Chumworth on the News – 2004

Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show

From July 2003 until October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN. I wrote and submitted about 10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used. But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get paid for it!

Dave is one of my top two all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It never, ever got old.

This section displays all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is). Use the archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.

Jokes highlighted in bold were used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention. You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by Jay and Carson and Jimmy) on my Late Night Jokes page.

Enjoy!

President Bush and John Kerry held their first debate earlier tonight in Florida.

Which means, for one night, I'm not the most boring guy on television.

You could tell John Kerry was happy to be there by the way he kept smiling.

Either that or they overdid the Botox.

The debate was held at the University of Miami.

Afterwards President Bush unwound by hitting some frat parties.

Jim Lehrer was the moderator for tonight's debate.

He did such a good job, NBC has already promised him the Tonight Show in 2025.

Before they could have the debate, President Bush and John Kerry had to sign a 32-page “memorandum of understanding.”

A “memorandum of understanding” – I believe that's the same thing Bill and Hillary Clinton have.

An elementary school in Virginia accidentally served their students margaritas earlier this month.

School officials say it was a simple mistake – Wednesday is usually Martini Day.

Yesterday Martha Stewart was officially assigned to a prison in West Virgina that's known as Camp Cupcake.

She's pretty disappointed – her first choice was Camp Brioche.

Don't be fooled by the name – this is a pretty tough prison.

None of the sheets there had a thread count over 300.

The uniforms are all made of non-breathable fabric.

The prison cafeteria only got three stars from the New York Times.

Prisoners are only allowed out of their cells one hour a day for massages.

The inmates at the prison where Martha Stewart will be serving her time take donated yarn and knit sweaters, hats, scarves and mittens.

Or, as they're more commonly known – the Martha Stewart Collection.

The prison where Martha Stewart will be staying was the first all women's prison in the country and it opened in 1927.

Which, coincidentally, makes it as old as Martha.

SpaceShipOne, the first private spacecraft to reach outer space, almost went out of control during a flight yesterday when it did 40 barrel rolls.

SpaceShipOne's developers said that for the next flight, just to be safe, they're going to get somebody other than Billy Joel to fly it.

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John Kerry says he's ready for tomorrow night's debate with President Bush.

All that's left now is the Botox.

Before the presidential debates could happen, lawyers for both sides worked out a 32-page agreement laying out all the terms and conditions.

It's the same thing they had to do before Britney Spears' wedding.

President Bush said this week that he won't let Iran develop nuclear weapons while he's president.

However, he said can't speak for when John Kerry is president.

Yesterday here in New York we had a record amount of rain for one day.

It was so wet here yesterday that my cab driver reminded me that his turban doubles as a flotation device.

There was so much rain here yesterday that Billy Joel crashed his boat into a tree.

We haven't had that much moisture here since Michael Moore was sweating at the Republican National Convention.

Good news: Paris Hilton has a new sex video coming out.

People are already saying if you're only going to see one celebrity sex video this year – this is the one to see!

The quality isn't good, but you can tell it's Paris Hilton because she's holding a teacup Chihuahua.

Yesterday in California they had a big earthquake.

The earthquake was so scary Jay Leno moved up his timetable for retirement.

The earthquake was so scary I was actually glad I didn't get the Tonight Show job.

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger says he hasn't felt tremors that strong since the last time he had group sex.

Earlier today Martha Stewart was assigned to a prison in West Virginia.

Now she'll actually get to meet the people who buy her crap at Kmart.

In Congress they're considering a bill to make the oak our national tree.

Supporters say oak is a good choice because it's the same wood used to make the U.S.S. Constitution – and former Vic President Al Gore.

In California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger has banned smoking in state prisons.

The good news this won't apply to Martha Stewart.

Earlier today a 3 mile-long asteroid came within one million miles of colliding with the Earth.

Here's how close we were to being hit: President Bush had already awarded the reconstruction contracts to Halliburton.

