• on the porch drinking coffee, reviewing headlines, looking forward to saturday night beer and hockey! #
• ok, looks like we can pay the bills this week! won’t have to sell one of the kids. #
• taking the kids to the police station. i’ve been wanting to do this for years. #
• time to mow the lawn! pinch me. #
• having some pre-hockey coffee, before pre-hockey beer. also on tap later: champagne! to celebrate new job. #
• it is time (makes beer drinking gesture). #
• i will be able to take the commuter rail to my new job. that’s one less car on the I93/128 each day. you’re welcome, boston. #

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• this should be an interesting day. let’s commence getting it over with. #
• where’s the sun? i really need some sunshine today. #
• i’m always calling the girls lollygaggers, so i showed them the lollygagger scene from bull durham: http://tinyurl.com/2l6gnr classic! #
• two jokes down, eight to go for @jimmyfallon. not that any will get used, but whatever. #
• hanging christmas lights on the porch. is it too early? #
• Congrats to 13 yr-old Kavya Shivashankar who won the National Spelling Bee last night. She won by successfully spelling “Shivashankar.” #
• six jokes down, four to go in 30 minutes. in between snacking and bathroom breaks. #
• Happy birthday to LaToya Jackson who turns 53 today. People say she’s the craziest of the Jackson girls â€" other than Michael. #
• attention nerds: new IT Underworld cartoon posted! tell yer buddies: http://tinyurl.com/nna3px #
• just ate a whole can of beans. stay back. #
• happiness is a basement fridge full of harpoon IPA! #
• looks like i will actually have to go to work on monday! #
• <— friday beer consumption has begun! #
• mrs chumworth is happy that i will be gainfully employed once again starting on monday. #
• remember that whole can of beans i ate for lunch? well, so does my colon. #
• watching “tropic thunder”, finally! #

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• time to take the little goofballs to school. one of my true talents. #
• what’s with these alternating hold and cold weather flashes? is mother nature going through “the change”? #
• girls at school; joke writing for @jimmyfallon commencing… #
• 50 yrs ago today 2 monkeys became the first U.S. animals to fly in space. Here’s how far we’ve come: today, an ape is gov. of California. #
• spending entirely way too much time on this cartoon here. cartooning would be easier if i could actually draw! #
• ordering replacement parts for the grill. dream still being lived. #
• The final round of the National Spelling Bee takes place tonight. The stakes are high: the winner will get $40,000 and a lot of wedgies. #
• may as well clean the porch. sorry ladies – too cold to do it topless. #
• guess i gotta go get the girls from school – unless somebody can get me out of it. #
• girls home! plus one friend. plus mrs chumworth. it’s a party! #
• once again i am being sorely tested. #
• watching jerry maguire yet again. i can’t not watch. #
• just ate chocolate. the evening can only go downhill from here. #
• growing the beard back and it’s itchy as hell. either that or i have fleas. #

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• once again trying to get the girls ready for school. i need a whip and a chair for this. #
• girls dumped at school (lovingly, of course). now in the quiet house for some joke writing. #
• just wrote a joke that stinks like a fine french cheese. i’m embarrassed for myself just reading it. #
• fact: “urinal cake” is a funny term. #
• Elvis’s old pill bottles are going up for auction. They’re authentic because they have his name on them and they’re covered in rhinestones. #
• every wednesday the kids get out of school at 12:45. why must we parents be punished so? #
• at target buying flip flops for the girls. Somebody is going to end up in tears. Probably me. #
• six year old is practicing the piano; the nine year old is doing math homework and the 39 year old is drawing a cartoon. good times! #
• making brown rice. that i’ll actually eat. later. for dinner. i need help. #
• gotta go to open house at the girls’ school. that sounds formal (i.e. i need to put on pants). #
• back from the elementary school open house. it was fun but, frankly, i was disappointed there was no booze. why am i paying taxes?! #

