From March through December of 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the LATE NIGHT with JIMMY FALLON. I wrote and submitted about 8 jokes for each show they taped, most of which weren't used. But, sometimes, one was!

This section displays all of the jokes I submitted to the show for this brief time. Use the archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.

Jokes highlighted in bold were used on air. You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Jimmy, as well as those told by Dave, Jay and Carson on my Late Night Jokes page.

Enjoy!

Tiger Woods has been voted the PGA Player of the Year. Here’s the funny thing – it had nothing to do with his golf game.

Tiger Woods has been voted the Player of the Year by his fellow pro golfers. He’s also been voted player of the year by every other guy on the planet.

President Obama sat down for an interview about health care today on National Public Radio. Apparently he’s hoping to finally win over public radio listeners.

More than 100 people spent the night at a department store in England this week after they were stranded by heavy snow. They said the worst part was having to avoid the clerks spraying perfume samples all night.

A man in China threatened to blow up a restaurant with dynamite strapped to his chest, but it turns out the dynamite were just sausages. Police say that he couldn’t have blown the place up but he could’ve caused some serious heartburn.

A 13-year-old dog in suburban New York was just diagnosed with swine flu – apparently he caught it from his owner. Experts are recommending that, just to keep their pets safe from the swine flu, dog owners should wipe their crotches down with Purel.

Supermarkets in Britain are selling out of premium toilet paper because people are stocking up to impress their out-of-town guests. Odds are if your guests are impressed by the quality of your toilet paper they’re probably also impressed by the fact that you have indoor plumbing.

Supermarkets in Britain are selling out of premium toilet paper because people are stocking up to impress their out-of-town guests. Who are these out-of-town guests? Survivor contestants?

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President Obama surprised a group of children at a Boys and Girls Club in Washington, D.C. yesterday with a basket of cookies and a Christmas Story. He read The Polar Express to them, then they grilled him on health care reform.

Police in California are searching for a man dressed as Santa Claus who stole money and a shotgun from 14 unlocked cars over the weekend. So, instead of leaving cookies and milk out for Santa this Christmas Eve, police are recommending that you just hide your valuables.

Susan Boyle is being considered to sing the theme song for the next James Bond movie. Even better news: she’s not being considered as a Bond girl.

Yesterday a California appeals court rejected Roman Polanski’s request to have his sex case dismissed. Well, they’re certainly not the first people to reject his advances.

A new order from the general in charge of U.S. troops northern Iraq makes getting pregnant or impregnating a fellow soldier an offense punishable by court-martial. In a related story Jon Gosselin has decided not to enlist.

A new survey (from the Computer Science Teachers Association) found that the number of schools offering computer science courses has dropped from 78% to 65% this year. On the plus side, the number of students getting wedgied and stuffed into lockers for taking computer science also down from 78% to 65% this year.

Archaeologists in Israel just unveiled remains of the first home in Nazareth from the time of Jesus. They say the house is 2,000 years old and has almost regained it’s value to what it was worth in the time of Jesus.

Cher is selling her home in Hawaii for $12 million. It was custom made for her using a variety of tropical woods – just like her face.

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We got 11 inches of snow this weekend in New York. The city hasn’t been this white since the last time the Republican National Convention was here.

The AARP officially endorsed the Senate’s health care bill this weekend. The endorsement came in the form of a letter to the Senate that began, “Dear Senators – Wait, why am I writing to you again?”

It’s official – Jon and Kate Gosselin are officially divorced after 10 years of marriage. She gets custody of the kids, he gets custody of the babysitter.

A university in Japan has developed a robotic baby that has an animated screen for a face, and can cry “real” tears. The baby is so real the Octomom has ordered a dozen.

A Rembrandt painting that sold for a record $33.2 million last week was bought by casino mogul Steve Wynn. Just to be extra sure he got the painting as part of his bid he also threw in a free buffet dinner.

A new poll found that 52% of pet owners plan to buy their animals a holiday gift – up from 43% last year. The other 48% said they’ll just regift something.

A new study found that alcohol and marijuana addiction may be linked to the same gene. The results of the study were published in the Journal of Duh.

The 18-foot Christmas tree inside the White House Blue Room is decorated this year with ornaments recycled from old administrations – in an effort to be environmentally friendly. For example, they’ve got some bulbs from the Clinton administration, some angels from the Reagan administration, and some beef jerky from the George W. Bush administration.

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President Obama held four bilateral meetings with world leaders in Copenhagen today. I think the only president to have more bilateral meetings in one day was Bill Clinton – but those weren’t with world leaders.

