From March through December of 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the LATE NIGHT with JIMMY FALLON. I wrote and submitted about 8 jokes for each show they taped, most of which weren't used. But, sometimes, one was!

This section displays all of the jokes I submitted to the show for this brief time. Use the archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.

Jokes highlighted in bold were used on air. You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Jimmy, as well as those told by Dave, Jay and Carson on my Late Night Jokes page.

Enjoy!

The National Security Agency is developing a new, high-security BlackBerry for President Obama. They’ve done this before; back when George Bush was president they developed a new, high-security CB radio.

Lee Majors turned 70 yesterday. He used to be the Six Million Dollar Man – until he met Bernie Madoff.

A scientist in New York successfully sent a tweet – a message on Twitter – without typing – but using a computer to read his mind. (Pause) There, I just tweeted him congratulations.

A set of paintings and sketches by a young Adolf Hitler sold at auction in England on Thursday for $143,000. I’m wondering who is the person paid all that money for Hitler’s paintings and where was this person back in the 1920s when we needed him?

Michael Jackson’s black Cadillac Escalade was allegedly involved in a hit and run with an ambulance on Wednesday. Police say they’re pretty sure it was Michael based on eyewitness descriptions and a nose found at the scene.

Michael Jackson was in a car accident in Beverly Hills on Wednesday. Medics on the scene said Michael wasn’t OK – but it had nothing to do with the accident.

Happy birthday to Shirley MacLaine, who turned 75 today. She had such a great birthday she said she can’t remember ever having had a nicer 75th birthday.

Michelle Obama told children visiting the White House on Thursday that the new dog Bo is a crazy puppy who likes to chew on people’s feet. She also told them how the Clintons had a similar problem when they were in the White House: Bill used to lock on to the legs of chubby interns.

Dick Cheney’s daughter, Liz Cheney, is defending her father’s decision to waterboard terror suspects. She said, “Oh, sure, like nobody else’s father ever waterboarded anybody!”

Dick Cheney’s daughter, Liz Cheney, is defending her father’s decision to waterboard terror suspects. She said, “What’s the big deal? When I was a kid we’d get waterboarded for forgetting to take out the trash.”

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Hillary Clinton told a Congressional committee that she does not consider Dick Cheney to be a reliable source of information. She’s so mad at Dick Cheney that, out of habit, she also ordered him to sleep on the couch.

Hillary Clinton told a Congressional committee that she does not consider Dick Cheney to be a reliable source of information. Afterwards, Cheney got a call from Bill Clinton who told him to just buy her some flowers and say he was sorry and things would blow over.

Larry Summers, President Obama’s chief economic adviser, fell asleep today during a White House meeting with credit card industry officials. You know you’re boring when you put an economist to sleep.

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Yesterday was Earth Day and I spent today just like I do every year: waiting in line to return a bunch of Earth Day gifts.

The National Security Agency is developing a top-secret, highly-secure BlackBerry for President Obama. The NSA says his new BlackBerry will keep Obama secure from hackers, spies and telemarketers.

Wednesday in Beverly Hills Michael Jackson was allegedly involved in a hit-and-run accident with an ambulance. Witnesses say they’re pretty sure that the person in the SUV that hit the ambulance was either Michael Jackson or Betty White.

ABC is bringing back “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” this summer. However, due to the bad economy, it’s being renamed to “Who Wants 50 Bucks?”

This summer, Regis Philbin will host eleven prime time episodes of “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” on ABC. The economy is so bad the first contestant is going to be Donald Trump.

Dog the Bounty Hunter was shot at on Wednesday as he tried to apprehend a man suspected of attempted murder. Luckily the bullet only grazed his mullet.

Astronomers announced this week that they’ve discovered a big gas cloud 12.9 billion light years away. They say it’s filled with the same amount of hot gas as either 40 billion suns or one Rush Limbaugh.

Police in North Carolina are looking for a pregnant woman who tried to rob a bank at gunpoint. Police warned the public that she’s armed, dangerous and very hormonal.

Over in Iraq they’re turning Saddam Hussein’s old presidential palace into a hotel and his old bedroom into a honeymoon suite. It’s a little pricey but if you can’t afford the honeymoon suite, for a lot less you can rent out his old spider hole.

The town of Urbana, Illinois will honor film critic Roger Ebert by placing a historical marker in front of his boyhood home. Roger said he was honored but, after seeing the marker, he felt the writing was weak and uninspired so he gave it a thumbs down.

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Former New York Giants linebacker Lawrence Taylor was eliminated from “Dancing with the Stars” last night. The judges said his main misstep came when he sacked his partner and broke her leg.

