MONDAY: Happy 2009!

I’m still not used to it being 2009. Earlier today I wrote 2008 on a check when I was paying for sex.

MONDAY: My son Harry got me a nice Christmas present that I’m wearing right now.

Can you tell what it is? That’s right – it’s my hairpiece.

MONDAY: Mayor Bloomberg was in Israel yesterday.

Apparently he wanted to get a kids-eye view of the war.

MONDAY: Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich named Roland Burris to take Barack Obama’s old senate seat.

He’s got thirty days to be confirmed and seated or to get his money back.

MONDAY: Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich named Roland Burris to take Barack Obama’s old senate seat.

I don’t know who this Burris guy is, but if I were him I’d save the receipt.

MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: the New York Stock Exchange turned 144 this weekend.

Coincidentally, today the Dow Jones closed at 144.

MONDAY: Earlier today down in Washington, D.C. the Obama girls started at their new school.

I thought this was nice: earlier today the Bush twins gave the Obama girls their old fake IDs.

The Obamas officially moved to Washington, DC this week.

Earlier today their stuff arrived via U-Haul One.

Al Franken has been named the winner of the Senate race in Minnesota over incumbent Norm Coleman.

I believe he’s the first comedian to score such a surprising win since Leno beat me.

I’ve already broken one of my New Year’s resolutions.

Earlier today I took a call from Regis.

It was a lovely day today here in New York City.

It was so nice today that Israel invaded Central Park.

Here in New York City they’re going to install hidden cameras on all cabs to detect reckless driving.

Here’s the deal: they’re going to put a small camera in each driver’s turban.