Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show
From
July 2003 until
October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the
LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN.
I wrote and submitted about
10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used.
But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get
paid for it!
Dave is one of my top two
all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It
never, ever got old.
This section displays
all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is).
Use the
archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the
search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.
Jokes highlighted in
bold were
used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention.
You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by
Jay and
Carson and
Jimmy) on my
Late Night Jokes page.
Enjoy!
April 30, 2004.
Web Posted at: 11:10 am UTC
Yesterday in Washington President Bush and Vice President Cheney met with the September 11th commission in the Oval Office for over three hours.
Experts say this was a first – President Bush spending three consecutive hours in the Oval Office.
I believe this is the first time somebody's been probed so extensively in the Oval Office since – Bill Clinton.
Last weekend, two men were arrested in Central Park after they were found naked in a tree having sex.
Here's the strange part: they weren't arrested for being naked or having sex. They were arrested for smoking afterward.
P. Diddy is starring in a Broadway musical.
He says this is the biggest thing he's taken on since J Lo.'s ass.
Congratulations to Donald Trump who got engaged earlier this week to his girlfriend Melania Knauss.
I thought this was sweet. The way he proposed to her was he hid the engagement ring in his hair.
In the next season of The Apprentice the teams will compete to negotiate the best prenuptial agreement for him.
Donald Trump is going to get his own weekday radio show starting this summer.
It's going to be called “Trump and the Mad Dog.”
Out in California today Michael Jackson was in court to plead not guilty to charges of child molestation.
Things got a little awkward when the judge said, “Ms. Ross, how do you plead?”
Howard Dean is in talks to host his own talk show.
Actually, it'll be more like a “screaming rant show.”
Donald Trump is soon going to start selling a Donald Trump doll.
They say the doll is pretty realistic; it comes with come-overable hair.
Sad news: Bonnie Jo Halpin, the first Playboy Bunny, has died at the age of 65.
I thought this was touching: over at Hugh Hefner's place, he had the flag at half-mast – he only took half a dose of Viagra.
Jockeys in this weekend's Kentucky Derby will be allowed to wear advertisements on their uniforms.
Because, after all, nothing sells a product better than a big, fat horse's ass.
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April 29, 2004.
Web Posted at: 11:05 am UTC
It was such a beautiful spring day here in New York I took a walk through Central Park during lunch today. The sun was shining and the trees were full of birds singing – no, wait, I'm sorry. They were full of naked guys having sex.
Celebrity Birthdays: Jerry Seinfeld turns 49 today.
He spent the day with his young children reminiscing about the days when he had a number one rated TV show – no, wait, I'm sorry, that was how I spent my birthday.
Down there in Washington today President Bush and Vice President Cheney met with the September 11th commission at the White House.
Things got off to an awkward start when Cheney kept answering every question that began with “Mr. President... ”
You could tell they were well prepared. Every time Cheney was done answering a question, President Bush would respond with “What he said.”
Aides say it was a long, tense session. In fact, they had to stop three times just to restart Dick Cheney's heart.
During the questioning neither the President nor the Vice President was under oath and no transcript or recording of the proceedings was made. In addition, White House lawyers were present throughout.
Well, at least no one can accuse them of not being honest and forthcoming.
In fact, just to be extra safe, the entire session was conducted under the Cones of Silence.
P. Diddy is starring in a Broadway musical.
It's a classic revival of “The Diddy and I.”
This is the first time you're actually more like to get shot inside of a Broadway theater than outside.
They say P. Diddy is a pretty good actor. In fact, here's how good he's been: they're starting to talk metal detectors at the Tony Awards.
Congratulations to Donald Trump who got engaged earlier this week to his girlfriend Melania Knauss.
This will make the third marriage for him – but the first for his hair.
Here's a crazy story. Down in Texas the police handcuffed a 97-year-old woman and took her to jail for failing to pay a traffic ticket.
The good news is mom's just fine.
President Bush signed an executive order earlier this week designed to protect the country against bioterror attacks.
How it works is the order immediately awards a series of contracts to Halliburton.
Michael Jackson replaced his lawyers earlier this week, saying he wasn't getting their full attention.
That's odd; I wouldn't think of Michael Jackson as someone desperate for attention.
