• the kids are already insane and they haven't had any candy yet. adding extra valium to my coffee… #
• ok, time to carve the pumpkin. best to work with sharp blades before the halloween drinking has started. #
• almost time for a pre-trick or treating party down the street. my liver is ready. #

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• joe buck looks more like max headroom every year. #
• coincidentally, i have the exact same hairdo as pedro martinez. #
• the cat's bitching at me again. aren't pets supposed to be enjoyable? #
• the only thing missing from the world series so far is a few more nike swooshes. well, that and a streaker. #
• uh oh, pedro coughs up another dinger. might be time for him to throw yogi berra to the ground to get the fire back. #
• Henry Louis Gates and James Crowley were spotted at a pub in Cambridge, having a drink. At this rate their next meeting will be in rehab. #
• watch out – i'm in the zone! could also be gas. #
• a certain someone in my household will be turning a certain age on sunday that rhymes with "zen." god help me. #
• new IT Underworld cartoon posted! where the wild things are, part 2: http://tinyurl.com/ycvt5j3 #
• friday boozing be underway! #

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• if fox was smart they'd have ozzie guillen announce the world series all by himself. i could listen to him ramble on all night long. #
• i think yogi just goosed michelle obama. #
• looks like the phillies have big armpit sweat stains. the yankees have a big lead in the style department. #
• just had a major health scare: i thought i was bleeding out of my belly button, but it turned out to be red lint. #
• looks like if it starts raining hard enough at yankee stadium they can always cover the infield with cc sabthia's pants. #
• once again the tooth fairy forgot to make a delivery last night and once again the tooth fairy has vowed to quit drinking. #
• Today in Pakistan Hillary Clinton had a testy exchange with a student. She got so mad that out of habit she told him to sleep on the couch. #
• tonight's plan: beer, food, work, cartooning, joke writing, baseball, survivor, put trash out, chauffeur 9 yr old to play rehearsal, crash. #
• just for the record, my neighbor is a total asshole. it's on! #
• the 7 year old just announced that she had to "toot the trumpet." #

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• finally, now i can finish off my glenn beck halloween cartoon. #
• joe lieberman vows to filibuster a public option? did he suffer head trauma recently? he just made the list. #
• waiting for 9 year old's suessical the musical rehearsal to end, i.e. solidifying my grip on father of the year award (again). #
• my glenn beck halloween cartoon is up! you say tomato: http://tinyurl.com/yhwty3h #
• Today NASA launched the world's tallest rocket, the 327-foot-tall Ares I-X. So, apparently, somebody at NASA is compensating for something. #
• looks like god and the angels are urinating pretty hard out there over boston right now. #
• another fine work day mercifully comes to an end. now home to deal with kid chaos. #
• home from work! time to change out of formal work attire (jeans) to casual home gear (fleece pants). #

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• wow – the 7 year old almost caused a massive and messy toilet overflow. she narrowly avoided being put up on ebay. #
• my glenn beck halloween cartoon is coming along nicely! just drawing him gives me gas. #
• me and my fellow commuters are training it into work yet again. you can smell the misery in the air. #
• screw this. i am now going for lunch. #
• didn't wear my watch today. i feel naked. could also be the lack of pants. #
• head about to explode once again. need beer – and salad. #

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Tags: candy, cartoon, Glenn Beck, Halloween

• look at me writing jokes for @jimmyfallon tonight. let the rejection continue! #
• clearly all blues songs were written on monday mornings. #
• i admit it – i don't understand the news feed/live feed difference on facebook. and i went to college. #
• i am in no way, shape or form prepared for monday. #
• A new report finds that one in three American workers has at least one symptom of depression. The symptom? Unemployment. #
• once again i am giving up. #
• i mean, i am really giving up this time. #
• 9 year old is negotiating the invite list to her birthday party with her mom, which explains the crying and yelling. #

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• school halloween function over! now at home snuggled up with a beer. #
• whoever invented the easy open, resealable tab on the oreos container should get a nobel prize. #
• it is time deal with the ridiculous amount of leaves already on my lawn. could take me all morning to blow them onto my neighbor's lawn. #
• sorry vikings fans – you were due to play a real team. that was fun! now time to prep chicken for grilling… #
• here's the evening plan: drink beer, grill/eat chicken, drink beer, watch baseball, drink beer, draw cartoon making fun of glenn beck, bed. #
• the bengals are kicking the crap out of the bears, but the bungles still look like an AFL2 team in those uniforms. #