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• 8:35am – two hours to whip up 10 jokes for @jimmyfallon. on your mark, get set… GO! #
• A children’s clown in WV was arrested on Friday for DUI. Police say she failed a field sobriety test: she couldn’t make a balloon dog. #
• gotta go pick the girls up from school. i think it’s a law or something. #
• watching six yeard old’s gym class on school fields. Priceless! #
• mrs chumworth just bought a live animal trap to catch the rabbit which is living on our property. heads up, bugs. #
• just to clarify, since people are confused: the rabbit will be caught LIVE and moved without being harmed. lucky rabbit! #
• time for a pre-hockey game beer! #
• judge sotomayor has type 1 diabetes – you go girl! http://tinyurl.com/o8xdov #
• this sierra nevada pale ale just ain’t cutting it. need some harpoon ipa! #
• i, for one, am ready for some hockey! #
• gogogogogogogogogoAAAAALLLL!!!!!!!! wheeeee! hahahahahaha! #
• YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! gogogogogogogogogogoal! sorry canes, your summer is about to begin. #
• i love winning! it is better – and more fun! – than losing. #
• rabbit trap set. come to papa, little bunny. #
• well, lookeee there – another GOAL!!!!!! ain’t this fun? #
• i love baseball, but it never looks slower or more boring than when you switch to it from playoff hockey. #
• GOAL! it is finished. #
• ok, time to go beat another team in red! #

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• mrs chumworth and i sneaking out to breakfast – without kids! #
• breakfast complete. now have an hour to write 10 jokes for jimmy fallon. #
• it’s a picture perfect morning here in southern maine! the thought of wearing pants has not even crossed my mind. #
• nine jokes for @jimmyfallon down, one to go…! #
• Elizabeth Taylor has started using Twitter. She’s already got several thousand followers â€" and those are just her ex-husbands. #
• she what happens when i rush the jokes (see previoius tweet). oh well – jokes for jimmy fallon done and submitted! #
• joke writing done. time now to shower up, down and all around. #
• time to cram the family in the car and head back home. #
• in the car heading back home. I’m letting mrs chumworth drive. She’s a bit of a lead foot. #
• back home! food shopping done. now to pay some bills. then beer! #
• well, now, here ends one crazy holiday weekend. #
• dear twitter: don’t do this reality tv show thing. it’s got disaster written all over it (http://tinyurl.com/qe2jof). #

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• father-in-law is dropping some good tales on me this weekend. this morning: naval stories! #
• trying to decide what to do up here in maine today. doesn’t matter much to me so long as beer drinking is involved at some point. #
• taking the kids to the fun-o-rama: http://www.flickr.com/photos/yumikid/2790287497/ remember, you can’t spell “fun-o-rama” without “fun”! #
• back from the fun-o-rama! it was more rama than fun this time around. #
• dave letterman is off this week; jimmy fallon is not. still gotta write some jokes! #
• just had way too much trouble beating the nine year old in table hockey. this is the beginning of the end. #
• just watched righteous kill – pacino and deniro. pacino looks like death warmed over. or microwaved. either way, old. #

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• a fine morning in maine! my MIL caught a mouse; she traps them lives and relocates them. the mice are lucky it’s not my house. #
• RR: looking forward to microsoft 7? me neither. in either case, check out my new IT Underworld cartoon: http://tinyurl.com/oj3hcd #
• hey, the red wings lost last night! awesome! nice job, blackhawks! #
• breakfast: hard boiled egg white on a poppy bagel plus OJ and coffee. oh yeah and froot loops. same thing einstein had every morning. #
• dear tom brady: there are these things called condoms. use them. dumbass. http://tinyurl.com/razdlv (RT @mikerass) #
• i mean, honestly, knocking up gisele bundchen must be considered an international crime against humanity. what a shame. #
• i do believe some animal flesh will be getting marinated and grilled later today. #
• i’m choosing not to shave this weekend. danger is my business! #
• father-in-law must be feeling better: he’s got me hauling granite stones around outside the house. #
• just took the girls to a playground. Now going for ice cream. Boy, do they owe us. #
• <— i’m beer-laxing! #
• just about time to light the grill! stand back – we’re using charcoal. #
• grill lit. eyebrows still intact! #
• meat is on the grill. do i stick with beer or switch to wine? hmmm… #
• penguins-canes tied 1-1. this series is over. #
• GGGOOOAAALLLALALALALALALALALA! #
• another GGOOOAAAALLLALALALALALALALA! the comrade scores again! wheeeeeee!!!!!! #
• i love nilla wafers like manny ramirez loves female fertility drugs. #
• whoa whoa whoa!!!!! GOOAAALLALALALALALA! russian to russian! i’m embarrassed for the poor canes. #
• EMPTY NET GOAL!!!! series over. #
• hey look – we scored AGAIN! i’m enjoying this! #
• time to get in my penguins feet pajamies. #

