Chumworth on the News – 2003

Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show

From July 2003 until October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN. I wrote and submitted about 10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used. But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get paid for it!

Dave is one of my top two all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It never, ever got old.

This section displays all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is). Use the archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.

Jokes highlighted in bold were used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention. You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by Jay and Carson and Jimmy) on my Late Night Jokes page.

Enjoy!

Today was the first day of the major league baseball playoffs.

Or as the Mets call it, Tuesday.

Nicole Kidman and Lenny Kravitz are reportedly engaged.

Today there was a sure sign they're engaged – they were seen applying for a gun license together.

President Bush is roughly halfway to his goal of raising $150 million to $170 million for his re-election campaign.

Campaign officials estimate he'll reach his goal by the end of “Operation Iranian Freedom”.

Sean “P. Diddy” Combs says he is going to run the New York City Marathon this year.

He's actually an avid runner – mostly from the police.

He'll be competing in the “heavily armed celebrity” division.

A new study by the University of California, Berkeley has found that there are fewer male than female births during difficult economic times.

So for all you couples out there hoping for a boy – vote Democrat in 2004.

Madonna says that writing her new children's book was a “liberating” experience.

Apparently, she wrote the book topless.

Martha Stewart has been inducted in the Nutley, NJ Hall of Fame.

They're going to put a bust of her on display at the Hall – which makes it her second bust of the year.

The world's oldest man has died in Japan at age 114.

Or, as we called him here at CBS – a key demographic.

President Bush has signed a bill authorizing the new do-not-call registry, to prevent intrusive and annoying telephone solicitations.

He signed the bill in between phone calls to Republican donors.

Several teams of scientists in California are competing for the X-Prize, a $10 million contest to complete the first privately funded manned spaceflight.

The rules are you have get people to the edge of space and bring them back safely within a two-week period – and you can't use Whitney Houston or Bobby Brown.

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A new Al Qaeda audiotape has surfaced, this one by Osama bin Laden deputy Ayman al-Zawahri.

Apparently, Osama bin Laden didn't make the tape because he's in some sort of contractual dispute.

In the tape, Al Qaeda accuses the United States of trying to abolish Islam.

President Bush said he has nothing against Islam – it's the Muslims he wants to get rid of.

We know the tape is recent because the guy in the tape mentions he's surprised that ABC is going to keep “8 Simple Rules” going without John Ritter.

Rapper 50 Cent has bought a mansion that belonged to former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson for $4.1 million.

Like all houses, this one has a few issues – like Don King's hair in the shower drain.

A new poll in California shows over 60 percent of probable voters would vote to recall Gray Davis.

When Davis heard this, he immediately replaced his whole queer makeover staff.

There was a big blackout in Italy this weekend that affected almost the entire country.

This was a lot like the big blackout here in New York – it affected millions of people who don't speak English.

Gen. Wesley Clark is leading the Democratic presidential candidates in the polls.

You may recognize him as the guy lying in bed reading during the Craftmatic Automatic Adjustable bed ads.

Gen. Clark said over the weekend that the American people are “really embarrassed” by the current administration.

If we're embarrassed, just think how George Bush's mother must feel.

A gorilla escaped from a Boston zoo on Sunday and was on the loose for two hours before it was sedated and recaptured.

They were able to put him to sleep by flying in Joe Lieberman to make a campaign speech.

The No. 1 movie this past weekend was “The Rundown” starring The Rock.

I took mom to see this movie and about halfway through she says “David, when does Rocky win the heavyweight title?”

Elia Kazaan, the director of “On the Waterfront” and “A Streetcar named Desire” died this weekend at age 94.

Police said he died of natural causes – Marlon Brando ate him.

Madonna's new book “The English Roses” is No. 1 on the New York Time's children's list.

It's also the only book on that list that's kept behind the counter at the book store.

This past weekend was Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year. You know who celebrates Rosh Hashanah? Madonna.

She celebrated by getting together with some friends and loved ones – and not giving any open-mouthed kisses after sundown.

Madonna is reportedly going to play a dominatrix in Britney Spears' new video – no, I'm sorry, that's the video for her new children's book.

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Today I saw a classic sign that it's autumn in New York.

The hot dog water in the street vendor carts is changing colors.

I was walking home from work last night and I saw a sure sign that it's fall here in New York.

