Chumworth on the News – 2004

Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show

From July 2003 until October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN. I wrote and submitted about 10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used. But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get paid for it!

Dave is one of my top two all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It never, ever got old.

This section displays all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is). Use the archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.

Jokes highlighted in bold were used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention. You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by Jay and Carson and Jimmy) on my Late Night Jokes page.

Enjoy!

Howard Dean has been campaigning hard in New Hampshire.

Howard Dean, or, as I call him, the angry red candidate

He's been all over the state shaking hands and yelling at babies.

Earlier tonight in New Hampshire there was a debate among the Democratic presidential candidates.

Howard Dean is still having some trouble controlling himself. During the debate, to emphasize a point, he put Dennis Kucinich in a headlock.

John Kerry's presidential campaign has started seeing a dramatic increase in donations since he won the Iowa caucuses.

That's good ; now he doesn't have to find another rich widow.

(Thursday) Today is the first day of the Chinese New Year. This year is the Year of the Monkey.

Are you like me? I'm still writing the Year of the Ram on my checks.

I had a big Chinese New Year's party last night and the monkeys drank all of my liquor.

(Thursday) Vice President Dick Cheney left today on a trip to Switzerland and Rome.

If something were to happen to the president while he's out of the country, the Speaker of the House would immediately take over responsibility of awarding contracts to Halliburton.

(Friday) Over at NBC they taped the last episode of “Friends” earlier today.

I thought this was classy: CBS sent over a large “Thank You” bouquet.

(Friday) Earlier tonight over on ABC Diane Sawyer interviewed Howard Dean and his wife Judy.

I thought the most touching part was at the beginning when she introduced them to each other.

Art Garfunkel was arrested for marijuana possession after police pulled his limousine over for speeding in upstate New York.

The police said when they approached the car it smelled “Garfunkelly”.

What happened was, when they pulled his car over and he said “Don't you know who I am?” they knew he was smoking something.

There's a new study out that finds that people who get more sleep are smarter.

Are you listening Jessica Simpson?

That explains why Bill Clinton is so smart – he's in bed all the time.

The music industry has filed lawsuits against 500 more people for illegally downloading music.

I think my mom may be one of those people. When she heard the news she started yelling “Those bastards will never take me alive!”

Scientists are excited about this Mars rover that's been driving around up there checking out the sand and the rocks. Now it's drilling a hole in this big rock to see what it's inside.

The results are in and they're quite stunning. You may want to brace yourself for this: the scientists have determined that inside the rock is – more rock.

Michael Jackson is auctioning off one of his cars, a 2001 Bentley.

They say he took good care of the car. He changed the oil every 3,000 molestations.

The rear seats three people comfortably – or Elizabeth Taylor.

Doctors in Romania have successfully removed a 175-pound tumor from woman.

They say it's the largest unwanted appendage to be successfully removed from a woman since Britney Spears' got her marriage annulled.

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President Bush gave his State of the Union speech last night.

The speech was a big success – Halliburton stock was way up on heavy trading.

Democratic reaction to the speech has been strong.

Today in New Hampshire Howard Dean cursed out a group of senior citizens.

In the speech the president called for an end to steroid use by professional athletes – and Howard Dean.

The president also said that economy is turning around but that more work remained to be done – most of which would be contracted out to Halliburton.

President Bush also said he supports recognizing marriage solely as a union between a man and a woman – as long as it lasts at least 55 hours.

Celebrity Birthdays: Jack Nicklaus turns 64 today.

Just one more year until he can retire and hit the links.

Thousands of people marched through the streets of Baghdad yesterday demanding Saddam Hussein's execution, shouting “Death to the tyrant!”

No, I'm sorry – those were the people outside the Martha Stewart trial.

Martha Stewart's trial on obstruction of justice charges has begun.

Luckily for Martha, she got an early break when the judge ruled that she couldn't be tried as an enemy combatant.

A West Virginia man who won a $113 million in the Powerball lottery had $100,000 in cash stolen from his car. This comes after he had $500,000 stolen from him at a strip club earlier this year and after he was recently charged with threatening to kill someone.

I tell you, this poor guy just can't catch a break.

Out in California, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is threatening to make “Armageddon cuts” in public services if he isn't allowed to borrow $15 billion to get the state out of debt.

