Barry Bonds and his wife, Liz, are getting divorced.

Apparently she caught him injecting another woman.

You can also watch the video of the entire show here.

Tags: Barry Bonds, Jimmy Fallon, Late Night, steroids

Sarah Palin was in New York City yesterday.

She had a great time; she spent the day shooting rats from a helicopter.

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

Tags: David Letterman, Late Show, rats, Sarah Palin

Vice President Joe Biden was in New York City yesterday and he bought a suit at Barney’s.

It cost $2,400 and it’s high quality material - made from the same fabric as his hair.

You can also watch the video of the entire show here.

Tags: Jimmy Fallon, Joe Biden, Late Night

General Motors filed for bankruptcy on Monday.

Experts say GM will emerge from bankruptcy in 3 three years or 36,000 miles, whichever comes first.

You can also watch the video of the entire show here.

Tags: GM, Jimmy Fallon, Late Night

Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart got engaged.

He surprised her by getting down on one knee, popping the question and slipping a diamond ring around her waist.

You can also watch the video of the entire show here.

Tags: Calista Flockhart, Harrison Ford, Jimmy Fallon, Late Night

President Obama was a big hit telling jokes at the White House Correspondent’s dinner on Saturday.

He was so funny that earlier today NBC gave him the 10:00 slot.

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

Tags: Barack Obama, David Letterman, Late Show, NBC

Supreme Court Justice David Souter is stepping down from the court.

He says he wants to spend more time judging his family.

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

Tags: David Letterman, David Souter, Late Show, Supreme Court

Happy Earth Day!

Every Earth Day as a kid I used to wake up, run downstairs and see what Al Gore brought us.

You can also watch the video of the entire show here.

Tags: Al Gore, Earth Day, Jimmy Fallon, Late Night

Bill Clinton and George W. Bush will appear together on stage in Toronto for a two-hour friendly debate.

Each side got to pick a topic, so the first hour will be centered on the international banking crisis, the second hour will be dedicated to NASCAR trivia.

You can also watch the video of the entire show here.

Tags: Bill Clinton, George Bush, Jimmy Fallon, Late Night, NASCAR

I got married last week.

We went to the courthouse and the guys says, “Are you the father of the bride?”

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

Tags: David Letterman, Late Show, marriage

Police in Nigeria have arrested a one hundred fourteen-year-old man after discovering more than one hundred bags of marijuana behind his house.

The good news is he’s only looking at a few months in jail. The bad news is that’s a life sentence.

You can also watch the video of the entire show here.

Tags: Jimmy Fallon, Late Night, marijuana, Nigeria

It was a lovely day today here in New York City.

It was so nice today that AIG gave a bonus to Al Roker.

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

Tags: AIG, Al Roker, David Letterman, Late Show

Bernie Madoff spent his first weekend in jail in solitary confinement.

He’s alone 23 hours a day and he’s only allowed to shower twice a week - it’s like I have a twin.

Earlier today his guards caught him swindling himself.

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

Tags: Bernie Madoff, David Letterman, Late Show, prison

Bristol Palin and her fiancé Levi Johnston have split up.

Right about now Sarah Palin is in a helicopter hunting for the boyfriend with a rifle.

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

Tags: Bristol Palin, David Letterman, helicopter, hunting, Late Show, Levi Johnston, Sarah Palin

It was really windy here today in New York City.

It was so windy today that I had to jump in a cab and yell, “Follow that hairpiece!”

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

Tags: David Letterman, hairpiece, Late Show, wind

Celebrity birthday: Happy birthday today to Sarah Palin.

I don’t want to say how old she is, but from her house she can see 50.

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

Tags: David Letterman, Late Show, Sarah Palin

Former Yankee manager Joe Torre has a new book out.

In the book he says that Alex Rodriguez was a pretty boy who can’t perform when it counts - no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s what Madonna said.

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

Tags: Alex Rodriguez, David Letterman, Joe Torre, Late Show, Madonna

The Obamas officially moved to Washington, DC this week.

Earlier today their stuff arrived via U-Haul One.

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

Tags: Barack Obama, David Letterman, Late Show, U-Haul

It’s Christmas time so it’s tip time.

I’m all set for that; earlier today I went to the bank and got a roll of quarters.