Officials in Chihuahua, Mexico have imported hundreds of cats because they're overrun with rats.

And if it works there, they're going to try it here.

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NBC announced yesterday that Jay Leno will step down as host of “The Tonight Show” in 2009 and be replaced by Conan O'Brien.

Out of habit, when I heard the news I started negotiating with other networks.

Former President Jimmy Carter said this week that it's not possible for a fair election to be held in Florida this November.

In other words, all systems are go.

U.S. officials said this week that they believe that Osama bin Laden is still alive.

Apparently he was seen attending Britney's fake wedding.

U.S. officials said this week that they believe that Osama bin Laden is alive and hiding in Pakistan.

Today the government released an updated description of bin Laden: he's about 6' 4'', he has a beard – and he's carrying a teacup Chihuahua.

President Bush is busy this week preparing for his debate with John Kerry on Thursday.

Old habits die hard though – today he asked his father to get him out of it.

His aides have really gone all out to imitate John Kerry – they've even started getting Botox injections.

President Bush has really been cramming with his aides for his upcoming debate with John Kerry.

Today they're covering how a bill becomes a law.

John Kerry is busy this week preparing for his debate with President Bush on Thursday.

Aides say he hasn't had to face someone this mean and nasty in a debate since his last argument with Teresa.

Good news: Paris Hilton reportedly has a new sex video coming out.

I believe this will officially kick off the big holiday celebrity porn video season

The Pentagon has a new policy to forbid U.S. soldiers from hiring prostitutes.

This policy is already having a big effect. They've already started laying off hookers in Times Square.

Virgin Airways announced this week that in a few years they're going to offer suborbital space flights to the public for $208,000 per person.

$208,000 – and it still includes a layover in Pittsburgh.

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Down in Florida they're recovering today from Hurricane Jeanne.

The residents of Florida are really coming together. Earlier today Janet Reno picked up a tree that fell on a neighbor's car.

The Bush administration said last week that some parts of Iraq might be excluded from elections next January.

It's the same strategy they're going to use here in November.

Martha Stewart has been assigned inmate number 55170-054 by the Bureau of Prisons.

You can tell she's excited about it. She's already got it monogrammed on her luggage.

Actor Kevin Costner was married over the weekend to girlfriend Christine Baumgartner.

The wedding was attended by just a handful of family and friends – just like his last movie.

This will be her first marriage and his second divorce.

Forbes magazine says there are now 313 billionaires in the U.S., more than ever before.

Today President Bush said this proves his “No Billionaire Left Behind” program is working.

Astronomers announced last week that for the first time ever they've recorded the collision of two galaxy clusters.

They say these are the two biggest bodies to collide since – Clinton and Lewinsky.

Star Jones is selling sponsorship rights to her upcoming wedding.

She hasn't made any final decision yet, but sources say it's down to Burger King and Pizza Hut.

Donald Trump now has his own doll.

It comes with a detachable super model.

It requires two AA batteries – and that's just for his hair.

Apparently it's not for kids – his hair is a choking hazard.

The government now says that singer Cat Stevens was removed from a flight and deported last week because of a spelling error.

It's the same way George Bush became president.

Eighteen scholars from around the country met last week for a conference on Michael Jackson.

The results were pretty interesting. They were able to reconstruct what his face would look like today.

Mary Kay Letourneau, who just spent seven years in jail for sleeping with one of her 12-year-old students, now says she plans to marry him.

You can tell the marriage is already in trouble; she's talking about going back to teaching.

FRIDAY: Last night in Florida President Bush and John Kerry held their first debate.

Today Florida officials are still assessing the damage.

It was a really intense debate, all the arguing and back and forth over opposing positions – and that was just John Kerry.

FRIDAY: Oprah Winfrey spoke at the U.N. yesterday.

She was there to receive an award – and to give everyone a new car.

Next Friday at the U.N., I believe they've invited Dr. Phil.

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Former President Jimmy Carter turns 80 today.

