From July 2003 until October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN. I wrote and submitted about 10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used. But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get paid for it!

Dave is one of my top two all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It never, ever got old.

This section displays all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is). Use the archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.

Jokes highlighted in bold were used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention. You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by Jay and Carson and Jimmy) on my Late Night Jokes page.

Enjoy!

The Department of Homeland Security raised the U.S. terror threat level from elevated to high this weekend.

Once this happened, all of the usual security measures kicked into place – Halliburton raised their oil prices.

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Here in New York Mayor Bloomberg has ordered a new security clampdown and told everyone to expect time-consuming checkpoint stops at major entry points, like bridges, tunnels and hookers.

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There's a new audiotape from Al Qaeda in which Osama bin Laden's top deputy warns that they're going to target American's in their homeland.

They're going to target Mexico?

Osama bin Laden himself reportedly wasn't in the video because he's off filming “Survivor: All Stars”.

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There are reports now that Saddam Hussein was captured only after he had been taken prisoner by Kurdish forces, drugged and abandoned for American soldiers to recover him.

Interestingly, that's the same way they finally caught Martha Stewart.

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Libya has announced that they're going to dismantle their weapons of mass destruction programs.

This is good news for the United States – well, except for Halliburton stockholders.

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Hall of Fame quaterback Joe Namath told ESPN's Suzy Kolber that he wanted to kiss her during an interview on Saturday night.

I always knew he was a great quarterback, but who knew he was also presidential material?

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Al Gore's son was arrested on Friday for marijuana possession after he was pulled over by police.

Police said they became suspicious he was on something when they realized he was Al Gore's son and he had a personality.

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Martha Stewart says this is the saddest holiday season ever for her.

She says she hasn't even decorated her spider hole this year.

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A spokesman for Michael Jackson says he's “fighting mad” about the charges of child molestation against him.

Here's how mad he is – he had his plastic surgeon put a frowny face on him.

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Michael Jackson's brother Jermaine says Michael suffered a dislocated shoulder when he was arrested last month.

Apparently, they dislocated his shoulder when they pulled him out of that spider hole.

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There's a new John Lennon DVD out and in it, Yoko Ono has edited herself into the video for “#9 Dream” to make it look like she was singing backup vocals on the song, which she didn't.

Experts knew this couldn't have happened because the woman on the record could actually sing.

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They unveiled the plans for the new Freedom Tower here in New York last week that will be built on the World Trade Center site. It's going to the world's tallest building at 1,776 feet.

Officials say that when it's completed, tens of thousands of people a year are expected to urinate from the top of the building.

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New York City just gets crowded and nuts at this time of year with thousands of tourists – and that's just the rats.

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You can tell it's almost Christmas here in New York.

Earlier today I was walking through Central Park and I saw a squirrel wrapping his nuts

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Christmas is great for the local businesses here in New York.

Earlier today I saw some tourists ordering the green hot dogs from a street vendor.

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Here at CBS we had our big holiday party and I brought mom along.

It was great until she got loaded and took a swing at Morley Safer.

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Here at CBS we had our big holiday party and I brought Harry along.

I spent the whole night saying “This is Harry – and no, I'm not his grandfather.”

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This may seem silly, but every Christmas Eve I still do the same thing that my mom taught me to do when I was a little boy: I leave out a plate of cookies and a glass of whiskey for Santa.

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Of course we all remember the names of Santa's eight reindeer, right? Let's see there's Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Kucinich and Blitzen.

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Of course we all remember the names of Santa's eight reindeer, right? Let's see there's Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and Vixen. Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen – no wait, I'm sorry, those are the Democratic presidential candidates.

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It's the time of year where I give out Christmas tips to all the usual people: the paperboy, the mailman, the milkman – that guy who mugs me on the subway each morning.

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This was nice. My mom called me this weekend and said “David, there are Christmas carolers outside my door right now.”

I said “Mom, for the love of god don't shoot!”

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(Thursday) Celebrity birthdays: Keith Richards turns 60 today.

He celebrated by overdosing on Lipitor.

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(Friday) Hanukkah begins tonight.

This means that for the next eight days mom won't drink until after sundown.

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Sources say that the U.S. military is holding Saddam Hussein in the Baghdad area.

They know this because his Christmas cards are all postmarked from Baghdad.

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Coalition officials are trying to get Saddam Hussein to talk by showing him videotapes of the torture of prisoners during his reign.

