes.

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Florida is using new touch-screen voting machines for the election this year.

Florida officials say the new computerized voting machines will really streamline the vote rigging process.

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Leroy Chiao, an astronaut on the International Space Station, will be voting in the upcoming election from space.

I believe that's highest point from which somebody has ever voted – aside from Whitney Houston.

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It's been really cold and raw here in New York.

Here's how cold it's been. Today Bill O'Reilly had phone sex just for warmth.

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Today I entered a lottery for a flu shot.

I didn't get a flue shot, but I did win the second prize – a kiss from Courtney Love.

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How about that Yankees-Red Sox series? First the Yankees were up three games to none, now the Red Sox have won the last two and look like they may win the series.

If they blow this lead, it'll be the biggest thing anybody has blown since – Monica Lewinsky.

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Things aren't going too well for Martha Stewart in prison.

Earlier today she got into a fight in the shower over a loofah.

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There's a new study out that finds that New York City is one of the hardest cities to sleep in.

The study doesn't count getting knocked unconscious.

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Britney Spears says that she's going to take some time off from her career to chill out.

She says for the next few months the only lip-synching she'll be doing will be in the bedroom.

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New York City has banned the sale of cooked guinea pigs.

The good news is they've grandfathered in the hot dog vendors.

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MONDAY: Former President Jimmy Carter is a guest on the show tonight.

This is the first time in a while that we've had a former president on the show where we didn't have to hide the interns.

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FRIDAY: The new Ben Affleck movie “Surviving Christmas” opened today.

This movie should answer the big question: can Ben carry a big bomb without J. Lo?

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It's just about two weeks until the elections and the candidates are busy with last minute preparations.

Today John Kerry got his final pre-election Botox injections.

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Down in Florida this week people are already being allowed to vote.

Officials say they wanted to get a jump-start on rigging the election.

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Sources say Martha Stewart is planning to write a book about her prison experience.

It's going to be called “Escape from Camp Cupcake.”

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Here in New York City this weekend there was a huge flea market in Central Park.

There was lots of great stuff. For $1 I picked up a whole box of old fake memos from CBS.

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Paris Hilton is going to open her own nightclub, Club Paris.

It's expected to be very crowded, with a long wait to get in – just like her sex videos.

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President Bush said this week that the best way to avoid a military draft is to vote for him.

If there's anybody who knows how to avoid military service, it's George Bush.

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President Bush said this week that he's opposed to mandatory military service.

Not only does he oppose it, but he's got the track record to prove it.

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Congratulations to John Kerry for being nominated for the International Best-Dressed list by Vanity Fair magazine.

He's in a pretty tough category; he's up against Funny Cide.

Today President Bush accused him of once again pandering to the international community.

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Martha Stewart has asked people to stop sending her money in prison.

She asked that in lieu of sending her money, you can just send her some insider information.

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A new study has found that one percent of all adults have absolutely no interest in having sex.

I think I've dated every one of them.

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The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has announced that Chris Rock will host the Academy Awards next year.

He gets the job next year – but then he has to give it up to Conan O'Brien in 2009.

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This past weekend was the 30th anniversary of the fantasy role-playing game Dungeons & Dragons.

That means that a whole generation of people have now grown up without ever having had sex.

An estimated 25,000 fans around the country celebrated the anniversary on Saturday night.

Then they all went back to their parents' basements.

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Last night President Bush and John Kerry had their final debate.

You could tell President Bush was feeling pretty confident when he tried to pronounce “Massachusetts.”

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John Kerry looked pretty good at last night's debate. He looked young, he looked healthy, he looked strong.

That's right – he's getting Botox again.

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The Bush twins were at the debate last night.

They stuck around until they stopped selling beer.

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President Bush did well at last night's debate.

He only had to have an answer repeated in his ear a couple of times.

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There was one awkward moment in last night's debate when the illegal receiver in President Bush's ear started picking up the Yankee game.

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Sources say Martha Stewart is planning to write a book about her prison experience.

In the book she'll discuss the proper etiquette during a prison riot.

One chapter will feature her recipe for a triple chocolate mousse cake with a hacksaw inside.

One chapter will cover how to make a shiv from common cell items.

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A man in Georgia went into a restaurant and ate some rat parts that were in his salad.

Luckily the man's all right – although he now has a strong desire to move to New York City.

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Michael Jackson says he's mad at Eminem for depicting him in a negative manner in a recent video.