You could tell he was serious about this by the way his biceps kept twitching.

Ben Affleck is in Utah this week attending the Sundance Film Festival without Jennifer Lopez.

He's not worried about leaving her alone; she said she'll just be kicking back with some old friends in Miami.

The widow of the founder of McDonald's has left $1.5 billion to the Salvation Army.

I believe this means that McDonald's will now have the world's second largest army.

The Salvation Army is already planning to upgrade from those hanging pots to more modern fryalators.

Now I won't feel so bad when I pretend not to have any spare change.

Entrepreneurs in Australia are going to open a Monica Lewinsky-themed restaurant next month.

The menu will be geared towards dieters: low in carbohydrates, high in meats.

It's just like any other restaurant, except you have to sit under the table.

The featured dessert will be Impeachment Cobbler.

At the end of the meal, rather than a mint, they give you a book of crummy poetry.

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Congratulations to Sen. John Kerry who won last night's Iowa caucuses.

Kerry and his supporters celebrated the win with a big party. In fact, I believe Ted Kennedy is still looking for his pants.

After being the frontrunner for months, Howard Dean came in third in Iowa.

Did you see Dean give his concession speech? Boy, he was really upset. He was yelling and screaming and vowed to keep fighting – he was beginning to sound a little like Martha Stewart.

Here's how crazy Dean sounded – he said he still doesn't believe Pete Rose bet on baseball.

He looked so crazy I half expected an army doctor to come out and check him for fleas.

Dick Gephardt, who finished forth in Iowa, has announced he's dropping out of the race.

For those of you counting, that leaves seven Democratic candidates in the race. You know what that means? Dennis Kucinich is now only 6 heartbeats away from the nomination.

Al Sharpton is glad the Iowa caucuses are over; he had a hard time connecting with people there. The closet thing he found to people of color were a bunch of guys with farmer's tans.

President Bush gave his State of the Union address to Congress earlier tonight.

He's so confident that he's going to get re-elected that he didn't even bother making anything up this year.

You could tell he was playing to the crowd a little bit, when he emphasized each point by giving a tax break to the rich.

You could tell he thought the speech was going well when he kept firing off rounds into the air.

During the speech President Bush defended the war in Iraq, but I think he was showing off a bit when he had Saddam Hussein keep refilling his water glass.

For security reasons, one cabinet member was kept in a secret location during the speech.

Actually, they just couldn't remember where they hid Dick Cheney.

They say President Bush spent several days practicing his delivery of the speech with advisers.

He wanted to make sure had delivered the speech with just the right combination of smarminess and cockiness.

Celebrity Birthdays: Happy birthday to Buzz Aldrin, the second man to walk on the moon, who turned 74 today.

He said the key to a long, happy life is a healthy diet, regular exercise – and a shot of tang before sex.

The UPN network is making a reality show about the life of Amish teenagers.

It's going to be called “My Big Fat Obnoxious Amish Fiance”

They're going follow a bunch of Amish teenagers as they raise barns, milk cows and learn more about Amish culture. At the end of each week, Donald Trump will fire one of them.

Actress Gwyneth Paltrow says that she's going raise her new baby in London because America is too dangerous.

Apparently, the final straw was when Sean Penn came back from Iraq.

More Mars news: Europe's Mars Express orbiter has photographed Mars' Valles Marineris, the largest canyon in the solar system.

Just to give you an idea of how big it is, they say it's even deeper than the hole Martha Stewart is in.

NBC says that they're charging advertisers $2 million for a 30-second ad on the final episode of “Friends”.

The series finale of “Frasier” is also coming up, but the ads sales aren't going quite as well. So far they've only sold a couple of Lipitor ads

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Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day!

President Bush marked the occasion by visiting Martin Luther King Jr.'s grave last week, where he was met by hundreds of angry protesters.

President Bush wasn't fazed by the protesters; he said he'll continue to fight for minorities until they're capable of self-rule.

Today was the day of the big caucuses in Iowa.

Right about now, somebody is gently explaining to Dennis Kucinich that it might not be a clean sweep to the nomination.

Howard Dean had a big lead in Iowa but now they say it's a four-way race.

