From July 2003 until October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN. I wrote and submitted about 10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used. But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get paid for it!

Dave is one of my top two all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It never, ever got old.

This section displays all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is). Use the archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.

Jokes highlighted in bold were used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention. You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by Jay and Carson and Jimmy) on my Late Night Jokes page.

Enjoy!

It's day two of the Republican National Convention here in New York and things are crazy.

Earlier today Secretary of State Colin Powell appealed to Europe to commit extra hookers.

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It's pretty wild here in New York right now with the Republicans here.

So far this week we've had naked people in the streets, all night parties, people getting arrested – and that's just what the Bush twins have been up to.

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Senator John McCain gave a speech at the Republican National Convention last night.

When they first heard a war hero was speaking, out of habit, the Republicans launched a smear campaign.

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Michael Moore was in Madison Square Garden last night.

He was there to check out the convention – and the nachos.

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California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger spoke at the Republican National Convention earlier tonight.

Not only did he support the Republican platform – he bench-pressed it.

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Golan Cipel, the man who accused New Jersey Gov. Jim McGreevey of sexual harassment, now says that he's not going to sue.

He said he's willing to settle for an apology – and a queer makeover.

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Earlier this week in California they began jury selection in the Kobe Bryant trial – and Mrs. Bryant began jewelry selection.

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President Bush said this week that it's probably not possible to win the war against terrorism.

He said if we can't win, the most important thing is that we have fun trying.

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Happy birthday to the Internet, which turned 35 this week.

To celebrate, last night I stayed up all night gambling online and downloading pornography.

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Scientists in Germany have discovered that eating chocolate can help prevent hardening of the arteries.

In response, Dick Cheney's doctors immediately put him on a strict regimen of Godiva.

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Up in Syracuse Bruegger's Bagels recently made the world's largest bagel: 868 pounds.

It was sponsored by the Republicans to keep Michael Moore out of the city this week.

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It's day one of the Republican National Convention here in New York and already things are crazy.

Tens of thousands of people are marching in the streets – and that's just the hookers.

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Some estimates say it looked like there were 400,000 protestors in the streets of New York yesterday.

Actually, it was just Michael Moore and about ten other guys.

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Vice President Dick Cheney is in town for the convention.

Yesterday he arrived on Ambulance One.

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Security here in New York is really tight for the Republican National Convention.

Earlier today Tom Ridge raised the Hooker Alert Level to red.

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Today I saw a sure sign that the Republican National Convention is here in New York City.

I saw Donald Rumsfeld outside of Madison Square Garden walking Saddam Hussein around naked on a leash.

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Over there in Greece the Olympics finally wrapped up last night.

Did you see those closing ceremonies? I don't want to say they were gay, but the only people who seemed to be enjoying them were the synchronized divers.

And today the last of the synchronized divers returned to Massachusetts.

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President Bush admitted this weekend that John Kerry was “more heroic” then he was during the Vietnam War.

He's really coming clean on lot of things. Earlier today he also admitted that Al Gore was “more elected” than he was four years ago.

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Celebrity birthdays: Ted Williams would have turned 86 today.

His friends and family threw a party for his frozen head – they had his body jump out of a cake.

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The New York Taxi and Limousine Commission said this weekend that they won't press charges against Mike Wallace for lunging at two inspectors earlier this month.

They let him off with a warning: if he does it again, he'll have to surrender his Viagra.

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Paris Hilton is publishing a book of her memoirs next month.

She's already shopping the movie rights around to adult film companies.

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Paris Hilton has a book of her memoirs coming out next month called “Confessions of an Heiress: A Tongue-in-Chic Peek Behind the Pose.”

I'm sorry, that's the title of Jim McGreevey's new memoirs.

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Surgeons in Germany were able to grow a new jaw bone for a man on his back and successfully transplant it to his mouth.

Scientists say this could really have far reaching implications for Michael Jackson.

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Next week is the big Republican National Convention here in New York City.

Which means there's going to be people from all 50 states here – and those are just the hookers.

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Here's a tip for all you Republicans who will be in town next week.

If you see a stray dog on the street, don't pet him – it's probably a rat.

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Here in Manhattan they're telling workers to stay home next week during the Republican National Convention.

City officials are asking everybody who commutes into the city, please, if you can – mug somebody near your home.

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Congratulations to American Rulon Gardner who won a bronze medal in wrestling. After the match he announced his retirement by taking off his shoes and leaving them in the wrestling ring.

There wasn't a dry eye in the house – until they removed the shoes.