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• the girls have been up for an hour and have had three big fights. that’s what we call a calm morning around here! #
• after a little chat, the annoying neighbor is now dumping pool chemicals on somebody else’s property. good enough. #
• time to go do some lawn work. it’s sunny out, so i’ve liberally applied sunblock to my nipples. #
• gonna go mow the penguins logo into my front yard as a surprise for mrs chumworth. she’ll love it! #
• good lord i stink. #
• George W. Bush said yesterday that he’s enjoying retirement. He said he hasn’t felt this relaxed and carefree since he was president. #
• looking forward to microsoft 7? me neither. in either case, check out my new IT Underworld cartoon: http://tinyurl.com/oj3hcd #
• today i told my kids they “misremembered” something. roger clemens: the gift that keeps on giving! #
• packing up the chumworth family to head to maine and in-laws house for ling weekend. the beer is packed! #
• i am being sorely tested today. #
• the chumworths have made it to maine! now drinking beer… #
• currently drinking this (yes, new hampshire beer, but we’re real close to NH here in southern maine): http://tinyurl.com/oaq8b9 #
• wait – shipyard is maine beer! i forgot. scratch that last tweet. #
• the beer is going down smooth and easy! #
• <— relaxing! #

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• 7:22am and the kids are fighting. what took them so long? #
• it’s the most wonderful time of the day: time to dump the kids at school! #
• at the school playground waiting for the morning bell. Hordes of little goofballs all around me. #
• nice and quiet here in the house without the kids. or it was until the cat started snoring. #
• the annoying neighbor is draining chemicals from his pool onto my property. looks like it’s time to put some sugar in his gas tank. #
• my FIL just got out of the hospital after 2+ weeks and bought himself a 50″ plasma TV. a little longer and it might’ve been a sports car. #
• here in my town pet smart just opened a new store right across the street from petco. IT’S ON!!!! #
• took the kids out for ice cream. now they love me. parenting is easy! #
• to be honest, i’m enjoying this not going to work thing. #
• uh oh – the six year old got into mommies perfume. glad i’m not her. #
• the house smells like perfume and rubber cement. #
• my groin is all oiled up and ready to go for pens-hurricanes game 2! #
• ok penguins – i am ready! dazzle me! #
• GGGGOOOOOAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hot damn! sid the kid rocks. #
• how dare the hurricanes score. unacceptable. #
• goal. goal. GOALLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!! the russian bangs it home! well done, comrade! #
• well now that goal shouldn’t count. #
• clearly the penguins are toying with the hurricanes (BTW, what a douchebag team name) like a cat toys with a mouse. #
• the nine year old is a big time lollygagger. always has been. always reminds me of this classic scene: http://tinyurl.com/2l6gnr #
• wow. how did the hurricanes make it this far with such a crappy power play? clearly they have compromising pics of gary bettman. #
• GGGGOOOAAAALLLLLLLL!!!!!! wheeeeeeee! #
• another GOOOOAAALLLL!!!!!! winning is fun! #
• GOOAAAALLLLLLL!!!! the russian does it again! dasvedanya, comrade! #
• HOLY CRAP! how do you say “hat trick” in russian? or “hard nipples”? #
• sorry canes fans – you can’t beat us when our big comrade is rolling. #
• BIG SAVE!!!!! i’m getting all hot and bothered here. #
• hey look, another GGOOOAAALLLLL!!!! empty net. just as sweet. hooo doggy this is fun! #
• you know, back in the day, when a team socred 7 goals in the civic (mellon) arena that meant free chili for everybody. good times. #
• BRAWL!!!!!! #
• well, we won those fights! nice job, canes. #
• what a great game! time for my beauty sleep. #

