Chumworth on the News – 2004

Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show

From July 2003 until October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN. I wrote and submitted about 10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used. But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get paid for it!

Dave is one of my top two all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It never, ever got old.

This section displays all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is). Use the archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.

Jokes highlighted in bold were used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention. You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by Jay and Carson and Jimmy) on my Late Night Jokes page.

Enjoy!

Celebrity birthdays: Chelsea Clinton turns 24 today.

Bill treated her to a nice birthday dinner at Hooters.

Celebrity birthdays: Ralph Nader turns 70 today.

I thought this was nice, President Bush sent him a birthday present – a campaign donation.

Celebrity birthdays: Elizabeth Taylor turns 72 today.

It's amazing. She doesn't look like a 72 year-old woman – more like two 36 year-olds.

Good news for Martha Stewart: the judge in her trial threw out the most serious charge against her today, saying the prosecution didn't have sufficient evidence to prove the charge.

Martha said if they had only asked her, she could've showed them how to get more out of the evidence with some water and corn starch.

The Academy Awards are coming up this weekend. Are you like me, do you enjoy watching the pre-Oscar fashion show?

I love seeing all the crazy outfits and breast implants and facelifts – and that's just Joan Rivers.

According to new statistics from the Census Bureau New York City residents have the longest average commute in the country.

So if you're visiting New York and your hooker seems stressed-out remember – she probably had a bad commute.

Mike Tyson says he's broke and on the brink of starving to death.

He says he wants to fight again just so he can nibble on somebody's ear.

Mel Gibson's movie “The Passion of the Christ” made over $20 million in its first day of release.

In fact, it's doing so well they're already talking sequel.

There was a break in the Martha Stewart trial today so she decided to go see “The Passion of the Christ”.

Friends say that after she saw all the suffering Jesus goes through in the movie she said “Please, tell me about it!”

Kevin Smith, the director of “Jersey Girl,” the upcoming Ben Affleck-Jennifer Lopez movie says that he cut out a scene from the movie where their characters get married.

He said he had a real hard time even shooting the scene. They kept trying to postpone it.

Congratulations to Rosie O'Donnell and her girlfriend who got married yesterday in San Francisco.

I believe this makes her the first celebrity to be in a gay marriage since – Liza Minelli.

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Boy, am I glad you people are here tonight. Last night's audience was downright mean and nasty.

They were the kind of people who would go to see “The Passion of the Christ” and root for the Roman soldiers.

It's cold here in New York again. Did you feel it today?

It's the chill in the air between Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter.

Earlier tonight there was another debate among the Democratic Presidential candidates in Los Angeles.

I think John Kerry is getting kind of cocky. He kept referring to Dennis Kucinich as “the honorable Representative from Loserville.”

Here's how confident John Kerry is: after the debate he went cruising for chicks with Kobe Bryant.

Mel Gibson's movie “The Passion of the Christ” opened yesterday.

People say it's a shocking and graphic movie not fit for children. It's so shocking and graphic in fact that now they're talking about Mel Gibson directing the “Sex in the City” movie.

The judge in the Martha Stewart trial is almost ready to give the case to the jury.

When she heard that Martha said “Hold on – let me make a nice gift bag for it.”

Congratulations to Rosie O'Donnell and her girlfriend who got married earlier today in San Francisco.

This is surprising because I always thought even I would get married before Rosie O'Donnell.

Astronomers are saying that we came very close to a massive asteroid striking the Earth last month.

Here's how close President Bush came to taking action – he was just minutes away from awarding the contracts to Halliburton.

The comic strip “Doonesbury” is offering $10,000 to anyone who can show that President Bush served in the National Guard.

And they're offering another $10,000 to anyone who can show that Dick Cheny is still alive.

The Opportunity rover on Mars has been drilling into a rock in order to determine its composition.

Scientists are pretty excited about this. In fact there hasn't been a drilling that's gotten this much attention since the Paris Hilton video.

A new study finds that half of people aged 15 to 24 in the U.S. will get a sexually transmitted disease by age 25.

And that's just from taking part in reality TV programs.

NASA has announced that due to lingering safety concerns they won't resume space shuttle missions this year,

This means the space shuttle won't fly again until the Kerry Administration.

Esperanza Marrero, the oldest person in New York, passed away Tuesday at the age of 111.

Here's how old she was: she remembered when cab drivers in New York spoke English.

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Today is Ash Wednesday.

I've already decided what I'm giving up for Lent – having sex on camera with Paris Hilton.

Mel Gibson's new movie “The Passion of the Christ” opened today.

This movie has lots of people up in arms. They say it's graphic, it's disturbing, it's not for kids – no, wait, that's the Paris Hilton sex video.

Martha Stewart's defense team rested their case in her trial today.

When she heard they were resting their case, she quickly crocheted them a lovely pillow for it.

Her lawyers presented a 15-minute defense today.

Then Martha presented her 15-minute lamb chops.

Martha didn't testify in her own defense – but she did make a tasty quiche.

Things are looking pretty good for John Kerry. He won three more primaries yesterday, in Idaho, Utah and Hawaii.

Here's how confident John Kerry is about winning – he's supporting the war in Iraq again.

Here's how confident John Kerry is about winning – he's thinking about having a real affair with an intern.

Dennis Kucinich finished second behind John Kerry in the Hawaii primary yesterday.