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• uh oh – yoko just came on the screen. kids want know to who she is. that's advanced beatles learning; they're not ready yet. #
• now watching a show on the history of cold cuts. perhaps it's time for bed. #
• big day of farting around coming up. #
• just bought bananas at BJs, which seems fitting. #
• channel 38 is showing "sunday with the stooges" which is awesome – except that it's saturday. #
• taking the kids to a big halloween fest at their school tonight. hopefully there will be adult beverages for the adults. #
• time to go to halloween event at the kids school. boozing will have to wait a bit. #

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• ever take tupperware out of the drawer, put some leftover food in it and put the tupperware back in the drawer? me neither. #
• this angels pitcher is anything but lackey-adaisical tonight! #
• anybody else have trouble sleeping last night, knowing that windows 7 would be released today? speaking of: http://tinyurl.com/ygkc58q #
• oh christ, here it comes – another work day. fridays should always be quiet and low-key, by law. #
• i need my happy place music. or a drink. #
• honestly, i am working way too hard for a friday. it's like having too many notes in an opera. yes, too many notes. #
• i've been ordered to start drinking. #
• new IT Underworld cartoon: You may be on Facebook, but you're still no Rockefeller: http://tinyurl.com/yjkqhbq #
• the brakes on this commuter train seem a little, uh, soft. perhaps i should i get off at this station… #
• almost to my home station. next stop: the liquor store. #
• <!— here we go! watching the beatles anthology with the kids. they love the fab four. #

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• the nine year old may have strep throat. again. she may have to stay home from school again tomorrow. she's happy as a clam. #
• catching up on curb your enthusiasm. just watching the seinfeld reunion show. larry david is the best. the best! #
• went to the barber tonight. barber now had a big new TV that was showing glenn beck. time for a new barber. #
• guy in commercial won't talk to his doctor about ED, but he doesn't mind talking to a reflection of himself in public about ED. makes sense. #
• bad news fellow commuter train riders: i have boogers. #
• warning: my douchebag tolerance is way low this morning. #
• it's leftover burrito for lunch day! my life is sad. #
• these pretzels are making me thirsty. #
• busy evening ahead: beer drinking, dinner, baseball, survivor, work, cartooning, dumping kids in bed, etc. and etc. #
• about to whip up a mongo egg white omelet for mrs chumworth and i. #

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• i'm very tempted to fly to anaheim right now just to straighten cc sabathia's cap. #
• once again i am trying to watching baseball and once again PAT SAJACK is featured prominently behind home plate. he's giving me gas. #
• ok, i'm ready to grab this work day by the balls and wrestle it into submission! ha. not really. #
• look, i wrote a whole feature article for ITWorld.com about the WIndows 7 launch! http://tinyurl.com/ygkc58q #
• ok, i need a princess charming to take me away from all this. #
• ok, i'm done fooling around. time for some serious coffee. #
• fact: our first lady looks hot doing the hula hoop thing: http://tinyurl.com/yjmesfl #

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• just spotted pat sajack sitting behind home plate at the angels game. how long has he been dead? #
• baseball! #
• it's not looking good for a yankee sweep at this point. #
• sherlock holmes: i'm in! #
• got a date with my submarine book. #
• based on how this day is going i'm strongly considering floating off in a mylar balloon. #
• the commuter train is all jiggly and vibraty today. i may just stay on for a few extra stops. #
• steaming vegetables for dinner. still living dream. #

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• once again we tried the family dinner thing and once again it ended in disaster. when will we learn? #
• i have so much to do today i don't know where to start. well, let's begin at the beginning: pour coffee down pants. #
• honestly, it's not fair that i get to have this much fun at work. why am i so blessed? #
• heading home to beer, meatloaf and monday night football. #
• this train ride is making me gassy. #
• much as it pains me, i need to ditch my dave avatar, much has he ditched me. time for a new look. any suggestions for a replacement? #
• came home to find a check from @jimmyfallon for a joke last month! thanks jimmy! i will start submitting again next week. #

