Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show
From
July 2003 until
October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the
LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN.
I wrote and submitted about
10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used.
But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get
paid for it!
Dave is one of my top two
all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It
never, ever got old.
This section displays
all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is).
Use the
archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the
search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.
Jokes highlighted in
bold were
used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention.
You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by
Jay and
Carson and
Jimmy) on my
Late Night Jokes page.
Enjoy!
October 30, 2003.
Web Posted at: 11:20 am UTC
Here in New York Mayor Bloomberg has declared a war on rats.
The war's going pretty well; we've finally knocked out their power grid.
(Friday) Celebrity Birthdays: Dan Rather turns 72 today.
He's at that awkward in-between age where he's old enough to be eligible for Social Security but not old enough for “60 Minutes”.
It's almost Halloween and here in New York, people really get into it.
For example, today my cab driver was wearing a costume: he was dressed as a Sunni Muslim rather than a Shiite Muslim.
It's Halloween again and today I had the same conversation with mom that I have every Halloween.
I explained to her that you can't give out those little bottles of liquor as treats.
The State Department is offering a $25 million reward information leading to the capture of al Qaeda member Abu Musab al Zarqawi.
So for all you people here in New York riding in cabs, be sure to check your driver's name plate – you could be a winner!
The government believes that they've identified the man behind the attacks against U.S. troops in Iraq as one of Saddam Hussein's former generals.
Apparently, he's the only person capable of unleashing those kinds of sustained and viscous attacks – other than Liza Minelli.
That big geomagnetic storm caused by a massive solar flare earlier this week that's been affecting power grids and satellites has passed.
My mom was affected by it. She had to go a whole day without the Spice channel.
The government has caught people trying to pass counterfeit versions of the new $20 bill.
In case you haven't seen them, these are the bills that look like they've had a queer makeover. Here's how to tell if you have a fake bill – Andrew Jackson's hair hasn't been “joojed”.
Congratulations to Paul McCartney and his wife Heather Mills, who gave birth to a baby girl, named Beatrice Milly McCartney after Heather's mother Beatrice and Paul's aunt Milly.
Paul is already trying to change the name so his aunt's name comes first.
The Democratic Party has formed a new left-wing think tank called the Center for American Progress.
First order of business: design a newer and more stable version of Al Gore.
Movie theaters in England have started to offer alcoholic popcorn.
Boy, if you thought people who paid to see “Gigli” were mad, just imagine if they'd been liquored up.
President Bush has come up with a theme for his reelection campaign: “the world is more peaceful and more free under my leadership”.
He says just imagine how much more peaceful and more free the world will be if he's actually elected the next time around.
Cleveland Browns running back William Green was arrested this week for driving under the influence of alcohol and marijuana possession.
That's the bad news. The good news is he's not on steroids.
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October 29, 2003.
Web Posted at: 3:00 pm UTC
Celebrity Birthdays: Winona Ryder turns 32 today
Her friends have chipped in and gotten her a gift certificate that she can use at any store she chooses – since she's just gonna steal the stuff anyway.
One of the largest known solar flares ever erupted from the sun yesterday, sending a storm of superheated gas towards Earth.
Scientist say it's the largest burst of hot air the Earth has seen since Rush Limbaugh went into rehab.
Scientists say the disruption to the Earth's magnetic field from these solar flares could disrupt satellite communication and television transmissions for up to 24 hours.
I'm thinking this could be our best chance to tie Jay Leno in the ratings for a day.
11 Russian miners who were trapped underground for almost a week were rescued earlier today.
These guys were in pretty tough shape. They looked like they'd just gotten out of a marriage with Liza Minelli.
California Gov.-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger was in Washington. D.C. today.
This seems like a good a time as any to leave California – nothing major going on there.
Arnold had a private lunch with Sen. Ted. Kennedy.
They had a nice discussion – and a few lap dances.
Arnold and Ted don't see eye-to-eye on many things. For instance, Ted wanted to go to a strip club and Arnold wanted to go to Hooters.
A clothing company owned by rapper Sean “P. Diddy” Combs' has been accused of using laborers from a Honduran sweatshop.
P. Diddy said that he's determined to get to the bottom of this and he won't leave a single booty unturned until he does.
P. Diddy said that he's determined to get to the bottom of this and, as we know, he's pretty good at getting to the bottom of things – like J Lo.
Singer Courtney Love was arrested yesterday on drug possession charges.