He's really starting to generate some Gary Bauer-like momentum.

The oldest man in the United States died on Monday at the age of 114.

He family says he was just glad he lived to see the “Sex in the City” finale.

New York Yankees star Jason Giambi showed up to spring training noticeably thinner than he looked last year and some people say it's because he stopped using steroids.

He said that's not true and he just followed Dr. Phil's Seven Keys to Weight Loss.

Osama bin Laden's top deputy has released a new audiotape in which he threatens more terrorist attacks on the U.S.

Intelligence officials say the tape is recent because he gave “The Passion of the Christ” two thumbs up.

Here in New York they're saying that Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter aren't getting along.

Here's how bad it is. their personal assistants aren't talking to each other.

ESPN is making a movie about the life of Pete Rose.

It's going to be called “The Passion of the Trifecta”.

Pete is already betting it's going to be a big hit.

The Pentagon has announced that it's investigating allegations of fraud against Halliburton for overcharging the government for fuel delivered to Iraq.

Today President Bush reacted by saying these kinds of investigations are bad for society and the he would support a constitutional amendment to ban them.

The Bush Administration is pretty concerned about this – when he heard the news Dick Cheney had another heart attack.

Eminem is suing Apple Computer for illegally using one of his songs in a commercial.

First they're getting sued by Eminem and today things got worse for Apple -they're being sued by Little Debbie.

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You can really tell it's almost springtime here in New York.

Today I was walking through Central Park and I could see the dead bodies starting to peak through the snow.

Here in New York they're now saying that there might be trouble between third baseman Alex Rodriguez and shortstop Derek Jeter.

The Yankees say they're not worried; people who hate each other work together all the time – like Bill and Hillary.

George Bush has sent 50 Marines to the capital of Haiti to protect the American Embassy from rebel forces.

If that goes well, he's going to send the Marines in to protect Ralph Nader from the Democrats.

Ralph Nader has announced that he's running for president again and the Democrats are pretty upset about it because they say it will split the anti-Bush vote.

Here's how mad the Democrats are – they say if he doesn't pull out of the race, they're going to have Al Gore endorse him.

The U.S. has reportedly narrowed Osama bin Laden's location down to a 10 mile by 10 mile area.

Officials say it won't be long now before we're checking him for fleas.

This means we now have a better idea where Osama bin Laden is than we do Dick Cheney.

President Bush said today that he supports a constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriage.

President Bush feels that the only time two men should be in bed together is when they're consummating an oil deal.

President Bush says that if gay couples want tax breaks they'll have get them the old fashioned way – by becoming rich and voting Republican.

Over at the Martha Stewart trial the defense is now presenting its case.

Yesterday, her lawyers made their opening arguments – and Martha served some lovely appetizers.

A new poll finds that two-thirds of Americans support the idea of televising executions.

Most Americans say it's OK to execute someone on TV – just don't show any bare breasts.

Monday night was the 10th anniversary of the Nancy Kerrigan-Tonya Harding showdown at the Olympics.

It doesn't seem like it's been 10 years. Here's how long ago it was: that's the last time we were #1 in the ratings.

They've both changed a lot since then. Nancy Kerrigan has retired from competition and is married with children. Tonya Harding has a lot more tattoos.

The FBI has published the text of a letter that threatened to turn Washington D.C. into a “ghost town”.

What's the big deal? It's a ghost town most of the year anyway.

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I had a big weekend. Last night mom and I cuddled up on the couch with a box of tissues and watched the “Sex in the City” finale.

I thought the way they wrapped the show up was sweet – the ladies all went to San Francisco and married each other.

Ralph Nader has announced that he's running for president again. Democrats are unhappy about this because they say it will split the anti-Bush vote.

The Bushes are so happy about this they've already started counting votes in Florida.

President Bush's dog Spot was put to sleep over the weekend.

They say President Bush took the news pretty hard, but tried to take his mind of it by awarding more contracts to Halliburton.

They say Spot was not only the president's best friend – but also a top advisor.

Spot was born in the White House when President Bush's father was in office.

So he was born during the first Bush Administration and died during the second Bush Administration – kind of like President Bush's foreign policy.

Spot was put to sleep after suffering a series of health problems.

He was put to sleep after a series of health problems – are you listening Dick Cheney?

The Bushes are real animal lovers. They also have another dog and a cat.

Coincidentally, President Clinton was a real animal lover too – I believe he was particularly fond of cows.

California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger said that foreign-born citizens should be allowed to run for president.

I'm thinking why not, we've already elected a president who can barely speak English.

There were only 165 pedestrians killed by traffic in New York City last year, an all-time low.

Wow! I haven't gotten news this exciting since I found out I was going to be a father.

This means it's now officially safer to walk the streets here in New York than Baghdad.

I can tell it's gotten safer to walk the streets here in New York because it's been months since I've had to wash that yellow taxi paint out of my clothes.

City officials say this is due to tourists being much more careful about looking both ways before crossing the street to get to a hooker.

Over in Iran hardline conservatives won a landslide victory in parliamentary elections over more liberal reformers.

Experts say this could be another setback for gay marriage.

Apparently what happened was the Green Party candidate split the liberal vote.

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld made a surprise visit to Baghdad earlier today.

You know, returning to the scene of the crime.

The Red Cross was recently allowed to visit Saddam Hussein in jail for the first time.