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• here's the sunday plan: coffee, housecleaning, football, comedy writing, beer. #
• topless bathroom cleaning is about to commence. #
• sorry brownie fans – time for your weekly beat down. #
• touchdown! yawn. #
• ok, fine, i meant field goal! still: yawn. #
• is it just me or does brett favre still play with a boyish enthusiasm? #
• ok, it is SNOWING again north of boston. STOP THIS MADNESS!!! why am i being punished? #
• oh you poor browns fans. poor bastards. but hey – we won! #
• the 7 year old got a certificate from school saying that she graduated "Magna Hand Laude from Hand Washing College! how proud am i? #
• the tennessee titans are about to go 0-6. that's what they get for stomping on the terrible towel last season. suck it, titans! #
• the house is awash in the smell of meatloaf. #
• why the hell would the pats leave tom brady in this game? dumb move. he should already be at home snuggling with gisele. #
• pats up 45-0 at half, come out in the second half with tom brady throwing. ha! bill belichick: classy as ever. #

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• the 7 year old and i just ate pizza and watched kung fu panda. she's happy as a clam. parenting is easy! #
• ok, new IT Underworld cartoon posted: http://tinyurl.com/ygzymxe #
• boy, the angels look about as sloppy as amy winehouse. #
• baseball players that wear those head socks – or even elmer fudd hats – should immediately be fined and/or suspended. embarrassing. #
• sprinkler system being winterized; sounds like the house is farting. #
• car #1 needs a new battery and four new tires! this week keeps getting better. yet another kick right in the jewels. #
• friends are coming by with their newborn baby today and mrs chumworth is on cloud nine. best she gets it out of her system vicariously. #
• 17 October and the supermarket is already out of candy corn. un-freaking-acceptable! #
• CAPTAIN LOU ALBANO DIED THREE DAYS AGO?!?! why didn't somebody tell me this? throw me a bone, here. #
• we're almost out of scotch tape. those of you with young children will realize what a crisis this is. #
• both kids are at birthday parties. the house is … quiet. boy, could i get used to this. #

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• the chumworths have decided to have a holiday party this year! always a good time. i'd better alert the authorities now. #
• it is snowing out north of boston. unacceptable! i blame the blue dogs. #
• daddy needs a toaster waffle. #
• what's worse than a flax-seed toaster waffle? a burnt flax-seed toaster waffle. #
• i may not survive today, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. #
• somebody please put me out of my misery now. #
• <– boy oh boy do i need this. #

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• thanks to the fact that bud selig is still an idiot, i have to wait yet another night for playoff baseball to resume. #
• ok, my nipples shouldn't be anywhere near this erect in mid-october. #
• taking a deep breath before diving into the work pool. a nice stiff drink would be more helpful. #
• mrs chumworth threatened to call the police on our kids last night. i had already dialed 9 and 1 before i figured out she was joking. #
• oh geez, why did i just eat that? #
• watch out fellow train commuters: i have some serious gas. #

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• time to end this ridiculously bad day by snuggling up with my latest submarine disaster book in bed. #
• my fellow commuters don't smell as bad this morning. perhaps today will be better than yesterday! #
• note to radio talk show hosts: when discussing football, it's probably best not to use the term "eat clock". too much potential for trouble. #
• honestly, i am working way too hard. i was born to be a man of leisure. #
• heading home to trade work chaos for kid chaos. #

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• the nine year old is always shoving papers in front of me to be signed. i just sign without looking. what could go wrong? #
• watching rockies and phillies. am i the only one who still has a hard time remembering that colorado has a baseball team? #
• look at the phillies catcher sitting on the ground. tony pena invented that move back in the day. tony! sorry, it's the champagne talking. #
• nice hit by jason giambi, but what the hell is on his face? i guess steroids can mess with you ability to shave properly. #
• today is not starting well. it's dark & rainy and the guy in the seat in front of me on the train is wearing cologne that smells like feet. #
• i'm at work. it's already obvious that i should have worn a cup today. #
• ok, who broke the lid on the work coffee pot? gonna make pouring a lot harder. #