I believe this is the first time a presidential candidate has been involved in a four-way since, well Bill Clinton.

In fact, the race has gotten so tight Howard Dean finally persuaded his wife Judy to make her first campaign appearance over the weekend.

I believe this is the least a presidential candidate has seen his wife since – Bill Clinton.

If the race gets any tighter, Dean's aides say he may have to consider having an affair.

A psychic friend of Michael Jackson's says that Michael denied under hypnosis that he had sexually abused children.

Naturally, Michael's defense team is a bit leery about putting this guy on the stand – he'd be directly contradicting the chimp's testimony.

He took Michael into a pretty deep hypnotic state and found that in a previous life, Michael was actually a black man.

He was able to hypnotize Michael by swinging one of his old noses in front of him.

A doctor in London claims that he had successfully implanted a cloned human embryo into a woman.

Scientists are pretty skeptical about this claim – they say if true it would be the most unlikely pregnancy since I knocked up my girlfriend.

Ashton Kutcher has announced that his MTV show “Punk'd!” is over after just two seasons.

That's surprising, since he likes things well past their prime.

The New York Jets are going to build a new $800 million stadium here in Manhattan.

As part of the plan, the city and state will pay $600 million for infrastructure improvements to handle the increase in traffic – and that's just for the hookers.

The new stadium is also part of New York's bid for the 2012 Olympic Summer Games.

The other cities competing for the 2012 games are Havana, Istanbul, Madrid, Moscow, Rio de Janeiro – no, wait, I'm sorry those are New York's five boroughs.

Gillette has introduced a new battery-powered vibrating razor.

So, guys, if you're sick of your wife using your razor now – just you wait.

The new season of “American Idol” premiered earlier tonight over on Fox.

Have you seen this show? It's full of all these people who go on TV and make asses out of themselves in a desperate attempt to become famous – no, wait, I'm sorry, those are the Democratic presidential candidates.

NASA has announced it will no longer send space shuttles to service the Hubble Space Telescope.

I believe this is the first time the government has stopped servicing something this large since, well, Bill Clinton.

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It's so cold here in New York, today I saw a couple of rats huddled around a burning trash can.

It's so cold here in New York today I saw a hot dog vendor pouring extra anti-freeze in the water.

President Bush wants to put a man on the moon by 2020 as a steppingstone for a manned trip to Mars.

The missions will cost billions of dollars, but President Bush has a plan to pay for it all – it involves a series of tax cuts for the rich.

As part of the plan, the current space shuttle fleet would be retired by 2010 – no, I'm sorry, that's CBS' plan for the cast of “60 Minutes”.

Once the shuttles are retired they're expected to make lovely planters for Halliburton executives.

The Mars rover has rolled off its lander and onto the surface of Mars. It's headed to a crater 250 meters away. The trip should take about six weeks.

250 meters in six weeks – that's right, they've hired my mother to drive it.

That means six weeks of President Bush asking “Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”

Sean Penn was in Iraq again recently, as a foreign correspondent for in the San Francisco Chronicle.

The highlight of the trip was when he punched out some Iraqi photographers.

Is there anything more annoying than a celebrity taking a self-serving tour of a war zone?

Carol Moseley Braun has decided to drop out of the race for the Democratic presidential nomination.

Apparently, she realized she couldn't overcome the white hot momentum of Dennis Kuncinich.

Tennis great John McEnroe says that he was given steroids without his knowledge for six years during his career.

People don't understand how he didn't know this and I'm thinking, well, lord knows there were never any signs.

CNBC has hired John McEnroe to host a nightly show.

It should be a lively show; the producers have already started slipping steroids in his coffee.

Britney Spears, who was married for 55 hours a few weekends ago, says that she believes in the sanctity of marriage.

Thank god, otherwise she might have done something embarrassing.

Debbie Rowe, Michael Jackson's ex-wife and the mother of two of his children, says that she's worried that he's converting the kids to Islam.

I'm thinking that should be the least of her worries.

Archaeologists in Egypt have discovered the remains of a mummified lion that was buried near Kind Tut's tomb.

Back in ancient Egpyt, when they buried a king they would also bury the king's favorite animals. I was thinking if Bill Clinton had been an Egyptian king I'll bet I know what kind of animal they would have buried with him – a cow.