The hookers have stopped offering sidewalk service.

There was a Democratic presidential candidates debate earlier tonight.

Things got a little tense when General Wesley Clark kept referring to the other candidates as “maggots”.

Arnold Schwarzenegger took part in his first California gubernatorial debate last night.

He was well prepared for this debate. He wore a non-stick suit so the eggs would slide right off of him.

It was a little odd, though, how he began every answer by saying “I'm just a simple cyborg.”

A new poll in Iraq finds that two-thirds of the people in Baghdad believe getting rid of Saddam Hussein was worth all of the power outages, violence and unemployment they've suffered since.

Americans, on the other hand, aren't so sure it was worth all of the power outages, violence and unemployment they've suffered since.

A man in Austraila was caught trying to smuggle snakes into the country in his pants.

Interestingly, Bill Clinton once tried to smuggle snakes in his pants – no wait, those were interns.

Hillary Clinton's memoir “Living History” has been heavily censored in China.

If they think her book needs to be censored, just wait until they read Bill Clinton's memoir.

President Bush met with German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder yesterday.

Or, as President Bush calls him – Otto

Bush and Schroeder were able to agree to work together on Iraq.

This meeting went so well that Germany offered to send troops to other countries where we could use some help – like France.

Astronomers say that the Milky Way galaxy is eating up its neighbor, the Sagittarius galaxy.

Scientists say this will make the Milky Way even more “nougat-y”.

There's been another fight over a Ten Commandments monument, this time in Montana, where they just removed the monument from a courthouse lawn.

They were having trouble moving it, so they called in a high school kid with M80s and that did the trick.

Here in New York, the Central Park reservoir has officially been renamed the Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis Reservoir.

This marks the first time that a public restroom has ever been named after a former first lady.

Starbucks is planning to open its first store in France next year.

They have a pretty aggressive plan for establishing themselves in France quickly – it's code named “Blitzkrieg”.

A new poll here in New York found that two-thirds of voters believe Hillary Clinton when she says she won't run for president next year.

Sure, because, if there's one thing we know about the Clintons it's that their word is their bond.

Billy Crystal will be hosting the Academy Awards again next year.

I would have done it again, but I couldn't line up a baby sitter for that night.

The National Cattlemen's Beef Association has developed a new appetizer made of deep fried ground beef, cheese and bread called cheeseburger fries.

I think I need more bypass surgery after just saying the words “cheeseburger fries.”

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Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez were in a courthouse in Georgia on Monday to apply for a gun permit.

Before they can get a gun permit, they'll have to run a background check on J Lo's ass.

A new sex survey shows that 54 percent of Americans say they have had either phone sex or online sex, the most of any country in the world.

I think we've finally identified Bill Clinton's legacy.

Kelsey Grammer, the star of “Frasier,” says that he might run for the U.S. Senate from California when he's done acting.

A sitcom star as a senator? This is the sort of thing that could give California politics a bad name.

Scientists claim to have found a jawbone in Romania dated to between 34,000 and 36,000 years old, making it the oldest fossil from modern man to be found in Europe.

At least since Mike Wallace's last trip to Paris.

A recent study of primetime television shows found that the use of profanity is up on every network.

You know why the use of profanity is up on primetime television? Queer makeovers.

Police in New Hampshire have arrested a man suspected of sneaking into several homes and cutting the clothes off of women while they slept.

It took a while for the police to arrest this guy because they first had to verify Bill Clinton's alibi.

A new poll of New Yorkers shows that former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani would beat Sen. Hillary Clinton in a race for the U.S. Senate.

Hillary's used to trailing in the polls. After all, she wasn't even the most popular woman in her own marriage.

A federal appeals court ruled yesterday that California recall election should proceed as scheduled for October 7.

You know what this means for Gray Davis: advantage Bustamante!

So for all you California voters, only two more weeks to egg Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Running back Maurice Clarett, who's been suspended from playing by Ohio State University, is suing the NFL for the right to enter the draft next year.

Apparently, he's having trouble finding a job that pays as much as playing college football.

Scientists in Ireland are developing a “smart sofa” that can determine who's sitting on it based on the person's weight.

It can also determine whether that person needs to go out and buy Dr. Phil's “Seven Keys to Weight Loss.”

A new survey finds that half of Americans plan to work well beyond the normal retirement age.

