From March through December of 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the LATE NIGHT with JIMMY FALLON. I wrote and submitted about 8 jokes for each show they taped, most of which weren't used. But, sometimes, one was!

This section displays all of the jokes I submitted to the show for this brief time. Use the archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.

Jokes highlighted in bold were used on air. You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Jimmy, as well as those told by Dave, Jay and Carson on my Late Night Jokes page.

Enjoy!

Yesterday at the White House President Obama had Henry Louis Gates and Sgt James Crowley over a for a beer. It went so well they’ve all agreed to meet again in Cancun for spring break.

A White House aide said that the interaction between Henry Louis Gates and James Crowley was friendly and warm. Unfortunately, their families didn’t get along so well; Sgt Crowley’s family tried to arrest Profesor gates’ family.

Happy birthday tomorrow to MTV. Here’s how long MTV has been around: one of the original VJs was Larry King.

Pope Benedict will release an album on November 30. On the album he sings, recites prayers to the Virgin Mary and calls out 50 Cent.

A Japanese Astronaut aboard the space shuttle Endeavor has been wearing the same pair of experimental, odor-free underwear for the last month. He said his fellow astronauts never complained so, apparently it’s true what they say: in space, no one can smell your stink.

Today was the trading deadline for major league baseball. This year’s big sellers were the Pirates; earlier today they closed out the trading season by trading the Pirate Parrot to the Red Sox for two minor league mascots.

In New Jersey last week a bunch of rabbis were busted for selling black market kidneys. In their defense, the rabbis said the kidneys were kosher.

Madonna has started writing for an Israeli newspaper. It makes sense – after all, her career began back in biblical times.

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Earlier today at the White House President Obama had Henry Louis Gates and Sgt James Crowley over a for a beer. The meeting got off to an awkward start when Sgt Crowley asked to see Obama’s ID.

Earlier today at the White House President Obama had Henry Louis Gates and Sgt James Crowley over a for a beer. By all accounts the meeting was a success – which means nobody was hauled away in cuffs.

A group of Senators have introduced a bill to ban texting while driving. I’m so in favor of this bill that as I was driving to work this morning I texted my senator about it.

Happy birthday today to California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, who turns 62. He’s 62 but his doctors say he’s in great shape and has the body of a much younger neanderthal.

Former New York Giant Plaxico Burress is testified before a grand jury this week which is considering indicting him on charges of felony gun possession. The charges are serious: he faces up to 3 ½ years in prison or 3 years with the Jets.

New Jersey lawmakers have approved a $515 million plan that will more than double the amount of solar power generated by the state. That’s right, they say it should double the amount of solar power and the number of politicians busted for corruption.

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The Senate Judiciary Committee approved Suprme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor by a 13-6 vote on Tuesday; Lindsey Graham was the only Republican to stray from party lines to vote for her. Other Republicans said they knew he was going to stray when, just before the vote, he announced that he was going to hike the Appalachian Trail.

An MTA employee is under investigation for letting her 8-year-old son drive an express subway train on Sunday. Passengers said they knew something was amiss when the train was on time.

Brett Favre has announced that he’s not coming out of retirement to play for the Minnesota Vikings. He said this is it, he’s absolutely, positively done and he’s definitely not coming back, so, you know what that means: he’s definitely coming back.

“Jackass” star Johnny Knoxville has agreed to pay $6,000 a month in child support for their 13-year-old daughter. He said paying $6,000 a month will be a lot like stapling his testicles – but more painful.

A Florida couple claims they found a dead mouse inside a can of Diet Pepsi. In Pepsi’s defense, they said it was a low-cal mouse.

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Michael Vick was reinstated by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell on Monday, after serving two years in prison for running a dog fighting ring. The commissioner was hard on Vivk; he literally made him sit up and beg for it.

House Democrats held a 5-hour, closed-door meeting on Monday to discuss health care reform. So who says Democrats aren’t in favor of torture?

Britain’s last surviving World War I soldier, Harry Patch, has died. He was 111 and hadn’t seen any action since 1918 – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s Joan Rivers.

President Obama said Monday that the WNBA serves as an inspiration for his daughters, Sasha and Malia. He said for them the WNBA is an inspiration, but for him it’s a sleep aid.

There’s a pizza place in Brooklyn that’s now charging $5 per slice. I don’t mind paying the high price so much as I do having to wear a jacket and tie.

New research has found that obese people spend on average $1400 more a year on medical expenses. The researchers found that the difference is even greater if you expand the definition of medical expenses to include Oreos.