Jackson said that he's confident he will eventually be exonerated by a jury of his peers.
A jury of his peers. Well, it's good to hear he's still got a sense of humor about this whole thing.
Former Vice President Al Gore has donated more than $6 million to the Democratic party.
The only restriction he put on the money is that it be used in a boring fashion.
NASA is considering a plan to sterilize astronauts on long space flights in the future to deal with sexual urges.
I believe this plan was originally designed for use during the Clinton Administration.
California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger will be traveling to Israel this weekend.
His aides are busy now trying to figure out how to ask for body oil in Hebrew.
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April 28, 2004.
Web Posted at: 11:15 am UTC
Celebrity Birthdays: Saddam Hussein turns 67 today.
I thought this was nice: his daughters got him one of those mugs that say “World's Greatest Dictator.”
Over there in Australia they've given a medal for valor to a kangaroo who helped save the life of her owner.
Today President Bush questioned where the kangaroo actually earned the award.
Vice President Dick Cheney said earlier this week that John Kerry isn't fit to be president.
This coming from a guy who's not fit to walk up the stairs.
Down in Washington President Bush and Vice President Cheney spent today preparing for their meeting tomorrow with the September 11th commission.
Or as we call it, getting their stories straight.
Two men were arrested in Central Park after they were found naked in a tree having sex.
What happened was they were spotted by two naked men having sex under the tree.
It's good to hear David Gest is getting on with his life.
P. Diddy is getting mixed reviews for his Broadway debut earlier this week.
It's a classic revival of “The Sound of Gunshots”/”My Fair Homey”.
They say his acting is mediocre, but his gunplay is first rate.
Bill Clinton's office in Harlem had to be evacuated yesterday after a worker opened a piece of mail containing white powder.
The good news is he wasn't in the office yesterday. The bad news is Hillary now knows he wasn't in the office yesterday.
It's a good thing Clinton didn't open the mail himself or the white powder would have gotten all over the intern between his legs.
Former President Bill Clinton's memoir entitled “My Life” will finally be published this June.
Insiders say he wrote the book in longhand, which isn't surprising, since we know he loves hand jobs.
Some supporters of Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry believe the release of the Clinton memoirs was timed to overshadow Kerry's candidacy this fall.
President Clinton denied this saying the only person he plans to overshadow this fall is an intern.
Arnold Schwarzenegger's wife Maria Shriver says that he's more compassionate and considerate now than he's ever been.
He's now including her when he has group sex.
Britney Spears has sold over $30 million in merchandise during her current tour.
They say she's sold more merchandise than any female artist in the last five years – not counting Michael Jackson
Michael Jackson has fired his lawyers and hired Robert Blake's former defense attorney.
I'm not sure this was a great idea. His new lawyer is urging him to cut a deal and plead guilty to involuntary manslaughter charges.
I guess the last straw came when they kept getting Tito and Jermaine mixed up.
Over in Iraq they've approved a new flag; it's white with blue and yellow stripes and a blue crescent.
Many Iraqis are upset by the color choice. They say it's too close to the Mets colors.
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April 27, 2004.
Web Posted at: 11:25 am UTC
Two men were arrested in Central Park after they were found naked in a tree having sex.
I thought this was clever: when the police asked them why they were having sex in a tree, they said because the subway was too crowded.
Here's how old I am: I remember a time here in New York when only straight people were having sex in trees.
Michael Jackson has replaced his defense lawyers for his upcoming trial.
Apparently he wanted to give defense team a whole new face.
His new lawyer used to be Robert Blake's defense attorney.
That's a good idea – getting a lawyer with more experience defending white celebrities.
Bill Clinton's memoir “My Life” will finally be published this June.
You can tell it's going to be good: Hillary's already thrown her advance copy at Bill.
It's going to be the first presidential memoirs that are sold behind the counter in brown paper wrapping.
The release party is going to be held at “Hooters.”
Monday night was opening night for P. Diddy in the Broadway musical “A Raisin in the Sun.”
It was a bittersweet night for Diddy: at the end of the performance, he received a two curtain call standing ovation – and an indictment on weapons charges.
Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry is coming under fire from Republicans for throwing away ribbons in 1971 from his Vietnam War medals.
The only ribbons George Bush threw away in 1971 were Pabst Blue Ribbons.