For example, I'll be working well into my 70s – but that's just because I'll be saving for my child's college education.

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Last night's crowd was ugly. I think they only came here when they couldn't get in to see “The Tonight Show” because all the California gubernatorial candidates were in the audience.

President Bush was in New York today to address the United Nations.

Here's how tight security was: you couldn't get a cab within a mile of the U.N. building.

President Bush urged the U.N. to focus on preventing other countries from getting nuclear weapons – and not just those countries that he makes it up about, either.

President Bush says he is not paying any attention to the race for the Democratic presidential nomination.

I can believe that. We all know if there's one thing President Bush is good at, it's not paying attention.

Scientists say that a 3,000 year-old ice shelf in the Arctic has broken up.

3,000 years-old and it still has fewer break-ups than Jennifer Lopez.

A new poll shows that President Bush has the lowest approval rating of his presidency.

To show how bad things are for President Bush, his approval ratings are almost as low as they were when he was elected president.

The Bush Administration wants to spend $9 million to modernize the Iraqi postal service.

And that's just for weapons and training.

A new survey finds that half of Americans plan to work well into their 70s and 80s.

You know what that means – more people surfing granny porn at work.

Scientists in Ireland are developing a couch that can change the channel on your TV or order pizza for you.

If you order too many pizzas, it'll also tell you to get your fat ass up and exercise.

A Minneapolis diversity consulting firm says that overweight workers are just as likely to be overlooked for promotions as they were ten years ago.

I don't know about that, but I do know that overweight White House interns are more likely to be overlooked than they were ten years ago.

The mastermind behind the Sept. 11 attacks, Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, now says that Al Qaeda had originally planned to hijack 10 planes for suicide attacks.

Fortunately, the largest thing to hit the White House has still only been Monica Lewinsky.

The Detroit Tigers are close to breaking the major league baseball record for the most losses in a season, 120 by the 1962 New York Mets.

So, if they continue to follow the lead of the Mets, with the right management and a little bit of luck, in another 40 years – they'll still suck.

After running into technical difficulties and using up its fuel the Galileo space probe, which was circling Jupiter for eight years, crashed and burned this past weekend – no, wait, that's the Jets.

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Today is the last full day of summer. And this weekend I saw a sure sign that summer is officially over – my mom winterized her frozen margarita blender.

Last night was Emmy Awards night – or, as they call it over at ABC, Sunday.

McDonald has hired Oprah Winfrey's personal trainer to develop healthier products.

That makes sense. If there's one person I think of when I think of healthy eating, it's Oprah Winfrey.

AOL Time Warner has decided to remove the letters “AOL” from the company's name.

The AOL people were pretty upset about this. As soon as they heard the news, they were on the phone with Puffy Daddy.

President Bush now says there was no evidence that Saddam Hussein was involved in the September 11 attacks.

He's still not sure about Martha Stewart.

In a recent interview, Ted Kennedy said that the Iraq war was “made up in Texas”.

It may have been made up in Texas, but I believe it was actually written in Washington.

Israel wants to expel Yassir Arafat because they believe he is unfit to be a leader and that the situation there is not going to get any better while he's in power – no wait, that's California Governor Gray Davis.

A Swiss bodybuilder has been arrested for offering to kill the woman who has accused Kobe Bryant of sexual assault.

He had a pretty clever plan – after he killed her, he was going to disappear by running for governor of California.

Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore has offered his Ten Commandments monument to Congress for display in the U.S. Capitol.

That's an excellent place for it – someplace where they ignore the Ten Commandments.

The Bolshoi Theater in Russia has fired one of their best-known ballerinas for being too big.

They told her to come back once she's completed Dr. Phil's Seven Keys to Weight Loss.

The New York Stock Exchange has named an interim chairman who will only be paid $1.

He's only an interim chairman, meaning that once they hire a permanent chairman, he'll go back to his job washing car windshields on the 8th Avenue.

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This week is fashion week here in New York.

So, for this week only, all the muggers in Central Park have been replaced by roving gangs of queer guys.

Another video tape of Osama bin Laden has turned up, where he looks like he's lost a lot of weight.

We know it's recent because he says he's been following Dr. Phil's “Seven Keys to Weight Loss.”

Mayor Bloomberg has announced a deal to make Snapple the official beverage of New York, meaning it will be available in all city-owned facilities.