She's also being charged with one count of impersonating Rush Limbaugh.
One of the world's largest cell phone makers has introduced a new phone that will allow users to watch TV.
They said it should be popular with the kids and young adults – meaning the phones won't need to get CBS.
The U.S. government has decreed that all new TV's have tuners that can receive digital TV signals by July 2007.
If you haven't seen it yet, the digital TV is much better than traditional TV. For example, if you watch “60 Minutes” on a digital TV, Dan Rather's liver spots really come to life.
Things continue to get worse in California with those wild fires. They say things have really taken a turn for the worse – Geraldo Rivera is now on the scene.
Rapper Nelly had more than $1 million in jewelry stolen from his Las Vegas Strip hotel room earlier this week.
Nelly's pretty mad about this and says that if he ever finds who stole his jewelry he's going to open up a can of Liza Minelli on his ass.
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October 28, 2003.
Web Posted at: 11:25 am UTC
Today I saw a sure sign that it's almost Halloween: my cab driver was giving away candy from his turban.
Celebrity Birthdays: Bill Gates turns 48 today.
I'm wondering what you get the world's richest man on his birthday – besides another four years for George Bush.
Former President Bill Clinton was at a Democratic Party fund-raiser at a nightclub in Washington, DC last night.
Tickets to get in cost $50. For $100 you could meet the former President. For $500 you could give him a lap dance.
Out in California, the deadly wildfires have continued to spread. Yesterday, President Bush declared California a major disaster area.
Not because of the fires, but because they elected Arnold Schwarzenegger governor.
An alligator was found lose in the cargo hold of an airplane when it landed in Newark on Monday.
Here's the weird part: the alligator's owner was sitting in first class with his pet tiger.
Michael Jackson is donating some of the proceeds from a new charity single to the Church of Scientology.
I'm thinking this is just the kind of endorsement Scientology needs to become mainstream.
“Scary Movie 3″ is the number one movie this week.
If you haven't heard about it, it's a spoof of horror movies like “Halloween,” “Friday the Thirteenth” and “Gigli”.
Pamela Anderson says that Kentucky Fried Chicken mistreats chickens by keeping them drugged and artificially top-heavy.
No, I'm sorry, I got that wrong; she's the one who's drugged and artificially top-heavy.
Kentucky Fried Chicken denied this saying they don't even use chicken in their meals.
An EgyptAir pilot refused to take off last week because he said one of the plane's passengers was too fat.
It's good to hear that some Americans still aren't afraid to travel abroad.
Britney Spears says she's not going to do any more nude photos for a while.
She says that from now on she won't be photographed without having something on her body – like Madonna.
450 women posed nude in Grand Central Terminal here in New York last weekend as part of a human sculpture.
I think we've finally found some artwork for the Clinton Presidential Library.
Unabomber Ted Kaczynski has complained to prison officials about the mail service in jail.
He's mad because they keep delivering his outgoing mail to the bomb squad.
Unabomber Ted Kaczynski has complained to prison officials that the mail service in jail is damaging his outgoing packages.
He's mad because they keep ignoring his instructions that say “BOMB! Do not bend!” on the envelope.
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October 27, 2003.
Web Posted at: 11:50 am UTC
I had a big weekend. Mom wanted me to take her to Canada so I could videotape her going over Niagara Falls.
Celebrity Birthdays: Hillary Rodham Clinton turned 56 on Sunday.
Bill and Hillary celebrated with a quite dinner – in separate restaurants.
Bill really went all out and treated her to a night on the town, with dinner and dancing – and he didn't even bring a date.
The Florida Marlins beat the New York Yankees this weekend to win the World Series.
George Steinbrenner was so mad about losing that after he was done berating the team, he hired Liza Minelli to come in and give them each a beating.
The Yankees are already working on improving the team to make a run at the title next year.
They've got their eyes on a real slugger – Liza Minelli.
People here in New York are pretty upset about the Yankees losing. In fact, after the game, Don Zimmer went home and his wife threw him to the ground.
Liza Minnelli's estranged husband David Gest is suing her for $10 million, saying that on multiple occasions she got drunk and beat him up.
If that weren't bad enough, when she got really drunk she'd make him watch “Arthur”.
To make matters worse, in bed she was always calling him “Dudley”.
A Michigan man went over Niagara Falls without a safety device last week and survived with only minor injuries.
