Chumworth on the News – 2004

Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show

From July 2003 until October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN. I wrote and submitted about 10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used. But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get paid for it!

Dave is one of my top two all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It never, ever got old.

This section displays all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is). Use the archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.

Jokes highlighted in bold were used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention. You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by Jay and Carson and Jimmy) on my Late Night Jokes page.

Enjoy!

This weekend is the long Memorial Day holiday weekend.

It's the weekend where most Americans will take time to remember what it was like when they had a job to take a long weekend from.

The cicadas are swarming here in the eastern U.S.

These cicadas are brazen. Now they're demanding that the U.S. transfer power to them by June 30.

Good news: crime is down in New York City.

Here's how much crime has gone down: earlier today the Genovese crime family announced they're laying off 5,000 workers.

In fact they no longer call it organized crime; it's now “loosely coordinated mischief.”

The government announced this week that al Qaeda is planning a major attack on U.S. soil this summer.

You can tell the Bush Administration is taking this threat seriously; they're working around the clock to identify scapegoats.

Yesterday the FBI showed identified seven al Qaeda operatives they believe are planning to attack the U.S. this summer.

They said these people are considered armed, extremely dangerous – and driving a cab.

John Kerry now says he will accept the nomination at the Democratic convention in July, after saying he might wait until later in the summer.

First he was in favor of delaying his acceptance, now he's against it. It's just like his stance on Iraq.

Former Vice President Al Gore gave a speech yesterday in which he called for the immediate resignations of several key members of the Bush administration.

Witnesses said it was a very stirring speech and as soon as it was over, the crowd woke up and gave him a standing ovation.

A newly released audiotape shows that one night in 1973 President Nixon was too drunk to take a call from the British prime minister.

Ironically, one night in 1973 George W. Bush got drunk and called the British prime minister.

One time former President Clinton couldn't take a call from the British prime minister – because he had one too many interns.

The assault charges against Richard Simmons for slapping a man at an airport have been dropped.

It's a good thing because if he had gone to prison, Martha Stewart would've eaten him alive.

The Army says they're running short on bullets and they're going to need help from the private sector.

They've already asked P. Diddy for some spare ammo.

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts has announced they're going to start selling low-sugar, low-fat doughnuts later this year.

A low-sugar, low-fat doughnut. Don't they already have that? It's called a bagel.

The blockbuster movie “The Day After Tomorrow” opens Friday.

In the movie global warming causes all sorts of catastrophe and disaster around the world. It's the same thing the Democrats say will happen if President Bush is reelected.

Doctors in Kentucky are seeking permission to perform the first ever face transplant.

Apparently, face transplant technology has come a long way since they worked on Cher.

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Good news: crime is down in New York City.

Here's how much crime is down: earlier today I saw a guy on a street corner holding a sign that said “Will mug for food.”

Earlier this week President Bush outlined his five-step plan for transferring power in Iraq.

Which is unusual because most of his experience is with twelve step plans.

Good news: the Crips and Bloods street gangs in New Jersey have agreed to a truce.

This is already having a positive effect on other gangs. Today here in New York City the rats and squirrels agreed to a cease-fire.

I'm thinking this means I can wear blue again in New Jersey.

President Bush's daughters Barbara and Jenna recently posed for a photo shoot for Vogue magazine.

Luckily, they were able to get the red eye out – and then they did the photo shoot.

Experts say that membership in al Qaeda is growing and they now have over 18,000 terrorists around the world.

They have a pretty slick recruiting campaign: Join al Qaeda and when you die you'll get 77 virgins – and up to $25,000 for college tuition.

U.S. officials said yesterday that al Qaeda is planning a major attack on U.S. soil this summer.

FBI agents are already on lookout for any more Ben Affleck-Jennifer Lopez movies.

In case of emergency, they've already worked out a system where the president is immediately moved to a secure location from which he can continue to run all fundraising operations.

Over on FOX TV tonight they announced the winner of the big “American Idol” contest.

Aside from the title of being “American Idol” the winner will also get a recording contract – and, on June 30, she'll take over in Iraq.

Viewers got to choose between Fantasia and Diana – which is like the choice facing most tourists in Time Square.

In Boston this week the Archdiocese announced the closing of 65 parishes, due to financial trouble.

It's been an up and down couple of weeks for priests in Boston – first gay marriage becomes legal and then this.

Earlier this week Madonna kicked off her “Re-Invention” tour.

You can tell she's getting older. The only part of her body that popped out during the show was her teeth.

MTV announced this week that they're going to launch a new channel catering to gay viewers.