For example, it will now be used to fill all city-owned pools.

Howard Dean has called on President Bush to send Bill Clinton to the Middle East to salvage the peace process.

If there's one thing Bill Clinton loves, it's being locked in a room with two other people – a threesome.

Saudi Arabia's religious police have said that Barbie dolls are a threat to morality and offensive to Islam.

Presient Bush was pretty mad when he heard about this, because, you know, if there's one thing he strongly supports, it's playing with toys.

Astronomers have discovered a black hole that's made the deepest note ever detected in the universe.

If you listen really closely, you can even hear it ask for an additional $87 billion.

As you all know, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez were reportedly going to get married this weekend.

Or, as she calls it, the beginning of the end.

Now they're saying they've delayed the wedding due to intense media attention.

You know whose pretty upset about this? Demi Moore – after she went to all that trouble finding a baby sitter for Ashton Kutcher.

The number one problem here in New York is noise pollution.

Thankfully, the Jets are doing their part to keep things quiet.

Former New York Times reporter Jayson Blair has signed a deal to write his first book.

Of course, he claims it's his third book.

Ozzy Osbourne's wife Sharon said she briefly left him this spring when their son, Jack, was in rehab, because he wouldn't stop abusing alcohol and prescription drugs.

It worked – as soon as she and Jack were out of the house, Ozzy stopped abusing alcohol and prescription drugs.

Madonna's first children book is going to be published next week.

It'll be the first children's book that comes with a parental advisory.

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Celebrity Birthdays: Arnold Palmer turns 74 today.

Arnold says he stays in shape with a healthy diet, regular exercise – and a shot of Penzoil every day.

They now have regular garbage pickups in Iraq.

You can tell we're finally getting serious about restoring order in Iraq when we start sending in the Teamsters.

President Bush has requested $87 billion more to help rebuild Iraq.

He's hoping some of that can be offset from selling the naming rights.

The U.S. Department of Agriculture is going to revise the Food Pyramid to help Americans eat healthier.

“Cheesy bread” no longer counts as a grain.

This week is fashion week here in New York.

Today, my cab driver was wearing a turban by Calvin Klein.

Mayor Bloomberg has announced a deal to make Snapple the official beverage of New York.

That replaces the old official drink – malt liquor.

The United States is accusing Iran of violating the Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty and running a secret weapons program.

President Bush says Iran had better give up its weapons of mass destruction or we'll hit them with the same thing we used on Iraq – Sean Penn.

The airlines are going to begin assigning passengers color-codes next year to indicate their threat level.

There will be three codes: “green” means you're not a threat, “yellow” means you might be a threat and “red” means you're a New York City cab driver.

California officials have determined that Michael Jackson has been getting an undeserved agricultural property tax break for his Neverland Ranch.

What happened was they did an inspection and there was no livestock on the property – well, except for Elizabeth Taylor.

A chain of strip clubs in Canada is offering to pay tuition for co-eds who work as strippers.

Coincidentally, this is the same strategy Bill Clinton used to hire interns.

Republican gubernatorial candidate Peter Ueberroth has pulled out of the California recall election.

This actually helps Arnold Schwarzenegger quite a bit – now he won't have to worry about pronouncing “Ueberroth.”

The world's oldest person, Kamato Hongo, is about to turn 116 and attributes her longevity to sleeping two days straight, followed by staying awake two days straight.

That's also worked well for Keith Richards.

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Boy, fall hasn't even officially started yet and already there's a real chill in the air here.

No, wait – that's just because Bill and Hillary are in town.

They're already saying it's going to be another harsh winter this year and today I saw a sure sign of that.

My cab driver's winter coat is already starting to come in.

This is kind of embarrassing. My mother is being sued by the Recording Industry Association of America for illegally downloading songs over the Internet.

U.S. officials are saying that they've narrowed Osama bin Laden's location down to a 40-square-mile section of Pakistan.

They 're pretty sure he's on a 35-day vacation at his ranch.

President Bush's request for more money to fight the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan will raise the federal budget deficit next year to $525 billion or more.

President Bush says he can reduce the deficit without cutting spending or increasing taxes – he's going to invade Switzerland.

Arnold Schwarzenegger held a town hall-style meeting last night, the same day Gray Davis held his own town hall-style meeting in a different part of the state.