The guys says for his next stunt he's going to try something really dangerous – surviving being married to Liza Minelli.
Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore have gotten engaged.
They've already booked the reception at Chuck E. Cheese's.
They're planning on a May wedding so he can reuse his prom tuxedo.
They're planning on a summer wedding so they can honeymoon during his summer vacation.
Technically, they're not actually getting married; she's going to be named his legal guardian.
California Gov.-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger made an appearance at the Mr. Olympia contest over the weekend.
He was scouting for cabinet appointees.
Pamela Anderson says that she doesn't expect to live more than 10 or 15 more years because she has hepatitis C.
That's the bad news. The good news is her breasts should be good for another 40 or 50 years.
Federal officials arrested more than 300 illegal workers on cleaning crews at Wal-Mart stores across the country last week.
This is really shocking – who knew Wal-Mart had cleaning crews?
As punishment, the workers will be sent back to their native countries – where the only work they can get is manufacturing products for Wal-Mart stores.
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October 16, 2003.
Web Posted at: 11:00 am UTC
The Chicago Cubs lost game 7 of the National League Championship Series last night to the Florida Marlins, losing the series after blowing a 3-games-to-1 lead.
People in Chicago are so upset the city has hired rush Limbaugh's housekeeper to supply everybody with prescription painkillers.
Here in New York the Yankees and Red Sox are playing game 7 of the American League Championship series tonight.
First punch is at approximately 8:15.
Pedro Martinez spent some time before the game signing autographs for some young fans – and tossing the older ones to the ground.
Pedro Martinez was warming up earlier today by doing some tossing in the outfield – he threw Johnny Pesky to the ground.
Don Zimmer warmed up by taking a few swings at the batboys.
Osama bin Laden has reportedly turned over control of al-Qaeda to his son.
He gave control of al-Qaeda to his oldest son. His younger son just gets one of his old Buicks.
I believe al-Qaeda has now been renamed to “bin Laden & Son”.
Rush Limbaugh is in rehab for addiction to prescription painkillers.
Part of the rehabilitation process is to accept responsibility for all of your actions. Right about now, Rush should be up to the Newt Gingrich years.
China has completed its first successful manned space flight.
They say this is just the first step in China's goal to establish a permanent outpost on the moon – Lunar Dry-cleaning.
President Bush met with California Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger earlier today.
Or, as President Bush calls him, Mr. Governor-elect.
They had a little trouble communicating through all that broken English – but eventually Arnold was able to understand him.
Democratic presidential candidate Wesley Clark is also anxious to meet with Arnold – to discuss time travel.
Ozzy Osbourne has postponed a European tour because he's having trouble with some medication he's been taking.
Wait, I'm sorry, that was Rush Limbaugh.
The average price of an apartment here in Manhattan is more than $900,000 for the first time ever.
To tell you how expensive it is here in New York, the homeless guy in front of the theater has nicer suits than I do.
Congratulations to Conan O'Brien, whose wife gave birth to a baby girl on Wednesday.
Once again, I come in second to NBC.
Kobe Bryant's defense team claims it has evidence that his accuser wore underpants containing another man's semen to her rape exam
That's kind of like when Monica Lewinsky showed up at a cocktail party wearing a dress with Bill Clinton's semen.
Celebrity birthdays: Angela Lansbury turns 78 on Thursday.
She's not only a CBS icon; she's a key demographic.
Celebrity birthdays: Eminem turns 29 on Friday.
He celebrated quietly with a few close bitches.
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October 9, 2003.
Web Posted at: 11:00 am UTC
The Chicago Cubs lost game 7 of the National League Championship Series last night to the Florida Marlins, losing the series after blowing a 3-games-to-1 lead.
People in Chicago are so upset the city has hired rush Limbaugh's housekeeper to supply everybody with prescription painkillers.
Here in New York the Yankees and Red Sox are playing game 7 of the American League Championship series tonight.
First punch is at approximately 8:15.
Pedro Martinez spent some time before the game signing autographs for some young fans – and tossing the older ones to the ground.
Pedro Martinez was warming up earlier today by doing some tossing in the outfield – he threw Johnny Pesky to the ground.
Don Zimmer warmed up by taking a few swings at the batboys.
Osama bin Laden has reportedly turned over control of al-Qaeda to his son.
He gave control of al-Qaeda to his oldest son. His younger son just gets one of his old Buicks.
I believe al-Qaeda has now been renamed to “bin Laden & Son”.