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• trying to get the girls ready for school. i refuse to braid their hair. i’m far too manly for such a thing. #
• 1:44pm. i’m ready for bed. #
• i have a headache. i’m assuming it’s swine flu. #
• A-1 sauce – i love it; i want to marry it. #
• mrs chumworth is gallavanting around manhattan today whilst i’m home caring for the kiddos. i am a saint. #
• 8:44pm. i’m ready for bed. #

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• got no jokes written last night. now i have two shows to whip up jokes for this morning. this stress isn’t good for my complexion. #
• i can hear the live in nephew of my annoying neighbor starting up his stupid HUMMER outside. good lord. #
• Mel Gibson’s girlfriend is pregnant. Mel says he doesn’t care whether it’s a boy or a girl just so long as the baby isn’t Jewish. #
• time to get the car serviced. still living dream. #
• my car is getting lubed. Lucky car. #
• car lubed, chumworth not. we’ll fix that later. #
• i made breakfast, lunch and dinner for the kids today! sweet lord is there any end to how much i rock? i think not. #
• Celebrity birthdays: Cher turns 63 tomorrow. Cher has the body of a much younger woman â€" and the receipts to prove it. #
• let’s go blackhawks! the red wings can’t lose by enough, far as i’m concerned. #
• mrs chumworth heading to NYC for the day tomorrow, meaning i get the kids from DAWN to DUSK. trying not to cry. #
• watching the deadliest catch. sure, crab fishing in the bearing sea looks tough – but try freelance joke writing. THAT takes balls. #
• blackhawks-red wings in OT. here’s hoping the wings go down in flames – or at least that marian hossa takes a slapper to the grill. #
• well, the red wings won, unfortunately. but, hey, there’s still hope that hossa will get the swine flu! #

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• here i am not at work! still gotta write the jokes, though. that never ends. #
• cleaning off the 10 year old windows 98 desktop. the thing still runs fine. strange. #
• monday/friday late show jokes sent to dave letterman. now, to whip out some jimmy fallon jokes… #
• A London man was arrested for trying to hire a prostitute for his 14 yr old son. On the bright side he’s a shoo-in for Father of the Year. #
• about to dig into leftover indian food for lunch. dim the lights, queue the barry white… #
• time to get all dolled up. #
• here i am sitting in boston common wearing a suit. Something’s not quite right. #
• GGGGGGGOOOAAALLLLL! 2-0! This is fun! #
• i was out to dinner with a buddy. now back home in time for the third period. pants have been discarded. #
• my head is finally going to explode. i mean it this time. #
• GOOOOOOOOOOOOALLLLLLLL!!!!!! yeeeeee-owza! time to dance naked around the living room. #
• pffffft. total chick goal, that. if the canes had any pride they’d refuse to accept it. #
• YAHOOO! we win! sweet. #

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• drinking coffee and watching the spongebob. #
• time to spruce up the house a bit. #
• topless house cleaning has commenced! then, later, to the mall for some clothes shopping. today’s gayness level: HIGH! #
• i’m blaring sgt pepper on the computer while the six year old is playing dave brubeck on her cd player. it’s musical chaos! #
• new IT Underworld cartoon posted! please RT and tell your neighbors: http://tinyurl.com/o828br #
• the house is clean, but the chumworth ain’t. time to fix that. #
• paying visa bill that includes new brake job on car and new macbook pro. now have shooting pains down left arm. can’t breath. #
• mrs chumworth and i are heading to the mall. who’s living the dream? we are! #
• looking for new shoes. Not having any luck. Need beer soon. #
• time to grill some chicken! #
• since i don’t start my new job until next week, i guess technically i’m currently employed! pants will not touch this bod this week. #
• sweet crap, i have not hardly written any jokes today. gotta get to it. #
• RR: new IT Underworld cartoon posted! please RT and tell your neighbors: http://tinyurl.com/o828br #