The New York Mets fired team executive Tony Bernazard on Monday after he challenged members of the Mets minor league team to a fight earlier this month. Luckily nobody was hurt, since all the Met players went hitless.

Happy birthday today to Sally Struthers who turns 61. Friends say she looks like she has the body of a much younger woman, while non-friends say she looks like she ate the body of a much younger woman.

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French President Nicolas Sarkozy was hospitalized for medical tests after he fainted while jogging on Sunday near Paris. His doctors say he’s fine but, for the next 6 weeks, he’s been ordered to refrain from getting a new trophy wife.

Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates and the white police officer who arrested him have agreed to meet with President Obama at the White House this week to discuss the incident. Here’s a suggestion for President Obama: make sure you bring your ID.

Microsoft co-founder Bill Gates said he was forced to quit Facebook because too many people wanted to be his friend. Ironically, that’s the exact opposite reason why he quite Harvard.

Scientists in Galapagos say that a 100-year-old Galapagos giant tortoise is about to become the oldest father on record. It won’t be official until the female tortoise gives birth and they double check Larry King’s age.

Army Col. Henry Moak ate a canned cake at his retirement ceremony that the government had issued to him 36 years ago. In the military it’s called a C-ration; outside the military it’s called a Twinkie.

Yesterday India launched it’s first locally built nuclear-powered submarine. Prior to this, India’s only experience in building nuclear submarines was in tech support.

A 77-year-old Philadelpha man recently became the oldest person to ever undergo transgender surgery. He said he waited so long to become a woman because he wanted to be sure to miss menopause.

19 people were arrested in Connecticut on Sunday and charged with betting on illegal bird fights between songbirds. Even Michael Vick thought that was awful.

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Yesterday in New Jersey 44 people including three mayors, two state assemblymen and five rabbis were arrested and charged with being part of a crime ring that involved political corruption, money-laundering, and bribery. So, its good to hear that the New Jersey’s number one business is booming.

The ratings for President Obama’s primetime press conference on Wednesday night were down 14% from his last press conference. President Obama’s not happy about it; when he heard the ratings he immediately fired his teleprompter.

The U.S. minimum wage rose from $6.55 to $7.25 an hour today. So, finally, some good news for Drew Lachey.

UN Goodwill Ambassador Angelina Jolie visited Baghdad on Thursday to offer support for displaced Iraqi families. The visit was a big success; she met with four families, and only broke up two of them.

Federal agents in California have confiscated more than $1.2 billion worth of marijuana and arrested 82 people in connection over the last 10 days. It was all part of operation Michael Phelps.

Police in Michigan arrested a man for drunk driving after he parked his car on the police station’s front lawn. He failed a field sobriety test: he couldn’t mow in a straight line.

A man in California is suing a restaurant after he found a condom in his French onion soup. Apparently what happened was, he took a spoonful of his soup and bit into something rubbery – then he bit into the condom.

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President Obama held a primetime press conference last night about his health plan. Here’s how it went: he had 15 minutes of prepared remarks, then he took questions for about 30 minutes, then for the remaining 15 minutes reporters addressed their questions directly to his teleprompter.

Billy Joel is dating Alex Donnelley, the former star of “The Young and The Restless.” So, she’s gone from The Young and The Restless to The Old and The Hairless.

On this date in 1903 Ford sold it’s first car. It also marked the first time anybody ever used the word “undercoating.”

The Cook glacier – one of the largest glaciers in the southern hemisphere – shrunk by 20% in 40 years. Scientists attribute it to global warming and cutting way back on the carbs.

Police in Florida arrested a woman for practicing dentistry in her garage. Her patients first became suspicious she wasn’t a real dentist when she drilled their cavities using a Black and Decker drill.

A monkey in Texas was caught on security cameras robbing a plant nursery. It’s the most impressive achievement by a monkey since an ape was elected governor of California.

Indian officials have filed an official complaint against Continental Airlines for frisking their former president back in April. I believe it’s the first time a president has been felt up like that by someone other than his wife sine Bill Clinton.

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Jon Gosselin’s new girlfriend Hailey Glassman says that he’s a “great cook.” She said on their first date he made a romantic dinner of macaroni and cheese, chicken nuggets and milk.

On Tuesday Oakland, California became the first US city to tax medical marijuana. When they heard the news, marijuana users took the streets to protest – but when then they got out there they forgot why they had taken to the streets.

Al Gore’s hometown of Nashville, Tennessee set a new record for low temperatures on Tuesday when it hit 58 degrees. It was so cold in Nashville yesterday that Al Gore had to give back his Oscar.

