Chumworth on the News – 2004

Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show

From July 2003 until October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN. I wrote and submitted about 10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used. But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get paid for it!

Dave is one of my top two all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It never, ever got old.

This section displays all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is). Use the archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.

Jokes highlighted in bold were used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention. You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by Jay and Carson and Jimmy) on my Late Night Jokes page.

Enjoy!

Celebrity Birthdays: Former Vice President Al Gore turns 56 today.

I thought this was cute – his kids gave him a mug that says “World's Greatest President.”

Former Vice President Al Gore has bought a cable TV station.

He says it will be like C-SPAN – only less exciting.

Presidential candidate John Kerry had surgery today to repair a slight tear in his shoulder.

The surgery went well but he's under strict doctor's orders for the next six weeks: no snowboarding, no biking – and no flip-flopping on issues.

Al Franken launched his new liberal radio talk show today to compete with Rush Limbaugh.

Here's how serious he is about competing with Rush Limbaugh – he's already addicted to prescription painkillers.

Saddam Hussein has hired a French lawyer to defend him at his upcoming war crimes trial.

This lawyer is pretty good – he's already negotiated a deal where Saddam just has to pay a fine to the FCC.

I'm thinking that's a good move – next to a French lawyer, Saddam might actually look sympathetic.

Down there in Washington National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice testified under oath before the September 11th commission.

We're already learning a lot from her testimony. Today she admitted she was the one who advised Janet Jackson to expose her breast during the Super Bowl.

Michael Jackson was in Washington, D.C. yesterday to visit Congress.

He was hoping to find that a few children had actually been left behind.

The Congressional Black Caucus turned down Michael's request to meet.

Why would they meet with him? He's not black.

A new poll shows that President Bush is leading John Kerry among likely voters.

Here's how confident President Bush is about getting reelected – he's letting anyone on his staff testify under oath before the September 11th commission.

Donald Trump's Atlantic City casinos may be on the verge of going bankrupt.

Apparently the only thing in worse shape than Donald Trump's casinos is his hair.

Veteran BBC broadcaster Alistair Cooke died this week at age 95 here in New York.

I thought this was nice: Mike Wallace said today that Alistair Cooke was like the little brother he never had.

Officials here in New York say that the Statue of Liberty will reopen to the pubic this summer for the first time in three years.

Officials expect that it will be the most trafficked tourist site in New York – other than the hookers.

Visitors to the Statue of Liberty will only be allowed into the pedestal, not her skirt or crown.

So if you want get under Lady Liberty's skirt – you'll have to pick her up in Times Square.

Bad news: OPEC has agreed to cut oil production, which will raise gas prices even higher.

It sounds like Halliburton is screwing us again.

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A new poll shows that President Bush is leading John Kerry among likely voters.

Here's how confident President Bush is now about winning – he's starting to brag about his military service again.

Saddam Hussein now has a lawyer to defend him.

He says he's not real thrilled about working with such a despicable character – but Saddam says if he has to have a lawyer, fine.

Over in Iraq now U.S. officials say that Saddam Hussein isn't cooperating with his interrogators.

They say he's now refusing to testify under oath before the September 11th commission.

Presidential candidate John Kerry is going to have surgery this week to repair a slight tear in his shoulder.

Apparently what happened was, he injured himself when he flip-flopped on the Iraq war.

P. Diddy has agreed to star in a Broadway play, “A Raisin in the Sun.”

The producers say it'll be a done deal just as soon as the gun permits come through.

Good news: President Bush has reached his goal of raising $170 million for his reelection campaign.

That makes one economic goal he's reached since he's been president.

Yesterday President Bush formally welcomed seven new countries into NATO: Bulgaria, Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania, Romania, Slovakia and Slovenia – no wait, I'm sorry, those are where my last seven cab drivers were from.

Vice President Dick Cheney gave a speech yesterday in which he strongly criticized John Kerry for saying he would raise taxes as president.

They say it was such an impassioned speech that Cheney had to stop three times just to have his heart restarted.

A new report here in New York says that apartment prices in Manhattan are twice as expensive and 20% smaller than they were ten years ago.