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

Tags: Christmas, David Letterman, Late Show, tipping

On this day in 1903 the Wright Brothers made their first flight.

Orville made the first flight - 852 feet. Here’s the weird thing: somehow his luggage landed up in Dallas.

Those first flights were rough, it was drafty, it was cold, it was cramped, there was no food - today we call that JetBlue flights.

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

Tags: David Letterman, Late Show, Wright Brothers

Yesterday in Iraq a guy threw his shoe at President Bush.

Luckily President Bush was able to dodge the shoe. I believe he hasn’t dodged something like that since the Vietnam War.

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

Tags: David Letterman, George Bush, Iraq, Late Show, shoe, Vietnam

The Yankees have signed free agent pitcher C.C. Sabathia.

The deal is pending a physical by Madonna.

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

Tags: C.C. Sabathia, David Letterman, Late Show, Madonna, New York Yankees

OJ Simpson was convicted on Friday to 33 years in prison, but it could be less with good behavior.

That seems likely because, really, when you think of OJ, you think of good behavior.

Legal experts say his main problem was his lawyer couldn’t find anything that rhymes with memorabilia.

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

Tags: David Letterman, Late Show, memorabilia, OJ Simpson, prison

I have a lot to be thankful for this year.

Sarah Palin, Eliot Spitzer, John McCain, Amy Winehouse, Andy Dick…

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

Tags: Amy Winehouse, Andy Dick, David Letterman, Eliot Spitzer, John McCain, Late Show, Sarah Palin, Thanksgiving

Political insiders are now saying that Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton have formed a good working relationship but they don’t have a close personal relationship.

That’s right, Obama and Hillary have a good working relationship but not a close personal relationship - no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s Bill and Hillary.

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

Tags: Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, David Letterman, Hillary Clinton, Late Show

Now that the election is finally over, Sarah Palin is headed back to Alaska.

I know one thing: I wouldn’t want to be a moose now.

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

Tags: Alaska, election, moose, Sarah Palin

John McCain watched the debate and loved Sarah Palin’s performance.

As a matter of fact he applauded so much all of the lights in his house kept going on and off.

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

Tags: clapper, debate, John McCain, Sarah Palin

Sarah Palin is training for tomorrow night’s vice presidential debate in Arizona.

You know you’re in trouble when your debate goal is to do as well as Dan Quayle.

Sarah Palin is training for tomorrow night’s vice presidential debate in Arizona.

She says it’s really helped her on foreign policy because in Arizone she can see Mexico.

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

Tags: Arizona, Dan Quayle, debate, Joe Biden, Sarah Palin

All these world leaders while they’re in New York City over at the UN in their free time they’re doing some shopping.

Earlier today the Japanese premier got a great deal on Morgan Stanley.

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

They’re saying now that when John McCain and Sarah Palin are together he will hug her, but he won’t kiss her.

It’s just like Bill and Hillary.

O.J. Simpson is on trial again, this time for robbery and kidnapping in Law Vegas.

He has a pretty good alibi; he says he couldn’t have done it because at the time of the robbery he was across town stabbing somebody.

The oldest gorilla in captivity died last week at the age of 55.

The oldest known gorilla not in captivity is 61 and is governor of California.

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

Bill Clinton spoke earlier tonight at the Democratic National Convention.

The speech was a big success; he got four standing ovations and five phone numbers.

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

Tags: Bill Clinton, Democratic National Convention

The Olympics started today over in Beijing.

It’s two weeks of competition to see which country has the best pharmacists.

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

Tags: Beijing, Olympics, pharmacists

Brett Favre has approved a trade to the New York Jets.

The deal is pending a physical so he can have his head examined.

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

Tags: Brett Favre, Jets

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are now making campaign appearances together.

During the day they’re at campaign functions together and then at night they go to separate hotels - no wait, I’m sorry, that’s Hillary and Bill.

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

Tags: Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton

It was on this day in 1963 President Kennedy was in Germany and said “Ich bin ein Berliner”.

Now it’d be nice if we had a president who could speak English.

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

Tags: English, George Bush, Germany, John Kennedy

Yesterday former Vice President Al Gore officially endorsed Barack Obama.

Political experts say this should give Obama’s campaign a much needed shot of boredom.

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

It was hot and humid here in New York today.

It was so hot today that thing on Donald Trump’s head was panting.