Kobe Bryant has a sprained right shoulder and could miss up to three weeks.

The team doctor has prescribed rest, ice to the affected area, and if he has to assault somebody, to use his left arm.

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NBC has announced that it's canceling “Frasier”. If you haven't seen it, “Frasier” is about a guy who hosts a radio talk-show.

I don't want to give away how they wrap the show up, but it has to do with Frasier and prescription painkillers.

It's really cold here in New York. It's so cold health experts are encouraging everybody to stay indoors today if you can.

If you have to go outside today, please, wrap up any sexual transactions as quickly as possible.

It was so cold here in New York this morning I had to let my middle finger warm up before I drove to work.

Earlier today President Bush announced plans for NASA to send men to the moon and to Mars.

This is all part of his plan for deep space fundraising.

In order to pay for the missions, the President is asking Congress to increase NASA's budget by almost a billion dollars annually.

Well, this seems like the perfect time to cash in on all the goodwill and trust he's built up with the American people.

There's a new poll out that finds that more than half of American voters think the Democratic Party would do a better job than President Bush on domestic issues.

That's not surprising, since more than half the voters thought a Democrat would do a better job in 2000.

Bad news for Ben Affleck: Jennifer Lopez was seen partying with P Diddy in Miami recently.

I think J Lo and P Diddy may really be serious; they're talking postponement.

Celebrity Birthdays: Happy birthday to Andy Rooney who turns 85 today.

Or, as my mom calls him, one hot piece of ass.

He celebrated by bitching about a few close friends and relatives.

Martha Stewart has launched a new web site called MarthaTalks.com in which defends herself against charges of insider trading and obstruction of justice.

This week on her site she'll also be offering her Super Bowl picks.

Burger King is now offering a bunless Whopper, for people on low-carbohydrate diets.

That's perfect, since the Whopper is already meatless.

So now when you go into a Burger King, they're going to ask you “Would you like to try a bunless Whopper?” – no, wait a minute, that's an old Bill Clinton pickup line.

The woman who found a condom in her clam chowder has settled her lawsuit with the restaurant.

She claims she suffered emotional distress – and that she now has a thing for the Gorton's Fisherman.

Paris Hilton has been named the worst dressed woman of 2003.

That's surprising because if there's one thing I think of when I think of Paris Hilton, it's good taste.

Diana Ross has agreed to plead guilty to drunken driving charges from an arrest a year ago.

As part of the deal, she's agreed to refrain from drinking and to stay at least 500 feet away from Whitney Houston.

Fox has a new reality show called “My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance” in which a woman tries to win $1 million by going through with a marriage to a fat, obnoxious jerk.

The twist is the woman doesn't know the whole thing is a joke: Rush Limbaugh is already married.

Germany has decided to do away with its military draft.

Apparently they feel that a fully volunteer army is still more than capable of taking over France.

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Martha Stewart has launched a new web site to tell her side of the story called MarthaTalks.com,

If you want to help with her legal expenses, she has a place on the site where you can donate insider information.

President Bush is back from his big trip to Mexico to meet with President Vicente Fox.

The meeting got off to a really good start when President Bush offered him amnesty.

In fact, the meeting went so well, Bush has invited Fox to visit his ranch in Texas later this year.

President Bush extended the invitation personally, by learning how to say “35 day vacation” in Spanish.

President Bush is going to announce later this week plans for manned missions to the moon and to Mars.

He's going to propose boldly going where no Halliburton man has gone before.

41 year-old Roger Clemens has come out of retirement and signed a one-year contract with the Houston Astros.

They were able to lure him out of retirement by offering him $5 million, the chance to play near his home – and a Red lobster discount card

The Transportation Safety Administration is going to start color-coding all airline passengers according to his or her potential threat level.

Here's how it's going to work: Each passenger will be given one of three colors, red, yellow or green. Green means you a low threat, yellow means you're a moderate threat – and red means you're Courtney love.

NASA's Mars rover is almost ready to roll off its lander and explore the chemical composition of the surface.

The rover has this robotic arm that will scoop up some soil, analyze it with on board instruments and send the data back to Earth where it will be scrutinized by a team of Halliburton scientists.

