MONDAY: OJ Simpson was convicted of stealing his own sports memorabilia on Friday.

Legal experts say his main problem was his lawyers couldn’t think of anything that rhymes with memorabilia.

MONDAY: OJ Simpson was convicted of armed robbery on Friday.

Experts say he’s probably going to get life in prison, so I guess that means now he’ll never find the real killers.

MONDAY: OJ Simpson was convicted of armed robbery on Friday.

I was surprised because it really didn’t seem like OJ was involved – after all, nobody was killed.

MONDAY: OJ Simpson was convicted of armed robbery on Friday.

The good news is, with good behavior, in 15 years he could be out on the streets killing again.

MONDAY: It was a miserable wet and rainy day here in New York City.

The weather was so bad today that John McCain suspended his campaign to help bail out Al Roker.

MONDAY: The Cubs were swept out of the first round of the playoffs over the weekend.

After the game they got a call from Ralph Nader.

MONDAY: This is the 101st straight season that the Cubs haven’t won the World Series.

Here’s how long it’s been for the Cubs: the last time they won Woodow Wilson was president, there were only 48 states, and Larry King was still married to his fourth wife.

MONDAY: Beverly Hills Chihuahua was the number one movie over the weekend.

I believe it’s the first time such a small creature has been number one at the box office since, well, what was Tom Cruise’s last big movie?

FRIDAY: Columbus Day weekend is coming up.

Down in Times Square the hookers are offering their annual Columbus Day special: for $50 they’ll take you to a new world.

FRIDAY: Columbus Day weekend is coming up.

Down in Times Square the hookers are offering their annual Columbus Day special: for $50 you can board Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria.

They’re saying now that the McCain campaign is in trouble.

Here’s how bad it is for John McCain: earlier today he suspended his campaign so he can go back to Washington and bail out his campaign.

Here in New York City they’ve started posting calorie counts in subway cars.

That’s great because I can’t tell you how many times I’ve found some food on the subway and wondered, gee how many calories are in this?

Here in New York City they’ve started posting calorie counts of popular food in subway cars.

Not only that, but they’re also going to start posting the number of calories you can burn off by hiring a hooker.

Here in New York City this week they closed the original Carvel ice cream shop.

Some people were pretty upset about it; earlier today Rosie O’Donnell chained herself to the front door.