From March through December of 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the LATE NIGHT with JIMMY FALLON. I wrote and submitted about 8 jokes for each show they taped, most of which weren't used. But, sometimes, one was!

This section displays all of the jokes I submitted to the show for this brief time. Use the archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.

Jokes highlighted in bold were used on air. You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Jimmy, as well as those told by Dave, Jay and Carson on my Late Night Jokes page.

Enjoy!

Congratulations to 13 year-old Kavya Shivashankar who won the Scripps National Spelling Bee last night. She won by successfully spelling Shivashankar.

Three and a half months after their flight landed in the Hudson, passengers of US Airways flight 1549 have gotten their luggage back. Passengers said they were surprised that they got their luggage back at all, let alone faster than they normally would.

Three and a half months after their flight landed in the Hudson, passengers of US Airways flight 1549 have gotten their luggage back. Passengers said they were glad to get their luggage back and sick of watching the luggage belt going round and round for three months.

Sonia Sotomayor’s doctor wrote a letter saying that her diabetes is a non-issue and that she is in “very good health.” He did, however, excuse her from gym class.

A reporter for the Georgia Informer was dragged kicking and screaming from the press area near Air Force one in Los Angeles Thursday morning. It’s the first time somebody’s had to be dragged away from Air Force One kicking and screaming since Al Gore lost to George Bush.

Sources say that former President George W. Bush is still screening pre-submitted questions at speaking engagements. He’s refusing to take any questions that end with a question mark.

Happy birthday to LaToya Jackson who turns 53 today. People say she’s the craziest of the Jackson girls – other than Michael.

Prince Harry attended a polo match in New York on Friday – to begin his first official visit to America. He was going to go to a Yankees game, but he said the tickets were too expensive.

Prince Harry attended a polo match on Friday – to begin his first official visit to America. Because what better way is there to get to know America than by going to a polo match?

The sales of romance novels have increased 32% in one year – even in the tough economy. One reason for the increase: Fabio tested positive for performance enhancing drugs.

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50 yeas ago today two monkeys became the first U.S. animals to fly in space and return safely. Here’s how far we’ve come since then: today, an ape is governor of California.

There is still no word on how several Egyptian newspapers got hold of President Obama’s top-secret itinerary for his visit to Cairo. In a show of bi-partisanship former vice president Dick Cheney offered to help find out who was responsible.

The Netherlands will soon close eight prisons due to a lack of crime in the country. It was either that or invite O. J. Simpson to come and live there.

Former Presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush will appear together in Toronto on Friday for a two-hour “conversation.” The conversation will be limited to two hours, will be moderated by a third party and the topics will be confined to domestic and foreign policy – the same rules that Bill and Hillary use.

The final round of the National Spelling Bee took place earlier tonight. The stakes are high: the winner will get $40,000 in cash and prizes and a lot of wedgies.

Jessica Simpson will soon star in a reality series about different beauty standards around the world. The show is going to be shot in wide screen.

Happy birthday to Bob Hope’s widow Dolores, who turns 100 today. Most people don’t remember that Dolores was a performer in her own right back in the 1930s; when Bob met her she was a backup singer for Madonna.

On Tuesday Energy Secretary Steven Chu proposed painting all of the rooftops in the world white to combat global warming. Some scientists disagree with this proposal; for example, being white hasn’t helped keep the heat off of Michael Jackson.

The New York Times reported on Thursday that more and more schools are banning hugging, calling it inappropriate public displays of affections. Most students aren’t happy about it, saying it makes it much harder to have sex with their teachers.

A college student in Australia recently turned in a long forgotten lottery ticket and found out that she’s won $10 million. She said the money would come in handy paying for one year of college.

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President Obama is in Las Vegas for a fundraiser and to promote Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor. After the fundraiser he did a little gambling and lost GM in a craps game.

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The new season of season “Jon & Kate Plus 8” premiered on Monday night. It was a big success; it brought in a record 9.8 million viewers and Jon got a dozen new phone numbers.

