From July 2003 until October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN. I wrote and submitted about 10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used. But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get paid for it!

Dave is one of my top two all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It never, ever got old.

This section displays all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is). Use the archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.

Jokes highlighted in bold were used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention. You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by Jay and Carson and Jimmy) on my Late Night Jokes page.

Enjoy!

The MTV Video Music Awards took place tonight here in New York at Radio City Music Hall.

It's events like this that make New York great. This is the only city in the world where the guy who wins the award for Best Hip Hop Video one night can be the same guy who mugged you on the subway that morning.

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Arnold Schwarzenegger said in an interview that he thinks gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman.

I believe that's also President Bush's position.

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Ever since the big blackout a couple of weeks back, in an effort to keep it from happening again, they've been telling us here in New York to conserve energy.

So for all of you tourists staying in one of our fine hotel establishments, please, don't use the vibrating beds.

I'm doing my part – each night now I go around the house and clap off the lights in empty rooms.

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The Centers for Disease Control says that the number of reported cases of West Nile virus in the United States has doubled since last week.

They're recommending the usual precautions if you're going to be outside: wear long pants and long sleeved shirts -and avoid the hookers in Times Square.

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Labor Day weekend, of course, is the unofficial end of summer.

I always know the summer is really over when all the muggers come back from their summer places in the Hamptons.

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This week in New York City anything you buy up to $110 is tax-free.

My mom is in town this week and she's pretty happy because she's really saving a lot on her male escorts.

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This week marks the show's 10th anniversary on CBS and all week I've been pointing out how CBS has pretty much ignored it.

Well, I'm happy to say that CBS has finally come through with a special gift for the each member of “The Late Show” staff – autographed pictures of the “Big Brother 4″ cast.

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By now you all know that Mars is the closest to Earth that it's been in 60,000 years.

This whole Mars thing is amazing but it's starting to get to be a bit much. For instance, today I saw Mars on “Live with Regis and Kelly.”

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Football season is starting soon.

I know this because today my cab driver was wearing his pig skin turban.

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The Bush administration is going to exempt thousands of industrial factories from installing clean air controls.

You know who the big winner in this is – McDonalds.

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That monument of the Ten Commandments was hauled away from the Alabama Judicial Building yesterday.

I haven't seen somebody treat the Ten Commandments like that since Bill Clinton was president.

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Michael Jackson is opening his Neverland Ranch estate to 500 guests for one day next month.

Naturally, kids get to come along for free.

Tickets for two people cost $5,000.

$5,000? I remember when circus sideshows were only a nickel.

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Labor Day weekend is coming up.

Labor Day is that holiday where millions of hard working Americans get to take the day off and relax – and try to think up a good excuse to call in sick the next day.

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Whitney Houston's husband, singer Bobby Brown, who was arrested last weekend for violating his probation was sentenced to nine days in jail.

Or, as Bobby and Whitney call it, their “other house”.

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Today I saw a sure sign that fall is in the air.

My cab driver's turban has begun to change colors.

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U.N. inspectors have found traces of weapons-grade uranium at an Iranian nuclear facility.

The CIA may not actually have to make anything up before we invade this time.

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New York Jets quarterback Chad Pennington will miss at least 12 weeks after breaking his wrist in a preseason game last weekend, meaning that 40 year-old Vinny Testaverde is now the starter.

They say the Jets are really rallying behind Testaverde. In fact, they say they haven't seen anybody get behind a 40 like this since Ashton Kutcher hooked up with Demi Moore.

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O.J. Simpson says in a recent interview that if he hadn't had the money to hire really good lawyers he would not have been acquitted of murder charges.

Let this be a lesson to all you aspiring murderers out there.

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On Wednesday, Mars will be just 35 million miles from Earth, the closest it has been in nearly 60,000 years.

This means that Mars will officially be more down to Earth than Michael Jackson.

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Democratic sources say that Bill Clinton will make several appearances with California Gov. Gray Davis next month to try to help him survive the recall vote.

Clinton hasn't put this much of himself into something since he hired Monica Lewinsky.

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President Bush will meet at the White House next month with the new prime minister of Kuwait, Sheik Sabah Al Ahmed Al Sabah.