President Bush marked the day by questioning his military record.

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This week Homeland Security deported singer Cat Stevens.

Today President Bush declared it a major victory in the war on easy listening music.

It's officially fall and everybody is doing their fall cleaning.

Earlier today CBS threw out all their old forged memos to make way for new ones.

The FCC has fined CBS $550,000 for the Janet Jackson incident at the Super Bowl earlier this year.

I was thinking that her breast is the only thing that's been on CBS lately that isn't fake.

Yesterday CBS named a special two-person panel to investigate how those forged memos made it onto the air.

And once they're done with that, they'll investigate how this show made it on the air.

There are reports now that Britney Spears isn't technically married yet because she hasn't completed all of the paperwork.

Spokespeople say this is just a technicality and it won't affect the divorce.

Friends say Britney Spears is thinking about changing her name to Britney Federline.

They say she's serious about changing her name; she's already practicing how to lip sync it.

Another hurricane, Hurricane Jeanne, could hit Florida again this weekend.

Forecasters say Florida can expect even more disasters later this year – like the election.

The city of San Francisco said this week that it's legal to perform yoga naked in public.

Finally, a city that understands me!

I'm thinking this is the kind of thing that could give San Francisco the reputation of being weird.

TV evangelist Jimmy Swaggart said recently that he would kill any gay man who looked at him romantically.

Today he was charged with threatening the Governor of New Jersey.

The company that makes Twinkies filed for bankruptcy this week.

Earlier today Dick Cheney vowed to provide any government assistance necessary to keep them afloat.

American cyclist Tyler Hamilton may be stripped of his gold medal after he was found to have someone else's blood in his system.

He says it's all a mistake and that on his Olympic registration form he clearly marked his race as “Vampire.”

Martha Stewart has signed a deal for a new TV show for when she gets out of prison.

It's going to be called “Inside Martha's Half-Way House.”

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President Bush gave a speech at the U.N. yesterday.

As usual the U.N. provided translators for most of the people in attendance – like the English speaking ones.

It was a successful speech – he got permission to invade three more countries.

The Secret Service says that they're looking for a mentally unstable New York man who has an obsession with guns, a history of violence and a hatred of President Bush.

Good luck finding a person like that in New York.

The Secret Service announced this week that they're looking for a mentally unstable New York man who has a hatred of President Bush.

They're asking, please, if you have any information as to where Dan Rather is, let them know.

Earlier this week Dan Rather admitted that he was misled about the authenticity of those memos about George Bush's National Guard service.

Which means I'm no longer the biggest embarrassment at CBS!

John Kerry said this week that President Bush has lost all his credibility since the invasion of Iraq.

That's ridiculous; he never had any credibility in the first place.

A new study out finds that, for people over 70, walking regularly can help keep the mind sharp and ward off Alzheimer's disease.

Are you listening, Dan Rather?

Yesterday the judge in the Martha Stewart case ordered her to report to prison by October 8.

Today Martha RSVP'd to the judge.

Legal experts say that if Martha fails to report on time, she could be found to be acting in really poor taste.

The Prime Minister of Iraq says that Saddam Hussein is “depressed and broken in spirit.”

Here's how depressed he is: they say he's canceled his subscription to “Martha Stewart Living.”

Britney Spears reportedly had her new husband sign a prenuptial agreement before they were married last weekend.

The good news for him is if they get divorced, he gets to keep her deposit.

You could tell it was a last minute thing – it was written on the back of a cocktail napkin.

A new report says that the ashes of Marlon Brando were recently spread in Tahiti.

In fact, his ashes weren't just spread, they were used as landfill for a new airport.

A new report says that the ashes of Marlon Brando were recently spread in Tahiti and Death Valley.

His ashes were spread just as he requested – from a grated cheese jar.

Costume retailers say that George Bush masks are outselling John Kerry masks this Halloween.

That's not counting all the people who get Botox injections.