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• the good news: i am home with the kids today. the bad news: i am home ALONE with the kids today. #
• it's flu shot day! #
• taking the kids out to lunch. i'll just put it on their tabs. #
• ok, just got my flu shot. feel free to sneeze on me. #
• new cartoon: you know you're indecisive when… http://tinyurl.com/yzc8ygg #
• we're about to attempt family dinner. with enough alcohol for mom and dad, we may get through it. #

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Tags: Afghanistan, Barack Obama, Brett Favre, cartoon, Rahm Emanuel

• <— beer! #
• about to broil some fish. not that I need any brain food. #
• sunday – the day god created for cleaning the litter box. #
• just took the air conditioners out for the winter. it was a success; i'm only bleeding in a couple of spots. #

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• i have agreed to a family game of uno. clearly, i am getting loaded. #
• a few more drinks and i'll be leaving a flaming bag of dog shit on the late show stoop. #
• i started the day with oatmeal, now i am ending it with oatmeal. #
• paying the bills and watching hannah montana with the girls. not sure which is more painful. #
• well, i have paid the bills for one more week. it was a magic trick worthy of david blaine. #
• polishing off big late night afternoon coffee before beer drinkin commences. #

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• brownie breath. who has it? i do. #
• coffee makes everything better. or, at least, it's makes things bearable until beer can be had to really makes things better. #
• normally i would be noodling up obama wins nobel peace prize jokes right about now. may need to get my late show tattoo removed. #
• work is like quicksand: the more you try get out of it, the more you get sucked in. it's best to remain motionless and pray for a miracle. #
• Earlier today Barack Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Meanwhile, in Arizona, John McCain won at Keno. #
• rushing home to my family and my beer. #
• <— time for some of this. it's because of weeks like this that god invented booze. #
• time for another IT Underworld cartoon caption contest. $25 amazon gift card on the line! http://tinyurl.com/yfd5osq #
• one beer down and i am getting more charming by the minute. #

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• ok, might as well make this official: i have been relieved of my writing duties for dave letterman. more details to come… #
• thank for the kind words all! i appreciate it. more details on what happened to come. now time for some desperately needed beauty sleep. #
• so, letterman is dropping freelancers left and right. nothing beats getting the boot from (essentially) a volunteer job. #
• well, no point in checking the news anymore. may as well unplug my TV, cancel the newspaper subscription and move into a cave. #
• listening to carly simon sing "nobody does it better" and imagining it's about me. it's not working. #
• ok, guess i should take all of the energy i put into joke writing and redirect it towards doing good for others. ha, who am i kidding? #
• it's always somewhat embarrassing to eat a banana in public. #
• ok, it's been 24 hours since dave dumped me and they haven't come crawling back. i'm starting to think they're serious. #
• i can collect unemployment after getting canned from a part-time freelance job, right? #
• one day not writing mono jokes and i'm already out of the loop on the news. is bill clinton still president? #
• well, the phillies deserve to win this game based on having much sweeter uniforms. #

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• i'm ending my day like it began: gassy. #
• nice job by them twinkies beating the tigers. jim leyland blows it again. #
• 8:43am and i am already swamped. going to my happy place… #
• ok, i'm even being swamped with work in my happy place. there's no winning. #
• not sure i will survive this work day. #
• no jokes sent to dave today. second time this week. could be a trend. i'm eating a banana. #
• well, ok, then. just had an interesting phone call. details to come. looks like i'll more free time in my evenings. #
• now, here's a headline i never thought i'd see: Steelers' Mendenhall named AFC Offensive Player of the Week #
• happy place, happy place, happy place. #
• boy oh boy, i should not have eaten that. #
• just when I thought this day couldn't suck more, it just started to suck more. #
• since my pirates just barely – flukishly – missed the playoffs this year, i will root for the twins, in honor of my minnesota relatives. #

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• looks like ESPN is finally done blowing brett favre. time for kickoff! #
• here's one for dave today: "I apologize if I seem a little cranky tonight. This morning I woke up on the wrong side of the couch." #
• ok, i'm ready for my daily work beat-down. #
• 10 jokes sent to dave letterman today; 4 of them about him. #
• this day is really starting to swirl around the toilet bowl. i think we all know what that means. #