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• just realized i can’t check work email anymore. i feel naked! could also be the lack of pants. #
• time to go decapitate the grass. #
• gotta go to BJs today. insert dirty joke here. #
• holy crap – BJ’s now sells beer/wine/liquor! Yeee-haw! Mostly crap beer, though. #
• just back from 6 year old’s first piano recital. it was really great! my only complaint: no booze served. oh well. #
• <— the bar be open! #
• sweet lord, i forgot all about the greg kihn band. #
• song remains the same on vh1 classic. never gets old. let’s take this up a notch…! #
• just watched slumdog millionaire. yeah, it’s very well done and all but it eating raoul it wasn’t. #

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• ok, time to drop off our “bundles of joy” (always cracks me up to say that) at school – then off to my final day at current job! #
• here we go – sitting in the captain’s chair at mission control for one last day. after 7 years this chair knows my butt all too well. #
• Madonna and her 22 year-old boyfriend Jesus Luz are reportedly ready to make things legal. They’re not getting married â€" she’s adopting him. #
• packing up last bit of office crap. #
• time to get the hell out of here…! #
• wow – i was certainly treated well on my last day at work! like a princess – wait, i mean a king. a king! #

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• appropriately, my commute (both ways) has sucked the big one this final week at my job. #
• SCORE! @jimmyfallon told one of my jokes last night! wheeeee!!!! ka-ching! #
• here’s my joke that jimmy fallon told last night: http://tinyurl.com/r8t7zn #
• just used “cheap floozy” in a joke. an underused phrase, these days. #
• time for a farewell lunch! make mine liquid. #
• my next to last day at the current job and people are giving me actual work. unacceptable! #
• neil diamond was never quite my cup of tea, but i always enjoy this performance: http://bit.ly/bgrWZ #
• time for a bob moment! pure brilliance from 1964: http://bit.ly/TqFVd #
• [Utterli] http://bit.ly/QCgFE #
• it’s ok to call in sick on your last day of work, right? #
• got my clothes picked out for last day of work tomorrow: boxer shorts, shirt, socks, shoes. yep, that should do it. #

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• three more days at the current job and it still makes me as gassy as ever. #
• trying to write jokes for two shows each day really is going to make my head explode – and not in a good way. #
• wait – starbucks is a chain? #
• it’s a hockey night in pittsburgh! let’s rock and roll! #pens #
• my groin is properly stretched and ready for game 7! it’s on! #pens #
• STUFFFFFFFFED! ha! nice save, fleury! #pens #
• ggggggOOOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!! nice start, boys. #pens #
• WHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! another GOOOAAALLLL!!!! holy smoke! #pens #
• wait – i was kissing the kids good night. what happened? GOOOAAALLLL!!!! yay! this if fun! #pens #
• HOLY CRAP! ANOTHER GOALLLL!!!!!! am i dreaming this? #pens #
• goal! boy, this is getting embarrassing for the caps. poor bastards. but hey, better them than us! #pens #
• GGGOOAAALLALALALALALA! i am giddy with excitement! #pens #
• game over. nice job, boys! #pens #
• boy, that was an easy win! well, i deserve it. #pens #
• time to put on my penguin jammies and hit the sack. #

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Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart got engaged.

He surprised her by getting down on one knee, popping the question and slipping a diamond ring around her waist.

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You can also watch the video of the entire show here.

Tags: Calista Flockhart, Harrison Ford, Jimmy Fallon, Late Night

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• four hours of sleep. stay out of my way today. you’ve been warned. #
• see, i’m not crazy! http://tinyurl.com/pfav8n #
• here’s my joke that david letterman told last night: http://www.chumworth.com/2009/05/11/3801/ #
• dear god: i don’t ask for much, but today, just this once, please, let me find a million dollars on the sidewalk. #
• three days left at current job after today. first of the farewell lunches is up next! #
• somebody bought me beer! and not just any beer – GOOD beer! you know who you are. thanks! #
• ok, i’m ready to be done with this job. gotta play out 3 more days, though. #
• i do believe i will go home now. why the hell not? #