They say that, in every presidential election since 1980, the candidate whose mask sells better has won the election.

For example, four years ago George Bush masks didn't sell as well as Al Gore masks.

A flight from London to Washington was diverted to Maine yesterday after the singer formerly know as Cat Stevens whose now know as Yusuf Islam turned up on a government watch list.

Good thing his name wasn't P. Diddy.

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Welcome to the Late Show – where you know going in all of the memos are fake.

George Bush and John Kerry have agreed to hold three face-to-face debates this fall.

President Bush agreed to the debates under his usual requirements: no electronic recording and he won't be under oath.

Dick Cheney and John Edwards will hold one vice presidential debate this fall.

They'll have one moderator on hand – and three EMTs.

Here in New York City the Health Department is working on a disaster recovery plan in case we're hit by a nuclear bomb.

Step one of the plan: evacuate the hookers.

Former child actor Macaulay Culkin was arrested last weekend on drug possession charges.

Industry insiders say this is the kind of thing that could really boost his career.

The arresting office said he looked very nervous and stressed out.

In fact, he said it was his best performance in years.

Paris Hilton has published a book of her memoirs.

There hasn't been a memoir with this much gratuitous sex in it since – Bill Clinton's.

Paris Hilton's new book is called “Confessions of an Heiress.”

Coincidentally, that's the same name of Teresa Heinz Kerry's memoirs.

Congratulations to Billy Joel who was given a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame this week.

Not for his singing; for his stunt car driving.

Congratulations to Billy Joel who was given a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame this week – and a summons for reckless driving.

The man who invented the AK-47 assault rifle is launching his own brand of vodka.

I believe this would be the most volatile combination since Liza Minelli married David Gest.

The U.S. Mint unveiled two new designs for the nickel last week.

One of the new nickels has Thomas Jefferson and one side and an American buffalo on the other – Rosie O'Donnell.

This is the second time this year the government announced new designs for the nickel.

In response, earlier today John Kerry accused George Bush of not having a coherent nickel policy.

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Welcome to the Late Show – Emmy free since 1994!

The Emmy Awards were last night.

Congratulations to NBC, who won all the special effects awards for Donald Trump's hair.

CBS didn't win many Emmy awards.

It was the most embarrassing Sunday for CBS since last year's Super Bowl.

Here at CBS we only won a single Emmy – for the craziest performance by a member of the Jackson family.

Last night before the Emmy Awards Star Jones replaced Joan on the red carpet.

It's the first new face on the red carpet since – Joan's last face-lift.

Last week Martha Stewart announced that she's going to go to jail immediately, rather than waiting for her appeals to run out.

Today President Bush pointed to it as evidence we're winning the war on terror.

Martha has asked to do her time close to her home in Connecticut – and to be given a uniform made from a breathable fabric.

Federal officials say that Martha may have to serve her time in Florida.

If she does, she's expected to get a job in the prison making crooked voting machines.

Martha says she's hoping to be out of jail in time to plant her spring garden.

Martha says she already looking forward to bullying her gardener.

When Martha reports to prison, they're going to make her strip, they're going to check her for fleas, and they're going to make her surrender all her cash.

It's the same thing you have to do when you pick up a hooker in Times Square.

Congratulations to Britney Spears who got married again this weekend.

Friends say it was a beautiful ceremony, particularly when she lip-sync'd “I do.”

This is her second marriage – and the first one she can remember.

It's her second marriage in nine months. Earlier today she got a nice message from Jennifer Lopez – “Slow down!”

President Bush was in Florida this weekend taking a tour of the areas hit by Hurricane Ivan.

He inspected the damage to the crooked voting machines.

Congratulations to Miss Alabama Deidre Downs who was named Miss America this weekend.

For the talent portion of the competition she fought off an advance by Donald Trump.

Former President Bill Clinton is back at home recovering from heart bypass surgery.

They say things are getting back to normal at the Clinton house – Bill's already sleeping on the couch.