What they're going to do is find the newest, hottest videos by gay bands and singers – and never actually show them.

China has lent one of the Buddha's fingers to Hong Kong for public display.

Experts say this sort of thing is common – China giving Hong Kong the finger.

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It's Fleet Week here in New York City.

There are 4,000 sailors who came ashore for the week – and 5,000 rats.

There are so many groups of clean cut guys walking around together I'm telling you it's just like Massachusetts.

Everybody's showing their support for the troops. Down in Times Square the hookers are having a special for the sailors: for $10 they'll hoist your mizzenmast.

Good news: crime is down in New York City.

You can tell crime is down; the loan sharks are now offering no points and no closing costs.

Down in Texas President Bush fell of his bicycle this past weekend.

Luckily, the injuries were minor and he's already been able to resume a full schedule of fundraising activity.

Witnesses say it was an ugly fall. Apparently, he fell flat on his face – just like his Iraq policy.

Last night President Bush made a speech in which he outlined his plan for the U.S. to eventually get out of Iraq.

If there's one thing President Bush is good at, it's getting out of things.

He outlined a five step plan which includes: establishing security, rebuilding the country, handing over authority to a new government – no, I'm sorry, that's his plan for this country.

New polls show that President Bush's approval rating keeps dropping; it's now at its lowest level since he became president.

I believe the last president to have something go down on him this fast was ... Bill Clinton.

A baby in London has been conceived using sperm that was frozen 21 years ago.

Scientists say this is the oldest sperm that's been used to conceive a child – other than mine.

Over in Monaco at a Formula One race on Sunday the Jaguar team lost a $200,000 diamond that had been embedded in the front of a car to promote “Ocean's 12″ when it crashed during a race.

They say it was the biggest waste of a diamond since Ben Affleck got engaged to Jennifer Lopez.

The White House asked the media yesterday to show respect for the Bush's twin daughters, now that they're out of college.

For example, if you see one of the Bush daughters coming out of a bar and she flashes you – please, make sure you get her good side.

NASA said yesterday that U.S. spacesuits on the international space station have technical problems and that the crew would have to use Russian suits instead for a planned spacewalk.

Earlier tonight President Bush outlined a five-step plan for transitioning to the Russian suits.

A new study has found that bad hair is genetic.

My son Harry is screwed.

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Earlier tonight President Bush made a speech in which he outlined his plan to transfer power in Iraq.

The plan involves national elections followed by an orderly transition to new leadership. It's the same plan he's going to follow in November.

“Shrek 2″ was the number movie over the weekend.

It's about a giant green ogre who falls in love with a beautiful princess – it's basically the Janet Reno story.

Celebrity birthdays: Bob Dylan turns 63 today.

His family and friends are worried he may be getting senile – he's starting to make sense.

Down in Texas President Bush fell of his bicycle on Saturday.

Apparently he fell when he did something he always does – he turned too hard to the right.

Don't kid yourself; riding a bike can be dangerous. First John Kerry fell off his bike and now President Bush. That's why the only thing former President Bill Clinton rode were interns.

That's the difference between George Bush and Bill Clinton: Clinton was always better at staying on top of things.

Doctor's say he suffered only minor cuts and scrapes to his face and knees.

They say he'll be smirking smugly again in no time.

President Bush's daughter Jenna did not attend graduation ceremonies at the University of Texas over the weekend.

The good news she still got her diploma – and an honorable discharge from the National Guard.

An expert who testified for the prosecution in the Martha Stewart trial has been charged with perjury for lying on the witness stand.

When Martha's laywers heard that the prosecution had put a liar on the stand they said – “Damn! Why didn't we think of that?!”

John Kerry says that the United States should strive to be energy independent.

He says he's doing his part: his wife recently gave him his own Mobil credit card.

Sean “P. Diddy” Combs is getting his own political talk show on MTV.

It should be an exciting show. He says he's really going to come out with guns blazing.

McDonald's is now offering DVD rentals.

They cost $1 per day – and they come with your choice of dippin' sauce.

The prosecutors in the Michael Jackson case are saying he might flee the country if his bail is reduced.

I'm thinking sure, he'd have no problem just blending right in with the population.

An artist here in New York has created a piece of art by having sex with a collector on video for $20,000.

If you can't afford that, for $50 you can get a hooker in Times Square to have sex with you in a photo booth.

If that's art, then Paris Hilton is Picasso.

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A Nepalese Sherpa has set the new speed record for scaling Mt. Everest, 8 hours and 10 minutes.

I believe this is the fastest somebody has mounted something that large since – Bill Clinton.