Barack Obama is saying the government can save $52 million just by purchasing office supplies in bulk. So, from now on, once a week, he’s sending Joe Biden on an Office Depot run.

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Happy Earth Day! It’s the day when little kids wake up, run downstairs and see if Al Gore left them presents overnight.

A judge in Idaho ordered a defendant’s mouth to be taped shut after he repeatedly interrupted court proceedings. That sounds bad but it could have been worse – he could’ve been farting.

On Monday, Mia Farrow will begin a hunger strike – only drinking water – to protest the conditions in Darfur. When they heard this people in Darfur said, “Great! Who’s Mia Farrow?”

Madonna is recovering well from being thrown from a horse over the weekend. Earlier today she was right back it, mounting a Yankee.

The Yankees are having trouble selling their high priced tickets behind home plate. Here’s how desperate they are to sell those tickets: today they announced that anybody who buys a $2,500 ticket behind home plate gets a date with Madonna.

In Arkansas, two new news anchors got engaged during the six o’clock news over the weekend. That’s amazing – who knew they had TV in Arkansas?

In Arkansas, two new news anchors got engaged on the air over the weekend. Here’s how it happened: he proposed during the six o’clock news and they told everybody to tune in at 11:00 for the answer.

President Obama will invite the Israeli, Palestinian and Egyptian leaders to the White House for separate talks on the Middle East peace process. Obama figures he can live in the White House with his mother-in-law, then anyone can get along.

Over in Gaza this week Hamas has opened their first bank. Today they announced that anybody who opens a new account will get a free suicide belt.

Over in Gaza this week Hamas has opened their first bank. Earlier today the bank officially applied for it’s first bailout.

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It’s Green is Universal week here at NBC. The green initiative is sweeping the whole company. As a matter of fact, the only place at NBC that isn’t green is the accounting department.

Bill Clinton and George W. Bush will appear together on stage in Toronto for a two-hour moderated “conversation.” Each side got to pick a topic for conversation, so the first hour will be dedicated to domestic issues and the second hour will be dedicated to NASCAR.

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Monday in Washington President Obama held his first cabinet meeting. It all went smoothly, except for when Joe Biden screwed up Obama’s coffee order.

President Obama is going to appear shirtless on the cover of the May issue of The Washingtonian magazine. Not to be outdone, Joe Biden is going to appear on the cover of the June issue without his hair plugs.

The New York Times won five Pulitzer Prizes in journalism on Monday – the second-most in its history. The good news is they won five Pulitzers; the bad news is they won because they’re the only newspaper still in business.

On Monday, dozens of Western diplomats walked out of a U.N. conference on racism while Iran’s leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad criticized Israel. After they walked out the only people left were diplomats from some Arab countries and Mel Gibson.

A rare, 7.03-carat blue diamond is expected to be sold at auction this week for $8.5 million. Experts say it could go for even more if Kobe Bryant has an affair this weekend.

The U.S. Army has officially joined Twitter. It’s all part of their new “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tweet” policy.

Scientists in England announced this week that fat people are a major cause of global warming. They also found that fat people are a major cause of ice cream shortages at Dairy Queen.

Scientists in England announced this week that fat people are a major cause of global warming. They say the best way to reduce global warming is for fat people to lose weight, or to at least cut back on spicy food.

In a piece on the Huffington Post, Ron Howard wrote that William Donohue of the Catholic League is on a mission to paint his movie “Angels & Demons” as anti-Catholic. He ended the piece by telling Donohue to sit on it.

A British teenager playing an online Playstation 3 boxing game discovered that his opponent was Floyd Mayweather. The kid said he became suspicious that he fighting a real boxer when after the fight Don King demanded a 10% cut of his winnings.

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Zac Efron’s movie “17 Again” topped the box office this weekend with $24.1 million. It’s about a grown up man inside a young man’s body but don’t be confused: it’s not about Michael Jackson.

Madonna was thrown from a horse this weekend after it was startled by paparazzi taking her photograph. She hasn’t been dumped on her ass like that since Guy Richie asked for a divorce.

Madonna was thrown from a horse this weekend after it was startled by paparazzi taking her photograph. Doctors said she only suffered minor injuries but, just to be safe, it’ll be a couple of weeks before she can adopt again.

Miss North Carolina USA Kristen Dalton was crowned Miss USA 2009 on Sunday. You can tell the economy is bad because during the question and answer portion, when she was asked how she would fix the economy, Timothy Geithner was there taking notes.

A memo from 2005 shows that terror suspect Khalid Sheikh Mohammed was waterboarded 183 times in one month. Mohammed said it was brutal but, on the plus side, he never felt cleaner.