Rush Limbaugh is in rehab for addiction to prescription painkillers.
Part of the rehabilitation process is to accept responsibility for all of your actions. Right about now, Rush should be up to the Newt Gingrich years.
China has completed its first successful manned space flight.
They say this is just the first step in China's goal to establish a permanent outpost on the moon – Lunar Dry-cleaning.
President Bush met with California Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger earlier today.
Or, as President Bush calls him, Mr. Governor-elect.
They had a little trouble communicating through all that broken English – but eventually Arnold was able to understand him.
Democratic presidential candidate Wesley Clark is also anxious to meet with Arnold – to discuss time travel.
Ozzy Osbourne has postponed a European tour because he's having trouble with some medication he's been taking.
Wait, I'm sorry, that was Rush Limbaugh.
The average price of an apartment here in Manhattan is more than $900,000 for the first time ever.
To tell you how expensive it is here in New York, the homeless guy in front of the theater has nicer suits than I do.
Congratulations to Conan O'Brien, whose wife gave birth to a baby girl on Wednesday.
Once again, I come in second to NBC.
Kobe Bryant's defense team claims it has evidence that his accuser wore underpants containing another man's semen to her rape exam
That's kind of like when Monica Lewinsky showed up at a cocktail party wearing a dress with Bill Clinton's semen.
Celebrity birthdays: Angela Lansbury turns 78 on Thursday.
She's not only a CBS icon; she's a key demographic.
Celebrity birthdays: Eminem turns 29 on Friday.
He celebrated quietly with a few close bitches.
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October 9, 2003.
Web Posted at: 11:00 am UTC
So, Arnold Schwarzenegger is now governor of California, which I believe makes Maria Shriver the First Gropee.
Arnold Schwarzenegger says he will not make movies while he is governor.
Too bad we can't get Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez elected governor.
Arnold's first task as governor is to clean up the financial mess. California has a big budget deficit; they're way over budget.
Arnold says this is no problem; they'll make it all up in DVD sales.
Arnold Schwarzenegger has begun getting ready to take over the governor's office in California.
He's already had it measured for his posing mirrors.
Now that Arnold is holding a public office, he finally has something in common with his wife's Uncle Ted Kennedy – well, aside from groping women.
The Bush Administration is trying a new tactic to win over the critics of the Iraq war.
They're no longer calling it an invasion – they're calling it a queer makeover.
Here in New York they're getting ready to celebrate the 100th-anniversary celebration of the subway next year, with a re-enactment of the first-ever subway ride.
To be followed by a reenactment the first-ever subway mugging.
Roy Horn of “Siegfried & Roy” is still in critical condition after being mauled by a tiger last week.
Doctors say he's expected to survive but he may never be able to get a facelift again.
Things are really getting nutty here in New York. Today, I was walking through Central Park and I saw a squirrel living with a 400-pund tiger.
This week the police in New York arrested a priest. What happened was, they went to his apartment and found guns, Nazi memorabilia, gay pornography, stolen money – and a 400-pound tiger.
The newly redesigned $20 bills were put into circulation today.
How many of you have seen the new $20 bills? How many of you have seen ANY $20 bills since George Bush became president?
The director of the Nobel Institute says that Michael Jackson, who's been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, probably isn't going to win.
Michael was pretty disappointed to hear that, since he had already bought his monkey a tuxedo.
Courtney Love was arrested on drug charges this week.
They say she may have to give up her ESPN job.
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October 8, 2003.
Web Posted at: 11:00 am UTC
Today's the day after the recall election in California and this morning all of California woke up and said “We did what last night?”
Out in California Governor Gray Davis has been recalled and replaced by Arnold Schwarzenegger.
I'm afraid this sort of thing might give California the reputation of being crazy.
You know the biggest winner in this whole recall election? America's egg producers.
Did you see Arnold Schwarzenegger's victory speech last night? It was touching. He personally groped each and every one of his supporters.
President Bush says he is ready to work with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Technically, President Bush said he's ready to work with Arnold – since he could never pronounce Schwarzenegger.
A guy here in New York was living with a 400-pound tiger in his apartment for more than two years until the city found out last weekend.
For some reason the neighbors never became suspicious when he kept knocking on their door to borrow a cup of sugar – and 50 pounds of raw meat.
The Yankees-Red Sox series started tonight.