A woman in Mexico gave birth to a 13-pound baby boy earlier this week.

The kid is so big they've skipped the breast feeding and gone straight to the Atkins Diet.

President Bush said yesterday that Iraqis are ready to assume power from the U.S.

He should know. They're about as qualified as he was to take over a country.

The Transit Authority here in New York has banned photography and videotaping on the subway.

You can still have sex on the subway – you just can't videotape it.

The cicadas are back here in the eastern U.S.

What happens is, every 17 years the males wake up and want to have sex – sound familiar ladies?

Earlier this week CBS announced their fall schedule.

CBS – or as we're now known, the CSI Broadcasting Network.

This is the week that all of the networks hold big press conferences to announce their new fall schedules.

Per usual, NBC got a bigger crowd than CBS.

Each of the networks announces their fall schedule at a location meant to appeal to their core audience.

CBS announced their schedule after the early bird special at Red Lobster.

A new poll shows that George Bush and John Kerry are even in Florida.

We all know what that means – Florida's in the bag for Bush.

John Kerry says that if he's elected president he'd pull all American troops out of Iraq by the end of his first term.

Some officials are worried that would be the messiest pull out since – Bill Clinton.

John Kerry announced his official campaign slogan this week “Let America Be America Again.”

His campaign aides said he wasn't too keen on it at first – he thought it was a little too specific.

Not to be outdone, President Bush announced his campaign slogan – “Let America Have Another Tax Cut.”

Bad news: scientists say that based on the current rate of consumption, there is only enough oil left on Earth to last 40 years.

In response, President Bush has renewed his administration's pledge to finding alternative sources of energy – that we can invade other countries for.

The FCC is going to require all pornographic email explicitly say “SEXUALLY EXPLICIT” in the subject line of the email.

This way people will be able to create filters to catch pornographic emails – and notify them as soon as they arrive.

CBS announced yesterday that Madonna will star in a prime time concert special next season.

It's going to be a two-hour, live concert – followed by a live hour of network spokesmen apologizing.

The network says they're not worried about airing the concert without a delay – since most of our audience is in bed by prime time.

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Over at Yankee Stadium they're no longer selling Cracker Jack.

So if you're going to a game at Yankee Stadium, you can spend that $50 on something else.

They had the big finale of “The Bachelor” on ABC last night. Jesse Palmer, a quarterback for the New York Giants, chose Jessica over Tara.

He didn't propose to her, but he did dump a bucket of Gatorade over her head.

New York City has been picked as a finalist for the 2012 Summer Olympic Games. They're planning to build an Olympic Village across the East River, where visitors from countries all over the world will live.

Don't we already have that? It's called Brooklyn.

Celebrity birthdays: Cher turns 58 today.

Scientists believe there are parts of her that may be even older than that.

The New York Jets have announced plans to build a new stadium here in Manahattan that would generate its own power using thousands of solar panels and wind turbines.

It's the same technology they use for Marlon Brando.

The cicadas are back here in the eastern U.S.

What happens is, for 17 years they're dormant, then they wake up and have a flurry of activity for a few months in the summer, and then they're dormant for another 17 years.

I'm telling you they're just like the Mets.

More bad news for Martha Stewart: the Consumer Product Safety Commission has recalled her brand of Everyday Safety Matches because they're a fire hazard.

If that's not bad enough, they're also saying that Martha knew ahead of time that they were flammable.

I'm thinking, they're matches. Aren't they supposed to be a fire hazard?

Song Airlines has announced that they're going to give free tickets to passengers who are nice to each other.

Naturally, they won't be bothering with this offer here in New York.

Mike Tyson has been granted a license to box in Missouri.

They say all he needs now is his rabies shot and he'll be cleared to fight.

A food company from California is recalling 5 million pounds of almonds because they may contain salmonella.

Health experts say they only other nuts they've seen carrying so much disease are here in Central Park.

Health officials say if you have to eat almonds, please, make sure to boil your Snickers first.

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New York City has been picked as a finalist for the 2012 Summer Olympic Games.

The big advantage to having the Olympics in New York would be that when the athletes arrive, their cab drivers will speak their language.

President Bush's twin daughters, Jenna and Barbara, will work for his re-election campaign after they graduate from college this month.

They'll be in charge of the Friday night keg parties.

A high school student in Texas had to go to the hospital after he drank a chemical from a school lab on a dare.

I'm telling you it's like I have a second son.

Congratulations to Randy Johnson of the Arizona Diamondbacks who pitched a perfect game last night against the Atlanta Braves.