Is there any other way to portray Michael Jackson?

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Good news here at CBS: we've been the highest rated network over the first few weeks of the new television season.

They say the high ratings are due to the scripted dramas – like “60 Minutes.”

CBS officials said if they had known this was going to happen, they would've started using fake memos years ago.

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Bill O'Reilly from Fox News is being sued by a former employee for sexual harassment.

Apparently, what happened was, he tried to enter her “no spin zone.”

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A new study in England has found that genetics play a role in male homosexuality.

Scientists say this could have important implications. For instance, someday we may be able to predict with great accuracy Liza Minelli's next husband.

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Earlier tonight President Bush and John Kerry held their final debate.

This will be the last time they go at it face-to-face – until the recount battle.

Now we move into the phase of the campaign where George Bush is at his best: the vote rigging.

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Here were the rules for tonight's debate: Each candidate got 90 seconds to answer a question, 60 second for a rebuttal – and President Bush got 30 seconds to have his answer fed to him.

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The topic of tonight's presidential debate was domestic policy.

President Bush did pretty well – the hardest name he had to pronounce was Greenspan.

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All the big stars were out at Yankee Stadium earlier tonight for the big playoff game between the Yankees and Red Sox.

Donald Trump was there and even caught a foul ball in his hair.

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Britney Spears says that she's changing her name to Britney Federline.

It's official – she's already signing her divorce papers with it.

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Prison officials in West Virginia where Martha Stewart is serving her time say that she'll be eligible for jobs in the prison that pay 12 to 40 cents an hour.

If you think about it that's pretty ironic since that's what she used to pay her employees.

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Good news: Mayor Bloomberg says here in New York City we're on track this year to have the fewest murders in forty years, only 550.

He says that while the quantity of the murders may be down, the quality is as high as ever.

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Officials in Iraq say Saddam Hussein has had surgery to repair a hernia.

They say the surgery went really well – we finally found some weapons of mass destruction.

They say he's doing fine – but he may have to skip his next few Tae-Bo classes.

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Over in Queens this week the FBI has discovered human remains in a vacant lot, believed to be a Mafia graveyard.

Not only that but earlier today they also found the remains of Jennifer Lopez's career.

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A man in Georgia went into a restaurant and found rat parts in his turnip greens.

The restaurant was pretty nice about it. They didn't charge him extra for the meat.

It was a simple misunderstanding. He didn't realize he'd ordered the Never-Ending Vermin Platter.

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A 23-carat ruby, one of the largest rubies in the world, is now on display at the Smithsonian's National Museum of Natural History in Washington, D.C.

It'll be on display through the rest of the year, and then it's going back to Kobe Bryant's wife.

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Britney Spears made her marriage to Kevin Federline legal this week by filing the marriage documents.

In legal terms this means her marriage is no longer a fraud – it's officially a sham.

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Tonight at Yankee Stadium they had Game 1 of the American League Championship Series between the Yankees and Red Sox.

Things always get a little heated when the Red Sox are in town. Earlier today I saw a guy in a Red Sox jersey get into a fight with a couple of rats.

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In Afghanistan they say that the results of the recent presidential election will stand despite some irregularities in the voting process, which means President Hamid Karzai will stay in power.

Today President Bush called President Karzai to congratulate him on his crooked victory.

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Polls show that John Kerry has slight edge over President Bush going into their third debate.

President Bush isn't worried. His aides say he just needs to stay within cheating distance.

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There's a rumor that President Bush was wearing a listening device so he could secretly be fed answers during the first two debates.

However, it turns out that bulge in his pocket wasn't a listening device – just a bunch of crooked votes.

That's interesting because President Clinton used to wear a device during his debates so that he could secretly be fed milkshakes.

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The topic of tomorrow night's presidential debate will be domestic policy.

President Bush is really looking forward to this debate; he's always preferred domestic to imports.

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Sources say Martha Stewart spent her first weekend in prison playing Scrabble and eating lunch from vending machines.

No wait, I'm sorry, that was how I spent my weekend.

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Prison officials say that Martha Stewart is fitting in well with the other inmates.

I thought this was smart: the first thing she did when she got to prison was to give all the other inmates a homemade tattoo.

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Martha Stewart says she doesn't actually mind prison all that much because it gives her more time to do some of her favorite things like reading, writing – and pumping iron.

