From March through December of 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the LATE NIGHT with JIMMY FALLON. I wrote and submitted about 8 jokes for each show they taped, most of which weren't used. But, sometimes, one was!

This section displays all of the jokes I submitted to the show for this brief time. Use the archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.

Jokes highlighted in bold were used on air. You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Jimmy, as well as those told by Dave, Jay and Carson on my Late Night Jokes page.

Enjoy!

Police in Pittsburgh had to use pepper spray and loud noises to disperse protesters at the G-20 Summit. It’s the same techniques they had to use to get the world leaders to go to Pittsburgh.

Hundreds of people have been protesting at the G-20 summit in Pittsburgh. They weren’t actually protesting the summit – they were just protesting being in Pittsburgh.

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez said during his speech to the General Assembly that the UN doesn’t smell of sulfur anymore and that “it smells of something else, it smells of hope.” Then he added it could also be from the Mexican take-out he had for lunch.

A restaurant in Washington, D.C. has a new item on its menu named after Michelle Obama – the “Michelle Melt” is an organic turkey burger with caramelized onions, Swiss cheese, ruby red tomato, crisp lettuce, South Lawn herb garden mayo on a wheat bun. They also have an item named after Hillary Clinton – it’s a chicken dish made with all thighs and no breast meat.

Chris Brown will take a break from his 180-day community service sentence to perform at a concert in New Jersey on October 27. It won’t count towards his community service, but spending a day in New Jersey will count as one day in prison.

Universal Studios will make a live-action movie about Barbie. Producers were complete overwhelmed when they put out a casting call in LA for a 50-year-old blonde made out of a plastic .

A 71-year-old man in Texas was cited this week for gardening in his back yard in the nude. Neighbors called the police when they saw the man spraying his hose.

Germany will open an 11-mile nature trail in May for people who like to hike in the nude. They’ve also opened a much shorter trail for people who don’t like to hike in the nude.

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There’s a big UN general assembly going on here in New York City this week. Leaders from all over the world are arguing, bickering and fighting – it’s like The View with translators.

President Obama has been working hard at the UN General Assembly trying to broker peace deals all over the place. Here’s how busy he’s been trying to make peace: he’s already gone through two cases of beer.

The tenth annual G-20 Summit began today in Pittsburgh – with leaders from the world’s most industrialized countries meeting to discuss the global economy. They have a lot of big issues on their plates: the economy, climate change and how to prevent future summits from being in Pittsburgh.

A woman in Indonesia gave birth to a 19.2-pound baby boy this week. The baby’s so big he skipped formula and went right to cheese fries.

Former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin gave a big speech in Hong Kong yesterday. It’s her first speech outside of North America – aside from the ones she made while she could see Russia.

Police in Iran this week warned shopkeepers not to use mannequins without headscarves or with exposed body curves. Experts say this could severely hurt business at the Tehran Victoria’s Secret.

A new study in the journal Anesthesiology found that a full moon has no effect on the outcome of a heart-related surgery. So, hey – good news for you werewolves!

A new NBC News/Wall Street Journal poll finds that more Americans favor Glenn Beck over Rush Limbaugh. By “favor” they mean “slightly less likely to run over with their car.”

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There’s a UN General Assembly going on in New York City this week. Dictators from all over the world are in town: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad from Iran, Col. Muammar Qaddafi from Libya and Barbara Walters from The View.

Sarah Palin gave her first speech outside North America today to 1,000 investors at a conference in Hong Kong. She wasn’t their first choice, but Tina Fey was busy.

Sarah Palin gave her first speech outside North America today to 1,000 investors at a conference in Hong Kong. After the speech John McCain dropped 10 points in the Hong Kong polls.

The National Postal Museum received an $8 million donation to build a new street-level gallery in Washington, D.C. The bad news is the check got lost on the mail.

Nick Lachey is auctioning off the chance to win a dinner date with him to benefit the VH1 Save the Music Foundation. Not only will Nick have dinner with the winning bidder, he’ll also be the waiter.

Vice President Joe Biden spoke at a retirement home in Maryland today, and tried to reassure senior citizens that health care reform will not affect them negatively. Unfortunately, he torpedoed his own message by convening a death panel immediately after his speech.

