From March through December of 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the LATE NIGHT with JIMMY FALLON. I wrote and submitted about 8 jokes for each show they taped, most of which weren't used. But, sometimes, one was!

This section displays all of the jokes I submitted to the show for this brief time. Use the archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.

Jokes highlighted in bold were used on air. You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Jimmy, as well as those told by Dave, Jay and Carson on my Late Night Jokes page.

Enjoy!

Three fisherman from Texas were rescued after their boat flipped over and they spent 8 days at sea – they lived off crackers, gum, chips, and beer. Big deal; I survived off of crackers, gum, chips and beer for four years in college.

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The Obamas just returned from a week-long vacation on Martha’s Vineyard. They drove home yesterday in RV One.

The Iraqi journalist imprisoned for throwing his shoes at George W. Bush will be released early next month because of good behavior. As part of the terms of his release he won’t be allowed within 500 feet of a Payless ShoeSource.

Ted Kennedy’s 532-page memoir “True Compass” will be released on September 14. Needless to say, there won’t be a book signing tour.

Nine separate earthquakes hit Oklahoma on Sunday. Luckily no homes were damaged since they all had their emergency brakes on.

India lost contact with its only communications satellite orbiting the moon �" announcing that its scientists are no longer controlling the spacecraft. On the bright side, when they called tech support about it, it was a local call.

Newly declassified government documents say that the CIA used to blow cigar smoke in the face of terror suspects as an interrogation technique. Other interrogation techniques they used included gum smacking, talking on a cell phone during the movies and never picking up a check at a restaurant.

Bernie Madoff’s mistress has written a book. In it she says that swindling wasn’t the only thing he could do in the blink of an eye.

Congratulations to Miss Venezuela Stefania Fernandez who was crowned Miss Universe last week. This marks the 58th straight year that someone from the Earth has won.

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An 11-year-old student interviewed President Obama in the Oval office yesterday. I believe he’s the first person with a middle-school education to conduct business in the Oval Office since George W. Bush.

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Today is our 100th Episode! I think we’ve proved all those critics wrong who said we’d never even survive this long – that means you mom.

Michael Phelps was in a car accident last night in Baltimore. Luckily he wasn’t hurt, but he did spill bong water all over his upholstery.

Michael Vick signed a contract to play with the Philadelphia Eagles yesterday. It’s a two year deal – but it’ll seem more like 14 years to Michael Vick.

This weekend is the 40th anniversary of Woodstock. It’s been 40 years but Woodstock still hasn’t gotten rid of the smell of wet hippie.

This weekend is the 40th anniversary of Woodstock. 400,000 hippies attended the concert over three days and almost all of them have made their way home by now.

To curb his country’s population boom, India’s new Health Minister proposed bringing electricity to remote villages so that people watch TV late at night instead of having sex. He’s also proposed airing reruns of Jon & Kate Plus Eight around the clock which should discourage people from having babies.

A new poll from Amsterdam finds that most Dutch people prefer going to the bathroom to having sex. It’s not surprising, given how many dikes they have there,

A new study finds that women spend 16 months – or 12,000 hours – of their lives crying. That means that men spend 16 months of their lives saying “Honey, I’m sorry – what did I do?”

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A new study out finds that one out of two of people has a favorable opinion of Hillary Clinton. I’m not sure how accurate that is – the only people they polled were Bill and Hillary.

Police in Chicago are searching for a man wearing a Winnie the Poo sweatshirt who robbed a bank at gunpoint yesterday. Police say the suspect is probably armed, dangerous and still living with his parents.

The Population Reference Bureau predicts that the world’s population will hit 7 billion in 2011. They say most of the population increase will come from developing countries, poor countries and the Octomom’s house.

A New York-based sporting goods company donated new baseball equipment to the Iraqi national baseball team. In return the Iraqis promised to give some pointers to the Mets.

A 110-year-old tortoise in England will become a father after finally mating with the female who rejected his advances for 15 years. Actually, it wasn’t that she rejected him so much as it was that it took him 15 years to make his way over to her.

A 110-year-old tortoise in England will become a father after finally mating with the female who rejected his advances for 15 years. Congratulations to the happy parents: 47-year-old Tammy and 110-year-old Larry King.

Neil Diamond’s concert DVD “Hot August Night/NYC” goes on sale in Walmart stores tomorrow. That means that right now, outside Walmarts all across the country, thousands of people are not-lining up.

Facebook is testing a new, stripped-down service called Facebook Lite for countries with limited Internet connections. So, that’ll be one more thing about foreign countries that’s slimmer than the US.

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The Taliban in Afghanistan has just released a code-of-ethics handbook for their followers. That’s good because if there’s one thing I can stand it’s an unethical terrorist.

The Taliban in Afghanistan has just released a code-of-ethics handbook for their followers. It’s all part of the Taliban’s efforts to win the hearts and minds of the people, which is why they’re now also offering health coverage for same-sex spouses.

The Labor Department just reported that worker productivity has gone up 6.4% this year, at the fastest pace since 2003. They say we just need a few more Denial of Service attacks on Twitter and the recession will be over.