It doesn't seem to be working; he says he's enjoying it more than the Paris Hilton video.

When he saw the videos they say he was so embarrassed that he just wanted to crawl into a hole.

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Officials in Iraq say Saddam Hussein is defiant and deranged and that he insists that he's still president of Iraq.

Here's how crazy he is: he's also officially endorsed Howard Dean for president.

They say Saddam is refusing to acknowledge the desperate circumstances he's in and that he's demanding to be treated with respect.

No, I'm sorry – that's Martha Stewart.

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Saddam's defense lawyers are trying to get him unsupervised visits with his parents.

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A judge has ruled that John Hinckley Jr., the man who tried to assassinate former President Ronald Reagan, will be allowed to leave his mental hospital unsupervised to visit his parents.

Well, spending time with his parents should certainly help his mental state.

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Mayor Bloomberg says it looks like we'll have fewer than 600 murders in New York this year.

It's going to be close. It depends how out-of-hand “Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve” gets.

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Child molestation charges have been officially filed against Michael Jackson.

Legal analysts say the only thing Michael has going for him is they have to find a jury of his peers – good luck finding those people.

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Reports say that Michael Jackson has converted to Islam.

Sounds like another shrewd public relations maneuver.

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Pope John Paul II has seen “The Passion,” Mel Gibson's new movie about the life of Christ, and has given it his approval.

The pope said it's the best movie he's seen since the Paris Hilton video.

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President Bush had a MRI on each of knees earlier today.

His doctors say his knees are fine and he should able to perform a full range of fundraising activities.

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A retired schoolteacher has come forward to claim that she is the illegitimate mixed-race daughter of the late Sen. Strom Thurmond.

Interestingly, former President Bill Clinton fathered enough illegitimate children to fill a schoolhouse.

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Democratic presidential candidate Wesley Clark said yesterday that if he were president, he would have captured Osama bin Laden by now.

Not to be outdone, Al Gore said if he was president – wait a minute, he was elected president.

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Two Americans have agreed to pay $20 million each to take a trip to the international space station.

This is interesting: today $20 million gets you a ride on the space station; back when Bill Clinton was president $20 million would only get you a night in the Lincoln Bedroom.

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Saddam Hussein's oldest daughter Raghad says that she and her sister still support their father.

If a tyrant like Saddam can still get along with his kids, I'm thinking there's hope for me.

Some people will do anything to stay in the will.

She says the family believes that Saddam was drugged after he surrendered to American troops.

They said they became suspicious that he was on drugs when he started talking about feminazis and ditto heads.

She says the family will hire the best lawyers it can find to defend Saddam.

Even Johnnie Cochran's staying away from this one. He said he only represents Hesiman trophy winning murderers.

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They say Saddam gave himself up without a fight.

My mom put a bigger fight when tried to put her in rehab.

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Coalition officials are trying to trip up Saddam Hussein by showing him videotapes of the torture and execution of prisoners during his reign.

If it works on Saddam, they're going to try the same thing on Martha Stewart.

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Today is the 100th anniversary of the Wright brothers' first flight.

President Bush marked the occasion by flying to 100 different fundraisers.

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President Bush signed a law yesterday to help curb unsolicited email, or spam.

Afterwards he celebrated by sending out a mass fundraising email.

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New FBI crime stats find that New York is the safest city in the country with more than 1 million residents.

Here's how safe things are in New York now – I've taken 911 off of my cell phone speedial.

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Scientists at Harvard have found that the Earth's magnetic field is getting weaker and may someday collapse.

They found this by noting that Al Gore no longer points to magnetic north.

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Christmas is just over a week away and I'm pretty excited about it.

This year I'm having the whole family over to my house for mom's intervention.

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Madonna has endorsed Democratic presidential candidate Wesley Clark.

She chose him because of all of the Democratic presidential candidates, his wife is the best kisser.

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Ozzy Osbourne's wife Sharon says it will probably take him six months to fully recover from his quad bike crash last week.

The good news is he should be able to do everything he did before the crash – absolutely nothing.

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“The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King” opened around the country today.

Good luck to anybody who needed tech support today.

I went to see it. My favorite part was when they pulled the evil sorcerer Sauron from a spider hole.

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A lot of people are really happy that Saddam Hussein has been captured, but some people are taking the news pretty hard.