Two workers at Yellowstone National Park have been fired for urinating into the Old Faithful geyser. The good news is Old Faithful is clean now thanks to the world’s largest urinal cake.

Two workers at Yellowstone National Park have been fired after they were caught on webcam urinating into the Old Faithful geyser. Even worse, the webcam also caught them not washing their hands afterwards.

O.J. Simpson appealed the Nevada Supreme Court on Tuesday to overturn his convictions for armed robbery and kidnapping in Las Vegas. Legal experts say he doesn’t have much of a chance because his lawyer can’t rhyme.

Elvis Presley’s old prescription pill bottles are going up for auction in June. You can tell they’re authentic because they have his name on them and they’re covered in rhinestones.

Astronomers in European announced this week that the giant galaxy Messier 87 is smaller than was originally thought. In the galaxy’s defense, the day they measured it was pretty cold out.

A new poll released yesterday shows that only 29% of Minnesotans want Brett Favre to sign with the Vikings. The sample poll was redone today and those 29% changed their minds.

Iran restored access to Facebook on Tuesday after critics complained the government was trying to censor voters before next month’s presidential elections. That explains the sudden rash of “25 Random Things About My Camel” on Facebook today.

A survey shows that more than 33% of US homes have HDTV. The other 67% of respondents said they had no desire to see Larry King in high definition.

Trump Magazine has folded. It was a high quality magazine made from high gloss, heavy paper with expensive dye – just like his hair.

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Earlier today President Obama nominated federal Judge Sonia Sotomayor to replace David Souter on the Supreme Court. It’s the highest profile position a Hispanic woman has achieved in the US since Tom Cruise picked Penelope Cruz.

Earlier today President Obama officially nominated federal Judge Sonia Sotomayor to replace David Souter on the Supreme Court. Before she can be seated she has be approved by the Senate and George Lopez.

A children’s clown in West Virginia was arrested on Friday for drunk driving. Police say she failed a field sobriety test: she couldn’t make a balloon dog.

A children’s clown in West Virginia was arrested on Friday for drunk driving and leaving the scene of an accident. The good news is nobody was hurt, including the 27 other clowns in her car.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton made a surprise appearance at Yale University’s graduation Monday. She hasn’t surprised anybody like that since she caught Bill with an intern.

Paris Hilton said she is eager to work with director Quentin Tarantino and hopes to be the next Uma Thurman. Here’s how serious she is about becoming the next Uma; earlier today she made a sex video with Ethan Hawke.

More Americans are retiring before they turn 66 – instead of working longer as the economy worsens. One side effect of this: more Americans are also now eating dinner at 4:00 in the afternoon.

Iran sent six warships to international waters on Monday, putting them within range of Israel and U.S. naval bases. Here’s what they sent: two destroyers, two cruisers and two camel carriers.

A couple in Nebraska has started breeding miniature cows to avoid paying the high cost of feed. They say the minicows are half the size of normal cows, eat half as much and are perfect for producing White Castle hamburgers.

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Happy Memorial Day! Lots of grilling going on today; for example, Dick Cheney grilled his housekeeper.

Robert Furchgott, the Nobel Prize-wining scientist who helped invent Viagra, died Saturday at the age of 92. Not surprisingly his funeral will be open-casket.

Helio Castroneves won his third Indianapolis 500 on Sunday – just 5 weeks after being acquitted on tax evasion charges. For winning the race he gets $2.5 million, which he’s asked for in cash.

The space shuttle Atlantis landed at Edwards Air Force Base in California on Sunday after 13 days in space. The good news is the astronauts landed safely in California; the bad news is their luggage landed up in Detroit.

Dick Cheney is seeking a $2 million advance for a memoir about his service in four presidential administrations. He’ll probably get it; as we all know he has ways of getting what he wants.