20 year-old actor Jamie Waylett, from the “Harry Potter” films, was sentenced to 12- hours of community service on Tuesday for growing marijuana. In his defense, Waylett said he thought growing marijuana WAS a community service.

David Hasslehoff said on The View Tuesday that President Obama needs to be more entertaining. For example, he suggested that Obama start holding press conferences on the floor.

Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger is being sued for $440,000 by a woman who claims that he sexually assaulted her during a golf tournament in Nevada last July. He denied the allegations and said he would never, ever play golf.

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin will stop being governor on Sunday. She’s already begun transferring power to her lieutenant governor; earlier today she gave him the keys to her wardrobe.

Michael Vick was officially released from federal custody on Monday. He’s out of prison but on probation; for the next three years he can’t get within 100 yards of a Petco.

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Michael Vick was officially released from federal custody yesterday. Everybody’s pretty unhappy about it – aside from cats.

Robert Buck, the man known as the “Naked Cowboy” here in New York City, has announced that he’s running for mayor. Experts say his poll numbers should be impressive – at least until the cold weather comes.

A new book by a former Washington Post reporter reveals that it was a nightmare for the Secret Service to keep track of the Bush twins.The book is titled “Duh.”

Yesterday on The View Whoopi Goldberg questioned whether the moon landings were real. She said the moon landings were a cruel hoax played on the American public – just like the last time she hosted the Academy Awards.

A man in Canada was arrested for driving a speeding car while watching a porno movie on DVD. He was charged with speeding and illegally operating his stick shift.

TLC is creating a reality TV show called “One Big Happy Family” that follows a morbidly obese family facing everyday realities. The show is being shot in HD – and widescreen.

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40 years ago today Apollo 11 landed on the moon. Everybody who was alive 40 years agi remembers where there were when men first landed on the moon – except for Keith Richards.

Famed news anchor Walter Cronkite passed away last week at the age of 92. This week friends and colleagues have been remembering him; earlier tonight Larry King reminisced about first hiring Walter as an intern.

Henry Allingham, the world’s oldest man, has died at the age of 113. Doctors announced the cause of death as being older than Larry King.

President Obama and his family are going to take a summer vacation on Martha’s Vineyard next month. They’ll be driving up there in RV One.

Janet Jackson has offered to become the legal guardian to Michael Jackson’s three children. She should make a good parent: we’ve all seen that she has the parts to breast feed.

Last week the New York Senate officially voted to ban texting while driving. The good news is it’s still OK to drive while texting.

Rapper 50 Cent has slashed the price of his Connecticut mansion from $14.5 million to $10.9 million. He’s also been forced to change his name to 25 Cent.

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Pope Benedict XVI fell and broke his wrist on Friday. He’s doing well; his doctors have upgraded his condition from stable to saintly.

Donald Trump’s daughter Ivanka announced her engagement to New York Observer owner Jared Kushner on Twitter Thursday. Donald, of course, will be giving the bride away – which will be the first time he’s ever given anything away.

The Emmy Awards were announced yesterday and congratulations to us for being nominated for Outstanding Creative Achievement in Interactive Media – Nonfiction. There’s more: we were also nominated for an Emmy for receiving an Emmy nomination in the category with the longest name.

NASA admitted on Thursday that it erased footage of the Apollo 11 moon landing. They also admitted that all of their video cassette recorders are still blinking 12:00.

Bernie Madoff was moved this week to a prison in North Carolina. He’s disappointed; he had asked to be moved to a prison in the Hamptons.

California officials estimate that a proposal to tax marijuana would generate $1.4 billion in revenue – and that’s only what would come from the increased sale of snack foods.

A 17-year-old California teenager just became the youngest person to sail around the world alone. His parents said they were glad he was back safely and that the trash was still waiting to be taken out.

A 17-year-old California teenager just became the youngest person to sail around the world alone. He said the worst part was being away from his parents for a year and the best part was being away from his parents for a year.

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The Sears Tower in Chicago was officially named the Willis Tower on Wednesday after a London-based financial company. People in Chicago aren’t happy about it; when most people heard the news they said, “What you talkin’ about, Willis?”

Ellen Degeneres came in second on Forbes Woman’s list of the Most Influential Women in Media. Coincidentally she also came in second on Forbes’ list of the Most influential Men in Media.

The new Harry Potter movie opened on Wednesday. You can tell Harry Potter is a lot older now because in this film he experiences wand dysfunction.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford skipped a meeting with an economic adviser on Wednesday to spend personal time with his wife, Jenny. Actually, it turns out that “spending time with his wife” is really code for hiking the Appalachian Trail.

