Chumworth on the News – 2003

Today I saw a sure sign it's the cold and flu season here in New York.

Over at the Hello Deli they've tripled the price of the chicken soup.

Paris Hilton was originally supposed to be a guest on tonight's show but she cancelled.

She decided she didn't want to come on and plug her new direct-to-video movie.

On the bright side, we're still going to show clips from her new movie.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has proposed $1.9 billion in budget cuts for this year, including cuts to education, health and human services.

They say he's taking a hatchet to the budget like he does to the English language.

Aides say he's taken to the task of reducing the deficit like he took to group sex.

Michael Jackson's lawyer says the singer was secretly videotaped on his flight from Las Vegas to Santa Barbara last week.

Reportedly the video shows Michael smiling and laughing during the plane ride – and having sex with Paris Hilton.

A choreographer for Britney Spears and 'N Sync has come forward to say that he shared a bed with Michael Jackson as a child and that nothing strange happened.

Well, it certainly sounds like he's turned out perfectly normal.

President Bush's brother Neil Bush has admitted during a deposition for his divorce that he had sex with women who showed up at his hotel room during trips to Asia.

Sounds like there's another Bush with presidential aspirations.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, which means this is the busiest time of the year for traveling. AAA estimates that over 30 million people will travel by car over the next three days.

And that's just the people investigating Michael Jackson.

The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration is advising anybody that's going to travel by car this Thanksgiving holiday to wear a seat belt, refrain from drinking and driving – and watch out for Glen Campbell.

Actor Sean Penn is considering going to Iraq to cover the situation there for the San Francisco Chronicle.

This would be the first account of the Iraq situation by somebody who's actually on the government's 55 most wanted list.

The U.S. government reported yesterday that the economy grew at 8.2 percent in the third quarter, the fastest pace since 1984.

The bad news is economists are expecting a big drop-off in the fourth quarter – when the full effects of Rush Limbaugh being off prescription painkillers are felt.

The U.S. Congress has passed a $400 billion plan to overhaul Medicare so that it will now cover prescription drugs for seniors.

Experts say most of that $400 billion cost will come when Rush Limbaugh turns 65.

Twenty-five baggage handlers at John F. Kennedy International Airport here in New York have been arrested on suspicion of smuggling drugs into the United States.

Officials became suspicious when too many bags started making it to their proper destinations.

Mohammed Hamdi al-Ahdal, a top Al Qaeda member and the suspected mastermind of the bombing of the USS Cole was captured in Yemen yesterday.

Police caught him after getting a tip from someone who recognized him from “Yemen's Most Wanted”.

NBC is producing a new reality show called “The Apprentice” where sixteen candidates will compete for a job as Donald Trump's apprentice.

The winner gets a $250,000-a-year job – and a prenuptial agreement.

Singer Meat Loaf had heart surgery after collapsing during a concert in London last week.

I'm not sure what's less surprising: Michael Jackson being accused of child molestation or a guy named “Meat Loaf” having heart trouble.

Doctors have advised him to take a break from touring – and change his name to Tofuloaf.

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Michael Jackson's legal team is reportedly considering an insanity defense.

I don't know – that could be a hard sell.

Authorities in California are reportedly investigating claims by 100 other children that Michael Jackson may have molested them.

If they're able to verify enough of the claims, they're going to up the charges to impersonating a priest.

Thanksgiving is almost here and you know who's really looking forward to it? Rush Limbaugh.

His housekeeper is going to make her world famous sausage and OxyContin stuffing.

In honor of the upcoming holiday, President Bush pardoned the national Thanksgiving turkey yesterday.

President Clinton used to do the same thing each Thanksgiving. He had a real soft spot for gobblers

Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge is on tonight's show.

Obviously, security's really tight here tonight. So, if a man in a dark suit frisked you on your way into the theater – we apologize; we have no idea who that guy was.

The only albino gorilla in captivity died yesterday at the Barcelona Zoo.

You know who the most famous albino in captivity is going to be now? Michael Jackson.

A new interview with Natalie Maines of the Dixie Chicks has aired in which she denounces the war in Iraq again.