Just like the hot dogs at Yankee Stadium.

The Russian space agency has sold another flight to the International Space Station to a rich tourist for $20 million.

When he heard about the deal President Bush said “You can sell that?”

Here at CBS they're developing a new reality series to find the next Martha Stewart.

The winner will be the one who makes the most creative use of insider information.

Celebrity news: Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz have ended their three-year relationship.

Sources say it was an amicable split – their publicists are still on speaking terms.

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“Scooby-Doo 2″ was the top movie this past weekend.

I took Mom to see this and half-way through the movie she turned to me and asked “David, where's Jesus?”

The Yankees are in Japan this week to open their season against the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

Here's how excited George Steinbrenner is about it – he's learned how to say “How much for your best pitcher?” in Japanese.

NASA successfully launched an experimental jet over the weekend that reached a speed of 5,000 mph.

They said the test went almost flawlessly – except for the layover in Pittsburgh.

The jet used a new type of engine that combines hot air flowing through the engine with fuel to provide propulsion.

That's right; a new type of engine that runs on hot air and chemicals – just like Rush Limbaugh.

Old friend Richard Simmons was arrested last week for smacking a 250-pound wrestler in an airport in Phoenix.

The good news is he won't be facing any jail time; the bad news is he won't be out of the hospital for several weeks.

The BBC reported that the U.S. military was led to Saddam Hussein last December by Mohammed Ibrahim Omar al-Musslit, one of Saddam's former aides.

They say he was one of Saddam's closest aides and he was known as “the fat man” – in other words, he was kind of like Dick Cheney.

A French lawyer has been chosen to represent Saddam Husseim in his upcoming war crimes trial.

This guy sounds pretty sharp. He says the first thing he's going to try is to get the trial moved to California.

Good news: a new study finds that New York City has one of the lowest rates of traffic fatalities in the country.

That means that you're now less likely to get run over by a cab than you are to be killed in a dispute with a hooker.

Federal officials say they're going to reopen the Statue of Liberty to tourists again.

It's been closed since September 11, 2001 – that means it's been over two years since tourists have been able to go to the top and urinate.

McDonald's is launching its own line of children's clothing.

The clothes come in all sizes: small, medium, large and super-sized.

Two college-aged daughters of Minnesota Attorney General Mike Hatch were arrested over the weekend for being intoxicated and fighting with police.

It's already had an effect on his political career – people are now saying he's presidential material.

Here in New York Mayor Bloomberg has unveiled a plan to build a new stadium for the Jets over on the West Side of Manahattan.

I'm thinking this could be just the thing to finally revitalize New York City.

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Burger King has announced they're going to improve the Whopper.

What they're going to do is take it apart piece by piece and improve it and make it better and then reintroduce it to the public – just like Fox did with Greta Van Susteren.

NASA announced yesterday that the Mars rovers have found evidence that Mars used to be covered with a shallow layer of salty water.

That's amazing. Mars used to be covered with a thin layer of brine – just like Ted Kennedy.

Down in Washington this week officials from the Bush and Clinton Administrations have been testifying before a federal commission investigating the September 11 attacks.

When I turned on the TV and saw Clinton officials testifying before Congress again – I thought I'd died and gone to heaven.

Donald Trump is trying to trademark the phrase “You're Fired!” so that anybody who uses it would have to pay him a royalty.

I'm thinking he's going to make killing on this come November.

Whitney Houston has checked herself out of rehab after just five days of treatment.

Apparently she wasn't sure that she needed to be there so she just asked herself, “What would Diana do?”

Director Kevin Smith said in a recent interview that he once got an offer to direct a movie in which Michael Jackson would play a man who turns into a car that gets driven by a boy.

Naturally, he was going to have a stick shift.

Madonna has announced that she's going on tour again this summer.

Here's how old Madonna is getting – the tour is being sponsored by Metamucil.

She's so old the only pyrotechnics at her shows now are her menopausal hot flashes.

Here in New York they're going to announce plans to build a new stadium for the Jets on the West Side of Manhattan.