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• beginning last week at my current job! one thing i’ll miss: 1,000 HP toilet flushing power. one thing i won’t miss: waterless urinals. #
• filling out exit interview questionnaire. wonder if i can attach supporting evidence, like photocopies of certain body parts? #
• exit interviewed now delayed an hour. that’ll give me more time to drink coffee and get the blood flowing. #
• The Pope is in Israel this week. It’s the first visit by a religious leader to a war zone since the last time Tom Cruise was on The View. #
• exit interview done. i feel better. #
• i am going for a sandwich. don’t try and stop me. #
• lunch is in the books. well, technically, in my stomach. #
• well, another day of life to forget. #
• gonna go fire up the grill for the first time in 2009. goodbye eyebrows! #
• scratch that – first grilling of the year postponed. eyebrows saved for one more day. #
• it’s a hockey night in pittsburgh! let’s go boys! i’ve had a crappy day, don’t let me down! #
• HAHAHAHAHA! GOOOOAAAALLLL!!!!!! nice work, fellas. #pens #
• lets end this thing tonight. my groin could use the extra rest before the finals. #
• this game should already be over. 1-0 is not good enough. perhaps i should address the team at the first intermission. #pens #
• i turn my back on the game for five minutes to dump the kids in bed and now it’s tied! that’s what i get for parenting. lesson learned. #
• i’d really prefer that we win this game tonight. #pens #
• oh yeah – GOAL! much better. #pens #
• uh – why are we losing, boys? this isn’t funny anymore. #pens #
• this game is making me sweat. unacceptable. #pens #
• GOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLL! right now i would best describe my nipples as hard. #
• looks like we’s going to OT once again… #pens #
• gonna take this intermission before OT to powder my nose. #
• ok boys, no pressure here. a loss will only kill what’s left of my self esteem and hope for the future. #pens #
• wait, no! this is not allowed. #pens #
• well, that’s a perfect ending to a crap day. #pens #
• Lindsay Lohan is rumored to be seven weeks pregnant. So that means she’s being bisexual for two now. #
• i’m still up, for some reason. on the bright side, dave letterman just told one of my jokes! #
• i could go for a pizza. either that or a winning lottery ticket. #

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President Obama was a big hit telling jokes at the White House Correspondent’s dinner on Saturday.

He was so funny that earlier today NBC gave him the 10:00 slot.

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You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

Tags: Barack Obama, David Letterman, Late Show, NBC

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• happy mother’s day to you mommies! what better way to celebrate mother’s day then bringing daddy breakfast in bed? #
• heading up to the in-laws to celebrate mother’s day with mrs chumworth, my MIL, sister-in-law, and a bunch of kids. should be nutty! #
• good thing penguins-capitals game 6 isn’t until tomorrow night. my gimpy groin could use the rest. #
• just ate quiche. Testosterone levels dropping fast. #
• Just had a lovely mother’s day lunch at in-laws. I even wore pants. You’re welcome, ladies! #
• home from mother’s day activities. now i am sitting and have a drink. losing the urge to write jokes. #
• cranking up the sinatra channel on sirius. i love my satellite radio. #
• having brown rice and vegetables for dinner. someone please put me out of my misery. #
• just cleaned my kids’ dirty feet. jesus god on high i deserve a medal. #
• sunday night boozing – always risky. #
• the seven year itch – always worth watching. plus, marilyn looks as good as ever. #
• tomorrow begins my final week at the current job. can anybody say “pants DEFINITELY optional”?! #
• big day tomorrow; it starts off with my EXIT INTERVIEW! it’ll be all downhill from there. #
• after a weekend of joke writing block, all of a sudden, the jokes are flowing. sucky jokes, but still… #

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• here’s the saturday plans: apply caffeine directly to eyeballs, mow lawn, attend nueve de mayo party down the street and drink lots of beer. #
• the girls have turned on “18 kids and counting.” the parents say they have conservative values. well, duh. #
• i’m due for a mid morning snack. i could have anything i want! yet, i am choosing to have a banana. that’s just how i roll. #
• lawn mowed. it continues to look twice – no three times – as good as my annoying neighbor’s lawn. i win! #
• gonna clean the bathroom. then we head down the street to booze it up. #
• i ain’t no fan of corona – except if it’s being offered free in large quantities by a neighbor down the street. muy bien! #
• mrs chumworth is quite taken with with the bouquet of sunflowers i got her for mother’s day! score! #
• the beer is going down smooth and easy! chicken wings on the grill…! #
• i am loaded with beer and mexican food. ready for some hockey – and more booze! #
• GGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLL! love it. #
• YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! goal goal goal goal goal!!! we win! #pens #
• ha ha ha ha! sorry caps fans. the penguins own OT. winning is fun! winning in overtime is even more fun! #pens #