Germany is considering a ban on Red Bull Cola after traces of cocaine were found in it. German officials said they first became suspicious when Amy Winehouse was seen snorting it.

Elizabeth Taylor has started using Twitter. She’s already got several thousand followers – and those are just her ex-husbands.

A mugger stole Kevin Bacon’s Blackberry on Thursday in a New York City subway station. That means somebody is now within six degrees of every celebrity’s phone number.

Miami Dolphins defensive end Randy Starks was arrested Sunday for hitting a police officer with a truck. A Dolphins spokesman said the team was disappointed that he hit a police officer, but happy that finally hit somebody.

Susan Boyle made another appearance on “Britain’s Got Talent” Sunday, singing “Memory” from the musical “Cats.” She really went all out to get into character – she didn’t even bother shaving.

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Former President Bush told a class graduating high school seniors in New Mexico on Thursday that he’s enjoying his retirement. He said he hasn’t felt this relaxed and carefree since he was president.

Observers say that the ceremonial torch for the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver resembles a hand-rolled marijuana joint. People first became suspicious when Vancouver officials announced the 2010 Olympic mascots would be Cheech and Chong.

This summer Disney World is going to unveil a lifelike, animatronic figure of President Obama called Robobama. It’s so lifelike that it not only looks like Obama and talks like Obama but every hour it also takes a smoking break.

Linebacker James Harrison was noticeably absent when President Obama hosted the Super Bowl champion Pittsburgh Steelers on Thursday. I believe he’s the highest profile person to not show up at the White House since George W. Bush.

All of the passengers on the US Airways flight that landed in the Hudson River have gotten their luggage back, all of it cleaned and dried. The plane landed in the Hudson, but their luggage landed up in the Mississippi.

A study released this week finds that air quality in the United States has improved significantly since 2001. They attribute the improvement to changes in technology, environmentally friendly legislation and people eating a lot less spicy food.

Sean Penn has withdrawn his petition to separate from his wife of 13 years. The reason he gave for withdrawing his petition was reconcilable differences.

The U.S. is now 53% Democratic and 36% Republican – the largest difference between the parties in two decades. It’s even worse than that for the Republicans because Rush Limbaugh counts as 5% all by himself.

Sarah Palin has chosen Lynn Vincent – an editor for the conservative “World” magazine – as her memoir collaborator. That’s right Lynn Vincent – or, as she’s known now, “Jane the Editor.”

Today is officially “Buy a Musical Instrument Day.” Which means that tomorrow is officially “Return a Musical Instrument Day.”

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Here in New York City yesterday authorities arrested four men who were planning to blow up synagogues in the Bronx. Police say it’s the biggest potential bomb to be foiled since they cancelled Madonna’s last movie.

Earlier today Barack Obama and Dick Cheney gave opposing speeches about national security. During his speech Cheney offered to settle his differences with Obama the old fashioned way: hunting rifles at ten paces.

During his radio show on Wednesday, Rush Limbaugh resigned as the symbolic head of the Republican Party. He will, however, remain the symbolic ass of the Republican Party.

For the first time ever on Wednesday, astronauts aboard the International Space Station were able to convert their urine into drinking water. Its all part of NASA’s plan to make people not want to be astronauts.

For the first time ever on Wednesday, astronauts aboard the International Space Station were able to convert their urine into drinking water. The good news is they can now make their own water from recycled waste; the bad news is NASA is now working on a similar system for making their own food.

The National Archives lost a computer hard drive containing massive amounts of sensitive data from the Clinton administration. It was filled with some of the most top-secret data – like Bill Clinton’s little black book.

A survey has found that 26% of people admit to texting while driving. More bad news: all of the respondents filled out the survey while driving.

Ghostbusters III will start shooting this winter with all the original cast members, including Sigourney Weaver. The original cast members are so old now that they’ll be playing the ghosts.

Google’s founders are considering a partnership with Twitter. Lawyers for Google and Twitter are busy negotiating a deal via 140 character proposals.