The CIA has analyzed the tape and they're pretty sure it's actually Natalie Maines but they're not sure how recently it was made.

Queen Elizabeth is reportedly furious with President Bush after his recent visit caused thousands of pounds of damage to her gardens at Buckingham Palace.

She's mad because Prince Charles had just given the gardens a queer makeover.

A new poll here in America finds that more people would rather have Thanksgiving dinner with President Bush than Sen. Hillary Clinton.

And that's just a poll of the Democratic presidential candidates.

Sad news: Hall of Fame pitcher Warren Spahn died yesterday at age 82.

On the bright side, that's one less washed up superstar for the Mets to sign.

Eight of the nine Democratic presidential candidates took part in a debate last night in Iowa.

If you recall, at the last debate they voted Rupert out of the tribe.

Is it just me, or do these people looked about as believable as Michael Jackson?

Congratulations to CBS for its best performance in the November ratings sweeps in over twenty years, despite having canceled “The Reagans” and the Michael Jackson special.

Now just imagine how great we'd do if they'd only cancel this show.

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You can tell it's almost Thanksgiving here in New York.

Earlier today in Central Park I saw a squirrel basting his nuts.

Over at Macy's they're busy getting ready for the big Thanksgiving Day parade.

They've got a Jennifer Lopez balloon in this year's parade. It's going to take them two or three days just to blow up her ass.

I'm pretty excited because this will be my son Harry's first Thanksgiving – and his first official dysfunctional Letterman family gathering.

“The Cat in the Hat” was the No. 1 movie over the weekend.

The movie's about this strange, human-like creature that wears funny outfits and tries to get kids to do all sorts of crazy things with him – no, I'm sorry, that's “The Michael Jackson Story”.

Michael Jackson was officially arrested and charged with child sexual abuse last week.

This whole ordeal is having a real effect on Michael. For instance, it put a real damper on his weekend sleep-overs.

Michael Jackson's defense team has reportedly decided that their strategy will be to attack the credibility of the victim's mother and portray her as crazy and unstable.

No, I'm sorry, that's the prosecution's strategy.

They'll start out by claiming that anybody who leaves their son alone with Michael Jackson isn't very credible.

Elizabeth Taylor said that she believe Michael Jackson is innocent.

Well, that should help him in the court of public opinion.

Michael Jackson's family is really concerned about him right now.

They just want to make sure he doesn't do anything crazy.

Former President Bill Clinton has released his list of his favorite books.

Bill Clinton loves to read. In fact, there's nothing he enjoys more on a cold night than curling up with a good book in front of a roaring intern.

Over 500 people have gotten hepatitis A from eating at a Mexican restaurant near Pittsburgh.

Officials say this is the country's largest hepatitis outbreak ever from a single source that wasn't Pamela Anderson.

Patrons say they became suspicious when they got home that night and felt much sicker than they usually did after eating there.

Health officials say the source of the outbreak was a shipment of tainted green onions.

In response, restaurants around the country have begun taking appropriate safety measures. For example, over at the Hello Deli, Rupert has slashed the price of his “green onion casserole”.

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Officials in Santa Barbara County California have issued an arrest warrant for Michael Jackson on charges of child molestation.

He's been asked to turn himself in and surrender his passport and plastic surgeon.

Fortunately for him he's in California, so he should have no trouble getting a jury of his peers – freaks.

A lawyer close to the Jackson family said that Michael would turn himself in at a time and place of his own choosing.

Right now he's leaning towards a Chuck E. Cheese's or a Toys 'R Us.

When the police searched Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch earlier this week, they found things like exotic animals, a hyperbaric chamber for sleeping in, the remains of the Elephant Man – you know, nothing out of the ordinary.

CBS has canceled next week's Michael Jackson special, saying it would be inappropriate given the child molestation charges pending against him.

That's a shame, because it seemed like such a good idea when they first announced it.

Monica Lewinsky says in a new interview that ever since her affair with Bill Clinton she dates occasionally and hasn't had any long-term relationships.

Just like Bill Clinton.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says that he will forgo his salary in an effort to save the state money.