Doctor's say Bill is recovering quickly and he should be able to date again in no time.

Officials in Iraq say that Saddam Hussein's trial could begin next month.

He's got a lot riding on the outcome of this trial – like his endorsement deal with Pepsi.

More information is coming out now about Saddam Hussein's life in prison.

Apparently, he's confined to a 10-by-13 foot air-conditioned room, he's allowed out once a day for exercise and he eats muffins and cookies all day – no, wait, I'm sorry that's Dick Cheney.

President Bush and John Kerry have agreed on a plan to hold three debates this fall.

They were able to reach a compromise: one debate on domestic policy, one debate on foreign policy – and the third debate on something President Bush actually knows about.

Last week the National Hockey League owners announced they were locking out the players and said that the entire upcoming season may be canceled.

The good news is this just guaranteed the New York Rangers a 500 record

That means the only goon getting into fights on the ice this winter will be Tonya Harding.

Last week Oprah gave out a new car to each member of her studio audience.

Tonight after this show all of our audience members will have their cars stolen.

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Former President Bill Clinton is recovering from heart bypass surgery earlier this week.

You can tell the Clintons are already getting back to normal. Earlier today Hillary threw a bedpan at him.

President Clinton's doctors say he's doing well, but he'll have to clear his schedule for the next couple of months.

His aides have already canceled all of his dates.

President Clinton is staying in a luxury room at the hospital with all the amenities: a concierge, a gourmet chef and topless nurses.

This week the defense department announced that they've found more records related to President Bush's National Guard service, including his report card.

His report card was pretty good, except under attendance it read “Needs improvement.”

Apparently, they found President Bush's old National Guard report card under his mattress in his old room, next to some porn.

Newly released documents about President Bush's National Guard service show that he failed to satisfy the minimum requirements to be a pilot.

Kind of like how he failed to satisfy the minimum requirements to be president.

Today I saw a sure sign it's Fashion Week here in New York City.

My cab driver this morning was modeling the new line of fall turbans.

In honor of it being fashion week here in New York City, Donald Trump is going to marry a different super model each day.

You can really tell it's Fashion Week here in New York City.

The outrageous outfits, the high heels, the makeup – and that's just Jim McGreevey.

There are rumors now that President Bush may skip one of the three presidential debates with John Kerry.

It's the same strategy he used in the National Guard.

Down in Florida they're bracing themselves for Hurricane Ivan.

It's already caused the postponement of several sporting events. Earlier today, they postponed Janet Reno's next alligator wrestling match.

Over on NBC earlier tonight “The Apprentice 2″ debuted.

They say this season it's going to be bigger and crazier than last season – and that's just Donald Trump's hair.

Celebrity birthdays: Arnold Palmer turns 75 on Friday.

Arnold says he stays in shape by eating right, exercising, and drinking a shot of Penzoil every day.

NASA's Genesis capsule that was returning to Earth with solar particles collected from space crashed in the desert in Utah yesterday when its parachutes failed to open.

Eyewitnesses say the spacecraft was traveling out of control at a high rate of speed before it crashed. It was just like Billy Joel was driving it.

Paris Hilton has a new book out. In it she talks about her teacup Chihuahua, her beauty tips, her advice for dating men – no wait, I'm sorry, that's Jim McGreevey's new book

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Former President Bill Clinton had heart bypass surgery this earlier this week.

His doctors say he should be home sleeping on the couch again in no time.

President Clinton's doctors say he's doing well, but he's still a bit hazy from all the medication.

This morning, out of habit, he gave Hillary an alibi for the night before.

Former President Clinton's heart surgery was such a success that earlier today President Bush pointed to it as proof that his health care policy is working.

It's Fashion Week here in New York City.

That means for one week, I'm no longer the biggest bitch in New York.

Today I saw a sure sign it's Fashion Week here in New York.

Jim McGreevey was giving queer makeovers.

I was pepper-sprayed by a super model.