John Kerry is now demanding that President Bush prove he fulfilled his National Guard commitment during the Vietnam War.
I think most people would just be happy if he could prove that he was elected president.
The U.S. government is introducing a redesigned $50 bill this year.
On the front they gave Ulysses S. Grant an extreme makeover and now he looks like Brad Pitt.
Ulysses S. Grant is still on the front, but on the back there's now a picture of Halliburton headquarters.
President Bush said this week that he supports a permanent ban on taxing Internet users.
He may not be able to get you a job, but he can guarantee you cheap access to online porn and gambling.
The Internet is a key part of the Bush economic plan – so people can look for jobs.
Over in Israel, Hamas has reportedly picked a new leader but they're keeping his name secret.
They're waiting to announce his name until they can notify the next of kin.
I'm not sure who's going to survive longer: the new leader of Hamas or the manager of the Mets.
The Centers for Disease Control has announced that there's a new strain of drug-resistant gonorrhea in the U.S.
Scientists are blaming this on a newer and more drug resistant breed of hookers.
Explorers are planning to search the peak of Turkey's Mount Ararat this summer for evidence of Noah's Ark.
They'll be looking for the telltale evidence that a large passenger ship was there: the remains of overweight people.
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April 26, 2004.
Web Posted at: 11:45 am UTC
Michael Jackson has fired his lawyers and hired Robert Blake's former defense attorney.
You know you're in trouble when Robert Blake's lawyers look better than your lawyers.
Singer Billy Joel was in his third car accident in two years this weekend.
Witnesses said he was uninjured, but pretty embarrassed – just like after his last album.
Down in Washington yesterday hundreds of thousands of abortion rights supporters gathered to protest against President Bush.
Experts in Washington say they haven't seen that many women angry with a president since Bill Clinton was in office.
Scientists at Penn State University have developed a way to generate electricity from human waste.
They say that with this technology, New York City subway cars may someday power themselves.
Art experts in France say the Mona Lisa is deteriorating.
In an effort to save it, they're going to consult with preservation experts from around the world – like Joan Rivers' plastic surgeon.
Last week the new Queen Mary 2, the world's largest ocean liner, arrived in New York from London for the first time. It's 1,132 feet long, weighs 151,400 tons and was guided into dock using a complex system of bow thrusters and rotating propeller pods.
It's the same system they use when Elton John comes to town.
The New York Giants traded for Eli Manning, the No. 1 pick in the NFL draft this past weekend, after he told the San Diego Chargers he wouldn't play for them.
Experts say he has all the physical skills but they're not sure how smart he is – since he wanted to live in New Jersey more than San Diego.
Apparently he wanted to play in a place where they had a chance to win now – or at least a place with a lot of cheap hookers.
Martha Stewart's younger brother says he's going to sell some of her childhood mementos on eBay.
You could tell he's her brother because when he was first asked about it, he lied.
Among the things he's selling is the kitchen table where Martha created her first cheap piece of crap.
Out there in California they're considering lowering the voting age to 14.
Coincidentally, that's the same age cutoff that Michael Jackson has.
They're thinking about letting kids vote because the adults there obviously don't know what they're doing.
Cosmetics queen Estee Lauder died this weekend at age 97.
I thought this was touching: over on “The View” today, in memory of Estee Lauder, Barbara Walters had her face at half-mast.
They're not sure exactly how old she was, but they were able to estimate it by counting the rings around Barbara Walters' neck.
The Governor of Massachusetts says that he will not allow gay couples that live outside the state to get married when gay marriage becomes legal there next month.
That's right; no gays from outside Massachusetts will be able to get married there. Are you listening, Janet Reno?
A new national survey shows that gas prices, which are already at record highs, are still rising.
The gas prices here in New York have been rising faster than the Yankees ERA.
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April 15, 2004.
Web Posted at: 11:00 am UTC
Thursday – They had the finale of “The Apprentice” over there on NBC earlier tonight,
They finally revealed the job title for the winner: Chief Combover Officer.
Thursday – Today is April 15th, the day income taxes are due.
Every year I do mom's taxes and every year I have the same problem – I never know how to report her gambling losses.
I took my son Harry along with me to my accountant's office and he said “I'm sorry, Mr. Letterman but you can't declare your grandchild as a dependent.”