Instead, he says he'll just take a cut of the action figure sales on the back end.

Not only that, but he's also going to buy all of own his body oil.

Officials at the Steinhart Aquarium in San Francisco claim to have the world's oldest fish, a 65 year-old lungfish.

To put this in perspective, if this fish were a human, he'd be watching CBS.

Democratic Presidential candidate Wesley Clark is a guest on the show tonight.

It's going to be an exciting show; he's traveled into the future and he has this weekend's NFL scores.

A Muslin extremist web site has posted a video meant to recruit militants to fight U.S. troops in Iraq.

The video includes blurry, shaky footage of American troops under fire in Iraq – and Paris Hilton having sex.

The U.S. military has announced a $10 million reward for information leading to the capture of Saddam Hussein's top deputy, Izzat Ibrahim al-Douri.

Officials say that he's considered armed, dangerous, and likely to be driving a cab.

Authorities are reportedly investigating whether Rush Limbaugh illegally funneled money to buy prescription painkillers.

This is silly. Obviously, the only thing Rush is guilty of funneling is Ben & Jerry's.

Playboy has reportedly offered Britney Spears a seven-figure fee to pose naked in the magazine.

She said she'd only do it if it were done in a tasteful, lesbian manner.

I'm thinking this might ruin her wholesome image.

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Here in New York the holiday festivities have already begun; it starts earlier and earlier each year.

This morning my cab driver was wearing his turban with the blinking lights.

The U.S. government is creating a financial market for betting on the likelihood of terrorist attacks around the world.

For example, you'll be able to bet on the likelihood of another Ben Affleck-Jennifer Lopez movie.

President Bush left for a trip to the UK today.

When he arrived he was met by hordes of protesters and angry citizens – so he felt right at home.

President Bush loves to go the UK and meet with the Queen; they actually have a lot in common – like they're came into power without being elected.

Liza Minelli-David Gest update: Lisa is now suing him for $2 million, claiming that he stole from her.

Let this be a lesson for all you newlyweds: in order to avoid this kind of ugliness down the road, make sure to put your name in your own lingerie.

The Supreme Judicial Court of Massachusetts ruled today that gay couples cannot be denied the right to marry.

Finally, some good news for David Gest.

Here in New York they've installed 25 new public Internet phones with touchscreens.

Officials believe these new phones will be much more effective than traditional pay phones at spreading disease.

A new study has found that people with certain forms of nonfatal skin cancer are more likely to get other types of cancer.

As soon as I heard this news I went out and bought a hairpiece with UV protection.

68 year-old Luciano Pavarotti says he's going to marry his girlfriend who recently gave birth to an infant daughter, and that he wants to have another child.

Wow, he's a first time dad at 68 years old. It makes me glad I started my family early.

The Beatles “Let It Be ... Naked” was released in the U.S. today

What they did was they took the original album and they removed all the extraneous junk – like Yoko Ono.

Happy Birthday to Mickey Mouse, who debuted on screen 75 years ago today in “Steamboat Willie”.

“Steamboat Willie” was the debut of Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse – and Monica the slutty intern.

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Arnold Schwartzenegger officially became governor of California today

Well thank god all the craziness is finally over out there.

There were no big inaugural parties or celebrations.

Arnold celebrated quietly with a few close fiends by having dinner – and some group sex.

Today was Rush Limbaugh's first day back on the air since getting out of rehab.

You could tell right away he was a changed man; he opened his show by endorsing Howard Dean for president.

President Bush is leaving tomorrow on a trip to the UK.

Aides say he's been busy preparing for the trip – you know, boning up on the language.

Officials say they're not sure how the trip is going to go – you know, with the language barrier and all.

A new audiotape from Saddam Hussein was broadcast this weekend.

We know it was recent because he congratulated me on becoming a father.

Here in New York they've installed 25 new public Internet phones, where people can check their email and even take pictures of themselves.

The phones charge 25 cents per minutes of use, plus 50 cents for each photo you take – no wait, I'm sorry, that's what the hookers charge.