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

BONUS: Dave told this joke again on the July 21, 2008 show!

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

This weekend the Pope will be holding a mass at Yankee Stadium.

When he’s done there he’ll go over to Madison Square Garden and administer last rights to the Knicks.

Here’s the audio:

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

Hillary Clinton has another campaign ad now showing her getting up at 3:00am to take an emergency phone call.

John McCain has his own ad about getting up at 3:00am, except in his ad he gets up to go to the bathroom.

Here’s the audio:

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

We learned this week that former Governor Eliot Spitzer would wear his black socks during sex.

For me the only thing I keep on is my hairpiece.

Here’s the audio:

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

If you think about it, Hillary and Obama have a lot in common.

Both are lawyers, both are senators, and neither one is sleeping with Bill Clinton.

Here’s the audio:

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

Last night in Cleveland Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama had their last debate.

You can tell Hillary is getting desperate. At one point she accused Obama of attending a party at Jose Canseco’s house.

Click here to hear it live! (format: MP3, size: 217kb)

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

John Edwards officially dropped out of the presidential race today.

He says he wants to spend more time with his haircut.

Click here to hear it live! (format: MP3, size: 77kb)

Celebrity birthdays: Vice President Dick Cheney turns 67 today.

His friends threw a big party for him and they all enjoyed playing Shoot the Tail Off the Donkey.

Click here to hear it live! (format: MP3, size: 263kb)

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

Osama bin Laden’s son Omar had a troubled childhood.

When he was 17 he wrecked his dad’s camel.

Click here to hear it live! (format: MP3, size: 135kb)

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

It was freezing cold today here in New York City.

The key to beating the cold is to dress in layers. So today I’m wearing two hairpieces.

Click here to hear it live! (format: MP3, size: 198kb)

Mayor Bloomberg and the mayor of Boston have already made the traditional Super Bowl bet.

Here’s the deal: if the Giants win New York gets a crate of lobsters. If the Patriots win, Boston gets Regis.

Click here to hear it live! (format: MP3, size: 433kb)

ADDED BONUS: Here’s a pic of Dave’s cue card guy Tony Mendez holding the card for this joke:

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

It was a nice day today here in New York City today.

It was so nice today that Isiah Thomas sexually harassed Al Roker.

Click here to hear it live! (format: MP3, size: 95kb)

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

The big U. N. General Assembly here in New York City is finally over.

It was a big success - only five world leaders are missing.

Click here to hear it live! (format: MP3, size: 168kb)

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

The big Jerry Lewis Labor Day telethon is coming up this weekend.

This year the oil in Jerry’s hair will be trans fat free.

Click here to hear it live! (format: MP3, size: 89kb)

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

Scientists in Baltimore have engineered the world’s first schizophrenic mice.

Big deal. Here in New York half of our rats are on Prozac.

Click here to hear it live! (format: MP3, size: 195kb)

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

It was so hot today that crooked NBA ref was fixing hockey games.

Click here to hear it live! (format: MP3, size: 60kb)

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

There’s a new sex survey that has compiled the top 237 reasons that people have sex.

For me number two would be my credit card went through.

Click here to hear it live! (format: MP3, size: 208kb)

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

President Bush’s doctors found five small polyps in his colon this weekend.

I’m thinking we should send these guys out to look for bin Laden.

Click here to hear it live! (format: MP3, size: 143kb)

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

Celebrity birthdays: David Hasselhoff turns 55 today.

He celebrated by eating cake off the floor.

Click here to hear it live! (format: MP3, size: 153kb)

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

The hookers in Times Square are offering their Friday the 13th special.

For an extra $50 you’re guaranteed to get lucky.

Click here to hear it live! (format: MP3, size: 88kb)

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

It was so hot today that Paris Hilton asked to be put back in the cooler.

Click here to hear it live! (format: MP3, size: 91kb)

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

You can tell that it’s Fleet Week here in New York City.

Over at St. Patrick’s the priests were out front whistling at sailors.

Click here to hear it live! (format: MP3, size: 93kb)

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

Experts say gas is going to hit $4 per gallon this summer.

It’s all part of President Bush’s “No Oil Company Left Behind” program.

Click here to hear it live! (format: MP3, size: 153kb)

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

For me the Kentucky Derby is a lot like sex.