“The Wizard of Oz” will return to movie theaters tomorrow in a new, digitally enhanced version to mark its 70th anniversary. The 70-year-old film was enhanced, restored and touched up by the same team that works on Nancy Pelosi.

Former New York Giants receiver Plaxico Burress began serving 2 years on an illegal weapons charge yesterday. It’s a stiff sentence: he’ll serve two years in prison followed by two years on the Detroit Lions.

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During his appearance on “Larry King Live” last night, Bill Clinton said that President Obama can “keep a lot of balls in the air.” It was followed by an extremely awkward silence.

The world’s oldest man celebrated his 113th birthday yesterday in Montana at an invitation-only party. He attributes his long life to eating well, keeping physically and continuing to host Larry King Live every night.

A design company in Britain unveiled plans for a new aircraft seating passengers across from each other in rows and putting 50% more people on each plane. The worst part is that applies to the bathrooms too.

A new study from the journal of Biological Psychiatry finds that people who suffer from major depression are at risk for low bone mineral density. But if you know somebody who’s depressed, don’t tell them that; it’ll only bum them out more.

Two students at MIT have developed a program called “Project Gaydar” that they claim can predict sexual orientation based on a person’s Facebook friends. The way it works is it predicts your gay if more than half of your Facebook friends watch Dancing with the Stars.

A woman from Alabama placed the winning bid of $63,500 on eBay to have dinner with Sarah Palin. It’s the highest price someone has paid to be with Sarah Palin since she cost John McCain the presidency.

The Massachusetts Supreme Court will now permit police to break into a suspect’s car and secretly install GPS tracking devices if they have a warrant. The court also ruled that even if they don’t have a warrant they can break into anybody’s car and secretly install satellite radio.

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A woman from Alabama placed the winning bid of $63,500 on eBay to have dinner with Sarah Palin. The good news is the cost of the dinner is deductible – and so is the cost of having her head examined.

Vice President Joe Biden will give his first major health care speech tomorrow to the National Association of Insurance Commissioners in Washington, D.C. He’ll be promoting President Obama’s health care reform plan and universal coverage for hair plugs.

A new study in the Journal of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics finds that enforcing bedtimes can improve kids’ health. They found that making kids go to bed on time greatly reduces the chances that their parents will want to kill them.

Walt Disney Studios Chairman Richard Cook resigned on Friday – after 38 years with the company. Disney had a big going-away party for him and people had to wait in line for hours to get in.

A 42-year-old man from Pennsylvania won the World Grits Eating Championship on Saturday, a day after he won the World Burrito eating championship on Friday. His funeral was held on Sunday.

A naked 91-year-old man in Florida was able to hold a drunken intruder at gunpoint until police arrived on Saturday. The 91-year-old man was unharmed, but the intruder is still being treated for extreme nausea.

The leader of the Jedi church in England is threatening to sue a supermarket that asked him to leave because he refused to take off his ceremonial hood. He’s just lucky he wasn’t waving his light saber.

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Tomorrow’s my birthday and I turn 35. I can tell I’m getting older; today instead of playing video games I spent the afternoon at a town hall meeting on health care reform.

During a health care rally at the University of Maryland yesterday, President Obama told students that, under his health care plan, they will be covered by their parents’ insurance until age 26. He said that under his plan students will have to be off of their parents health plans by 26 and out of their house by 30.

A man in Norway who legally changed his name this week to Julius Andreas Gimli Arn MacGyver Chewbacca Highlander Elessar-Jankov says he has been planning the switch for years. He said the delay was because he had to special order new monogrammed towels.

The Prime Minister of Poland refused to take Hillary Clinton’s call on Wednesday night – informing him that the U.S. will not build a missile-defense base in his country. He’s the first world leader to refuse to take Hillary’s call – other than Bill.

New research from Ohio’s Cleveland Clinic finds that losing weight could help kidney function in obese adults. The same study also found that losing weight could help the functioning of couch springs.

Rod Stewart’s son, Sean was not injured after he crashed his $200,000 Bentley GT in Beverly Hills. Doctors say he can immediately return to doing nothing.

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During an interview with CNBC, President Obama made an off-the-record comment that Kanye West is a “jackass” for his behavior at the MTV Video Music Awards. In response, earlier today Joe Wilson said “You’re Right!”