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Earlier today Michael Vick was released from prison after serving two years for dog fighting. He’s not free yet; he’s got to spend the next two months confined to a kennel.

82 years ago today Charles Lindbergh took off from New York on the first non-stop flight across the Atlantic Ocean. He landed in Paris the next day – but his luggage didn’t show up for another week.

At least 75% of the people who took the Massachusetts teacher’s exam this year failed the math section. Actually, it turns the number was even higher, but the people adding up the results screwed up the math.

President Obama said that the presence of Secret Service guard could make it hard for his daughters to go on dates. It was the same problem Bill Clinton had.

A man in Oregon has been charged with contempt leaving jury duty because he was “extremely bored”. He’s in big trouble: he could get six months of jury duty.

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Mel Gibson’s girlfriend, Oksana Grigorieva, is pregnant with his child. Mel says he doesn’t care whether it’s a boy or a girl just so long as the baby isn’t Jewish.

In a recent interview, President Obama said his daughters going on dates would be an issue because of the Secret Service guards constantly surrounding them. He said another issue could be the shoot-to-kill orders he gave the Secret Service if any boy comes near his daughters.

A new report shows that hotel crimes are on the rise during the recession. And that’s not even counting the prices at the minibar.

The Belgian bodybuilding championship was cancelled this weekend after all the competitors fled when the drug testers arrived. When he heard this Manny Ramirez said, “You can do that?”

President Obama’s economic advisory board will hold its first meeting on Wednesday – nearly four months after it was established. To be fair, though, there hasn’t been much about the economy to discuss.

A man in Massachusetts was arrested last week for eating a bowl of cereal while he was driving. He tried to hide the cereal when he got pulled over, but the cop could hear the snap, crackle and pop.

Peter Mayhew who played Chewbacca in “Star Wars” turns 65 today. He looks good for 65, though his hairline is receding a bit; it’s currently receded to about his belly button.

Peter Mayhew who played Chewbacca in “Star Wars” turns 65 today. His career has slowed down since Star Wars; his only job recently was an infomercial for the Hair Club for Wookies.

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A magnitude 4.7 earthquake hit Los Angeles today. The quake was strong enough to rock Britney Spears’s house, but luckily she had the emergency brake on.

Calvin Borel, the jockey who rode Mine That Bird to victory in the Kentucky Derby, switched to Rachel Alexandra for the Preakness. I haven’t seen a guy switch mounts like that since Brad dumped Jen for Angelina.

“Angels & Demons” won the weekend box office with $48 million, while Star Trek earned $43 million in its second weekend. Set your phasers to “disappointed.”

An elderly couple was arrested in Arkansas last week after a state trooper found 200 pounds of marijuana in their truck. Apparently the trooper first became suspicious and pulled them over when he saw an elderly couple driving above 30MPH.

A 66-year-old woman in England will become the world’s oldest mother when she gives birth next month. She’s not saying who the father is – not because she doesn’t know, but because she can’t remember.

A man in London was arrested for trying to hire a prostitute for his 14-year-old son. On the bright side he’s now the leading candidate for father of the year.

A new study finds that with each additional four inches of height, people earn an extra three percent in wages. The researchers said there are some exceptions to that – like Tom Cruise.

British scientists announced last week that they’ve discovered the key steps in how life on earth began. They made the discovery through a series of lab experiments, computer simulations and by asking Larry King what he remembers about it.

On Saturday, President Obama attended both of his daughters, Malia and Sasha’s, soccer games. Apparently the girls’ teams did so poorly Obama is having the government take them over.

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Madonna and her 22 year-old boyfriend Jesus Luz are reportedly ready to make things legal. They’re not getting married – she’s adopting him.

Miss California Carrie Prejean cancelled her appearance on Thursday night’s “Larry King Live” because she was tired from celebrating her 22nd birthday the night before. Larry said he understood because he’s still tired from celebrating his 122nd birthday a few months ago.

