Good news: a new study has found that the number of teens who sniff glue, lighter fluid, spray paint and shoe polish is down nationwide. The bad news is the glue, lighter fluid, spray paint and shoe polish industries now all need bailouts.

Adult film star Jenna Jameson gave birth to twin boys Monday morning. The labor and delivery weren’t caught on film but the conception was.

A German food company has come out with frozen chicken dinner called Obama-Fingers. They also sell a food named after our previous president: Bush-Jerky.

Researchers in Britain have determined that it takes twenty-three hours and forty-five minutes for a woman to get ready for a special occasion – which is perfect because most men only need that last 15 minutes to get ready.

This week Senator Charles Grassley said that AIG executives should either apologize to the American people or kill themselves. Not to be outdone, earlier today Senator Larry Craig said that AIG executives should either apologize to the American people or get the hell out of his stall.

The UN now estimates that world population will be over 9 billion people by 2050, up from 6.8 billion now. They attribute most of the increase to developing countries and the Octomom.

Engineers in Germany have developed a way to turn sewage into charcoal. In order to make it commercially viable they’re now trying to refine their methods to turn sewage into self-lighting charcoal.

Sesame Street has laid off 20 percent of its work force. It’s the worst news for Bert and Ernie since California banned gay marriage.

Jessica Simpson has recently lost a lot of weight. Friends say she hasn’t dropped this many useless pounds since she dumped Nick Lachey.

Michael Jackson is going to perform in London this summer. It’s the first time his face will be on stage in years. Well, at least, his current face.