They say he's physically run down and pretty depressed. In fact they say they haven't seen a deposed dictator in this bad of shape since they visited Martha Stewart.

Singer Bobby Brown is back in jail for violating his probation.

I believe next month is Whitney's turn.

Earlier tonight on Fox they had the finale of “The Littlest Groom,” a reality show where a guy who's only 4'5″ tall tries to find a bride.

It's good to see Howard Dean is getting work again.

Monica Lewinsky says that she's outraged about the accusations that John Kerry had an affair with an intern.

She said the whole thing has left a bad taste in her mouth.

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There are rumors that President Bush has had a nose job.

The whole thing was a secret. If you think about it, it's kind of like Bill Clinton's affair with Monica Lewinsky – it was all under the table.

I believe this is the first time a president has gotten a nose job since Barbra Streisand visited Bill Clinton in the White House.

The New York Yankees have acquired Alex Rodriguez, the highest paid player in baseball.

George Steinbrenner has promised that this won't affect the prices at Yankee Stadium. For example, you'll still be able to urinate in the sinks for free.

At the Martha Stewart trial today a friend of Martha's testified against her for the prosecution.

Reportedly, Martha is so angry she's considering sending her a really nasty homemade card.

Martha Stewart's defense lawyers may call her as a witness in her own defense.

They think Martha can win over the jury with her sincerity and her honesty – and some lovely party favors.

The International Atomic Energy Agency says they have found centrifuge parts in Iran that could be used to produce nuclear weapons

The Bush Administration is a little unsure how to handle this situation – since they didn't make it up this time.

President Bush said he's already got his top nuculer experts working on it.

Over in Iran today they had parliamentary elections and it's a close fight between the reformers and the conservative religious hardliners.

Experts are saying the election could be a real referendum on the whole gay marriage thing.

The Academy Awards are coming up this Sunday night.

Which means I get to look forward to another lonely weekend waiting around for the phone to ring.

I'll tell you who's excited about the Oscars – my mom. She gets to put all the rent money on Seasbiscuit one more time.

Ozzy Osbourne says that he may not be able to perform ever again after he injured himself in an accident on an all-terrain vehicle last year.

Apparently he's under strict doctor's orders to not make an ass of himself.

Good economic news: the Labor Department reported that new unemployment claims dropped sharply last week.

Here's how good the numbers are: they're even better than the numbers the Bush Administration was going to make up.

U.S. officials in Iraq said that they're still on track to hand over power to Iraqis on June 30.

Officials in the U.S. said we're also still on track for a power change in this country next January.

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A new poll out shows that both John Kerry and John Edwards have double digit leads over George Bush in head-to-head match-ups.

President Bush still holds a slight lead among his core constituency – the Supreme Court.

President Bush isn't concerned because he's usually a strong finisher – particularly after the election.

The White House has backed away from its own prediction that the economy will add 2.6 million new jobs by the end of the year.

What they meant to say was 2.6 million new jobs including the military.

White House press secretary Scott McClellan said that forecast came from statisticians and that President Bush was not a statistician.

I think I can speak for all of America when I say nobody will ever confuse George W. Bush with a statistician.

Howard Dean dropped out of the presidential race yesterday.

He's says he going to go back into private medical practice in a new specialty – primal scream therapy.

He's already been enjoying spending more time with his family. Today, he attended one his son's soccer games, and before the game he gave the team an inspirational, crazed rant.

Dean has vowed to support whoever gets the Democratic nomination – well, except for Dennis Kucinich.

Now that Howard Dean has dropped out, it's just a two-man race: Kucinich and Sharpton for last place.

The Academy Awards are this weekend, over on ABC.

That means the only thing CBS will have to apologize about next week is this show.

There are rumors now that George Bush had plastic surgery on his nose.

He's denying it. Earlier today the White House produced a guy who served with Bush's nose 30 years ago and he says it's definitely the same nose.

Everybody here in New York is excited that the Yankees have acquired Alex Rodriguez.

A lot of people outside of New York are upset about this. Even President Bush is concerned about it. Earlier today he said George Steinbrenner is an evil tyrant who must be stopped.

The Recording Industry Association of America has sued another 500 people for illegally downloading music.

So, if you're downloading music, beware. Of course, you can still download the Paris Hilton sex video all you want.

Earlier this week Disney bought the Muppets franchise from the Jim Henson Co.

Apparently they just barely outbid George Steinbrenner.

President Bush's brother Neil Bush recently underwent a vasectomy.

The job was awarded to Halliburton.

Google, the popular Internet search engine, just announced that they've revamped their search engine and you can now search over 4 billion pages on the web using it.

So now you can find the Paris Hilton sex video faster than ever.

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Congratulations to John Kerry who won the Wisconsin primary yesterday.

John Kerry is on such a winning streak that George Steinbrenner is thinking of trading for him.

John Kerry has now won 15 of 17 primaries and the Democrats are starting to feel like Kerry may beat George Bush in November.

Here's how confident they are: former President Bill Clinton has already faxed Kerry his list of recommendations for White House interns.

Howard Dean finished a distant third in the Wisconsin primary and has decided to suspend his campaign for president.

What that means is his name will still be on the ballots even though everybody knows he can't win – kind of like Dennis Kucinich.

Reportedly he made the decision after shouting it over with his staff.

He broke the news to his supporters and thanked them for their support with a heartfelt, crazed rant.

