Chumworth on the News – 2004

Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show

From July 2003 until October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN. I wrote and submitted about 10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used. But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get paid for it!

Dave is one of my top two all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It never, ever got old.

This section displays all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is). Use the archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.

Jokes highlighted in bold were used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention. You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by Jay and Carson and Jimmy) on my Late Night Jokes page.

Enjoy!

John Kerry was officially nominated at the Democratic National Convention last night.

Maybe it was just me but the delegates didn't seem too excited about it. All they did was say, “All in favor of horseface say 'Aye!'”

John Kerry officially accepted the Democratic nomination for president on Thursday night.

He couldn't wipe the smile off of his face all night – you know, because of the Botox.

Jennifer Lopez says that her recent marriage to Marc Anthony is the beginning of Phase Two of her life.

By my count, this is actually more like Phase 27.

Celebrity birthdays: Arnold Schwarzenegger turns 57 on Friday.

The California Democrats got him one of those big cakes and had a girlie man jump out of it.

Osama bin Laden's half brother Yeslam Binladin says that he enjoyed “Fahrenheit 9/11.”

You can see his whole review on this week's edition of “Ebert & Binladin at the Movies.”

Saddam Hussein's lawyers say that he's had a stroke.

It doesn't look good. They say he may not survive until the Kerry Administration.

The White House has projected that the federal deficit this year will be more than $420 billion.

The Bush Administration is pretty clever, though. They say that amount doesn't include writing off Iraq as a tax loss.

A Florida man saved himself from an attack by an 11-foot alligator by punching it in the nose.

He said it was an old trick he learned from Janet Reno.

Fred LaRue, who was once rumored to be Deep Throat in the Watergate scandal, died this week at age 75.

In reality, we don't really know if there ever was a Deep Throat – aside from Monica.

Congratulations to Ashlee Simpson, Jessica's little sister, whose debut album is the No. 1 album in the country this week.

Friends say that when Jessica heard the news she wasn't just surprised – she was dumbfounded.

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I was watching the Democratic National Convention with mom the other night and about half way through Bill Clinton's speech she turns to me and asks, “David, when is Harry Truman going to speak?”

Earlier tonight at the Democratic National Convention John Edwards accepted the vice presidential nomination.

They say his speech was almost “Liebermaneseque.”

Ted Kennedy spoke at the Democratic National Convention last night.

Ted looked great. They say he's lost so much weight he had to borrow a pants suit from Hillary.

Teresa Heinz Kerry spoke at the Democratic National Convention last night.

Her speech was well received – and only had to be bleeped eight or nine times.

Teresa Heinz Kerry says that she's not sorry that she told a reporter to “shove it.”

She does say that if she had it to do all over again, though, she might not give him the finger.

Earlier this week John Kerry visited the Kennedy Space Center in Florida.

Not to be outdone, earlier this week President Bush attended space camp.

Down in Florida this week they said that a computer crash had wiped out votes cast by new touchscreen voting machines.

In other words, all systems are go!

Martha Stewart's lawyers have asked the judge if she can begin serving her sentence at her 153-acre country estate while she appeals because she feels it would be best for her company.

That Martha – always willing to go to the mat for the little people.

HBO has announced that the next season of “The Sopranos” won't air until 2006.

That means that “The Sopranos” has fresh material about as often as this show.

The creator of “The Simpsons” announced this week that one of the characters on the show will soon come out of the closet and get married.

In response, today President Bush called for a constitutional amendment banning gay cartoon marriages.

China has announced plans to launch its second manned spacecraft sometime next year.

They didn't announce an exact launch date, but they did say it would be sometime during the Kerry Administration.

Courtney Love was sentenced to 18 months in drug rehab this week, during which time she's also barred from taking non-prescription drugs or drinking alcohol.

Lawyers for this show have already filed an appeal.

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Howard Dean spoke at the Democratic convention in Boston earlier tonight.

He gave the keynote rant.

Teresa Heinz Kerry spoke at the Democratic convention in Boston earlier tonight.

Her speech went quite well; she got several standing ovations – and didn't tell anybody to “shove it.”

John Kerry's wife Teresa told a reporter to “shove it” the other night.

Who know she was such first lady material.