As part of the plan the city and state would pay $600 million in improvements to infrastructure like roads, bridges – and hookers.

Bad news: the government is now saying that Medicare will go broke by 2019.

President Bush says he already has a plan to deal with this – it involves a series of tax cuts for the rich.

I'm thinking what the hell do I care – I'll be dead by then.

The recording industry announced another 500 lawsuits this week against people for illegally downloading music.

They're really serious about this – mom may actually have to pay this time.

Gas prices in the U.S. have hit an all time high.

They've been shooting up ever since Halliburton joined OPEC.

There's a new web browser out that you can talk to tell to it what web sites you want to visit.

I'm so excited I've already started to practice saying “Paris Hilton sex video”.

A county in Oregon has banned all marriages until the state decides whether gay marriages will be allowed.

Finally, a position that I can support.

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You can really tell that spring is here because the days are getting longer.

For example, it was already light out by the time mom came home this morning.

Britney Spears injured her knee and had to cancel her tour.

Here's how bad the injury is: she may also have to cancel that drunken 55-hour marriage she had planned for this weekend.

China said they're planning to send of a rover to the moon in 2012.

They say they've already got their top scientists working right now on stealing the necessary technology from the U.S.

They say the rover will take pictures, report seismological activity – and offer one-hour dry cleaning services.

The Opportunity rover on Mars had trouble getting over a small hill yesterday, as its wheels slipped in the sand.

NASA scientists say if they had to do it all over again, they would've gone for the all wheel drive model.

President Bush's former counter-terrorism czar Dick Clarke has accused the president of ignoring his warnings about the possibility of an attack by al Qaeda before September 11.

President Bush is pretty angry about these accusations. In fact, they say he's so mad he may not watch Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve show this year.

Down in Washington today a federal panel began public hearings into the September 11 attacks.

The panel wants to know what President Bush knew and when Dick Cheney explained it to him.

A California judge has ruled that Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger does not have to appear in court to answer questions from a woman who has accused him of sexual harassment.

The judge said there was no point in having Arnold testify in court – since nobody would understand what the hell he was saying anyway.

A new study finds that a low-calorie diet can help extend life.

Great. Now we'll never get rid of Joan Rivers.

Two travel agents here in New York have been charged with promoting prostitution by organizing sex tours to Southeast Asia.

That's outrageous – they should be promoting prostitution right here in the U.S.!

New papers recently found show that President Eisenhower had secretly named a government made up of powerful businessmen to run the country in case of nuclear attack.

This just shows how different things are today – the president no longer waits for a nuclear attack to let powerful businessmen run the country.

A new study has found that moderate drinking can help people with high blood pressure.

You know what that means – party at Dick Cheney's house!

Ever since hearing this mom has started referring to her margaritas as her “medicine”.

So the next time you order that double cheeseburger – be sure to get a chaser with it.

Police in Miami say a 5-year-old boy sprinkled marijuana on his friend's food at the school cafeteria.

Police say it took them a while to identify what the substance was – and then they found the marijuana on top.

School officials became suspicious when they saw the kids actually enjoying their food.

Newly released documents show that the FBI kept John Kerry under surveillance 30 years ago when he was a critic of the Vietnam War.

I'm thinking, shouldn't they have kept the guy who was AWOL under surveillance instead?

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The first day of Spring was this past weekend.

Forecasters say it won't be long now until the ground is thawed enough to bury a body again.

President Bush held his first official campaign rally this weekend in Florida.

His advisers say it was a successful rally – he's already ahead in the vote count.

“Dawn of the Dead” was the No.1 movie over the weekend, knocking “The Passion of the Christ” from the top spot.

Actually, these movies have a lot in common: for example, they both blame the Jews.

Last week in Dallas, police shot and killed a 300-pound gorilla after he escaped from the zoo and injured four people.

They say it was a wild scene, with this wild animal running around terrorizing everyone – kind of like when Courtney Love was here last week.

Over in Pakistan the military says they've found a series of underground tunnels that high value al Qaeda targets may have used to escape.

Obviously, the Bush Administration is very interested in these tunnels – you know, for after the election.