This morning my cab driver barely had enough heart to yell “Death to America” at me.

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President Bush is pretty relieved that Saddam Hussein has been captured.

Now he can finally focus on his reelection fundraising.

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Saddam's interrogators say that he has been defiant and a wise-ass during questioning.

No, I'm sorry – that's what Martha Stewart's interrogators said.

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Officials say that they're considering all legal methods to get Saddam to talk – like sending him on “Oprah”.

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Apparently, they did find some papers with Saddam that have led to the arrests of other Iraqi insurgents.

Over on Fox News today I saw them pulling my cab driver from a spider hole.

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Saddam is going to be put on trial in Iraq, with the U.S. providing advice and assistance.

We've already sent some of our top prosecutors over there to help teach the Iraqis how to blow open-and-shut cases against celebrities.

The first piece of advice we gave them: don't hold the trial on the west coast.

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Since he's been in custody, Saddam Hussein has gotten a taste of how we treat people here in the west.

Like after he was captured and we gave him a thorough medical exam – he had to pay a $10 co-payment.

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New York City is now requiring that social service agencies provide translators in Spanish, Chinese, Russian, Korean, Creole and Arabic to their clients.

English speakers are out of luck.

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Good news: Doctors say that Ozzy Osbourne has been taken off a ventilator and can now talk to his wife again after crashing his quad bike last week.

Unfortunately, it was easier for her to understand him when he was on the ventilator.

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It's Christmas time in New York City and they're saying there are more tourists in the city this holiday season than we've had since the 2001 terrorist attacks.

So be aware if you're coming to New York over the holidays, you may have to wait up to an hour for a hooker.

The police are taking a lot more 911 calls from out-of-towners than in past years.

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The Santa Barbara district attorney is expecting to file formal charges against Michael Jackson later this week.

Officials say this is just the first in a long series of legal steps that in the end just won't matter.

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Winona Ryder was praised in court yesterday by the judge in her shoplifting case for abiding by the rules of her probation.

Winona had no comments for the press as she left the courthouse wearing a black robe.

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Coalition forces captured Saddam Hussein on Saturday near Tikrit.

That's the good news. The bad news is Halliburton's charging the government $61 million for it.

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I turned on the TV yesterday morning, and the news is showing this disheveled looking guy, with long crazy hair and beard who's been arrested and I thought “Oh my god, they've busted Nick Nolte again.”

He looked just like Al Gore looked after he'd been out of office for eight months.

I almost didn't recognize him until they cleaned him up and gave him a queer makeover.

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After he was captured, military doctors gave him a thorough check up including an oral exam.

He's the first world leader to get an oral exam like that since Bill Clinton was president.

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Apparently, they found Saddam hiding in a hole in the ground, equipped with a rudimentary ventilation system and camouflaged with bricks and dirt.

It was the same kind of place they found Martha Stewart hiding in.

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Along with Saddam they found an old taxi and say he was getting around by pretending to be a cab driver.

Well, there was his problem: if he was hiding out here in New York, he could've driven a cab for years without being discovered.

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President Bush celebrated the capture by holding a hastily scheduled fundraiser.

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When he was first discovered, Saddam identified himself and spoke English with his captors.

The first thing he said was “I am Saddam Hussein. I am the president of Iraq and I want to endorse Howard Dean for president.”

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In the house where he was staying they found some candy bars, hot dogs and a can of 7-UP.

No, I'm sorry – that was what they found in Rush Limbaugh's house.

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Saddam will be tried by an Iraqi war crimes tribunal.

His lawyers are already pushing for a trial in a friendlier venue – like California.

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Saddam has reportedly been defiant and unhelpful with his interrogators.

He's refused to accept responsibility for his actions as dictator; he's blaming it all on his addiction to prescription painkillers.

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The Democratic presidential candidates all said it was great news. For eaxample, John Kerry said it was “Great f'ing news”.

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Congratulations to Mick Jagger who was knighted by Prince Charles last week.

Prince Charles bestowed the honor by touching him lightly on each shoulder with a sword – and giving him a queer makeover.

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Thank god you people are here tonight. I don't like to talk about people when they're not here, but last Friday's audience was rough.

I think they all came here after they found out there were no more flu shots left.

They say that this is a bad year for the flu. The government has recommended that all babies and senior citizens get flu shots.

I'm thinking great, finally something that Harry and I can do together.