Tiger Woods has reportedly been golfing at night in Florida after intense therapy and counseling sessions. Golfing is good therapy for him since it’s the thing he does best – well, the second best thing.

Joe Biden compared high-speed Internet to modern highway infrastructure, saying it’s “a four-lane interstate versus…Route 9.” To be specific, he said it’s like a four-lane interstate with porn shops and casinos every 100 feet.

Police in Tennessee say a 4-year-old-boy broke into his neighbor’s house, drank a beer and opened their Christmas presents. His mother says she can’t figure out what happened – he usually likes to drink beer at home.

Big news. Kevin Jonas, from the Jonas Brothers, is getting married this weekend! We don’t know many specifics about the wedding, other than that there will be at least one lousy singer at the reception.

Researchers in Canada have discovered the world’s oldest known DNA – 419 million years old – inside ancient salt deposits. The previous oldest known DNA in the world was found in Larry King.

Two men in San Diego have created a device called Bark 4 Beer – a dog collar that retracts into a bottle opener. It’s expected to be a big hit with beer drinking dog owners and beer drinkers into S&M.

A high school music teacher in Arizona is on administrative leave after she took the choir to a Hooters restaurant. On the plus side, her students have nominated her for Teacher of the Year.

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Just 9 days until Christmas. Right about now Santa is working on his naughty and nice lists – and I think we all know which list Tiger Woods is on.

This week in Copenhagen they’re holding the U.N. Climate Change Conference, and even Santa Claus is trying be green. This year for the first time, all the bad little kids will get clean burning coal in their stockings.

On this date in 1903 Orville and Wilbur Wright made the first flight in a heavier-than-air plane at Kitty Hawk, N.C. The only glitch with that first flight was that Orville’s luggage landed up in Cincinnati.

An Irish company is marketing the first environmentally friendly vibrator that’s operated by a hand crank. I’m thinking, doesn’t that go against the whole point of a vibrator – to not have to do any work?

Organizers of a proposed charter school in New York named after Barack Obama will need a new name – because of a White House policy that bans the use of the president’s name while he is in office. They say they’ll pick a new name for now and then change the name back to the Barack Obama School in January 2013.

Police in Wisconsin arrested a man dressed as Santa Claus for drunk driving after he stumbled out of his car and asked for help finding his reindeer. He was also charged with attempted bribery after he offered to put the police and their kids on his “nice” list.

A couple in South Dakota was arrested when they faked the husband’s death after eating oysters – to collect on life insurance. Wow, that’s weird – somebody actually lives in South Dakota?

A new study found that women who wait more than 11 months between pregnancies have healthier babies. The study also found that they had happier husbands.

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Tiger Woods’ wife Elin has reportedly hired a divorce lawyer. This may be the best thing that could happen to Tiger – you know, getting divorced and settling down.

Tonight is the sixth night of Hanukkah. Down in Washington Senator Joe Lieberman is celebrating Hanukkah by making one new demand for passing the health care reform care bill each day.

This is crazy. A man in England Googled “how to deliver a baby” when his wife went into labor and found a step-by-step guide to help deliver a healthy baby girl. The sad part is he had to do the same thing to get his wife pregnant in the first place.

Police here in New York are searching for a man who exposed himself to a woman on a Queens-bound G train. The police have narrowed it down to about 2 million guys.

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg is at the climate conference in Copenhagen this week. He demonstrated his own commitment to being green by sitting on recycled phone books.

Scientists in Indonesia have discovered an octopus that collects coconut shells for shelter. It’s an amazing discovery because it’s the first evidence that an invertebrate animal has watched Gilligan’s Island.

In England, a 45-year-old mother of 13 says she wants In Vitro Fertilization for her Christmas present this year so she can have her 14th child. Her husband said that for Christmas he wants a lifetime supply of Valium.

Boeing’s 787 Dreamliner – which can hold over 300 passengers – made its first test flight yesterday. Only the pilot and co-pilot were on yesterday’s flight; the next round of testing will include bitchy flight attendants.

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“Avatar” opens on Friday, and I’ve read that its 3-D effects are making some people nauseous. It’s either that or the butter flavored popcorn topping.

The New York Times is reporting some controversy over the guest list at tomorrow’s White House Hanukkah Party – because the Obamas are inviting fewer people than the Bush administration did last year. On the plus side, unlike the Bushes, the Obamas won’t be serving pork.

After meeting with Wall Street executives yesterday, President Obama said, “I’ve just finished a candid and productive meeting.” He followed that up with, “Has anybody seen my wallet?”

After meeting with Wall Street executives yesterday, President Obama said, “I’ve just finished a candid and productive meeting.” After the meeting the Wall Street executives said, “I can’t believe he just gave us more money!”