NBC has announced that, after 11 seasons, it's canceling “Frasier”.

This means that “Frasier” will be going to the usual place hit shows go when NBC is done with them – CBS.

I saw a sure sign today that there's going to be more violence in the Middle East – gas prices are going up again.

The price of gasoline jumped 7 cents a gallon over the past three weeks, the biggest price hike since last February.

This is forcing President Bush is once again considering alternative energy sources: Iran, Saudi Arabia, United Arab Emirates…

British Prime Minister Tony Blair said that we may never find Saddam Hussein's weapons of mass destruction.

He said it's as hard as finding a needle in a haystack – or OJ's knife.

Ashton Kutcher says he and Demi Moore have no plans to get married any time soon.

Apparently they're having trouble finding a 55-hour window when they're both available for the marriage and annulment.

The cast of “Survivor: All-Stars” has been announced.

Let's see, there's Colby, Rupert, Ethan, Lex, Rudy – no, wait, I'm sorry, that's the New York Yankees new starting rotation.

I believe this is the show where all these players from previous “Survivors” get stranded on a deserted island without much food or water to compete in weird challenges and try to win a job working for Donald Trump.

Not to give anything away, but things get really interesting when one tribe accuses another of having weapons of mass destruction.

The other night on Afghanistan TV – for the first time ever – they broadcast a woman singing.

It was a little riske; she performed without a headscarf – and then she made out with Madonna.

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It was so cold here in New York this weekend that I had to get a jump-start for my hooker.

Officials are reminding everyone that, before you get going, you should make sure to let your hooker idle for a good ten minutes.

It was so cold my cab driver was wearing a down turban.

It was so cold I saw a squirrel in Central Park defrosting his nuts.

Celebrity birthdays: Rush Limbaugh turned 53 today.

His celebrated with his favorite cake: chocolate, with oxycontin icing.

Celebrity birthdays: Howard Stern turned 50 today.

He celebrated with a few close friends and lesbians.

NASA says that its Mars rover has fully unfolded itself and stretched up to its full 4-foot, 11-inch height.

Wait, I'm sorry, that was Howard Dean.

The scientists say the rover will be leaving its landing pad and could reach the martian surface Wednesday night or Thursday morning – depending on the traffic.

The success of the NASA rover is already paying off. They say the rover technology is having a direct application to the next version of Al Gore.

The Department of Homeland Security has lowered the national terror threat alert level back to yellow.

So, from now on, flights will once again only be delayed or canceled for the usual reasons – drunk pilots.

Here in New York, we're going to remain on high alert.

So, if you're coming to New York, you can still expect a lot of long lines and frisking – and that's just to get a hooker.

Former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill says in a new book that the George Bush has been planning to invade Iraq since he became president.

This means that as far back as early 2001, the Bush Administration had absolutely no plan for a post-war Iraq.

O'Neill also said that at cabinet meetings President Bush was like a blind man in a roomful of deaf people.

That's funny because Bill Clinton was like a blind man in a roomful of strippers.

Good news: subway crime in New York has fallen to its lowest level in 34 years.

It's been weeks since I had to barter for my life on the subway.

It's been weeks since I had to shove a dead body over to get a seat on the subway.

New York City has been ranked the 5th most stressful city in the country.

You can see that everybody's more stressed out. They're smoking more, they're drinking more – and that's just the rats.

Michael Jackson has moved into a new home in Beverly Hills.

He bought it because of the spectacular views: the elementary school, the middle school...

Before he moved in he checked out all the usual stuff: the bedrooms the bathrooms – the schools.

McDonald's has begun to display posters and brochures that reveal the amount of fat and carbs that are in some of its meals.

So what they're going to do is, each item on the menu is going to be marked as a low fat item, a full fat item or a Dick Cheney item.

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Britney Spears got married over the weekend and several hours later had the marriage annulled.

If she doesn't watch out, people might start getting the impression that she's promiscuous.

Britney's ex-husband has already hired an adviser to help him field business offers.

They say he's currently considering a number of other drunken marriage proposals.

NASA officials say that the Mars rover is having some minor problems.

That's why I always make sure to change my oil every 3 million miles.

NASA officials are now saying, if they had it to do all over again, they wouldn't have bought the floor model.

