From March through December of 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the LATE NIGHT with JIMMY FALLON. I wrote and submitted about 8 jokes for each show they taped, most of which weren't used. But, sometimes, one was!

This section displays all of the jokes I submitted to the show for this brief time. Use the archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.

Jokes highlighted in bold were used on air. You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Jimmy, as well as those told by Dave, Jay and Carson on my Late Night Jokes page.

Enjoy!

During his Monday radio show, Rush Limbaugh told listeners that if Obama fails the country will be saved. That’s silly; we just tried eight years of the president failing and it didn’t work.

Angelina Jolie is offering to help Octomom Nadya Suleman and her children. She’s offered to either donate money or steal a husband for the Octomom.

A JetBlue luggage handler fell asleep in a cargo bin in New York City and woke up in Boston. He said the worst part was he was supposed to wake up in Chicago.

President Obama says that as part of the auto company bailout plan the federal government will now back all car warrantees. So, if you thought taking your car to a dealer sucked just wait until you have to take it to the IRS.

Yesterday French President Nicolas Sarkozy threatened to walk out of the G20 summit in London if France’s financial demands are not met. Today the German delegation promised to keep the French delegation in line.

President Obama has asked GM CEO Rick Wagoner to step down and he agreed. He negotiated a sweet severance package: he gets 6 months of pay, he gets to keep his stock options and he even got them to throw in free undercoating.

A photograph taken in 1848 just sold for $62,500. It’s one of the oldest known pictures of New York and it’s also the oldest known picture with the photographer’s thumb in it.

A British university if now offering a master’s degree in social networking. It’s a pretty easy degree; your thesis only has to be 140 characters.

Bernie Madoff trading cards will be sold this summer as part of a set featuring other white-collar criminals such as D.B. Cooper and Charles Ponzi. On the back of Bernie Madoff’s card are instructions on how to swindle the cards from other people.

This week the NBA fined Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban $25,000 for criticizing league officiating on his Twitter account. Cuban said he regretted his comments and that he was glad that Twitter restricts updates to only 140 characters.

[link | comment]

A British children’s charity has urged Madonna to “think twice” before adopting another African child. They’ve also asked her to think twice before making another album.

Madonna is adopting another child from Malawi. Apparently she got the idea when Angelina Jolie told her they were having a half-off sale.

President Obama is flying to London tomorrow for the G20 summit. The economy is so bad that he’s saving a few bucks by flying JetBlue One.

Software pioneer Charles Simonyi traveled to the Internationl Space Station this weekend, his second trip to space as a tourist. The flight is costing him $35 million – plus $15 for each checked bag.

Fox is coming out with a new dating show for overweight people. It’s called “More to Love/Who Ate All the Oreos?“

We’re now down to the Final Four in March Madness. The bad economy is affecting the NCAA tournament: this is the first year they’re charging for free throws.

The New York Mets’ new stadium, Citi Field, hosted its first game on Sunday between St. John’s and Georgetown. Mets fans said it was a real treat to finally have a new stadium – and to finally see some quality baseball.

The principal of a Connecticut middle school has banned physical contact-including hugs-between students. The good news for students is that they can still have sex with their teachers.

Rapper T.I. was sentenced Friday to one year and a day in prison for trying to buy unregistered machine guns and silencers. Legal experts say with good behavior he could be out in one year and a couple of hours.

In Seattle, a ninety-year-old man was recently granted his pilot’s license. He said he only plans to fly to the grocery store and to church on Sundays.

[link | comment]

On Thursday President Obama held an online town hall meeting. He received 104,000 questions and 50,000 offers for male enhancement.

A Michigan man has been sentenced to 90 days in prison for having sex with a car wash vacuum. He said the worst part of getting caught was having to tell his home vacuum.

Miss Montana Jennifer Hepner has been charged with driving under the influence. Police say when they pulled her over she couldn’t recite the alphabet – but they didn’t say how they could tell she was drunk.

A 105-year-old great-great-great-grandmother will throw out the first pitch for a Florida Marlins spring training game next week. She’s only throwing out one pitch because the Marlins want to keep her fresh for the regular season.

On Thursday, Brazil’s President blamed the economic crisis on “white people with blue eyes.” I’m thinking, how can you blame the economic crisis on Michael Jackson?

The Oregon Urology Institute is encouraging men to get a vasectomy during the NCAA tournament. They say it’s the best time to sit on the couch, recover and watch the seeds go down.

New satellite pictures were released today showing a launchpad from which North Korea plans to launch a rocket next month. Intelligence officials say they couldn’t tell at first whether they were looking at a launch tower or Kim Jong Il’s hair.