Or, as President Bush calls him “Mr. Prime Minister.”

Sheik Sabah is the brother of Kuwait's emir, Sheik Jaber Al Ahmed Al Sabah.

President Bush and the Sheik actually have a lot in common. For example, they're both in office thanks to their brothers.

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Tennis star Pete Sampras announced his retirement on Monday.

He won seven times at Wimbledon, five times at the U.S. Open and twice at the Australian Open, but he never won the French Open, which is pretty odd – an American not being victorious in France.

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The Congressional Budget Office says that the federal deficit could reach $500 billion next year.

President Bush said he would work harder than ever to keep the deficit less than a gazillion dollars.

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Former boxing champion Mike Tyson says he empathizes with Kobe Bryant.

Things just keep getting worse for Kobe.

You know you've hit rock bottom when Mike Tyson feels sorry for you.

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“Freddy vs. Jason” was the number movie over the weekend, for the second straight week.

I took mom to see this move and about half way through she said to me, “David, when do the mother and daughter change bodies?”

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You know how it is when you come back to work after a vacation and it feels like you were never away?

Well, I come into work today after two weeks off and I see that there's been more violence in the Middle East, the Mets are still in last place – and George Bush is still on vacation.

Yep, it's just like I never left.

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I don't know if you heard, but we had a big blackout in New York while we were gone.

In fact, as soon as I heard that the power went out in New York the first thing I thought was “It's happened again – we've been punked.”

The people here in New York were pretty well prepared for an emergency. Once the power went out, the hookers were able to run off of generators.

A lot of people were caught in the subways when the power went out. They say that when that happened everybody remained calm and proceeded in an orderly fashion to pick the pocket of the person next to them.

When the power went out in Times Square the only juices flowing were between the hookers and johns.

Everybody here in New York really pitched in to help each other through the blackout. For example, once the power went out, the stores only tripled the price of batteries and bottled water.

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A British scientist is claiming that men will be extinct in 125,000 years because the Y chromosome is decaying at an alarming rate.

Well sure, one look at Michael Jackson will tell you that.

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According to a new survey more than half of adults in New York are either overweight or obese.

Let this be a warning to all you tourists planning on coming to New York: never let a hooker get on top.

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Regis Philbin turns 70 today.

That's amazing. He doesn't look a day over Larry King.

You may remember him as Screetch from “Saved By The Bell.”

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In an effort to speed up service, McDonald's is developing self-service checkout machines.

That's the good news. The bad news is they're putting the bar codes right on the meat.

They're making the checkout machines pretty realistic – when you walk up to one it says “Huh?”

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Howard Dean launched a four-day, eight-city “Sleepless Summer Tour” this weekend.

If this goes well, I think he's got a shot at joining Ozzfest next summer.

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Singer Bobby Brown was arrested on a probation violation while having dinner with his wife Whitney Houston in Atlanta on Saturday.

Things got a little awkward when the police showed up and they both “assumed the position.”

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Mayor Bloomberg is in Israel where he plans to ride a public bus as a show of support for that country.

If he wants to ride a bus full of working class people who don't speak English he could do that right here in New York.

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Police arrested two men last week for growing more than 200 marijuana plants in a Brooklyn park.

Don't laugh. Why do you think everybody was so well behaved during the blackout?

Apparently, these guys are part of a much larger ring run by a couple of rats in Central Park

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It's continued to be real hot and muggy here in New York.

It's been so hot I paid a hooker an extra $10 for a “slurpee”.

It's been so hot I saw a bunch of rats on 2nd Avenue bust open a fire hydrant.

It's been so hot I saw a squirrel in Central Park fanning his nuts.

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It's been real hot over in Europe too. It's the hottest it's been in decades.

They say in France they're sweating like it's 1939.

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Out in California Arnold Schwarzenegger and Gary Coleman have announced they're running for governor.

Well, all I can say is thank god they have that recall process to keep things from getting really wacky.

Arnold made his announcement on NBC.

Here at CBS we're hoping to get Urkell to announce he's running for something.

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Jerry Springer has announced he would not run for the U.S. Senate in Ohio.

Gee, I guess he does have some pride.