Olympic swimming champion Michael Phelps returned to competition on Thursday for the first time since his suspension for smoking marijuana. He said he was just glad to be in water that wasn’t hot.

Pfizer announced on Thursday that it would give away Viagra for one year to people who recently lost their jobs. Not only that, but along with the Viagra they’re also throwing in free dinner and Barry White albums.

This week Chrysler and GM that they’re closing thousands of dealerships across the country. Here’s how bad things have gotten for car salesman: earlier today I saw a guy on the sidewalk with a sign that said “Will sell useless undercoating for food.”

On this date in 1940, nylon stockings went on general sale for the first time in the United States. Nylon stockings replaced old wool stockings which made life a lot more comfortable for armed robbers.

The population growth of Hispanics in the U.S. has unexpectedly slowed down because of the economy. Here’s how bad things have gotten: today Mexico announced that its building a fence along to keep the American’s out.

This week astronauts on the space shuttle are fixing the Hubble Telescope. NASA says sending astronauts to fix the Hubble is very dangerous, but it was either that or take it to the dealer.

The U.S. government reported on Thursday that the average potency of marijuana is at its highest level ever. Here’s how potent marijuana is now: earlier today Cheech & Chong announced they’re coming out of retirement.

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The “Today” show has been the most popular morning show for 700 weeks straight. Coincidentally, the last time the Today show wasn’t number one, Al Roker was about 700 pounds heavier.

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Happy birthday today to Danny Wood, formerly of New Kids on the Block, who turns 40 today. He’s gone from being a New Kid on the Block to yelling at kids for being on his lawn.

President Obama wants to block the release of hundreds of photos that show U.S. military troops abusing prisoners in Iraq and Afghanistan. On the other hand, he said he has no plans to block the release of nude photos of Ms. California.

Archeologists in Germany have discovered a 35,000-year-old statue of a naked female. It’s the oldest known representation of a woman and also Hugh Hefner’s first attempt at entertainment for men.

A new study finds that daydreaming is an effective way to solve problems. I’m not sure I believe that; it didn’t seem to help George Bush.

Record executive David Geffen reportedly wants to acquire The New York Times and turn it into a non-profit. That’s funny – I thought it already was a non-profit.

The U.S. government reported on Thursday that the average potency of marijuana is at its highest level ever. The findings were based on samples seized by drug control agents and the sales of snack foods.

Elizabeth Edwards will only do interviews about her new book if the media agree to not mention the name of her husband’s former mistress. Interviewers will only be able to refer to her as the other woman, that cheap floozy or John’s dirty whore.

Police in Colorado are looking for a man called the “Nicotine Ninja” who has stolen more than $120,000 worth of cigarettes. Police say he wears dark clothing, covers half his face with a black cloth and has really yellow teeth.

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The FDA scolded the makers of Cheerios for claiming it can lower cholesterol. The Obama administration is really going after these cereal companies; earlier today President Obama demoted Cap’n Crunch to a private.

Sarah Palin announced yesterday that she is going publish a memoir next year. It’s going to be the first political memoir with a centerfold spread.

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Experts say that because of the Recession, Social Security will be depleted in 2037, four years sooner than originally predicted. The good news is global warming will wipe out the planet long before then.

Sarah Palin announced yesterday that she is going publish a memoir next year. Her first task: look up how to spell “memoir.”

An Amish teenager in upstate New York was ticketed for having beer in his horse-drawn buggy. Apparently he failed a roadside sobriety test: he couldn’t build a barn that was plumb.

Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart are engaged. He surprised her by getting down on one knee, popping the question and slipping a large engagement ring around her waist.

A waitress at a Waffle House in South Carolina was arrested after shooting a customer over a dispute. She’s been charged with attempted murder – not for the shooting, but for serving somebody Waffle House food.

Drug officials say the international cocaine market is in retreat. The demand for cocaine has dropped so much that earlier today representatives from the straw industry asked Congress for a bailout.