Coincidentally, that same night former President Bill Clinton told a reporter to “touch it.”

The White House says that President Bush is moving quickly to adopt the recommendations of the 9/11 commission.

He said it's his number one priority – as soon as he gets back from his month long vacation.

Down in Texas President Bush fell off his mountain bike this week.

He wasn't injured and his doctors say he's already been able to resume a full slate of vacation activities.

President Bush says that mountain biking has a “mind-clearing” effect on him.

My question is what doesn't have a mind-clearing effect on him?

Britney Spears is reportedly planning on a Kabbalah wedding ceremony when she gets married this fall.

Not only that but she's already planning on a Kabbalah divorce.

Friends say she's been practicing how to lip sync “mazl tov.”

Celebrity birthdays: Yankee third baseman Alex Rodriguez turns 29 today.

In honor of his birthday, earlier today Yankee owner George Steinbrenner fired 29 employees.

Former President Bill Clinton has invited 125,000 people to the opening of his presidential library in November.

And those are just the names from his little black book.

He figures with that many people it'll be easier to keep Hillary from running into his date.

Here in New York City they're talking about selling the naming rights to subway stations.

And if that works out, then they'll do the same thing for the hookers.

Mary-Kate Olsen has been discharged from a treatment facility after spending six weeks there for an eating disorder.

Her treatment's not done yet. Now she's going to spend six weeks living with Rueben Studdard.

Earlier this week Cher announced that she was adding another leg to her Farewell tour, which has been going on for over three years now.

This farewell tour has been so long, she's already gone through two pairs of breasts.

This week NASA launched the Messenger spacecraft, which will orbit Mercury, where the surface temperature changes from 800 degrees during the day to -300 degrees at night.

The only other place in the solar system where the temperature drops that much at night is Bill and Hillary's house.

Rapper Ja Rule was arrested in Toronto over the weekend for assault.

His record label is pretty unhappy about it; this is the kind of thing that could give Murder, Inc. a bad name

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Earlier tonight in Boston it was the first night of the Democratic National Convention.

The security in Boston is so tight it's even tighter than John Kerry's face

The city of Boston is spending $60 million dollars for security during the convention.

And that's just to keep the female delegates safe from Ted Kennedy

Bill and Hillary Clinton and Al Gore all spoke tonight at the convention.

Things were a bit awkward, since they don't get along – and neither do the Clintons and Gore.

John Kerry threw out the first pitch at the Red Sox-Yankees game in Boston last night.

He threw a pretty good pitch. First it was going to the right, then it was going to the left – just like his voting record.

Reports say that Saddam Hussein is spending his days in prison writing poetry and tending to his garden.

He's also learning how to give queer makeovers

They say Saddam is depressed and demoralized and has been putting on weight since President Bush removed him from power.

It's the same thing that happened to Al Gore.

Congratulations to Lance Armstrong, who won the Tour de France this weekend, and became the first man to win it six times.

He's been so dominating in France that after he arrived in Paris again he got a congratulatory phone call from the president of Germany.

Celebrity birthdays: Barry Bonds turned 40 on Saturday.

His family made him his favorite cake: chocolate with the human growth hormone icing.

Celebrity birthdays: Mick Jagger turns 61 today.

His cake had 61 candles on it – one for each of his children.

Running back Ricky Williams of the Miami Dolphins announced his retirement this weekend after just five seasons.

If you think about it, that's pretty unusual. The Dolphins usually don't quit until December.

The name of the next Star Wars movie has been announced: “Revenge of the Sith.”

That's “Revenge of the Sith” as in “One for 'Revenge of the Sith', please.”

Not be confused with “Revenge of the Sith: Nerds in Paradise.”

Paris Hilton has broken up with her boyfriend Nick Carter.

Friends say it was an amicable break up – they'll split the proceeds from the sex video 50-50.

Scientists reported this week that for the first time ever they've obtained satellite images of giant waves in the ocean, some as high as 80 feet tall.

The scientists say they've also identified the cause of these giant waves – Rueben Studdard boogie boarding.

Kirstie Alley has been signed to start in her own reality show about the life of an overweight celebrity call “Fat Actress.”

Not to be outdone, Michael Moore has signed a deal for his own reality show called “Fat Documentarian.”