They say Arnold did so well that afterwards his town meeting raped and pillaged Gray Davis' town meeting.

Over 30 Marines who were in Liberia recently have either contracted malaria or have symptoms of it and have been flown from their ship to hospitals.

No, I'm sorry – that was a bunch of people on a Disney cruise.

U.S. troops usually get immunized before deploying to a place like Liberia – or Times Square.

A jury in a civil suit has found that rocker Marilyn Manson did not commit battery when he pulled a man's head toward his crotch and began gyrating.

It's an impeachable offense, maybe, but not battery.

People in Seattle are protesting a proposal to put a tax on espresso.

People in Seattle love their coffee. Taxing coffee in the Seattle would be kind of like taxing the hookers here in New York.

A federal judge yesterday dismissed Martha Stewart's first attempt to have insider-trading charges against her dropped.

The judge's ruling began “As you probably already know... ”

The first girlfriend Arnold Schwarzenegger had after he arrived in the United States is writing a book about their relationship.

She was there when he first learned how to pronounce “orgy”.

A New York man successfully shipped himself in a wooden crate from New York to Texas.

Unfortunately, he still had a layover in Chicago.

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The NFL season kicked off this past weekend.

I always know football season is here when mom starts wearing face paint.

This season started just like most others – mom got busted for scalping tickets outside of Giants Stadium.

I had the whole family over at my house to watch the football games on the TV. I broke out the rabbit ears had the aluminum foil strung across the living room.

If was great until we had to call 911 when my Uncle Earl started choking on one of those big foam hands.

President Bush says he'll spend whatever is necessary to win the war on terror.

No, I'm sorry – I meant to win another term.

Well, you know what that means – more tax cuts.

According to the New York police department, major crime in the city has fallen by more than 6 percent since the beginning of the year.

I can tell. It's been weeks since I've had to beg for my life on the subway.

“Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star” was the No. 1 movie over the weekend.

They're already planning a sequel, where Dickie gets elected governor of California.

The Dalai Lama started a 16-day U.S. tour over the weekend.

If this tour goes well, he's hoping to be in Ozzfest next year.

Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel have agreed to go on tour again together.

These guys really don't get along so this is a big deal. It's kind of like Bill and Hillary Clinton agreeing to go on tour.

Scientists are now saying there's no chance that giant asteroid will hit the Earth in 2014.

Here's how unlikely it is: over the next 11 years there's a better chance that the Mets will win the World Series.

Yoko Ono announced she's going to perform a stunt where she'll sit motionless on stage and let audience members cut away pieces of her dress until she's naked.

I believe this means the terror alert level is back up to orange.

The New York Post reports that 5 percent of new policemen in New York are reading at a seventh-grade level or below.

I can believe that. Today in Central Park I saw a mugger helping a cop to read him his rights.

Magician David Blaine entered a plastic box suspended by a crane over the Thames River on Friday, where will he stay for 44 days with nothing but water, a diaper and a photo of his mother.

Coincidentally, that's how I got this job.

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Osama bin Laden's terrorist convention wrapped up in Afghanistan.

I believe they held it at the Tora Bora Exposition and Convention Center.

They had a pretty good turnout, 5,000 people, although most were just there for the free t-shirts and mugs.

Tonight was the first party-sanctioned debate amongst Democratic presidential candidates.

It was livelier than usual – especially when Al Sharpton tongue-kissed Joe Lieberman.

Last night's crowd was tough. After the show, they dropped my dog on his head.

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are reportedly getting married on September 14.

No word yet on whose going to give her ass away.

Madonna has recorded a special audio message to promote her new children's book.

It's kind of hard to understand her in the audio, though – with Britney Spears' tongue in her mouth.

Sen. Hillary Clinton says she's not going to run for president next year.

She decided she can't put her family through that right now – you know, all that time together.

Britney Spears says that she had never kissed a woman before she kissed Madonna at the MTV Video Music Awards last week – well, except for Justin Timberlake.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was hit with an egg at an appearance at a California university on Wednesday.

Apparently, it was just Ted Kennedy screwing around again.

Former New York Times reporter Jayson Blair has written a new article in which he blames his plagiarism on junk food.

Apparently, people at the Times first became suspicious when he started quoting Orville Redenbacher.

A construction worker in California who fell from a ladder and onto18-inch-long drill bit that impaled his skull lost an eye but survived without brain damage.