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Ashton Kutcher has announced that he's pulling out of the MTV show, “Punk'd,”

No word yet on when he's planning to pull out of Demi Moore.

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This is the first year I've done my Christmas shopping online – I got all of mom's gifts at whiskey.com.

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This weekend I'll be sending out my Christmas cards. I've got lots of big news from this year to tell people about – the birth of my son Harry and mom finally getting off of prescription painkillers.

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Secretary of State Colin Powell this week named singer James Brown the Secretary of Soul and Foreign Minister of Funk.

Howard Dean is saying now that if he's elected president, he's promised that job to Al Gore.

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Al Gore has endorsed Democratic presidential candidate Howard Dean and is now advising him.

Dean has already taken Gore's advice and gotten himself a boring makeover.

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(Friday) Celebrity Birthdays: Bob Barker turns 80 today.

Here's how long Bob Barker's been around: he remembers when Mike Wallace turned 80.

CBS had a nice party for him with a marble cake: half Lipitor and half Viagra.

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(Thursday) Celebrity Birthdays: Jermaine Jackson turns 49 today.

His little brother Michael held a surprise birthday slumber party for him.

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The U.S. government is barring companies from countries that opposed the Iraq war from bidding on reconstruction contracts.

In order to bid on a contract, your company needs to either be in a country that supported the war or in Dick Cheney's stock portfolio.

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Singer Bobby Brown has been arrested and charged with battery after hitting his wife Whitney Houston over the weekend.

If convicted, he could be sentenced to up to 5 years in a marriage with Liza Minelli.

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Congratulations to singer R. Kelly for winning four awards at the Billboard Music Awards last night.

His awards included the Michael Jackson Lifetime Achievement award for his work with kids.

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The Atlanta Falcons fired head coach Dan Reeves yesterday.

Apparently, he failed a drug test; he tested positive for Lipitor.

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A graduate student at the University of Michigan has calculated the largest known prime number in the world; it's over 6 million digits long.

Interestingly, that's about the same number of women who've turned him down for a date.

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Newly released White House tapes show that Richard Nixon thought Ronald Reagan was “strange” and “not pleasant to be around”.

No, wait, I'm sorry – he was talking about Donald Rumsfeld.

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The Iraqi Governing Council has created a war crimes tribunal and may try Saddam Hussein in absentia.

This means Saddam Hussein has about as much of a chance of going to jail as Michael Jackson.

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Here in New York we're still digging out from the big blizzard over the weekend.

That big mound of snow in front of theater is finally starting to melt and it turns out there was a hot dog vendor underneath.

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An earthquake measuring 4.5 on the Richter scale hit central Virginia yesterday.

Here's how strong this earthquake was: it was felt at fundraisers for President Bush from Washington D.C. to North Carolina.

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Whitney Houston has accused husband Bobby Brown of hitting her in the face during an argument this past weekend.

Apparently she was bogarting the crack pipe.

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Andrew Firestone from “The Bachelor” has broken up with the girl he picked on the show.

Sounds like the “the Bachelor” is going to become reacquainted with “the hand”.

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There was another debate between the Democratic presidential candidates last night.

This was the last debate before they start voting people out at tribal council.

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Al Gore has endorsed Howard Dean for the Democratic presidential nomination.

Hillary Clinton is expected to make her own phony, self-serving endorsement soon.

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Scientists are warning that global warming could cause three of India's largest cities to become submerged beneath the sea by 2020.

So if you think it's hard to get a cab in New York now, just wait about 20 years.

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The Iraqi governing council has voted to create a war crimes tribunal to try people for crimes against humanity.

More bad news for Martha Stewart.

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President Bush has warned Taiwan not to take any steps towards independence from China.

Bush said if they want to be liberated, they'll have to do it the old fashioned way – by US invasion.

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A restaurant owned by Ashton Kutcher was robbed last week at 7:00 am while workers were cleaning up.

Fortunately he wasn't there at the time of the robbery – he was in homeroom.

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Congratulations to astronaut Michael Foale who's currently on the International Space Station and who yesterday set an American record for the most accumulated time in space: 231 days.

This means nobody in the U.S. has been in outer space longer than he has – except for Michael Jackson.

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CBS is reportedly once again considering airing a Michael Jackson special later this month.

CBS calls it a “special”; other networks call it a “preliminary hearing”.

The special would include an interview with Ed Bradley from “60 Minutes”.