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It was so hot today here in New York that “Fahrenheit 9/11″ wasn't just Michael Moore's latest movie, it was also his body temperature.

It was so hot here in New York today that Bill Clinton was actually happy to get an icy stare from Hillary.

Earlier today Dennis Kucinich finally announced that he's withdrawing from the presidential race.

Nobody was more shocked to hear this than his wife – even she didn't know he was still running.

The scary part is he dropped out of the 2000 race.

The final report of the September 11th commission was released Thursday

Out of habit, former President Bill Clinton went on “Oprah” to promote the book.

President Bush said he's looking forward to ignoring all of the report's recommendations.

The final report doesn't blame either President Bush or former President Clinton for failing to stop the attacks

To be fair, it's hard to blame President Bush for the 9/11 attacks. He shouldn't have even been president in the first place.

Celebrity birthdays: “Jeopardy!” host Alex Trebeck turns 64 on Thursday.

As a special surprise all of his friends chipped in and had Ken Jennings whacked.

Celebrity birthdays: Monica Lewinsky turns 31 on Friday.

When it came time to blow out the candles on her cake, just for old time's sake, she did it under a desk.

Physicist Stephen Hawking says he no longer believes that black holes only swallow matter, but he now believes they eventually spit it all back out.

So, to put it in laymen's terms, he believes that black holes spit, they don't swallow.

So, to put it in laymen's terms, he believes that black are less like Michael Moore, and more like Mary-Kate Olsen.

Hawking announced his theory at the 17th International Conference on General Relativity and Gravitation.

I believe he was opening for Carrot Top.

All four branches of the U.S. military are now offering free face-lifts, breast enlargements, liposuction and nose jobs to their members.

That explains why earlier today Cher enlisted in the Marines.

Congratulations to Lance Armstrong who's close to winning his sixth straight Tour de France after easily winning Stage 16 Wednesday, a 9.6 mile climb straight up a mountain.

Observers say they haven't seen an American scale something that big that fast since – Bill Clinton.

Britney Spears' fiance became a father for the second time earlier this week.

So once they're married, that will make Britney his kids' step-skank.

The Kripsy Kreme donut chain has developed an iced beverage version of their famous glazed donut.

You see, this is exactly the kind of thing we're fighting for over in Iraq – drinkable donuts!

Pamela Anderson has written her first book, called “Star,” about a young woman who becomes a Playboy model and TV star.

Apparently, it's loosely based on reality but is filled with lots of fake material – just like her breasts.

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Former National Security Adviser Sandy Berger is being investigated for smuggling top-secret documents out of the National Archives in his socks.

Interestingly, Sandy Berger was the National Security Adviser to President Clinton who once tried to smuggle an intern in his pants.

California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is in trouble for calling Democratic legislators “girlie men” last week.

The Democrats are really mad about this and say they're going to demand an apology – just as soon as they all get back from their weddings in Massachusetts.

Michael Jackson is reportedly going to have quadruplets by a surrogate mother.

He's already hired extra nannies to help him dangle all those babies over balconies.

The U.S. Air Force is developing a new 30,000-pound bunker-busting bomb.

This would be the biggest bomb the U.S. has ever produced – aside from “Gigli.”

The new bomb is called the Massive Ordnance Penetrator.

I believe that was also the Secret Service's codename for President Clinton.

President Bush said this week that America will be safer if he's given four more years in office.

I'm thinking he wasn't given the first four years in office.

President Bush said yesterday that he would never negotiate with terrorists.

Hell, he won't even negotiate with Democrats.

P. Diddy has launched a campaign to get out the minority and youth vote this November.

It's called “Shoot Up the Vote.”

The campaign will include T-shirts, an album, television commercials – and weapons charges.

This week the Food and Drug Administration approved the use of Botox to curb excessive underarm sweating.

Just when you thought things couldn't get any better for Michael Moore.

Unfortunately, it still won't get rid of that stale cheese smell.

Earlier this week the Senate Judiciary Committee approved a constitutional amendment to ban flag burning.

Earlier today Massachusetts made flag burning legal.

Thank god, because there's really aren't any more important issues to deal with these days.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals released a video this week showing workers at a KFC slaughterhouse abusing chickens.

KFC has denied the allegations, saying they don't even use chicken in their food.