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According to a new report by the Census Bureau New York has lost more residents to other states than any other state in America in recent years.

I think the technical term for this sort of migration is “fleeing”.

That doesn't surprise me. In fact, I noticed this morning that there were fewer people watching as I was beaten and mugged on the subway.

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More rat problems here in New York. The Fire Department has had to abandon a firehouse in Queens that's overrun with rats.

And to make matters worse, the rats are now demanding union benefits.

Queens officials are hoping to get the rats to move to some other abandoned building – like Shea Stadium.

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Jennifer Lopez is in talks to develop a new daytime television show.

She certainly has one talent required to be successful in television: keeping people from going to the movies.

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Scientists in Italy claim they have cloned the first horse.

This should really help McDonalds hold down costs.

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The U.S. has sent eight Marines to help keep the peace in Liberia.

Eight marines? I saw more people than that packing heat on the subway this morning.

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Whitney Houston turns 40 this weekend.

She continues to look really great for age. I wonder how she keeps that slender figure?

She's going to celebrate quietly with family and friends – and a big bag of blow.

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A new study by AAA finds that drivers are more distracted by eating or grooming when driving than by talking on the phone.

That reminds me of the time I was riding to work and we almost got into an accident because my cab driver was combing his back hair.

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Here at the Late Show we're always working hard to keep up with the competition. So we're glad to announce that tonight on the show I'll be getting made over by five drag queens from Times Square

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It's been really hot and humid here in New York lately. In fact, it's been so hot that people are actually going to see the new Ben Affleck-Jennifer Lopez movie just to cool off.

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Here's a tip for your tourists coming to New York: There's a new organization here in New York City that will take tourists on a two-to-four-hour long tour through the city's five boroughs – oh, I'm sorry, those are just the cab drivers.

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Yet another audiotape has surfaced and the CIA is pretty sure it's actually the voice of George Bush.

In case you haven't heard yet, President Bush is still on his working vacation in Texas.

His aides say he's been able to catch up on some things he's been meaning to get to for a while: “Finding Nemo”, “Spy Kids 3-D,” “Freaky Friday.”

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The Rolling Stones had to a cancel a concert in Spain after Mick Jagger got laryngitis.

Something's wrong when Keith Richards starts getting known as the healthy one in the band.

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Fisher-Price has issued a recall for about a quarter-million Sparkling Symphony crib mobiles because they can leak battery acid.

A crib mobile that leaks battery acid? Didn't we invade Iraq to punish people who make things like that?

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The Episcopal Church has officially elected their first openly gay bishop.

Is it just me, or do I smell a new cable TV reality series here?

He'll be the first bishop who can not only help you get to know God better – but he can also help you pick out a good Chianti.

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Mike Tyson has filed for bankruptcy, claiming he owes $300,000 to a limousine company, $173,000 to a jeweler and $60,000 to a Ferrari dealer.

Nope, nothing out of the ordinary there.

His only hope is another George Bush tax cut.

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A Powerball winner from West Virginia had $545,000 in cash and cashier's checks stolen from his SUV while he was in a strip club, but the money was later recovered.

Well, at least he didn't do anything stupid with his money.

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Cosmonaut Yuri Malenchenko is going to get married this weekend while he's in orbit on the International Space Station and his fiancee is on the ground.

That's not so unusual – a married guy not having sex with his wife.

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A federal judge has ruled that Florida cannot prosecute two former America West pilots for flying a plane while they were drunk.

That's too bad, because we all know how good Florida is at fairly adjudicating things.

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President Bush is on a 35-day vacation in Texas.

Let's see, the economy is in the toilet, Iraq is a mess and his approval ratings are dropping steadily – yeah, I'd say he's earned a break.

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McDonald's is developing robots to make burgers and fries.

This doesn't sound so crazy; after all, if a robot could be vice-president for eight years, making burgers and fries should be no sweat.

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CBS is making a TV movie called “Helter Skelter” based on the Charles Manson murders.

It's part of CBS' efforts to bring “family hour” back to TV.

They're still looking for an actor to play Manson.

The producers are busy going through the “Big Brother 4″ audition tapes even as we speak.