It was amazing. The Braves couldn't get a hit or a walk or a man on base for nine innings. I'm telling you it was like I was watching the Mets.

Gas prices in the U.S. have hit an all-time high, with an average price of over $2 a gallon.

Officials say if the price of gas keeps going up it could have a real negative effect on the summer road rage season.

President Bush nominated Alan Greenspan to another four-year term as chairman of the Federal Reserve yesterday.

President Bush said he felt it was important to make the nomination now – you know, while he's still president.

ABC has announced a new reality show called “The Swap” in which two married couples will swap wives for 10 days.

Finally, Bill Clinton is getting his own TV show.

Fidel Castro's doctor says that he is in excellent health and can live to be 140.

Just to put it in perspective, that would be the equivalent of Dick Cheney living to Labor Day.

Martha Stewart's TV show has been suspended for the coming season because of her recent conviction.

They originally wanted to just drop the show, but Martha said, no, if you wrap it in cellophane and freeze it, it'll stay fresh for forever.

China has announced plans to build a manned space station by 2020.

They say the station will be permanently manned – and offer free delivery in certain areas.

ABC announced that Barbara Walters is going to be replaced as co-host of 20/20″.

This will be the first new face on “20/20″ since her last face-lift.

Over in Germany the police have released a 52-year-old man who slapped Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder in the face at a campaign rally.

They say he won't be prosecuted, but they've banned Richard Simmons from the country.

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New York City has been picked as a finalist for the 2012 Summer Olympic Games.

City officials say the Olympics would generate millions of dollars in additional revenue – and that's just for the hookers.

You can tell the city is going all out to win the games. City officials have promised that by 2012 they'll have all the dead bodies out of the East River.

In Massachusetts this week, gay marriage officially became legal.

Here's how crazy this is getting: earlier today Jennifer Lopez got engaged to a woman.

President Bush has renewed his call for a constitutional amendment banning gay marriages. He says that, “The sacred institution of marriage should not be redefined by a few activist judges.”

He said judges to stick to their traditional duties – like picking the president.

Over in Iraq CIA interrogators say that Saddam Hussein has not been talking and that he's obsessed with hygiene and careful food preparation.

They're saying if he doesn't start talking soon they going to take him to lunch at Red Lobster.

They say Saddam is depressed and angry and he still insists he's in charge.

No, wait, I'm sorry, that's Martha Stewart.

In Iraq the U.S. military has found shells that contains sarin nerve agent and mustard gas.

The U.S. says that the shells are pretty old and have probably held the chemicals for many years – just like Keith Richards.

Big doings here at CBS this week. The other night they had the Charles Manson movie and they also announced they're adding “CSI: New York” to the schedule.

It's all part of CBS' new “Murder and Mayhem Monday.”

Martha Stewart's brother is selling mementos from her childhood on eBay.

For example, you can buy the phone where she received her first ever piece of insider information.

Earlier this week John Kerry's daughter Alexandra appeared at the Cannes Film Festival wearing a shear black dress with no bra underneath.

Not to be outdone, the Bush twins got drunk and flashed a group of people outside a Loews' Theater.

Celebrity birthdays: Pope John Paul II turns 84 today.

I thought this was nice: they had a big party at the Vatican for him and a bunch of priests chipped in and hired the Vienna Boys Choir.

The International Olympic Committee has said that transsexuals will now be allowed to compete in the Olympics.

That means this summer in Athens they'll hold the first ever mixed singles tennis competition.

Now there's a whole new class of people who will ignore synchronized swimming.

McDonald's has developed a new French fry that's trans-fat-free fries, called Infinity Fries.

Not only that, but they say the new fries are environmentally friendly – they're made from recycled tires.

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I took mom to see “Troy” this weekend and she spent the whole time trying to look up Brad Pitt's skirt.

The world's second oldest woman has died at the age of 114 in Ohio.

That's too bad. Here at CBS we were hoping she'd make it through sweeps.

Starting today in Massachusetts gay marriage is officially legal.

They say so many gay couples are flocking there to get married, you can't get a queer makeover anywhere.

Here in New York the Le Parker Meridien hotel is now offering a $1,000 omelet, that's made of six eggs, a lobster, and 10 ounces of caviar.

And for an extra $2.50 it also comes with homefries and toast.

CBS has announced that the next season of “Everybody loves Raymond” will be the last.

I'm thinking finally CBS has a show good enough to take off the air!

A man who works for Hooters has been arrested for secretly videotaping women changing into their uniforms.

This is exactly the kind of thing that could give Hooters the reputation of being sleazy.