There's a new book out that claims that President Bush smoked marijuana while he was in the National Guard.

So while John Kerry was getting medals, George Bush was getting the munchies.

Apparently he liked to smoke with some of his friends in the National Guard.

Which explains why nobody can remember serving with him.

Earlier today President Bush toured parts of Florida damaged by Hurricane Frances.

He vowed to help rebuild every damaged crooked voting machine.

Vice President Dick Cheney said this week that if John Kerry is elected it will put the U.S. at risk for another terrorist attack.

To emphasize the point, every time he said “John Kerry” he had a heart attack.

Donald Trump says that he doesn't use a blow dryer on his hair.

And you'd never know it by looking at him.

Instead, he just tosses it in the microwave for a few seconds.

Donald Trump says that he after he washes his hair, he lets it air dry for an hour.

Then he gives a quick coat of lacquer and he's ready to go.

Tom Ridge said this week that terrorists are planning to try and disrupt the democratic process this November.

He assured everyone that the only people who will disrupt the democratic process this November are the Republicans.

The Congressional Budget Office announced yesterday that the U.S. budget deficit will reach $2.29 trillion in ten years.

Today President Bush said he's already considering a preemptive strike against Switzerland.

Michael Moore said this week that he's going to submit “Fahrenheit 9/11″ for an Oscar in the best picture category, rather than best documentary.

So he's basically skipping the smaller category for a bigger one. It's the same strategy he uses at McDonalds.

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Former President Bill Clinton had quadruple heart bypass surgery yesterday.

Doctors say he's awake but sedated. In fact, he's on so much medication that earlier today he actually kissed Hillary.

Family members say President Clinton is already feeling a lot better.

Earlier today he did a book signing in the hospital gift shop.

President Clinton has already vowed to cut back on all the fatty meats – and he's vowed to change his diet too.

Down in Florida there have been lots of arrests of people for looting during Hurricane Frances.

Florida Officials say they haven't seen stealing like this since the last election.

Good news: here in New York City crime was way down during the Republican National Convention last week.

It was the usual thing that happens when Republicans come to town; murder was down but prostitution was up.

John Kerry said this week that if he's elected president he will pull all U.S. troops out of Iraq during his first term.

He's making a lot of big promises. Earlier today he also promised if elected to pull Michael Moore out of McDonald's.

The FCC has fined CBS $550,000 for the Janet Jackson incident during the Super Bowl.

This is the most CBS has ever paid for putting a boob on the air since they hired me.

Paris Hilton is coming out with her own line of jewelry.

She's says her jewelry will be low budget and high quality – just like her sex video.

Scientists in England announced last week that they've received an unexplained radio signal from deep space.

Experts say this could prove to be the first intelligent thing ever heard on radio.

Ken Jennings is back on “Jeopardy!” this week.

To put it into perspective, he's won so much money on the show that earlier today he registered as a Republican.

Today I saw a sure sign it's U.S. Open time in New York again.

On my way to work I was mugged and beaten by a punk with a tennis racket.

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Happy Labor Day everyone!

Today, of course, is the day when most Americans will take time out from looking for a job.

I had a really great weekend.

Finally, somebody found and returned my teacup chihuahua.

Last Friday's audience was pretty bad.

Half way through the show they challenged me to a duel.

Former President Bill Clinton had heart bypass surgery today.

His doctors say the operation went well and he should be able to return to a full slate of cheating activities.

They say he's in good spirits; he's hitting on the candy stripers.

I'm thinking finally something he and I have in common – other than babes.

President Bush called President Clinton this weekend to send his best wishes.

It was some phone call. He also got a $500 contribution out of him.

Dick Cheney also sent his best wishes, except he just had to walk down the hall to see him.

John Kerry spoke on the phone for 90-minutes with President Clinton before his surgery.

They said it was just what the doctor ordered – it put him out like a light.

Aides say President Clinton has already received 15,000 messages of support.