The Senate backed an amendment Tuesday that would allow people to carry loaded guns in national parks. They also set a two-tourist limit for hunters.

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A 12-year-old boy has officially filed to run for president of Iran. I believe he’s the first person with the smarts of a sixth grader to run for president since George Bush.

Donald Trump decided not to strip Miss California of her title after controversy about nude modeling photos. He did give her a warning, though: if told her if any more nude photos come out he would have to marry her.

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Here in New York City they’re starting to charge rent at homeless shelters. Homeless shelters have gotten so expensive that homeless people are starting to commute in from New Jersey.

On this date in 1950 the American Bowling Congress abolished its white males-only membership restriction after 34 years. They dropped the restriction after they realized that the only people who wanted to bowl anyways were white males.

Boy George was released early from prison yesterday after serving 4 months of a 15-month sentence for false imprisonment. He said after was four months of body cavity searches, showering with other men and being made somebody’s bitch he can’t wait to go back.

Victoria Gotti’s is losing her Long Island home to foreclosure. The bad news is the bank wants to foreclose on her; the good news is nobody at the bank is willing to go over there and kick her out.

A Catholic priest in Florida who admitted to having a two-year affair with a woman has been removed from his duties. Church officials say they were disappointed to hear he was having an affair with a woman, but happy to hear he wasn’t having an affair with an altar boy.

Lindsay Lohan is rumored to be seven weeks pregnant. So that means she’s being bisexual for two now.

An orangutan at a zoo in Australia tried to escape by short-circuiting electrical wires and building a ladder. Experts say it’s the most impressive performance by a big dumb ape since Arnold Schwarzenegger was elected governor of California.

Katy Tur, Keith Olbermann’s girlfriend, has joined The Weather Channel as a tornado-chaser. She should be good at it; she’s clearly used to dealing lots of hot air.

Maggie Simpson – the baby on the “Simpsons” – said her first sentence after sixteen years. Clearly, that’s crazy – I don’t know any 16 year-olds who can say a complete sentence.

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Snoop Dogg was found not guilty for assaulting a man at his concert in 2005. Snoop said the other guy’s case was bull-shizzle.

A thief in Mexico is robbing people and forcing them to listen to him sing. His victims say he leaves them feeling the same way they do after attending an Ashlee Simpson concert.

Starting today, the cost of a first class stamp goes up to 44 cents. Everybody complains about the price of stamps but, to be fair to the post office, those letters don’t lose themselves.

The Obama administration will resume building a Bush-era “virtual fence” along the U.S.-Mexican border. The only difference between the Obama fence and the Bush fence is that Obama’s fence won’t have Dick Cheney walking along it with a rifle.

Mia Farrow ended her hunger strike for Darfur after 12 days due to health concerns. She said she only achieved half of her goals: she didn’t force a resolution of the Darfur crisis, but she did get in great shape for bikini season.

Tobey Maguire’s wife had their second child, a boy, on Friday. A spokesman for the family said that they like the sequel even better than the original.

Irish airline Ryanair will not make obese passengers pay a “fat tax.” They say they won’t charge obese people a fat tax, but they will limit them to one bag of complimentary pretzels.

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Dolly Parton is now a Ph.D. – she received an honorary doctorate degree today from the University of Tennessee in Knockersville – no, I mean, Knoxville.

Manny Ramirez was suspended for 50 games for taking a fertility. Technically, it’s not a suspension; it’s maternity leave.

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The new Star Trek movie opened today. It’s expected to make $60-70 million this weekend, which is amazing considering that none of that will be from anyone on a date.

Anthropologists in Indonesia have identified 18,000 year old bones as a new species of humans. The new species were only about three feet tall and weighed about 65 pounds and have been named Homo Tomcruise-ians.