Talk show host Jerry Springer has been elected to be an at-large delegate from Ohio for the Democratic National Convention this summer.

I believe the is the first time the Democratic party has been represented by somebody so low class and sleazy since – Clinton.

Congratulations to actress Gwyneth Paltrow. Who gave birth to a baby girl last week, named Apple Blythe Alison Martin.

They had a hard time choosing a name: it was either that or Kumquat.

Celebrity Birthdays: Janet Jackson turned 38 this weekend.

Her family and friends threw her a small party. The FCC is reviewing the tapes now.

The celebration went well until there was some sort of birthday cake malfunction.

Nicole Brown Simpson's sister Denise Brown said in a recent interview that she's sure O.J. Simpson is responsible for her sister's murder.

This is the kind of thing that could tarnish O.J.'s reputation.

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(Jokes for the special 4:00 a.m.show on 5/14/04!)

Welcome to the Late Show or as we call it the 53rd Street Shelter. It's the only show on Broadway that comes with free soup and warm blankets.

Don't kid yourself; New York City is more dangerous at 4:00 a.m. Just before the show outside the theater I saw two gangs of rats having a knife fight.

When CBS first asked me to do a show in the middle of the night when everybody was asleep I thought, well, hell, isn't that why I left NBC?

Every morning outside the theater here, a homeless guy gives me the finger. Tonight as I was coming in I got flipped off by his overnight replacement.

My body doesn't know how to handle being up at this hour. It's that in-between time when the Viagra hasn't worn off yet but the Lipitor hasn't kicked in.

At my age at this time of night, I'll be glad if I can just make it through the show without having to urinate every 10 minutes.

The city is so different at this time of night. For example, the urine just smells fresher.

I tell you I haven't been out this late since the last time mom came to town.

For those of you new to New York City, 4:00 a.m. is Happy Hour time at most hookers.

Here's how late it is: on the way to the show tonight my cab driver had on one of those turbans that holds two cups coffee with a straw to drink from.

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Donald Rumsfeld made a surprise visit to Iraq today and is already back in the U.S.

As you can imagine, security was really tight in such a hostile environment – and it was tight in Iraq too.

Over on NBC earlier tonight they had the big series finale of “Frasier.”

Last week “Friends” went off the air, this week “Frasier” goes off the air. I'm telling you, it's more evidence that President Bush's economic policies are failing.

Jennifer Lopez is getting married again.

This time she's getting married to singer Marc Anthony. I believe next year she'll be starting in on the “B”s.

Naturally, there won't be any wedding rehearsal.

If you're thinking of getting her a wedding gift here's a tip: she doesn't need any more gravy boats.

Former president Bill Clinton's memoirs are going to be published this summer.

The movie rights have already been bought up – by the Spice Channel.

NBC announced this week that they've signed Tom Brokaw to a new contract that runs through 2014.

By the time the contract expires he'll be 74 – just old enough for CBS.

How about the gas prices these days? They're still going up.

Here's how expensive gas is getting: today Billy Joel wrecked his bike.

Maria Shriver is launching a line of jewelry featuring California's landmarks.

For example, she's selling a charm bracelet with miniature versions of the Golden Gate Bridge, the Hollywood sign and O.J.'s knife.

Pamela Anderson, who's originally from Canada, was sworn in as a U.S. citizen yesterday.

I'm thinking why not? Certain parts of her were already American made anyway.

Good news: the porn industry has begun filming again, after they halted production to stem an outbreak of HIV, several weeks earlier than expected.

I'm thinking porn actors are about the only workers in America who would be happy to go back to work earlier than expected.

Wal-Mart has been fined by the government for violating the Clean Water Act.

Well, you can't blame the employees, since the act is written in English.

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Bill Clinton has finished writing his memoirs just in time for a June publication.

I believe this is the first time he's pulled something out at the last minute since ... Monica.

Jennifer Lopez is getting married again.

I believe after this wedding she'll get her next wedding free.

Elizabeth Taylor offered her congratulations and a word of advice – pace yourself.

A woman in Virginia went into a Cracker Barrel restaurant and found a mouse in her soup.

Cracker Barrel said they were surprised because they had just had the soup sprayed.

Congressional investigators have found that at least 28 senior-level federal employees have bogus college diplomas.

Luckily, the only bogus diploma President Bush has is from his National Guard service.

Vice President Dick Cheney had his annual heart checkup this week.

The good news is they didn't detect an irregular heartbeat. The bad news is they didn't detect a regular heartbeat either.