Paris Hilton was thrown from a horse last week during the production of the new season of “The Simple Life”.

Her doctors say she'll be back to making sex videos in no time.

They say she hasn't gone down like that since she made that sex video.

Veterans Stadium in Philadelphia, the former home of the Phillies and Eagles, was imploded yesterday.

They say we won't see another implosion at a major league park like that until the Mets start playing again.

Mel Gibson says he planning on making a movie about Chanukah.

I thought this was odd: he wouldn't say much about the movie other than it ends up with the Jews demanding to put Jesus on trial.

Prosecutors in the Michael Jackson case are going to ask the boy who accused him of molestation in 1993 to testify before a grand jury.

They're hoping he can identify one of Michael's former faces.

Good news: life expectancy in the U.S. has increased to 77.4 years, a record high.

That means now I might live to see my son eat solid food.

Red Lobster restaurants announced they're stopping their all-you-can-eat promotions, because people are eating too much.

Let this be a lesson – never underestimate just what a nation of fat-asses we are.

A former counter-terrorism expert in the Bush Administration says that Condoleezza Rice had never heard of al Qaeda before he told her about them in 2001.

That's ridiculous. If there was anybody in the administration who's never heard of Al Qaeda, it's George Bush.

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Happy St. Patrick's Day!

In honor of St. Patrick's Day over at the Hello Deli they're running a special on the green pastrami.

Here in New York we had a late winter snowstorm yesterday.

The city did a great job staying ahead of the storm. Road crews were out all night sanding down the hookers.

John Kerry says some foreign leaders have told him they want him to be president.

President Bush responded by saying if you're going to make claims like that you need to either back it up with facts – or blame your intelligence people.

Bill Clinton's boyhood home is up for sale on eBay.

The house is pretty special. It's got the room where Bill first played “president and intern”.

The CIA has released a video taken of Osama bin Laden by a drone airplane in August 2000.

In the video, there's a tall man in a white robe and what he's doing is, he's having sex with Prais Hilton.

Whitney Houston has gone into drug rehab. Her husband Bobby Brown is in jail right now on a drunk driving charge.

I believe next month, it's her turn to go to jail and his turn to go to rehab.

Veterinarians in China are showing sex-education videos to a female panda in hopes that she'll mate with a male panda.

If that doesn't work they say they're going to have her listen to the Howard Stern Show.

Toshiba has developed the world's smallest hard disk drive.

To give you an idea how small it is, it's smaller and more powerful than the one they put in Al Gore.

MTV is developing a new reality show starring Jessica Simpson's younger sister Ashlee.

Here's the scary part: they say she's the dumb one.

Attorney General John Ashcroft had his gallbladder removed last week.

I'm thinking between him and Dick Cheney you almost have one whole, healthy person.

Courtney Love showed up late to a court hearing on drug charges yesterday in Los Angeles and acted crazy; she kept interrupting the judge and hiring and firing her lawyer.

Now, to add insult to injury, she's also being charged with impersonating Dina Ross.

Martha Stewart's daughter Alexis says that she fainted when the guilty verdict was announced in her mother's trial.

Luckily, Martha was quickly able to revive her by whipping up some homemade smelling salts.

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Martha Stewart resigned from the board of directors of her company yesterday.

What happened was Martha offered the board her resignation – and her recipe for spicy shrimp gumbo.

Democratic presidential candidate Al Sharpton announced yesterday that he's endorsing John Kerry for president.

Now he's just hoping to be named the secretary of soul and foreign minister of funk.

Spain's newly elected Prime Minister announced that he's going to pull all Spanish troops out of Iraq.

I believe this is the quickest pull out by a world leader since – Clinton.

A senior al Qaeda leader nicknamed “the poet” was killed in a shootout in Saudi Arabia yesterday.

President Bush was pretty happy to hear about this – since we all know how he feels about the arts.

Andy Rooney said he got over 30,000 letters and e-mails after he recently called Mel Gibson a wacko on “60 Minutes”.

In fact, it's the biggest response CBS has ever gotten for a show that didn't involve a wardrobe malfunction.