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Martha Stewart had to miss her 45th high school reunion this past weekend.

In her place, she made sure to send along her bank statements.

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Good news here in New York City: economists say we've added 50,000 jobs this year.

You can tell people are hiring here in New York again. Today down in Times Square, the pimps held a career fair.

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New Jersey Gov. Jim McGreevey has announced that he's joining a law firm after he leaves office next month.

Apparently he'll be in charge of business development, client recruitment – and queer makeovers.

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I may have to leave the show early tonight – I'm supposed to go clubbing with Martha Stewart on her last night of freedom.

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Today was Martha Stewart's last day before reporting to prison. She spent the day doing all the things she loves but won't be able to do for the next five months.

Like this morning she went over to her office and fired somebody.

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Martha spent the day getting all of her affairs in order.

She's all set: she's got somebody to pick up her mail, somebody to water her plants – and somebody to manage her illegal finances.

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Tomorrow is the day Martha Stewart reports to prison.

She's pretty busy with last minute preparations. She still hasn't booked a caterer for her body cavity search.

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Tomorrow night is the second presidential debate between President Bush and John Kerry.

I think the rules for this debate really favor John Kerry: it'll be a town hall style format, there will be one moderator – and no NASCAR questions.

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John Kerry's aides say he's ready for tomorrow night's debate.

Today they applied the final coat of his spray-on tan.

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The Republicans say that President Bush didn't do as well at the first debate because he was too tired.

So, just to be safe, today they didn't bother to wake him up during his daily security briefing.

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The CIA released its final report on Iraq this week saying that Saddam Hussein didn't have any weapons of mass destruction.

It turns out the most dangerous material they found was in Saddam's hair.

I'm thinking this is the kind of thing that could hurt the Bush administration's credibility.

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Britney Spears has fired her manager.

Actually she didn't fire him; she just didn't renew his contract. It's the same thing she did with her first husband.

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Mark David Chapman, the man who killed John Lennon, was denied parole again this week.

Parole board members said that he should remain in prison until he shows the proper remorse for his actions – or until he develops an unhealthy obsession with Britney Spears.

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Six Flags amusement park in New Jersey is building the world's tallest and fastest roller coaster. It'll go from 0 to 128 mph in 3.5 seconds and rise 456 feet in the air.

The designers say this ride will be the closest thing there is to riding in a car driven by Billy Joel.

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Anheuser-Busch announced this week that they've developed a caffeinated beer.

Yeah, that's what beer needs – another highly addictive ingredient.

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Last night was the big vice presidential debate between Dick Cheney and John Edwards.

You have to say Dick Cheney did pretty well – after all, he's still alive.

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You could tell that Dick Cheney is a pretty good debater.

At one point he avoided answering a difficult question by pulling the old Fred Sanford fake heart attack bit.

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John Edwards did well in the debate last night.

Not only did he win the debate – but he was also awarded $10 million for pain and suffering.

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There were a few times during the debate when Dick Cheney looked like he was at a loss for words.

But it turns out those were just heart palpitations.

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Martha Stewart is getting ready to report to jail on Friday.

Today she got all of her illegal finances in order.

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Don't kid yourself, this prison Martha is going to is pretty rough.

She'll have to share a concierge.

She's only allowed to bring one teacup Chihuahua with her.

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Prison officials say that when Martha Stewart reports to prison she'll be stripped naked and searched by someone wearing a latex glove.

That's no big deal. Down in Times Square they charge you $50 for that.

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I thought this was nice: Martha Stewart's friends got together and baked her favorite cake as a going away present.

It's a triple chocolate mouse cake with a hacksaw inside.

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Over at Martha Stewart's company, they're busy getting ready for her going away party.

It'll be this Saturday night.

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Scientists in Washington say that Mount St. Helens has been belching gas all week.

They say they haven't seen something like this since the last time Michael Moore ate Mexican food.

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Experts say now that Mount St. Helens could erupt at any minute.

It's just like being married to Liza Minelli.

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Tiger Woods has got married yesterday and Oprah Winfrey was on the guest list.

I thought this was nice – as a wedding gift she gave them each a free car.

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Earlier tonight Dick Cheney and John Edwards had their vice presidential debate in Cleveland.

You could tell it was a tense debate. Dick Cheney went through three pacemakers.

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Just before the vice presidential debate started tonight, out of habit John Edwards tried to settle out of court.