The IRS says that the average taxpayer this year had to spend 42 minutes more than last year doing his or her taxes.
The good news is most people had plenty of extra time this year for their taxes – since they're unemployed.
There's a new audio tape out that was reportedly made by Osama bin Laden.
Experts believe it was made recently because he mentions he's looking forward to the big two hour finale of “The Apprentice.”
In the tape bin Laden offers a truce to European countries if they stop attacking Muslims.
In response, Great Britain strongly rejected negotiating with terrorists, Germany said they would never give in to terrorist demands and France said… uh, well… they said “We're thinking, we're thinking!”
CIA Director George Tenet testified before the September 11th commission this week that we're still making the same dumb mistakes.
I'm thinking well, sure, because we've still got the same dumb president.
Disney's new blockbuster movie “The Alamo” is out and it's a big bust.
Disney says if they had to do it all over again, they wouldn't have cast Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez.
I'm not sure this is a good idea but Disney is already talking sequel.
Good news: Over in Iraq they've opened their first new car dealership just outside of Baghdad.
This weekend they're having the big Suicide Bomber Blowout sale.
They have some pretty good deals. For example, each new car comes with a trunkload of free explosives.
Former President Bill Clinton is going to publish his memoirs this summer.
He's already got an extensive book tour planned; he'll be doing signings at Hooters throughout the country.
Congratulations to Barry Bonds of the San Francisco Giants who moved into third place on the all time home run list with his 661 home run Tuesday night.
I thought this was nice: to celebrate, all of his teammates got together and gave him a year's supply of clean urine samples.
Los Angeles police are investigating new allegations of child abuse against Michael Jackson from the 1980s.
Police say they have some doubts about the accusations – since the alleged victim reported being assaulted by a black man.
The alleged victim reportedly had recently recovered a repressed memory of the incident.
That's understandable – most people can't remember what Michael Jackson looked like in the 1980s.
McDonald's has introduced “Go Active!” meals for grown-ups to encourage healthier eating.
Each meal comes with a salad, a bottle of water and a court order to stay at least 500 feet away from any McDonald's.
Rapper Lil' Kim was charged this week with conspiracy to commit perjury, making false statements and obstructing justice in connection with a 2001 shooting.
They say she's now considering changing her name to Lil' Martha.
A group in Washington, D.C. is planning to build the Counter Clinton Library, in order to rebut the claims made by the official Clinton Presidential Library.
What they're going to do is provide documentation about the actual weights of his girlfriends
Martha Stewart's lawyers say they have uncovered more lies on a jury form by one of the jurors who convicted her last month.
Not only is she demanding a new trial, but she also wants to hire the guy.
Britney Spears is in negotiations to star in her own reality show about her life on tour.
It's tentatively titled “Behind the Skank.”
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April 14, 2004.
Web Posted at: 11:15 am UTC
President Bush held a press conference last night in which he vowed not to pull American troops out of Iraq so long as he's president.
Which means the troops should be home by Thanksgiving.
President Bush also said he has a plan for winning the war on terror.
Apparently it involves a series of tax cuts for the rich.
Celebrity Birthdays: Pete Rose turns 63 today.
He celebrated with a few friends and family at the cock fights.
President Bush's 2003 income tax return was released yesterday.
Under occupation he listed “Fundraiser in Chief”.
I'm not sure he should have done this, but he deducted the war in Iraq as a business expense.
President Bush reported income of over $800,000 last year.
According to his definition, that makes him middle class.
Vice President Cheney's 2003 tax return was also released yesterday.
He reported income of $1.3 million, and itemized deductions of over $450,000 – and those were just his medical expenses.
Los Angeles police are investigating new allegations of child abuse against Michael Jackson from the 1980s.
Yeah – good luck trying to positively identify Michael today.
Apparently the alleged victim was able to pick out one of Michael's former noses from a lineup.
A new poll found that 84 percent of the people here in New York City rate it as an excellent place to visit.
That's because 84 percent of New Yorkers make their living by ripping off tourists.
Barbara Walters has signed a $6 million book deal to write her memoirs.
They had to offer her that much to get her to promise not to write any details about having sex with Geraldo.