A Wisconsin man ate his 20,000th Big Mac on Monday.

Amazingly, he still only weighs 170 pounds – but his blood type is now “special sauce.”

He's eaten one Big Mac every day since 1972 – and every one of them without a date.

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Martha Stewart told Larry King last night that she's considering going to jail right away, so she can put the last 2 � years behind her.

And to avoid any more interviews with Larry King.

Martha Stewart says that she's planning to write a book of guidelines for people facing criminal charges.

She's already signed a book deal with a large advance of insider information.

It's going to be called “How To Lie To The Feds – And Look Graceful Doing It.”

President Bush said this week that the U.S. is investigating whether Iran had any role in the September 11th attacks.

Bush said he wants to know exactly what Iran's involvement was – and how much oil they have.

The CIA has previously said that there was no direct connection between Iran and September 11th.

If you listen closely, you can almost hear the tanks warming up.

John Edwards' younger brother Wesley Blake Edwards has turned himself to police in Colorado on an outstanding drunken driving charge.

If Kerry and Edwards win in November, that would mean he's just a heartbeat away from being the crazy presidential brother.

The Democrtaic party has announced the theme for next week's national convention: “Stronger at Home, Respected in the World.”

They had a tough time choosing a theme. It was either that or “Horseface for President.”

A new poll shows that 75% of voters think that it actually matters who wins the election in November.

And even higher percentage think it actually matters who becomes president in January.

Out in California wildfires have forced the evacuation of thousands of homes near Los Angeles.

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger has ordered his aides to interrupt him with updates on the fires no matter what muscle group he's working on.

A miner in Guinea found a 182-carat diamond last week.

To put it into perspective, that's big enough to supply J Lo's engagement rings for the rest of her life.

There are rumors now that Britney Spears is bloated, has a double chin, and that her figure is beginning to sag from too much partying.

Well, people always said she could be the next Liza Minelli.

A man in Romania who went into the hospital to have an operation on his testicles instead had his penis cut off.

To make matters worse, the guy now has to get a whole new referral from his primary care physician.

Singer Linda Ronstadt was fired from a job in Las Vegas after she dedicated a song to Michael Moore and a quarter of the audience walked out.

Apparently after she made the dedication, one guy got up and left.

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Martha Stewart was sentenced last week to five months in jail.

The judge allowed her to remain free pending her appeal, but she did have to surrender her passport – and her recipe for cr�me brulee.

The judge also sentenced her to five months of home confinement after her prison sentence.

Because nothing says “justice served” like five months confinement in a Connecticut mansion.

During her home confinement she'll have to wear s special bracelet that alerts the authorities if she does anything tasteless.

Friends say Martha Stewart's lost 20 pounds since her trial, due to a new diet and exercise regimen.

She's planning on writing her own weight loss guide: it's a low on carbs and high on perjury.

Her new workout regimen includes Rollerblading, long walks on the beach and pampering at spas.

That should prepare her well for prison life.

In fact, friends say she's actually looking forward to prison so she can start pumping iron.

The September 11 commission will publish its final report this week.

The commission members will be kicking off their promotional tour with an appearance on “The View.”

Will Smith's new movie “I, Robot” was the No. 1 movie this weekend.

I saw this movie and the robots looked so real, it was like watching a screen full of Al Gores.

Vice presidential candidate John Edwards says that he and his wife celebrate their wedding anniversary every year by having dinner at Wendy's.

I smell another Michael Moore documentary here.

Coincidentally, each year for his anniversary President Bush likes to take his wife to Chuck E Cheese's.

Vice presidential candidate John Edwards vowed this weekend to get the vote out in Florida this November.

After what happened four years ago, I'm thinking we should be encouraging them to keep the vote in.

Down in Florida, apparently, there's a new craze where young people dangle themselves from meat hooks.

Big deal. Here in New York City we've been dangling people from meat hooks here for years.

A man in Florida was arrested recently for hitting his girlfriend with his pet alligator.

When the police asked him why he attacked her with an alligator he said because his monkey wasn't handy.

The International Association of Athletics Federations has recommended that the U.S. 1,600-meter relay team that won gold in the 2000 Olympics be stripped of their medals because one member of the team tested positive for performance enhancing drugs.