Celebrity news: Whitney Houston has gone into drug rehab.

Sounds like somebody's gearing up for a new album.

Well, they always said she was the next Diana Ross.

An Indiana man who was laid off from his job last week won $89 million in the Powerball lottery yesterday.

He said the money hasn't changed him – except that George Bush is starting to make a lot more sense.

President Bush actually called to congratulate him and said “See? My economic plan is working!”

Scientists say that they've been able to grow hair on bald mice by implanting stem cells, which could lead to a cure for baldness.

Here's how excited I am about this news: I've already canceled my membership in the Hair Club for Men.

Britney Spears is developing her own line of perfumes and cosmetics.

She says one application of her products will be guaranteed to last through your entire 55-hour marriage or your money back.

Tonya Harding has signed to play in a minor league hockey game.

If you think hockey is too violent now – just wait!

Congratulations to Pope John Paul II who celebrated his 25th anniversary as pope this week.

Not only is the pope responsible for enforcing a strict set of religious values, but he's also a head of state – kind of like George Bush.

Mel Gibson threw him a big party, complete with a Jesus impersonator jumping out of a cake.

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Well, March Madness is here. I've already filled out my brackets.

I've got the East beating the South – Kerry over Bush.

Martha Stewart was found guilty last week of all the charges against her.

She's still free until her sentencing in June. In the meantime, she's been asked to surrender her passport – and her recipe for zesty lemon-glazed veal chops.

Spring is almost here and the same thing happens in my family every year about this time: mom gambles away her rent money on Wrestlemania.

Good news from the war on terror: the government says they've launched a new offensive and it's only a matter of time before they finally nab public enemy number one – Howard Stern.

Last week Congress voted to increase the amount the FCC can fine a network for broadcasting indecent or offensive material to $500,000 per incident.

Which means that tonight's show has already cost CBS millions.

According to intelligence sources Osama bin Laden is preparing to move from Pakistan to Afghanistan.

Sources say he's put his current place up for sale on isoldmycave.com.

He decided this was a good time to move – you know, because the interest rates are so low.

He wants to move somewhere where they're more agreeable to gay marriage.

NASA scientists announced today that they've discovered a 10th planet in the solar system.

They say it's the largest object to be found circling the sun since Anna Nicole Smith was discovered.

John Kerry has challenged President Bush to a series of monthly debates.

President Bush has accepted and is already busy preparing for the debates; he's currently up to June.

Over in Spain, they voted out the ruling right wing conservative party yesterday in favor of the liberal left wing party.

You know, just like we're going to do here in November.

Here in New York city officials say that in the past year they've seized over 5,000 wild animals including doves, chinchillas, monkeys and tarantulas.

And that's just what they found in Donald Trump's hair.

Congratulations to Chris Rock who's been voted the funniest man in America by Entertainment Weekly magazine.

I didn't even make the top ten. However, I'm happy to announce that I did make the list of the funniest looking men in America.

The EPA says that the chemicals released into the air when a bag of microwave popcorn is opened can cause a rare lung disease.

Health officials say we shouldn't worry about it though; most of us will be dead from obesity long before the lung disease kicks in.

O.J. Simpson is being sued for stealing satellite TV.

Poor O.J. doesn't understand all the fuss. He says it's not like he killed somebody or something.

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Now that John Kerry has locked up the Democratic nomination, President Bush is already gearing up for election this fall.

Earlier today his placed his vote order with his brother Jeb.

Now that John Kerry has locked up the Democratic nomination, President Bush has started campaigning for real.

Earlier today he was shaking hands out in front of the Supreme Court.

The jury in the Martha Stewart case have begun their deliberations.

Reportedly they're having trouble reaching a consensus on whether it's 15 or 20 minutes a pound when you're roasting a turkey.

Michael Jackson is reportedly undergoing treatment for an addiction to painkillers.

Apparently his problems all started when he hired Rush Limbaugh's old housekeeper.

He's hired a Honduras healer to detoxify him.

His family's just glad he's in the hands of a trained medical professional.

