MONDAY: Welcome to all you former Leno viewers tuning into my show for the time.
That means you, mom!
MONDAY: President Obama and his wife Michelle went out on a date here in New York City on Saturday night.
It’s nice, for a change, to see the president go out on a date that doesn’t result in impeachment charges.
MONDAY: Yesterday was the 120th anniversary of the Johnstown flood.
Earlier today, just in time for the anniversary, FEMA finally arrived.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: the 59th street bridge turns 100 this week.
The 59th street bridge is 100 years old, has had several face-lifts, and, over the years, countless number of people have been on it – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s Barbara Walters.
MONDAY: Congratulations to 13 year-old Kavya Shivashankar who won the Scripps National Spelling Bee last week.
She won by successfully spelling Shivashankar.
MONDAY: Britain’s Prince Harry was in New York this weekend and attended a polo match on Friday.
He was going to go to a Yankees game, but he said the tickets were too expensive.
MONDAY: Phil Spector has been sentenced 19 years to life for second-degree murder.
Prison officials say that, so far, he’s been crazy, he’s been wild, he’s been unruly – and that’s just his hair.
FRIDAY: Today is the 65th anniversary of the D-Day invasion.
In honor of D-Day today the stock market closed at 1944 levels.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton made a surprise appearance at Yale University’s graduation last week.
She hasn’t surprised anybody like that since she caught Bill with an intern.
Celebrity birthdays: LaToya Jackson just turned 53.
They say she’s the craziest of the Jackson girls, other than Michael.
A children’s clown in West Virgina was arrested last week for DUI.
Police say she failed a field sobriety test: she couldn’t make a balloon dog.
A reporter was dragged kicking and screaming from the press area near Air Force one in Los Angeles last week.
I believe it’s the first time somebody’s had to be dragged away from Air Force One kicking and screaming since Al Gore lost to George Bush.
Last week was the 50th anniversary of the first U.S. animals to fly in space and return safely – two monkeys.
Here’s how far we’ve come since then: today, an ape is governor of California.
Several Egyptian newspapers got hold of President Obama’s top-secret itinerary for his visit to Cairo last week.
Nobody knows how they got the information, but former vice president Dick Cheney has offered to help find out who was responsible.
Over in the Netherlands they’re going to close eight prisons because the crime rate there is so low.
It was either close some prisons or invite O. J. Simpson to come and live there.
Jessica Simpson is going to star in a new reality show about different beauty standards around the world.
The show is going to be shot in HD and, of course, wide screen.
Two workers at Yellowstone National Park have been fired for urinating into the Old Faithful geyser.
The good news is Old Faithful is clean now thanks to the world’s largest urinal cake.
A new poll released last week shows that only 29% of Minnesotans want Brett Favre to sign with the Vikings.
The sample poll was redone today and those 29% changed their minds.
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