GM says that its new electric car, the Chevrolet Volt, can get 230 miles to the gallon. Before you get too excited – those are highway miles; it only gets like 200 miles to the gallon in the city.

Happy birthday to actor George Hamilton who turns 70 today. He looks good for 70 and his doctor says he has the body of a much younger alligator.

Astronaut Pamela Melroy, the last-ever female space shuttle commander, is retiring from NASA. Experts say she could fly the shuttle as well as any man; the only thing she couldn’t do was parallel park.

Zac Efron is being sued for $3,000 by a woman who claims he is responsible for rear-ending her car back in 2006. That’s surprising; I think most women would pay to get rear-ended by Zac Efron.

A week after Michael Douglas’s son Cameron was arrested for selling meth, his girlfriend was arrested for trying to smuggle heroin into his court hearing. So now he’s being charged with drug possession, drug distribution and being the dumbest person on the face of the earth.

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In Congo yesterday Secretary of State Hillary Clinton got testy when a student asked her for Bill Clinton’s thoughts on an international financial matter. She got even testier when a female student asked her for his phone number.

President Obama was in New Hampshire today to discuss his health care plan. It was another town hall meeting or, as those in attendance called it – UFC 102.

Jessica Simpson was in Japan when a magnitude 6.6 earthquake hit Tuesday morning. She said she thought she was hallucinating, except she wasn’t sure what that meant.

Jessica Simpson was in Japan when a magnitude 6.6 earthquake hit Tuesday morning. She said when the earthquake hit she was lying in bed watching Elmo.

Barnes and Noble will buy the company from its chairman in a deal worth $596 million – and that doesn’t include shipping and handling.

A woman in New York became the first American to receive a Wi-Fi pacemaker. That means doctors will be able to monitor her heart as long as she’s within 10 feet of a Starbucks.

Twenty-four people were stranded on a roller coaster in California Monday for more than four hours because of a mechanical failure. Combined with the time they had to wait in line, that means they spent ten hours on one ride.

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An investigation by the Associated Press found that South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford used state aircraft to take trips to his children’s sporting events, to his hairdresser and to his dentist appointments. Sanford said he was extremely embarrassed by the revelation that he has a hairdresser.

Paula Abdul is in demand now that she’s left American Idol. So far, since she left the show, she’s been offered spots on Dancing with the Stars, So You Think You Can Dance and Celebrity Rehab.

Today was Sonia Sotomayor’s fist day as a Supreme Court justice. Her first day didn’t get off to a good start when she caught a glimpse of Ruth Bader Ginsburg in the women’s locker room.

Mark Lester, the godfather of Michael Jackson’s children, claims that he is the father of Michael’s daughter Paris. He said Paris doesn’t look anything like Michael Jackson; then again, Michael Jackson didn’t look anything like Michael Jackson.

Sarah Palin posted on Facebook that President Obama’s health care plan is “downright evil” and would create a “death panel” that would deny care to the neediest Americans. She also posted that if his plan was a John Hughes movie it would be Curly Sue.

Australia has set aside $16 million to kill the country’s growing population of camels and will use trained hunters to shoot them from helicopters. So, I think we’ve finally found something for Sarah Palin to do in retirement.

A woman in Greece set fire to a man’s genitals at a club after he made sexual advances on her. Unfortunately, the guy was a masochist, so he didn’t get the message.

A new survey finds that older adults who live in the western United States feel younger compared to their peers in the East. Yeah – generally about three hours younger.

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Yesterday the Senate officially confirmed Sonia Sotomayor as the nation’s first Hispanic Supreme Court justice. Legal experts say she should bring some spice to the court.

Yesterday the Senate officially confirmed Sonia Sotomayor’s nomination to the Supreme Court, replacing justice David Souter. Still no word yet on who Obama will nominate to replace Paula Abdul.

John Hughes – the director of “The Breakfast Club,” “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” and “Home Alone” – died of a heart attack in New York City on Thursday. The former stars of his movies are taking the news hard; earlier today Molly Ringwald said she was, like, totally bummed.

John Hughes – the director of “The Breakfast Club,” “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” and “Home Alone” – died of a heart attack in New York City on Thursday. Earlier today Anthony Michael Hall got turned down when he asked Molly Ringwald to be his date at the funeral.

The new G.I. Joe movie opened earlier today. You can tell Joe is getting a little older now; the name of the movie is “G.I. Joe: Mall Cop.”

Officials at a jail in Houston, Texas found a gun that an obese inmate hid in the folds of his skin – that went unnoticed after five body searches. They say the guards who conducted the searches have been given reprimands – and counseling for post-traumatic stress disorder.

A woman in Connecticut who was named “Nurse of the Year” in 2008 has been charged with pretending to be a nurse. The bad news is she could get up to 5 years in prison and lose her title of “Nurse of the Year”; the good news is she’s already been named “Actress of the Year.”

A teacher in Malaysia forced a student to smoke 42 cigarettes in four hours as punishment after finding a cigarette and lighter in his locker. His parents were just glad she didn’t find a condom in his locker.

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American reporters Laura Ling and Euna Lee say their North Korean jailers fed them food with rocks in it. Today when they heard the newsNorth Korean citizens said “How come they got such good food?”