During a Summit of the Americas, Hugo Chavez – the President of Venezuela – gave President Obama a book about U.S.’s exploitation of Latin America. President Obama thanked him for the gift saying “Great – now I’ll know how to exploit Latin America!”

Police in New Jersey say a man posing as a waiter collected almost two hundred dollars from customers. The customers said they became suspicious when he got their orders right and their food arrived on time.

To boost its ratings, MTV will begin airing reality shows about celebrities doing community service. The first show will feature Ashlee Simpson not recording music.

In Georgia, two employees of a Hooters restaurant fought off a man after he broke into their car. What happened was the Hooters girls sat on the guy while some other people called the police. When the cops showed up to free him the guy said, “No, thanks, I’m good!”

A new study shows that the erectile dysfunction drugs Cialis and Viagra do not damage men’s vision. The bad news is they found that ED drugs can cause women to see stars.

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President Obama was in Mexico on Thursday. It was a busy day; he met with the Mexican president and fired the CEO of Corona.

Here in New York City we got a new Archbishop this week Timothy Dolan. Yesterday he moved into the Archbishop’s residence and today he waited all day for the cable guy.

Oprah attracted more than 34,000 followers in just a few hours after she announced the creation of her Twitter account on Thursday. That’s great because if there’s one thing Oprah needs it’s a bigger audience.

A California woman was arrested on Thursday for peeking into the windows of Britney Spears’ home. Not only that, but they also charged her with kicking the tires.

In England, a piece of royal wedding cake from 1871 was auctioned off on Thursday for $215. It was a package deal: it came with an optional entrée of fish or chicken from 1871.

Surgeons in Russia have discovered a two-inch fir tree growing inside a man’s lung. The man said he first suspected there was a problem when he coughed up a pinecone.

Scientists in Ireland have developed a spray for men to make sex last six times longer. So, good news ladies – for most of you that means an extra five minutes of pleasure!

A man in Delaware was arrested on Wednesday for breaking into an apartment and stealing Hot Pockets. I’m not sure what’s sadder: the fact that somebody would break into an apartment to steal Hot Pockets or that the most valuable thing in somebody’s apartment was Hot Pockets.

Isaiah Thomas announced that he would give back his first year’s salary as head coach at Florida International University. Earlier today the Knicks asked if he’d give back his last year’s salary as their head coach.

Down at the White House security is tight around Bo, the Obama’s new dog. Earlier today the Secret Service assigned two German Shepherds to guard him.

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President Obama arrived in Mexico today. He met with the Mexican president to talk about the state of the Mexican economy – you know, to get a few tips.

President Obama arrived in Mexico today. He’s so committed to saving money he traveled to Mexico via Greyhound One.

The White House released the tax filings for both the President and the First Lady on Wednesday. So, technically, that means that President Obama isn’t qualified to be in his own cabinet.

United Airlines announced this week that they’re going to start making passengers who can’t fit into one seat buy two tickets. The good news for those passengers is they’ll get two bags of complimentary pretzels.

Elizabeth Hasselbeck, the pregnant co-host of “The View,” says she is fine after being hit by a bike messenger while hailing a cab on Wednesday. In other news, who knew Rosie O’Donnell was now working as a bike messenger?

Elizabeth Hasselbeck, the pregnant co-host of “The View,” says she is fine after being hit by a bike messenger while hailing a cab on Wednesday. The problem was, per usual, she wasn’t looking left.

Hulk Hogan says he’s so angry about his wife’s lifestyle since their separation that he can understand why O.J. Simpson killed his ex-wife. However, he said he still can’t understand why O.J. did the Naked Gun movies.

To pay off her presidential campaign debt, Hillary Clinton is auctioning off several prizes online, including a pair of tickets to the “American Idol” season finale. The tickets were donated by Bill Clinton and his girlfriend.

A deadly strain of the staph virus has been found at a fitness center used by members of the House of Representatives. Luckily, no member of the House of Representatives actually uses the fitness center, so it’s not a problem.

Iranian scientists cloned a female goat on Wednesday. Scientists say this could revolutionize the whole Iranian dating scene.

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It’s tax day and I just finished my taxes a few hours ago and it was a bad year for me: I had to write a big check to GM.

It’s tax day and everybody’s excited about it. Earlier today Madonna adopted two more deductions.

Our governor here in New York, David Patterson announced that he¹s going to unveil legislation legalizing same-sex marriage. At least that’s what he was told the legislation says but since he’s blind he’s just guessing.

Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich has agreed to star in an NBC reality show this summer. The show is called “I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Some New Hair!”