Courtney Love lost legal custody of her 17-year-old daughter, Frances Bean – reportedly after a long period of unstable conduct. It was a pretty long period – about 45 years.

Police in Texas arrested a man for breaking into a house after they found the man taking a bath in the house. He’s been charged with breaking and exfoliating.

A new survey found that 52% of American workers think their bosses are likeable. The other 48% don’t have brown noses.

NBC announced that Season 9 of “The Biggest Loser” will premiere on January 5. In an unusual move, they also announced the winner: Tiger Woods.

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There are only 10 more shopping days until Christmas! Or, for you guys, only nine more procrastinating days.

The Tiger Woods scandal will now be adapted into an adult film. They say it will be pretty to true to the real story – but less dirty.

Angelina Jolie wrote an Op Ed for Newsweek where she calls on President Obama to do more to help Darfur. Today, in response, Michelle Obama told her to stay away from her husband.

Yesterday the Senate passed a $1.1 trillion spending bill with increased budgets for health, education, law and veterans’ programs. The bill has been passed by the House and Senate and now just has to be signed off on by Wall Street.

President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama have chosen their holiday card! Unlike the Bush’s card, the Obamas’ holiday card doesn’t mention Christmas, doesn’t feature a biblical passage, and doesn’t have any spelling errors.

Houston, Texas just became the largest city in the U.S. to elect its first openly gay mayor! That’s not counting the time that LA gave a key to the city to Ellen.

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi suffered a broken nose and two broken teeth after he was hit in the face by a statuette at a rally in Rome yesterday. He spent the night in the hospital but he’s apparently doing better because his condition has been upgraded from serious to horny.

Nobel Prize winning economist and MIT professor Paul Samuelson died yesterday at the age of 94. Lots of his former students are expected to attend his funeral – but most will drop it about half way through.

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Hey everyone, it’s the first night of Hanukkah! Everybody’s got the Hanukkah spirit this year; for the next eight nights Tiger Woods will sleep with a different mistress.

On Hanukkah, you eat “latkes,” or potato pancakes. I love potato pancakes! I make them using a boxed mix: Aunt Jemimaberg.

George Stephanopoulos is going to become an anchor of “Good Morning America”. He’s starts on Monday, but it could be weeks before they finishing paint his name on the dressing room door.

Playboy just launched an iPhone app for $1.99 – but because of Apple’s no “adult content” policy there is no nudity. So, I guess we’ll finally found out how many guys really do read it for the articles.

A woman in Florida is suing Burger King for $5 million – claiming the company’s promotional text messages about burgers and milk shakes caused her “actual harm.” If the woman feels that text messages about their burgers and shakes are harming her, just wait until she actually eats the food.

A new study found that 1% of men buy gifts for their loved ones at gas stations on Christmas Day. I’m thinking, if that’s where those guys buy gifts for their loved ones, where do they buy gifts for people they don’t like that much?

Jenny Sanford, the estranged wife of South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, announced Friday that she has filed for divorce. Friends say he’s taking it hard and it could be months before he’s ready to start hiking again.

When asked if he gives good Christmas gifts, President Obama told Oprah: “I give nicer stuff than I get,” – which means the Nobel prize committee should be getting something really, really nice this year.

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President Obama was in Oslo for less than 24 hours today to accept his Nobel Peace Prize, while the official Nobel program is typically spread out over three days. Apparently, it was “wham, bam, thank you, Sven.”

Norway spent $16 million on security for President Obama’s visit – despite the fact that he was there for less than 24 hours. They went all out to protect him; for transportation they provided Obama with a custom built, bullet proof reindeer.

Tiger Woods’ alleged mistress, Jamiee Grubbs, apologized to Tiger Woods’ wife on “Extra” last night. She still hasn’t apologized to his other mistresses.

The US Federal Emergency Management Agency is suggesting that Americans give their loved ones a home disaster kit for Christmas. A home disaster kit includes food, water and prescription medications for 72 hours, which explains why Amy Winehouse’s home disaster kit weighs 2 tons.

General David Petraeus – leader of the U.S. Central Command – said yesterday that the situation in Afghanistan is no worse than Iraq was two years ago. That’s the good news; the bad news is nothing could be worse than Iraq was two years ago.

This is crazy. Police in New Jersey arrested a man who dressed up as his mother and tried to withdraw money from her account through the bank’s drive-through window. The craziest part is he blamed his actions on PMS.

607 people dressed as elves gathered at Bryant Park here in New York City to set a Guinness World Record for the largest gathering of Santa’s Elves in one place. Actually, they tied the old record of 0, since elves don’t exist.