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• my 9 year old talked me into chaperoning a field trip for her third grade class. ain’t no way that’s going to go well. #
• my mother-in-law just called me at work and opened with “something terrible has happened.” the good news is it’s about television. #
• Star Trek is expected to make $70 million this weekend, which is amazing considering that none of that will be from anyone on a date. #
• Dolly Parton received an honorary doctorate degree today from the University of Tennessee in Knockersville â€" no, I mean, Knoxville. #
• drinking beer and watching hockey! #
• it’s a hockey night in pittsburgh! let’s go boys! don’t let me down! #
• GGGGGGGGoAAAAAAAAl! #
• another GGGOOOOAAAALLLLL!!!!!!!!! this is fun! #
• GGGGGGGGGGOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLL! holy crap! i’m loving this. #
• awwww yeah! goal! sid rocks! #
• just watched hancock. different, but no so great. #
• let’s celebrate another glorious penguins playoff victory with a new IT Underworld cartoon! http://tinyurl.com/oe6ejj #
• the cat’s bitching at me. it never ends. #

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• morning coffee not doing it’s job. may need to snort coffee grounds directly. #
• Michael Jackson is being sued by his former publicist for $44 million. He tried to settle but she rejected his offer: $50 and a used llama. #
• great band, great song, great snapshot in time: http://bit.ly/70AAJ #
• time to whip up some dinner for the kiddos. lucky buggers. #
• mrs chumworth is wrestling our bundles of joy into jammies upstairs. based on the hollering i believe i will remain down here on the couch. #

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• Happy birthday to Chris Brown who turned 20 yesterday. His girlfriend Rihanna threw him a great party that he enjoyed – lucky for her. #
• ahhhh, that’s better. #
• Sales of Netherland have soared after Pres. Obama said he is reading it. The same thing happened when Pres. Bush read Green Eggs and Ham. #
• it’s 12:17, which means it’s time for a sandwich. that’s just how i roll. #
• just ordered refills for foot fungus cream. still living the dream. #
• drinking beer and gearing up for penguins-capitals game 3! #
• larry foote forces the steelers to release him so he can sign with the lions. good luck with that! #
• clearly the pens are just trying to make tonight’s big win more dramatic by coughing up an early goal. #
• wait – the red wings lost night? AWESOME! hossa tying goal disallowed? EVEN MORE AWESOME! i’ll take that. #
• yeeeeeeeeeeeAHHHHHHHHHH! GGGGGGGOAL! #
• uh – what do we have to do get a goal here? #
• MALKIN SCORES! holy crap! the russian came to play tonight! my nips are hard. #
• noooooooooooo! no goal no goal no goal. that wasn’t in. no way. #
• why is god torturing me? why why why? i don’t deserve this! well, ok, maybe i do. but still. #
• overtime. great. we’d better win this fast. i need my beauty sleep. #
• GGGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!! PENGUINS WIN! yee-haw! suck on that, caps! #
• time for the post-game victory dance around the house! pants optional. #
• to celebrate this great penguins victory, i do believe i will now moon my annoying neighbor. #
• hey look – the bruins just went down in flames in OT. sucks to be them. #
• it’s way past my bed time. will need to apply coffee liberally down pants in the morning. #

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• dave letterman told one of my jokes last night! almost forgot what that feels like. oh yeah – it feels good! #
• boy, i really have to go make water. #
• here’s my joke that david letterman told last night: http://www.chumworth.com/2009/05/04/3775/ #
• i am working entirely too hard considering i have only eight days of work left at present job, after today. god damn my crazy work ethic. #
• just scheduled exit interview at work. this will be fun! #
• i have boogers, which clearly means it’s time to go home. #
• sweet lord on high all hell is breaking loose at chez chumworth. #
• RR new IT Underworld cartoon is up and at em: http://tinyurl.com/d7ndwf #
• wait – dom deluise died? wait – dom deluise was still alive? #
• once more before jammie time: my joke that dave letterman told last night: http://www.chumworth.com/2009/05/04/3775/ #