Yankee fever is sweeping New York again. As an example, this morning I was coming to work on the subway, when two guys with official Derek Jeter bats beat and mugged me.
The campaign manager for Democratic presidential candidate Wesley Clark has resigned.
They had a dispute over the direction of the campaign – they couldn't agree on whether to travel forward or backward in time.
A bar in Germany is now offering day care for men where, for $11.80, women can drop their husbands off for the day and they'll have games, food and beer.
For an extra 10 bucks, they'll also get a queer makeover.
Ashton Kutcher took Demi Moore to his home state of Iowa over the weekend.
They got a good deal on airfare – since kids fly free.
The Japanese government has begun an investigation in China's claim that 400 Japanese businessmen had an orgy with 500 Chinese prostitutes last month.
In the name of international peace, Bill Clinton has offered to personally lead this investigation.
The FCC has ruled that when U2's lead singer Bono used the f-word on the Golden Globe Awards this year he not violate indecency rules – unlike the MTV Video Music Awards.
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October 7, 2003.
Web Posted at: 11:05 am UTC
It was such a beautiful fall day here in New York I went for a walk in Central Park at lunch time and I saw a guy frolicking with his pet tiger.
A guy here in New York was caught with a 400-pound tiger in his apartment over the weekend after the tiger mauled him.
He had a pretty good excuse; he said he was just playing the “Siegfried and Roy” home game.
Today was the big recall election in California.
The polls are closed and the results are in – California's been recalled.
Arnold Schwarzenegger spent the morning squeezing in some last minute groping before the election.
Now that the election is over Arnold Schwarzenegger's wife Maria Shriver will be returning to work at NBC.
If he loses Arnold will go back to what he was doing before the election – groping women.
Democrat presidential candidate Bob Graham announced yesterday he was dropping out of the race.
He decided to drop out after Wesley Clark traveled into the future and told him that he wasn't going to win.
The General Accounting Office is reporting that the Defense Department sold equipment to the public that can be used for making biological warfare agents.
Apparently, they were selling old deep fryers from McDonalds.
Iraq has unveiled new currency without Saddam Hussein's face on it.
The new currency is popular – except for the Sacagawea coins.
Australian scientists have successfully tested the world's first injectable male contraceptive.
The first and most reliable male contraceptive, of course, is a queer makeover.
If you don't want to inject yourself with anything, you can just get a queer makeover.
Yesterday President Bush met with Kenyan President Mwai Kibaki.
Or as President Bush calls him – Kenny.
When Roy Horn of “Siegfried and Roy” was attacked by a tiger last week, handlers backstage sprayed the tiger with a fire extinguisher to free him.
Coincidentally, that's what Bill Clinton's aides did whenever he got too frisky with an intern.
A Pennsylvania man has been charged with impersonating a doctor after he castrated a transgendered woman on her dining room table.
She became suspicious when he used his dinner knife to do the operation.
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October 6, 2003.
Web Posted at: 12:10 pm UTC
It's getting colder out and today in Times Square I saw a sure sign that it's fall here in New York – they were winterizing the hookers.
Tomorrow, of course, is the big recall election in California – which means that today was the last day for Gray Davis to steal office supplies.
Arnold Schwarzenegger continues to lead in the polls in the California recall election.
In fact, he's so confident that he's going to be the next governor that he's already working on his inaugural poses.
More women have come forward and accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of sexual misconduct.
Out of habit, when she heard this Hillary made Bill sleep on the couch.
Former Vice President Al Gore is buying his own cable channel.
Here's an example of the kind of programming you'll see on it: Al Gore will go out and give people boring makeovers.
A man in Harlem was caught with a 400-pound Bengal tiger and a 5-foot-long alligator living in his apartment.
City officials are really going to crack down on this guy – he's going to have to get tags for those pets.
Roy Horn of “Siegfried and Roy” was critically injured when a white tiger mauled him during a performance this weekend.
Officials haven't decided yet what to do with the tiger – they're hoping to find it a nice apartment in Harlem.
The oldest person in the U.S, 114 year old Elena Slough of New Jersey, died on Sunday.
You know what that means, ladies – Mike Wallace is available this weekend...
Researchers at Boston University have developed a vibrating shoe insole to help improve balance in elderly people.
So, if you don't know what to get Grandma for Christmas this year – how about a pair of vibrators?
Celebrity birthdays: Charlton Heston turned 79 on Sunday
His family had a party for him and he got to play his favorite birthday party game – shoot the tail off the donkey.