Donald Trump has negotiated a new deal with NBC for starring on “The Apprentice.”
It's a pretty good deal. He doubled his salary – and his hair now gets its own driver.
Britney Spears is in negotiations to star in her own reality show about her life on tour.
The show would chronicle everything that she does on the road from the rehearsals to the bus trips to the drunken marriages.
The show would chronicle all the hard work that goes into lip-syncing a concert.
A man who carried 32 razor blades on a flight to Dallas last year was sentenced yesterday to five years in prison.
I say if carrying around 32 razor blades is a crime, then call me a criminal.
A new poll shows that Americans are now more concerned about the war in Iraq than they are about the economy.
Well, at least President Bush has succeeded in taking everyone's minds off their economic problems.
Former Sen. Bob Dole is writing a memoir about his military service during World War II.
Naturally, he'll be writing it in shorthand.
The publisher got him pretty cheap – he even comes with his own pen.
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April 13, 2004.
Web Posted at: 11:10 am UTC
Earlier tonight President Bush held a nationally televised press conference.
I thought he seemed defensive when he kept pointing outing out that he wasn't under oath.
He seemed a little testy with the press – like when he threatened to invade Helen Thomas.
President Bush insists that there was nothing in the August 2001 briefing entitled “bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States” that hinted terrorist attacks were coming.
Well, I think we can all excuse him for missing out on such subtle signals.
President Bush continues to insist he did everything possible to prevent the September 11th attacks.
In fact he said that if he had to do it all over again, he'd do the exact same thing – give tax cuts to the rich.
Vice President Dick Cheney is in China this week.
Today he met with some of China's top heart specialists.
President Bush was surprised by this news. He insisted there was nothing in his daily briefing entitled “Cheney Going to China” to indicate Vice President Cheney was going to China.
Down there in Antarctica engineers have almost completed a 1,000-mile highway to the South Pole.
They say it's a typical highway – 1,000 miles long and only three rest stops.
According to a new Federal Aviation Administration rule, most commercial airlines must now have defibrillators on board to help passengers who suffer heart attacks.
Because you never know when Dick Cheney will be flying.
The price of coffee is going up due to an increase in the cost of coffee beans.
Here's how bad it's getting: President Bush is talking about invading Colombia.
Who here knew Halliburton was in the coffee business?
Congratulations to Barry Bonds of the San Francisco Giants for hitting his 660th career home run yesterday to tie Willie Mays for third on the all time list.
Gee. I hope this doesn't give him a big head.
California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger says he saved a man from drowning in Hawaii last week.
I'm thinking if he wants to save something that's struggling, how about the California economy?
Bad news: Victoria's Secret says they're dropping their nationally televised fashion show this year.
Now I'll just have to go to Plan B – imagine the women of “The View” in their underwear.
A national survey shows that gas prices are at an all-time high again.
It's gotten so bad today I caught mom siphoning gas from my car.
Gas prices have gotten so bad Mobil is now offering zero percent financing.
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April 12, 2004.
Web Posted at: 9:00 am UTC
Yesterday was Easter Sunday.
At my house we do the same thing every Easter Sunday. Instead of hiding eggs, we hide mom's liquor.
At a church in Pennsylvania yesterday many people were upset when performers reenacted Jesus' crucifixion by beating an Easter bunny.
Church officials said this is the last time they'll ever hire Richard Simmons.
Celebrity Birthdays: I turn 57 today
I thought this was nice. My son Harry got me a mug that says “World's Oldest Dad.”
To celebrate, I treated my whole family to dinner using my AARP discount.
My mom made my favorite cake: chocolate with the Lipitor icing.
Good news here in New York: last week was the first week in more than a decade that there wasn't a single shooting in the Bronx.
That means the only people getting killed in the Bronx last week were the Yankees.
A new poll shows that the race between John Kerry and George Bush is almost a dead heat.
Here's how close the race is right now: they say it's even tighter than John Kerry's face.
President Bush said this weekend that an intelligence memo he read shortly before September 11, 2001 contained no “actionable intelligence” that would have helped to prevent the attacks.
Well, you know right off the bat that's a lie – President Bush reading something.
In fact he said that in the entire time he's been president, there hasn't been a single shred of intelligence in his whole administration.
Republican Senator John McCain has denied rumors that he may be John Kerry's running mate.