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• can i just go back to bed and move on to tuesday? #
• here at work they recommend we “try not to touch surfaces that may be contaminated with the swine flu virus.” good thing they’re labeled! #
• Happy Star Wars Day! It’s a day for fans to dress up as their favorite characters, hang out with other SW fans and otherwise not got laid. #
• nine more days left at current job. Not that i’m counting or anything. #
• GOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yay! #
• wait – the other team isn’t allowed to score. i demand an investigation. #
• another GOOOOOAAAALLLLLL!!!!!!! yeah, baby! suck it, caps! #
• i thought i said the other team wasn’t allowed to score. do i stutter? #
• apparently ovechkin is russian for drama queen. #
• we interrupt this hockey game to announce a new IT Underworld cartoon: http://tinyurl.com/d7ndwf #
• this is getting annoying. #
• why does god hate me? don’t bother answering – i think i know. #
• obviously, the penguins are just setting this series up to win in 6 at home. #
• GGGOOOAAALLLL!!!! what the hell – we’ll take it. #

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• after being away the last two weekends it’s time once again for … topless housecleaning! #
• just oversaw the girls cleaning their rooms. they’ll be trashed again in about 20 minutes. #
• oh god, my neighbor is building something in his backyard. it will no doubt be something that annoys me. #
• making american chop suey using millie garfield’s recipe http://tinyurl.com/d484py (via my friend @stevegarfield) with a few modifications. #
• i always knew my neighbor was an asshole, but i had no idea he was a flaming asshole. now i know! #
• trying to write the funny. keyword: trying. #

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• sitting here drinking coffee and otherwise avoiding going out to mow the lawn. #
• swine flu, schmine flu – i’m having some bacon. #
• paying the bills. all of a sudden mowing the lawn doesn’t seem so bad. #
• i’m officially getting old; i don’t like being called “dude” or “bro” any more. #
• (belated) GOOOOAAAAALLLLL!!!!!!! #
• pfft, that caps goal was the luckiest goal in the history of lucky goals. #
• correction, THAT caps goal was the luckiest goal in the history of lucky goals. #
• this game is giving me gas. #
• GGGOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLL! we rule! #
• ok, this game is back to giving me gas. #
• lucky win by the caps. won’t happen again. time for a steam. #
• heading out to college fraternity alumni party tonight. a bunch of old farts boozing it up with the college kids. should be chaotic. #
• the six year old is missing her two front teeth. priceless. #
• doing some pre-alumni party boozing at cornwalls in kenmore square. I love beer! #

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• dropped the girls off at school this morning. they’re getting better at jumping out of the car as i drive by the school. #
• good lord, is there anything hotter than sarah palin and a dead grizzly bear? i think not. http://tinyurl.com/dhyucu #
• lunch has been consumed and i am a better man for it. #
• twitter won’t let me change my avatar at the moment. twitter users will just have to imagine my boozing avatar. FB users can see it, though. #
• i’m in charge of our nine year old daughter and one of her buddies. i ordered them pizza and put on the TV. parenting is easy! #
• the 6 year old lost another tooth. that’s the second one in a couple of weeks. i hope the tooth fairy finances. #

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• i can’t buy a joke on letterman these days. well, i haven’t actually tried buying one. that might do it. #
• Sarah Palin officially started Twittering yesterday. By this morning Twitter had dropped 10 points in the polls. #
• for better or for worse, jokes for the day submitted to dave letterman. most likely the latter. #
• dear coworkers: please do not sing out loud in the salad bar line. it is unnecessary and – frankly – annoying. #
• time for a meeting. think i’ll chew some gum to make it go by faster. #
• latest IT Underworld caption contest winner announced! http://tinyurl.com/c476rf #
• home and drinking beer. mrs chumworth is baking banana bread! #
• the word is out at work – i am leaving! time for a new gig. #
• finally cracking open the box with our new macbook pro! #
• stand back – i have banana chocolate chip bread breath. #
• just about jammy time. #

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