Ed Bradley is very excited about doing this interview – you know, being on camera with a black man who's whiter than he is.

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Doctors say that Ozzy Osbourne is still on a ventilator after fracturing eight ribs and a vertebra in an all terrain vehicle crash on Monday.

Gee, I hope this doesn't make it hard to understand him.

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A new study by the Parents Television Council has found that violence on TV has increased dramatically over recent years.

The study found that the shows with the least amount of violent activity are New York Jets games.

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Here in New York we're still digging out from the big snow storm over the weekend.

In fact, there's still so much snow on the ground that Mayor Bloomberg is asking people, please, if you don't absolutely need to come into the city, stay home and order a prostitute in.

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The big storm has really hit businesses here in the city hard – pickpockets, muggers and hookers were all affected.

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We were snowed in at my house over the weekend. My mom was staying with us and by Saturday night she'd already gone through all the liquor and was into the Nyquil.

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Al Gore has endorsed Howard Dean for the Democratic presidential nomination.

That should sew up the boring white guy vote.

This means that from now until the election, Al Gore will go around the country making boring speeches in support of Howard Dean.

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One of the women who accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping her is suing him for defamation after she made her charges.

She claims he treated her like she was the English language.

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Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry used the f-word in an interview in Rolling Stone.

I'm not sure he's presidential material – it's one thing to say it, but another thing to do it.

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A guy in Manhattan has been found with more than 80 species of turtles in his apartment.

When he was asked why he had all those turtles, he had a pretty good explanation – he couldn't afford tigers.

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Ozzy Osbourne was seriously injured Monday after he had an accident riding an all terrain vehicle.

Doctor's say his injuries are not life threatening and that he should eventually be able to return to a completely abnormal lifestyle.

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New York City has agreed to pay Democratic presidential candidate Al Sharpton $200,000 in damages after he was stabbed last year at a protest where he said police failed to protect him.

He's so pleased with this outcome that he's going to hold a $10,000-a-stabbing fundraiser.

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Congratulations to Gwyneth Paltrow who recently got married and is pregnant with her first child.

There's nothing I hate more than a celebrity having a child out of wedlock.

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New Jersey is allowing hunters to hunt for bears for the first time in 33 years.

That's bad news for all those big, burly creatures in New Jersey that sleep and do nothing all winter – like the Giants and Jets.

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Here in New York we had a big snowstorm over the weekend. Before the storm, people were rushing to the supermarket to stock up on supplies. For example, I saw a couple of rats at a convenience store loading up on coffee and cigarettes.

Over at my house, we had a crisis during the storm. We ran out of diapers. Luckily, we didn't run out of anything for the baby.

Over in Times Square, in order to help people get better traction, they salted down the hookers.

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Michael Jackson and his managers are developing a television special they hope to sell to Fox.

It's going to be called “When Freaks Attack”.

This would be his first television appearance since “America's Most Wanted”.

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Hillary Clinton insisted again on “Meet the Press” this weekend that she's not going to run for president in 2004.

And if there's one thing we can all count on, it's the word of a Clinton.

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The New York Mets have signed Japanese baseball star Kazuo Matsui.

He says it's always been his dream to play in the Major Leagues – and he hasn't given up hope of getting there someday.

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Oprah Winfrey says in the latest issue of Time magazine that she has vowed to never go on “The Late Show” again.

I didn't even realize that she had made a sex video.

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Democratic presidential candidate Al Sharpton was the guest host on “Saturday Night Live” this past weekend.

Just to prove he's still relevant, Bill Clinton has agreed to guest star in the next Paris Hilton video

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Aides to President Bush say he is soon going to call for the U.S space program to return to the Moon.

President Bush is vowing, before the end of the decade, to put Haliburton on the moon.

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The California legislature has rejected Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger's proposed budget plan.

He's not giving up, though. He was rejected when he first asked for group sex, too.

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Ozzy Osbourne is claiming that it was too many prescription drugs that caused his bizarre behavior on “The Osbournes”.

He said that's the last time he'll ever hire one of Rush Limbaugh's old housekeepers.

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U.S. counterterrorism officials save they've been hearing increased chatter about a possible terrorist attack during the holidays.

Apparently, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are talking about making another movie.

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Mayor Michael Bloomberg lit the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree last week.

City officials estimate that by the end of the Christmas season, tens of thousands of tourists will be mugged under the tree.

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