He's received 15,000 messages – and several hundred phone numbers.

I thought this was nice. He got a get well soon card from the entire staff of Hooters

Teresa Heniz Kerry was briefly hospitalized over the weekend.

She told reporters today that she's feeling fine – right before she told them to shove it.

Over in Iraq coalition forces captured Saddam Hussein's former second-in-command Izzat Ibrahim al-Douri at a medical clinic.

Here's what we know about him: he was number two in command, he's been in hiding for months, he's in poor health – no wait, I'm sorry, that's Dick Cheney.

This guy was about the last one left from the deck of most wanted Iraqis. He was the “old maid.”

Down in Florida they're recovering from Hurricane Frances this weekend.

Locals say they haven't seen something this big and strong come to Florida since – Janet Reno.

The winds were so strong they actually bent Jane Reno in half.

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Dick Cheney spoke at the Republican National Convention last night.

You could tell he was excited to be there the way he kept giving shout outs to Halliburton.

The Vice President had all of his loved ones in the audience for his speech last night.

There was his wife, his children – and the entire board of Halliburton.

Dick Cheney's speech last night was interrupted once by protestors.

And four times by paramedics.

It's official – President Bush accepted the Republican nomination for president last night.

That means down in Florida they can finally start printing the crooked ballots.

I thought the President looked a little cocky during his speech last night.

Especially the way he had Saddam Hussein bring him glasses of water.

The Bush twins were pretty well behaved during their dad's speech.

They only flashed their breasts twice.

Well, the Republican National Convention is finally over.

Today the airports were crowded with thousands of people trying to catch flights home – and that's just the hookers.

John Kerry said earlier this week that the United States will win the war on terrorism.

In fact he said if he's elected not only we will win the war – but he'll be awarded a bunch of medals.

Prosecutors in Colorado have dropped the charges against Kobe Bryant.

Experts say he may still have to make a large, cash payment – to his wife.

Hurricane Frances is heading towards Florida.

Today Governor Bush ordered an evacuation of all the crooked voting machines.

Jennifer Lopez has fired her makeup man.

She's already vowed to have a new makeup man in place by her next wedding.

She said she needs somebody with ass experience.

Michael Jackson's father is going to write a tell-all book about his family.

He's going to have one chapter per child – ordered by degrees of insanity.

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Arnold Schwarzenegger gave a speech at the Republican National Convention last night.

His speech was downright presidential – you know, with all that broken English.

His speech was quite well received. He was interrupted five or six times for group sex.

Last night at the Republican convention Arnold Schwarzenegger called the Democrats “girlie men” again.

The Democrats were pretty offended – except for the governor of New Jersey.

The other night at the Republican National Convention a man got to within 10 feet of Dick Cheney before Secret Service agents dragged him away.

Here's how close he got to the Vice President: he was within arms reach of his Big Mac Extra Value meal.

Congratulations to President Bush who officially received enough delegates for the Republican nomination last night.

It was a landslide victory. They didn't even need to count the crooked delegates.

The Bush twins addressed the Republican National Convention last night.

Coincidentally, last night was the slowest night of the week for alcohol sales.

Yesterday President Bush said that we will win the war on terror after saying earlier in the week that he didn't think we could.

Today John Kerry accused him of stealing his positions.

Over there in Iraq they now have their first all talk radio station.

All day long they take calls from Vinnie in Najaf.

Donald Trump has trademarked the name Trump University.

Actually the full name of the school will be the Trump University and Casino.

Washington, D.C. sniper John Allen Muhammad has complained that his jailers won't let him have access to his legal files or wear underwear.

It's the same thing they did to Martha Stewart.

Astronomers have recently discovered four new planets outside of our solar system.

The nearest one is 50 light years away. To put into perspective, that's still farther out there than Michael Jackson.

American astronomers recently discovered the two smallest planets ever found outside of our solar system.

They say they're the smallest bodies every found – aside from the Olsen twins.

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