67 year-old Harrison Ford confirmed yesterday that he, George Lucas and Steven Spielberg are agreed on what the fifth “Indiana Jones” movie will be about. In this next movie, Indiana Jones will face his biggest threat yet: an Obama Death Panel.

Kate Gosselin continued her special guest hosting duties on “The View” today. She’s turned out to be a good addition to the show; during one heated exchange today she actually gave Joy Behar a timeout.

Muntadhar al-Zaidi, the Iraqi man who threw his shoes at President Bush last year, was released early from prison today. He was given a “conditional discharge” which means for the rest of the year he has to stay out of trouble and go barefoot.

A 102-year-old woman from London said she quit smoking after 95 years because she “doesn’t fancy it any more.” She said the best part of quitting is that people don’t try to bum smokes off of her at bars any more.

Venus and Serena Williams won their tenth Grand Slam doubles title yesterday at the U.S. Open. Amazingly, all the close calls went their way.

Amy Winehouse reportedly earned more than $30,000 to perform at a Greek wedding in England over the weekend. Clearly somebody was on drugs when that deal was made – and not just Amy.

After his outburst at the VMA’s on Sunday, Donald Trump is calling for a boycott of Kanye West, saying he “was grandstanding to get attention.” He then called Rosie O’Donnell a fat pig, fired Miss Universe for posing nude in a magazine, and announced he was renaming Atlantic City to Trumpsburg.

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Last night at the MTV Video Music Awards Kanye West interrupted Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech for Best Female Video to say that he thought Beyonce deserved to win. VMA organizers said it won’t happen again, but Oscar organizers have hired Kanye to help keep their acceptance speeches short.

A woman in Pennsylvania was arrested for letting her 6-year-old daughter drive an SUV. That’s really irresponsible – letting your child drive such a gas guzzler.

There’s a new audio message out from Osama bin Laden in which he accuses President Barack Obama of being unable to pull US troops out of Iraq like he promised. Experts are sure it’s recent because he also rails about the fact that Taylor Swift won the Best Femal Video VMA over Beyonce.

At a rally in Minneapolis on Saturday, President Obama warned that half of all Americans under 65 could lose their insurance in the next decade. However, he said the good news was half of Americans under 65 will soon be dead from the swine flu, so it’s a wash.

Happy birthday to Amy Winehouse who turns 26 today. Her made her favorite birthday cake: chocolate with the cocaine icing.

Hugh Hefner claims that he waited more than ten years to divorce his former Playmate wife because of his children. That’s not surprising because when you think Hugh Hefner, you think family man.

Police in California are searching for an elderly man with an oxygen tank, wearing an argyle sweater and white beret, who robbed a bank on Saturday. Police say he should be considered armed and extremely cranky.

Yesterday was National Grandparents Day – which occurs every year on the first Sunday after Labor Day. Just like every other year, Larry King’s kids got confused and made him a card.

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President Obama will appear on CBS’s “60 Minutes” this Sunday, in an interview taped tonight. A lot of kids have already said they won’t let their parents watch.

Representative Joe Wilson called his outburst during President Obama’s health care speech the other night “spontaneous” – to which Obama responded, “Liar!”

President Obama accepted Joe Wilson’s apology yesterday, saying “we all make mistakes.” He then added “Take me – I’m the guy who picked Joe Biden as his running mate.”

A black Tibetan Mastiff has become the world’s most expensive dog, after being sold for $582,000. The dog is so expensive he won’t even sniff your crotch if you make less than $100,000.

Ellen DeGeneres promises to be “honest but kind” to every contestant when she becomes the fourth judge on “American Idol.” Shortly after hearing this Fox announced that Ellen would not be joining American Idol.

A cheetah at the Cincinnati Zoo set a new world record this week – by running 100-meters in just over 6 seconds. Officials at the zoo say the record won’t be official until the cheetah passes a gender test.

The NFL had its first game of the season last night, when the Tennessee Titans played the Pittsburgh Steelers in Pittsburgh. Almost every NFL team will play its first game of the season this Sunday – and so will the Detroit Lions.

Harvard and Yale University each lost 30 percent of their endowments in the last year due to the worldwide recession. Despite the drop both Harvard and Yale went to great lengths to explain that no matter what you hear, they are both still very well endowed.

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President Obama declared in his speech before Congress last night that “no one should go broke because they got sick.” He said people should only go broke because they invest in the stock market.