The U.S. Mint has produced 180 million nickels with a new design.

The new nickels have been given a more modern look. Thomas Jefferson is still on the front but on the back there's a picture of George Bush awarding a contract to Halliburton.

UPN has announced that they're going forward with their plans for a reality show based on the Amish called “Amish in the City.”

Not to be outdone, Fox TV is developing their own Amish reality show called “My Big Fat Obnoxious Amish Fiance”.

Elton John is denying reports that he's going to marry his longtime partner.

The rumors got started when he caught one of the bouquets at Rosie's wedding.

Up there in Alaska the Iditarod dog sled race gets underway this weekend.

This is the only major sporting event in the country involving a team of dogs – aside from Mets games.

Sad news: Marge Schott, the former owner of the Cincinnati Reds, died this week at age 75.

Pete Rose was really upset by this news – he'd bet 80 and the over.

The new season of “The Sopranos” debuts this Sunday night.

I don't want to give away what happens this season, but it involves the mob's first gay marriage.

A new survey finds that 20 percent of Americans are binge drinkers.

That means 1 out 5 of you people are drunk right now.

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John Kerry locked up the Democratic nomination for president yesterday by winning 9 of the 10 Super Tuesday contests.

I believe the only race he lost was for Best Picture.

President Bush called John Kerry last night to congratulate him on his victory.

He also asked for some tips on winning an election fair and square.

John Edwards dropped out of the presidential race earlier today.

You know what that means – Dennis Kucinich is now just a heartbeat away from the nomination.

Dennis Kucinich had another bad showing yesterday.

John Kerry felt so bad for Dennis Kucinich that he's promised him the job as the president's loser brother if he's elected.

Howard Dean won the Vermont primary yesterday.

Too bad we won't get to see how he reacts when he actually wins.

Hillary Clinton has endorsed John Kerry for President.

You know, because of the gay marriage thing.

John Kerry says he'd like to be the country's second black president, after Bill Clinton.

That's interesting because most people don't want Bill Clinton's seconds.

He said if he can't have that he'd settled for being the country's second president to get some action in the Oval Office.

The judge in the Martha Stewart trial gave the case to the jury today.

Before that the judge gave the jury their instructions – and Martha gave them her recipe for crispy duck l'orange.

Down there in Arkansas they've opened the Bill Clinton Presidential Library.

They've got a whole wing dedicated to his little black books.

No word yet on when the Hillary Clinton Co-Presidential Library is going to open.

NASA announced yesterday that the Mars rovers have found hard evidence that the planet was once covered in water.

Scientists say this proves that long ago Mars was once warm and hospitable and possibly teeming with life – kind of like Andy Rooney.

Dick Clark is being sued for age discrimination.

What happened was one of his old faces is suing him.

McDonald's has announced that they're phasing out Supersize meals.

Company officials say that they've known the Supersized meal was doomed ever since Star Jones got her stomach stapled.

Coca-Cola has admitted that its Dasani bottled water is actually tap water from London.

Coke says it's nothing to worry about; each bottle of Dansai will now come with its own tetanus shot.

The mayor of a small town here in New York has been arrested for performing weddings for gay couples.

As soon as my mom heard that gay men in New York were getting married, she called me and said “David, is there something you want to tell me?!”

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Today is Super Tuesday, with 10 states holding primaries.

That means for Dennis Kucinich tomorrow will be Crappy Wednesday.

It looks like John Kerry is going to be the Democratic nominee.

Here's how confident John Kerry is about getting the nomination – he's started voting in the Senate again.

A lot of people think Kerry can get more votes than President Bush this fall.

Sure he can get more votes. But can he win the election?

Today I saw a sure sign that spring is almost here.

The rats are starting to shed their winter coats.

The Martha Stewart trial wrapped up today and is ready to be given to the jury.

When Martha heard they were wrapping up the trial, she quickly stenciled some wrapping paper using a bunch of legal briefs.

You can tell Martha is feeling pretty confident about her chances. She's no longer getting her story straight with her broker after she sells stock.

During their closing arguments, Martha Stewart's defense lawyers called the prosecution's case a “house of cards”.