Jon from Jon & Kate Plus Eight is already out there dating. He’s got a certain type of woman he likes – he was spotted holding hands with the Octomom.

California officials estimate that a proposal to tax marijuana would generate $1.4 billion in revenue. Sounds to me like somebody in California is already smoking something.

52-year-old “Sex and the City” star Kim Cattrall and her 32-year-old boyfriend have broken up. Actually, they didn’t break up so much as she can’t remember where she put him.

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Last night Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince set an all-time Hollywood box office record for midnight screenings – making $22.2 million. Which is even more amazing considering that none of that was from anyone on a date.

Congratulations to the American League, which won the baseball All-Star game in St. Louis last night. For winning the game the team that wins the American League pennant gets home field advantage in the World Series – and they get to run GM.

President Obama was at the All Star game last night. He was busy: he threw out the first pitch, he sat in the broadcast booth and after the game he collected urine samples.

Bill Clinton recently revealed that he supports same-sex marriage. We already knew that he supports non-marriage-sex marriage.

Police in Indiana arrested a couple for smoking marijuana while waiting in the drive-through line at an Arby’s restaurant with their one-year-old was in the back seat. I can’t believe parents would expose their baby to something that unhealthy – you know, eating at Arby’s.

Steve Rattner, President Obama’s chief advisor on the automobile industry, announced on Monday that he’s resigning. Rattner says he’s looking forward to spending more time straightening out his own family.

A new study finds that men who are more than nine years older than their wives are twice as likely to get divorced. The study was based on 2,500 marriages between an older man and a much younger woman – all of them Larry King’s.

A man in New Jersey was sentenced to four years in prison for stealing 91 lobster tails from the kitchen of an Atlantic City casino. So for the next four years he gets to be the piece of tail.

China’s Health Ministry ordered a hospital to stop using electric shock therapy to cure nearly 3,000 youths of their Internet addiction. They said, however, that they’ll continue to use electric shock therapy to try to cure kids of wearing baggy pants.

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Yesterday President Obama nominated Dr. Regina Benjamin to the next the next surgeon general. It won’t become official until she’s confirmed by the Senate and Obama gets a referral from his primary care physician.

This week the Senate is holding confirmation hearings on Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor. Here’s how it works: first she goes before the Senate Judiciary Committee and then if she passes that she’ll get her shot in front of Simon and Paula.

Republican Senator Lindsey Graham admitted to Sonia Sotomayor during her confirmation hearing on Monday that unless she has a complete meltdown, she will get confirmed to the Supreme Court. Technically, his exact quote was “You will be confirmed unless you have a complete meltdown or leave the hearing to go for a hike on the Appalachian Trail.”

Jon Gosselin and his 22-year-old girlfriend are in talks to design an eco-friendly children’s clothing line for designer Christian Audigier. Honestly, I think he’s too old for her – he’s almost old enough to have fathered her and up to seven siblings.

Thunderstorms in Florida on Monday forced NASA to delay the launch of space shuttle Endeavor for the fifth time. NASA says the whole thing is embarrassing and that they’ve never had this much trouble getting it up.

Happy birthday to SpongeBob SquarePants who turns 10 this month. That means a whole generation of adults has grown up watching SpongeBob – plus George W. Bush.

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Al Franken will make his “Senate debut” questioning Sonia Sotomayor. Before he does, she’ll be warmed up with a few questions from Carrot Top.

Big medical news – Kim Jong Il has pancreatic cancer. Here’s how bad his prognosis is: he’s now being referred to as Kim Jong Terminally Il.

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Sales of Michael Jackson’s records are way up since he died. He’s sold so many records since he died that today they upgraded his casket from gold to platinum.

Last week in Los Angeles they had Michael Jackson’s memorial service that was attended by 18,000 people. It was such a hit that today they family added 30 European services.

Sarah Palin recently resigned as governor of Alaska. It doesn’t become official until July 26 when the the lieutenant governor will take possession of her wardrobe.

Al Franken was officially sworn in as senator from Minnesota last week. He did so well that he’ll be sworn in nightly through the summer.

Pet Airways, the world’s first pet-only airline has started flying. It offers complimentary beverage service – dogs can drink out of the toilet for free.

Oscar Mayer died in Wisconsin last week at the age of 95. So many people wanted to attend his funeral they had to take numbers.

Former figure skating champion Nicole Bobek was arrested on drug conspiracy charges last week. It’s pretty serious – she’s looking at between, 9.5 and 10.0 years in prison.

The world’s oldest known bible is now officially available online. It’s 1,600 years old, making it the oldest relic available online, not including Joan Rivers’ on eHarmony.

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