John Hinckley Jr., the man who shot President Reagan in 1981, says that he is no longer mentally unstable and is asking for permission to visit his parents on a regular basis.

I'm thinking that if he wants to spend more time with parents, he's still mentally unstable.

It's official: CBS is going to air a one-hour biography about Michael Jackson at the end of the month.

It's part of a new series here at CBS called “Before They Were Freaks”.

A clothing manufacturer in China wants to hire Bill Clinton as their spokesmodel.

They say their suits match his character and personality – they're stain resistant.

Major League Baseball reported last week that more than 5 percent of major league baseball players tested positive for steroid use this year.

Baseball officials believe that steroid use may start even before players reach the major leagues – like with the Mets.

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are reportedly getting married and have even hired a wedding planner.

They've already got the whole wedding planned. He's not only going to be the groom, but also the ring bearer.

Jennifer Lopez is creating her own line of lingerie.

This is going to be high quality stuff – guaranteed to last through your first three wedding nights or your money back.

The New York Jets are reportedly going to build a $1 billion retractable-dome stadium in Manhattan.

So, when it starts raining or something, they'll be able to close the roof and keep all the empty seats dry.

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(Thursday) Celebrity Birthdays: Happy Birthday to Britain's Prince Charles who turns 55 today.

He celebrated by allegedly taking part in an unspecified incident with an unnamed royal servant.

The U.S. now says they're going to speed up the process of turning over control of Iraq to Iraqis.

They say they'll turn over control as soon as they can find an Iraqi with suitable bodybuilding experience.

A guy in Texas who admitted to shooting his neighbor, cutting the body into pieces and then throwing the pieces into the ocean, was found not guilty of murder earlier this week.

That's amazing – this guy wasn't even a Heisman Trophy winner.

A new book written by a former employee of Minnesota Gov. Jess Ventura claims that Ventura was a gloomy recluse who was often rude and spent much of his time watching TV.

No, wait, that was a book written by one of my former employees.

A woman in California went into a restaurant and found a condom in her clam chowder.

Apparently what happened was, she took a bite of her clam chowder and bit into something rubbery – then she bit into the condom.

Al Qaeda has launched their own magazine called “Voice of Jihad”.

There's already one big sign that the magazine is in trouble – they're suing Rosie.

Rush Limbaugh will return to his radio talk show next week after completing five-weeks of rehab for addiction to prescription painkillers.

In response to this news, pharmaceutical stocks were way up in trading today.

In an effort to raise awareness about the dangers of those Hummer vehicles, environmentalists have declared this Saturday National Protest Day Against Hummers.

Former President Bill Clinton will be doing his part; he's promised to go the whole day without getting one.

The lawsuit involving Rosie O'Donnell and the publishers of her old magazine “Rosie” has ended with no monetary damages being awarded to either side.

She's eager to put this all behind her and focus on her new magazine – “Voice of Jihad”.

Britney Spears is going to produce a TV movie for ABC Family channel.

The project is tentatively titled “I Saw Mommy Kissing Britney Spears”.

Only six people turned out for a rally in Washington yesterday to urge Hillary Clinton to run for president next year.

I believe those were all the Democrats left who aren't already running for president.

Playboy has published their “Women of Wal-Mart” issue.

They didn't have much trouble persuading Wal-Mart employees to pose naked; they just offered them green cards.

Chuck Wepner, the heavyweight boxer who inspired the “Rocky” films, is suing Sylvester Stallone for not compensating him.

After that, he's planning on suing the guy who wrote “The Liza Minelli Story”.

Mitoyo Kawate, the world's oldest person, has died in Japan at the age of 114.

We're all just glad she lived to see the “The Andy Griffith Show” reunion special.

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I hate talking about people when they're not here, but last night's audience was downright hostile.

I think they were all going to the “Voice of Jihad” launch party after the show.

Al Qaeda has launched their own magazine called “Voice of Jihad”.

They're offering a 50% discount off the regular newsstand price to all flight-school students.

I just recently had a baby and they say that the key to dealing with a baby is patience, having lots of patience.

No, wait, that's the key to dealing with me.