Experts say this kind of thing could really hurt the image of track and field – if anybody cared.

Over in Austria, they've introduced a new stamp honoring California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.

They say it's the first Austrian stamp to feature a U.S. politician – and somebody having group sex.

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Martha Stewart is going to be sentenced on Friday.

Experts say she'll probably get between 10 and 16 months – with time off for tasteful behavior.

Howard Dean is going to speak on the first night of the Democratic National Convention later this month.

He's going to give the keynote rant.

A proposed constitutional amendment that would ban gay marriage was defeated in the Senate yesterday, although President Bush says he will continue to fight for it.

If he's not careful, this is the kind of thing that could cost him the gay vote.

Earlier today they announced the Emmy Award nominations.

I've been nominated for Best Performance by a Guy Who's Old Enough to be His Child's Grandfather.

President Bush's daughter Jenna has been hired to teach 4th grade at a Harlem elementary school.

That means she'll be teaching kids at a presidential reading level.

As a precaution, the city has already begun beefing up security at bars all over town.

President Bush said this week that it didn't matter that our intelligence reports on Iraq were flawed and that he'd still go to war if he had to do it all over again.

Of course the intelligence reports didn't matter – he didn't read them anyway.

Aides for John Kerry now say he never actually read the CIA's National Intelligence Estimate before voting to authorize the Iraq war.

I think that pretty much proves he's presidential material.

Officials here in New York are telling people to stay away from Madison Square Garden during the Republican National Convention next month

They're telling people to just pretend it's Shea Stadium.

There are rumors now that President Bush is going to drop Vice President Dick Cheney from the Republican ticket.

Actually, it's not that they're going drop him; it's just that they're having trouble remembering where they put him.

The Los Angeles Lakers traded Shaquille O'Neal to the Miami Heat yesterday.

Experts say with this trade, the Knicks have locked up last place for years.

A man at an airport in Minneapolis last week dropped his pants and exposed himself during a security check.

Officials say he was charged with indecent exposure – and then they let President Clinton go on his own recognizance.

Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey say they are planning to start a family.

They say they'll start trying in a year or two – just as soon as he can explain to her where babies come from.

Ronald Reagan Jr. is going to speak at the Democratic National Convention later this month.

Between George W. Bush and Ronald Reagan Jr. that means both conventions will have the son of a former president speaking – neither of whom has ever been elected president.

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One of Osama bin Laden's close associates surrendered to Saudi Arabian authorities yesterday, Khaled al-Harbi also known as “the crippled sheikh.”

Coincidentally, that's also the Secret Service's handle for Dick Cheney.

Here in New York City we're getting ready for the Republican National Convention next month.

So if you think there are a lot of rats in the city now – just you wait.

The federal government is sending stocks of “chem-pack” antidotes to New York for the Republican convention.

The antidote will protect people against chemical weapons – and street hot dogs.

President Bush's twin daughters Jenna and Barbara have joined his campaign for the first time.

Campaign officials say the girls will keep a low profile so they don't embarrass themselves – just like President Bush.

President Bush's daughter Jenna has applied to teach grade school in Harlem.

And if that works out, she'll go back and teach grade school to her dad.

Over in Athens they're poisoning 15,000 stray dogs before the Olympics next month.

Because, of course, nothing says “Welcome!” like 15,000 dead dogs.

Here in New York City the average price of an apartment is now over $1 million for the first time.

That makes Manhattan the most expensive place in New York – aside from Yankee Stadium.

Song Airlines is now offering passengers an elastic band and a squeezable ball for exercising in their seats.

As an added bonus, they'll also double as the in-flight snack.

The man Britney Spears married for 55 hours earlier this year now says she seduced him, proposed to him and then dumped him.

Britney's taking the high road; she won't even lip sync a response.

The Agriculture Department says they're going to redesign the Food Guide Pyramid, because most Americans are still too fat.

They're going to redesign it in a form most Americans can understand – so from now it'll be called the Food Guide Big Mac.

Former Chicago Bears head coach Mike Ditka says he may run for the U.S. Senate as a Republican.

So let's see: first the Republicans had George W. Bush, then Arnold Schwarzenegger, now Mike Ditka. No wonder the Democrats keep saying, “How are we ever going to beat these guys?”