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According to the rules of the debate nobody was allowed to see the questions beforehand – except for Dick Cheney's doctors.

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There was one emotional moment during last night's debate when Cheney told Edwards he was his father.

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Today was the first day of the major league baseball playoffs.

Earlier today over at Yankee Stadium the workers put fresh urinal cakes in all the sinks.

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Today over at Shea Stadium they packed everything up for the winter.

Per usual, the hot dogs were put in mothballs.

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Up in Boston they're gearing up for the Red Sox being in the playoffs.

The city has already hired hundreds of extra suicide prevention counselors.

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Officials at the prison where Martha Stewart is going say they don't have enough guards to guarantee her safety.

Martha says she'll get by on her wit, her street smarts – and her lemon-blueberry bread.

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Scientists in Washington say that Mount St. Helens is about to erupt again because it's been blowing off steam.

It's the same way they can tell when Dick Cheney is about to have a heart attack.

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A new poll by the New York Times shows President Bush and John Kerry in a statistical dead heat.

The poll has a margin of error of plus or minus the population of Florida.

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Yesterday SpaceShipOne won the $10 million X Prize by becoming the first private aircraft to go higher than an altitude of 62 miles.

This is the highest any private citizen has gone – aside from Courtney Love.

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Golfer Tiger Woods is reportedly getting married this week to his model girlfriend Elin Nordegren.

This will be the first divorce for both.

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Yesterday Elton John said that Madonna cheats her fans by lip-synching on stage.

Sounds like we got ourselves a good old-fashioned cat fight!

It's getting really ugly now. Today she accused him of padding his bra.

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Scientists in Washington say that Mount St. Helen's is about to erupt again.

Experts say this would be the biggest thing to blow since – Monica Lewinsky.

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Most Americans think John Kerry won the debate last week.

Out of habit, earlier today the Supreme Court awarded the debate to George Bush.

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At first President Bush was doing well in the debate – right up until he tried to pronounce “Allawi”.

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It's not just the voters who think Bush lost the debate.

Today Halliburton stock was down.

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The ratings for last week's debate were very high.

In fact the ratings were so high today NBC announced John Kerry will take over the Tonight Show when Conan retires.

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You can tell the Kerry campaign is feeling pretty confident.

They've started letting Teresa go out in public again.

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John Kerry said this weekend that he's officially cured of prostate cancer.

He says the only pain in his body these days is Teresa.

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Tomorrow night is the vice presidential debate between Dick Cheney and John Edwards.

Here are the rules for the vice presidential debate: it will last 90 minutes, questions can be on any topic – and each man gets a maximum of one defibrillator.

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Aides have been working with Vice President Dick Cheney for weeks to get him ready for the debate on Tuesday.

And that's just his cardiologists.

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Last week Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia said he thinks Americans should have more sex orgies.

I believe that was also one of Arnold Schwarzenegger 's campaign slogans.

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Congratulations to Billy Joel who got married again this weekend.

His friends did the thing where they tied old cans behind his car – not because he got married, but so everybody would know he's coming.

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There's a new video out from Osama bin Laden's top deputy Ayman al-Zawahri.

Experts say they know the tape is recent, because he mentions he thought John Kerry looked presidential at last week's debate.

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FRIDAY JOKES

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Earlier tonight President Bush and John Kerry had their second debate in St. Louis.

You could tell John Kerry was feeling pretty confident about this debate – he didn't even bother getting any Botox.

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Tonight's debate was a town hall style format.

That meant that average citizens got the chance to confuse President Bush.

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President Bush brought his whole family to St. Louis for support.

Earlier today the Bush twins were given a ceremonial key to the Anheuser-Busch brewery.

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You could tell President Bush was getting frustrated during the debate by the way he kept threatening to invade John Kerry's podium.

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President Bush's aides told him before the debate that he really had to go out and win over the undecided voters – the Supreme Court.

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Martha Stewart reported to prison earlier today.

When she reported to prison, she had to turn over her cash, her jewelry – and her secret for getting out tomato sauce stains.

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Martha Stewart finally arrived at prison today.

Per usual she brought a bottle of wine and flowers for her hosts,

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Make no mistake, the prison where Martha's staying is pretty tough.

There are no wake-up calls after 10:00.

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Prison officials say Martha won't receive any special treatment.

They say she'll have to same sleep on the same 300 thread count sheets as everybody else.

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