Celebrity Birthdays: Tonya Harding turned 33 today.

She celebrated by blowing out her candles – and punching out her boyfriend.

Her boyfriend bought her a lovely, engraved hubcap.

Today there were more rumors that Prince Charles is gay: he's reportedly marrying Liza Minelli.

A woman in California went into a restaurant and found a condom in her clam chowder.

The restaurant says the condom was only there to prevent the spread of venereal disease.

The woman is now suing the restaurant for causing depression and anxiety.

Legal experts say if she wins this case, it could set a precedent for Giants fans everywhere.

The wife of actor Christian Slater was arrested after she hit him with a glass during a fight.

She's been charged with misdemeanor battery domestic violence – and impersonating Liza Minelli.

Animal welfare workers in New Jersey removed 24 Bengal tigers from a private home yesterday.

They're relocating the tigers to their natural habitat – an apartment in New York.

The latest edition of Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary has added “McJob” as a new word, and defines it as a low-paying job that requires little skill and provides little opportunity for advancement.

No, I'm sorry, that describes working for me.

Girl Scouts in Alaska are being taught how to trap and skin beavers, as part of a state flood-management program.

They even have a special term for trapping beavers: “Clintoneering”.

Robert Durst, the cross-dressing millionaire from New York, was found not guilty yesterday of murdering and dismembering his neighbor in Texas.

Now here's the really weird part: California had nothing to do with this story.

Hustler publisher Larry Flynt says he has bought nude photos of Jessica Lynch in order to keep them from ever being published.

This is the kind of thing that could put him over the top in the next California gubernatorial election.

Art Carney, who starred as Norton in “The Honeymooners,” died last weekend at 85.

His character Norton inspired a string of classic wacky, goofball TV sidekicks, like Barney Fife from “The Andy Griffith Show”, ” Kramer from “Seinfeld” – and Al Gore from the Clinton Administration.

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A woman in California went into a restaurant and found a condom in her clam chowder.

She became suspicious when the chowder tasted more “latexy” than usual.

The restaurant tried to make it up to her by giving her a free order of the “diaphragm gumbo”.

Al Qaeda has launched their own magazine called “Voice of Jihad”.

Call now and the first 500 subscribers will get a free “Voice of Jihad” fleece turban.

The magazine already has an exclusive: pictures of Osama and Britney.

The current issue features “20 Tips to Making a Better Suicide Video”.

Earlier tonight on CBS was the big “Andy Griffith Show” reunion show.

That show had some great characters, like Floyd the barber, Otis the town drunk – and Cousin Bill the President.

I thought the most touching part of the reunion was when Gomer gave Andy a queer makeover.

Andy Griffith is getting pretty old now. He looks more like somebody who should be watching CBS than somebody who's on CBS.

There are rumors in England that Prince Charles was seen kissing a man.

In England, that sort of behavior may cost him the throne. In America, it can cost you your marriage to Liza Minelli.

Mickey Mantle's widow is auctioning off hundreds of pieces of his memorabilia next month.

You can really get some rare stuff, like all of his professional contracts, two of his MVP trophies – and both of his livers.

A new study has found that New Yorkers pay the highest taxes of any state in the country.

That explains why the rats are so mean.

CBS says now that they did not pull “The Reagans” miniseries in response to political pressure.

They just figured that with “60 Minutes” they've already got enough shows starring senile old guys.

The city of Moscow is considering banning kissing on subways.

Here in New York you can have sex on the subway; you just can't smoke afterwards.

The Air Force intercepted a private plane that flew too close to the White House yesterday.

Luckily, President Bush wasn't working in the White House yesterday – like most days.

As a precaution, Vice President Cheney was moved to a secure location where he could continue with his daily activities – an underground Wendy's.

A new poll finds that only 44 percent of registered voters want to see President Bush re-elected.

Sounds like he's a cinch for re-election.

The U.N. says they've found no evidence that Iran is trying to make nuclear weapons.

Or, as President Bush would put it, we now have the smoking gun.

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This was our first weekend with the baby. It was tough. All night long he was up every two hours and he had to be changed – no wait, that me.