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• seems like the commuter rail wifi had its coffee this morning! me, on the other hand, could use some coffee down the pants. #
• i have more snacks and beverages on my desk than i do work related material. that says it all. #
• Miners in South Africa recently found a 507 carat diamond. Here's how big it is: it's so big that Kobe Bryant has started dating again. #
• i have to buy notecards for the 9 year old on the way home. she needs them for homework. when i was a kid we didn't have such luxuries. #
• inking in a cartoon, drinking wine and trying to write kelly ripa birthday jokes all at once. i am the master of multitasking. #
• just finished and submitted a new @ITUnderworld cartoon about google wave. time now focus on jokes. dave tapes two shows tomorrow. #
• well, i came into work, mainly because told me i had to. #
• mono topic of the week on letterman: skunks. nothing beats writing brazen skunk jokes. #
• when in doubt, have lunch, i always say. #
• another work day, another ass kicking. #
• allow me to sum up my work day: ass kicked, name taken. #
• just put the trash out. still living the dream. #
• the 9 year old is back from musical rehearsal. now she's shoveling ice cream down her gullet. it's quite a sight. #
• dear starbucks: you're perfect oatmeal is far from it. way too watery. please rename it so other people don't get fooled. #
• nobody else in the house will eat the delicious batch of shake n bake pork chops i made this week. i'm thinking of ebaying the leftovers. #
• Friday afternoon. Let the games begin! #
• ok – it's official: I am in new orleans. let's have some fun! #
• hey look – they serve alcohol in NOLA… #
• ok, after drinking beer all day and evening and eating a "Cajun salad" for dinner, I don't feel so hot. #
• up too early in NOLA. time to forage for food. still haven't sighted a fruit or vegetable here – unless it was deep fried I didn't notice. #
• in NOLA playing cards. beer drinking will soon commence. #
• to be perfectly honest, bourbon street doesn't exactly smell fresh as a daisy. #
• just had a very tasty dinner in NOLA – and none of it was fried. #
• sadly, it is time to leave NOLA. my liver could use the break. #
• they just announced my flight home is delayed by 10 minutes. I assume they will serve us filet mignon to make up for it. #
• now on the plane. i assume they'll be coming around to give complimentary foot massages once we reach our cruising altitude. #
• wheels down in beantown. watch out, family – daddy will be home soon! #
• TOUCHDOWN!!!!!!!! not bad, boys. let's keep it up. #
• i've said it before and i'll say it again: no football team will ever win a title with a coach named "norv". #steelers #
• hey look – another touchdown!!!!!!! this is fun! boy, the chargers suck. #steelers #
• i had no idea this was chargers' bye week. who knew? #steelers #
• oh baby there's another six! i am embarrassed for my charger fan friends. #steelers #
• 28-0!!!!!! suck on that, philip rivers. i'm going to bed. #steelers #
• it's nobel prize season! i think this is my year – finally. #
• Cowabunga! It's my IT Underworld cartoon on Google Wave: http://tinyurl.com/ybkrdhn #
• didn't submit any jokes to letterman today. very unusual. i blame a weekend in new orleans. #
• this says it all: RT @JDCrowetoons @chumworth Some of the best ideas I never had happened while in NOLA #
• i bought our girls each a voodoo doll from new orleans. it seemed like a good idea, until i saw how well they took to the concept. #
• this captures my feelings on the letterman fooling around thing quite perfectly: http://tinyurl.com/yjozhf2 #
• my financial guy just sent our "wealth outlook report" with a snapshot of our "retirement planning success." this should be funny – and sad. #
• ahh – back home to my good boston beer (i.e. harpoon). sorry, new orleans, but that abita beer sucks. #
• just ate 10 day old leftover sausage calzone for dinner. what could go wrong? #
• that's hot! RT @JDCrowetoons Blazing Paddles teaser for tomorrow's "Spank" toon http://pic.gd/b02568 http://bit.ly/4iFpJj #