He did really well on his stress test – they only had to restart his heart three times.

His doctors said with a proper diet and exercise there's no reason why he shouldn't live to see a second term – for John Kerry.

President Bush is on a tour this week defending his education policies.

The tour's going really well – he's already raised $10 million.

They say he's getting pretty big crowds – you know, all the children left behind.

John Kerry's wife Teresa Heinz Kerry released her personal tax information this week.

I though this was interesting: she claimed him as a dependent.

Jessica Simpson has announced plans for a summer tour of the U.S.

She said if it goes well they may even add some foreign dates – like New Mexico.

They say it'll be the biggest, dumbest concert event of the summer.

A woman in Pennsylvania gave birth to sextuplets earlier this week.

The mother and babies are doing well. The father is still being sedated.

Mexican Air Force pilots shot a video of unidentified objects in the sky last month.

What happened was, as soon as they landed they took the video directly across the border illegally.

McDonald's has introduced “GoActive!” meals for adults to encourage healthy eating.

The meals come with water, a salad, a book of exercise tips – and a picture of Dick Cheney.

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Over on NBC tonight they had the big series finale of “Frasier.”

The ending was pretty shocking. Frasier admits on his radio talk show that he's addicted to painkillers.

Kelsey Grammer has played Dr. Frasier Crane for 20 seasons, which means he's now played the same fictional character on TV longer than anybody – except for me.

Chicago Cubs outfielder Moises Alou says that he urinates on his hands to toughen them up.

They say it's really becoming a fad in baseball. Earlier today the manager of the Mets urinated on his players to toughen them up.

Jennifer Lopez is getting married again.

They say she's wearing the engagement ring on her middle finger – you know, since her ring finger is pretty sore from taking all those other engagement rings on and off.

President Bush said this week that he thinks Donald Rumsfeld is doing a “superb job.”

Big deal. He also things he was elected president.

A new poll show that President Bush's approval ratings are continuing to drop.

In fact, his approval ratings haven't been this low since the 2000 election.

John Kerry has accused President Bush of ignoring the rising costs of health care.

Kerry says if the government doesn't act soon, the average American will no longer be able to afford an extreme makeover.

Up in Michigan yesterday they produced the last car at Ford's oldest factory.

And today it became the last car from that factory to be recalled.

Mick Jagger's ex-wife Bianca says she's now homeless, due to a dispute with her landlord.

How ironic: Mick Jagger's ex-wife is now homeless, while Keith Richards looks like he's homeless.

Here in New York a juror in a recent trial has admitted to drinking vodka during the jury deliberations.

Court officials apologized and said that from now on, they won't let Diana Ross on a jury.

New York has passed a new law that allows dry-cleaners to get rid of any pieces of clothing that have not been claimed within six months.

It's the same policy the hookers have.

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Yesterday was Mother's Day.

This is my first Mother's Day as a father – which means every Mother's Day now I have two women I have to apologize to.

Celebrity Birthdays: Bill Joel turned 55 this weekend.

He's pretty excited about it because he's now old enough for the senior discount at Maaco.

Celebrity Birthdays: Mike Wallace turned 86 this weekend.

I think he's losing a little off his fastball. Last night on “60 Minutes” he broke the story of the Lindbergh baby kidnapping.

His family made him his favorite cake: chocolate with the Lipitor icing.

Last night here on CBS they had the big finale of “Survivor: All Stars” and the two finalists got engaged on live TV.

What happened was, one finalist proposed to the other, she accepted and then she got the $1 million. It's the same thing that happened when Donald Trump got engaged.

Chicago Cubs outfielder Moises Alou says that he soaks his hands in urine to toughen them up.

I'm telling you it's like I have a twin.

It's the same technique the street vendors here in New York use on the hot dogs.

Jennifer Lopez has reportedly been seen wearing an engagement ring from her current boyfriend.

Sources say they're looking at a fall postponement.

Sources say she's really serious about getting married this time; she's vowed to see it through to the divorce.

Sources say it's looking serious; they're already planning to make a crappy movie together.

The U.S. has denied a group of World War II veterans their request to parachute into Normandy next month to commemorate the 60th anniversary of the Allied invasion of France.

The problem is they've been called up for duty in Iraq.

Earlier tonight on CBS they had the big “Dick Van Dyke Show” reunion.

Did you see it? It was amazing. They recreated the original set: the apartment, the office – even Mary Tyler Moore's face.

Former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson has registered as a sex offender in Arizona, where he recently moved.

That's good because otherwise he might just blend in with the population.

Adidas is coming out with a new running shoe that costs $250.