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Congratulations to the Cuban baseball team for winning the gold medal yesterday.

After the game each player was given a gold medal and a contract offer from the Yankees.

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Here's a feel good story: this week in Athens a taxi driver returned a silver medal that was left in his cab by accident by a Dutch athlete.

As soon as he found out whose medal it was, he drove it three times around the city and right over to the athletes' village.

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This week a Cuban woman mailed herself in a wooden crate the size of a filing cabinet from the Bahamas to Miami.

When they asked her shy she did it she said because the crate offered more leg room than coach.

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Julia Roberts says that she's going to take a break from making movies because she's pregnant.

Unfortunately, Jennifer Lopez still isn't preganant.

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Singer Dave Matthews is being sued for dumping 800 pounds of human waste from his tour bus on a boat filled with passengers.

I believe that's the biggest load of crap an entertainer has dropped on a crowd since – my last show.

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Out in Minnesota a little girl recently found a frog with five legs and 23 toes.

Experts say this could lead to a whole new type of Value Meal at KFC.

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In California this weekend they're literally having a garage sale to get rid of unwanted state property.

They'll be trying to get rid of office furniture, computers, cars – and Michael Jackson.

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Here's a tip for all you Republicans coming to town for the convention next week.

Remember, pepper spray isn't just good for self-defense – it's also a tasty condiment.

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Yesterday Vice President Dick Cheney said that he doesn't support a constitutional ban on gay marriage.

Apparently the bunker they've been hiding him in is in Massachusetts.

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President Bush is campaigning in a series of battleground states this week.

The battleground states are the ones where Bush and Kerry are even in the polls – and the governor isn't President Bush's brother.

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An economist at Yale is predicting that President Bush is going to win the election this fall based on a statistical model he developed.

He based his prediction on the inflation rate, the unemployment rate – and the fact that his brother is the governor of Florida.

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Celebrity birthdays: Regis Philbin turns 71 today.

A bunch of his friends and family celebrated by having dinner without him.

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A new report blames Donald Rumsfeld and other senior government officials for the abuse of inmates at the Abu Ghraib prison.

To make up for it Donald Rumsfeld has offered to walk himself around naked on a leash.

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A woman here in New York went into a restaurant and ordered a salad and in the salad she found a fingertip.

Naturally, she sent the salad right back – you know, because it was underdone.

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A brewing company in Pennsylvania has introduced a new aluminum beer bottle, which they say keeps the beer colder for longer.

Don't they already have that? It's called a can.

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Donald Trump has his own board game now, called “TRUMP the Game.”

It's just like Monopoly, except instead of the top hat it comes with a replica of Trump's hair.

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Bob Dylan will be publishing his memoirs this fall.

The audio version of the book will come with an alternative English track.

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A California legislator is threatening to introduce a law requiring porn actors to use condoms.

Gov, Arnold Schwarzenegger has come out in support of this law. In fact he says from now on he'll require anybody he has group sex with to use a condom.

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Next week here in New York we've got the Republican National Convention.

So if you think we're overrun with rats now, just wait.

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Here in New York we're really rolling out the red carpet for the Republican National Convention next week.

For example, the hookers in Times Square will be offering discounts to delegates from battleground states.

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Republican officials are now saying that President Bush will only be in New York for the last day of next week's convention.

So, he'll only need a hotel room for a couple of hours – like most tourists.

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Yesterday President Bush called for an end to political smear ads by outside organizations.

He says from now on, his campaign will handle all smear ads directly.

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Earlier this week First Lady Laura Bush refused to appear on stage with P. Diddy at a museum opening in Cincinnati.

On the bright side, the Bush twins partied with him afterwards.

She said if she wanted to be seen with a gun toting goofball she would've brought her husband along.

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American gymnast Paul Hamm won the gold medal in the men's all-around because of a mathematical error.

Today he got a phone call from President Bush – so they could compare notes.

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Congratulations to Regis Philbin who recently set the world record for the most hours on television.

I'm still the record holder for the most embarrassing hours on television.

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Celebrity birthdays: Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat turns 75 today.

The Israelis threw him a surprise birthday ambush.

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Michael Jackson says in a recent interview that he doesn't like being called “Wacko Jacko.”

Apparently, it's too confusing when he's out with Latoya.

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Scientists in Croatia say they've found the world's deepest hole; it's 100 feet wide and nearly 1,700 feet deep.

They say the only other place on Earth where you can find a whole that big is Courtney Love.

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My mom's really got Olympic fever.