President Obama predicted that his health care plan will cost $900 billion over 10 years – less than the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. In fact he said his plan is so cheap, he’s thinking of invading Canada just for the hell of it.

Ellen DeGeneres will replace Paula Abdul as the fourth judge on “American Idol.” Producers said she’s a great choice to replace Paula because she’s smart, she’s funny and she won’t sleep with any male contestants.

The Department of Homeland Security launched a campaign this week to train 3.4 million Girl Scouts in the U.S. to be prepared for hurricanes, pandemics, terror attacks and any other disasters that can be solved with cookies.

A new study (from the University of Surry in Britain) finds that couples suffer 50% more sleep disruptions if they share a bed. I believe the medical term for it is “having sex.”

Nicole Richie had a baby boy on Wednesday and named him Sparrow James Midnight Madden. When asked why she chose the name, Nicole said he was named after her eating habits.

Dick Cheney now says that he may run for president in 2012. Makes sense; he does have 8 years of experience being in charge of the country.

A White House panel of space experts says that returning to the moon by 2020 is too expensive. The space program is so hurting for money that NASA announced earlier today they’ve eliminated beverage service on the space shuttle.

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eBay is auctioning off a dinner for five with Sarah Palin and her husband, Todd for a minimum bid of $25,000, with the proceeds going to charity. For $50,000 she’ll actually kill the main course.

eBay is auctioning off a dinner for five with Sarah Palin and her husband, Todd for a minimum bid of $25,000, with the proceeds going to charity. For $50,000 you can keep Todd.

Happy Beatles: Rock Band Day! The Beatles: Rock Band was released today with 45 songs for $250. I don’t want to say it’s overpriced, but even Ringo can’t afford it.

A White House panel of space experts says that returning to the moon by 2020 is too expensive. They say the only way to make it affordable is to scale back our plans or start charging the astronauts for each checked bag.

In California this week they had to close the Bay Bridge because they found a big crack in it. A team of engineers is trying to fix the crack using steel, epoxy and cement; it’s the same team that takes care of Cher.

Here in New York the Mets new stadium is apparently suffering from a lot of problems: leaks, crumbling tiles, and electrical problems. The good news is the Mets are trying to alleviate the fans suffering by making sure their season is over as quickly as possible.

A woman in Sudan has been jailed for wearing pants, which is considered indecent. That’s the difference between Sudan and New York City: there wearing pants is considered indecent, here it’s considered overdressing.

The swine flu is affecting everything. Earlier today the NFL announced that for this season they were switching to flag football.

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In his speech to the nation’s schoolchildren today, President Obama didn’t mention health care reform, but asked kids to show up to school and pay attention to their teachers. Afterwards, most kids said they would have rather heard about heal care reform.

In his speech to the nation’s schoolchildren today, President Obama asked kids to show up to school and pay attention to their teachers. After the speech his approval rating was at an all-time low among kids under 18.

Former first lady Laura Bush is defending President Obama’s speech to school children, saying that it’s “really important for everyone to respect the President of the United States.” You know things are bad when the Bushes are feeling sorry for you.

Happy birthday to Star Trek which debuted on this date in 1966 on NBC. Star Trek is just like its average viewer: 43 years old and not appealing to women.

Archeologists discovered a massive ancient wall in Jerusalem, 26-feet-tall and 3,700 years old. Archeologists were able to date the wall based on descriptions in old texts, carbon dating and some old Madonna concert posters they found on it.

Good news – football season starts this week. It’s all back: the hitting, the tackling, the violence – but enough about Shawne Merriman.

The crystal-encrusted white glove worn by Michael Jackson in 1996 sold for $49,000 at an auction in Australia. So, for $49,000 the winning bidder got the glove, a certificate of authenticity and a whole lot of grief from his wife.

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A choreographer for the Miss Universe pageant says that Donald Trump personally picks the finalists. Not only that, but he also personally gives all the girls a gender test.

Jon Gosselin joined Twitter this week, using the name @jongosselin1. He had over 25,000 followers so far. I can think of one person who isn’t following him.

A woman in Canada claims that Keanu Reeves is the father of her four children – and is asking for $150,000 per month in child support. She says the kids are obviously his because they look just like him, sound just like him and not one of them can act.

