From March through December of 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the LATE NIGHT with JIMMY FALLON. I wrote and submitted about 8 jokes for each show they taped, most of which weren't used. But, sometimes, one was!

This section displays all of the jokes I submitted to the show for this brief time. Use the archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.

Jokes highlighted in bold were used on air. You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Jimmy, as well as those told by Dave, Jay and Carson on my Late Night Jokes page.

Enjoy!

Do you guys remember when President Obama had a beer with the Harvard Professor and the police officer who arrested him? Well, Henry Louis Gates and James Crowley were spotted this week at a pub in Cambridge, having a drink. At this rate their next meeting will be in rehab.

President Obama planted a tree on the North Lawn of the White House this week in a spot where George W. Bush’s tree “did not take,” according to the White House. He planted the tree after conferring with his advisers about whether to withdraw Bush’s tree or plant more trees.

Police in Arkansas are searching for the people who stole two container trucks filled with a half-million dollars worth of tampons. They say the people should be considered armed and extremely moody.

This is big: The U.S. economy grew in the third quarter at its best pace in 2 years – signaling the end of the recession. So, spread the word: tell all of your unemployed friends the recession is over

Daylight Savings begins Sunday �"everyone remember to set your clocks back one hour. It’s been a year since we last turned the clocks back – when the Republicans were in power.

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The World Series started last night. It was a rainy night; it was so rainy that at one point they had to cover the infield with CC Sabathia’s pants.

Today in Pakistan Secretary of State Hillary Clinton had a testy exchange with a student. She got so mad that, out of habit, she told the student to sleep on the couch.

In an interview with Glamour magazine, First Lady Michelle Obama urges women not to choose men because they are cute, because “cute only lasts for so long – like most men.”

The Washington Times is reporting that President Obama allowed one of his top donors to use the White House bowling alley. If he takes his top donors bowling I’d hate to see how he treats his lesser donors.

A new study published in the Cerebral Cortex finds that bad driving skills are genetic. Based on these findings authorities immediately revoked the licenses of all of Billy Joel’s kids.

An obese man in New Jersey is making the case that he is too fat to have killed his son-in-law. He officially pleaded not guilty by reason of Oreos, pizza and Haagen Dazs.

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The World Series started today – New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg asked kids in New York to wear Yankees gear to school today. It was great – everywhere you looked kids were wearing pin-striped bulletproof vests.

Earlier today NASA launched the world’s tallest rocket, the 327-foot-tall Ares I-X launch. So, apparently, somebody at NASA is compensating for something.

Researchers in Germany have determined that modern man had sex Neanderthals – but are still unsure if they produced offspring. The only evidence we have that humans and Neanderthals have reproduced are Maria Shriver and Arnold Schwarzenegger’s kids.

Researchers in Germany have created a new iPhone app that can drive a car. An iPhone app may be able to drive a car, but it still takes a human to drive a car while texting.

Police in Poland are looking for a man who tried to rob a bank with a teaspoon. That’s an actual news story and not the beginning of a Polish joke.

Police in Poland are looking for a man who tried to rob a bank with a teaspoon. Police say he should be considered unarmed and hungry.

Cher’s child, Chaz Bono, says in a new interview on “Entertainment Tonight” that he “shaves about once a week” since having gender reassignment surgery. So on the female-to-male range he’s reached the Rosie O’Donnell stage.

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Two Supreme Court justices, Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Antonin Scalia, each had roles in a recent performance at the Washington National Opera. You know your production is boring when you need Ruth Bader Ginsburg to spice it up.

Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich said yesterday that he will most likely run for president in 2012 after he and his wife “assess the field of candidates.” Apparently they’re waiting to see if the field of candidates includes somebody with a dumber name than “Newt.”

Senator John Kerry spoke out against Dick Cheney yesterday, saying that “after eight years of neglecting Afghanistan as vice president, he is coming out of retirement to criticize President Obama.” In response Dick Cheney offered to settle their differences with a hunting trip.

Two Northwest Airlines pilots told investigators that they were using their laptops last week when their plane overshot its destination by 150 miles. That makes sense; it’s not like there’s anything else to do in a cockpit.

The British government announced a new program yesterday to give career advice to school children on YouTube and Facebook. The first piece of advice? Stop wasting time on YouTube and Facebook.

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Earlier today in Texas former President George W. Bush gave his first speech as a motivational speaker. The theme of his speech was “If I can become president, you can do anything!”

The White House released the first official photo of the Obamas on Friday – taken by Annie Leibovitz on September 1. This is a big deal because if there’s one thing we all know about the Obamas it’s that they’re camera shy.

Bill Clinton’s childhood home in Arkansas will become part of the National Park Service in 2010. The house has been restored to look just like it did when Bill was born in 1946 – right down to the tires.

The pilots of that Northwest Airlines flight that missed Minneapolis by 150 miles last week – well they say they weren’t sleeping, but just having a heated discussion about airline policy. That’s obviously a lie because a discussion of airline policy would put anybody to sleep.

A new report (from the Families and Work Institute) found that one in three American workers has at least one symptom of depression. The symptom? Unemployment.

A newspaper in Denver, Colorado is now taking applications for a medical marijuana reviewer. They say they’ve already received hundreds of incomprehensible resumes.

Michael Jackson’s concert documentary “This Is It” premieres worldwide tomorrow at midnight. The advance buzz is so good they’re already planning a sequel, “No THIS Is It.”

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