He's pretty lucky all right. They say he went to the hospital without a referral.

Bruce Springsteen is going to perform two concerts at Shea Stadium next month.

Finally – some hits at Shea Stadium.

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Out in California Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher haven't figured out yet who they're going to vote for in the big recall election – well, ok, who she's going to vote for.

Actor Johnny Depp said in an interview that the United States is a stupid, aggressive puppy.

And we all know how George Bush treats puppies.

A new edition of “Survivor” will be starting soon here on CBS. Every season they add a new twist to the show. This time, the sole survivor wins $1 million – and gets to be governor of California.

Sen. John Kerry of Massachusetts has formally announced his candidacy for the Democratic nomination for president.

Yeah, even Al Gore yawned when he heard this.

Hillary Clinton says she's not going to run for president next year.

She wants to let the Oval Office air out for a few more years.

U.S. astronomers say a giant asteroid is heading for Earth and could hit in 2014.

They say if it hits the Earth it would have the same effect as 20 million Ben Affleck-Jennifer Lopez movies.

Israel says that it may expel Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat by the end of the year.

Just in case that happens, he's been auditioning as a sideline reporter at the U.S. Open.

Janet Jackson has reportedly split up with her boyfriend.

Thank god she has a stable family that she can lean on in hard times.

In an effort to reduce costs, the U.S. Postal Service is going to reduce the hours at some of its post offices.

The Postal Service says consumers won't notice any change in service – the mail will be as slow as ever.

A cruise ship with more than 300 people sick with a Norwalk-type virus has docked in New York Harbor.

New York City Health Department officials say they haven't seen this many new cases of an infectious disease since Courtney Love was in town.

Magician David Blaine is going to be suspended in a plastic box over the River Thames in London for 44 days where he will consume only water.

Boy he must really hate British food.

Blaine says the box would contain only “some diapers, a journal, some pens and some lip balm.”

Just like Mike Wallace's office.

In an effort to show that he's in touch with the economy, President Bush had lunch on Tuesday with Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan.

It was a good opportunity for the President to get an update on the economy – and to have a “Happy Meal.”

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Osama bin Laden is hosting a terrorist convention in Afghanistan.

Next year they're planning on holding it in Atlantic City.

You know what that means – lots of “suicide” water balloon attacks.

U.S. astronomers have found a giant asteroid that's heading for Earth and could hit in 2014.

Great. Just when the Mets have started their 11-year rebuilding plan.

John Hinckley Jr., the man who shot President Reagan in 1981, says his mental condition has improved and wants to be allowed to visit his parents without supervision.

I'm thinking, if he's like most of us, visiting his parent isn't going to help his mental condition.

George Bush is back from his 35 day vacation.

I was thinking about this the other day and I'm wondering, can a guy take a 35 day vacation from a job he was never officially hired for?

A new poll shows that 2 out of 3 people can't name one of the nine Democratic presidential candidates.

The poll also found that 2 out of 3 people thought that Howard Dean was that guy who makes sausage.

Arnold Schwarzenegger said he is not going to take part in a candidate's debate in California on Wednesday, but that he would participate in one later in the month.

By then he should be able to pronounce “Bustamante.”

President Bush says that he is creating a high-level government position to focus on the needs of manufacturers.

Sure, because if there's one thing the Bush Administration needs it's more people friendly to business.

Action movie star Charles Bronson died over the weekend.

I knew him as the only man who could ever tame mom.

Tennis player Anna Kournikova has decided she won't continue working as a TV reporter covering this year's U.S. Open, saying she was uncomfortable interviewing other players.

Well, that and she was sick of getting hit on by Bill Clinton.

Jesse Jackson was arrested Monday as part of a protest in support of striking workers at Yale University.

This sounds like a worthy cause. When I think of Yale I think of poor and oppressed people.

Jesse's been doing this sort of thing for a long time and has it down pretty well now. He was arrested and released in time to make the early bird special at Applebees.

Republicans in Nevada have begun to gather signatures for a petition to recall Gov. Kenny Guinn.

This means that in a couple of months we could have Arnold Schwarzenegger as the governor of California and Elvis as the governor of Nevada.

Toyota has introduced a new car that can park itself.

This'll be great for New York. That way, drivers will have their hands free to make deals with hookers.

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