A man in Florida was arrested this week after he called 911 twice to report that he was hungry. It worked, since he got fed in jail.

A man in Sweden will pump his breasts eight times a day until December – in the hopes of producing breast milk. He said he’s hoping it will work so that someday if he has children he’ll be able to scar them for life.

The population of Miami, Florida declined in 2009 for the first time in 63 years – due to rising taxes and low incomes and the fact the Brett Favre decided to not retire.

A nun in Long Island, New York was arrested for drunk driving this week after she crashed her car into a tree. She’s been suspended from her duties pending her trial, which means, ironically, that she’s free to drink.

No one was injured when a taxi cab caught fire and exploded yesterday morning here in New York – just a few blocks away – at 53rd Street and 7th Avenue. The driver said he was happy to be alive but disappointed that he didn’t get a tip.

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A new study finds that 11 p.m. Eastern Time is the most popular time of day for using the Internet in the US. That’s surprising because who knew that many people were at work at 11 p.m.?

Vikings quarterback Brett Favre will not play against the Dallas Cowboys tomorrow night to avoid injury. Just to be safe extra safe the Vikings also bought him a seat for his shower, a motorized chair for getting up and down the stairs, and his own personal Lark.

In an interview with Vanity Fair, Levi Johnston said he would consider posing for Playgirl magazine if it would get him out of Alaska. Ironically, if he didn’t live in a place as cold as Alaska Playgirl would be probably be interested.

Investigators believe that the wildfires ravaging Los Angeles were started by humans. They based their conclusion on the fact that humans are the only species that can make fire.

President Obama will deliver a national address to school children next Tuesday on the importance of success in school. What better way to stress the importance of school than by interrupting the school day?

A man was rescued Thursday after falling off a cruise ship and treading water off the coast of Florida for more than an hour. He was picked up by another cruise ship; after he was pulled on board he was given blankets, fluids and 8 square meals.

A man was rescued Thursday after falling off a cruise ship and treading water off the coast of Florida for more than an hour. Luckily, after a week of a cruise ship food he was able to serve as his own flotation device.

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Philadelphia will take out a $275 million loan from JP Morgan Chase to help ease the city’s budget crisis. Things are so bad in Philadelphia that Eagles QB Michael Vick has volunteered to be the city dog catcher for free.

The airline industry lost more than $6 billion during the first half of this year because of the economic crisis. They say technically the money wasn’t lost, it was accidentally sent to Detroit.

Chris Brown clarified yesterday that he does remember beating Rihanna – and says he was misquoted during his interview with Larry King, saying he doesn’t remember the incident. Larry King, on the other hand, said he doesn’t remember interviewing Chris Brown.

Police in New York City are searching for a thief who stole a musician’s $5,000 flugelhorn after he fell asleep on the N subway train. The musician said it wasn’t the first time somebody on the subway had touched his flugelhorn.

Congratulations to the kids from Chula Vista, California who won the Little League World Series over the weekend. After the game, the team got a congratulatory call from the Obama girls.

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The world’s oldest dog died last week at the age of 21. Earlier today Michael Vick denied having anything to do with it.

Bob Dylan announced on his radio show that several companies have approached him to voice their GPS systems. It would be the first GPS system featuring a celebrity voice and the first GPS system featuring subtitles.

A newspaper in Britain claims that 29-year-old actor Macaulay Culkin is the biological father of Michael Jackson’s 7-year-old son, Blanket. Makes sense; they look alike and neither one currently has a career.

Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Favre said said this week that he might have cracked a rib. He’s already pretty banged up; he said he’s also suffering fom glaucoma and osteoporosis.

Workers in Ireland discovered a 3,000-year-old barrel of well-preserved butter. Archaeologists identified it is as butter by the toast crumbs by it’s color, texture and the fact there were bread crumbs in it.

Christian broadcaster Pat Robertson is recovering after a 10-hour surgery on Monday to repair an irregular heartbeat. The good news is he’s doing fine and the world finally has evidence that conservatives can have a heart.

Madonna is in Israel this week and visited the Western Wall on Sunday. It’s the first time one ancient relic has ever been visited by another ancient relic.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney said this week that he has serious doubts about Obama’s ability to defend our nation. Cheney said he’d feel a lot more comfortable if Obama had least shot a guy before.

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