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Here at CBS, the producers of “60 Minutes” haven't decided yet whether they would bring back the debates between Bill Clinton and Bob Dole this fall.

They felt that Bob Dole was really having trouble “getting up” for the debates.

They're kicking around different ideas for revamping the format.

I'm thinking, if they really want some real fireworks, they should replace Bob Dole with Hillary.

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Hustler magazine publisher Larry Flynt announced Monday that he plans to run for governor of California as a Democrat.

Gee, I hope he doesn't do anything to embarrass the Democratic party.

He said he favors legalizing prostitution.

Well, in that case, I think we all know a certain ex-president who's going to be campaigning for him.

I don't know about California, but he's got some strong support in Chappaqua.

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It's been really hot and humid and downright soupy in here in New York the past few days.

I'll tell you how hot it's been, after my cab ride to work this morning, I decided not to give my cab driver his usual goodbye hug.

I'll tell you how humid it's been, this morning my cab driver asked me if I wanted a wet cloth to cool down with. I said “yes” and he handed me his turban.

It's been so humid I could see the perspiration in my cab driver's hair this morning – and that was just on his back.

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Talk show host Jerry Springer will decide in the next few days whether to run for U.S. Senate from Ohio next year.

Apparently, he's really tired of being on stage with a bunch of trash-talking freaks – which is why he's decided not to run for governor of California.

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U.S. forces have really stepped up their hunt for Saddam Hussein in the last couple of days.

In fact, I couldn't get into my cab this morning until the 101st Airborne Division was done interrogating my driver.

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A fire destroyed a warehouse at the Jim Beam distillery in Kentucky containing about 19,000 barrels of bourbon on Monday.

Just to give you an idea, that's roughly the equivalent of four Ted Kennedys.

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President Bush is on a month-long working vacation in Texas.

A working vacation in Texas? Yeah, I think we all know what that really means – space camp.

It really is going to be a busy vacation for him; his aides have brought a lot of action items for him to attend to – I'm sorry, that's action figures.

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President Bush had his annual physical on Saturday. He left the doctor's office with a clean bill of health – and a lollipop.

Bush's doctors say he's in great shape. In fact, they say he's got the body of a much younger man – just like his reading level.

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I had an awful weekend. I got sick as a dog after I ate at this movie theater – no wait, I didn't have anything to eat. I just went to see “Gigli.”

I took mom to see that new Ben Affleck-Jennifer Lopez movie this weekend and after it was over she said to me “David, Ben Affleck may be one hot piece of ass, but that movie sucked.”

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Mike Tyson has filed for bankruptcy, claiming his finances are in disarray.

Boy, I don't think anybody saw this one coming.

He knew he was in trouble when Don King's credit cards started getting rejected.

So now he's gone bankrupt and his boxing career is on the rocks – well, thank god he still has his good name.

Apparently, he's squandered $300 million in ring earnings.

I haven't seen somebody burn through that big of a surplus since George Bush became president.

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Martha Stewart turned 62 on Sunday.

Just three more years until she's eligible for retirement – and five more years until she's eligible for parole.

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There are 3,600 people in New York City that are licensed to carry a loaded weapon.

Well, 3,601 if you count Bill Clinton.

That's 3,600 people who can legally carry a loaded weapon around with them.

Let's see, there are 30 million people in the metro area, and only 3,600 of them have guns – yeah that sounds accurate.

The list of people allowed to carry a weapon includes Robert De Niro, Howard Stern and Donald Trump.

Uh oh. You know what that means, Paul – no more Donald Trump hair jokes.

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The NFL pre-season started this past weekend.

I always know when the football season is almost here. Instead of getting pistol whipped, the muggers start taking me out at the knees.

The Jets lost the pre-season opener to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in Japan, 30-14.

Here's some advice for you frustrated New York fans: try to avoid rooting for any team whose name ends in “ets”.

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A new survey finds that two-thirds of Internet users who download music don't care whether they're violating copyright laws.

The other one-third don't download any music illegally – because they're too busy downloading porn.

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Michael Jackson is going to launch his own line of men's clothing.

All of the clothes will have snaps and Velcro fastenings – you know, to make it easy for the kids to take off.

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