This week the Obamas got a six month old puppy for their girls. Officials say there hasn’t been someone this untrained in the Oval Office since George Bush.

Mel Gibson’s wife of 28 years has filed for divorce. I think we all know who he’s going to blame for this.

Phil Spector was convicted Monday in Los Angeles of second degree murder for shooting a woman six years ago. Let this be a lesson to all you celebrities in LA: if you’re looking to kill somebody, make sure you use a knife.

A 13-year-old boy in Illinois was arrested Tuesday for robbing a bank. His parents said they were very disappointed that he robbed a bank, but proud that he used proper grammar in his stick-up note.

Kentucky Fried Chicken will begin offering grilled chicken as an option on its menu this week. This will be a first for Kentucky Fried Chicken �" actually offering chicken.

New York is considering a new technology that would prevent cab drivers from talking on their cell phones while driving. Just to be extra safe New York is also considering banning cab drivers from driving while they’re driving.

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Music producer Phil Spector was convicted in Los Angeles on Monday of killing a woman at his mansion six years ago. Legal experts say he made key mistake: he didn’t get a lawyer who could rhyme.

On Monday, the White House announced that it would begin easing trade restrictions with Cuba. Experts say it should help revitalize the ravaged economy – and it should probably help Cuba too.

A former leukemia patient in England fathered a baby after his sperm sample was thawed twenty two years later. Scientists say it’s the oldest sperm to ever father a child, other than Larry King’s.

97 years ago today the Titanic sank after striking an iceberg. Experts say that could never happen today due to stronger ships, better navigation and global warming.

Mel Gibson’s wife of twenty-eight years filed for divorce Monday. Among her reasons for a divorce she cited irreconcilable differences and lack of recent box office success.

Mel Gibson’s wife of twenty-eight years filed for divorce Monday. He’s not taking it well; earlier today he went on a drunken tirade against divorce lawyers.

Legendary porn star Marilyn Chambers died this week at the age of 56. In her honor, earlier today all male porn stars were at half-staff.

Madonna bought a townhouse on the Upper East Side of New York City for $40 million. It comes with 14 bathrooms, 13 bedrooms and 10 orphans.

Police in Norway have arrested a man for having sex with his girlfriend while driving a speeding car on a highway. He said it was easy to drive that way: he controlled the steering wheel and she worked the stick.

Happy birthday to Pete Rose who turned 68 today. Pete’s so old now that he’s changed his nickname from Charlie Hustle to Charlie Prostate.

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The Obamas have a new dog for their two girls, a 6-month-old Portuguese water dog named Bo. The bad news is the dog needs to be walked every day. The good news is Joe Biden finally has something to do.

Here in New York this week they’re having the annual auto show. The economy is so bad these days that the hottest car at this year’s auto show is a 92 Geo Metro.

A New Jersey man is alleging that his estranged wife committed adultery with Bruce Springsteen. He said he first became suspicious his wife was having an affair with Bruce Springsteen when he heard Bruce’s summer tour included three dates in their bedroom.

A Saudi judge has refused for a second time to annul a marriage between an eight-year-old girl and a forty seven-year-old man. Apparently they’re having marital problems: he keeps mistaking her Flintstones chewable vitamins for his Viagra.

A man in Poland could face ten years in prison for stealing a roll of toilet paper from a restaurant bathroom. He said he didn’t think he’d get caught because he didn’t think a restaurant employee would ever go in the bathroom.

A pair of tickets to the Mets home opener belonging to Bernie Madoff has been auctioned off for $7,500. Madoff had to give up the tickets as part of his punishment. Also as part of his punishment he has to continue using his Knick tickets.

Dave Arneson, one of the creators of Dungeons and Dragons, died last week at the age 61. Appropriately, there were no women at his funeral.

PETA has asked the Pet Shop Boys to change their name to the Rescue Shelter Boys. They’ve also asked them to stop making music.

President Obama said recently that he’s committed to reducing the U.S.’s nuclear stockpile in the next four years. That’s something President Bush never did – you know, pronounce “nuclear.”

The Iowa Supreme Court recently struck down the state’s ban on gay marriage. It was big news for Iowa’s gay community – he was really excited.

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A court in Malawi has rejected Madonna’s request to adopt a little girl. She hasn’t been rejected like that since A-Rod dumped her for his mirror.

Next month the Hollywood Wax Museum is going to auction off wax reproductions of 200 celebrities. The Michael Jackson reproduction is waxy, pasty, and poorly carved – in other words it’s a perfect replica.

The Taliban will now stop measuring the length of mens’ beards. They say now it doesn’t matter how long your beard is; all that matters is how you use it.