This week the Postmaster General told Congress the post office will run out of money this year unless it gets help. The good news is Congress has approved the money. The bad news is they said the check is in the mail.

A Senate subcommittee is going to hold hearings on how college football chooses its national champion. There are two competing plans for choosing a college football champion: the Democrats’ plan involves a playoff system and the Republicans plan involves cutting taxes for the rich.

A Senate subcommittee is going to hold hearings on how college football chooses its national champion. Experts say whatever plan they come up with will involve some sort of playoff system and lots of new bridges.

[link | comment]

We’re down to the Sweet Sixteen in the NCAA basketball tournament. Nobody gets more excited about the Sweet Sixteen than college basketball fans, gamblers and R Kelly.

During her visit to Mexico, Hillary Clinton blamed America’s insatiable demand for drugs on much of Mexico’s drug violence. However, she said on the plus side it’s also given us Cheech and Chong and Pineapple Express.

Hillary Clinton was in Mexico today meeting with President Felipe Calderon. She’ll be the first Clinton to go to Mexico and meet with the Mexican president and the first one to come back from Mexico without an STD.

Forestry officials in western China are using the abortion pill to halt the growing rodent population. They’re so desperate to stop rodents from reproducing they’ve also banned all Barry White records.

Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich hosted a Chicago radio show Wednesday. He offered up a Senate seat to the eighth caller.

A minor league baseball team in Michigan is selling a 4,800 calorie hamburger that has five beef patties, five slices of cheese, a cup of chili and chips and salsa. If you eat the whole thing you get a free t-shirt for each one of your survivors.

Google has developed a way for email users to unsend embarrassing emails. They’re hoping to someday apply the same technology to embarrassing wedding toasts.

Yankee Stadium is being sold, everything must go. It’s a good sale; today I got a great deal on a weak hitting outfielder.

An eighth grader in Florida was suspended from the school bus for three days for farting on the bus to make the other kids laugh. School officials say that sort of behavior is unacceptable – funny, but unacceptable.

A Japanese company has created a line of underwear that’s odor-free and can be worn for a week. The underwear was just tested by an astronaut on the space station and next will really be tested by a couple of middle school boys.

[link | comment]

President Obama stared down a CNN reporter at his news conference last night. President Obama is one tough dude; this is a guy who invited his mother-in-law in to live with him.

Yankee Stadium is being sold, everything must go. It’s a good sale; I got a great deal on a mirror with Alex Rodriguez’s lip prints.

New York Subway fares are rising from $2.00 to $2.50. Even at $2.50 it’s still the cheapest show in town.

[link | comment]

During his primetime news conference last night President Obama read his remarks from a large video screen in the back of the room. The thing was so big even Helen Thomas could read it.

A teenager in England painted a 60-foot penis on the roof of his parents’ house. His mother said she had no idea what inspired him to do that but it sure wasn’t his dad.

An eighth grader in Florida was suspended from the school bus for three days for. He was originally given three days of detention but none of the teachers were willing to be in a room with him.

One of Michael Jackson’s gloves will be on display in Times Square this week to promote the upcoming Neverland Ranch auction. The glove is one of a kind, made of synthetic materials and is white – just like Michael.

Police in California are searching for a woman who skipped town after using a fake credit card to purchase breast implants. Witnesses describe her as white, blonde and about 38-40 – DDD.

A Japanese company has created a line of underwear that’s odor-free and can be worn for a week. The technology is so promising that earlier today Fruit of the Loom asked for a bailout.

Jennifer Aniston has reportedly broken up with boyfriend John Mayer because of his Twittering. Apparently he has a problem with premature tweeting.

Last week a Greek fisherman caught a 2,000 years old bronze statue in the Aegean Sea. It’s the oldest thing pulled out of the sea that didn’t land up at Red Lobster.

In China they’re developing a musical based on Das Kapital. It’s not going well; so far nobody can think of anything that rhymes with “proletariat”.

The Czech Republic’s government was ousted Tuesday night for its poor handling of the economic crisis. They were voted out last night and officially checked out this morning.

[link | comment]

In his upcoming tell-all book, Bob Barker says he once seriously considered an offer to appear in porn movies. He said, ultimately, he didn’t do it because the price wasn’t right.

A new study has ranked Prague’s Franz Kafka International as the world’s most alienating airport. It was ranked that way due to long delays, lost luggage and people being turned into dung beetles.

A carmaker in India has come out with the world’s cheapest car, the Tata Nano, which costs $2,000, has a top speed of 43 miles per hour and doesn’t have power windows, air conditioning or a radio. I thought that car already existed; it’s called the 1990 Geo Metro.