Courtney Love was hospitalized on Friday for a possible drug overdose.
She went to a rave with Rush Limbaugh
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October 2, 2003.
Web Posted at: 10:20 am UTC
Democratic presidential candidate Wesley Clark says that he believes time travel is possible.
In fact, he says he's been to the future and he has two words for us: President Sharpton
A guy in a Popeye's chicken restaurant found a mouse in his fried chicken dinner.
Popeye's says they've found the problem – not enough pesticide in the seasoning.
To make matters worse, now Wendy's is suing them for stealing their secret chili recipe.
Wendy's has been rated as the fastest drive-thru fast food service in America.
Popeye's Chicken says their drive-thru service takes longer because they cook your mouse to order.
29-year-old Abu Hazim al-Sha'ir is Al Qaeda's new head of terror operations in the Persian Gulf.
They say he started off in the Al Qaeda mailroom.
Arnold Schwarzenegger's wife Maria Shriver says, win or lose, she plans to go back to working as a journalist again after the recall election.
They had a deal: win or lose, she would go back to being a journalist and he would go back to having group sex.
Arnold Schwarzenegger has laid out a plan for his first 100 days as governor.
His plan covers all of the major problem areas: the pecs, the quads, the glutes…
Several women who met Arnold Schwarzenegger on movie sets over the years have accused him of groping them and making unwanted sexual advances.
So I guess that means you can call him a Clinton Republican.
North Korea says it has reprocessed 8,000 fuel rods in order to produce nuclear weapons.
Just to give you some perspective, that's the same number of rods processed by the hookers in Times Square in a night.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger has a new book coming out in which she says that it's a wife's job to provide her husband with as much sex as he wants whenever he wants it.
Bill Clinton says that's ridiculous; that's what interns are for.
She also says wives should see their husbands for what they are: a gift from god.
So all you ladies out there, you see that dirty, smelly load on the couch watching football? That's a gift from god.
Actress Halle Berry has separated from her husband of three years, singer Eric Benet.
Friends say they knew the couple was having trouble when he applied for a gun permit all by himself.
Rush Limbaugh has resigned as a football commentator on ESPN after he said that Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb is overrated because he's black.
McNabb didn't seem to upset by the comments. He just said Rush is a big, fat idiot.
A federal judge has ruled that the name Washington Redskins is not disparaging to American Indians.
Here in New York they're considering suing the Jets for being disparaging to New Yorkers.
The FCC says it has received hundreds of complaints from people on the do-not-call registry who said they were still being called.
Turns out it was just Al Gore being lonely.
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October 1, 2003.
Web Posted at: 11:24 am UTC
A guy in a Popeye's chicken restaurant found a mouse in his fried chicken dinner.
Popeye's says it was just a misunderstanding. It turns out he'd accidentally ordered the Popcorn Vermin.
Unemployed workers in Iraq who couldn't get jobs started rioting today – no, wait, that was here in the U.S.
Americans are getting so big that funeral homes are now offering extra wide coffins.
So, if you have an obese relative who dies and you need one of these extra wide coffins, what you do is you order a coffin and you ask them to super size it.
I hate talking about people when they're not here, but last night's audience was rough.
It was filled with people who forgot to sign up for the do-not-call list.
A new study by Texas A&M University finds that the average driver spends almost 26 hours a year sitting in traffic.
My cab driver has a good way to help us pass the time in traffic – the Koran on tape.
A 2-year-old girl in Florida who was left alone while her mother was in jail, survived for nearly three weeks on mustard, ketchup, rice and raw pasta.
That's no big deal. I survived on that same diet for years until I got this job.
Since Saddam Hussein has left power, 160 newspapers have sprung up in Iraq.
160 newspapers and you still can't find Marmaduke.
Elton John has auctioned off all of the contents of his London home, so he can redecorate it in a more modern way.
He's giving his home a queer makeover.
Here in New York they've made the punishments tougher for out-of-control and unruly fans that go onto the field at sporting events.
They want keep out-of-control and unruly people where they belong – on the subway.
A new study finds that the number of millionaires in the United States is at the highest level in 20 years
For the purpose of the study, millionaires are defined as anybody who still supports President Bush.
The baseball playoffs have started and the experts are saying that a Cubs-Red Sox World Series is looking like a real possibility.
Apparently, the temperature in hell has been dropping like a rock.
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