And Martha said “Not only that, but they're not even homemade cards.”

Michael Jackson was seen shopping over the weekend at a Wal-Mart wearing a ski mask.

It's good to see that he's not letting his recent legal troubles keep him from leading a normal life.

Michael explained it by saying he was just having a bad face day.

Scientists in France say they've detected light from a galaxy that's over 13 billion light-years from Earth.

Scientists say that it's so far away the light from it is about as bright as the Mets chances this season.

Celebrity Birthdays: Today would have been Dr. Suess's 100th birthday.

Today President Bush called him one of the greatest medical minds our country has ever produced.

Bad news here in New York: several members of the Yankees have been accused of receiving steroids and other performance enhancing drugs.

The good news is nobody's accusing any of the Mets of using any kind of performance enhancing drugs.

NASA announced today that one of the Mars rovers has found signs of water on Mars.

The Bush Administration is pretty excited about this – finally something for Halliburton to exploit.

They say the NASA scientists were really excited when the data started coming in.

In fact they say the scientists haven't been this excited since the last Stars Wars movie came out.

Former President of Haiti Jean-Bertrand Aristide is now saying he was forced out of office in a coup d'etat led by the United States.

Administration officials say that's nonsense and if you want to see a real coup d'etat, just wait until November.

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The Academy Awards were held last night over on ABC.

Out of habit, this morning CBS apologized to anyone who was offended.

“The Lord of the Rings” was the big winner at the Academy Awards last night, winning 11 awards.

The makers of the film say they're happy but now they just need to focus on winning in November.

The “Lord of the Rings” was such a big winner John Kerry is now considering picking a Hobbit as his running mate.

I though it was nice to see Saddam Hussein pick up an Oscar for Best Director.

Did you see that Peter Jackson, with that crazy hair and unkempt beard?

He was so disheveled looking that after they gave him the Oscar they had an Army medic come out and check him for fleas.

The “Lord of the Rings” crew also won for Best Costume Design, Best Visual Effects, Best Makeup – and that was just for their work on Joan Rivers.

The whole show was pretty tame. The only excitement came when Peter Jackson's belly popped out of his shirt.

Sean Penn won for Best Actor. He's had a pretty big year. First he makes the U.S. list of the 55 Most Wanted Iraqis and now this.

It's like Spring here in New York

It was such a Spring-like day today that I saw a squirrel in Central Park airing out his nuts.

Yesterday was February 29th – Leap Day.

It's a special day because it comes only once every four years – kind of like George Bush's plan for fixing the economy.

Bobby Brown was sentenced to 60 days in jail for violating his probation after he hit his wife Whitney Houston.

The good news is this time he gets to upgrade to a bigger cell because he's a frequent offender.

The president of Haiti resigned over the weekend and fled the country.

Apparently, the economy there is in shambles, there are accusations of fraud and corruption against the government and the opposition is close to taking over the capital – no, wait, I'm sorry, that's this country.

What happened was, the president there resigned because the economy is in shambles, there are accusations of fraud and corruption against the government and the opposition is close to taking over the capital – are you listening, George Bush?

President Bush was very involved in finding a country that would take an exiled leader – you know, in case he needs to flee.

Closing arguments in the Martha Stewart trial started today.

Martha's feeling so confident about her chances that she's started berating her stockbroker's assistant again.

The Iraqi Governing Council has drafted a new constitution for Iraq.

It's not going to well, though. They're already fighting over whether to include a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage.

Michael Jackson was seen shopping over the weekend in a Wal-Mart wearing a ski mask.

Naturally, he stuck out like a sore thumb – a thin person in Wal-Mart.

Turns out he was just shopping for some illegal immigrants to clean his house.

What happened was somebody called the police after he left and the police stopped Michael's car and made him take the mask off to identify himself.

When the police saw who he was they said “OK, Miss Ross, you're free to go.”

The Democratic presidential candidates had a debate last night here in New York.

You could tell John Kerry is feeling pretty confident. Tonight, instead of making opening comments, he just listed his Oscar picks.

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