Today she was on the phone with her bookie trying to make a bet on ping pong.

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Congratulations to swimmer Michael Phelps who tied an Olympic record by winning eight medals.

Here's how impressive this is: no American has been that successful winning medals overseas since John Kerry.

He's won so many medals that, out of habit, the Republicans launched a smear campaign.

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Olympic controversy: American gymnast Paul Hamm won the men's all-round gold medal after the judges made a mathematical error.

Officials said they discovered the error too late and they couldn't change the results, so the wrong guy won. It's the same way George Bush became president.

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Here in New York we're down to the last minute preparations for the Republican National Convention next week.

Today in Times Square they were power washing the hookers.

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A lot of people are leaving the city in anticipation of the Republican National Convention next week.

I think the technical term for that is “jumping bail.”

Here's how crazy it's going to be here next week: even the rats are planning on working out of Newark.

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Celebrity birthdays: Kobe Bryant turns 26 today.

You can tell he's planning a big party – he's already bought his wife a make-up diamond.

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This week some Senate Republicans have called for the CIA to be disbanded.

They said all of our intelligence could easily be mishandled by other agencies.

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A couple of weeks ago New Jersey Gov. James McGreevey resigned after announcing he's gay and that he had an affair with another man.

He's already working closely with his successor to ease the transition. Earlier today he gave him a queer makeover.

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Last week the California Supreme Court nullified all same-sex wedding performed earlier this year in San Francisco.

That means I get another crack at Rosie O'Donnell!

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Last week 86 year-old Mike Wallace was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct after he lunged at a police officer.

FOX is already planning a reality special on the incident, call “When Geezers Attack.”

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Here in New York, while we're under Orange Alert, Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge is telling everybody to go about your business and do what you normally would do.

People are really taking his advice. For example, the Mets keep losing.

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The Bush Administration admitted this week that the terror alert information they released was four years old.

They had a pretty good excuse. They said the information was accidentally hidden away with a bunch of votes for Al Gore.

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Earlier today the Bush Administration announced they've found more intelligence about plans for an attack on American soil.

They say they have good information that the Japanese may be planning to attack Pearl Harbor.

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You can tell Al Qaeda really is gearing up to try and attack us again.

Today, on my way to work, my cab driver made me wait for 20 minutes while he cased the New York Stock Exchange.

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This week John Kerry accused President Bush of helping to recruit terrorists with his policies.

That's ridiculous; Bush couldn't even recruit enough people to vote for him four years ago.

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In Davenport, Iowa yesterday three banks were robbed while President Bush and John Kerry were campaigning there.

That's really odd. Usually the stealing goes on after the election.

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This week NFL teams opened their training camps.

The Jets have a new slogan this year, have you heard it? “Refuse to lose – you know, if you feel like it.”

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NBC announced this week that they're developing a new reality show to find the next great swimsuit supermodel.

In response, CBS announced this week that next season the cast of “60 Minutes” will do their shows in Speedos.

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A worker at Disney World dressed at Tigger who was accused of fondling a 13-year-old girl was acquitted of the charges this week.

He's not out of the woods yet; he's still facing charges that he felt up Eyore.

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Out there in Missouri this week voters approved a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage.

As part of the amendment, they've also changed their state motto to the “Don't Ask, Don't Show Me” state.

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We're all recovering today from having former President Bill Clinton on the show yesterday.

In fact, the police are still taking statements from all the female interns.

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Here in New York City we're still at Code Orange.

And for an extra $25 dollars, the hookers in Times Square will take you up to a Code Red.

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Today I saw a sure sign we're at an elevated terror threat level. Over in Central Park I saw a squirrel frisking his nuts.

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Tonight on Fox they had the finale of “The Simple Life 2.”

That means starting now I'm once again the most annoying, spoiled bitch on TV.

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VH1 is debuting an original movie about Michael Jackson this Friday.

It's part of “Divas Week” on VH1.

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Here in New York this past weekend a monkey bit a toddler at a Brooklyn supermarket.

The supermarket has apologized saying they don't know how the monkey escaped from the deli case.

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The Bush Administration admitted this week that the information that led to a raised terror threat level in New York City and Washington D.C. was actually several years old.

Officials admit it's been three or four years since President Bush first ignored this intelligence.

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The U.S. Olympic basketball team was blown out by Italy yesterday, 95-78.

Today John Kerry blamed the loss on President Bush for dragging his feet.

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Teresa Heinz Kerry told off a Bush supporter who was heckling her during a speech earlier this week.

