MONDAY: Congratulations to Mine That Bird, who won the Kentucky Derby yesterday.
It’s amazing: two days ago nobody had ever head of Mine That Bird then today he’s dating Madonna’s horse.
MONDAY: Bookies are claiming that, due to the bad economy, betting on the Kentucky Derby was down 5% from last year.
That’s what the bookies say – or, at least, that’s what my mom says.
MONDAY: X-Men Origins: Wolverine was the number one movie this weekend.
Everybody has X-Men fever; the number one movie down in Times Square is XXX-Men.
MONDAY: Happy Star Wars Day!
Everybody here in New York City is excited about Star Wars Day. This morning on the subway I was groped by a wookie.
MONDAY: It was 59 and dreary here in New York City today – just like Rosie O’Donnell.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Mike Wallace turns 91 today.
His fiends and family threw him a surprise birthday party. Actually, it wasn’t supposed to be a surprise, but when he walked into the room he said “Wait, why did I come in here?”
Good news: crime in New York City is way down.
Crime is so low here in New York City that earlier today President Obama fired the head of the Gambino family.
Supreme Court Justice David Souter is stepping down from the court.
He says he wants to spend more time judging his own family.
Supreme Court Justice David Souter is stepping down from the court.
Here’s how powerful President Obama is these days: he’s considering replacing Judge Souter with Judge Judy.
In order to protect yourself from the swine flu, health officials are now recommending that everyone stay in their homes alone, wash their hands obsessively, and avoid contact with other people as much as possible.
I’m thinking, no problem, I do that anyways.
Everybody here in New York City is worried about the swine flu.
This morning during my cab ride to work I covered up my nose and mouth with a mask – but not because of the swine flu.
Everybody here in New York City is worried about the swine flu.
For example, I spent the whole weekend locked in my panic room.
Everybody here in New York City is excited about the hockey playoffs.
Earlier today I saw Rosie O’Donnell sporting her playoff beard.
Congratulations to Chelsea Clinton who’s getting married this summer.
Planning is already underway: Hillary is helping to pick out a wedding hall and a band and Bill is helping to pick out the bridesmaids.
The dad from Jon & Kate Plus 8 has been photographed out with another woman.
Apparently he was seen out on a date with the Octomom.
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