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• uh… i call fix. #steelers #
• ok, there's some critter living in our barn. might be time to move. #
• it was a skunk in the barn! left the door open, just saw him leave. the women folk were duly impressed with my bravery. #
• today sucked, so now i really can't wait to see how badly monday is going to blow. #
• not only is it monday, but i have to go to the dentist – and i am home with the kids all day. what have i done to deserve such suffering? #
• time to go to the dentist. pinch me – i must be dreaming! #
• tweeting from the dentist's chair. he scraped the gunk off my teeth and has now disappeared, leaving me wearing a bib. #
• back from the dentist. teeth and gums are stellar! yet, i didn't get a sticker. wtf? #
• the kids are making a helluva ruckus downstairs. time for the one sure fire solution: food. well, aside from duct tape. that works too. #
• dear work: please stop kicking my ass. it is really getting sore. have a heart. #
• just got another check from dave letterman! that's going right into one of the following: retirement savings, college savings or beer money. #
• what a beautiful day out there! i hearby grant all gentlemen in the boston area the "pants optional right" for the remainder of the day. #
• we're heading out to dinner. the whole family. at a restaurant. in public. pray for me. #
• survived dinner out with kids. or, rather, they survived. it was looking dicey there for a while. #
• wade phillips needs a bra. or a bro. or a manzier. #mnf #
• new cartoon: W was only off by one letter: http://tinyurl.com/ycg376j #
• Sarah Palin has finished her memoir. It's the first political memoir that features a pull-out centerfold. #
• clementines! yummy. #
• Sarah Palin has finished her memoir. It won't be published until November, but excerpts will be published before then in Guns & Ammo. #
• dear bank of america: your new ATMs that read checks being deposited keep rejecting my checks. bring back deposits by envelope. bitches. #
• hello to my new twitter buddies at the LA Times! must be something in the water out there today. #
• the 7 year old is trying to teach mrs chumworth some sort of card game that involves slapping. little kids are like drunk people. #
• i'm drawing a cartoon and eating nilla wafers. how old am i? sad. #
• the cat's snoring. that means it's time for bed. #
• seems like the commuter rail wifi had its coffee this morning! me, on the other hand, could use some coffee down the pants. #
• i have more snacks and beverages on my desk than i do work related material. that says it all. #
• Miners in South Africa recently found a 507 carat diamond. Here's how big it is: it's so big that Kobe Bryant has started dating again. #
• i have to buy notecards for the 9 year old on the way home. she needs them for homework. when i was a kid we didn't have such luxuries. #
• inking in a cartoon, drinking wine and trying to write kelly ripa birthday jokes all at once. i am the master of multitasking. #
• just finished and submitted a new @ITUnderworld cartoon about google wave. time now focus on jokes. dave tapes two shows tomorrow. #
• well, i came into work, mainly because told me i had to. #
• mono topic of the week on letterman: skunks. nothing beats writing brazen skunk jokes. #
• when in doubt, have lunch, i always say. #
• another work day, another ass kicking. #
• allow me to sum up my work day: ass kicked, name taken. #
• just put the trash out. still living the dream. #
• the 9 year old is back from musical rehearsal. now she's shoveling ice cream down her gullet. it's quite a sight. #
• dear starbucks: you're perfect oatmeal is far from it. way too watery. please rename it so other people don't get fooled. #
• nobody else in the house will eat the delicious batch of shake n bake pork chops i made this week. i'm thinking of ebaying the leftovers. #
• Friday afternoon. Let the games begin! #
• ok – it's official: I am in new orleans. let's have some fun! #
• hey look – they serve alcohol in NOLA… #
• ok, after drinking beer all day and evening and eating a "Cajun salad" for dinner, I don't feel so hot. #
• up too early in NOLA. time to forage for food. still haven't sighted a fruit or vegetable here – unless it was deep fried I didn't notice. #
• in NOLA playing cards. beer drinking will soon commence. #
• to be perfectly honest, bourbon street doesn't exactly smell fresh as a daisy. #
• just had a very tasty dinner in NOLA – and none of it was fried. #
• sadly, it is time to leave NOLA. my liver could use the break. #
• they just announced my flight home is delayed by 10 minutes. I assume they will serve us filet mignon to make up for it. #
• now on the plane. i assume they'll be coming around to give complimentary foot massages once we reach our cruising altitude. #
• wheels down in beantown. watch out, family – daddy will be home soon! #

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