Not only is this woman smart and rich, she's also vice presidential material.

She seems to be getting crazier by the day. Earlier today she challenged Dick Cheney to a fistfight.

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Saddam Hussein's daughter Raghad says that she wants to visit her father.

She says she just wants to make sure he's getting his flea medication.

She says he doesn't want any Jewish lawyers to represent him.

It's the same thing Martha Stewart said.

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Former first lady Nancy Reagan said this week she's supporting President Bush for president this fall.

That means he's pretty much sewn up the former Republican First Lady vote.

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Kentucky Derby winner Smarty Jones has been retired to stud because of an injury.

He's been retired to the country where he can just eat and have sex all day – it's the same thing they did with Bill Clinton.

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Earlier today NASA launched the Messenger probe, which will orbit the planet Mercury.

Rather than fly directly to Mercury, the probe will take a much longer and less direct route. It's the same technology they use for New York City cabs.

If all goes well, the probe should arrive at Mercury in about 6 ½ years – by about the end of John Kerry's second term.

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Celebrity birthdays: Martha Stewart turns 63 today.

She celebrated with a few close friends and parole officers.

In lieu of cash or gifts, she asked that her friends just get her a few cartons of smokes.

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It's really hot here in New York.

Today it was so hot I went over to the New York Stock Exchange just so I could get scanned by a nice cool wand.

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Here in New York City the terror threat level has been raised again.

You can always tell when the threat level is up again in the city – the hookers will pat down the tourists for free.

Today my cab driver made me drive while he crouched down in the back seat.

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First Lady Laura Bush was in New York yesterday to show that it's still safe to go to work in the city.

Daughters Jenna and Barbara Bush were also in town to show that it's still safe to get good and drunk in the city.

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President Bush says that he supports the Sept. 11 commission's recommendation to create a national intelligence director.

However, he said he doesn't believe that person should work in the White House – kind of like him.

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John Kerry and John Edwards have released a book detailing their plans if elected.

Teresa Heinz Kerry even contributed to it; she wrote a profanity-laced introduction.

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Earlier today the Statue of Liberty was opened to visitors for the first time since the September 11 attacks, although the crown remains closed.

Officials say it may be years before people are able to urinate from the crown again.

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The post office across the street from the World Trade Center reopened yesterday for the first time since the September 11 attacks.

The post office employees officially reopened the office at 8:00 am yesterday – and then closed it for their first break at 8:45 am.

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Down in Texas this weekend Houston Astros pitcher Roger Clemens was ejected from his son's youth league baseball game for arguing a call with an umpire.

To make it up to the team, after the game he took them all out to work on their bat throwing skills.

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President Bush says that he supports the Sept. 11 commission's recommendation to create a national intelligence director to oversee all U.S. intelligence agencies.

Administration officials say this would reduce the number of daily intelligence memos he has to ignore.

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There's a new poll out that shows John Kerry didn't get any bounce from last week's Democratic National Convention.

Apparently the only bounce he got from the convention was when he bumped into Michael Moore in the buffet line.

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This weekend the federal government warned about possible terrorist attacks against financial institutions in New York and Washington.

What they've done is raise the threat level for any building in those cities that brings in a lot of money – which means this theater is safe.

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Former President Bill Clinton has been offered the chance to host “Saturday Night Live.”

Hillary is encouraging him to do it – so for once she'll know where he is on a Saturday night.

It's almost a done deal; they're just negotiating about the size and color of his interns.

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The Ten Commandment monument that was banished from the Alabama state judicial building is now on a national tour.

This is the first time a statue has gone on tour since Al Gore ran for president.

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Over in Iraq officials say Saddam Hussein has a prostate infection, but is refusing to allow doctors to perform a biopsy.

Damn, I was looking forward to watching that on Fox News.

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Last week the New York Yankees said they would be willing to pay the costs for a new stadium.

Under their proposed plan the city would only have to pay for improvements to infrastructure around the stadium, like roads, bridges – and hookers.

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Mike Tyson was knocked out in the fourth round of his comeback fight on Friday night.

Now that he lost, it looks like his fight with Liza Minelli is off.

They say it looks like his boxing career is over now. All I can say is thank god he invested his money wisely.

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A white tiger escaped from the circus here in New York on Saturday and was eventually captured in Queens.

Here's how big he was – even the rats were scared.

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The organizers of the Miss America pageant say they're eliminating the talent competition from the show.

So now the Miss America pageant will be a show with a bunch of hot chicks and no talent – just like this show.

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