Manny Ramierz of the Los Angeles Dodgers has been suspended for 50 games for testing positive for a banned substance. He says he didn’t know he had taken a banned substance which is believable since he said he also didn’t know who the president is, what city he’s playing in or what the swine flu is.

Manny Ramirez’s 50-game suspension will cost him $7.7 million. After hearing this earlier today he tested positive for anti-depressants.

Focus on the Family – a right-wing religious group – said Thursday that it is open to a Supreme Court nominee with “gay tendencies.” However, they said they’d draw the line at considering a nominee who watches “Dancing with the Stars.”

One of the last surviving Munchkins from “The Wizard of Oz” died yesterday at the age of 89. That means now there are only a half-dozen Munchkins left, of assorted varieties.

One of the last surviving Munchkins from “The Wizard of Oz” died yesterday at the age of 89. Family members say he’ll be laid to rest in a quite ceremony with two pallbearers.

On Thursday the European Union called for a shorter workweek in order to create more jobs. Then today, American workers called for a shorter workweek in order to have a shorter workweek.

Alex Rodriguez returned to the Yankees tonight in Baltimore after missing the beginning of the season because of hip surgery. He had a good first night: he was for 3-for-4 with a couple of RBI and no new scandals.

Michael Jackson is being sued by his former publicist for $44 million. Michael tried to settle out of court but she rejected his offer: $50 and a used llama.

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Yesterday a KFC here in New York City ran out of their new grilled chicken when too many customers tried to redeem coupons for a free meal from Oprah’s web site. The good news is the customers who didn’t get chicken didn’t riot. The bad news is there was a riot by the customers who actually got the chicken.

Police in Virginia are looking for thieves who stole two sousaphones from a high school band. The thieves are described as armed and extremely out of tune.

Yesterday, Amazon unveiled a newer version of Kindle that can be used to read magazines and newspapers. It even comes with an optional wall mount for the bathroom.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger wants to have a debate about legalizing marijuana for recreational use. He’s proposing an open debate between proponents and opponents, followed by a pose off.

Last week Google brought in a herd of goats to mow the lawn at its California headquarters to save energy. The Obamas are doing a similar thing at the White House to be green, but it involves Joe Biden and some garden shears.

John Edwards’ mistress is demanding he take a DNA test to prove that he is the father of her baby. He’s agreed to the test and earlier today provided a single strand of very well coiffed hair.

Levi Johnston said that he doesn’t think Bristol Palin’s abstinence campaign is realistic. Well, he would know better than anybody.

Michael Jackson’s is being sued by his former publicist for failing to pay for her services. She’s demanding $44 million and two of his old noses.

Republican Senator Jeff Sessions of Alabama said he would support a pro-choice or gay Supreme Court nominee. Earlier today he officially entered the Witness Protection Program.

Marie Osmond said this week that her oldest daughter is gay and that she supports her. She said she loves all of her children equally, both the ones that are a little bit gay and the ones that are a little bit straight.

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Obama and Biden went to Ray’s Hell Burger in Virginia for lunch yesterday. Obama liked it so much he didn’t even fire the CEO.

Eighteen-year-old un-wed mother Bristol Palin will be a spokesperson for abstinence. That’s like hiring Sarah Palin to be the spokesperson for not shooting wolves from helicopters.

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Dom DeLuise died yesterday at the age of 75. In his honor, earlier today they had a moment of silence at McDonald’s.

Microsoft announced on Tuesday that it’s laying off 3,000 workers. The way they did it was kind of harsh; they just dragged and dropped all those people into the trash.

Elizabeth Edwards said in a recent interview that she doesn’t know if her husband John is the father of the baby had by his lover. She said she’ll need to see the kid’s head of hair to know for sure.

Happy birthday to the world’s oldest dog Chanel, a dachshund here in New York who turns 21 today. Chanel is so old she needs help with everything: eating, walking, sniffing other dogs’ butts…

A teenager in California sent more than 300,000 text messages in one month. On the plus side, he was too busy texting to do any drugs.