It’s over in 2 minutes and costs me $100.

Click here to hear it live! (format: MP3, size: 120kb)

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

I first wrote this joke for Dave last year. Click here to hear the 2006 version live! (format: MP3, size: 108kb)

John Edwards had a $400 Beverly Hills haircut.

That’s a lot of dough. This hairpiece didn’t cost me $400.

Click here to hear it live! (format: MP3, size: 247kb)

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

It was a stormy day here New York City today.

The weather was so bad that Al Sharpton called for the firing of Al Roker.

Click here to hear it live! (format: MP3, size: 75kb)

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

It was so nice today that that crazy astronaut was wearing nothing but a diaper.

Click here to hear it live! (format: MP3, size: 93kb)

Congratulations to the Indianapolis Colts who won Super Bowl XLI last night.

So, now that the Colts have won the Super Bowl I’m once again Indianapolis’s biggest disappointment.

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President Bush has the answer for global warming.

He’s going to send 20,000 troops to the sun.

Click here to hear it live! (format: MP3, size: 146kb)

The Yankees have traded Randy Johnson back to the Arizona Diamondbacks.

So I guess now the oldest, most overpriced things in Yankee Stadium will be the hot dogs.

Click here to hear it live! (format: MP3, size: 135kb)

The Christmas season is here which means I have lots of people to tip.

Every year I go through the same dilemma: how much should I tip the guy who dry cleans my hairpiece?

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Mel Gibson’s Apocalypto was the number one movie last week and this week it dropped to number five.

Guess who Mel is blaming…

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Britney Spears and Kevin Federline are getting divorced.

Britney is expected to get custody of the kids; no word yet on who gets custody of Kevin Federline.

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An Australian company has developed new enhancing underwear for men to make them more attractive to women.

Here’s how it works: the underwear enhances your bulge in the wallet area.

Click here to hear it live! (format: MP3, size: 139kb)

Snoop Dogg has been arrested for drug possession.

He says he’s going to fight it; he’s going to pleade not-g’izzle.

Click here to hear it live! (format: MP3, size: 140kb)

Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie reportedly spoke recently for the first time in over a year.

Sources say it was a short but extremely dumb conversation.

Scientists recently announced that they’ve discovered the 3 million year-old skeleton of an ape-like human ancestor.

So far they’ve determined that this species was able to walk upright, climb trees and get elected governor of California.

Click here to hear it live! (format: MP3, size: 435kb)

North Korea recently tested a nuclear weapon.

President Bush said it’s OK, just so long as they don’t conduct a nuculer test.

Click here to hear it live! (format: MP3, size: 147kb)

It was a beautiful day today in New York City.

It was so nice today that ex-Congressman Mark Foley was sending inappropriate emails to Al Roker.

Click here to hear it live! (format: MP3, size: 102kb)

It was a beautiful day today in New York City.

It was so nice over at St. Patrick’s I saw a group of priests playing touch football with the altar boys.

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A scientist in Japan has developed a way for mice to give birth to rats.

Finally, a solution to our rat shortage.

Click here to hear it live! (format: MP3, size: 189kb)

Paramount Pictures has terminated its relationship with Tom Cruise.

Tom was so upset about it earlier today he called Brooke Shields to see if he could borrow some antidepressants.

Click here to hear it live! (format: MP3, size: 272kb)

Also quoted in The Sunday New York Times! (8/27/06)

In the new Miami Vice movie Crockett and Tubbs are a little older now.

They spend most of the movie trying to bust up an illegal shipment of Lipitor.

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Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock announced that they’re getting married next week on a yacht.

Pam will not only be the bride but she’ll also serve as a flotation device.

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President Bush is in Russia attending the G8 summit.

He wants to talk about hot spots in the world: fighting in the Middle East, missiles in North Korea, pirates in the Carribbean…

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It was so hot today here in New York City the Statue of Liberty was wearing a halter top.

It was so hot today that Angelina Jolie adopted an Eskimo.

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President Bush is in Austria today trying to convince European leaders to eliminate agricultural subsidies in order to promote global free trade.

Yeah, he has no idea what that means either.

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Anna Nicole Smith announced last week that she’s pregnant.

You know what that means: she’s gold digging for two now.

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The Federal Trade Commission has ruled that oil companies are not gouging customers.