Madonna has officially endorsed Democratic presidential candidate Wesley Clark.

She says he's the coolest guy named “Wesley” she's ever met.

Pete Rose has a new book out in which he admits to betting on baseball while he managed the Cincinnati Reds, but says he never placed a bet from his office. But now several of his former associates are saying that he's still lying and that he did place bets from his office.

Pete says it was just a misunderstanding – he wasn't placing bets, he was ordering steroids.

A new reality show called “The Apprentice” debuted tonight over on NBC, where 16 people compete in all sorts of tasks to win a job working for Donald Trump.

If these people are so desperate to work for an egomaniacal dictator with bad hair, they don't need to go on a reality show – they can work for me.

Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich brought a pie chart to a debate on the radio earlier this week.

Well, at least we know now that he's presidential material.

Now I can see why they call him a “Bush Democrat”.

Pepsi has announced that they will begin selling their cola in Iraq soon.

That's a good idea. Lots of sugar and caffeine should really help to calm things down there.

McDonald's restaurants in London are going to begin offering wireless internet access.

They're hoping this will help make up for the drop in business since Al Roker and Star Jones had their stomachs stapled.

Congratulations to Courteney Cox Arquette of “Friends” who is pregnant with her first child.

You really know a show's at the end of its run when one of the stars has a baby – kind of like this show.

ESPN Deportes, a Spanish language version of ESPN, debuted this week.

I watched it last night and I saw a drunken Joe Namath hit on some chicks in Spanish.

David Gest says he's still recuperating from injuries he sustained when Liza Minelli assaulted him.

He says that whenever he watches “Arthur”, he gets a blinding headache – no, I'm sorry, that's me.

The family of George Harrison has accused one of the doctors who treated him before he died of forcing him to sign his name for an autograph on his deathbed.

Coincidentally, that's the same way Anna Nicole Smith got her last husband to sign their marriage certificate.

A Wisconsin man is threatening to sue his cable company, saying he's addicted to TV.

Don't laugh. Apparently the guy almost overdosed on a New Year's Eve “Gilligan's Island” marathon.

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If you haven't heard, Britney Spears got married over the weekend and several hours later had the marriage annulled.

Her friends say Britney has been taking the breakup hard. They say it may be weeks before she's ready for another drunken marriage.

We're still under Code Orange alert and security's still really tight here in New York.

This morning on my way to work my cab was escorted by fighter jets.

NASA has released high resolution, color pictures of Mars from the Spirit rover, showing a barren landscape strewn with rocks – no, wait, I'm sorry, those were pictures of Mike Wallace's colon.

President Bush telephoned to congratulate the mission team.

Things were a bit awkward at first when the President asked to speak to Captain Kirk

Pete Rose has a new book out where he finally admits to betting on baseball.

He's really going a bit overboard with these admissions now. Today he admitted to giving Martha Stewart insider stock information.

In his new book, Pete Rose has admitted to a gambling addiction, but he says he only got hooked on gambling to get off his addiction to rosin.

Michael Jackson's former manager has come out to say that he doesn't think Michael is guilty and that he's just eccentric and misunderstood.

Well thank god he cleared that up.

Isn't that kind of like saying Bill Clinton just has a wandering eye?

President Bush has unveiled a new plan to allow immigrants to enter the United States if they have jobs.

So, for example, if they already have jobs lined up as governors of large states – boom, they're in.

Hillary Clinton has apologized for joking that Mahatma Gandhi used to run a gas station in St. Louis at a fund-raiser last weekend.

I'm not sure yet if she's presidential material, but she's definitely late night talk show host material.

This is kind of exciting news. I was voted America's second favorite TV personality behind Oprah in a recent poll of viewers.

We're sharing the title – I finished first in the coaches poll.

A man has been fined $500 for entering a restricted zone around President Bush.

You know, President Clinton had a restricted zone too – but it didn't cost any money to get in.

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Last night's crowd was ugly.

Half of them had just had their marriage to Britney Spears annulled.

If you haven't heard, Britney Spears got married over the weekend and has already had the marriage annulled.

Her relationship with Madonna lasted longer than that.

Pete Rose has a new book out where he finally admits to betting on baseball.