The Council of Compulsive Gambling in New Jersey is warning that March Madness can create gambling problems. They say the odds of it happening are 2-to-1.

A 93-year-old Japanese man has certified as the only person to survive both atomic bombings. They say the only person to survive more catastrophic bombs then this guy is Colin Farrell.

Fifty-four-year-old Bruce Willis married thirty-year-old model Emma Heming this past weekend with his ex-wife Demi Moore and her husband, Ashton Kutcher, present. Bruce and Demi are so close they even share baby sitters – for their spouses.

To avoid a public relations disaster, disgraced insurance company AIG is renaming itself. In an ironic twist AIG has sold their naming rights to the New York Yankees.

Last week a Greek fisherman caught a 2,000 years old bronze statue in the Aegean Sea. They’ve got so many antiques in Greece that the guy had to throw it back because it wasn’t old enough.

A Japanese company has developed underwear that can burn away body fat. The underwear comes in three sizes: small, medium and Oprah.

This September, a man in Spain will become the first transsexual ever to give birth to twins. Not to be outdone, earlier today the Octomom announced that she’s getting a sex change.

[link | comment]

Microsoft has released Internet Explorer 8, which has a special porn mode. Here’s how porn mode works: it makes it much easier to operate the browser one handed.

On this date in 1857 the first elevator was installed here in New York City. March 23, 1857 was a big day because it was not only the date the first elevator was installed but it was also the date of the first ever awkward elevator silence between two people.

Octomom Nadya Suleman has revealed some information about the father of her octuplets. She said he’s in his late thirties, he’s not American and she currently can’t a hold of him.

In China they announced today that they’re developing a musical based on Das Kapital. They say the goal is to help tell the story of communism in a much gayer way.

A New Jersey company is selling official Yankee Stadium grass. Not to be outdone, earlier today Michael Phelps introduced his own line of grass.

A minister in Iowa is giving away shot glasses that advertise his church’s name and number to area bars. He said he only did it because hosting a wet T-shirt competition seemed tacky.

The Post Office announced last week that it’s cutting 3,000 jobs. It’s already affecting the economy – this week gun sales are way up.

Police in Nigeria have arrested a one hundred fourteen-year-old man after discovering more than one hundred bags of marijuana behind his house. The good news is he’s only looking at a few months in jail. The bad news is that’s a life sentence.

This September, a man in Spain will become the first transsexual ever to give birth to twins. He says being a pregnant man is tough; he never wants to have sex with himself.

Egypt is asking for the return of a 3,000-year-old wooden coffin that is currently in Miami. Archaeologists are calling it the earliest known example of lost luggage.

[link | comment]

Today was day two of March Madness and people all over the country were watching basketball at work. On Monday people will get back to doing what they usually do at work – watch porn.

Today at the White House the Obamas planted a vegetable garden. For fertilizer they’ll use compost, crab meal and old Rush Limbaugh transcripts.

Yesterday President Obama appeared with California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger at a town hall meeting in Los Angeles. The two of them look so different that when I saw them together I thought I was watching “Twins 2.”

During his town hall meeting with California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger Thursday, President Obama took questions from a third-grade boy. It’s nice for a change to see our president have that conversation and not be the one sounding like a third grader.

Yesterday California prison officials released a new photograph of Charles Manson. He’s 74 but, I swear, he doesn’t look a day over crazy.

Economists are predicting that the world economy will shrink between one half and one percent next year. Is it just me, or does it seem odd to be talking about global shrinkage with global warming going on?

This week Simon and Garfunkel announced plans for a reunion tour this summer. In order to go on tour Paul Simon had to cancel some solo performances and Art Garfunkel had to get somebody to cover for him at McDonalds.

The owner of a Rhode Island strip club will host a job fair this Saturday, hoping to fill thirty positions. If you’re going there to interview here’s a tip: don’t bother getting dressed up.

The first U.S. tourist flights into space will be available in 2011. Tickets are $200,000, or $200,001 if you want a pair of headphones.

A high school principal in Texas was accused Wednesday of forcing students to fight each other in a steel cage without head protection. School officials said school should be a place where students only participate in safe activities – like dodgeball.

[link | comment]

President Obama says he would prefer to be a good president for four years rather than a mediocre one for eight. Bear in mind he lives in the White House with his mother-in-law.

[link | comment]

All across France today workers held a one-day strike to demand the government do more to fix the economic crisis. Things got so out of hand that at one point the French government had to call in the Germans to get things under control.