As if things aren't bad enough for Howard Dean, today he went home for the first time in months and his wife thought he was an intruder.

More trouble for Martha Stewart today – prosecutors are now accusing her of illegally downloading music.

Consumer confidence this past week had its biggest drop in more than 18 years.

Here's how bad things have gotten:

Donald Trump may be forced to fire a hot babe from his show this week.

George Steinbrenner has decided not to sign any more $252 million players this week.

California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger has told San Francisco's mayor to stop issuing marriage licenses to gay couples.

As we all know, if there's one thing Arnold can't stand, it's deviant sexual behavior.

A new study finds that regular exercise can help again adults to think more clearly.

Take it from me, if you're my age and you don't exercise regularly – you might find yourself with a newborn.

A new study has found that people who smoke are more likely to be angry and aggressive.

Which explains why the rats in New York are so mean.

The U.S. military has released another most wanted list, this time of figures suspected of leading the anti-U.S. insurgency in Iraq.

Sean Penn is the King of Diamonds

Ever since the outbreak of the bird flu in Cambodia, people there have begun eating rats instead of chicken.

That kind of thing could never happen here – the rats are big enough to defend themselves.

They say the most popular rat for eating is the New York City rat – they've got lots of breast meat.

A new study by AAA finds that drivers over the age of 85 are more likely to die in a crash than younger drivers.

That's bad news for our audience.

I'm thinking hell, people over 85 are more likely to die watching this show.

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President Bush visited National Guard troops in Louisiana earlier today.

Out of habit he almost didn't show up

John Kerry is now demanding proof that he was actually there.

Forbes magazine has ranked the U.S. president according to wealth and found that if he were elected, John Kerry would be the third-richest president ever.

Just what he needs – another good pick-up line.

The young intern who reportedly had an affair with John Kerry has denied that she ever had a relationship with him.

However, she does admit that she slept with Bill Clinton.

Let's see, so now we know that John Kerry served honorably in the military and didn't cheat on his wife – now I'm starting to wonder if this guy is really presidential material.

Earlier today was the Wisconsin primary and some people say that if Howard Dean doesn't win he's going to drop out of the presidential race.

Before he got into politics, Dean was a doctor so if he drops out he can always go back to screaming at patients.

U.S. officials in Iraq have given the Red Cross permission to visit Saddam Hussein.

They're still trying to get permission to visit Martha Stewart.

The New York Yankees have acquired Alex Rodriguez from the Texas Rangers.

Today he was in town to be officially introduced. They say he was shocked by the size of things here in New York – and those were just the rats.

Rodriguez is the highest paid player in baseball and the Rangers were so desperate to unload him they paid the Yankees $67 million to take him.

I haven't seen a company so desperate to get rid of an employee since NBC got rid of me.

Up on Mars, the Spirit rover traveled 88 feet across the planet's surface yesterday, its longest trip yet.

88 feet in one day – and the right turn blinker was on the whole way.

Out in San Francisco thousands of gay couples have gotten married since the city started issuing marriage certificates to same-sex couples last week.

Here's how crazy it's getting: over the weekend Britney Spears got married to Madonna for 55 hours.

Part of the border between the United States and Canada was closed yesterday when a woman was caught trying to drive to Canada with a grenade in her glove compartment.

I don't know, I'm thinking maybe it's time mom stopped driving.

Scientists say that they've discovered the largest known diamond in the galaxy, a burned out star that weighs 10 billion trillion trillion carats.

They say the only thing in the galaxy that's bigger with that many carats is Elizabeth Taylor.

Star Jones from “The View” got engaged during the NBA All-Star game this weekend.

Did you see it? It was pretty sweet. What her boyfriend did was, he slipped the ring into her cheese fries.

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Boy, I had a crazy weekend.

This was unplanned and kind of crazy but at the last minute I decided to fly out to San Francisco to take in a few gay weddings.

Hundreds of gay couples have been getting married in San Francisco since the city started issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples last week.

This is pretty historic. It's the first time gay people can get the legal benefits of marriage without involving Liza Minelli.

Happy President's Day everybody.

This is the day when we remember the births of George Washington and Abraham Lincoln – and Al Gore makes his wife Tipper call him “Mr. President” all day.

Congratulations to John Kerry who had another big weekend.

He won the Nevada and DC caucuses – and tagged a new intern.

If you haven't heard, there are rumors that Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry had an affair with an intern.

I'm thinking this is the kind of thing that could put him over the top.

Kerry has emphatically denied the rumors.

Finally, somebody to carry on the Clinton legacy.

There was another debate amongst the Democratic presidential candidates last night.

You could tell John Kerry is feeling pretty confident. In between questions he would wet his lips by making out with an intern.

President Bush was in Florida yesterday to start the Daytona 500.

I'm not sure if this was a good idea, but he started the race by waving his military records.

President Bush said this is the first race he's been to since he was AWOL from the military.

The White House released all of President Bush's military records over the weekend.

He's going to be plugging them on Oprah later this week.

President Bush is worried that releasing these records might set a dangerous precedent. Next thing you know, they'll be demanding his prison records.

U.S. forces in Iraq have captured Muhammad Zimam Abd al-Razzaq al Sadun, No. 41 on the list of the 55 Most Wanted Iraqis.

We're really getting to the bottom of the barrel with these guys. Here's how unimportant this guy is: they didn't even bother to delouse him.