He said he's going to vote for him, but he's not going to run with him.
A new study finds that surgeons who spend a lot of time playing video games make fewer mistakes during surgery.
So, just to be safe, I've sent my heart surgeon an X-box.
A new study of 30,000 men finds that frequent sexual activity reduces the chance of developing prostate cancer.
However, they did find that it increases your chance of getting impeached.
I'm thinking that's bad news for me – but good news for Bill Clinton.
A British man sold all his possessions and bet the money on roulette over the weekend in Las Vegas and won, doubling his money.
And right now, my mom's down at the OTB betting her Social Security check.
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April 6, 2004.
Web Posted at: 11:35 am UTC
“Hellboy” was the number one movie over the weekend.
Coincidentally, that was originally going to be the name of this show.
I took mom to see the new movie “Hellboy” over the weekend and halfway through she asked me “David, when do they blame the Jews?”
According to a new book Jackie Kennedy said that President Kennedy wasn't satisfying in bed and that he always went too fast and fell asleep.
This is exciting. Now I can tell people that I'm “presidential” in bed.
An Arizona judge has ruled that Diana Ross does not have to go back to jail for a drunk driving conviction.
That just leaves one famous diva in legal trouble – Michael Jackson.
Senator Ted Kennedy said this week that Iraq has become President Bush's Vietnam.
He said the Iraq War is the biggest, bloated waste of government money since, well, him.
Sad news: President Clinton's boyhood home in Arkansas has been destroyed by a fire.
It was pretty bad. They say the only thing left was a couple of tires.
Congratulations to Jennfier Lopez's mother who won $2.4 million at a slot machine in Atlantic City this past weekend.
This is the biggest thing she's produced since J. Lo's ass.
Wal-Mart officials admitted this that they had accidentally double- or triple-billed more than 800,000 credit cards last week.
Well, I think we know now how Wal-Mart is able to advertise such low, low prices every day.
John Kerry's wife Teresa has designed a scarf for his campaign.
They say the scarf really captures what John Kerry is all about – it's reversible.
Up there on the international space station, astronauts have been hearing a strange drumlike noise for several months that they can't identify.
Now here's the really annoying part – they haven't been able to make it happen when their mechanic is listening.
Ozzy Osbourne has filed a complaint against his doctor for overprescribing addictive drugs to him.
Today, Rush Limbaugh filed a complaint against his doctor for underprescribing painkillers to him.
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April 5, 2004.
Web Posted at: 11:25 am UTC
Well, we have a big holiday weekend coming up with Good Friday and Easter.
Or, as Mel Gibson calls it, the most wonderful time of the year.
Condoleeza Rice is testifying this week under oath before the September 11th commission.
Earlier today she admitted that the Bush Administration had advance warning of and probably could have prevented “Gigli.”
President Bush has already broken his fundraising goal of $170 million for his reelection campaign.
In fact, it's going so well that economists say the Bush reelection campaign is now the best performing sector of the economy.
He's raised more than $182 million, far more than any president in history.
And that includes the presidents who've actually been elected.
Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry has told his staff that he wants to find his vice presidential running mate within eight weeks.
Coincidentally, President Bush has told his staff to find Dick Cheney within eight weeks.
Richard Nixon's former aide John Dean says that the Bush Administration is the most corrupt, unethical and undemocratic one ever.
President Bush denied these charges through a Halliburton spokesman.
A TV anchorwoman has accused California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger's of squeezing her breast during an interview.
This guy's looking more and more like presidential material each day.
Arnold claims that she egged him on by using sex as part of her interview technique – just like Mike Wallace.
Michael Jackson has claimed a $1 million land conservation tax break on his Neverland Ranch.
Apparently he claimed his bed was a wetlands area.
Ozzy Osbourne's daughter Kelly has entered drug rehab for an addiction to painkillers.
Ozzy didn't have a comment – or, at least, nothing that anybody could understand.
Down in Texas they're no longer going to allow prisoners to receive sexually explicit material in the mail.
Things just keep getting worse for Martha Stewart.
Al Gore's deal to buy a cable TV channel for $70 million fell through last week when one of partners pulled out at the last minute.
This is the second time he's been screwed by somebody pulling out of a large deal.