A new audiotape from Osama bin Laden was released. Experts say they know it’s recent because in it he calls for the overthrow of the new president of Somalia and he also complains about Facebook’s new layout.

In his first speech since leaving office, former President George W. Bush received two standing ovations. They each came after he referred to himself as the former president.

Earlier tonight Barack Obama became the first sitting president to appear on a late night talk show when he was on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. It went so well that earlier today NBC named President Obama to replace Jay Leno at 10:00 in five years.

The first U.S. tourist flights into space will be available in 2011, with tickets starting at two hundred thousand dollars. For $300,000 you can get a flight that doesn’t connect through Pittsburgh.

David Prowse, the actor who played Darth Vader, announced that he has prostate cancer. Well, technically, the announcement was made by James Earl Jones.

CBS announced Wednesday that it has renewed the comedy “Two and a Half Men” for three more years. They also announced that the little kid in that show has grown so much they’ve also renamed it to “Two and Three Quarters Men.”

In Nebraska, a former police officer who was fired for being overweight was reinstated on Tuesday. The officer may sue for lost wages and Dunkin Donuts may sue for lost sales.

The NCAA basketball tournament started today and it’s being affected by the bad economy. Earlier today the NCAA announced they were eliminating all bonuses for the winners.

The teen birth rate in the United States rose for second straight year in 2007. Experts blame the schools – if more boys would have sex with their teachers we wouldn’t have this problem.

[link | comment]

Yesterday North Korea opened its first pizzeria, after Kim Jong-il said North Koreans should be able to try the world’s best foods. Apparently in North Korea Applebee’s would be a five star restaurant.

Scientists in Israel have developed a device that will let plants send text messages when they need watering. They say with the device plants will text their owners when they need water, sunlight, or a ride home from the mall.

A new study out says that people who have great sex live longer. That’s interesting but it still doesn’t explain why Larry King is still alive.

A kindergarten teacher in Connecticut has been arrested for forcing a 5-year-old to eat food from a garbage can. The ironic thing is the kid said it tasted better than the usual cafeteria lunch.

George W. Bush has announced plans to write a book about the twelve toughest decisions he made while in office. It’s tentatively titled, “My Half-Dozen Toughest Decisions as President.”

Police in upstate New York are looking for a man who accidentally recorded himself setting up a video camera in a Starbucks bathroom to spy on other people. Police describe him as about 6 feet tall, 35-40 years old, and extremely pretentious.

A brothel in Berlin is now offering all you can eat food and drinks included in the price of the girl. Not surprisingly, the most popular item on the menu is the tuna.

Forbes magazine says that billionaires in the world have lost half their wealth in the last year. It’s so bad for billionaires that today I saw a guy on a street corner with a sign that said, “Will be rich for food.”

The April issue of the Oprah magazine has First Lady Michelle Obama on the cover with Oprah. It’s an amazing picture: the most famous and powerful woman in the free world standing next to Michelle Obama.

There’s a new study out that finds that Americans are less religious than ever before. Here’s how desperate the Catholic Church is to win back members: earlier today they eliminated three commandments.

[link | comment]

Good news: a new study has found that the number of teens who sniff glue, lighter fluid, spray paint and shoe polish is down nationwide. The bad news is the glue, lighter fluid, spray paint and shoe polish industries now all need bailouts.

Adult film star Jenna Jameson gave birth to twin boys Monday morning. The labor and delivery weren’t caught on film but the conception was.

A German food company has come out with frozen chicken dinner called Obama-Fingers. They also sell a food named after our previous president: Bush-Jerky.

Researchers in Britain have determined that it takes twenty-three hours and forty-five minutes for a woman to get ready for a special occasion – which is perfect because most men only need that last 15 minutes to get ready.

This week Senator Charles Grassley said that AIG executives should either apologize to the American people or kill themselves. Not to be outdone, earlier today Senator Larry Craig said that AIG executives should either apologize to the American people or get the hell out of his stall.

The UN now estimates that world population will be over 9 billion people by 2050, up from 6.8 billion now. They attribute most of the increase to developing countries and the Octomom.

Engineers in Germany have developed a way to turn sewage into charcoal. In order to make it commercially viable they’re now trying to refine their methods to turn sewage into self-lighting charcoal.

Sesame Street has laid off 20 percent of its work force. It’s the worst news for Bert and Ernie since California banned gay marriage.

Jessica Simpson has recently lost a lot of weight. Friends say she hasn’t dropped this many useless pounds since she dumped Nick Lachey.

Michael Jackson is going to perform in London this summer. It’s the first time his face will be on stage in years. Well, at least, his current face.

[link | comment]