Scientists have discovered what they say is the most distant known object from Earth, a galaxy that is 13 billion light-years from Earth.

Scientists say that it's so far away, the light from it is even fainter than Howard Dean's chances of becoming president.

CBS has apologized for a performance by Out Kast during the Grammy Awards last week that may have offended Native Americans.

That's the second apology by CBS in two weeks for putting offensive material on the air. Just to be safe, CBS would also like to apologize in advance for this show.

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(Friday) Today is Friday the 13th.

I'm not superstitious, but I have to admit I got kind of worried when I was walking to work today and a black cat crossed my path – but then a rat ate him, so I think I'm OK.

The average life expectancy of New Yorkers is increasing.

You can really tell. For example, earlier today I was mugged and pistol-whipped by an old lady.

That's the good news. The bad news is tourists are still dropping like flies.

Yesterday President Bush called on the rest of the world to get tough about stopping countries that are trying to obtain weapons of mass destruction – and not just the ones he's made it up about, either.

The White House has released dental records of President Bush from when he was in the Alabama National Guard to prove he wasn't AWOL.

This has just opened up another can of worms. Now the Democrats are accusing President Bush of having gingivitis.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day.

After the show I need to go find one of those “Happy Valentine's Day to the Mother of My Child” cards.

The U.S. says they've got a man in custody who claims he was Osama bin Laden's driver.

I'm not sure he's telling the truth. He claims he's the guy who drove Osama and Britney to the chapel for their 55-hour wedding.

Up there in Massachusetts they're debating this whole gay marriage deal.

I'm not sure how it's going to turn out, but I'm just glad people are talking about somebody getting married other than me for a change.

Apparently, there are hundreds of people protesting in favor of gay marriages and things are really starting to heat up. Earlier today David Gest was arrested.

Men's Journal magazine has released their list of “The 25 Toughest Guys in America” and Hillary Clinton is No.25.

Not only that, but earlier today she got an endorsement offer from Viagra.

A woman in France has married her boyfriend, who died over a year ago.

Marrying a dead person isn't so unusual. Hell, my ex-wife did.

Last week astronauts on the International Space Station reported seeing an unidentified object floating outside the station.

NASA now says they've identified what it was – O.J.'s knife.

NASA says the Spirit rover was unable to move yesterday, because it was so cold on Mars.

They were able to warm it up by sending pictures of Janet Jackson's Super Bowl halftime show.

Luckily, the Rover belongs to AAA so they were able to get a jump.

FCC Chairman Michael Powell says that the Janet Jackson Super Bowl halftime show was a new low for prime-time television.

You see, because we're not on during prime time.

The FCC is holding hearings into the Janet Jackson incident at the Super Bowl halftime show.

This whole investigation is getting a bit silly. Today they recommended impeaching Bill Clinton again.

Harvard University has granted approval for a student-run magazine about sex, featuring nude pictures of undergraduates.

Experts are worried this could set a bad precedent and that this sort of thing might start happening at other schools – like M.I.T.

Coincidentally, former President Bill Clinton now says he's considering going into academics.

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Congratulations to Senator John Kerry who won both Democratic primaries in Virginia and Tennessee last night.

Kerry is doing so well that even President Bush is starting to get nervous. He's so nervous he's brushing up on the names of the Supreme Court Justices again.

General Wesley Clark has withdrawn from the Democratic presidential race.

Clark said that at some point in every campaign a candidate has to ask himself “What would Kucinich do?”

That means that there are now 98 delegates once again up for grabs that won't be going to Dennis Kucinich.

Dennis Kucinich has vowed to stay in the race until his wife notices he's gone.

Howard Dean finished well behind in both primaries but says he's going to stay in the race.

Here's how bad things have gotten for Howard Dean: at his concession speech last night he had to shout just to get somebody's attention.

The Westminster Dog Show ended last night and a Newfoundland named Josh was named best in show.

Things got a little rowdy after the show when a pack of Newfoundland's rioted and flipped over some SUVs.

After the show, Josh was seen partying with a few of his bitches.

The White House released payroll records yesterday from President Bush's time in the Air National Guard in order to prove that he wasn't AWOL during the Vietnam War.

Today they also released payroll records to prove that that Vice President Cheney is still alive.

The U.S. State Department has restored diplomatic ties with Libya, by sending two representatives to work out of the Belgian Embassy in Tripoli.

Here's what's going to happen: If things go well, we'll send over a handful more representatives. If things don't go well, we'll send over about 100,000 representatives.

Lehigh University is being criticized for displaying a painting of President Bush groping the breast of a woman.

In the interest of fairness, former President Bill Clinton has offered to pose for a similar portrait.

A supermarket in Iceland is selling Pizzagra – a pizza they claim will increase the libido in both men and women.

Well, it certainly worked for Bill Clinton.

In the wake of the Janet Jackson incident at the Super Bowl, MTV has removed a number of racy videos from its daytime rotation and will now only show them at night.

This isn't surprising. The networks usually like to put offensive and tasteless things on late at night – like this show.

Microsoft says that it's found a security hole in the latest version of Windows that could allow hackers to damage a computer.

They recommend that if you're running Windows, please, back up your pornography immediately.

The Spirit rover set a new record by traveling nearly 70 feet across the surface of Mars yesterday.

That's most ground ever covered in day by a government employee.

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Two important southern states, Tennessee and Virginia, held primaries today, both of which John Kerry was expected to win.

