MONDAY: It was freezing cold here in New York City today.

It was so cold today I wore my hairpiece with the ear flaps.

MONDAY: It was freezing cold here in New York City today.

It was so cold today that Dick Cheney said he didn’t regret dropping the F-bomb on Al Roker.

MONDAY: President Bush announced a $13 billion bailout for the auto industry last week.

President Bush negotiated a good deal – in exchange for the money he got the auto industry to throw in free undercoating.

MONDAY: Hanukah started last night.

Earlier today down in Washington a confused President Bush pardoned a lamp.

MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: the Lincoln Tunnel here in New York turn 71 today.

The Lincoln Tunnel is 71 years old has a crumbling façade, a few cracks but is still structurally sound – just like Cher.

MONDAY: The guy known as Deep Throat, Mark Felt, died last week at the age of 95.

Just to be clear, this was Richard Nixon’s Deep Throat, not Bill Clinton’s.

MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Andy Dick turned 43 yesterday.

His family threw him a surprise combination birthday party/intervention.

FRIDAY: Today I did the same thing I do every year on the day after Christmas.

I took the tree and threw it right out on the curb – no, wait, I’m sorry that’s what I do with my relatives.

FRIDAY: It’s the day after Christmas, which is the day when everybody runs out to exchange the presents they don’t want.

That’s what my relatives all tried to do; they each came to me and tried to exchange their checks for bigger ones.

FRIDAY: The best thing about the day after Christmas is the day after Christmas sales.

I took advantage of them today and got a great deal on GM.

FRIDAY: Everybody has bailout fever.

Yesterday on Christmas I bailed out three of my relatives.

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Phil Spector turns 68 today.

His family threw him a party, which was a big success – he only shot two people.

Let me describe Christmas at my house.

It’s like I’m the government and my relatives are the auto industry.

My mom gets me the same thing every year for Christmas.

Every year she gets me something that doesn’t fit, that’s scratchy and that looks ridiculous so, this year I said, “Mom, please – no more hairpieces.”

Last week some guy broke into Paris Hilton’s house and stole a bunch of jewelry.

The good news is Paris wasn’t at home at the time – she was out making a sex video.

Last week some guy broke into Paris Hilton’s house and stole a bunch of jewelry.

That guy sure was brave; in order to steal anything he had to get past a mean, snarling teacup Chihuahua.

Last week some guy broke into Paris Hilton’s house and stole a bunch of jewelry.

The cops didn’t get there until he was already gone because Paris forgot the number for 911.