From July 2003 until October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN. I wrote and submitted about 10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used. But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get paid for it!

Dave is one of my top two all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It never, ever got old.

This section displays all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is). Use the archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.

Jokes highlighted in bold were used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention. You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by Jay and Carson and Jimmy) on my Late Night Jokes page.

Enjoy!

I apologize if I seem a little cranky tonight. This morning I woke up on the wrong side of the couch.

Things keep getting uglier for me. Earlier today out on 53rd street my own wife was leading the Fire Dave rally.

We have a new problem here in New York City: skunks. There are skunks everywhere you look – and that doesn’t even include me.

We have a new problem here in New York City: skunks. They estimate that we’ve got millions of skunks in the city – and that’s not counting the ones that commute in from New Jersey.

We have a new problem here in New York City: skunks. Here’s bad it is: earlier today out on 53rd street a bunch of skunks held their own Fire Dave rally.

Last night in Minnesota Brett Favre and the Vikings beat the Packers. Brett had a great game; he had three touchdowns, no interceptions and only 4 bathroom breaks.

Last night in Minnesota Brett Favre and the Vikings beat the Packers. Brett said it was so much fun he’s not even going to think about retiring this week.

Arab states are considering replacing the dollar as their main currency for trading. And if it works there we’ll try it here.

On this date in 1889 Thomas Edison showed the first motion picture. The movie was only a few seconds long, but was preceded by 20 minutes of previews.

A cruise ship company is going to retrace the route of the Titanic for the 100th anniversary of the sinking in 2012. Sounds like a good idea; after all, what could go wrong?

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We have a new problem here in New York City: skunks. These skunks are brazen; in fact, earlier today, one of them pitched a big tent in Donald Trump’s backyard.

We have a new problem here in New York City: skunks. Here’s a warning to you tourists: if you see a skunk, approach with caution because if they get scared they will spray you – no, wait, I’m sorry, those are New Yorkers.

We have a new problem here in New York City: skunks. Skunks aren’t new to New York, though. Hell, we used have one as governor.

We have a new problem here in New York City: skunks. These skunks are brazen; in fact, earlier today, one of them pitched a big tent in Donald Trump’s backyard.

THURSDAY: Oprah was in Copenhagen today to try and get International Olympic Committee to award the 2016 Olympics to Chicago. Oprah is really going all out – she said if they award the Olympics to Chicago she’ll pay for the whole thing.

THURSDAY: Oprah was in Copenhagen today to try and get International Olympic Committee to award the 2016 Olympics to Chicago. Oprah is really going all out – today she gave each member of the IOC a free car.

THURSDAY: Oprah was in Copenhagen today to try and get International Olympic Committee to award the 2016 Olympics to Chicago. Oprah is really going all out – she brought Dr. Phil with her to give all the IOC members free swine flu shots.

FRIDAY: President Obama was in Copenhagen today to try and get International Olympic Committee to award the Olympics to Chicago. Chicago has a great history of amateur sports – hell, the Cubs have been playing like amateurs for a hundred years.

FRIDAY: President Obama was in Copenhagen today to try and get International Olympic Committee to award the Olympics to Chicago. Meanwhile, John McCain was in Applebees trying to persuade his waitress to give him extra pie.

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Kelly Ripa turns 39 today. 39 – hell Regis has money older than that.

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Peanuts turns 59 today. Things have a changed a lot since Peanuts first debuted; for example, remember Lucy’s psychiatric booth? She used to charge a nickel per visit. Now she there’s a $25 co-pay.

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Annie Leibovitz turns 60 today. Her friends got her a lot of lovely presents – which she then hocked.

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Annie Leibovitz turns 60 today.You can tell Annie’s getting up there; when she walked into bankruptcy court today she said “Wait, why did I come in here?”

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: our own Biff Henderson turns 63 today. Here at the show we threw Biff a big party that was attended by all of his friends which they tell me was lovely.

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: our own Biff Henderson turns 63 today. Here at the show we threw Biff a big party and he and I shared nice moment of awkward silence.

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