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Celebrity Birthdays: Harrison Ford turns 62 today.

His girlfriend Calista Flockhart helped him celebrate by jumping out of a straw.

His cake had 62 candles – one for each pound Calista Flockhart weighs.

You can tell he's getting old because when they brought out his cake he got a bit confused and tried to blow out Calista Flockhart.

Earlier tonight in Houston they had the major league baseball All Star game.

I'm not sure how this happened, but the Mets dropped another game in the standings.

Roger Clemens started the game for the National League and his old enemy Mike Piazza started at catcher.

As a goodwill gesture before the game Clemens let Piazza take a bite of his rosin bag.

A new poll has John Kerry and John Edwards with a slight lead over President Bush and Vice President Cheney, 50 to 46 percent.

Experts say this is a statistical dead heat, since the difference is well within the margin of error by Florida voters.

The Bush Administration is now saying they have no plans to postpone the election this fall in case of terrorist attack.

They're saying no matter what happens they'll stick to the original schedule for stealing the election.

Former President Bill Clinton was in London yesterday doing a book signing.

We all know how much President Clinton enjoys going to London – especially during wartime.

The Pentagon said this week that military payroll records from President Bush's days in the National Guard were accidentally destroyed.

Apparently what happened was they accidentally got mixed up with a bunch of ballots for Al Gore.

I saw “Spider Man 2″ this weekend.

Not to give the movie away, but I had no idea Doc Ock was that close to the Bush family.

Good news: New York City has been rated the No. 1 city in America by Travel + Leisure magazine.

It's all thanks for Mayor Bloomberg's “No Horny Tourist Left Behind” policy.

You can tell the city is really excited about this. Today, I saw people all over giving me the “We're Number #1″ sign.

Over in Greece yesterday there was a huge blackout in Athens that left hundreds of thousands of people without power.

Experts said there haven't been that many foreigners stuck without power since the New York City blackout last summer.

Joe Gold, the founder of Gold's Gym, has died at the age of 82.

To commemorate his death, California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is lowering his pecs to half-mast.

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Last week Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry picked John Edwards as his running mate.

Kerry picked Edwards after he evaluated each candidate and determined that Edwards would bring the most to the relationship. It's the same way he picked his wife.

After the pick was announced, Vice President Dick Cheney called Edwards to welcome him to the race.

Cheney's aides say it was a short, profanity-laden talk.

Celebrity Birthdays: Jessica Simpson turned 24 this past weekend,

Her husband got together a whole bunch of her friends and family to help her count the candles on her cake.

Her husband got her “Hooked on Phonics.”

The cicadas have disappeared underground again, and won't return for another 17 years.

Scientists say we won't see that many annoying pests buzzing around here again until the Republican convention.

The Department of Homeland Security said last week that Al Qaeda may try to attack the United States this summer, but they don't know when or where or how.

Sounds like another “Mission Accomplished.”

You can tell the threat is serious – Michael Moore is already working on a movie about it.

Despite the warning, the terror threat level remains at yellow – meaning President Bush isn't actively ignoring intelligence memos yet.

The federal government has been discussing plans to postpone Election Day in November in the event of a terrorist attack.

Just in case this happens the Bush campaign has already devised a contingency plan to steal the election.

This weekend in New Jersey, descendants of Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton re-acted their famous duel on its 200th anniversary.

Coincidentally, this past weekend former President Clint re-enacted his relationship with Monica.

A South African man set the world record this past weekend for the 100-meter dash by a 100-year-old, breaking the old record by over five seconds.

The bad news is earlier today he tested positive for a banned substance – Lipitor.

Scientists studying data from the Cassini spacecraft said they've discovered that the rings of Saturn are filled with ice, rocks and mud.

Kind of like Cher.

A new study shows that 90% of cab drivers in New York City were born outside the United States.

The good news is that means 10% of New York cab drivers don't belong to Al Qaeda.

Rosie O'Donnell launched a cruise for gay families this week, a weeklong trip from New York to Florida and the Bahamas.

The cruise has all of the usual activities: lots of food, on board entertainment – and queer makeovers.

Donald Trump says that if he were president he would have caught Osama bin Laden by now.

He said not only would he find Osama, but he could also detain him in his hair.

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