They say the shoes come with computer and a motor that shapes the shoe according to conditions. It's the same technology they used in Cher.

A new study by the International Obesity Task Force finds that there are about 312 million obese people in the entire world.

Sure, they're called the United States.

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It's prom season here in North America.

I have bad memories of my prom. Mom gave me a strict curfew – not matter what happened, I had to absolutely, positively get her home by midnight.

A woman in California went into a store and bought a hot dog and found a bullet in it.

Apparently what happened was, she took a bite of her hot dog and bit into something hard and metallic – and then she bit into the bullet.

Officials at the store said this was highly unusual – usually you have a five-day waiting period before you can get the hot dogs with bullets.

People are saying that Donald Trump's marriage to Melania Knauss is at least a year away, if not longer.

Which mean at this point they're looking at no earlier than a Fall 2005 divorce.

Yesterday President Bush apologized for abuse of Iraqi prisoners by U.S. troops.

No word yet on whether he's going to apologize for the abuse to our economy.

There's a new audiotape from Osama bin Laden in which he offers a reward for killing top U.S. officials in Iraq.

They know it's a recent tape because he mentions how he's sorry to see “Friends” go off the air.

President Bush says he's not going to attend either one of his daughter's college graduations this month, so he doesn't create a distraction.

Just like with his national guard service.

President Bush's job approval ratings have declined again.

Here's how bad his poll numbers are these days: his new base of support is Fallujah.

There's a new poll out that shows that George Bush and John Kerry are almost dead even.

You can tell President Bush is feeling the heat: he's taking Jeb's calls again.

You can tell President Bush is feeling the heat: today he was out campaigning hard among the swing voters – the Supreme Court.

President Bush said yesterday that he has no plans to fire Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld over the abuse of Iraqi prisoners in Iraq.

He says Rumsfeld will have the job as long as he's president – which means he's safe until November.

I don't know, I think Rumsfeld's in trouble. Today I saw him on TV getting checked for fleas.

A construction worker in California is expected to make a full recovery after he was accidentally shot in the head six times with a nail gun.

They said it was touch and go there for a while – you know, until he was able to get a referral from his primary care physician.

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Hotels here in New York are now adding condoms to their hotel room mini-bars.

So if you're visiting New York and that Milky Way bar seems extra chewy – that ain't caramel.

Right now we're in the middle of prom season.

I remember my prom. In fact I can still picture the dress my date was wearing – since mom still has it.

In a New Zealand, an airline passenger found a live frog in her in-flight salad.

The airline says it was her fault – she didn't order her meal well done.

It was 50 years ago today that Roger Bannister became the first person run a mile in under four minutes.

That's not such a big deal these days. Earlier today I saw a guy run faster than that after he snatched an old lady's purse.

Earlier tonight over on NBC they had the big “Friends” finale.

They had a really shocking surprise at the end. Did you see it? Just before Rachel got in the cab to leave for Paris – her cab driver said something in English.

A judge here in New York has denied Martha Stewart's motion for a new trial.

When she heard the news, Martha said it was OK; with a little paint and some glue she could make the old trial look as good as new.

President Bush wants to spend an additional $25 billion in Iraq and Afghanistan.

And that's just for his campaign ads.

Major League Baseball is going to put ads for “Spider-Man 2″ on bases at major league parks this June.

That means Mets fans can finally look forward to seeing some men on base this summer.

Madonna is asking a court in Great Britain to prevent hikers from walking across her estate in Southern England.

That's strange; she's never seemed too picky about who was “hiking her fields” in the past.

Earlier this week a woman in London walked into a shop and bought more than 10,000 Mars candy bars.

They say she had a real sweet tooth – which was also her only tooth.

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Earlier today President Bush appeared on two different Arab television networks.

The spots were a big success – he raised about $10 million.

There was a total lunar eclipse yesterday.

For those who don't know, a lunar eclipse happens when there's a perfect alignment between the sun, the moon and Marlon Brando.

Former President Bill Clinton is working round the clock to complete his memoirs on time.

Apparently, he's got several interns helping him and he's riding them pretty hard.

Here's how hard he's working: when he's at his desk, he's got two interns between his legs.

Experts are saying that this year's presidential race could become the first $1 billion political campaign.

And you thought this show was a waste of money.

Over on NBC they showed this disaster movie about an earthquake which just about destroys California called “10.5″.

Or, as we call it in the rest of the country, the feel good movie of the year.

Not to be outdone, CBS is planning on airing it's own disaster movie – they've obtained the broadcast rights to “Gigli.”