When my mom heard about this she said “Of course he bet on baseball – that bastard still owes me money!”

After years of lying Pete's admitting to lots of stuff now and it's getting silly. Today he admitted to having a weapons of mass destruction program.

NASA's Spirit rover successfully landed on Mars over the weekend.

Nobody was more excited about the successful landing than Pete Rose – he had two bills riding on it.

The rover has already started to look for signs that life once existed on the planet.

NASA scientists think they may have found one of the sure signs that life once existed on the planet – spider holes.

They haven't found any signs of life yet, but President Bush is confident they're there and they'll be found.

Pat Robertson said he believes God has told him President Bush will be re-elected in a “blowout” in November.

That'd make Bush the first president involved in a “blowout” since, well, Bill Clinton.

A federal panel has ruled that Monica Lewinsky is not entitled to be reimbursed for $1.1 million in legal fees related to the independent counsel investigation of President Bill Clinton

President Clinton is being pretty great about this, since he feels responsible. He says if she'd come by his office, he's sure they could work something out.

Jury selection began today in the Martha Stewart trial.

They're having trouble finding jurors who don't know anything about this case. So far, all they have is one guy they pulled out of a spider hole.

Martha has already pleaded innocent and says she was a fair but firm ruler.

Former Senator Bill Bradley has endorsed Howard Dean for president.

Let's see, now he's got Al Gore and Bill Bradley behind him – yep, that should sew up the tall, boring white guy vote.

American and Russian flight controllers are saying that air is slowly leaking from the International Space Station.

They say they haven't seen a drop in hot air like this since Rush Limbaugh was in rehab.

A man has pleaded guilty to threatening to kill Hillary Clinton.

His plan was to send her a dozen roses signed from Bill; she would've dropped dead from a heart attack.

A new study finds that U.S. has the most obese teenagers in the world.

That's what we get for reducing teen smoking.

The U.S. has begun to fingerprint and photograph any visitors who must have a visa to enter the United States.

They've got these new computers to take the fingerprints and pictures – so they won't have to disturb any sleeping security guards.

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Happy New Year! It's 2004 but I'm still writing 2003 on my police reports.

I was almost late to the show today. My ride to work was cancelled after my cab driver turned up on a list of terrorist suspects.

Of course, it was a Code Orange New Year, so, to be safe, on New Year's Eve we duct taped my Uncle Earl

My mom went down to the big New Years Eve celebration in Times Square and she said the security was so tight even she was frisked.

It turned out she was just groped by Dick Clark.

They're saying that security in Times Square during New Year's Eve was tighter than Dick Clark's face.

I did something pretty exciting and crazy over Christmas that perhaps you saw on TV.

I dangled my newborn son Harry in front of a hungry crocodile.

“Crocodile Hunter” Steve Irwin was shown on TV trying to lure a crocodile by dangling his newborn son in front if it.

Coincidentally, that's the same way they got Michael Jackson to turn himself in.

Britney Spears got married on Saturday and had it annulled later that day.

This marriage was short even by Hollywood standards. Hell, this marriage was shorter than her kiss with Madonna.

The marriage was doomed as soon as she wanted to consummate it by having sex with Madonna.

Coalition officials in Iraq say that Saddam Hussein is starting to talk.

Reportedly, he's finally ready to admit that he bet on baseball.

In a new autobiography Pete Rose has finally admitted he bet on baseball while manager of the Cincinnati Reds.

Apparently what he did was, he'd send his housekeeper out to place the bets.

Al-Jazeera has aired another audiotape believed to be of Osama bin Laden.

They know it was a recent tape because he talks about getting his marriage to Britney Spears annulled.

NASA's Spirit rover has successfully landed on Mars and broadcast images back to Earth.

This means that even NASA now has a younger audience than CBS.

These are some of the most unbelievable images I've seen on TV since the Michael Jackson interview on “60 Minutes”.

Many engineers and scientists spent thousands of dateless nights to make this happen.

Michael Jackson said during an interview on “60 Minutes” last week that he suffered a dislocated shoulder when police were rough with him during his arrest last month.

He's really upset because they injured his fondling arm.

New York City finished 2003 with 596 murders, second in the country behind Chicago with 599.

Damn – just a quadruple murder away from being number one!

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