They said technically they’re screwing customers.

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Earlier tonight President Bush addressed the United States about immigration.

During the speech he laid out his proposal and then he tried to hold his breath for nine minutes.

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Last night was the series finale of “The West Wing” and ABC has cancelled “Commander in Chief.”

So now the only fictional president is Bush.

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Yesterday the House of Representatives passed a $70 billion capital gains tax cut.

It’s all part of President Bush’s No Millionaire Left Behind program.

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Also quoted in The Sunday New York Times! (5/14/06)

It’s one of the worst allergey seasons on record here in New York City.

It’s so bad earlier today Rush Limbaugh admitted he was addicted to Claritin.

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For me the Kentucky Derby is a lot like having sex.

It costs me $50 and it’s over in two minutes.

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A woman in El Salvador recently celebrated her 128th birthday, making her the oldest person in the world.

And fellas - she’s single.

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Today is the 100th anniversary of the big San Francisco earthquake.

FEMA is on the way.

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Earlier today the Yankees played their home opener at Yankee Stadium.

It was an emotional moment when they introduced the old timers - and those were just the hot dogs.

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Earlier today there was a total eclipse of the sun.

President Bush said the eclipse of the sun proves the unreliability of solar power.

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Also quoted in The Sunday New York Times! (4/02/06)

We learned last week that when Dick Cheney travels he has to have a “downtime suite,” where he can relax and take it easy.

President Bush also has a “downtime suite” - it’s called the Oval Office.

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President Bush’s former domestic policy adviser Claude Allen was charged with defrauding a department store.

President Bush was shocked to hear this - he had no idea he had a domestic policy adviser.

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New York Knicks President Isiah Thomas has been charged with sexual harassment by a former employee.

On the bright side it’s nice to see somebody on the Knicks who’s got some moves.

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Researchers in Austria believe they’ve found Mozart’s skull.

They say they used a DNA test and, just to be sure, had Joan Rivers identify it.

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Also quoted in TV Guide! (1/23-29/06)

I don’t like to talk about people when they’re not here, but last night’s audience was really unpleasant.

They got downright ugly when they realized Oprah wasn’t going to be giving away any cars.

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Relief pitcher Billy Wagner has agreed to sign a deal with the Mets.

The deal is pending a physical - so he can have his head examined.

President Bush is on an eight-day tour of Asia.

He’s visiting American jobs.

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Osama bin Laden’s brother is under investigation in France for money laundering.

This is the kind of thing that could give the bin Laden family a bad name.

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Tomorrow here in New York City is Election Day.

Mayor Bloomberg is so confident about being reelected that earlier today he called Florida and cancelled the crooked voting machines.

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Yesterday President Bush nominated former Princeton economist Ben Bernanke to be the next Chairman of the Federal Reserve.

Apparently Bush is trying out a new strategy - qualified people.

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We’re still waiting for the results of the Iraqi election. The Sunnis are saying the vote was rigged.

I guess they really are getting an American style democracy.

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Yesterday at Madison Square Garden they had the annual Cat Show.

I’m thinking if I wanted to see pussies at the Garden I’ll go watch the Knicks play.

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President Bush is at his ranch in Texas on a five-week vacation.

Let’s see, oil prices are at record highs, the economy is still sluggish and Iraq is a mess - yeah, I’d say he’s earned five weeks off.

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Former President Clinton was offered 40 goats and 20 cows for his daughter Chelsea during a recent trip to Kenya.

President Clinton said no, but he did ask the guy what he’d give him for Hillary.

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I always love the Fourth of July weekend because it combines two of America’s favorite past times - alcohol and explosives.

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Yesterday they had the annual Gay Pride Parade here in New York City.

It was so hot during the parade that 20 minutes in regretted wearing my leather chaps.

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Saddam Hussein is writing a book of his memoirs.

I believe he’s the first jailed dictator to write a book since Martha Stewart.

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Pope Benedict XVI officially moved into the papal apartments this weekend.

Today he spent the entire day waiting for the cable guy.

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The newly elected president of Iraq said that he expects U.S. troops will leave the country within two years.

The bad news is they’ll be next door in Iran.

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U.S. customs agents arrested a man for trying to smuggle 800 pounds of bologna from Mexico.

President Bush said that this proves we’re winning the war against deli meat.

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