President Obama said on Wednesday that the economy will recover, saying “We don’t give up. We don’t surrender our fates to chance. We have always endured.” I’m not sure he really believes that because right after that he sent Treasury Secretary Timothy Geitner out to buy a bunch of scratch tickets.

New York Assemblyman James Tedisco introduced a bill that would charge wealthy criminals $90 a day for room and board at state prisons. The good news is it would come with a free continental breakfast.

New figures show that dentists in England and Wales earn an average of $151,000 each year. It’s a great job being a dentist in England – each year you get $151,000 and 52 weeks of vacation.

Lynette Squeaky Fromme, a following of Charles Manson who pointed a gun at President Ford, is going to be paroled from prison after 34 years. She’s been in prison so long that she’s changed her name from Squeaky Fromme to Creaky Fromme.

Rand Paul, son of 2008 presidential candidate Ron Paul, will run for the U.S. Senate in Kentucky next year. Ron Paul, for those who don’t know has 2 sons: Rand and Rund.

The Arena Football League has shut down indefinitely �" after 22 years of play �" and will likely file for bankruptcy. The Arena League was the longest running minor league football operation other than the Jets.

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Bill Clinton has returned home after spending a day in North Korea negotiating the release of two U.S. journalists – at least, that’s what he told Hillary.

Bill Clinton has returned home after spending a day in North Korea negotiating the release of two U.S. journalists. When Hillary asked where he’d been he said he was out walking the Appalachian Trail.

During his trip to North Korea Bill Clinton was photographed looking sombersitting next to Kim Jong Il in his drab pants suit . When I first saw it I thought it was a picture of Bill and Hillary.

Paula Abdul announce on her Twitter page Tuesday night that she’s leaving American Idol. It was an interesting announcement; I’ve never seen someone slur a tweet before.

President Obama surprised Hearst columnist Helen Thomas with cupcakes for her 89th birthday on Tuesday during the White House daily briefing. As an aside, that’s probably the only time you’ll hear “Helen Thomas” and “cupcake” mentioned in the same sentence.

The “cash for clunkers” rebate program will likely exist for at least one more month, after the Senate cleared the way Tuesday to pass $2 billion for the program. Experts say if the bill doesn’t pass by Friday the program will have to be renamed “IOU for clunkers.”

The United States Marine Corps has banned Twitter, Facebook and MySpace from its networks because they pose security risks. The announcement caught many Marines off guard, including one veteran who said “Shazam!” and “Surprise, surprise, surprise!’

A man in India plans to break a world record by having the flag of all 220 nation in the world tattooed on his body. He’s not a big guy so in order to get all the flags him they say he’ll have to take Viagra.

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Happy birthday to President Obama who turns 48 today. He had a party and they played his favorite birthday party game: pin the tail on Joe Biden.

Happy birthday to President Obama who turns 48 today. He had a great party but his birthday wish didn’t come true: his mother-in-law is still living with him.

Happy birthday to President Obama who turns 48 today. Michelle got him a lovely present – a monogrammed teleprompter.

Bill Clinton arrived in North Korea today to try and negotiate the release of two US journalists imprisoned since March. He’s certainly no stranger to hostile environments – like he and Hillary’s bedroom.

Yesterday Hillary Clinton began a 7-nation tour of Africa in a show of U.S. support to struggling regions. Thanks to the poor economy earlier today she added a US leg to the tour.

Police in Long Island arrested a Mr. Softee ice cream truck driver for possession of cocaine and marijuana and endangering the welfare of a child. The endangering the welfare of a child charge isn’t related to the drugs – it’s for actually selling kids Mr. Softee ice cream.

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Four people were seriously hurt when a Continental Airlines flight from Brazil to Houston ran into severe turbulence and had to make an emergency landing in Miami earlier today. On the bright side, the passengers actually landed up in the same city as their luggage.

A minor earthquake hit Tennessee, North Carolina and Georgia on Saturday morning, registering a 3.2. Luckily, no one was hurt, but a few homes did get flat tires.

“Jon & Kate Plus 8″ returned to TLC earlier tonight, with Jon and Kate giving their interviews on separate chairs instead of sitting together on a couch. So, finally, they looked like a real married couple.

A man in Long Island was arrested this weekend for dealing cocaine out of his Mister Softee truck. Police said they first became suspicious when they saw him serving Amy Winehouse.

A well-preserved 4,500-year-old skeleton of a man was found on a beach south of Rome. Archaeologists at first thought it was the remains of a Roman soldier, but it turns out it was just Larry King on summer vacation.

China announced this week that astronaut candidates will be disqualified for having bad breath, body odor, or runny noses. The good news is anybody being disqualified for those reasons can still get a job as a New York City cab driver.

This weekend Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin dived more than 4,600 feet to the bottom of Lake in a submarine. It’s the deepest hole the leader of a country has been in since Bill Clinton was fooling around with Monica.

A man in Albuquerque, New Mexico has developed a device that converts Mountain Dew into fuel for car engines. Apparently Mountain Dew makes the car run great, but it can rot the grille.

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