That means that right about now Howard Dean should be doing the rebel yell at his concession speech.

The Westminster Dog Show wrapped up earlier tonight, when they gave out the “Best in Show” award.

Once again, Dennis Kucinich finished a distant 5th.

Howard Dean is saying that he's going to stay in the race for as long as he can.

He's got his wife's full support on this – she's willing to stay as far away from him as possible for as long as it takes.

A new poll shows that President Bush and John Kerry are in a virtual tie in a head-to-head matchup.

As we know President Bush never worries about the polls – even the ones in November.

Keep this in mind: President Bush has never lost an election where he's been this close in the polls. Hell, he's never even lost an election where he actually lost the election.

The White House said that it doesn't have any records related to President Bush's Air National Guard service to prove that he was never AWOL from his unit.

President Bush said that based on the intelligence he received, he believed those records used to be there and that he's forming a commission to review the accuracy of that intelligence.

The man who owns the Internet domain name whitehouse.com, which is a pornography web site, is selling the name.

Thank goodness. If there's one thing we don't want, it's people associating the White House with sex.

At the Martha Stewart trial yesterday, Martha's personal assistant testified and broke down sobbing on the witness stand.

Apparently she broke down from all the stress and the hostile questions – no, wait, that was my personal assistant.

Men's Journal magazine has named Hillary Clinton the 25th Toughest Guy in America.

Naturally, Bill Clinton was outraged when he heard this. He said if anything, she should've been in the top 10.

A new report has found that Dr. Robert Atkins, inventor of the popular low-carbohydrate diet, was obese at the time of his death last year.

I guess the problem with the Whopper isn't the bun.

Paris Hilton is suing the company that distributed the tape of her having sex for $30 million for violation of privacy and infliction of emotional distress.

She's serious about this. After all, her good name's at stake.

Diana Ross has been sentenced to two days in jail for driving under the influence.

In a related matter, the national terror threat alert level has been reduced for two days.

President Bush says that while he's glad Diana Ross has been caught, he's still holding out hope that we'll eventually get Whitney Houston

Good news from Mars: the rover Spirit, which was disabled for two weeks with computer problems, has been repaired and resumed its mission.

Apparently what happened was Spirit was shut down for illegally downloading music.

Spirit drilled its first hole in a rock on the surface so scientists can study its composition.

Scientists are pretty excited about this. It's the first time ever that we've drilled into a rock on Mars, making it the most famous drilling since – Bill Clinton.

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The Grammys were on CBS last night and went off without any embarrassing incidents.

It was part of CBS' new “Nipple-Free Sunday” lineup.

I TiVo'd the whole show just so I could skip to any wardrobe malfunctions.

Former President Bill Clinton won a Grammy for a spoken word children's album that he did with Sophia Loren.

Of course, he was the only one speaking.

Justin Timberlake won a Grammy for best male pop vocal performance.

You could tell he was happy because he was gripping the award like it was Janet Jackson's breast.

Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry won all three caucuses this weekend, in Washington, Michigan and Maine.

His aides said when he got the news, a big smile came across his face – once the Botox kicked in.

You can tell Kerry is starting to feel kind of cocky.

Today he started hitting on rich widows again.

Dennis Kucinich, who finished third in Maine, said he's the Seabiscuit of the presidential race.

Sure. If he doesn't win soon, they're going to put him down.

Howard Dean finished second in all three contests this weekend.

I think all this losing is starting to take its toll on him. Today he said not only is he not quitting but he vowed he'd never be taken alive.

Dean said he was encouraged by the results this weekend and that his campaign is starting to come back.

You can tell he's in a state of denial. Today he hired Baghdad Bob as his press secretary.

Celebrity Birthdays: Ashton Kutcher turned 26 over the weekend.

He celebrated by having a nice dinner with Demi Moore at Chuck E. Cheese's.

To celebrate, Demi Moore threw him a birthday party with lots of family and friends – and a clown.

Celebrity Birthdays: Ted Koppel turned 64 over the weekend.

It was a double birthday for Ted; he turned 64 and his hair turned 20.

President Bush said in an interview on Sunday that he doesn't want to rush the inquiry into the prewar intelligence about Iraq's weapons of mass destruction.

As we all know, if there's one thing President Bush doesn't like to do, it's jump to conclusions.

The president has given the commission he named to review prewar intelligence until March 2005 to announce its findings, well after the November elections.

It's uncanny. Every time the Democrats start to get some momentum, this guy makes another brilliant political move.

The United States has tracked down $300 million that Saddam Hussein hid in bank accounts around the world.

That's the good news. The bad news is that means he's now eligible for a Bush tax cut.

An American Airlines pilot on a flight last week asked his passengers if they were Christian and said that anybody who wasn't was crazy.

Coincidentally, that's the same thing that got me fired over at NBC.

40 years ago tonight in this theater, right here on CBS, The Beatles made their first appearance on The Ed Sullivan Show.

Many of the screaming kids who watched that show are grandparents now – which means they're still watching CBS.

The only time we get crowds of people outside the theater screaming like that now is when people are demanding refunds.

The Westminster Dog Show is going on today and tomorrow here in New York City.

You can always tell when the dog show is in town. Today in Times Square I saw a pack of German Sheppards trying to pick up hookers.

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Good evening and welcome to “Jackass!” everybody!