In Iraq we're actually bringing back some of the former Baath Party members to run things.

It's all part of President Bush's “No Baath Party Member Left Behind” plan.

A new in the Journal of the American Medical Association shows that heavy marijuana use has increased among adults in the U.S. in recent years.

Interestingly, they say it started to increase right around the time George Bush became president.

Donald Trump is working on a new book called “Think Like a Billionaire” in which he'll offer advice on how to get rich.

Actually the full title is “Think Like a Billionaire, Comb Over Like a Clown.”

Former Vice President Al Gore is launching his own cable news network which will be aimed at young people.

He's says it'll be perfect for putting your kids to sleep.

Experts in France say they believe the warping that's been happening to the Mona Lisa may be caused by repair work done in previous centuries.

It's the same problem Joan Rivers had.

They've already requested help from American scientists because at the first sign of trouble the French scientists surrendered.

Playgirl is going to launch it's own cable network to offer adult programming for women.

I'm thinking great, now I'll never get mom away from the TV.

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Here in New York it's officially tourist season.

So remember, it's illegal to shoot a tourist – unless they meet the minimum height and weight requirements.

President Bush completed a two-day campaign bus-tour through Michigan and Ohio today.

His campaign bus is pretty tricked out. It's even got it's own name: Greyhound One.

He's pulling out all the stops to win over voters. Today at one rally he had Saddam Hussein performing on a leash.

Former President Bill Clinton says he is working round the clock to complete his memoirs on time.

He hasn't taken on a something this large since – Monica.

He says he barely has time to cheat on Hillary.

John Kerry's campaign is spending a record $25 million this month – and that's just for his cosmetic surgery.

Investigators in the Michael Jackson case have seized two pairs of his old underwear so they can try to extract DNA samples from it.

They say they're only doing this because there's no DNA left in him.

Britney Spears has a new tattoo on the back of her neck.

It's a series of Hebrew letters that spell out “skank.”

On “The Sopranos” this week they revealed one of the characters is gay.

What happened was the character was caught secretly marrying Liza Minelli.

What happened was the character was supposed to do a hit on a guy and instead he gave him a queer makeover.

In a New Zealand, an airline passenger found a live frog in her in-flight salad.

The airline explained it by saying the frog was just there to eat the flies.

Bad news: Experts say the cost of ice cream is going to go up this summer due to increases in the costs of dairy products.

President Bush said he's concerned about this and is considering ways to keep the costs down – like invading Wisconsin.

Down in Texas a man tried to kill his wife by drawing her a bubble bath, including candles and music, and then electrocuting her.

Apparently, she got suspicious when he offered to scrub her back with a toaster.

A city councilman in Rapid City, SD has announced that he's planning to undergo a sex-change operation.

John Kerry says he supports his right to be a man or a woman – taking both sides of the issue, per usual.

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Today I saw a sure sign that it's tourist season again here in New York City – a car with a German tourist strapped to the hood.

Starting today here in New York the price of a cab ride has officially gone up.

The basic charge for each ride will now include a $2 donation to the Hamas Presidential Election Fund.

Celebrity birthday: James Brown turns 70 today.

The bad news is he's now reached the mandatory retirement age for being the Secretary of Soul and Foreign Minister of Funk.

It was one year ago this past Saturday that President Bush landed in a fighter jet on an aircraft carrier and proclaimed the end of major combat in Iraq.

That flight really was a first – George Bush showing up for military duty.

I'm not sure this is a good idea but he's now trying to count it towards his service in the Alabama Air National Guard.

I'm not sure this is a good idea but he's now referring to it as his war service.

Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry fell off a bicycle this weekend, but was uninjured.

That reminds me of the time President Clinton once fell off a bike – no, I'm sorry, that was an intern.

“Jerry Springer – The Opera” is coming to Broadway next year.

They say it's your classic opera: lots of fat ladies screaming.

Congratulations to Smarty Jones who won the Kentucky Derby on Saturday.

Unfortunately, I bet on Dumbass Smith.

Investigators in the Michael Jackson case have seized two pairs of his underwear from which they hope to extract samples of his DNA.

They're not sure what to make of the preliminary test results: the DNA belongs to a middle aged black man.

The underwear are white Calvin Klein briefs.

Michael says the briefs were originally black but have lightened as the result of a rare disorder.

California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is in the Middle East this week, visiting Israel and Jordan.

This trip marks the first time since he became governor that he's had group sex outside the country.

Christina Aguilera has canceled her current tour, saying she has strained vocal cords.

She's under strict doctor's orders: no lip synching for three months.

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