Jennifer Lopez is going to be on “Inside the Actors Studio”.
If it feels cold in here, that's because hell has officially frozen over.
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April 2, 2004.
Web Posted at: 11:00 am UTC
Don't forget: Daylight Savings Time begins this Sunday morning at 2:00am, when we turn our clocks ahead one hour.
I do the same thing every year to remember to change my clock before I go to bed. What I do is, I turn the clock ahead when mom goes out clubbing.
So for all you tourists, beware if a hooker offers you a good rate at 2:00 this Sunday morning.
Good news: there were over 300,000 new U.S. jobs added in March, the most in almost four years.
They're all in the military, but hey.
How about those high gas prices?
Out of habit, Halliburton issued an apology.
Here's how high they are: they're almost at Halliburton levels.
Gas prices are so high, in order to save some money, I've decided to take my road rage and convert it to train range.
Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry had surgery this week to repair his shoulder.
It was good timing because he was due to bring his face in for its 10,000-smile tune up.
Democratic Presidential nominee John Kerry has challenged President Bush to a series of debates.
President Bush said he would agree to debate only if he doesn't have to be under oath.
I thought this was clever. President Bush responded by making a counter offer: he challenged John Kerry to a series fundraising contests.
New York City cabs are now accepting credit cards.
Here's a tip for you out-of-towners coming to New York. If you're going to take a cab from the airport to downtown, you'll need your gold card.
Here's what they accept: Visa, Mastercard and Al Qaeda Express
Michael Jackson wants to go on a concert tour of Africa to help raise money to fight AIDS.
That's amazing. He wants to go to some places where they've never seen a white man.
This summer, for the first time in three years, the Statue of Liberty will reopen to the public.
For the last few summers the Statue of Liberty has been empty and quiet and the only people there were the workers – just like Shea Stadium.
A new poll shows that the majority of Americans think President Bush didn't do enough to protect us against terrorism before the September 11 attacks.
President Bush said if he listened to public opinion about every issue, he wouldn't have been president in the first place.
The actors who provide the voices on “The Simpsons” are on strike over a contract dispute.
Today Sponge Bob Square Pants went out on a sympathy strike.
Here in Manhattan Donald Trump put a 13-foot tall sign on Trump Tower that says, “You're Fired!”
Apparently, it doesn't have anything to do with “The Apprentice” – it's for when President Bush and the Republican National Convention come to town this summer.
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April 1, 2004.
Web Posted at: 10:45 am UTC
Happy April Fool's Day!
I'm not sure I should've done this, but I played an April Fools joke on my son Harry this morning – I switched his diapers with mine.
California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger has taken a course on preventing sexual harassment.
Things got a little awkward when they kept using him as an example.
New York City cabs are now accepting credit cards.
I'm thinking it's about time since the hookers have been accepting them for years.
Five women in Los Angeles are suing Hooters for being secretly videotaped while they were undressing when they applied for jobs.
If they're not careful, this is kind of thing that could give Hooters the reputation of being sleazy.
Starbucks said this week that they eventually want to have 25,000 stores worldwide.
Intelligence officials say this is apparently some new type of Al Qaeda tactic.
Britney Spears is in talks to hold a performance in China this year.
The negotiations are on hold while they try to find the Chinese word for “skank”.
Apparently she would make it a quick trip; she'd get in, perform and get out in a matter of hours – just like her wedding.
The grand jury in California investigating child molestation allegations against Michael Jackson has been meeting in secret this week to avoid media coverage.
What they're doing is, every few hours they're moving this big body to a new, secret location so nobody can find them. It's the same thing the Bush Administration does with Dick Cheney.
President Bush's father lashed out at his son's critics earlier this week.
He said everyone should be more civil to President Bush, even if you're going to vote for John Kerry in November – like him.
Martha Stewart's lawyers have asked for a new trial, arguing that one juror lied on the jury selection questionnaire.
And if there's anybody who knows about lying, it's Martha Stewart.
John Kerry said on MTV this week that he's fascinated by Hip-Hop.
Well, that's natural – we all know how much he loves to flip-flop.
Good news: scientists have mapped the entire genetic sequence of the common rat, which they say will help to fight disease.
That's great, because it there's one thing we need here in New York, it's healthier rats.
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