For anybody who doesn't know, we had an accident during the show last night when a young woman who was doing a snowboarding jump outside on 53rd street, fell off the platform and landed on the pavement.

Boy, it's been a crazy week here on CBS – and there's still three weeks left in February sweeps.

Luckily, she only needed a few stitches, but after all that excitement, I needed a shot of Lipitor.

After it happened, it was confusing and there was a lot of commotion and my heart was racing – it was just like when I found out I was going to be a father.

The whole incident was almost enough to drive me back to prescription painkillers.

CBS is pretty upset about the whole incident and, as a result, I've been banned from the Grammys.

Here's how crazy the whole thing is: earlier today Janet Jackson apologized to anyone who was offended by it.

I was pretty surprised it happened because I've seen mom do that trick a million times without a problem.

Here at the show we're referring to it as a “snowsuit malfunction”.

I went to the hospital to see how she was doing and when I got there I had flashbacks to when my son Harry was born and I thought “Oh my god, I've put another young woman in the hospital.”

It was kind of embarrassing when I was at the hospital; all these people were following me all over the place – you know, with heart defibrillators.

God bless her, this young woman was cracking jokes at the hospital. She said the only thing she was upset about was that the French judge only gave her a 5.6.

Not only is she tough and gracious, she's also funnier than this show.

We were going to post a warning to our viewers not to try the trick at home – but then we remembered we're on CBS.

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(Friday) Celebrity Birthdays: NBC News anchorman Tom Brokaw turns 64 today.

Just one more year and he'll be eligible to be an intern on “60 Minutes”.

(Thursday) Celebrity Birthdays: Bobby Brown turns 35 today.

His wife Whitney Houston made him his favorite cake: chocolate with the crack icing.

After the Janet Jackson incident at the Super Bowl, CBS is going to air the Grammy Awards with a five-minute delay so that nothing questionable will make it on the air.

Isn't the whole show questionable? It should be like a 3-hour delay.

This whole thing is silly. The show doesn't start until 8:00; most of CBS' audience is in bed by then anyway.

Al Qaeda has reportedly warned that there is going to be another major terrorist attack in the U.S.

The warning didn't give much detail other than that it will involve a wardrobe malfunction.

My mom is excited about this weekend coming up.

She's hoping to make back her losses on the Super Bowl by going double-or-nothing on the Pro Bowl.

Some Democrats are accusing President Bush of going AWOL when he was in the Air National Guard during the Vietnam War.

I'm thinking we should be more concerned when he goes AWOL for 35 days each summer.

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said he still thinks we will find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

He also said he believes the Janet Jackson incident at the Super Bowl was just a wardrobe malfunction.

Jack Nicholson said in a recent interview that he takes Viagra, but only when he's with more than one woman.

Coincidentally, former President Bill Clinton admitted that he also takes Viagra, but only when he's with more than one intern.

President Bush says he is deeply troubled by a recent ruling in Massachusetts that legalizes gay marriage.

He says that gay men can already get married – look at David Gest

California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger's wife Maria Shriver resigned from her job at NBC News yesterday, saying she wanted to avoid the appearance of a conflict of interest.

She said she doesn't think people would consider her exposes on group sex and drug use objective.

A seven-year-old girl in Pittsburgh was suspended from school for saying “hell” in school.

I'm thinking if they're going to suspend kids that young for swearing my son Harry is screwed.

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Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry won five of the seven primaries held yesterday.

Kerry's aides say he couldn't wipe the smile off of his face last night – because of the Botox injections.

He's doing so well he's starting to get a little cocky. Earlier today at a campaign rally he ripped part of his wife's top off and exposed her breast.

Howard Dean didn't do well in yesterday's elections.

With each loss you can almost see Howard getting angrier. Today he declared jihad on John Kerry.

After another series of poor showings, Joe Lieberman announced today that he has dropped out of the race for the Democratic nomination.

That's right, he dropped out of the race after a series of poor showings. Are you listening Dennis Kucinich?

Leiberman says he knew his campaign was in trouble when his advisers told him he needed to be more “Kucinich-y”.

Justin Timberlake blamed the whole Janet Jackson Super Bowl halftime show incident on a “wardrobe malfunction”.

Is anybody other than Jessica Simpson buying this excuse?

CBS says that they're going use a video delay system for the Grammy Awards this weekend, just in case anything inappropriate happens like at the Super Bowl halftime show.

Come to think of it, we could use that for this show.

They want to be careful just in case somebody bares a breast again – or one of the Aerosmith guys drops his teeth.

Celebrity Birthdays: Former Vice President Dan Quayle turns 57 today.

He celebrated with a quite family dinner at Chuck E. Cheese's.

The Martha Stewart trial is underway and things just keep getting worse for Martha.

Today in court she had a wardrobe malfunction.

The Massachusetts Supreme Court has ruled that the state must start allowing gay couples to get married.

Finally, some good news for David Gest.

The U.S. Army is going to seal the underground bunker where Saddam Hussein was captured so it doesn't become a tourist attraction.

They want to make it as unappealing as possible, so they're going to seal it up with Marlon Brando's ass.

The Army says they're not going to destroy the bunker, just in case they need it in the future.

You know, once the Martha Stewart verdict is in.

FHM magazine has named Paris Hilton the “Most Eligible Woman in the World 2004.”

For any of your guys who still aren't convinced, you can check out her wedding night audition tape.