I gave Harry a bath for the first time this weekend. Actually, what we did was we shared a bath – a sponge bath.

Celebrity Birthdays – Happy birthday to Demi Moore, who turns 41 today.

To celebrate, Ashton Kutcher took her out for a nice dinner at Chuck E. Cheese's.

Ashton Kutcher gave her a nice homemade present – from finger paints and popsicle sticks.

Celebrity Birthdays: Happy birthday to Lou Ferrigno, who turned 52 on Sunday.

You may remember him best as “The Hulk” – and Bill Clinton's Attorney General.

Al Qaeda has launched their own magazine called “Voice of Jihad”.

Apparently, the first 500 subscribers get a free fleece pullover.

In this month's issue you can take a quiz to find out whether you're compatible with your suicide bomber.

The first issue has the Dixie Chicks naked on the cover.

A new survey in Britain finds that the average toddler spends more than two hours a day watching TV.

Obviously, my son is only going to be allowed to watch one hour of TV a day – Jay Leno.

Last week FedEx workers opened a leaking box and discovered a shipment of two human legs and an arm.

Even though this wasn't against the law, McDonald's says they won't have their meat shipped like that anymore.

Congratulations to Prince Edward of England and his wife who gave birth to their first child over the weekend.

Just to show you how privileged this child will be, she's going to one of the only children in the world who's more spoiled than mine.

Tabloids in England are reporting that Prince Charles was involved in an incident with a royal servant, though no details have been given yet.

This is interesting; first we borrowed from their system of government, now they're borrowing from ours.

Bad news: the U.S. baseball team failed to qualify for the 2004 Olympic Games after losing to Mexico over the weekend.

Apparently, a big part of the problem was that the team was made up mostly of non-major league players – like guys from the Mets.

The U.S military has set up “Task Force 121,” a special covert team to hunt down Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein.

If they can find those guys, then they're going to try and hunt down something really elusive – the New York Giants offense.

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Ever since the baby was born, I haven't gotten much sleep. In fact, today, as I was coming to work on the subway, I slept through getting mugged.

Naturally, Harry's not watching the show right now – he's watching Leno.

Martha Stewart says in a new interview with Barbara Walters that she's innocent of any wrongdoing.

She's says she never laid a hand on David Gest.

Congratulations to “Wheel of Fortune” which just celebrated its 4,000 show.

It's the only show that's had more losers on it than we have.

The son of Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi, who's a professional soccer player in Italy, has tested positive for an illegal substance.

You've got to give this poor kid a break; his dad's a maniacal dictator – I'm sorry, that's my son.

Al Qaeda is warning all Muslims to leave Washington. D.C., Los Angeles and New York City because of imminent terrorist attacks.

If you think it's hard getting a cab in New York now, just wait.

Scientists are saying that the Voyager 1 spacecraft has reached the end of the solar system. No other human object is farther out in space than Voyager 1.

Well, except for Michael Jackson.

There's been another big solar flare, meaning we're going to have more geomagnetic storms coming our way.

Don't kid yourself; these geomagnetic storms can do weird things to our computers – like making Al Gore grow a beard again.

The head of NBC entertainment says that ratings are down because some of their new shows “sucked”.

I'm thinking, so what? We've sucked for 23 years and it hasn't hurt us.

You know things are bad when you're stealing CBS' formula.

“The Matrix Revolutions” opened yesterday. In case you haven't seen the previous two “Matrix” movies, they're about this world where machines have taken over society – no, wait, I'm sorry, that's California.

The U.S. Mint unveiled a new design for the nickel today.

On the new nickels, they've replaced Thomas Jefferson's home, Monticello, with Madonna and Britney kissing.

If you're like most people these days, you won't be able to compare the old ones and new ones – since you don't have two nickels to rub together.

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It's amazing to look at my son and think someday he'll grow up and have my head frozen.

We're all having a bit of a tough time adjusting to having a baby at home – especially my pet tiger.

I've already realized that having a child really means that I've got one more family member that's embarrassed after every show.