Scientists in Israel have identified the Negev Desert as the oldest, unchanged surface on the planet. They say it hasn’t changed in 1.8 million years. They also identified the second oldest, unchanged thing on the planet – Joan Rivers’ act.

Sigmund Freud was born on this date in 1856. It was just the first of many things he blamed on his mother.

This week the U.S. military released letters written by Saddam Hussein was he was in prison in Iraq. In the letters Saddam claimed he was treated harshly. He said the Americans beat him, kept him up all night and, at one point, he was invited to go hunting with Dick Cheney.

Sales of the novel “Netherland” have soared after President Obama said he is reading it. The same thing happened when President Bush read “Green Eggs and Ham.”

Scientists in South Korea claim to have engineered dogs that glow in the dark. They say their ultimate goal is to engineer dogs whose poop glows in the dark, so you can avoid it at night.

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Earlier today doctors at the University of Pittsburgh performed the country’s first double hand transplant. A hospital spokesman said the patient’s first words after waking up were, “Thanks for the hand job.”

Happy birthday today to singer Chris Brown who turned 20. His girlfriend Rihanna threw him a great party that he enjoyed – lucky for her.

The dad from Jon & Kate Plus 8 has been photographed out with another woman. Apparently he was seen out on a date with the Octomom.

Samuel Wurzelbacher said he doesn’t allow openly gay people anywhere near his children. You remember Sam from the election last year, right? He was Joe the Homophobe.

Happy birthday today former Black Sabbath drummer Bill Ward who turns 61. Bill got a nice happy birthday voicemail from Ozzy Osbourne – at least, that’s what he thinks Ozzy said.

Mine That Bird was the big surprise winner of the Kentucky Derby on Sunday. It’s amazing: three days ago nobody had ever head of him then today he’s dating Madonna’s horse.

Scientists have reconstructed the face of the earliest known modern European who lived more than 35,000 years ago. They say it’s the oldest human face ever reconstructed, other than Cher’s.

George W. Bush has raised more than $100 million in 100 days for his presidential library at Southern Methodist University. He thanked his aides and said it was amazing job to raise an average of $1,000 per day.

Rush Limbaugh is defending Sarah Palin, calling her the “most prominent and articulate voice” for conservatism. In other news, Rush Limbaugh is apparently back on drugs.

A designer in London has unveiled the world’s most expensive suit. It’s made of gold and platinum threads and sells for $100,000. But you can get it for only $50,000 at Marshalls.

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Last week President Obama said the swine flu is cause for concern but not panic. On the other hand, he said the economy is definitely cause for panic.

Sarah Palin officially started Twittering last week. By the next day Twitter had dropped 10 points in the polls.

Happy Star Wars Day everybody! It’s a day for Star Wars fans to get dressed up as their favorite characters, hang out with other Star Wars fans and otherwise not got laid.

A Russian woman has been arrested for drinking liquid soap and punching staff on board a United Airlines Flight. Today United Airlines said they would stop offering passengers liquid soap as a complimentary beverage.

I.B.M. has created a computer program to compete against human “Jeopardy” contestants. They say the computer is faster and smarter than the average Jeopardy contestant, and gets more dates.

The federal government is launching an inquiry into John Edwards’ campaign funds. Investigators have vowed to be thorough and to leave no hair unturned.

A cowboy in Colorado was ticketed last week for riding his horse while intoxicated. That doesn’t seem that all that dangerous to me; after all, the thing he’s driving is only one horsepower.

Local government officials in the Hubei province of China have been ordered to start smoking. The move is meant to boost the local cigarette and funeral industries.

Congratulations to former New York Senator Alfonse D’Amato, whose wife is expecting a baby. He’s 71 years old so, apparently, his doctor does think that Viagra is right for him.

A British secret agent in South America lost top secret information when she left the purse she was carrying it in on a bus. The British government said that, from now on, female agents will be required to carry top-secret information in their cleavage.

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