Earlier this week Domino’s gave out 11,000 free pizzas by mistake. What happened was a coupon for a free pizza was accidentally posted on their web site and Michael Moore used it 11,000 times.

Journalists in London this week who were trying to call Hillary Clinton for an interview about the NATO summit were accidentally given a sex line number instead. When he heard that people trying to call his wife got phone sex instead Bill Clinton said, “Why doesn’t that happen to me?”

The Federal government announced today that unemployment in this country is at a 25-year high – and that’s just among auto company CEOs.

This weekend, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame will hold its induction ceremony at its Cleveland headquarters for the first time in twelve years. You have to feel bad for Cleveland; even the people that choose to be there don’t want to be there.

Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was indicted on nineteen federal corruption charges on Thursday. He’s planning to plead not guilty by reason of insanity; his first piece of evidence will be his hair.

Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was indicted on nineteen federal corruption charges on Thursday. He’s charged with conspiracy, fraud, and committing various crimes against his hair.

Michael Vick’s lawyer says that he’s going to work for a construction company when he gets out of prison. He doesn’t have a lot of job options; at this point he couldn’t even get elected dog catcher.

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During his visit to Buckingham Palace on Wednesday, President Obama gave Queen Elizabeth an iPod containing forty Broadway show tunes. She said it was the nicest gift she’s ever gotten from a U.S. president – and the gayest.

On Wednesday, federal authorities seized two of Bernie Madoff’s boats and his Palm Beach Mansion. Now that he’s in prison and his boats are gone the only poop deck getting swabbed will be his.

Iran is denying reports that U.S. and Iran officials had promising talks at an international conference on Tuesday. Take that with a grain of salt; they also claim they didn’t use the minibar or watch porn in their hotel room.

Scientists announced this week that Jupiter’s Great Red Spot is shrinking. Today, in response, Jupiter said it wasn’t shrinking it was just really cold out.

CBS will cancel its soap opera “Guiding Light” after a 72-year run on both radio and television. Show producers are disappointed; they felt the show really wasn’t given a chance.

A new study shows that mothers who give birth to multiples run a higher risk of postpartum depression. Fathers of multiples also have a higher risk of depression, but they didn’t need a study to prove that.

Rumors are surfacing that John Mayer’s newest song “Heartbreak Warfare” may be about his ex-girlfriend Jennifer Aniston. Apparently the main clue that it’s about Jennifer Aniston is the line “I can see why Brad dumped her.”

A lawmaker in Virginia has introduced a bill that requires random drug testing for anyone using food stamps. The bill also requires random drug tests for anyone found buying a bag of Cheetos after midnight.

Earlier tonight here on NBC ER ended its fifteen-year run with a two-hour series finale. You know the economy’s bad when emergency rooms are going out of business.

Seven students have been punished for violating the code of conduct at Oprah Winfrey’s school for girls in South Africa. Their punishment? They have to remain at Oprah Winfrey’s school for girls.

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Happy April Fool’s Day! When I got to work today I thought the staff had played an April Fool’s Day joke on me – but then they explained those actually were my ratings.

An Ohio man was arrested this month for DUI on a motorized bar stool. Police say he flunked the first test for DUI: driving a motorized bar stool.

A representative for David Hassselhoff denied that he has had plastic surgery but admitted he has had Botox “here and there.” Sure, here, there and everywhere.

Sarah Palin has been replaced by Newt Gingrich as keynote speaker at one of the Republican Party’s biggest fundraisers in June. Organizers also announced that they’re adding a wet t-shirt contest right after the keynote speech.

The U.S. Border Patrol will build sixteen video surveillance towers in Michigan and New York to help secure the U.S./Canada border. Finally, we may have a solution to our big illegal Canadians problem.

A French pole-vaulter ran naked through the streets of Paris with his pole in hopes of getting a new sponsorship deal. Unfortunately, he didn’t get any new sponsors because they weren’t impressed with the size of his pole.

This week in Moscow six volunteers were locked into capsule to study the effects of long duration space flight. They’ll be locked in a long steel cylinder for 105 days, which will simulate a trip to Mars or an average JetBlue flight.

Today the federal tax on a pack of cigarettes goes from 39 cents to $1.01, the largest increase ever. The government is really going after smokers hard; tomorrow they’re raising the tax on lung cancer.

A New York businessman is launching a new kosher tequila in time for Cinco de Mayo. Kosher tequila means the worm in the bottle is circumcised.

Miss Universe Dayana Mendoza just returned from a visit to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba and said fun, relaxing and calm. She said she can’t wait for her next vacation, when she gets audited by the IRS.

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