Being a father, I'm realizing I have all sorts of new things to worry about. Like last night I woke up in a cold sweat thinking, who the hell is ever going to give me life insurance?

The Democratic presidential candidates held a debate in front of an audience of young voters in Boston last night.

I don't think it went too well. Let's just say that when it comes to scoring with the young people, none of them was exactly Demi Moore.

The cost of attending a public college or university rose by almost 10 percent this year, the largest increase in 30 years.

Now that I'm a father, when I first saw this news I was worried – until I realized I'd be long dead by the time Harry goes to college.

Now that I'm a father and I see this news, I'm thinking I may need to ask for a raise.

President Bush was in California yesterday to witness the devastation first hand – you know, since Arnold was elected governor.

Bush was amazed by the massive amounts of destruction.

If there's one guy who knows about wreaking destruction on a country, it's George Bush.

Citizens in Los Angeles are going to get to vote on a referendum to overturn the ban on lap dances at strip clubs.

Sounds like things are finally getting back to normal in California.

There are plans for a new reality show where 28 women will compete to become a porn star.

I guess Bill Clinton will be getting his own TV show after all.

Courtney Love says she's not a drug addict.

Sure, and I'm somebody's father – no, wait…

Here at CBS they've decided not to air that TV mini-series about Ronald and Nancy Reagan that Republicans say makes the former first couple look bad.

If there's one network that can't afford to portray elderly citizens in a poor light, it's CBS.

Michael Jackson is in talks with CBS to star in a special next month.

That sounds like the kind of thing that should restore CBS' credibility.

The show's going to be called “Extreme Makeovers Gone Bad”.

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Dave jokes: I'm a father

Those of you don't have kids, let me tell you, these babies are loud. Having a baby in the house is like living with Regis Philbin.

I really have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to raising a child. It's just like when I was doing the weather.

Really, I'm too old to be taking care of a baby. At my age, all I should be doing is sitting in an easy chair watching CBS.

They say the first few months with a baby are the most dangerous, especially here in New York. They're not out of the woods until they're bigger than the rats.

CBS sent a lovely gift – a “Becker” bib.

I called mom to tell her that she was a grandmother and she said “Oh, David, did you knock up another hooker?”

Guest host jokes: Dave had a baby

Mom and baby are doing fine. Dad is still in the cardiac unit.

Dave can't be here tonight because he's busy clearing out a room over the garage for the baby.

They've named the baby ????, but that wasn't Dave's first choice: “Oprah” if was a girl and “Morley” if was a boy.

Dave is getting a crash course on taking care of a baby. For instance, he's just learning the difference between “Huggies” and “Depends”.

Dave's taping tonight's show so he can watch it after Jay Leno.

With the baby's arrival, Dave and Regina have hired a night nurse – to take care of Dave.

CBS wanted to send Dave a gift, but, as we know, they're not really good at picking out things that young people like.

With Dave not here, CBS had to choose: do the show with me filling in, or air “The Reagans”.

Everybody here at the show has been pitching in to take up the slack with Dave gone. For instance, Alan has volunteered to berate the interns.

Celebrity Birthdays: Walter Cronkite turns 87 today.

He may no longer be anchoring the CBS Evening News, but he's still anchoring our youngest demographic.

After many years, the American Academy of Pediatrics is now saying that parents should avoid using ipecac syrup in case of child poisoning.

Just to show you how serious people are taking this warning, First Lady Laura Bush has even gotten rid of ipecac from the White House.

Michael Jackson is auctioning off his 2001 Bentley Turbosedan.

It's got pretty low mileage, since he only used it drive to and from school.

Congress has approved the $87 billion requested by President Bush for rebuilding Iraq and Afghanistan.

The government hopes to use this money to form a stable government in Iraq headed by a former Mr. Universe.

New York has become the third state to ban ephedra, which is used to boost athletic performance.

This seems unnecessary; obviously, nobody on any New York team is using performance-enhancing drugs.

A special task force has determined that there was no single cause of that big blackout here in New York a while back.

It turns out there were lots of reason why the Yankees lost the World Series.