The “skinniest house” in Britain – a 66-inch-wide property in London – is now on the market for $1 million. It’s got plenty of closet space; actually, it IS a closet.

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President Obama is only the third sitting U.S. president to win a Nobel Peace Prize. Theodore Roosevelt won in 1906 and Woodrow Wilson won in 1919. Little known fact: all three times Joan Rivers worked the red carpet.

Gatorade announced it will discontinue Focus – it’s Tiger Woods drink. Some good news for Tiger, today, though; he signed an endorsement deal with AshleyMadison.com.

Tiger Woods’ wife, Elin Nordegren, reportedly moved out of their house in Florida and bought a $2 million mansion in Sweden. That’s too bad; if only Tiger had somebody to keep him company.

Kiki, a giant tortoise – and one of the world’s oldest animals – died last week in France at the age of 146. Kiki was the third oldest living animal behind another giant tortoise named Jonathan and Larry King.

A man in Minnesota was arrested after he threw two tomatoes at Sarah Palin during her book signing in the Mall of America this week. It was a close call; she was barely able to shoot it out of the air.

A man in Minnesota was arrested after he threw two tomatoes at Sarah Palin during her book signing in the Mall of America this week. The guy is pretty clever; he claimed he was just offering her a salad.

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg is calling on 100 professional trainers to volunteer their services by getting New Yorkers in shape for free. Mayor Bloomberg is really committed to helping people get in shape; he’s also asking hookers to offer discounts to fat guys.

The Senate is reportedly considering a tax on using tanning beds. The proposed tax is being strongly opposed by the tanning bed industry and George Hamilton.

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Oprah Winfrey has reportedly asked Tiger Woods to appear on her show for an interview – no word yet if he has agreed. Reportedly, he’s still talking it over with his caddy.

Tiger Woods’ mother-in-law was rushed to the hospital from his house earlier today. The good news is she’s doing well; her status has been upgraded from serious to seriously pissed-off.

Matt Lauer and Al Roker anchored the “Today” show from Afghanistan today – one week after President Obama announced he would send 30,000 additional troops to the country. NBC said they would be there until the Afghans were capable of hosting their own morning show.

Matt Lauer and Al Roker anchored the “Today” show from Afghanistan today – one week after President Obama announced he would send 30,000 additional troops to the country. Shortly afterward the Taliban said they give up.

New York City is now testing three new extremely quiet buses in Brooklyn and Manhattan. Apparently the new buses are so quiet you actually hear a person being pick-pocketed.

A university in Britain is taking applications for a researcher who will study lap dancing. The position pays about $62,000 a year – in one-dollar bills.

I read this in TIME Magazine: A new study (from the journal Pediatrics) found that parents in the U.S. are having “the sex talk” with their children too late. In fact, most are waiting so long to have it, they have it they just skip the kids and have the talk with the grandkids.

During a recent interview with CNN, Hillary Clinton said she is thrilled about her daughter Chelsea’s engagement but planning a wedding is “daunting.” For example, she said she can’t decide where to seat Bill and his date.

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One of Tiger Woods’ many alleged mistresses – a 34-year-old waitress from Florida – said in a recent interview that Tiger is “very well endowed” and “knows his way around the bedroom.” She said he’s never once gotten one of his balls stuck in the rough.

The White House announced Friday that President Obama will only attend the tail end of the climate conference in Copenhagen this week. It’s not that unusual; former President Clinton used to prefer the tail ends of things, too.

Copenhagen is expecting 140 private jets, 1,200 limousines and 20,000 people for the U.N. Climate Change Summit this week. The first major objective of the climate change summit: eliminating future climate change summits.

General James L. Jones said on CNN’s “State of the Union” yesterday the army doesn’t know exactly where Osama bin Laden is but their “best estimate is somewhere in North Waziristan.” He said if bin Laden isn’t in North Waziristan then he must be in South Whoknowsistan.

Did you hear about this? A man in Maryland updated his Facebook and Twitter accounts from the altar during his own wedding on Friday. He’s also planning to update Facebook and Twitter during his upcoming divorce proceedings.

Police in Pennsylvania are searching for a man who robbed a bank dressed up as Santa Claus. They say he should be considered armed and jolly.

Michael Vick returned to Atlanta yesterday and scored his first two touchdowns since his reinstatement to the NFL – in the Eagles’ 34-7 win over the Atlanta Falcons. It didn’t start well for Michael – he was greeted with a lot of booing, hissing and growling.

Brett Favre broke the NFL record for most consecutive games played yesterday with 283 in the Vikings’ game against the Cardinals. He also set a new NFL record for giving the most interviews standing naked in front of his locker.

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