Thailand has temporarily banned cock fighting until the bird flu epidemic is over.

There goes my surprise trip for mom.

Texas Tech basketball coach Bobby Knight has been disciplined for verbally abusing the university's chancellor at a grocery store

What happened was the chancellor refused to invite him to over to dinner to share the On-Cor Family Sized Lasagna Frozen meal he was buying,

Coach Knight hasn't been suspended from coaching, but he's been relieved of chair throwing duties for five games.

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I had an exciting night last night. What I did was, I TiVo'd the Super Bowl on Sunday, so last night I was able to skip all the commercials and go right to Janet Jackson exposing her breast.

If you didn't see it, during the halftime show at the Super Bowl, Justin Timberlake ripped off part of Janet Jackson's top and exposed her breast.

It didn't bother me that much. It was nice to see a member of the Jackson family dangling something other than a baby for a change.

President Bush said he missed the whole Janet Jackson incident because he fell asleep before the halftime show.

President Clinton would often fall asleep during the Super Bowl, too – you know, right after sex.

Justin Timberlake says the whole thing was an accident, that it was a “wardrobe malfunction”.

Just like Bill used to tell Hillary.

That makes it the most famous wardrobe malfunction since Bill Clinton was president.

The FCC is going to investigate the Janet Jackson incident during the Super Bowl halftime show.

Former President Clinton has already volunteered to lead the investigation.

Today was “Super Tuesday” for the Democratic presidential candidates; seven states held primaries or causes.

Over at Howard Dean's headquarters they prepared for the worst: they hid all the knives.

Howard Dean is getting pretty desperate. Today he ripped off part of his wife's top and exposed her breast.

Democratic presidential candidate Joe Lieberman says that he's the candidate with national support.

Sounds like someone's been hitting the Manischewitz again.

A new poll finds that John Kerry leads President Bush in a head-to-head matchup.

Bush still leads Kerry amongst his core constituency – the Supreme Court.

A white powdery substance identified as the deadly toxin ricin was found earlier today in the offices of Senator Majority Leader Bill Frist.

A white powdery substance was also found on Ted Kennedy's desk – but it turned out to be powdered sugar.

President Bush said he's going to appoint a presidential commission to review U.S. intelligence on weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

He's pretty serious about this; he's going to appoint an independent, bipartisan commission of Halliburton executives.

Al Gore's son Albert Gore III, has been ordered to complete substance abuse counseling to settle a charge of marijuana possession.

Finally, a Gore who's real presidential material.

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Happy Groundhog Day!

Earlier today in Pennsylvania Punxsutawney Phil came out of his hole – and was promptly arrested by the 3rd Armored Division.

Unfortunately, the groundhog saw his shadow, which means we get six more weeks of Dennis Kucinich.

How about that Super Bowl yesterday? It was a really close game. It was tied right until the end when the Patriots won on a last second field goal.

When they made that field goal my mom started yelling “The bastards didn't cover! The bastards didn't cover!”

We had a big Super Bowl party at my house.

By half time my Uncle Earl had eaten a whole bowl of potpourri.

It went well until my Uncle Earl almost choked on one of those big foam fingers.

During the Super Bowl half-time show, Justin Timberlake tore off part of Janet Jackson's top, exposing her right breast.

Coincidentally, that's the same thing Martha Stewart's lawyer did during opening arguments.

It's been really cold here in New York. It was so cold, today I saw a tourist trying to jump-start a hooker.

Jennifer Lopez announced last week that she has ended her engagement to Ben Affleck.

Friends say she's taking it pretty hard. It may be weeks before she's ready to get married again.

Archivists for the Clinton Presidential Library have found that President Clinton sent only two emails while he was in office.

That's not surprising. President Clinton always preferred to communicate with his people face-to-lap.

Celebrity birthdays: Oprah Winfrey turned 50 last week.

Every year on her birthday we do the same thing: I send her a lovely gift and she takes a restraining order out against me.

Over in Iraq they're still questioning Saddam Hussein and he's starting to talk.

Today he admitted to getting botox injections.

There have been rumors published that Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry has had botox injections to get rid of wrinkles.

Earlier today Howard Dean admitted that he received injections too – but those were just tranquilizers

NASA's has successfully landed a second rover on Mars, named Opportunity, which joins its twin Spirit on the planet's surface.

In honor of the event, Congress has created the first toll road on Mars.

Unfortunately, things aren't going so well. Earlier today, Spirit accused Opportunity of having weapons of mass destruction.

A pitcher for the Cleveland Indians has admitted that he participated in a gay pornographic movie when he was a college student in Japan.

Earlier today he also claimed Liza Minelli beat him up.

He insisted that he's not gay.

Aside from the gay porno movie, he hasn't exhibited any of the usual signs of being gay – like marrying Liza Minelli.

Democratic Presidential candidate Howard Dean replaced his campaign manager with Al Gore's former chief of staff.

You can already see the effect he's had on the campaign – it's a lot more boring.

70 year-old singer James Brown was arrested last week for pushing his wife to the floor during an argument.

If you missed this story you can see it again on the new Fox reality show “When Seniors Attack”.

Michael Jackson's former wife and the mother of two of his children is now claiming that Michael is not their father.

I think there may be something to this; if you look the kids, they don't have any of his noses.

Michael says he's willing to take a DNA test to prove that he's the father – if they can find any more of his DNA on his body.

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