The U.S. government has agreed to pay Linda Tripp almost $600,000 to settle allegations that it violated her privacy rights during the Monica Lewinsky scandal.

She's already got plans for the money – she's getting a queer makeover

The Supreme Court has refused to hear an appeal by an Alabama judge to have a monument of the Ten Commandments put back on display in his courthouse.

They based their decision on a well-known legal precedent – they're sick of this crap too.

Here in New York, the musical “Urinetown” is closing after a successful two-year run.

So, from now on, if you want to see Urinetown, well, you'll still have to come to New York.

ABC had a special last night where they explored whether Jesus had a wife.

The strongest evidence they have is of a guy who spent a lot of time in Jesus' house and ate lots of meals there – they think it's his brother-in-law.

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Dave jokes: I'm a father

Regina first started feeling abdominal cramps and pains last night, but we both figured it was just from watching “CBS at 75″.

CBS is pretty happy about this, since it guarantees at least one young viewer during sweeps.

The labor and delivery was pretty tough, lots of screaming and swearing – but then they gave me some drugs and I calmed right down.

It was an amazing experience but still kind of hard to watch. In fact, I haven't seen anything that graphic since I watched the tape of myself hosting the Academy Awards.

Regina's is doing well, but now I think I'm going to have morning sickness.

Luckily, I was able to drive us to the hospital in no time flat, since, you know, I've been practicing for that for many years.

As soon as the baby was born I realized that this is really a serious thing – not like hosting a network show.

Now I have another reason to get up every two hours each night, other than to urinate.

I called and told Mom the news and she immediately handed out cigars to her buddies at the track.

I guess this means I'll have to get that pet tiger out of my apartment.

Paul jokes: Dave's going to be a father

This is just one more thing Dave and Paul McCartney have in common.

We're all pretty nervous around here and at the same time pretty excited – kind of like when Dave had his heart surgery.

I knew something was up when Dave was drinking earlier than usual today.

I think this could just be a cover story and Dave's really in the hospital getting hair plugs.

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People are finally returning to their homes in California and getting their first look at the devastation – you know, since Arnold became governor.

Here at CBS we had our big 75th anniversary show last night.

The show was a big hit with our viewers – since most of them can identify with turning 75.

It was a fascinating show. You could see the birth of the network then watch it grow and mature and finally turn senile.

A man in California was videotaped trying to shoot his lawyer from close range on Friday.

Amazingly, the lawyer wasn't killed. Watching this guy try to shoot was like watching a Knicks game.

Here in New York City, the last of the Redbird subway trains was taken out of service today after 40 years of use.

I took my last ride on it today and I actually became a little teary-eyed when I realized this would be the last time I would ever get mugged on a Redbird.

The Episcopal Church consecrated the first openly gay man as bishop this weekend.

So you can now go to church for a baptism, wedding, funeral – and a queer makeover.

Congratulations to Sean”P. Diddy” Combs for completing the New York City Marathon yesterday in 4 hours, 14 minutes, 54 seconds.

He finished pretty far back in the crowd. In fact, he hasn't had that much ass in front of him since he was dating J Lo.

That's the farthest he's ever run – without the police chasing him.

The world's oldest person Kamato Hongo of Japan died at the age of 116 last week.

Here at CBS we were sorry to hear this news; we were hoping she'd make it through sweeps.

She said one of the keys to her longevity was sleeping for two days and then staying awake for two days.

I guess this means Keith Richards will be around for a while.

A woman dressed as a clown robbed a back in Virginia last week.

At first this sounded kind of odd, but then I figured, if a clown can get elected governor of California, why not this?

They caught her when she stopped to make some balloon animals on her way out.

The Senate has passed legislation making it illegal to transport lions and tigers across state lines.

The only exceptions are for zoos, animal trainers – and people apartment hunting in New York.

The five stars of “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” have gotten raises after demanding to have their contracts renegotiated.

They're pretty excited that they won't have to do their own queer makeovers anymore.

A woman rammed her car into a facility where President Bush had just given a speech in Mississippi this weekend.

Bush's economic policy really saved his life – she couldn't afford a bigger car.

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